One Big Happy (2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Out of the Closet - full transcript

Good morning, roomies.

Thank you for both being
fully clothed today...

so far.

And thank you for not
walking in two minutes ago.

Uck, straight people.

- So how you feeling, Mommy?
- Pretty good, Daddy.

Should we never call
each other that again?

- Absolutely not.
- Yeah.

Lizzy, I know I've only had
a few weeks for it to sink in,

but I still can't believe

you're gonna be having my hubby's baby.



And I can't believe someone as hot as you

would marry into a situation like this.

And I can't believe your
second date was your wedding.

Look at us, we all can't believe things!

I've made you a nice English breakfast.

I used to fix this all the time for my mum

when she was pregnant with my sisters,

and they all turned
out perfectly healthy...

except for Kathy.

Prudence made you bangers and mash,

which is food and not a cop show on USA,

as I originally thought.

What is this plate? This isn't my plate.

Who brought in outside plates?



Calm down, Anal Annie.

Never gonna say that again either.

That's Prudence's plate... her
stuff finally arrived from England.

It's official, you
can't get rid of me now.

Right, right, time will tell.

But I'm sure I can make
room for a couple of plates.

Oh, there's way more than that in there.

I'll show you.

If we can get this door open.

Wow, this is not...

I am not... handling this well.

Relax, I know it looks
like a lot of boxes.

But who's counting?

I am... There's 39!

These boxes aren't even labeled.

Don't they have Sharpies
where you come from

in Candy Land or Hogwarts?

I'm from a small village called Splitwick.

It's just east of Dungle Boon Heath.

And I don't need labels.

Look, this one's got all
my jumpers and trainers.

Oh, this one's got my kitchen bits.

None of those are real things.

Oh, look!

It's my granny's cock!

- What's that?
- What?

- She meant rooster.
- Thank God.

This cock has been in my
family for over 100 years.

I need to find a special
place to stick it.

Can you please tell her to say "rooster"?

Nope.

So what are we thinking?

Dig right in, be done by lunch,

or straight to the Dumpster?

Hey, remember, she's my wife.

And you're the one who insisted

that we all live together,

'cause you're a great
friend and a great roommate.

I guess I have been pretty great.

I don't know if I would say hero.

No one did.

So I guess I will continue to be awesome

and generously open my
home to all of your stuff.

Great!

Oh, how about I take the big hall closet?

- How about you shut your mouth?
- No...

Sorry.

Is that closet special?

Is it the one you came out of?

Yeah.

There's one closet for everybody...

and it's here.

That closet is where she keeps
her ex-girlfriend Erica's stuff,

even though she moved out three years ago.

Lesbians move in quick,

but they get over each other real slow.

Wow!

Three years and you still
have your ex's things?

Lizzy, I knew you were uptight and OCD

and often humorless.

I didn't realize you were such an avoider.

What? I'm... You...

No, I am not an avoider.

I would just rather talk
about a more pressing issue.

Like, how about those super volcanoes?

One of those mothers goes off,
none of this means nothin'.

Look, Prudence is right.

You've been avoiding this for a long time.

I tried to tell you, your
sister tried to tell you,

every therapist you
fired tried to tell you.

It's time to let go of Erica's stuff.

She broke up with you on your birthday,

then hooked up with
your Pilates instructor.

In Erica's defense, she did say

she forgot it was my birthday.

Lizzy, enough already, get over her.

Oh, my God, thank you. "Get over her."

That is the best advice I've
heard since my dad told me,

"Just be straight."

You should know more than anyone

that this isn't easy... I loved her.

Lizzy, you poor thing.

- No.
- I'm so sorry.

Do you know what? I'm gonna
help you get over Erica.

There's a reason I came into your life.

Me meeting Luke, marrying
him, all my things arriving.

It's all part of your path.

There is a lot of
you on my "pahth."

I know... you got lucky.

And we are gonna get
through this together!

Ugh, okay, fine, I will
clean out the closet!

You guys were right.

You know, it's time that
I start to deal with...

See you later, suckers!

I know I was a tad bit resistant
to deal with the closet.

