Oliver Beene (2003–2004): Season 1, Episode 1 - A Day at the Beach - full transcript
ah the winters of my youth . the sledding the skating
the snowballs
you know what winter sucked let's talk about summer
ah summer
that's my brother Ted
a jerk no matter what the season
it never failed
whenever I was humiliated Bonnie my dream girl seemed to appear out of nowhere
oh hi Bonnie . Oliver
uh creamsicle excellent choice
so I guess I'll be seeing you around the ice cream truck all summer . No
starting tomorrow my family spending every day at the Capri Beach Club . what about you
uh my family summers at the...
the Terrace Club . the terrace flood aka the cramped balcony of our Queens apartment
here comes the meat . welcome to paradise
dad was the chef so mom looked out the portable TV the Philco featherweight
??? inside ???? here
we have got to get an air conditioner . oh right away mrs. Van der Bilt
Hey look at this
my head fits in the cooler . we cannot spend one more summer cook duck here on this stinking ledge
i think its stuck . what are you talking about
we've got fine food hopping outdoor entertainment what could be better than this
the beach club . the Capri that's where Bonnie goes dad's gotta say yes
no for what we need that for
how about to meet new people to change of scenery
fun for fresh ocean air
forget it too expensive . besides we've got our own little slice of heaven right here
hey Ted this is for the snow cone
all right maybe we can go to the beach
[Music]
it's a fine art sculpting your body for the beach
you don't want to get too muscular
well . my best friend Joyce . i think you look great
thanks . thats why iam concerned the paler the dulier the better . my exbest friend Joyce
the beach club meant only one thing to Ted
Ted scoring with older girls
thanks baby i know you like
oh yeah just let them breathe
Ted wasn't the only one trying to improve himself socially
this record wiil you enable to you to become a master at colorfull conversation
you and you partner will soon become considered the most fascinated people ????.
quick turn on Carson that's two guys on he's got red ass baboons
psch psch I wana both to listen to this record .the Capri Beach Club they won't just let anyone in we have to be approved
woman laugh is key to her charm try it yourself
listen you to Bill and Martha as they inspire us with their sparkling and spirited speech
do you think we will ever land on the moon Bill?
oh yes Martha and there I think we will find a fairyland of wonder
fairyland you say . a magnificent ??? and dangerous mountains and acient ???
don't touch that dial
we know what my social life is now . the laundry room and the elevator . i want more
the people at the beach club Jerry they've been places they've done things
I want that . I want to fit in
Charlotte you'll fit right in . you're a fascinating conversation
I'm so glad to hear you say that because what I really want to
the fake day arrived and the Capri was everything mom dreamed of
big fancy cars crystal-clear water
but most of all fun people
it was also everything dad feared
my father hated tiping . Jerry
oh hey here buddy let me take care of you . watch closely this move is known as the pet
the object is to keep patting until the tippy feel self-conscious and slinks off
but this guy didn't get to be junior assistant towel boy by backing down from anyone
all right fine here here take it take it . damn you're good
all right children you may go run and play now
if you embarrass me I'll make your life a living hell
I was on a mission to find Bonnie .
Ted was on a mission to find anyone with boobs
well almost anyone
don't you see Nancy's awful bathing suit .
oh did I but he's wearing stripes this year
excuse me
what are you doing?
my bathing suits out of style that alone could get us blackballed
hi are you the Beenes
yes . yes we are
I'm Cynthia Voigt and this is my husband Bernard . we're from the Membership Committee
what the hell is that
don't worry it sounds more intimidating than it really is
we're we're just here to observe and judge your every move
just kidding . but we are
say how about get us all some drinks . but you'll already have drinks
not anymore
geez what a couple of juice bumps . Jerry they have the power to get us in
look if you do it by . what Charlotte would you give me a little credit
you're right I'm sorry . that's okay
now I gotta take a whiz
yep we're as good as in
I'll be honest I'm not a beach person I tend to burn very quickly
thats wonderfull
I'm too a little young to be in college
okay you caught me
they let me any girl he cuz I'm so brainy .
but enough about me let's talk about you
smooth . Ted knew you had to romance a girl
your hair it's like golden strands of silk
oh come on
and your eyes like turquoise pools
wow you're so sweet
and your boobies are ginormous
Oh fumble on the 3-yard line
turquoise pools stupid . nice going kids . excuse me?
but you don't know about women
please I know plenty about women
okay what don't I know . I really don't have time now and bussy smoking
oh come on you look like the kind of woman that's ???
