One Day at a Time (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript
-A Pop original series.
[ Knock on door ]
-Did you decide what we're
watching for Movie Night?
-No.
It's like there's nothing good
on Netflix anymore.
-Hi.
I'm from the census.
-Mom,
why did you do that?
-A guy wanting a list of Latinos
in my house?
No thanks.
-The census is important
for communities of color.
We have to participate.
It determines congressional
seats and federal funding,
and Latinos are always --
-Oh, at this point,
I'd rather be murdered.
Open the door.
-Hi.
Sorry about the whole
door-in-your-face thing.
-It's okay. Okay.
I've had worse.
I've been bit by a toddler,
tased by a grandma.
2010, I was insulted
by a racist parrot.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh,
my name's Brian,
and, uh, this is only gonna
take a few minutes.
So, you're --
you're Penelope Alvarez?
-Yes, I am. And I am the mother
of Elena and Alex.
-Oh. Okay.
That's good.
And this is your husband?
-Oh, God, no.
[ Laughs ] No.
-No.
So you're single.
No husband,
no same-sex partner,
no unmarried partner,
no same-sex unmarried partner.
-And now we know all
the different ways I'm single.
Thank you. Um, I'm very happy --
check that off.
-Well,
there's no box for happy.
-Okay, I'm 42,
Cuban-American,
and I'm
a nurse practitioner.
-Alrighty. And you're
the head of the household.
-No.
I am.
-[ Laughs ] No. I am.
This is my mother, Lydia.
She lives here, too.
-Oh.
-Hello.
-Lydia. Yes.
Okay.
And, uh,
what is your age?
-I am ageless.
I was born in Cuba,
but now I am
an American citizen.
-Okay. I don't need to know
if you're a citizen.
That's a common misconception.
I just --
I need to know if you're of
Hispanic, Latino,
or Spanish origin.
-I'm all three.
Do I win something?
-No -- No, you don't.
Uh...
Okay, so then
this must be your husband.
-[ Laughing ]
Oh, God, no!
Berto is my husband.
-Okay.
And where is he?
-Uh, he passed away
10 years ago.
-And he is here.
-Oh. Oh.
Well, where do you...
keep him?
-Berto is in here
and in here and in --
-Okay, we get it, we get it,
we get it.
-Let me just
clear up some things.
I am, uh, Dr. Leslie Berkowitz,
Penelope's boss.
And, also,
I'm Lydia's exclusive
non-sexual
platonic companion.
-What does that mean?
-I don't know.
-Hi. I'm gay.
-Oh, well,
that's not a box.
-Well, it should be.
I'm here, I'm queer,
and I'm proud of my box!
No, wait.
That didn't sound right.
-That's okay.
Look, I just really
need to know
the relationships
within the household.
-Oh, oh, oh!
Great, great, great!
Because this is Syd,
my Syd-nificant other.
-Ah.
-And they are non-binary.
-My pronounces
are "they" and "them."
-Oh. Yes.
They -- They taught us this.
It's nice to meet...
you?
-Anyway, we're together now,
but next year,
I'll be at Yale,
if I get in.
[ Whispering ]
I'll get in.
-And I'll get in at one of
her safety schools.
-[ Normal voice ] But we decided
to break up
before we go to college
so we're not one of those
couples that thinks
their first relationship
is gonna be their last.
-We don't want to be
those people.
-I get it, I get it.
Right now,
I don't want to be me.
Okay.
Um, so, just who else
lives here?
-Sadly, me.
-Ah.
-I'm Alex.
I'm 15.
-And Papito is single.
-Right, right.
Because he's...a child.
-No.
Because it is impossible
to find a woman
who is good enough for him
who is not me.
-Put down that my grandmother
and I are just friends.
-Okay, so,
that's everyone?
I hope, please.
-Hey, fam.
Hey, Dr. B.
Hey, new guy.
Wait.
New guy?
It's Movie Night.
Am I being replaced?
By an older model?
