Oh Hell (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Sugardaddy - full transcript
Okay.
Now stick your finger
really deep into the flowerpot.
And what do you feel?
And now imagine,
you are the rhododendron.
And now, as the rhododendron,
tell me: are you
getting the right fertiliser?
You tell me.
Thank you very, very much for
putting your trust in GardenDream24.
Ah!
I've just done a proper upsell.
Uh-huh.
Helene, we need to talk.
I thought you were a smart woman,
who can put herself
in the customers' shoes.
Yes.
But now I rather think, you
believe this here to be experimental art.
You're a problem
for the first job market.
Then...
...for the second?
Or the third?
-...fourth?
-Your interviews last
27.5 minutes on average.
And the only thing
you've sold so far is a cactus set.
We have a performance target here.
We just can't afford you anymore.
-"Cactuses".
-What?
Plural of "cactus".
Helene.
I readily admit,
I'm a bit of a stalker sometimes,
and... Um... I've been...
reading up on you.
-Yes?
-Yes.
And apparently,
this wasn't the first job...
you've interpreted rather liberally.
Possible.
Very well possible even.
Does Organic Bakery Zischler ring a bell?
-Uh-huh.
-Keyword: selling yeast on eBay?
Does distance learning in ethnology
ring a bell?
-Uh-huh.
-Enrolled as
an allegedly indigenous member
of the Cheyenne River Sioux Tribe?
You know, there are people who specialise
in finding traces on the internet, and...
...there are simply plenty
of traces of you.
You know, if the world
were an art gallery or something,
you'd make a great exhibit.
Unfortunately it's not.
I'd prefer all things to be art too,
but I have to pay off my mortgage
and the industry is under pressure.
-Yes.
-Yes.
Sure.
A lot of pressure.
I'll go on and make the next call.
No.
"The large-scale
forest fires in the region
led to the extinction
of a rare species of raven.
In the financial crisis
surrounding Helene Sternberg,
there are new developments.
After losing her job,
her account balance dropped by EUR 24
to EUR 14,522 in the red.
But Helene Sternberg
wouldn't be Helene Sternberg,
if she hadn't already come up
with a new plan.
The newly in love 24-year-old
is now starting a new life
with fresh ideas and good concepts."
That one, for example.
Richard. Do you see his chin strap beard?
-Uh-huh.
-It means
Richard would like to be a Rick.
Okay, go on.
Okay, he's always alternating
between the desire to be a Rick
and the reality of remaining Richard.
-What does he do in his spare time?
-Mountain biking, in Tuscany.
Yeah, sure. Okay.
-By himself?
-No.
His wife and daughter are at the spa
and super-well taken care of.
Ooh! That one likes himself.
He's really enjoying himself.
Kiss my middle-class dreams!
Lick my pension provision chin!
I'll be your Rick, and we'll
build a house in the cocktail belt.
And you'll always serve really tasty
drinks, so I'll get a cocktail belt too.
When I see people or
sometimes when I watch them,
I imagine a sequence of sounds.
So typical for a music teacher!
I knew you'd say that.
-Okay, what's it called? That's...
-Let's move on.
No, wait! That's Ludmilla Beigel.
Their place smells like
vanilla custard and cinnamon...
-I don't want to go on.
-They are in control of their lives
and they have two children
and have sex twice a week and so on.
-Twice a month.
-No, twice a week.
Just look how well-groomed he is.
They arrange it and they stick to it.
For them, it's like...
It's like some sport for them.
Andreas will show you your room.
Cooee!
"Cooee"?! No way!
I'm sorry.
And just so you know:
physically I'm here,
mentally I'm not.
No problem at all.
And I'll leave my shoes on
so I can leave at any time.
Helene?
Shall we?
Um... Hang on a second!
Okay.
He takes my hand in a way I like:
not too soft and not too hard.
He's good.
He's really good.
Even though he's a music teacher.
Do you want me to
tell you everything I think?
Yes, please.
We could go somewhere.
Right now. Just like that.
To Ecuador or Romania.
Where it's peaceful.
