One Day at a Time (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - One Valentine's Day at a Time - full transcript

Rain ruins Valentine's Day plans, causing more than one couple to have their first fight. Schneider tries to hide his wealthy background from Avery.

Man, we killed that
all-you-can-eat buffet.

Yup.

What? It says, "All you can eat."
I will eat all of it.

This is on them.

Oh, I'm with you.

What else you got in there?

That's not what I...
Never mind. Don't answer.

Hey, so, Valentine's Day is tomorrow.

We should do something, right?

Look, I like flowers, chocolates,

and a stupid teddy bear
I'm gonna throw in the trash



as much as the next girl.

But we've both been married before.
We know that Valentine's Day sucks.

Let's just skip it.

I have been married before.

This smells like a trap.

It's not a trap.

My family is going out.

I'm taking the day for myself,

and you should do all the stuff
that you like to do.

Whatever that is.

We don't know each other that well.

Okay.

Although, I was going use
the occasion to make my big move

since we haven't kissed yet.



No, no, don't talk about it.
What are you doing?

Just making sure
that I'm safely out of the friend zone.

You are out of the friend zone

and you soon will have access
to other zones.

Okay, get out of here. Get out.

Bye.

That was the saddest thing
we have ever heard.

Come on, everyone.
I love you all but I want you gone.

We are going to have so much fun
at the viejitos lawn bowling tournament.

Lawn bowl so hard,
other chuckers want to find me.

That sounds like a hell of a date.
You must be anxious to get it started.

Don't be silly, Lupe.

Leslie is not my date.
He is the chaperone.

Who's your date?

Let's get this bocce ball rolling.

You're really this excited
about watching lawn bowling?

I've been grounded for three weeks
with no phone or TV.

Last week, I read a Jane Austen book...

for fun.

Yeah, remember you're still grounded,

and the only reason I'm letting you go
is 'cause this seems worse.

What do you think?

I think I'm glad you two found each other.

We are celebrating.

This is our first Valentine's together,

and my first time
acknowledging Valentine's

since all the other years
I was at home making fun of it

'cause, really, I was sad.

Why does your head look like a butt?

They're hearts.

We are not doing
the typical corporate Valentine's Day.

I have planned an amazing day of service.

Syd and I are doing
the Heart Healthy fun run.

Did you know that heart disease
is the number one killer of women?

Second only to these dimples.

Papito, you are
the number one lady killer.

You are the lady serial killer.

Okay, Mami, getting weird.

Anyway, what we're doing is perfect.

Yeah. What else are we gonna do?

Have an amazing time at Benihana
marveling at a volcano onion?

Yeah, right.

Oh, good, you're all here.
Everybody, huddle up. I need advice.

Listen, I'm begging you. Make this quick.

1796.

- The Schneiders arrived in the New World.
- Quicker.

We got rich, but I told Avery,
the girl that I'm dating, that I'm poor.

So... how does that whole nightmare work?

We're not poor, we're middle-class.

Yeah, that's good.
Tell me other things poor people say.

Just take her to your apartment.

Then she'll know I'm rich.

It's a shame, too,

'cause I just installed a hot tub
and a high-tech Japanese toilet.

When you flush, it says, "Arigato."

Take her to the Burbank Airport,

watch the planes take off
while eating Taco Bell drive-through.

Get her cinnamon twists if you
want to go south of the border. Bye!

Damn, now I want Taco Bell.

What? You want me to steam my puka?

Yeah, right.

Oh, fifty percent off. Maybe.

What's happening?

Couch nap.

It's gonna hurt my back.

That's a tomorrow problem.

Hey!

No, no, no.

Go away or I will stick my foot up your...

Avery!

Oh, God. It's so nice to see you.

What are you two doing here?

Well, there we were
at the Burbank Airport,

watching planes and...

eating chalupas.

I believe it was Jenny from my block
who said, "Love don't cost a thing."

It was so fun.

Whenever a private plane
would fly over us,

the pilot would wave at Schneider
like he knew him.

I got one of those faces.

Okay. Anyway, um, I'm kind of doing
an alone thing for Valentine's Day.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It gets better.

No. No, no, no. This...
It's by choice, obviously. I mean...

Well, I usually dress better.

I'm sorry. We can...
we can totally head out.

It's just that... Hmm.

I live in one of those tiny houses,
and my roommate wants to lie down.

So...

- And we don't feel like fighting the rain.
- What? Is it raining out there?

Oh, yeah. It's coming down
like a waterfall in Bali.

I imagine.

The veijitas lawn bowling tournament

turned into the veijitas
wet T-shirt contest.

No.

It was so beautiful on the outside.

I should have looked at the sky.

Wait. Where's Mami?

Don't look at me!

A horrible truth has been revealed.

Papito, get me a straightening iron
and the Bible.

Can't we just get an umbrella
and go back out there?

Are you crazy?

Everybody knows that going outside
with wet hair

is almost as deadly as walking barefoot
in your own home.

