One Day at a Time (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Hermanos - full transcript

Man, I'm so jealous.

Chloe and her family are going
on a ski trip for the break.

They're staying in a hotel room
with two rooms.

It's called a "suite."

Fool, I've seen Basketball Wives,
I know what a suite is.

- We never go on vacation.
- Oh, yes, we do.

You just don't know
because last time we went,

you were too young to form memories.

Where do you think your
Mickey Mouse ears came from?

The Dollar Store.

They're not even Mickey Mouse,
they're Ricky Rat.



Can you whine about your
sad little life somewhere else?

I'm doing my SAT prep.
I have a 1,000 words to learn!

I have two words for you.

You're a dingus.

That's three words, dingus!

Hey!

Can I have five minutes
of peace with you two?

It is true.
Those two have been fighting a lot.

Elena, stop it.

Maybe we do need a little R&R.

Oh. Oye.

Why don't we go visit
your brother in Seattle?

It is on my bouquet list.

Mami, Tito travels for a living.



If he wants to see us, he can come here.

You know, the way he did when you were
clinging to life in the hospital.

Oh, right, that was everybody but him.

You are always so hard on him.

Mami, whatever. I get it.

- He's the boy. He can do no wrong.
- Ugh!

You really embrace that Cuban stereotype.

That's why Tito he is.

Confident, handsome, and successful?

Then hashtag, no regrets.

I don't know.
Where would we even go on vacation?

Tito has been helping open restaurants
all over the world.

He could make sure
that we have an amazing vacation.

Well, guess what?

So can I.

Pack your bags, people,
we are going on vacation.

It's gonna be great,
and it's gonna bring us closer than ever.

- Move over!
- You move over!

Lupe...

I think we should have taken
another way to San Diego.

Really, Mami?

Because I picked this route
just so we can sit next to the power plant

that looks like a boobs for half an hour!

It's okay.
It's all gonna be worth it.

Look at this guy behind us
all mad at me.

What? What, dumb-ass?

Oh, my blinker's on.

Oh. Sorry.

Callow.

"Juvenile and immature."
And look, it's a picture of you.

Elena, stop reading in the car,
you know it makes you nauseous.

Oh, please, sir, just go right ahead.

Oh, I'm on the shoulder.

This sucks.

Why didn't we just fly to San Diego?

Your abuelita refuses to fly.

Planes are the trash cans of the sky.

Everybody knows this.

Mami, I don't feel so good.

Mami, it's not funny.

I know, but when Elena throws up
she makes the funny sound.

Like a sad foghorn.

I'm sorry, baby.

Like a drunken moose.

Ay, Dios mio!

Oh, really, no, I couldn't stay.

Hmm?

Ah, I agree, we should redo
the family portraits.

Hello, Schneider.

Lydia asked me to water her plant.

Oh!

She must've not known
that Pen asked me to do it.

Don't worry, I got this.

No, no.

No inconvenience.

Don't you live in Encino?

Just a 55-minute drive each way.

I don't mind.

I want to do it.

But I have all the equipment.

But I have nothing else in my life!

Well, we did that.

I should probably be getting
to the rest of my day.

Yeah.

Time for me to go home.

Alone.

Sit in the dark.

And weep into my body pillow.

You know...

if you leave now, you'll probably
be hitting some crazy traffic.

Rush hour starts at four.
What time is it?

One.

Oh.

We should just eat.

There's a great new Italian place
around the corner.

Or...
We could just stay here and cook.

Yes!

Ah!

Que damn fancy.

They even spell motel with an H.

Mom, how can we afford this?

You don't need money when you know
how to play the game.

I put together a combo of my student ID,
USAA, and AAA discount.

Also if anyone asks, I'm a travel agent.

And the bathroom's so nice!

Guys, come here, check it out.
We have a view of the pool.

Dang, that's a lot of bikinis.

Don't forget the talk we had
about respecting women.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's hearts behind the boobs.

Those are some big hearts.

My vacation is already
bringing you two together.

Okay, that's enough.

- Mami.
- Huh?

Look what I got you.

A Bible?

- And you arranged for this.
- Yeah.

She don't know.

Alright, let's grab some snacks
and go down to the pool.

Oh, the children already drank their sodas
on the way here.

Well, no problem.

We'll just grab some from the minibar.

Mom, you said minibars were introduced
by the CIA to punish poor people.

Mami, no!

The weight sensor!

Who do you think you're talking to?

Sandbag!

Abuelita, get the Bible.

Ba-bam!

We'll replace it later.

Oh, and while we're here,
you two are 12-year-old twins.

And I will not claim I'm a senior citizen.

No one will believe it.

- You don't have to 'cause you're not here.
- Huh?

