On My Block (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Chapter Five - full transcript

[PANTING]

[ENGINE HUMMING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[CESAR] Please! You've
got the wrong guy!

You've got the wrong guy!

Look, you've got the wrong guy!

Please!

You've got the wrong guy.

You've got the wrong guy.

[PANTING]

- What...
- You think I wouldn't find out, fool?



Oh, I got ojos everywhere.

- Twenty-four-seven, 365.
- What are you talking about?

'Sup, bitch?

We know you kissed Olivia.
Why you got to do us like that, huh?

Hey, I... I...

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

- Why are you here?
- I just wanted to be included. Bitch!

- We can talk this out.
- It's too late for talking.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

I'm gonna give you a face for radio.
Mess him up.

No. No, no, no, no. [PANTING]

It was a mistake. I'm sorry!

No. No. No. No. No.



No!

[PANTING]

I got to get this on lockdown.

[JAMAL] What's up?

- You look fried.
- Couldn't sleep last night.

I'd seriously consider
Tempur-Pedic pillows. Changed my life.

Or are we talking non-pillow issues?

- Just some shit. It's nothing.
- Is it drugs? You slinging?

You stole a car?

Held up a liquor store?

- A drug store? A corner store?
- No store.

Home invasion? Assault?
Assault with a deadly weapon?

Oh, my God, they made you
kill someone, didn't they?

Shh.

I really hope it wasn't a white person.

I didn't kill anyone.

- I kissed Olivia.
- What?

- You kissed Olivia?
- Shh.

Why tell me that?
You know I can't keep a secret.

I call bullshit. You've kept
the football secret for months now.

Unless you all of a sudden developed
glaucoma or became a pirate.

That's not funny. Piracy's a problem.

And... And...
And I'm cool with my own secrets.

Other people's? I've
got nine hours tops.

And that's with perfect conditions.

If there are any extenuating
circumstances, all bets are off.

I can't be too hungry or too full
or too hot or too cold

or feel physically cornered.

And what about Olivia?
She lives with Ruby.

She could tell him at any moment.

Olivia's cool. She's tight-lipped.

- You boned?
- I'm talking about the lips on her face.

And we're in the middle of a heat wave.

- There's no way I can keep this in.
- Fine, I'll handle it.

What are you doing?

You don't deliver heartbreak via text!
You have to do it in person.

Ooh.

You'll thank me later.

[MONSE] Hey.

Wow. You look... not good.

I'm sorry. I take full responsibility. I
shouldn't have blown you up every night.

And I promise I'll stop talking about
the woman who may be my mom.

Oh, did I tell you? I found her
on Facebook, but her account's private.

I haven't friended her yet,
but I Googled her. She's an author.

Do you think that's a sign
or just a coincidence?

I don't know, but listen,
something's been weighing on me.

I know.

- You do?
- Yeah.

And I'm in. I'm ready to take things
to the next level with us.

I can't keep our sitch a secret.
It's eating me up.

I feel you.

We have to figure out a way to tell
the guys so they won't get pissed.

- Hey.
- What's up?

Nothing. Nothing's up.

- Can I borrow Monse for a sec?
- No!

No need to borrow her. She's all yours.

- Everything cool?
- No!

- We good?
- I've been played.

Jasmine suckered Olivia
into hanging out

after school and Olivia
just suckered me.

Can you believe that?
I got double suckered.

That sucks.

[WATCH BEEPS]

What the hell, man?
You can't roll up on me like that.

I'm letting you borrow my watch.

It's synced with my phone timer.
Tick-tock!

The time is ticking, so you better
start talking. He's coming this way.

What's up?

Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

- So, Olivia...
- No!

- No?
- I'm done talking about her.

I'm over getting rejected.
It's called self-respect.

So, from now on,
I'm only into girls who are into me.

Hey!

And who don't scare me.

Between us,
I'm actually not even into girls.

I mean... right now.

I'm tired of being one-note.