-No, I'm --
I'm from the census.
-Oh. Great.
So important for our Latinx
community to be counted.
-Oh, okay.
So you're Latino.
-No.
Schneider.
Cis white male ally.
Privileged,
but super-woke.
-Ugh!
-Does he live here?
-All: No!
-Pretty much.
-I got to go.
I got to go.
So, I'll see you all
again in 10 years.
Who am I kidding?
In 10 years,
President Kardashian is gonna
do away with all of this.
-Oh.
Been a rough day,
Brian?
-Sorry. I just -- I have
a lot of apartments to hit,
and, uh, nobody likes
the census guy.
-Do not worry.
You are doing
a great job.
And I promise you
they will all be saying,
"Everybody loves Brian."
-Yeah, doesn't sound right.
-♪ This is it ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa ♪
♪ One day at a time ♪
-I got to say,
I'm surprised you two
are gonna break up
the day you leave for college.
-Well, we're mature.
-Supe-dy dupe-dy mature.
-Actually, can we talk about
how this is going to work?
-Same page --
I have no idea.
-You didn't
talk about this?
[ Chuckles ]
Isn't talking all you do?
-That is
a lesbian stereotype...
which would have been
really useful in this case.
-Why don't you do
a trial run?
Like, you go to
the bathroom,
and, Syd, you try not to
file a missing-persons report.
-Ha ha.
We can be apart,
Alex.
-And they make you wait
24 hours.
But maybe he's right.
-Do you think you can even
spend a day apart?
-We can spend a day apart.
-How about two days?
-Make it a week.
-Two days it is!
-Ba!
-What are you watching?
-A Lifetime movie.
I just love watching
rich people in trouble.
-A-scootch.
I came in
to tell you something.
-That I need an eyebrow wax?
'Cause I already know.
-That is not what
I came in to tell you.
But qué barbaridad.
I just wanted to tell you
that doing the census
made me realize
I was wrong about something.
-Really?
That's new.
-When Victor left,
I said you needed a man.
You don't.
You have done so much
without one.
-Thank you, Mami.
I really appreciate that.
-Ah!
-Thank you.
-Honey, I want to
tell you a story.
-Oh, there's more.
Okay.
-You remind me
of my tía Chuchi.
A beautiful woman.
She was engaged,
but then the man left her,
and she was broken-hearted.
And after that,
she found joy in -- in books
and -- and in painting and
long walks along the Malecón.
By herself, of course,
because she had no one.
But she --
she took joy in family.
Not her family.
There was no one.
But she was
everyone's favorite tía.
She didn't give a --
¿cómo se dice? -- a F.
She stopped wearing makeup,
she stopped dyeing her hairs,
because what was the point?
Oh, she made us laugh
with her stories...
and her crazy white hair
blowing in the wind.
She used to have a joke.
"You want to see
an invisible woman?
Watch me
go into this bar."
[ Laughs ]
And after she drank herself
to death,
her funeral
was so beautiful
and not at all crowded.
That was Tía Chuchi.
Sweet dreams.
-I'm gonna die alone.
-Penelope, you are not
going to die alone.
-Tía Chuchi did.
-So you're just
making up names now?
-Look, the census guy
came to my house,
and I realized, in 10 years,
when he comes back,
that it will just...
be me.
-I see. So this is about
the fact that you're single.
-No, Pam!
I am very happy without
a man in my life, thank you.
-Is that why you texted
all of us "911"?
-It's true, though.
I don't need a man.
The problem is --
I still like men.
-We all have flaws.
-[ Sighs ] What I want
is to not want a man.
Discuss.
-Step 1 --
start liking women.
Start 2 --
turn to your right.
-You should
start dating again,
and not just because
when you have a boyfriend,
the rest of us
get to talk.
-Dating is exactly
what I don't want to do.
You know, all that
stupid small talk.
"Where'd you go to high school?
How many siblings do you have?"
-I went to Roosevelt,
and I have two brothers.
