Oddballs (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Grandma's Boy - full transcript
James goes looking for the grandmother he's never met, only to discover that she's actually a robot gift service his parents signed him up for.
Go, go, go, go, go!
See?
Everything worked out.
Aw, I wanna be a letter!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
-How do you like that, huh?
-Hey, watch your six, bro!
Come on, come on, come on.
Big money, big money, aw,
high score, high score.
Yeah, yeah, get some!
Oh, yeah!
Top left, top left!
Put on the shawl!
-Blouse power!
-Come on!
-Oh, no!
High score!
-Come on, come on, come on!
I'm great.
Oh, get the power up!
-Watch out for that guy.
Don't mind me.
Dad, move, move, Dad, please!
-Dad, come on!
-Beautiful sucking action.
Dad, Dad, move, move, Dad!
My tibia!
-I'll get it!
You got a package.
Eh. I'm good.
Why aren't you opening it?
Kids don't get mail every day.
It's not like we're adults
with their glossy magazines,
and fancy credit card bills.
I already know what it is, Max.
It's from my grandma.
Oh, wow! A hoop and a stick!
Can I play with it?
Knock yourself out.
Man, this sucks.
-Why would you ask for this?
-I didn't.
My grandma gets me
the same gift every year
on International Grandchild's Day.
My scapula!
Does she hate you?
No, Max.
She doesn't even know me.
-You haven't met your grandma?
No, which is part of the problem.
I mean, why send me anything
if you never take the time
to get to know what I like?
My grandma just assumes
I like hoops and sticks
probably because she
likes hoops and sticks.
All it would take to get to know me
is a visit every once a while,
or a call, or even a handwritten
correspondence
that would trigger me to text her
to avoid written correspondences.
But no!
All Grandma ever sends me
is the same hoop and stick.
What does she think? If she
sends it enough, I'll start to like it?
What I'd like is a grandma
who knew what I liked!
Go to Grandma.
Tell her what you like.
-Ow!
Problem:
I don't know where she lives.
I do!
She lives in Dirt?
Why haven't my parents introduced us?
If they're anything like my parents,
it's because they hate her.
I'm okay!
First stop!
Whoa, wait, really?
You know, with all
those people dissolving,
I thought more time
would have passed.
Ugh. Why does your grandma
live somewhere so beige?
"Welcome to Grandma's Place.
One Hug."
Huh. Oh.
It's just an office building.
I guess this was all for nothing.
I am the Gift Replication
and Manufacturing AI machine,
or GRANDMA,
a one-stop gift fulfillment service
capable of learning
and convincing children that
their grandparents actually exist.
-Enjoy your gift!
Your grandma's a machine?
I am not seeing the resemblance.
No, Max, don't you see?
She's clearly part of a gift-giving
subscription service
my parents signed me up for.
Yeah, and you'd think
you'd be more appreciative, bubble boy.
Hey! Who are you calling...?
Wait. You're sentient?
You bet your bare butt I am.
And I don't take sass.
Sorry, I mean no offense,
but your gifts aren't very personal.
Then tell your parents.
They didn't tell me anything about you,
which is why you got the default gift,
hoop and stick.
Hoop and stick!
Hmm.
What if you could learn
everything about me?
Could you make a James-y gift?
Of course. What part of my acronym
did you not understand?
Max, I'll catch you later.
I'm gonna take my
fake neglected grandma
out of her hovel
for a day that's all about me.
A boy and his printer grandma.
I've never seen
anything more beautiful,
except for sunsets,
baby otters and...
Ooh, peanuts!
-This is what kids do for fun?
-Yeah.
Kids love getting elevated.
Ha! You got no friends, James!
You gotta hang out
in the park with a printer!
Hey! That's my grandma!
Yeah, sure.
That's your grandma.
And my grandma's this horse!
-Well, you didn't have...
-If that's your grandma,
I can see why she's so miserable.
Having a disrespectful,
inconsiderate blob of a grandson
must make her wish every day
she never met your
grandfather at Coney Island.
Don't listen to them, Grandma.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
You stood up for me.
I couldn't help myself.
I was just suddenly filled with a rage
that made my ink boil.
You're feeling what grandmas feel--
overprotectiveness for their
clearly illegitimate grandchild.
Let's enjoy the beautiful things.
Ahh.
Hmm.
Hey, Bob Awman, you know your bench
is super uncomfortable, right?
But you don't care, do you?
-Well, how could he? He's dead.
Why do you have to die to get
your own dedication bench?
What kind of person only gets immortalized
with a bench and not a statue?
Now, that's a compliment!
Get that in your data.
Got it.