I had to chase you through a quincea?era

in a park, and you bit me.

You know what's crazy?

I don't remember any of that.

And I don't even know
why I avoided doing this.

Feels good to let this stuff go.

Prudence was right... say it.

I'm cleaning out the
closet, don't push me.

But this does feel good! Yeah!

- It's gonna feel even better when we set it on fire.
- Yes!

Oh, my God! Guess what
I just found in box 17.

Oh, thanks for labeling those, Lizzy.

Luke, did I ever tell you about the spring

when I was hospital puppeteer in Prague?

He doesn't even know your middle name.

I do, it's...

Mer... lizabeth?

You remembered!

Well, at the hospital,

I used to put on shows
for all the children.

Well, if it's anything like the show

you gave me last night,

those are some lucky, lucky kids.

Actually, they were quite sick.

But I always used to cheer them up with...

What...

Whoa!

Dr. Charlie and Miroslava!

These are like my little wooden babies.

Let me see if I can still do their voices.

Oh, this keeps getting better.

Well-done, Lizzy,

for washing that lesbian
right out of your hair.

Chin up, you'll meet someone someday.

Yeah, smile more maybe.

The puppets are probably very jetlagged.

Why don't we find them
a nice place to rest?

I'll find somewhere
really special to put them.

And an issue arises for you.

Ah... there's no issue.

Oh, so marionettes are not

the one thing in life that
freaks you out the most?

What? No, I mean, maybe
when we were, like, kids.

But also, last year,

I do recall a little peeing of the pants

when one scared you at the farmers market.

You don't expect it.

I was looking for a ripe
avocado, they should warn you...

puppet parade, Sundays at 2:00!

So you're not gonna be honest
with your wife about this?

No, because it's fine.

Lizzy, I've been thinking about it,

and you need to return Erica's
things to her in person.

Noo, n-n-no.

Baby, you weren't here
during the Erica years.

Lizzy is strong, but this
girl's like her kryptonite,

you know, if kryptonite had perky B-cups.

Yeah, but if she sticks with my plan,

she'll be done with Erica for good.

Here's what you do.

- Do you have a pen?
- No.

Okay, write this down.

You pick a neutral location,

somewhere you've never been together,

don't dress like a scarecrow,

and you tell her there's no room for her

in your closet or your life.

Then you get up and just walk away.

Lizzy, trust me.

My plan will finally give you closure.

If you won't hear it from
me, I'll get Miroslava.

No!

Lizzy, you can't see Erica.

You know what she does to you.

She plies you with
compliments, sucks you in,

you forget the fact that
she's a human bag of turds.

You're right, you're right.

And, Prudence, your
plan was kind of enticing

when it wasn't super insulting.

But Luke does know me better,
and I'm not going to see Erica.

'Cause that'd be really stupid.

So stupid.

Erica, hi.

Thank you for meeting me
at this neutral location.

This is where we first
said we loved each other.

Damn it!

I know that's just the air
conditioning making you move.

I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm
okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

So listen, Erica, here's the plan.

I got your stuff in my trunk
and I'm here to return it to you

because I am on a different "pahth."

Path. Path.

Honestly, I didn't hear
anything you just said.

Is it possible you got more beautiful?

I guess it is possible... heh.

But, no! No, no, no.

I know what you're doing and I'm not...

No, Missy.

Okay, I'm just saying,
you look... really good.

Do I look all right?

Yeah, you look good, you
look really, really good.

What are we doing?

Let's just go back to my place.

I got you that chardonnay you really like.

The one with the little pig
in the tuxedo on the label.

I do love black-tie pig.

But look...

I'm... I'm in a different place, okay?

Some big changes.

Turns out gluten wasn't the problem.

It was dairy.

And possibly a bigger headline

is that Luke and I are having a baby.

You're pregnant?

My biggest headline was
my new smoothie recipe.

Wow, a baby.

I'm happy for you.

That was always something we
talked about doing together.

Yeah, well, it's kinda
hard to do it together

when you're not together.

And I've moved on.

Then what are you doing here?

I...

- came to return your stuff.
- Ohh.

And tell you about the whole dairy thing.