It was cheaper to say
it's just me and the kids.

They probably won't come up.

Mami get in the closet!

Act like twins!

Tito.

Llegó la fiesta.

Ha!

What are you doing here?

Mami called me.

- Tío!
- Elena.

- Hey, Tío.
- Alex, wassup?

Buh-buh-buh-bup.

Wait for it.

Ba-bam! Ba-bam!

- Love you.
- Thanks, Tío.

Love you.

Mami, you can come out. It's Tito.

Elena, that is how
you come out of the closet.

Tito.

Ah.

I just don't think that
the infrastructure is there

to handle the water needs
of our exploding population.

I hear you.

And with the clouds moving
away from the equator,

towards the poles,

we're talking about a real crisis.

Wasn't Tito so wonderful to travel to us?

He is a hero.

You remember I'm a war veteran, right?

What?

I mean, isn't it nice
to see his face again?

- I made that face with sex from your papi.
- What?

So he doesn't show up
when you're in the hospital,

but he gets to horn in on the vacation

that I didn't sleep
for three nights, planning?

You know he was abroad.

He called me.

He would've been there if he could.

Oye, who wants to go to the pool?

I hooked us up with a cabana.

Anything you have to hook up,
I'm in.

Oh, and I have a great place for us
to have dinner out later.

That's alright, 'cause I already made
a reservation at a place called Veranda.

They offer a big discount
if you eat before six,

and it's the twins' birthday.

Oh, yeah, that place is great.

But is it on a boat?

What?!

I am so over land restaurants!

Papito, you are so smart.

All restaurants should be on boats.

Okay, as long as it's okay with you.
I don't want to step on your toes,

or get near them, Lupita stinky feeta.

I forgot about that one.

Whatever, Tito little pito.

Lupita, that is just plain mean.

You think there's life on other planets?

I hope so.

I always thought I have
an alien-ish physique.

Oh, you would crush it
on another planet, Doc.

Man, before I got sober I never would have
been able to enjoy something like this.

I always thought I needed drugs
to see the beauty in things.

Well, I've just gotten into drugs myself,

and, uh...

I've been using these

medical marijuana lozenges
to help me relax.

They're called Lemon Dopes.

That is one relaxed lemon.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.

I can be around it. Doesn't bother me.

Now.

I just need them to help me sleep, yeah.

I'm such an old-guy cliché.

You know, with the tossing and the turning

and the constant night terrors with
my ex-wife and daughters strangling me.

Oh, my god, that sounds awful.

Just my ex is strangling me.

My daughters are filling
my pockets with rocks.

I don't know much about dreams.

Maybe it means something good.

Our minds are such mysteries.

How long have you been sober?

Almost eight years.

Wow.

That is really impressive.

I can't even imagine
the strength that must have taken.

Ah.

I'm proud of you, Schneider.

You are?

Absolutely.

Do you know how long

I've waited for any sort of
father figure to say that to me?

You think of me as a father figure?

Of course.

You're my father,

and Penelope is my much older sister.
I'm the miracle baby.

I'm sorry I'm getting so emotional.

My kids think of me as a failure figure.

Well, not this kid.

Ah, that ocean.

Takes me back to Cuba.

It was on a night like this,

when I debuted as a dancer,

and I wore my mami's heels.

And my lean calves

looked like they had been
chiseled out of marble.

But when I stepped on
the dance floor I suddenly saw...

My sister Maruchi
had also entered the competition.

I am so happy that
I brought you into this world

to laugh at me.

Because of your giant heads,
I pee when I cough.

Okay.

I'm gonna go out on the deck
and take some photos for my Insta.

Yeah, it's been ten minutes.

People might start believing
you actually have a life.

Bite me.

Hey, hey. Come on.

Elena, go with your brother.

Haven't I already thrown up enough today?

No one is wandering around alone.

We're on a boat.

- Where could I go?
- Overboard?

It happens all the time.

Have you not seen that movie Overboard?

Or that other movie,
the remake of Overboard?

Well, I'm going.

Remember Mami never let us go
to the freezer section

of the supermarket alone

because we might accidentally
get trapped in there?

"In the freezer no one
can hear you scream."

"Everybody knows this."

So did you freeze to death?

You're welcome.

- Heard you were here.
- Bruce.

Tito was key in getting us that crucial
fifth anchor in Restaurant Boat Magazine,

so, uh...

consider all your wine on the house.

Oh, in that case,
we'll have another bottle, or five.

Just kidding, four will do.

Well, we also have him to thank for
getting us up in time for Fouth of July.

- It is great seeing you again, brother.
- Same here.

You were here for the Fourth?