-I wish there was an app
called Six Dates In,
where you fast-forward
to knowing everything
about each other
and then just watch "The Great
British Bake Off" together
and then --
-Have the great American
pants-off.
-Exactly.
[ Laughs ]
I can't believe
I'm 42 years old
and I'm still worried
about this stuff.
In the olden days,
I'd be dead by now.
-You could start smoking.
-Or stop using sunscreen.
-Or be like
my dumb-ass cousin
and try to take a selfie
with a tiger.
-Okay, I'm not actually looking
for advice on how to die young.
It's been so long
since I dated,
and the last great relationship
I had was Max.
W-W-What?
You all think I should
get back together with Max?
-No.
We're just all scared to ask you
for his phone number.
-You do talk about him a lot,
Pen.
-Yeah, Max was great,
but he wants kids, and I don't.
-Well, so start dating again.
What else are you gonna do?
Shack up with a sex robot
who likes English cooking shows?
-I hear they're close
on that technology.
-[ Robotically ] I like
Yorkshire pudding
and your vagina.
[ Timer beeps ]
-It's been 24 hours
since I talked to Syd.
Are you proud of me?
-Actually --
-Okay, you caught me!
I'm a disaster!
I miss them so much,
and this has been the worst
experience of my life.
-This is the most predictable
thing I've ever been a part of.
-Mom.
-What?
-How do you do it?
-Do what, honey?
-Be alone,
go through life
without a partner
who cares about you.
-Okay, well,
that's one way of putting it.
Actually, I've been
talking about this in therapy,
and I love being alone.
It's the best.
And we're strong women who don't
need a partner to define us.
Anyway, I have a date.
-What?! You said
you love being alone.
-I know.
But Ramona set me up with
this guy that she works with,
and I don't really want to go,
but it's good for me
to get out there.
Plus, I am having
the greatest hair day.
I can't
keep this to myself.
I mean, my babies.
Come on.
Look, look.
Look at the bounce.
Look, look.
Look at this bounce.
Look, look.
Look at it!
-Your hair's great.
-Thank you.
-But your brows...
Qué barbaridad.
-And after Carrie,
it's me, so I'm the youngest.
But I had sisters,
so lucky you.
-Oh, I just love
hearing about siblings.
-Really?
-Usually,
I hate this part.
I wish we could just
download our histories,
and then
the date could begin.
-Totally. I agree.
This is the worst.
No, that's --
I didn't mean that.
-Yes, you did,
and it's okay.
-At our age, we just want to
cut through all the B.S.
-Oh, my God.
Yes, Max.
Thank you.
-Max?
W-Who's Max?
-♪ Max...imum fun ♪
♪ Is what
we're about to have ♪
♪ Now that all the family stuff
is out the way ♪
-Cool.
-To the max!
Where'd you go
to high school?
-Oh, um, I went to --
-You don't care where
I went to high school.
-That is true.
-Are you okay?
-Huh?
-Are you okay?
-Oh...
yeah, I'm fine.
-'Sup, girl?
-Do you want me to
dress that?
-No.
-Syd's gonna dump me,
aren't they?
I always assumed I would be
the dumper, not the dumpee.
[ Scoffs ]
Should I break up with them
before they break up with me?
Should I go straight into
a rebound relationship?
There is a really hot barista
at the coffee shop downstairs.
Do you think Syd is
dating the barista?!
If they leave me,
it will just be you and me!
-Dear God,
you've got to get them back!
[ Knock on door ]
-Syd.
What are you doing here?
-You called me.
-No, I didn't.
-I did.
You were being stupid,
so I called them
and pretended to be you.
-And that worked?
-Of course.
[ High-pitched voice ]
"Hello. This is Elena.
I'm just sitting here,
not brushing my hair.
You want to come over?"
-I wanted to be convinced.
-Well, this is a disaster.
-Nah, it's like four hairs.
I got tweezers.
We can take care of it
right now.
-What?
What are you talking about?
-Your jazz-brows situation.