And now I am...

standing up... and I am walking away.

Okay.

Good-bye.

What do you mean you saw Erica last night?

We said it would be stupid
to see her again, stupid!

I know!

But then I did and we got to talking,

and, you know, we're lesbians.

Even in a breakup, we're chatty.

But it wasn't a big deal.

Lizzy, I'm so proud of you!

You followed my plan and
now you've got closure.

Is that a bug bite on your neck?

No!

It's a hickey!

You made out with her?

Just a little, like you
do when you say good-bye.

What?

That was not part of my plan.

You see what happens when
you don't write things down?

So that's it?

She just walked you to your car,

you didn't make out a little
more and you didn't say,

"You smell good, you
smell really, really good."

I can't help it if she smells good!

Okay, but then after that,
did you at least, like,

give her her stuff back and walk
away with your head held high?

I mean, I don't know
if I would say that...

I knew I should've burned Erica's
stuff when I had the chance.

Lizzy has no backbone
when it comes to her.

Come on, yes, I do.

- When are you gonna see her again?
- Tonight.

She's coming over, I'm making her dinner.

Oh, that's gonna show her!

Oh, no, I think I may have
led her down the wrong path.

I haven't misjudged a situation this badly

since I let Kathy swim
in the ocean by herself.

And you know what?

I don't need your approval
or your permission, okay?

Erica's changed.

She was sweet and caring

and so supportive about the baby.

And she gave me a new smoothie recipe.

You might not need my approval,

but this is my house and
I don't want her in here.

This is our house and you
don't get to decide who's in my life!

Do you know what the
definition of insanity is?

I forget,

but I'm pretty sure it's
what you're doing right now.

Look, I was happy to avoid the closet.

You guys are the ones that wanted me

to deal with Erica's stuff.

And it's not like you don't
know anything about avoidance.

How you doing with those marionettes?

Do not avoid this
conversation about avoidance

by talking about my avoidance!

This is completely different,

and I'm dealing with the puppets!

By sneaking out of your bedroom and
sleeping on my floor in a fetal position?

"I'm okay, I'm okay." You are not okay!

Well, at least I'm not
getting played like a puppet,

and not a good one, 'cause
I see your lips movin'.

That's a ventriloquist, you dummy!

I'm not the dummy, you're the
one making the huge mistake.

But it's your life, and so when
she breaks your heart again,

do not come crying to me.

Well, don't come crying to me
when I don't come crying to you!

Great.

Right about now, the Lucifer of lesbians

is sitting in my living room,

worming her way back into
Lizzy's stupid, stupid life.

Look, man, you did what you could.

Let's look at the positives.

- You married a beautiful lady.
- Mm-hmm.

- You got another one pregnant.
- Yeah.

And you're the second-handsomest
man at this bowling alley.

Marcus, uh, let me ask you something.

Do you have any irrational fears?

Not really.

Just clowns, birds, nuns, rain, elves.

Nothin' to be ashamed
of. Why, what's going on?

Prudence has these marionettes, uh...

and they're freaky.

It's like they got something
going on behind the eyes.

You know what?

This is ridiculous,
I'm just gonna tell her.

- That you're scared of puppets?
- Yeah.

Yeah, sure, if you never
want to have sex again.

I do want to have sex again.

Then you are not scared of puppets.

You need to man up.

- Just never look those puppets in the eye.
- Yeah?

And tell that devil woman
she's not allowed in your house!

- Yeah!
- And then give your employee

the rest of the day off for
giving you such good advice!

Yeah!

I don't think so.

Well, this turned out great.

A romantic dinner with my sister

and her husband.

I'm sorry Erica stood you up.

- Can't say I didn't see this...
- Then don't.

Thanks for coming over.
Please eat everything.

The salad's delicious... I
candied the walnuts myself.

Erica's the worst.

She says "vahz" instead of vase.

Get a life.

I say "vahz."

Yeah, but I don't listen to you.

Anyway, I am loving this "tomahto" salad.

None of this would have happened
if it wasn't for Prudence.

Luke and I were perfectly
fine before she showed up.

We never fought, we never had conflict.