been around the block I have not my
oh who iam kidding . just pull up a chair and I'll give you free pointers
Charlotte aren't your them hot in that room
oh no it just looks unbearable
I'm cool as a cucumber
mmm
so Bernard what do you do
I'm an accountant . and a pretty darn good one just ask anyone here I do all their taxes
over there is Fred Miller . everybody uses him when they need a good lawyer
or if you need a great neurosurgeon Ed Phelps is your guy
fast Eddie
really
my father the dentist he was always looking for new patients especially rich ones
so uh ? Club dentist huh
oh sure . oh . that's jebediah McCabe
so you see Jerry here at the club we kind of like to take care of each other
whoops looks like we're a little low on rocket fuel . rocket fuel yeah sure
funny . i help you carry em . carry en
priceless
cover up woman are you nuts
you want to see your stripes fashio fopa . since when do you care
would you listening this place is gold mine . once Jebediah is Jebedeath
il be the club dentist . ??? dolars pouring on my ???
i still hadn't found Bonnie and with hundreds of people here how is that going to
oh . oh of course by humiliating myself
hi Bonnie . Oliver what are you doing here
Oh my family is considering joining . really
really hey if we joined here I'd see you every day
that was a test her response would say volumes
there is Steve . hi Bonnie . hi Steve
Steve is my swim relay partner
oh no au
hello Steve . Hey . so Bonnie I can't be in the race today they won't let me in the pool
why not . it's so stupid so worried about this mysterious rash covering half my body
uuh . sorry Bonnie
like we do . we ounce pair up
an opportunity like this happens maybe once in a lifetime so I had to grab it . I can be your partner
you ? why not me
okay se you in pool too . well for one thing because I can't swim
my whole life I've been terrified of the water
well I had about 90 minutes to get over it
iam doing it iam doing it . no your not
your ???
looks like I wasn't the only one in way over my way
I guess Johnny Carson's coffee mug wants to look like some kind of baboon toilet because
Oh Jerry Jerry they don't want to hear about that
sure we do toilets hilarious
the Sun was beating down and mom was slamming him back trying to keep up with the oils
the next thing you know just baboon . did you say the moon Gerald
not only that but mom's brain was turning to goo under that Indian sweat lodge of a robe
it's interesting that you should mention the moon Gerald
I think that one day we will walk on moon and there I believe we'll find
vast lunar mountains magnificent oceans and cavernous craters
so you see the brain is actually the largest sexual organ in the human body
really . be a doll and do my back
okie-dokie
it's all about sensuality kid
it's not the unspoken subtext between a man and a woman
oh that's good . it's about two people who both know what the score is
Oh baby
mrs. Darcelle . yeah . know what I want right now more than anything in the world . say it Ted say it so I don't have to
cheesburger
excuse me sir how do you swim . I was getting a tad desperate . you men swimming any tips
exuse me sir how are you doing that
i get it is like this . who was I kidding I couldn't learn how to swim in 45 minutes
oh well what's the worst that could happen
hey Lark this big strong girl saving this pathetic little boy's life
what was I thinking . I had to hide . but where
of course the game room
close door you let in sun
you know when you lift up a big rock and underneath there are dozens of weird pale bugs squirming about
well that's who these guys were . ??? iam Oliver
he's one of us
can i freshen it up for you mr. boy . no no I've reached my limit
that's scotch why don't you bring me a bowl of Olives soup what about you Jerry
what you mean gin huh no I'm afraid I don't have your tolerance Bernard
there's an understatement dad was a lightweight especially when it came to Gin
gin last time he had a martini he spent the entire next day in the can
cofee cofee
Oh Sharon Sharon there's someone I'd like you to meet
dr. Jerry beene he's a wonderful dentist
oh that's good to know dr. McCabe has only open one day a week now
okay I'm open when your mouth is open . really?