I gotta give this whole
"all about a girl" thing a break

and focus on being a titan of industry

so that when I'm ready to be
all about a girl again,

I have the appropriate capital.

- And I have an idea for a business.
- What's the idea?

It's huge. I mean, so huge
that I can't talk about it here.

Don't want to get Winklevoss-ed.

Okay, fine, here's the
idea: it's an app.

Online Live Interactive
Video Integration Application.

That's all I can say for now.

Jamal, come over after school.

Cesar, no offense, but this
doesn't fall into your skill set.

- I have an A minus in computer science.
- Exactly. And I have an A.

My job is done. He's over her.

He's over her?
Then what is this acronym for?

Olivia. Damn, he's not over her.

No shit, Cholock!

And now I'm supposed to go over
to his house after school!

- I can't be alone with him.
- You won't be alone.

I'll tell him about the kiss
before you get there.

- Then why do need to show?
- I need you for post-convo damage control.

You're right.
I'm better with Ruby when he cries.

But you have to promise
you're gonna get there first.

Nothing can stop me.

Go whack out those tags.
Keep your head

on a swivel. Prophets
have been trolling.

Yeah, cool. I just got to stop
by Ruby's first and sort some shit out.

Or I'll knock this out first.

[WATCH BEEPS]

Jamal! Could you put your phone down
for two minutes?

I'm talking
about a billion-dollar idea here.

I'm texting Cesar.
He should be here by now.

- Damn it. He doesn't have a phone.
- Did you invite Cesar?

- No. You did.
- No...

I was pretty explicit in my directive.
I said, "Jamal, come over after school."

Not Jamal and Cesar.

In fact, I'm pretty clear I told Cesar
this didn't fall in his skill set.

I didn't hear you say that.

Cesar, no offense, but this
doesn't fall into your skill set.

Why are you recording our conversations?

For any future litigation.
We have to be prepared to defend our IP.

I don't think that's legal.

You have to have two-party consent
to record conversations.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Great. Just got your consent.

I didn't say you could do that.

[JASMINE] Oh. Yes!

Yo, what size are you?

Oh, honey, no.

Well, excuse me for touching
the cherished chonies.

I think it's pretty normal for people to
not want you to touch their underwear.

Well, not if you're besties.

Monse, I thought this bitch
was really gonna cramp our style,

but Jasmonsolivia has
a really nice ring to it, doesn't it?

I take no responsibility for this.
You were properly warned weeks ago.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

[JASMINE BREATHING HEAVILY] Mira, mira!

[EXHALES]

Yes, right?

It's good, right?

[OLIVIA] Yas, kween.

- Your body, your choice.
- I think it might be a little tight.

Monse, you are last person
who should be giving out fashion advice.

I mean, look at you...
in that doo-doo outfit.

Girl, why you trying
to be comfortable all the time?

Sometimes it's okay
to leave your dignity at home.

Pop them titties. Pop them titties.
Pop, pop, pop them titties.

So, Olivia, how's living with Ruby?
He take a lot of showers?

Follow my lead.

Oh, yeah, Ruby loves to get sudsy.

Nice. Because you got to get clean
before you get dirty. Mmm.

So, tell me, does he ever
loofah your choofa?

Or teeter-totter your tatas? Huh?

No. But let's just say a shower cap

isn't only for the hair on top,
if you know what I mean.

Ugh, I can't wait
to show him my shower curtains.

[GRUNTS] What else does he like?

Um...

You've been asking
a lot of questions about Ruby.

It almost seems like you're more
interested in gathering intel on him

than hanging out with us.

No. I mean...

Well, I mean,
I am interested in Ruby, but...

So, you admit it.
He's the only reason why you're here.

No! I like you guys too.

Sometimes. Yeah.

Olivia, wasn't it
Jasmine's idea to hang out?

And wasn't it Jasmine
who suggested we come to your house,

which happens to be where Ruby showers?

Convenient.

And hurtful.

I really don't like being used.

I think it would just be better
if you gave us our space.