Ay, Mami, a little rain never hurt anyone.

You both look like Carrie.

Don't be silly, Miss Alvarez.

I don't have telekinetic powers...

no matter how hard I try.

The rain ruined the fun run.

And all those hypocrites bailed,

so Syd and I finished the whole thing,
just to prove a point.

Yeah, you really showed them.

You look ridiculous.

Hmm. Look who's talking, Chia Pet.

And your hair is flat.

You know what's crazy?

We ran right past Benihana.

See all those people catching shrimp
in their mouths and laughing?

Yeah, all of those people having fun.

I am so glad we're beyond that.

Oh, hello.

I see there are more than six peoples
in our home.

Well, that settles it.

We must have a party.

I will get my box of decorations.

- Leslie, get the box of decorations.
- No, no. Guys, no!

This is LA. Rain lasts only five minutes.
It's gonna clear up.

Ay, fine. We'll have a fun party.

Story of my life.

Leslie, don't be depressing.

Sorry, it's kind of my default.

Who reads this crap?

"32 Questions to Make You Fall
Head Over Heels."

Well, what are they?

Ooh. This looks fun.

Question one.

Schneider.

"What's your favorite childhood memory?"

Uh...

Have you ever seen Forrest Gump?

- No.
- Oh.

Well, in that case, let me tell you
something Mama always said.

Wow, Mom, you clean up nice.

Oh, thank you. You're still grounded.

But I'll admit it's nice
to have an excuse to dress up.

Come on. If you want
to get out of the apartment,

help me find the champagne flutes
in the garage

because we are having a party!

You're having a party?

We are having a party.

Nah, man, we ain't having no party.

Okay. I was just going
to leave these at your door...

No. Listen, don't be mad.

I, really... I was supposed to be alone
having a romantic time with myself.

Let me start that over.

Uh, the rain ruined everything,
and everybody came back,

and we're Cuban,
so now we're having a party.

Well, I'm Colombian,
so I actually get that.

Except with my mom, it's not...

It's...

Do I hear a Colombian?

Thank you for my flowers.

You should stay.

- But my socks are wet.
- You can take them off.

Barefoot on a cold floor?
My Tío Paco died that way.

They said it was the cancer,
but we all knew.

Mami, you're gonna love him.

Hey, Sam's dad.

What's the news from the outside?

Do they still have the Internet?

Still grounded, huh?

I'd kill for a cat video right now.

Why don't you invite Sam over?

Maybe being around someone his own age
will take the edge off.

Oh, I would but he's spending
the night at his mother's.

Maybe next time.

We didn't have a dime to our name...

but I needed those leg braces.

So Mama marched up those stairs
and did what she had to.

This was years
before I met the president.

Wow, that is just...

Can you believe this guy?

I really can't.

Hey, I'm so sorry
that our plans turned into this.

But we can still do something
socially aware.

Like, did they ever free Tibet?
We should check on that.

Or we could just keep hanging out
at the party.

I'm kind of curious to find out what
happened to Schneider's friend, Bubba.

There's pineapple shrimp,
coconut shrimp...

Leslie, your breathing is so sad.

Stop breathing.

I'm sorry. This day gets in my head.

My wife left me on Valentine's Day.

Pobrecito.

And the divorce papers arrived
on April Fool's.

You can imagine the confusion.

Wow! I was sad about my life
until just now.

Thanks, Doc.

Hey, Leslie,

you cannot go through life
like there's a cloud over your head.

I am a bruja. I knew it.

- Mom, there's a leak!
- What?

All right. Don't worry, everybody.

The super will fix it.

Schneider, fix it!

I'm on it!
Let me just go get my tool belt.

Ooh. Is it in your apartment?

No. It's next to the trash-can fire
I use to keep warm.

Let's finish the questions.

I thought of a lot more
dream vacation spots.

Reno, the biggest little city
in the world.

Can we please not?

I'm so tired of looking at happy girls
in tampon ads.

PMS is a thing and it's okay to feel it.

Fine, let's just do
what you want to do, again.

Hold on.

What do you mean by that?

You think everything I want to do
is stupid or a joke.

When did I say that?

Only the three times I said
I wanted to go to Benihana.

I thought that was a stupid joke!

Oh.

I've been dropping hints left and right.

Maybe you should pay
a little less attention to the world

and a little more attention to me.

Or maybe you should be
a little less passive-aggressive

and just tell me what you want!

Fine! I want to leave!

But I can't because my dad
isn't picking me up for two hours.

So instead, I want to find out
what color makes my eyes pop.

Great news, I made an important discovery.

You guys don't live on the top floor.

So this can't be rainwater.

Oh.

It got in my mouth.

So, where is this water coming from?

That's as far as I got.

Well, let's ask the water
where it's coming from.

Um, it's warm,

and it smells like bergamot and hibiscus.

Ooh. That's nice.

It is your stupid hot tub!

It's leaking.

Wait. You have a hot tub?

No.

That would be crazy
for a simple boy from Alabama...