So you were a two-hour drive away when
Mami was in the hospital after her stroke.

You were working,

far away.

Mami...

Well, I'm sure you had your reasons.

Permiso.

What's up?

El Capitan here.

Living that yacht life.

Right now I'm up on her stern.

That means her butt.

Peace.

Nice, so just because a boat is something
someone can own, it has to be a woman.

I'm sorry.

I'll ask the boat what
its preferred pronoun is.

God, you are so insensitive.

Okay, I get it, you hate me.

What?

No, I don't.

It just seems like
everything I say makes you mad.

So? Everything everyone says
makes me mad.

Well, it just makes me
not want to talk to you.

Honestly, I didn't think
you listened to me.

I mean, you're always on your phone
or with your stupid friends.

Yeah.

And you're always saying
that you hate my friends,

and that I'm exactly like them, so...

I told you, I don't hate you.

I mean, sometimes I wanna kill you,

but just like in the normal way.

I only want to kill you
in the normal way too.

But yeah, I'm glad you don't hate me.

Of course I don't, stupid.

I don't want us to end up like Tío
and Mami. I mean, they barely talk.

That'll never be us.

Have you met yourself?

You like to talk... a lot.

Besides, we need each other.

Yeah, we do.

To deal with Mom.

Aww. We got that twin thing.

Remember when we were little,

Mami wouldn't let us go on the seesaw
'cause we weren't the same weight?

"You're gonna launch your brother
into freaking space!"

Plus, some day I want nieces and nephews
to throw cash at, like Tío Tito.

I'm not having any kids.

Then... your cats.

That is such a stereotype.

But yes, there will be cats.

Hey, how about this?

I will take a picture
of you for Instagram,

if you stop talking about the boat's butt.

Okay.

And for every pic you take of me,
I'll quiz you on a vocabulary word.

Deal.

Nice work.

You really got my jawline.

Narcissism.

Oh, come on.

You are unbelievable.

Look, I didn't visit Mami at the hospital

because I knew she wouldn't want me
to see her like that.

- You know how she is.
- What's your point?

She also would've preferred
to die on the floor

rather than let EMTs
see her without lipstick.

She needed you there,

and you didn't show up.

Just like when Papi died.

What you talking about? I was there.

For the funeral, that's it.

Who do you think had to make
all the arrangements?

- Me.
- Yeah, I paid for everything.

- I don't want your freaking money.
- Right.

Papi was gone, Mami was in pieces,

and you were nowhere to be found.

I was wrecked after Papi died.

We were all wrecked.

But too freaking bad,

because we are the grown-ups now.

And we both have to step it up.

You've always been the grown-up.

Right? I mean, that's what you do.

You're the superwoman.

When Mami was in the hospital,

I couldn't do it.

Lupe, I...

could not see Mami like that.

Bad stuff is gonna happen, Tito.

And next time we might not be so lucky.

We might lose her.

Am I gonna lose you, too?

I know we have our things, but I miss you.

Jerk.

I miss you, too.

Jerk.

And you know,

good stuff is gonna happen too.

And I really want you there for that.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I love you, Lupita.

I love you too,

Tito little pito.

I love you...

even if you are Mami's favorite.

Ay. What?

- What? Shut up! No.
- It's true.

I know I get all the press,

but, look, if this boat goes down,
you know who she's saving.

- Alex.
- Yeah.

But then you.

You know this viejita did this to us.

I think she thinks you're perfect.

You think she thinks I'm perfect.

Really, I just think
she thinks she's perfect.

She kinda is.

Yeah, she kinda is.

But crazy.

Oh, off the rails.

Se el tren hace rato.

Hey, uh...

- Does she still talk to Papi?
- Oh, yeah.

They never been stronger.

They go on dates.

Who pays?

That's your question?

Hey, guys, check out these pictures
Alex took of me.

He taught me how to "smeyes."
That means smile with my eyes.

Oh?

- I'm still working on it.
- Oh.

I'm just glad you two are getting along.

Yeah.

Our consanguinity has never been
more indubitable.

Say what?

Oye.

I'm sorry for not coming to see you
when you were sick.

Oh...

- It's okay.
- No.

No, it isn't.

It was selfish. It'll never happen again.

I don't know
what I would do if I lost you.

Ay, Papito.

Te quiero tanto.

Y yo te, Mami.

Oye.

Mirada...

I'm gonna be around more.

No.

- Yes?
- Yeah.

Pupita has really been
on my fotingo about it.

She's right.

I guess, uh, we're both...

pretty lucky to have her.

Ay, Penelopita.

Can you believe

how selfless he is to compliment you?

I did not think it was possible,

but now you are even more perfect

than ever.

Me too, baby.