Oh Doctor Beeching! (1995–1997): Season 1, Episode 9 - Sleeping Around - full transcript

Bread- oh!

Bread- oh!

Good morning, Mr Bugden.

A small tin, please. A crusty one.

Small crusty tin coming up!

Bread- oh!

Morning, Mr Bugden.
A large bloomer, please.

Mrs Skinner will have the same.

Pair of bloomers coming up!

- Are you going to the dance tonight?
- I might.

- Ooh, good! See you there, then.
- You might.



I'll look forward to it.

You would.

I'll have a large tin.

Do you want a crusty one?

You don't have crusty ones
with teeth like mine.

You get sharp crumbs under 'em.

It's like chewing a bottle.

There's a bloomin' train- oh!

- Oh, hello, Jack.
- Morning.

Bad news, isn't it? Beeching shutting
Nossington- Bassett. Pretty little station.

Aye, it's a bad job.
What's gonna happen to t'passengers?

That's the problem, there aren't any.

- May not about yet?
- She's changing t'sheets.

- It's not Monday.
- You know how fussy she is.



I brought her a cup of tea
and she spilt it all over the bed,

then said it were my fault
for filling the mug too full.

I can't get Jessica going
till she's had a cup of tea.

And she's not too lively even then.

Now, he has been driving me mad.
Three days I've had to put up with that.

It's all because Harry's asked him
to play for the dance.

He's been doing that
all over the driving cab.

I thought he were gonna break
the steam gauge.

I told him, they're not
built to withstand it.

- Sorry.
- What are you doing? What'll May say?

Does she use bad language?

No. She throws things, like knives.

- Jack!
- What?

Gloria didn't come home last night.

- What do you mean?
- Her bed's not been slept in.

Maybe she woke up early and went out.

She never makes her bed.
And her bicycle's not in the hall.

- Isn't it?
- You always trip over it. Didn't you notice?

I was thinking about something else.
I've got problems.

What are we gonna do?
Where could she have gone?

Maybe she went to the pictures.

The Longest Day's on at the Odeon.
It goes on for hours and hours.

She'd want to see it all,
see how it turned out.

It's about the war.

We won.

May... Our Wilfred's bed's not been slept
in either. Do you think they're together?

- if he's touched her I'll kill him!
- Shut up! Our Wilfred's not like that.

I don't suppose he'd know
which bit to touch.

Out!

- What have I said?
- Never mind. Out! Our train's due.

Didn't you hear her come in?

How could I, with you doing
all that snoring and... things?

- It's not like our Gloria.
- She's never done anything like this before.

Neither has my Wilfred!

What? I found him asleep
in my garden one morning.

Yes, but he wasn't with anybody.

How many people
can he get under my bush?

Stop it, you two,
we're in enough trouble as it is.

You're right.
Did she say anything at tea time?

Well, she said she might go out
with her friend Amy.

Amy?! Well, she's a
right tart to start with!

She's anybody's for a penn'orth of chips.

You've no cause to say that, Ethel.
She's a nice girl underneath it all.

Oh, yeah? How far underneath
have you been ferreting?

Now who's going on?

- I think we ought to ring the police.
- Oh, no!

They might have been run over by a bus!

It's hardly likely, they
only go once an hour!

In both directions!

- Ethel's right, we should ring the police.
- All right. Come on, then.

Mr Orkindale, I reported the matter three
days ago and no action has been taken.

I see.

I expect Mr Skinner will be called in to see
the medical officer very shortly, then.

Yes. Goodbye, Mr Orkindale.

Jack, don't bother about the police station,
this is an emergency. Dial 999!

I'd rather speak to Charlie Cunliffe,
we were at school together.

He's probably as big a fool
as you are! Dial 999!

There's no need to be like that, May!

Don't take any notice,
we're all under stress.

There's the number, dial it.

Ooh, I say!

- What's all the commotion?
- Gloria didn't come home last night.

- Jack's on to the police.
- Hello, Charlie.

Excuse me.

- What's going on?
- It's all right. Gloria was with me last night.

- She was what?
- Gloria spent the night with me.

And you were blaming my Wilfred!
I told you he wasn't like that!

Excuse me, but Gloria wishes it to be known

that she is now in the refreshment room
having a cup of tea with two lumps.

Gloria!

- Now, listen here, Cecil Parkin...
- May I suggest you ask Gloria to explain?

Right.

Gloria? I thought something terrible
had happened to you!

All right, Mum!

- Amy!
- Amy!

- Amy!
- What's Amy doing here?

- She were with me.
- it was an orgy!

- I said she was a tart!
- Do you mind?