Guys, I am not using you.

Agh. But... I can see
how bad this looks, so I'm gonna go.

No, you don't need to leave. Just stand
in the hall and reflect on your actions.

Are you su...

I'll just...

- You're good.
- Don't touch a bitch's chonies.

I feel like my brain got dry humped.

One sec.

Ah!

[GRUNTS]

- That's 15 more minutes.
- I deserve 20.

[OLIVIA] Hmm?

[GRUNTS]

I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm scared for Ruby.

Ruby would appreciate that. And a handy.

No pressure, but if you ever find
yourself with time on your hands...

Ah... Moving on.

Okay, so if not Ruby,
then who would you be into?

I don't know. What about you?

No one.

I don't believe that.

Well, maybe there's one guy.

[WATCH BEEPS]

- Yo. Yo, hey, come here.
- Yo, dog.

Get him!

Get your ass over here. Get back here.

Get him!

[MAN] Yo!

This is a business meeting

and I'm starting to feel that you
don't have the mettle to be COO.

I'm starting to feel
like you should be in an alleyway

hosting a tea party for stray cats.

- What?
- You're going crazy!

And there is no app.
And since there's no app, I'm out.

There is an app.

Tell me the name again.

Online Live Interactive
Video Integration Application.

What are the odds?

You're in deep. Deeper than I thought.

I am. I'm drowning.
I don't know what to do.

Do I give up? Do I try harder?

Jamal, be my compass.

Steer me in the right direction.

Do you know anything
that could help me Oliviate... Agh!

I mean, alleviate this obsession?

Jasmine! Come!

I can't. I'm on blast.

I was kicking it with my bitches
when those bitches kicked me out.

I guess I was all about the D.

Oh, interesting. Ruby's having
a similar problem. Sans the D.

He's making everything about a girl.
I'll leave you two to discuss.

[JAMAL] Screw this.

Cesar's not here. I'm out of here.
I don't need this.

[GASPS]

Someone shot one of the homies.

Have you seen Cesar?
He ain't answering his phone.

His phone ain't working.

Not that anyone broke it or anything.
It just died...

of natural causes.

If you see him,
tell him I'm looking for him.

Yes, sir.

[POLICE SIREN BLARING]

I'm still going.

I just wanted
to give Oscar some lead time.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

One-time!

[SCREAMS]

[MAN] This is L.A.P.D.
This block is on lockdown.

For your safety,
remain inside until further advised.

[WATCH BEEPS]

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

[POLICE SIREN BLARING]

[RUBY] What?

I said, I can't believe we're stuck
in the house with Oscar.

- [LAUGHS]
- [CELL PHONE RINGS]

Ma! Yeah, I'm safe.

No, I'm inside.

I'm not gonna starve.

We can make do.

[OSCAR SIGHS]

Can I get you anything?
Water? Coffee? Tea?

Personal space.

Seriously.

Yo, why you so close to me?
There's like five other seats.

I wanted to ask you something...
if that's okay.

But if it's not okay, I don't need to
ask, even though I'm dying to know.

But I don't need to die.
Not that you'd kill me, but you could.

If I say yes, will you shut up?

Do you know who Lil' Ricky is?

Which Lil' Ricky? You talking about
Baby Ricky's daddy or Tiny Ricky's son?

Ricardo Galindo.

[LAUGHS]

Ah, Lil' Ricky.

What you want with Lil' Ricky?
He's the original veterano.

The OV.

- It doesn't work that way.
- My bad.

Is there anything you could tell me?

Do I scare you?

Yeah.

- Well, he scares me.
- Okay, bye.

My parents are stuck, which sucks
'cause they were on a Costco run.

- There's no snacks in the house.
- But... if I don't have snacks...

- Tell me you have snacks in your purse.
- Boo, you know I do.

It's egg salad, but... it's warm.

I'll take it.

[RUBY] Aw.

Why are you eating that?

For the greater good.

Is that the sandwich?

No, it's me.

I got the egg booty coughs.