excuse us Jerry Sharon and I are having an affair
just kidding but we are
hey honey I gotta hand it to you . I did not want to come here but I am having a great time
they hate me Jerry . what no they don't . oh yeah they do hey
we don't get into this club it'll because of me
I just really wanted them to like me
Charlotte that's ridiculous
you are Capri Beach Club people
so be what are you running from
what makes you think I'm running from something . come on we all run from something
yeah you're right you're supposed to be in a swim race . and let me guess you can't swim
and I'll bet dollars the donors that there's a dame involved
her name's Bonnie . Bonnie Smith . yeah that's a dame . why was I talking like that
ba forget her we don't need her we've got everything we need here
we've got not cocky Parcheesi . hey and we even got those little rubber bands for your braces
at that moment I had a decision to make
I could hide in here with these guys in my future would look something like this
Oliver i get ??? autogram
no I wasn't going to hide in this hole like some frightened ferret I was going to swim
or drown . the point is I was going to try
boys I got a relay race to swim
you'll come back they all come back . don't feel too bad for Billy
his whole name is Billy Gates and I think he did okay
would you like the extended service plan with that
oh he wasn't that Bill Gates but hey RadioShack was a good match for him
so what do we think of the Beenes . mm-hmm
Jerry's a good man top shell
the wife's a pill . true
and what's with that rope where's your prizefighter
oh let's face it they're just not a good fit here
well shall we go tell them . yes I guess we should get it over with
I think I saw her on the veranda
at that moment my father realized that mom would find out she was not the capri beach club person
unless he acted and acted fast . yes sir gin
well here we are my cabana really nice ???
its small place you should another bring my cheeseburger here
oh they figure it out . wow i love this things
hey why does the less commotion naked ? take me Ted . take you where
Ted thought he wanted to get to second base but now we just wanted to go home
damn why'd I spend all that time working out . muscle sinks fat floats curse these rock-hard ABS
Oliver you're up first
what strategies is it . Oh a little something I like to call the drown stroke . ????
its sets
we were all rushing inexorably towards a horrible fate when suddenly
hey everybody over here
spoil
dad holly ???
Jerry . now mom wouldn't have to blame herself we're not getting into the club
she think it had a little more to do with
look at craters on the moon
that magnificent bastard that saved us all
Charlotte . not now Jerry
I just have to say
you'll never know how much I really love you
I really was useful
no more ???. and as far as what really happened that day at the beach club
she never did
[Music]
cofee
[Music]
on American Idol the best of the best have been chosen
and that countdown to stardom begins
the competition kicks in tonight's . Fox Tuesday we're taking it to the next level
when the final twelve compete for the first time in front of a live audience
this is really ??? . but for one this night will be their last
the nice part of this competition is over
dont missed the final 12 . a two-hour live event American Idol starting at 8.7 central on Fox Tuesday
the snowballs
you know what winter sucked let's talk about summer
ah summer
that's my brother Ted
a jerk no matter what the season
it never failed
whenever I was humiliated Bonnie my dream girl seemed to appear out of nowhere
oh hi Bonnie . Oliver
uh creamsicle excellent choice
so I guess I'll be seeing you around the ice cream truck all summer . No
starting tomorrow my family spending every day at the Capri Beach Club . what about you
uh my family summers at the...
the Terrace Club . the terrace flood aka the cramped balcony of our Queens apartment
here comes the meat . welcome to paradise
dad was the chef so mom looked out the portable TV the Philco featherweight
??? inside ???? here
we have got to get an air conditioner . oh right away mrs. Van der Bilt
Hey look at this
my head fits in the cooler . we cannot spend one more summer cook duck here on this stinking ledge
i think its stuck . what are you talking about
we've got fine food hopping outdoor entertainment what could be better than this
the beach club . the Capri that's where Bonnie goes dad's gotta say yes
no for what we need that for
how about to meet new people to change of scenery
fun for fresh ocean air
forget it too expensive . besides we've got our own little slice of heaven right here
hey Ted this is for the snow cone
all right maybe we can go to the beach
[Music]
it's a fine art sculpting your body for the beach
you don't want to get too muscular
well . my best friend Joyce . i think you look great
thanks . thats why iam concerned the paler the dulier the better . my exbest friend Joyce
the beach club meant only one thing to Ted
Ted scoring with older girls
thanks baby i know you like
oh yeah just let them breathe
Ted wasn't the only one trying to improve himself socially
this record wiil you enable to you to become a master at colorfull conversation
you and you partner will soon become considered the most fascinated people ????.
quick turn on Carson that's two guys on he's got red ass baboons
psch psch I wana both to listen to this record .the Capri Beach Club they won't just let anyone in we have to be approved
woman laugh is key to her charm try it yourself
listen you to Bill and Martha as they inspire us with their sparkling and spirited speech
do you think we will ever land on the moon Bill?
oh yes Martha and there I think we will find a fairyland of wonder
fairyland you say . a magnificent ??? and dangerous mountains and acient ???