I've a good mind to put you over my knee,
as big as you are.

Dad, don't be ridiculous.

Don't call your father ridiculous.

You lay one finger on our Gloria,
I'll crown you!

If there's going to be violence,
I shall have to go. I never could stand it.

Ever since me father threw me mother
in the dustbin.

Headfirst!

If you'll all calm down, Gloria will explain.

Why Gloria?
It's you that's got the explaining to do.

If you'd let her speak,
you'll see it was all your fault.

You ravaged my daughter and it's my fault?

- Nobody ravaged anybody!
- I bet you was disappointed.

That is enough. Tell them, Gloria.

- Well, the picture went on rather late.
- Till 11 o'clock.

We popped into the chip shop...

You've no right to go in a chip shop at 11!

- We weren't alone.
- Percy was with us.

He would be.
Anywhere where there's a bit of skirt.

- Gloria is not a bit of skirt.
- I didn't mean her, May.

I suppose you meant me.

Please, let Gloria get on.

Well, we had a few laughs
and when we got back to Amy's,

her father had locked her out.

- I don't blame him.
- I couldn't wake him, he gets a bit drunk.

I'm not surprised, with
a daughter like you.

Mrs Schumann, please! Go on, Gloria.

I told Amy she could come back with me
and sleep in the parlour.

But Dad, you hadn't left the key
under the flowerpot.

- I expect you forgot.
- I can't remember everything!

See, Mr Skinner? it was all your fault.

It's not! She's no business
staying out till that time!

- We couldn't make either of you hear.
- That's because of your snoring.

And things.

I just happened to be glancing
out of my window...

Oh, yes? Expecting to see my wife
getting undressed, were you?

I shall ignore that remark.

I saw the girls were stranded. I made up
the fire and they spent the night on my sofa.

- And where were you?
- In my bed!

He said we could have the bed
but we didn't like.

Excuse me, but I had placed fresh- ironed
sheets there the evening previous,

so you wouldn't have caught anything.

Thank you, Vera.

The point is, if you had exercised proper
supervision over Gloria like a proper parent,

this would never have happened.

Mr Parkin, that is the most pompous thing
I've ever heard!

Come on, Amy.

My dad's smashing, and if you had
a daughter of your own you'd understand.

- You shouldn't let her speak to me like that.
- She's not on your staff.

I see. Well, as far as I'm concerned,
the matter is closed.

She shouldn't have said that to him,
you know, May.

It were good, though, weren't it?

Yeah. But he's right, a young girl shouldn't
stay out. You're too easy with her.

- Oh, so now it's my fault?
- No, we're both too easy with her.

The kids of today get no discipline.

Don't go on about putting her
across your knee again.

My dad tried that when I was about
Gloria's age. I kicked him.

- I bet it didn't stop him.
- it did where I kicked him!

I think she ought to have to stop in
for the week and be in at six.

Right. You tell her, then.

All right, I will.

- Do you think he'll get round to it?
- Will he, heck.

It's a bad day to start.
It's the dance tonight.

- Are you going?
- Well, I suppose so. I'll have to.

Our Wilfred's playing
the guitar in the band.

He only knows four chords, bless him, but...

I don't suppose anybody'll notice.
Not these days.

I'm worried sick about him.
Where could he have got to?

My late husband had a labrador.
He was an engine driver, you know.

What, the labrador?

No, my late husband.

Now and then, from time to time,
he'd get this faraway look in his eye

and he'd be away for days
until he'd satisfied his yearnings.

- What, your husband?
- No!

The labrador!

Ethel, your lad's outside,
the coal man's brought him back.

Ooh, the poor lad.
Is he all right? How does he look?

As barmy as ever...
with a light dusting of nutty slack.

Right. Thanks, Wilf. Now, take a sack
of coal to Mr Parkin for his copper, right?

Right, Mr Samways.

- And pull.
- Wilfred!

Wilfred!

Wilfred, I have been worried sick.
Where have you been?

I got up early so I could help Mr Samways.

Don't give me that!
Your bed's not been slept in.

I've turned over a new leaf, I made it.

- You didn't!
- Well, I'm sick of you going on at me.

I'll box your ears if you talk to me like that!

You can't, I've covered 'em up.

- He's a good lad, Ethel.
- Thanks for looking after him, Tom.

- You going to the dance tonight?
- I might.

- See you there, then.
- Hey, you might.

- I've got a pressie for you.
- Ooh!

I suppose it was too much
to expect a carnation for me corsage.

Spread that on your borders,
you'll be able to fill your house with 'em.