Or very quiet.
Or very loud. Tokyo or Iceland.
-That's what you're thinking about now?
-Yes.
Okay.
Can you say more than just "okay"?
Helene, I'd love to go on a trip with you
but right now I have to budget a little.
Yeah, okay. No problem.
-Really?
-Absolutely!
I'll treat you.
No.
No, that would be awkward.
Yes, I will! To break the
pattern of roles would be wicked!
I'd be your big spender, your sugar
daddy. Yeah, and you my gold digger.
Okay, you say a number
between 1 and 15.
Fourteen.
I said 13.
-I definitely heard that.
-Yeah. I'll pay for the tickets.
Nah, I can do that now.
No, I'd love to do that.
You really don't have to pay.
It's really not a
problem for me right now.
Do you really want
to buy me a plane ticket?
It's really not a problem.
Financially, things are good right now.
It's so cool of you to come!
Do you like bacon?
Absolutely!
I got this stuff from our pantry.
I told mum, I want to donate it
to the people without teeth
at the train station.
Oh, man!
Thank you.
And I got the other thing too.
Of course there's no way
you can accept money
from a 7-year-old
which she has stolen from her mother.
I know where she keeps it.
She said,
it isn't worth investing it anyway.
She's got enough, really.
She buys new mats for her sport
every week.
She's doing some sport
on the internet now.
Well... Maybe you still can.
Borrowing is fine.
What do you need it for?
No problem.
Okay.
We'll be barefoot.
We'll giggle all the time.
We'll make two babies on the beach.
Hey, young lady! You may not come here.
I just wanted to take a peek.
I think it's really exciting.
Everything is literally scanned
from two sides at the same time.
And from the outlines, we can see
if someone
has something conspicuous with them.
He even looks good on here!
Huh? Ah, yeah!
Ah, Caracas!
These colours!
The people still remain so unchanged!
Yeah, here they go, on their vehicles
so typical of this country.
¡Hola Varona!
The cathedral of Caracas!
And now: the faithful come to sing.
Their god wears tone on tone
and smells like "Chloé Chloé".
And at the weekend,
"La Vie Est Belle" by Lancôme.
Shall we make love?
Sorry.
I can't sleep with you
while others are having sex.
Somehow I don't hear anything.
It must be about three floors below us.
I'm sorry I can't get aroused.
They've been fucking for two hours.
Whatever.
I've got my cello lesson now.
Hello? Is this Lab48?
No, it's Mum.
Is it Christmas?
No, Helene. It's June?!
No, it was irony
because you rarely call.
What's irony about that?
I thought, if you call,
it must be Christmas.
-I don't understand.
-It's an expression, Mum.
Uh-huh.
Um... Your father has told me
the latest news.
-Oh, yeah?
-May I congratulate you?
-Thank you.
-Congratulations
-on your graduation.
-Yeah. It's been a long ride.
Mhm. All right, then.
Wait! Mum?
I wanted to tell you something, I'm...
I've just returned from Caracas.
Caracas?
I spontaneously flew there
with my boyfriend.
Caracas, yes?
-Yes.
-Can you send me a picture?
Sure. Right now?
Yes.
Your boyfriend looks nice.
What's his name?
Oskar.
Say hello.
-To whom?
-My mum.
Hello,
although we haven't met.
What did he say?
"Hello, although we haven't met."
Well, of course we haven't met,
I don't know him at all.
Yes, Mum.
That's ironic.
Yeah, and how long have
you been together?
Four days.
-Huh?
-For four days.
-And you're going on holiday together?
-Yes.
Helene?
I'd like to visit you again.
-For no special reason?
-Yes.
I'd like to see you again and meet Oskar.
Yum! Super!
So tasty!
-Yum!
-Some more?
Yum! Uh-uh.
It's enough, but...
Yum!
-Yum!
-Well...
Alexander asked me whether I think it
too soon for us to be intimate.
But I think,
if you feel it, you have to do it.
I mean, yes: I'm 11.
But if I like a boy,
I like a boy.
-She talks a lot about this Alexander.