Obviously,
that's why you're so upset.
-No! I just went out on a date.
-Looking like that?!
-Focus!
I went on a date
with a perfectly nice guy,
and he kept
turning into Max.
-Yeah, happens to me, too.
-What?
-Look, Max is awesome,
and the fact that
he appears to you as a date
or to me as
an imaginary shirtless buddy
who gives great advice
is totally normal.
-Okay, let me say words,
and you just shh-shh-shh-shh!
I have to move on from him,
and, clearly,
I can't because I miss him,
and that freakin' sucks.
-Pen, you are a strong,
independent woman.
-You don't need a man to de--
-I know all that.
I do.
But Max is still in here.
And in here.
And in here.
-I get it.
-I blame
that stupid census guy,
coming in and reminding me
that I'm single?
I have to check a box so the
government knows that I'm alone?
That's aggressive.
-Actually, the census kind of
messed with my head a bit, too.
-Really?
-Yep.
And that's why I got news.
I asked Avery to move in
with me, and she said "yes"!
-Really?!
-Yeah.
-That's huge!
-I know.
-Oh, my God!
Seriously!
I am so happy for you.
-Thank you.
Well, you know,
I found the perfect person,
and I didn't
want to blow it.
-Do you think
I blew it with Max?
-Oh, yeah, totally.
-Schneider!
-Sorry. I'm sorry.
But, hey,
maybe it's not too late.
At Victor's wedding, Max
wouldn't stop talking about you.
Why don't you, you know,
check in with him?
-How?
I'm not just gonna text him,
"You up?"
-Nah,
he doesn't respond to that.
-I got to admit,
when I drive past
the hospital he works at,
I'm always tempted to
pull in and say hi.
-So pull in, say hi,
see what happens.
-Thank you, Schneider.
-Hey, my job,
as your best friend,
is to hold up a mirror...
and take care
of those eyebrows.
-[ Scoffs ]
-There's your forehead.
-Shut up!
Ooh, damn!
-I missed you
as soon as you left.
-Me too.
The moment
I walked out the door,
I felt an ache
in the bowels of my bowels.
-Okay, let's wrap up
the sexy talk.
-What were we thinking?
-I don't know.
I guess we were trying to
do the mature thing.
-Why?
You're not mature.
You're two teenagers who
spent last week discussing
whether some "Star Trek" lady
is gay or not.
-Seven of Nine is gay.
-No, no, no.
All of the Borg
are non-binary.
-Except their programming,
which is binary code.
-You will be
assimilated.
-Can you boldly go
somewhere else?
-But no high-school couples
make it through college.
Are we just
fooling ourselves?
We don't want to
be those people.
-You know what?
Screw it.
Let's be those people.
-And I'm gonna be
this person.
-Ambulance pulling in!
-Ooh, great!
[ Quietly ] Oh, my God.
Okay.
[ Normal voice ]
Excuse me.
Are you expecting any more
horrible medical emergencies?
I was hoping to see my ex.
-I hear that, sister.
-No, I'm sorry.
I'm -- I'm looking for an EMT.
-Max?
-Yes.
-Yeah.
He doesn't work here anymore.
-Oh.
-He took a job working for
some Doctors Without Borders
group in Indonesia.
Lucky cholera victims.
Anyway, he left
a couple months ago.
Sorry.
-Thank you.
-One of the nurses made
a Max of the Month calendar
if you want a copy.
It was me.
-Listen, Mom,
you're a strong, independent
woman who doesn't need a man --
-Yep, got it.
I agree.
Yep.
But it's okay for me to admit
that I can still be
a feminist badass
and want a boyfriend.
-Yeah, that is okay.
-And I hope
you do find someone,
'cause I'm so happy
and I want that for you.
-Aww.
-Mom, today made me appreciate
how hard relationships can be.
And, more importantly,
how annoying.
But don't worry.
Nora and I are not
gonna be like that.
-Who's Nora?
-Oh.