- Oh, I swear to God, if you don't go away!
- Okay.

She went into my room, didn't she?

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

Where can I take this?

There's no one in the bathroom.

¿Qué onda?

[WATCH BEEPS]

[MAN] Freeze. Put your hands up.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

Okay, so you've been smashual
with this dude since summer

and now you want to go legit?

Go legit. What's the worst
that can happen?

The guys could stop talking to me,
and our dynamic could change.

We've been super tight
since fourth grade.

You're telling me none of them
have ever had a girlfriend?

Cesar's never had a girlfriend?

Maybe once in sixth grade,
but since then...

I don't know, he doesn't talk
about that stuff with me.

What about Ruby?
What if Ruby got a girlfriend?

Yes! God, yes.
He'd probably unclench a little.

Maybe that's what they say about you.

You implying I'm uptight?

No, but you just tend to overthink.

'Cause I don't have anyone
to talk this guy stuff out with!

- All my friends are dudes.
- And it's just you and your dad, right?

Yeah.

Where is your mom?

Don't know.

She left when I was little.

This is now becoming a sad-fest, so...

- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.

It's just kind of complicated right now
in the mom front,

which probably explains why I haven't
ever rolled easy with the girls.

What are you talking about?
You're totally a girl's girl.

Okay, you're 5150,

'cause I'm pretty sure being
a girl's girl means having girlfriends.

- I've never had a real girlfriend before.
- Until now.

So, as your real girlfriend,

I think you need to stop worrying
about what the guys will or won't say

and don't be afraid
to bring this mystery dude around

and introduce him to the crew.

- Or do they already know him?
- They don't!

But if they did,

do you think that they'd care that I
kept our sitch a secret for so long?

- So, they do know him?
- No! No, no. No.

That's not what I meant.

Okay, I'm done sitting on the hot seat.
Your turn. You feeling anyone at school?

[SIGHS]

- I don't kiss and tell.
- You kissed someone?

There's a lockdown outside.

We know. We can hear.

Okay. Cool.

And also, if you're hungry,
there aren't any snacks.

Got it.

And also, you may want to fill up
on liquids since there's no food,

but Oscar's taken over
the bathroom and I

don't think he's coming
out anytime soon

so you may want to dehydrate yourselves.

Why is Cesar's brother here?

Olivia, Cesar.

I don't know anything about Cesar,
Olivia. Is it crazy hot in here?

Yeah, we're in the middle of a
heat wave. Jamal, go get some ice.

- So, who'd you kiss?
- Hey!

Let's play a game.

[JAMAL PANTING]

You can't turn the A/C up that high.
You're gonna blow the power.

I need to regulate my body temperature.

I have to pee so bad.
And I'm sprouting major turtle-head.

Will someone tell Oscar
to get out of the bathroom?

Go ahead.

I'll hold it.

What kind of games you wanna play?
You guys feeling words, pictures, cards?

How about a game that reveals
your innermost feelings and secrets?

Or... KerPlunk?

How about Smash, Marry, Kill?

[ALL] Jamal!

[JASMINE SIGHS]

I think that was a sign
that we shouldn't play this game.

- Can I talk to you in the kitchen?
- No, thanks.

Jamal, if you come to the kitchen,

- I'll show you where the snacks are.
- Coming.

- Where are the snacks?
- There are no snacks.

God damn it. Do you know
how messed up that is?

Space. Space. I need space.
I can't be cornered like this.

Hold on, I'm trying to
tell you something.

And I'm trying not to
tell you something.

You're not making any sense.

- You don't want me to.
- Look.

I'm just trying to say thanks.

You got Olivia out of her room
to play a game with me.

I appreciate you
for being such a good friend.

Yeah. Hold on to that.

[LIQUID TRICKLING]

Is it raining?

It's not rain.

What? Who knows how long
this is gonna take!

- It could be all night.
- All night?

Son, you're in deep. Real deep.

- I had no choice.
- There's always a choice.

Who are you protecting?