-Ah!
Mum, could you please not talk about me,
but with me at the table?
You talk a lot about this Alexander.
Supposedly he surfs and plays in a band.
-Ah!
-To be honest, I'm not sure
if this isn't another Eugen.
Eugen was invented,
Alexander is real.
And...
how are things at school?
You can't ask any more stiffly, can you?
You ask something then.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Does he zatisfy you, Mum?
I beg your pardon?
Do you reach an organism with him?
Helene?
Sure.
Just come round.
Okay.
Bye!
Bye!
Jason pondered all evening
over how you can achieve this:
getting wiped off the map.
It works.
It works.
Does a guy ever make you think,
you're in a place for the first time,
although you know it well?
Yes, absolutely.
This place was inside you the whole time,
but only now you're really entering it.
Together.
I recorded Oskar while sleeping too.
...two, three...
...two, three...
...one, two, three...
Can you remember,
when you first had your own flat
and no washing machine,
and we washed all the clothes by hand?
-Yes.
-Sometimes I imagine
you still don't own a washing machine,
and if you don't have underwear,
you just walk around without pants.
That would be so absurd!
Yeah, that would be totally absurd.
SPECIAL OFFER: WOODEN TABLE: EUR 129.00.
You know, if you... Or: if we...
Um...
...had...
...a chance...
...to get it right or so...
Which is what you want all the time.
...it's important for me to say:
I'll do it, I'm in.
But it's extremely important
that you're honest.
Yes.
Sure.
Yeah, this also means that if you're...
...not doing well financially... Well,
I don't have a lot of...
...dough or anything. I don't like you
because you're rich or something.
Nope.
Sure.
I see the price tag on the table.
No!
You can bring it back. Take it away.
I don't need anything. I just...
...need. All I need is...
...a room, an empty... room, where we...
...can lie down.
You'll paint it enough for me as it is.
Don't be so lovely!
Can I ask you something, Oskar?
Can I maybe get a bit of your urine?
-Do you know what I heard?
-Huh?
"Can I maybe get a bit of your urine?"
Well, can I?
Now stick your finger
really deep into the flowerpot.
And what do you feel?
And now imagine,
you are the rhododendron.
And now, as the rhododendron,
tell me: are you
getting the right fertiliser?
You tell me.
Thank you very, very much for
putting your trust in GardenDream24.
Ah!
I've just done a proper upsell.
Uh-huh.
Helene, we need to talk.
I thought you were a smart woman,
who can put herself
in the customers' shoes.
Yes.
But now I rather think, you
believe this here to be experimental art.
You're a problem
for the first job market.
Then...
...for the second?
Or the third?
-...fourth?
-Your interviews last
27.5 minutes on average.
And the only thing
you've sold so far is a cactus set.
We have a performance target here.
We just can't afford you anymore.
-"Cactuses".
-What?
Plural of "cactus".
Helene.
I readily admit,
I'm a bit of a stalker sometimes,
and... Um... I've been...
reading up on you.
-Yes?
-Yes.
And apparently,
this wasn't the first job...
you've interpreted rather liberally.
Possible.
Very well possible even.
Does Organic Bakery Zischler ring a bell?
-Uh-huh.
-Keyword: selling yeast on eBay?
Does distance learning in ethnology
ring a bell?
-Uh-huh.
-Enrolled as
an allegedly indigenous member
of the Cheyenne River Sioux Tribe?
You know, there are people who specialise
in finding traces on the internet, and...
...there are simply plenty
of traces of you.
You know, if the world
were an art gallery or something,
you'd make a great exhibit.
Unfortunately it's not.
I'd prefer all things to be art too,
but I have to pay off my mortgage
and the industry is under pressure.
-Yes.
-Yes.
Sure.
A lot of pressure.
I'll go on and make the next call.
No.
"The large-scale
forest fires in the region
led to the extinction
of a rare species of raven.
In the financial crisis
surrounding Helene Sternberg,
there are new developments.
After losing her job,
her account balance dropped by EUR 24
to EUR 14,522 in the red.