don't touch that dial
we know what my social life is now . the laundry room and the elevator . i want more
the people at the beach club Jerry they've been places they've done things
I want that . I want to fit in
Charlotte you'll fit right in . you're a fascinating conversation
I'm so glad to hear you say that because what I really want to
the fake day arrived and the Capri was everything mom dreamed of
big fancy cars crystal-clear water
but most of all fun people
it was also everything dad feared
my father hated tiping . Jerry
oh hey here buddy let me take care of you . watch closely this move is known as the pet
the object is to keep patting until the tippy feel self-conscious and slinks off
but this guy didn't get to be junior assistant towel boy by backing down from anyone
all right fine here here take it take it . damn you're good
all right children you may go run and play now
if you embarrass me I'll make your life a living hell
I was on a mission to find Bonnie .
Ted was on a mission to find anyone with boobs
well almost anyone
don't you see Nancy's awful bathing suit .
oh did I but he's wearing stripes this year
excuse me
what are you doing?
my bathing suits out of style that alone could get us blackballed
hi are you the Beenes
yes . yes we are
I'm Cynthia Voigt and this is my husband Bernard . we're from the Membership Committee
what the hell is that
don't worry it sounds more intimidating than it really is
we're we're just here to observe and judge your every move
just kidding . but we are
say how about get us all some drinks . but you'll already have drinks
not anymore
geez what a couple of juice bumps . Jerry they have the power to get us in
look if you do it by . what Charlotte would you give me a little credit
you're right I'm sorry . that's okay
now I gotta take a whiz
yep we're as good as in
I'll be honest I'm not a beach person I tend to burn very quickly
thats wonderfull
I'm too a little young to be in college
okay you caught me
they let me any girl he cuz I'm so brainy .
but enough about me let's talk about you
smooth . Ted knew you had to romance a girl
your hair it's like golden strands of silk
oh come on
and your eyes like turquoise pools
wow you're so sweet
and your boobies are ginormous
Oh fumble on the 3-yard line
turquoise pools stupid . nice going kids . excuse me?
but you don't know about women
please I know plenty about women
okay what don't I know . I really don't have time now and bussy smoking
oh come on you look like the kind of woman that's ???
been around the block I have not my
oh who iam kidding . just pull up a chair and I'll give you free pointers
Charlotte aren't your them hot in that room
oh no it just looks unbearable
I'm cool as a cucumber
mmm
so Bernard what do you do
I'm an accountant . and a pretty darn good one just ask anyone here I do all their taxes
over there is Fred Miller . everybody uses him when they need a good lawyer
or if you need a great neurosurgeon Ed Phelps is your guy
fast Eddie
really
my father the dentist he was always looking for new patients especially rich ones
so uh ? Club dentist huh
oh sure . oh . that's jebediah McCabe
so you see Jerry here at the club we kind of like to take care of each other
whoops looks like we're a little low on rocket fuel . rocket fuel yeah sure
funny . i help you carry em . carry en
priceless
cover up woman are you nuts
you want to see your stripes fashio fopa . since when do you care
would you listening this place is gold mine . once Jebediah is Jebedeath
il be the club dentist . ??? dolars pouring on my ???
i still hadn't found Bonnie and with hundreds of people here how is that going to
oh . oh of course by humiliating myself
hi Bonnie . Oliver what are you doing here
Oh my family is considering joining . really
really hey if we joined here I'd see you every day
that was a test her response would say volumes
there is Steve . hi Bonnie . hi Steve
Steve is my swim relay partner
oh no au
hello Steve . Hey . so Bonnie I can't be in the race today they won't let me in the pool
why not . it's so stupid so worried about this mysterious rash covering half my body
uuh . sorry Bonnie
like we do . we ounce pair up
an opportunity like this happens maybe once in a lifetime so I had to grab it . I can be your partner
you ? why not me
okay se you in pool too . well for one thing because I can't swim
my whole life I've been terrified of the water
well I had about 90 minutes to get over it
iam doing it iam doing it . no your not
your ???