'Cause I'll be honest with you,
your story doesn't make sense.

I'm telling the truth.

I want to believe you,
but I don't think you're that dumb.

Are you that dumb?

Why wouldn't Olivia tell Monse?

Because Olivia said
that she keeps things private.

You don't understand
anything about girls, do you?

They don't even need
to know each other to talk about it.

It's like they're transmitting this shit
telepathically all the time.

- They are?
- It's like VagiFi.

My ex-wife used to sync up
with my daughter.

It's like their thoughts
would exchange automatically.

I would come home,
my shit would be done.

Your friend Jamal is not the wild card.

It's Olivia.

Can I use your phone?

No. You don't do this over the phone.

You lose the tone when
you use the phone.

We got to get you there.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[POLICE SIREN BLARES]

Go, Ruby! We don't have all day.

Actually, we do. We're locked in.

I'm a gentleman, I make love.
I don't smash.

Well then you're not doing it right,

'cause if you want a girl to bow,
then you got to plow. Right, Olivia?

Anyways, Make love, Marry, Kill.

Maybe we should ixnay the urdermay.

We don't wanna poke
the bear in the bathroom.

No more rewrites, Jamal. I'll go first.
I'd kill Jasmine.

- I deserve that.
- I'd make love to Ruby.

That's really considerate,
just as I would be as a lover.

- And then I'd marry Jamal.
- Seriously?

Why not make love to me and marry Ruby?

- We're married. We're having sex.
- What about the marital death bed?

Fine. I'm changing my answer.

I'd make love to Jamal and marry Ruby.
Happy?

I am. Because even though we're married,
we're having sex, and a lot of it.

She made me get clipped.

[OSCAR LAUGHS]

Uh...

You want to play?

Okay.

I'd kill you.

I'd kill you.

I'd smash you.

I'd smash you.

Fine. I'd smash you too.

Then I'd kill you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Let's keep playing.

♪ You better run... ♪

I'd marry Olivia.

Monse, you can be my side piece.
And I'd kill Jasmine.

- All right, now it's starting to hurt.
- Okay, my turn.

I'd make love to Monse.

Excuse me. Can you say that slower?

I'd make love to Monse.

[SIGHS]

I'd marry Ruby.

- And I'd kill Jasmine.
- All y'all can suck a bag of buttholes.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Did you hear?
That's the sign I've been looking for.

- A bag of buttholes?
- No, Olivia said she'd marry me.

Is it an open marriage?

[POLICE SIREN BLARES]

I hate to break it to you,
you're not my type.

Damn. There goes
my whole experimental phase.

Lasted all of two minutes.

[CHUCKLES]

But don't worry, I'm not crushed...
unless you kiss like Cesar.

You kissed Cesar?

On Halloween. But don't tell anyone,
I don't want things to get weird.

You kissed Olivia?

Damn.

♪ Young boy ♪

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

[GASPS] It wasn't me!

♪ Trying to rule the world, I see ♪

♪ Well, I'll tell the truth ♪

♪ I promise you ♪

♪ This world may frown upon
The things I have you do ♪

♪ But I got taste ♪

♪ And I got style ♪

♪ I know the twist and turns
To make your life worth while ♪

♪ My brother, you could probably win
In a shit-talking competition ♪

♪ My composition's the opposition
Of all the shit that ♪

♪ Got me wishing to spit tragic
The shit that get ♪

♪ You deal crack
And you spend cash on cement asses ♪

♪ My heart burns in the fire of truth ♪

♪ Got the heat of seven suns
In the meteor treatment needed ♪

♪ More brothers burn on WorldStar
Than 1792 ♪

♪ Won't act like I'm any better
You are me, I am you ♪

♪ We are hate, we are love
As below, so above ♪

♪ We got poison everywhere
So what's a war on a drug? ♪

♪ We at war with ourselves
Talking war with no guns ♪

♪ So if you had to meet yourself
Would you go do it or run? ♪

♪ Run from the devil ♪