But Helene Sternberg
wouldn't be Helene Sternberg,
if she hadn't already come up
with a new plan.
The newly in love 24-year-old
is now starting a new life
with fresh ideas and good concepts."
That one, for example.
Richard. Do you see his chin strap beard?
-Uh-huh.
-It means
Richard would like to be a Rick.
Okay, go on.
Okay, he's always alternating
between the desire to be a Rick
and the reality of remaining Richard.
-What does he do in his spare time?
-Mountain biking, in Tuscany.
Yeah, sure. Okay.
-By himself?
-No.
His wife and daughter are at the spa
and super-well taken care of.
Ooh! That one likes himself.
He's really enjoying himself.
Kiss my middle-class dreams!
Lick my pension provision chin!
I'll be your Rick, and we'll
build a house in the cocktail belt.
And you'll always serve really tasty
drinks, so I'll get a cocktail belt too.
When I see people or
sometimes when I watch them,
I imagine a sequence of sounds.
So typical for a music teacher!
I knew you'd say that.
-Okay, what's it called? That's...
-Let's move on.
No, wait! That's Ludmilla Beigel.
Their place smells like
vanilla custard and cinnamon...
-I don't want to go on.
-They are in control of their lives
and they have two children
and have sex twice a week and so on.
-Twice a month.
-No, twice a week.
Just look how well-groomed he is.
They arrange it and they stick to it.
For them, it's like...
It's like some sport for them.
Andreas will show you your room.
Cooee!
"Cooee"?! No way!
I'm sorry.
And just so you know:
physically I'm here,
mentally I'm not.
No problem at all.
And I'll leave my shoes on
so I can leave at any time.
Helene?
Shall we?
Um... Hang on a second!
Okay.
He takes my hand in a way I like:
not too soft and not too hard.
He's good.
He's really good.
Even though he's a music teacher.
Do you want me to
tell you everything I think?
Yes, please.
We could go somewhere.
Right now. Just like that.
To Ecuador or Romania.
Where it's peaceful.
Or very quiet.
Or very loud. Tokyo or Iceland.
-That's what you're thinking about now?
-Yes.
Okay.
Can you say more than just "okay"?
Helene, I'd love to go on a trip with you
but right now I have to budget a little.
Yeah, okay. No problem.
-Really?
-Absolutely!
I'll treat you.
No.
No, that would be awkward.
Yes, I will! To break the
pattern of roles would be wicked!
I'd be your big spender, your sugar
daddy. Yeah, and you my gold digger.
Okay, you say a number
between 1 and 15.
Fourteen.
I said 13.
-I definitely heard that.
-Yeah. I'll pay for the tickets.
Nah, I can do that now.
No, I'd love to do that.
You really don't have to pay.
It's really not a
problem for me right now.
Do you really want
to buy me a plane ticket?
It's really not a problem.
Financially, things are good right now.
It's so cool of you to come!
Do you like bacon?
Absolutely!
I got this stuff from our pantry.
I told mum, I want to donate it
to the people without teeth
at the train station.
Oh, man!
Thank you.
And I got the other thing too.
Of course there's no way
you can accept money
from a 7-year-old
which she has stolen from her mother.
I know where she keeps it.
She said,
it isn't worth investing it anyway.
She's got enough, really.
She buys new mats for her sport
every week.
She's doing some sport
on the internet now.
Well... Maybe you still can.
Borrowing is fine.
What do you need it for?
No problem.
Okay.
We'll be barefoot.
We'll giggle all the time.
We'll make two babies on the beach.
Hey, young lady! You may not come here.
I just wanted to take a peek.
I think it's really exciting.
Everything is literally scanned
from two sides at the same time.
And from the outlines, we can see
if someone
has something conspicuous with them.
He even looks good on here!
Huh? Ah, yeah!
Ah, Caracas!
These colours!
The people still remain so unchanged!
Yeah, here they go, on their vehicles
so typical of this country.
¡Hola Varona!
The cathedral of Caracas!
And now: the faithful come to sing.
Their god wears tone on tone
and smells like "Chloé Chloé".