I have a girlfriend.
-What?
[ Knock on door ]
-Did you decide what we're
watching for Movie Night?
-No.
It's like there's nothing good
on Netflix anymore.
-Hi.
I'm from the census.
-Mom,
why did you do that?
-A guy wanting a list of Latinos
in my house?
No thanks.
-The census is important
for communities of color.
We have to participate.
It determines congressional
seats and federal funding,
and Latinos are always --
-Oh, at this point,
I'd rather be murdered.
Open the door.
-Hi.
Sorry about the whole
door-in-your-face thing.
-It's okay. Okay.
I've had worse.
I've been bit by a toddler,
tased by a grandma.
2010, I was insulted
by a racist parrot.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh,
my name's Brian,
and, uh, this is only gonna
take a few minutes.
So, you're --
you're Penelope Alvarez?
-Yes, I am. And I am the mother
of Elena and Alex.
-Oh. Okay.
That's good.
And this is your husband?
-Oh, God, no.
[ Laughs ] No.
-No.
So you're single.
No husband,
no same-sex partner,
no unmarried partner,
no same-sex unmarried partner.
-And now we know all
the different ways I'm single.
Thank you. Um, I'm very happy --
check that off.
-Well,
there's no box for happy.
-Okay, I'm 42,
Cuban-American,
and I'm
a nurse practitioner.
-Alrighty. And you're
the head of the household.
-No.
I am.
-[ Laughs ] No. I am.
This is my mother, Lydia.
She lives here, too.
-Oh.
-Hello.
-Lydia. Yes.
Okay.
And, uh,
what is your age?
-I am ageless.
I was born in Cuba,
but now I am
an American citizen.
-Okay. I don't need to know
if you're a citizen.
That's a common misconception.
I just --
I need to know if you're of
Hispanic, Latino,
or Spanish origin.
-I'm all three.
Do I win something?
-No -- No, you don't.
Uh...
Okay, so then
this must be your husband.
-[ Laughing ]
Oh, God, no!
Berto is my husband.
-Okay.
And where is he?
-Uh, he passed away
10 years ago.
-And he is here.
-Oh. Oh.
Well, where do you...
keep him?
-Berto is in here
and in here and in --
-Okay, we get it, we get it,
we get it.
-Let me just
clear up some things.
I am, uh, Dr. Leslie Berkowitz,
Penelope's boss.
And, also,
I'm Lydia's exclusive
non-sexual
platonic companion.
-What does that mean?
-I don't know.
-Hi. I'm gay.
-Oh, well,
that's not a box.
-Well, it should be.
I'm here, I'm queer,
and I'm proud of my box!
No, wait.
That didn't sound right.
-That's okay.
Look, I just really
need to know
the relationships
within the household.
-Oh, oh, oh!
Great, great, great!
Because this is Syd,
my Syd-nificant other.
-Ah.
-And they are non-binary.
-My pronounces
are "they" and "them."
-Oh. Yes.
They -- They taught us this.
It's nice to meet...
you?
-Anyway, we're together now,
but next year,
I'll be at Yale,
if I get in.
[ Whispering ]
I'll get in.
-And I'll get in at one of
her safety schools.
-[ Normal voice ] But we decided
to break up
before we go to college
so we're not one of those
couples that thinks
their first relationship
is gonna be their last.
-We don't want to be
those people.
-I get it, I get it.
Right now,
I don't want to be me.
Okay.
Um, so, just who else
lives here?
-Sadly, me.
-Ah.
-I'm Alex.
I'm 15.
-And Papito is single.
-Right, right.
Because he's...a child.
-No.
Because it is impossible
to find a woman
who is good enough for him
who is not me.
-Put down that my grandmother
and I are just friends.
-Okay, so,
that's everyone?
I hope, please.
-Hey, fam.
Hey, Dr. B.
Hey, new guy.
Wait.
New guy?
It's Movie Night.
Am I being replaced?
By an older model?
-No, I'm --
I'm from the census.