looks like I wasn't the only one in way over my way
I guess Johnny Carson's coffee mug wants to look like some kind of baboon toilet because
Oh Jerry Jerry they don't want to hear about that
sure we do toilets hilarious
the Sun was beating down and mom was slamming him back trying to keep up with the oils
the next thing you know just baboon . did you say the moon Gerald
not only that but mom's brain was turning to goo under that Indian sweat lodge of a robe
it's interesting that you should mention the moon Gerald
I think that one day we will walk on moon and there I believe we'll find
vast lunar mountains magnificent oceans and cavernous craters
so you see the brain is actually the largest sexual organ in the human body
really . be a doll and do my back
okie-dokie
it's all about sensuality kid
it's not the unspoken subtext between a man and a woman
oh that's good . it's about two people who both know what the score is
Oh baby
mrs. Darcelle . yeah . know what I want right now more than anything in the world . say it Ted say it so I don't have to
cheesburger
excuse me sir how do you swim . I was getting a tad desperate . you men swimming any tips
exuse me sir how are you doing that
i get it is like this . who was I kidding I couldn't learn how to swim in 45 minutes
oh well what's the worst that could happen
hey Lark this big strong girl saving this pathetic little boy's life
what was I thinking . I had to hide . but where
of course the game room
close door you let in sun
you know when you lift up a big rock and underneath there are dozens of weird pale bugs squirming about
well that's who these guys were . ??? iam Oliver
he's one of us
can i freshen it up for you mr. boy . no no I've reached my limit
that's scotch why don't you bring me a bowl of Olives soup what about you Jerry
what you mean gin huh no I'm afraid I don't have your tolerance Bernard
there's an understatement dad was a lightweight especially when it came to Gin
gin last time he had a martini he spent the entire next day in the can
cofee cofee
Oh Sharon Sharon there's someone I'd like you to meet
dr. Jerry beene he's a wonderful dentist
oh that's good to know dr. McCabe has only open one day a week now
okay I'm open when your mouth is open . really?
excuse us Jerry Sharon and I are having an affair
just kidding but we are
hey honey I gotta hand it to you . I did not want to come here but I am having a great time
they hate me Jerry . what no they don't . oh yeah they do hey
we don't get into this club it'll because of me
I just really wanted them to like me
Charlotte that's ridiculous
you are Capri Beach Club people
so be what are you running from
what makes you think I'm running from something . come on we all run from something
yeah you're right you're supposed to be in a swim race . and let me guess you can't swim
and I'll bet dollars the donors that there's a dame involved
her name's Bonnie . Bonnie Smith . yeah that's a dame . why was I talking like that
ba forget her we don't need her we've got everything we need here
we've got not cocky Parcheesi . hey and we even got those little rubber bands for your braces
at that moment I had a decision to make
I could hide in here with these guys in my future would look something like this
Oliver i get ??? autogram
no I wasn't going to hide in this hole like some frightened ferret I was going to swim
or drown . the point is I was going to try
boys I got a relay race to swim
you'll come back they all come back . don't feel too bad for Billy
his whole name is Billy Gates and I think he did okay
would you like the extended service plan with that
oh he wasn't that Bill Gates but hey RadioShack was a good match for him
so what do we think of the Beenes . mm-hmm
Jerry's a good man top shell
the wife's a pill . true
and what's with that rope where's your prizefighter
oh let's face it they're just not a good fit here
well shall we go tell them . yes I guess we should get it over with
I think I saw her on the veranda
at that moment my father realized that mom would find out she was not the capri beach club person
unless he acted and acted fast . yes sir gin
well here we are my cabana really nice ???
its small place you should another bring my cheeseburger here
oh they figure it out . wow i love this things
hey why does the less commotion naked ? take me Ted . take you where
Ted thought he wanted to get to second base but now we just wanted to go home
damn why'd I spend all that time working out . muscle sinks fat floats curse these rock-hard ABS
Oliver you're up first
what strategies is it . Oh a little something I like to call the drown stroke . ????
its sets
we were all rushing inexorably towards a horrible fate when suddenly
hey everybody over here
spoil
dad holly ???
Jerry . now mom wouldn't have to blame herself we're not getting into the club
she think it had a little more to do with
look at craters on the moon
that magnificent bastard that saved us all
Charlotte . not now Jerry
I just have to say
you'll never know how much I really love you
I really was useful
no more ???. and as far as what really happened that day at the beach club
she never did
[Music]
cofee
[Music]
on American Idol the best of the best have been chosen
and that countdown to stardom begins
the competition kicks in tonight's . Fox Tuesday we're taking it to the next level
when the final twelve compete for the first time in front of a live audience
this is really ??? . but for one this night will be their last
the nice part of this competition is over
dont missed the final 12 . a two-hour live event American Idol starting at 8.7 central on Fox Tuesday