- I brought the shirts for the band, Harry.
- Yeah. Shove 'em on the side, will you?

I've been thinking, I could embroider
the name of the band on the shirts

in bright, striking colours on the breast,

only it would take up too much cotton.

You need a shorter title.

What's wrong with
Harry Lambert And The Rhythm Rascals?

- That's short, isn't it?
- Not as short as The Beatles.

No, someone's already thought of that.

Anyway, what do I wanna change for? It's
taken me ten years to build up my image.

When they see Harry Lambert
And The Rhythm Rascals,

they know what to expect.

The same billing, the same music,
the same combination.

But during all those years,
you've had different Rascals.

Yeah. It's always been me there, though.
The leader.

Bit of personality, that's what counts.

Oh, well. Don't let your shirts fall on the floor
and get covered in signal box dust.

- How much do I owe you?
- There's no need to pay me, Harry, not you.

Seven and six.

Right away!

Don't wave back, just take the train out!

Sorry, Mr Skinner.

Ralph! Will you stop playing
with your whistle?!

- Yoo- hoo! Percy!
- Hello, gorgeous.

- Going to the dance tonight?
- I might.

- See you there, then.
- You might.

Why can't the men round here
make their minds up?

May, May...

listen to this.

"Dear Mr Skinner,

"it has been reported to the District Office

"that your leg is giving rise
to some concern.

"You are therefore required to report
to the above address on the 24th..."

That's Monday!

Go on.

"..24th, so that I may examine the matter.
Yours sincerely."

- Who's it from?
- Stuart Gleed, medical officer.

What do they mean,
"it has been reported to this office"?

Who'd make a report about your leg
to District Office?

That interfering, pompous nit Parkin.

There's nothing wrong with your leg.

Except you don't like
going up and down ladders.

- Ooh, I say.
- I can do me job.

Only because my Wilfred
carries all the suitcases and parcels.

Well, it gets a bit stiff,
I've had it for years.

Ever since May and I first met.

- Was it a war wound?
- Well, it was in the war.

Ooh, fancy!

The men were brave, weren't they?

He got chucked out of a pub.

It didn't happen like that, May.

I was trying to get back in.

The beer was short, you see.

Come to think of it, everything was short.

But I knew they'd got another half a barrel
in the cellar so I put my foot in the door.

The landlord's wife,
who was a great big woman,

slammed it shut with all her might.

It was agony, I can tell you.

I was excused boots for a month.

The same thing happened to my husband.

He was in the American forces,
they gave him a Purple Heart.

This is serious.
Parkin could have me off the job.

- Really?
- Really.

Well, he won't.

I'm going to have a word with him.

In fact, he's gonna get a piece of my mind!

I don't think she can spare it.

Jack, ask Vera to look after
the refreshment room for me.

I'm going to pop into Clumberfield
for some shopping... and things.

- Mrs Schumann!
- I want a word with you.

- Very well. Sit down.
- No, thank you.

I'll come straight out with it
because I'm like that.

I don't think what you did was very nice.

- I see.
- In fact, I think it was downright rotten.

Are you suggesting the proper thing to do
would have been to leave them in the cold?

- What are you talking about?
- Gloria and Amy.

- Oh, that's all forgotten.
- Then what are you talking about?

You reported Jack's bad leg
to District Office, didn't you?

I'm sorry, that's British Railways business.

You know it's a war wound, don't you?

Received while he was fighting
tooth and nail

to defend democracy
against the forces of darkness!

I beg your pardon?

He was defending
the forces of darkness tooth and...

Oh, I'm not saying all that again.
It's a war wound.

That's not what I was led to believe.

It's true! He was in the trenches and
these Germans were coming at him with...

pansy tanks!

I understood his foot got stuck in a door.

That's right.
The door of a German pansy tank!

The door's on top.
What was his foot doing up there?

Well, er... he'd jumped on it.

To shove a land mine down inside.

And this big German stamped on his foot!

I see. Well, I'm sure this will all be taken
into account when the matter is considered.

So you admit you reported him!

Mrs Schumann!

I am responsible for this station.
Dr Beeching is tearing up lines around us.

I can't allow the smallest detail to cast
a shadow over our efficiency!

I see.

I think you're the most horrible man
I've ever met.

What's the matter, Mum?

I'm a fool, Wilfred, a silly fool.

Now and then it catches up with me.

It's pathetic.

Years ago it was packed, now look at it.

I blame television.

Who wants to listen to Harry Lambert
And His Rhythm Rascals

when you can stop at home
and watch Panorama?

I know which one I'd choose.

Harry Lambert.

Look at Parkin with Vera.