-Oh. Great.
So important for our Latinx
community to be counted.
-Oh, okay.
So you're Latino.
-No.
Schneider.
Cis white male ally.
Privileged,
but super-woke.
-Ugh!
-Does he live here?
-All: No!
-Pretty much.
-I got to go.
I got to go.
So, I'll see you all
again in 10 years.
Who am I kidding?
In 10 years,
President Kardashian is gonna
do away with all of this.
-Oh.
Been a rough day,
Brian?
-Sorry. I just -- I have
a lot of apartments to hit,
and, uh, nobody likes
the census guy.
-Do not worry.
You are doing
a great job.
And I promise you
they will all be saying,
"Everybody loves Brian."
-Yeah, doesn't sound right.
-♪ This is it ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa ♪
♪ One day at a time ♪
-I got to say,
I'm surprised you two
are gonna break up
the day you leave for college.
-Well, we're mature.
-Supe-dy dupe-dy mature.
-Actually, can we talk about
how this is going to work?
-Same page --
I have no idea.
-You didn't
talk about this?
[ Chuckles ]
Isn't talking all you do?
-That is
a lesbian stereotype...
which would have been
really useful in this case.
-Why don't you do
a trial run?
Like, you go to
the bathroom,
and, Syd, you try not to
file a missing-persons report.
-Ha ha.
We can be apart,
Alex.
-And they make you wait
24 hours.
But maybe he's right.
-Do you think you can even
spend a day apart?
-We can spend a day apart.
-How about two days?
-Make it a week.
-Two days it is!
-Ba!
-What are you watching?
-A Lifetime movie.
I just love watching
rich people in trouble.
-A-scootch.
I came in
to tell you something.
-That I need an eyebrow wax?
'Cause I already know.
-That is not what
I came in to tell you.
But qué barbaridad.
I just wanted to tell you
that doing the census
made me realize
I was wrong about something.
-Really?
That's new.
-When Victor left,
I said you needed a man.
You don't.
You have done so much
without one.
-Thank you, Mami.
I really appreciate that.
-Ah!
-Thank you.
-Honey, I want to
tell you a story.
-Oh, there's more.
Okay.
-You remind me
of my tía Chuchi.
A beautiful woman.
She was engaged,
but then the man left her,
and she was broken-hearted.
And after that,
she found joy in -- in books
and -- and in painting and
long walks along the Malecón.
By herself, of course,
because she had no one.
But she --
she took joy in family.
Not her family.
There was no one.
But she was
everyone's favorite tía.
She didn't give a --
¿cómo se dice? -- a F.
She stopped wearing makeup,
she stopped dyeing her hairs,
because what was the point?
Oh, she made us laugh
with her stories...
and her crazy white hair
blowing in the wind.
She used to have a joke.
"You want to see
an invisible woman?
Watch me
go into this bar."
[ Laughs ]
And after she drank herself
to death,
her funeral
was so beautiful
and not at all crowded.
That was Tía Chuchi.
Sweet dreams.
-I'm gonna die alone.
-Penelope, you are not
going to die alone.
-Tía Chuchi did.
-So you're just
making up names now?
-Look, the census guy
came to my house,
and I realized, in 10 years,
when he comes back,
that it will just...
be me.
-I see. So this is about
the fact that you're single.
-No, Pam!
I am very happy without
a man in my life, thank you.
-Is that why you texted
all of us "911"?
-It's true, though.
I don't need a man.
The problem is --
I still like men.
-We all have flaws.
-[ Sighs ] What I want
is to not want a man.
Discuss.
-Step 1 --
start liking women.
Start 2 --
turn to your right.
-You should
start dating again,
and not just because
when you have a boyfriend,
the rest of us
get to talk.
-Dating is exactly
what I don't want to do.
You know, all that
stupid small talk.
"Where'd you go to high school?
How many siblings do you have?"
-I went to Roosevelt,
and I have two brothers.