And at the weekend,
"La Vie Est Belle" by Lancôme.
Shall we make love?
Sorry.
I can't sleep with you
while others are having sex.
Somehow I don't hear anything.
It must be about three floors below us.
I'm sorry I can't get aroused.
They've been fucking for two hours.
Whatever.
I've got my cello lesson now.
Hello? Is this Lab48?
No, it's Mum.
Is it Christmas?
No, Helene. It's June?!
No, it was irony
because you rarely call.
What's irony about that?
I thought, if you call,
it must be Christmas.
-I don't understand.
-It's an expression, Mum.
Uh-huh.
Um... Your father has told me
the latest news.
-Oh, yeah?
-May I congratulate you?
-Thank you.
-Congratulations
-on your graduation.
-Yeah. It's been a long ride.
Mhm. All right, then.
Wait! Mum?
I wanted to tell you something, I'm...
I've just returned from Caracas.
Caracas?
I spontaneously flew there
with my boyfriend.
Caracas, yes?
-Yes.
-Can you send me a picture?
Sure. Right now?
Yes.
Your boyfriend looks nice.
What's his name?
Oskar.
Say hello.
-To whom?
-My mum.
Hello,
although we haven't met.
What did he say?
"Hello, although we haven't met."
Well, of course we haven't met,
I don't know him at all.
Yes, Mum.
That's ironic.
Yeah, and how long have
you been together?
Four days.
-Huh?
-For four days.
-And you're going on holiday together?
-Yes.
Helene?
I'd like to visit you again.
-For no special reason?
-Yes.
I'd like to see you again and meet Oskar.
Yum! Super!
So tasty!
-Yum!
-Some more?
Yum! Uh-uh.
It's enough, but...
Yum!
-Yum!
-Well...
Alexander asked me whether I think it
too soon for us to be intimate.
But I think,
if you feel it, you have to do it.
I mean, yes: I'm 11.
But if I like a boy,
I like a boy.
-She talks a lot about this Alexander.
-Ah!
Mum, could you please not talk about me,
but with me at the table?
You talk a lot about this Alexander.
Supposedly he surfs and plays in a band.
-Ah!
-To be honest, I'm not sure
if this isn't another Eugen.
Eugen was invented,
Alexander is real.
And...
how are things at school?
You can't ask any more stiffly, can you?
You ask something then.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Does he zatisfy you, Mum?
I beg your pardon?
Do you reach an organism with him?
Helene?
Sure.
Just come round.
Okay.
Bye!
Bye!
Jason pondered all evening
over how you can achieve this:
getting wiped off the map.
It works.
It works.
Does a guy ever make you think,
you're in a place for the first time,
although you know it well?
Yes, absolutely.
This place was inside you the whole time,
but only now you're really entering it.
Together.
I recorded Oskar while sleeping too.
...two, three...
...two, three...
...one, two, three...
Can you remember,
when you first had your own flat
and no washing machine,
and we washed all the clothes by hand?
-Yes.
-Sometimes I imagine
you still don't own a washing machine,
and if you don't have underwear,
you just walk around without pants.
That would be so absurd!
Yeah, that would be totally absurd.
SPECIAL OFFER: WOODEN TABLE: EUR 129.00.
You know, if you... Or: if we...
Um...
...had...
...a chance...
...to get it right or so...
Which is what you want all the time.
...it's important for me to say:
I'll do it, I'm in.
But it's extremely important
that you're honest.
Yes.
Sure.
Yeah, this also means that if you're...
...not doing well financially... Well,
I don't have a lot of...
...dough or anything. I don't like you
because you're rich or something.
Nope.
Sure.
I see the price tag on the table.
No!
You can bring it back. Take it away.
I don't need anything. I just...
...need. All I need is...
...a room, an empty... room, where we...
...can lie down.
You'll paint it enough for me as it is.
Don't be so lovely!
Can I ask you something, Oskar?
Can I maybe get a bit of your urine?
-Do you know what I heard?
-Huh?
"Can I maybe get a bit of your urine?"
Well, can I?