I wonder he's got the nerve to come
after what he's done to you.

I expect Vera's the only one
that'll talk to him.

He's just smiled at me. I wouldn't dance
with him for all the tea in China.

I don't suppose he'll ask you.

Look at Percy with that girl,
hugging her tight like that.

It's not decent.

Not that she minds.

Ooh, she's a tart.

Oh! Here's Tom and Andy!

They'll liven things up a bit.

Hello, Tom. Hello, Andy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I bet when they've had a few
they'll dance me off my feet.

- Ethel's trying a bit hard tonight, isn't she?
- Aye.

Wonder what she looks like
with her specs off.

Just about the same, I expect.

Two pints, please, mate.

Where are May and Gloria?

May was late back. I expect they're
titivating themselves. They take hours.

I used to be like that. I don't bother now.

I just do me eyebrows, me eyeliner,

and I put mascara on me eyelashes.

I think black eyelashes are very enhancing
to a woman's beauty.

Oh, yes. Definitely.

Your left one's coming unstuck.

Thank you, fans. Thank you, thank you.

And now, why don't we all loosen up...

and shake a leg or two, eh?

Oh. All right, then.

We'll bring our repertoire up to date.

Let's twist!

More up to date? That was 1958!

♪ Let's twist again like we did last summer

♪ Let's twist again like we did last year

- ♪ Remember when... ♪
- Come on, let's give it a go!

♪ Let's twist again, twisting time is here

♪ Round and round and round
and round we go

♪ Now, baby, if you love me let me know... ♪

That's enough. I've got a stitch.

And I'm just having an ordinary heart attack.

You, er, don't fancy a dance, do you, Ethel?

She's having this one
with St John's Ambulance.

How do I look?

Smashin'! Dad'll be proud of you.

I wouldn't be so sure of that.

When we go in, you're to go to Parkin
and say you're sorry.

Oh, Mum, it's so embarrassing.

You'll say you're sorry or you'll go home
now. Now, promise me.

All right. I promise.
But he was being rotten to Dad.

Oh, never mind that. Come on.

May, you look as beautiful as ever.

Oh. Very nice of you to say so, I'm sure.

Gloria.

Mr Parkin, I'm very sorry I was rude to you.

I shouldn't have said what I did say
and, well, I'm sorry.

That's all right, Gloria,
you were just sticking up for your father.

I hope a daughter of mine
would do the same.

May I have this dance?

Well, erm, I'm not so sure that would be
a good idea under the circumstances.

But Gloria would love to,
wouldn't you, Gloria?

- Why not?
- I'll try not to dance pompously.

What have you let her dance with him for?

He asked. It's not polite to refuse.

- You don't have to be polite to him.
- Yes, we do. It's called diplomacy.

Diplomacy my Aunt Fanny!
He tried to get me the sack.

You've got to stop worrying about that.
You exaggerate that limp, you know you do.

- Rubbish.
- It's true, Jack.

You do it so that
my Wilfred'll carry all the cases.

I have a feeling everything's
going to be all right.

Now, be a good loving husband
and dance with your wife.

And no limping.

Aw! isn't that nice?

Yeah. Oh, and look.
He's hardly limping at all!

Come on, Ethel. Your turn.

Ooh, blimey! Two miracles in one night!

- Hold me tight.
- Have I got a choice?

Come on, Ethel, it's half past ten.

I'm just watering me pansies.
There's a bit left. Do you want it?

Yeah.

'Ey up.

Hello, Mr Orkindale. What brings you out
here on a Sunday?

Mr Orkindale was just passing
and he thought he'd drop in.

I was talking to Dr Gleed about Jack's leg.
I hadn't noticed anything meself.

- Has it been playing you up, Jack?
- Me leg? Oh, no, no.

It's hardly worth mentioning.

Let's have a look at it, then.
Show us how you walk.

What, now?

Just walk towards the station, Mr Skinner.

- Walk towards the station?
- Just a few paces.

You look after your box, Harry.

Carry on, Mr Skinner.

That's not much of a limp, is it, Mr Parkin?

Er... no, not much of a limp, Mr Orkindale.

More like a hiccup.

You're right, Ethel.

I don't think we need to trouble Dr Gleed
about that, do you, Mr Parkin?

Er... no, I suppose not.

He's a good man, is Jack.
I've known him for years. And his wife.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yes. Years and years.

She's a wonderful woman.

A very wonderful woman.

Ooh! I'd better tell Jack
before he gets to Nossington- Bassett! Jack!

Jack! Jack!

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching,
what a naughty man you are

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching,
what a naughty man you are ♪