-I wish there was an app
called Six Dates In,
where you fast-forward
to knowing everything
about each other
and then just watch "The Great
British Bake Off" together
and then --
-Have the great American
pants-off.
-Exactly.
[ Laughs ]
I can't believe
I'm 42 years old
and I'm still worried
about this stuff.
In the olden days,
I'd be dead by now.
-You could start smoking.
-Or stop using sunscreen.
-Or be like
my dumb-ass cousin
and try to take a selfie
with a tiger.
-Okay, I'm not actually looking
for advice on how to die young.
It's been so long
since I dated,
and the last great relationship
I had was Max.
W-W-What?
You all think I should
get back together with Max?
-No.
We're just all scared to ask you
for his phone number.
-You do talk about him a lot,
Pen.
-Yeah, Max was great,
but he wants kids, and I don't.
-Well, so start dating again.
What else are you gonna do?
Shack up with a sex robot
who likes English cooking shows?
-I hear they're close
on that technology.
-[ Robotically ] I like
Yorkshire pudding
and your vagina.
[ Timer beeps ]
-It's been 24 hours
since I talked to Syd.
Are you proud of me?
-Actually --
-Okay, you caught me!
I'm a disaster!
I miss them so much,
and this has been the worst
experience of my life.
-This is the most predictable
thing I've ever been a part of.
-Mom.
-What?
-How do you do it?
-Do what, honey?
-Be alone,
go through life
without a partner
who cares about you.
-Okay, well,
that's one way of putting it.
Actually, I've been
talking about this in therapy,
and I love being alone.
It's the best.
And we're strong women who don't
need a partner to define us.
Anyway, I have a date.
-What?! You said
you love being alone.
-I know.
But Ramona set me up with
this guy that she works with,
and I don't really want to go,
but it's good for me
to get out there.
Plus, I am having
the greatest hair day.
I can't
keep this to myself.
I mean, my babies.
Come on.
Look, look.
Look at the bounce.
Look, look.
Look at this bounce.
Look, look.
Look at it!
-Your hair's great.
-Thank you.
-But your brows...
Qué barbaridad.
-And after Carrie,
it's me, so I'm the youngest.
But I had sisters,
so lucky you.
-Oh, I just love
hearing about siblings.
-Really?
-Usually,
I hate this part.
I wish we could just
download our histories,
and then
the date could begin.
-Totally. I agree.
This is the worst.
No, that's --
I didn't mean that.
-Yes, you did,
and it's okay.
-At our age, we just want to
cut through all the B.S.
-Oh, my God.
Yes, Max.
Thank you.
-Max?
W-Who's Max?
-♪ Max...imum fun ♪
♪ Is what
we're about to have ♪
♪ Now that all the family stuff
is out the way ♪
-Cool.
-To the max!
Where'd you go
to high school?
-Oh, um, I went to --
-You don't care where
I went to high school.
-That is true.
-Are you okay?
-Huh?
-Are you okay?
-Oh...
yeah, I'm fine.
-'Sup, girl?
-Do you want me to
dress that?
-No.
-Syd's gonna dump me,
aren't they?
I always assumed I would be
the dumper, not the dumpee.
[ Scoffs ]
Should I break up with them
before they break up with me?
Should I go straight into
a rebound relationship?
There is a really hot barista
at the coffee shop downstairs.
Do you think Syd is
dating the barista?!
If they leave me,
it will just be you and me!
-Dear God,
you've got to get them back!
[ Knock on door ]
-Syd.
What are you doing here?
-You called me.
-No, I didn't.
-I did.
You were being stupid,
so I called them
and pretended to be you.
-And that worked?
-Of course.
[ High-pitched voice ]
"Hello. This is Elena.
I'm just sitting here,
not brushing my hair.
You want to come over?"
-I wanted to be convinced.
-Well, this is a disaster.
-Nah, it's like four hairs.
I got tweezers.
We can take care of it
right now.
-What?
What are you talking about?
-Your jazz-brows situation.