Okay, I'm rich!

Like, really rich. I own this building.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I just thought you'd think less of me
if you knew I had a lot of money.

I don't...
I don't think less of you.

What's happening?

Is that a Dries Van Noten blouse?

Yes.

I'm rich too.

But it's family money.
I didn't make it on purpose.

No, no, no. I know that pain.

You spend and you spend and you spend,
and there's always more.

Oh, this is some bull.

Look, I... I do have a tiny house.

I just keep it in the ballroom
of my giant house.

I just wanted you to like me.

I just wanted you to like me.

Leak!

Right. Right.

Let's go fix my hot tub.

Or better yet,
let's pay someone else to do it.

Oh! Que romántico! Whoo!

Is it always like this over here?

Come dance with me.

Hey.

I just want to tell you that
I'm really glad you came over tonight.

Me too.

I feel very much at home here.

My mom's crucifixes are a lot bloodier,
but same All-Star team of Popes.

It's pretty great.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

My son.

Everything okay?

First, unload the dishwasher,
then PlayStation.

All right. I'll see you when I get home.

I thought you said Sam was with his mom.

What?

Oh.

Right.

You lied to me?

Why don't want Sam to come over?

Does he not know we're dating?

Are you embarrassed of me?

It's not you.

It's Elena, isn't it?

I know she's a lot.

No, Elena is great.

Alex?

What's wrong with Alex?

Sam's only 15.

I just want to keep him away from
certain things for as long as possible.

This is about the weed thing?

Alex... made a mistake
like every teenager who's ever lived.

He's a good kid.

And if you haven't noticed,
he's being punished by a really on-it mom.

Look, I'm not gonna apologize
for being overprotective,

or as we Colombians call it, "Colombian."

Oh, please. Cubans invented it.

- You know what Colombians are known for?
- Don't you say it!

We also have coffee and Shakira.

Look...

I did what I thought was right.

I didn't even let him go
on sleepovers till he was 14.

Fourteen?

You let a baby sleep over
at a stranger's house?

You call that overprotective?

We didn't even have furniture
with corners on it until Alex was 12.

My son's never been in a public pool!

I make my kids wear flip-flops
in our own shower

'cause I don't know where we've been.

We are both very overprotective people!

I guess so!

- It's nice to be with someone who gets it.
- Right?

I mean, it's not like we're crazy.

No, everybody else is crazy
for not being like us.

I can see what a great kid Alex is.

And when his grounding is up, I'd like to
have him come over and hang with Sam.

Have you tested your paint for lead?

Of course.

I tested your paint for lead.

That is so hot.

Hey.

Hey.

- Are you going to break up with me?
- What?

No, I'm here to tell you
that green makes my eyes pop.

I could have told you that.

I'm really sorry that
I didn't take your ideas seriously.

And I'm sorry I wasn't more direct
about what I wanted.

Mmm. Our first fight.

It was a real knock-down,
drag-out emotional brawl.

How do you make sure
we never have one of those again?

Just take me to Benihana.
How can I be clearer?

Look.

I love that you're woker
than a barnyard rooster.

But... sometimes you just want to hang out
with your best gal at a restaurant

that's not just a meal.

It's an experience.

I made you something.

I... bailed on giving it to you 'cause
I thought it was kind of corny, but...

Get it?

It's binary code, zeros and ones,
except for the heart,

which is all the other numbers.
So it's a...

A non-binary heart!

Oh, my God. I love you.

I mean... I hope that's okay.

But I do.

Of course it's okay.

I love you too.

Sorry, we're such a cliché
saying I love you

for the first time on Valentine's Day.

I'm too happy to care.

This is the best thing
anyone's ever gotten me.

That is until we go...

I get it! I'll take you to Benihana.

The leak stopped.

Thank you, Schneider!

Whoo! Ha-ha!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Thought we'd come back to the party

instead of heading
to some fancy restaurant.

We're not too elite
to hang with the real peeps.

Late reservation?

10:30 was the earliest we could get.

It's nice to have so many happy couples
under one roof.

Yeah. I'm your classic ninth wheel.

Just for the record,

Abuelita and I are not together.

Leslie.

I want to tell you something.

Valentine's Day...

was Berto's day to shine.

Every detail was perfect.

Every piece of chocolate,
every petal on every flower... impecable.

But... after Berto,

I knew that there was no way that I would
ever have a date with someone else

on Valentine's Day.

Because...

it would dishonor his memory.

I understand.

But...

...I figured if I spent the day
with my grandson,

and we had a chaperone...

that would be okay.

Yeah?

We should share a kiss.

I'm going to eat this...

even though I'm highly allergic.

This isn't how I saw
Valentine's Day going.

But I'm glad it happened.

Salud.

Salud.

The rain has stopped,
things are finally starting to look up.

I don't know how
but I'm sure this is my fault.

I thought you said you fixed the hot tub!

I did!

Oh, my Japanese toilet!

Arigato.

Run, Schneider, run!