So you hate Prudence because she's
made your life more interesting.

No, because she's invaded
my life and wreaked havoc.

"Deal with the closet,

see your ex-girlfriend, get closure."

I mean, look at this place!

Okay, she should stop telling
me how to live my life

and deal with her own baggage, okay?

I mean, hello, where is my fire lane?!

How many cocks are in this box?!

That's a messed up guessing game.

14?

Lizzy!

I'm fine, I landed on bubble wrap.

Where's Erica?

I have a whole speech
ready, and it's in all caps.

Erica stood me up.

You were right... I
shouldn't have seen her.

And, of course, I got hurt.

It was a huge mistake.

I'm afraid this might
be a tiny bit my fault.

A tiny bit?

Because I followed your plan,

I got my heart broken

and I spent way too
much money on an outfit

that I'm probably gonna
bust out of in a week anyway.

And I should've listened
to you about Erica.

But don't worry, okay?

I won't come crying to you.

What if I just come to you?

Ohh...

I just feel so stupid.

But for a minute,

it felt nice to have
somebody to be with again.

You know, the way you
guys have each other.

And you guys, too.

- Love you, baby.
- Meh, it...

It's just... sometimes
it's hard to be alone.

Hey, you're not alone, you got me.

And me, too.

In a pinch.

I'll just stand over here.

Ohh, and I still have to
give her her stuff back.

I can think of something way
more satisfying to do with it.

I really thought you were gonna suggest

giving her stuff to the less fortunate.

Here's the visor Erica
bought me in Wine Country

that she said looked better on her.

I think it would look better on fire.

Erica used to call me a munchkin,

like that's a compliment
to an adult woman.

Let's these glasses without lenses

she wore like a whore.

Lizzy, I feel terribly.

I wish there was something I
could do to make it up to you.

I've always been a meddler.

My mother used to say,

"Stay out of it, Prudence Merlizabeth."

Well... this is the last of it.

Guess this is good-bye.

It doesn't have to be.

Holy crap, you're a quiet walker.

- Wait, is that my sweatshirt?
- Yeah.

You break her heart, we burn your stuff...

three years later, when
you least expect it.

Stay out of this, Luke,
it's none of your business.

Oh, this is totally my business.

She's my best friend...
you hurt her, you hurt me.

We're like one person with one heart...

two brains, four arms,

a penis, a vagina, and I
guess two sets of teeth.

Luke, I got this.

Good, 'cause it was getting away from me.

Look, Erica,

it was a bad idea to see you.

I should've stayed away.

And I don't know if I'd
say you're a bad person...

- She'll say it.
- You're a bad person.

It's just you don't do
a lot of good things.

I know.

But I'm in therapy now because of you.

And it's 100% out of pocket.

You did a million good things for me.

No, I didn't.

Like what?

You loved me when I didn't deserve it.

You saw my inner beauty,
past all my outer beauty.

Give me another chance.

I mean, if you still have feelings.

I mean, I don't know if...

- Oh, come on!
- Pull it together!

- I've moved on.
- Oh, yeah, with who?

With me.

- Wow.
- I knew it.

God, I miss college.

I just moved in, and we
are crazy about each other.

And we mouth kiss all the time.

And it feels right.

This... is my new type.

Well, then maybe you should know,
the other night, she kissed me.

How dare you?

I forgive you.

Okay.

Well, then.

I guess this is good-bye.

Yeah, it is.

And your smoothie recipe is way off!

Look at him sleeping, Dr. Charlie.

Let's slit his throat.

I got a knife from the kitchen.

Don't ask me how.

That's it, I'm done!

- What is it, darling?
- They're trying to kill me!

- Who?
- Dr. Charlie and Miroslava!

They got a whole plan!

You were having a nightmare.

Look, I was trying to man up,

But they scare the crap out of me
and I don't want them in my room.

Why didn't you just say
so in the first place?

Because I was afraid you
wouldn't be into me anymore,

You know, sexually and whatnot.

There's nothing more attractive than a man

who's not afraid to be vulnerable.

You like vulnerability?

I could cry while we do it.

Oh, I'll give something to cry about.

Uck, straight people.