Obviously,
that's why you're so upset.
-No! I just went out on a date.
-Looking like that?!
-Focus!
I went on a date
with a perfectly nice guy,
and he kept
turning into Max.
-Yeah, happens to me, too.
-What?
-Look, Max is awesome,
and the fact that
he appears to you as a date
or to me as
an imaginary shirtless buddy
who gives great advice
is totally normal.
-Okay, let me say words,
and you just shh-shh-shh-shh!
I have to move on from him,
and, clearly,
I can't because I miss him,
and that freakin' sucks.
-Pen, you are a strong,
independent woman.
-You don't need a man to de--
-I know all that.
I do.
But Max is still in here.
And in here.
And in here.
-I get it.
-I blame
that stupid census guy,
coming in and reminding me
that I'm single?
I have to check a box so the
government knows that I'm alone?
That's aggressive.
-Actually, the census kind of
messed with my head a bit, too.
-Really?
-Yep.
And that's why I got news.
I asked Avery to move in
with me, and she said "yes"!
-Really?!
-Yeah.
-That's huge!
-I know.
-Oh, my God!
Seriously!
I am so happy for you.
-Thank you.
Well, you know,
I found the perfect person,
and I didn't
want to blow it.
-Do you think
I blew it with Max?
-Oh, yeah, totally.
-Schneider!
-Sorry. I'm sorry.
But, hey,
maybe it's not too late.
At Victor's wedding, Max
wouldn't stop talking about you.
Why don't you, you know,
check in with him?
-How?
I'm not just gonna text him,
"You up?"
-Nah,
he doesn't respond to that.
-I got to admit,
when I drive past
the hospital he works at,
I'm always tempted to
pull in and say hi.
-So pull in, say hi,
see what happens.
-Thank you, Schneider.
-Hey, my job,
as your best friend,
is to hold up a mirror...
and take care
of those eyebrows.
-[ Scoffs ]
-There's your forehead.
-Shut up!
Ooh, damn!
-I missed you
as soon as you left.
-Me too.
The moment
I walked out the door,
I felt an ache
in the bowels of my bowels.
-Okay, let's wrap up
the sexy talk.
-What were we thinking?
-I don't know.
I guess we were trying to
do the mature thing.
-Why?
You're not mature.
You're two teenagers who
spent last week discussing
whether some "Star Trek" lady
is gay or not.
-Seven of Nine is gay.
-No, no, no.
All of the Borg
are non-binary.
-Except their programming,
which is binary code.
-You will be
assimilated.
-Can you boldly go
somewhere else?
-But no high-school couples
make it through college.
Are we just
fooling ourselves?
We don't want to
be those people.
-You know what?
Screw it.
Let's be those people.
-And I'm gonna be
this person.
-Ambulance pulling in!
-Ooh, great!
[ Quietly ] Oh, my God.
Okay.
[ Normal voice ]
Excuse me.
Are you expecting any more
horrible medical emergencies?
I was hoping to see my ex.
-I hear that, sister.
-No, I'm sorry.
I'm -- I'm looking for an EMT.
-Max?
-Yes.
-Yeah.
He doesn't work here anymore.
-Oh.
-He took a job working for
some Doctors Without Borders
group in Indonesia.
Lucky cholera victims.
Anyway, he left
a couple months ago.
Sorry.
-Thank you.
-One of the nurses made
a Max of the Month calendar
if you want a copy.
It was me.
-Listen, Mom,
you're a strong, independent
woman who doesn't need a man --
-Yep, got it.
I agree.
Yep.
But it's okay for me to admit
that I can still be
a feminist badass
and want a boyfriend.
-Yeah, that is okay.
-And I hope
you do find someone,
'cause I'm so happy
and I want that for you.
-Aww.
-Mom, today made me appreciate
how hard relationships can be.
And, more importantly,
how annoying.
But don't worry.
Nora and I are not
gonna be like that.
-Who's Nora?
-Oh.
I have a girlfriend.
-What?