Statue, good.
-Bob Awman, garbage.
Oh, if I didn't know any better,
I would say I got my snarky
sense of humor from you.
I know, it's like we're actually related.
Tell me more about my grandson.
Well, I like...
-Ugh.
-Ugh, can you believe this guy?
-Yeah.
Nobody asked him to DJ the park!
Ha! I know, right!
Who shows up to a public place
and decides they're going
to change the soundtrack?
Huh?
I feel like I've known you forever.
Oh, we're just getting
started, GRANDMA.
There's much more of me to like.
You're right, this thing sucks.
Oh, and don't forget to
put on your 3D glasses.
I'm a 3D printer, James.
I just call them glasses.
I'll try one of everything.
Ugh.
Ah.
Why are ice cream shops the only place
that allow unlimited free samples?
It's a cultural phenomenon that extends
to no other type of establishment.
Yeah, you don't walk into a pizza shop
and ask to try a miniature slice
of everything.
Isn't she the best?
That'll be $55.70.
Your sign says free samples.
"First three are free,
the rest cost money"?
Don't worry, Grandma's got this.
Aw, well, thank you, GRANDMA.
"Bob Awman"?
You're not Bob Awman.
I know Bob Awman.
He's a bench.
You printed his card?
I'm a printer, it's what I do.
I'm calling security.
Roxanne, this printer's
committing ice cream fraud.
-Run!
-How? I don't have any legs.
Oh, shoot, oh, shoot, oh, shoot!
Ugh!
What's happening?
You're huffing it like an old man.
No. Why have we stopped?
Oh, sorry, kid,
I've run out of cord!
Hang on.
We're going for a ride.
Hang on's my middle name.
Oh!
Out of the way!
-To your left!
-To your right!
Ooh, rum raisin.
Gangway!
Ah-ha!
Move it or lose it!
Behind you!
Aah!
Look out.
Aw, I paid good
money for this bench.
We're a-coming.
Oh, Mondays, am I right?
Max, why are you still here?
What? I can't leave!
I gotta get these papers
into the zoom pipe.
How was your day?
Amazing.
I never thought a printer and I
could have anything in common,
but GRANDMA proved me wrong.
Oh, yeah, we're like twins.
Oh, okay!
Now I see the resemblance.
Which is why I know what he likes.
Ohh!
That felt good.
Oh!
I'm better than Bob Awman.
Yeah, but that isn't saying much.
He's dead!
Wait, who?
I'm not dead!
See?
Everything worked out.
Aw, I wanna be a letter!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
-How do you like that, huh?
-Hey, watch your six, bro!
Come on, come on, come on.
Big money, big money, aw,
high score, high score.
Yeah, yeah, get some!
Oh, yeah!
Top left, top left!
Put on the shawl!
-Blouse power!
-Come on!
-Oh, no!
High score!
-Come on, come on, come on!
I'm great.
Oh, get the power up!
-Watch out for that guy.
Don't mind me.
Dad, move, move, Dad, please!
-Dad, come on!
-Beautiful sucking action.
Dad, Dad, move, move, Dad!
My tibia!
-I'll get it!
You got a package.
Eh. I'm good.
Why aren't you opening it?
Kids don't get mail every day.
It's not like we're adults
with their glossy magazines,
and fancy credit card bills.
I already know what it is, Max.
It's from my grandma.
Oh, wow! A hoop and a stick!
Can I play with it?
Knock yourself out.
Man, this sucks.
-Why would you ask for this?
-I didn't.
My grandma gets me
the same gift every year
on International Grandchild's Day.
My scapula!
Does she hate you?
No, Max.
She doesn't even know me.
-You haven't met your grandma?
No, which is part of the problem.
I mean, why send me anything
if you never take the time
to get to know what I like?
My grandma just assumes
I like hoops and sticks
probably because she
likes hoops and sticks.
All it would take to get to know me
is a visit every once a while,
or a call, or even a handwritten
correspondence
that would trigger me to text her
to avoid written correspondences.
But no!
All Grandma ever sends me
is the same hoop and stick.
What does she think? If she
sends it enough, I'll start to like it?
What I'd like is a grandma
who knew what I liked!
Go to Grandma.
Tell her what you like.
-Ow!
Problem:
I don't know where she lives.
I do!
She lives in Dirt?
Why haven't my parents introduced us?
If they're anything like my parents,
it's because they hate her.
I'm okay!
First stop!
Whoa, wait, really?
You know, with all
those people dissolving,
I thought more time
would have passed.
Ugh. Why does your grandma
live somewhere so beige?
"Welcome to Grandma's Place.
One Hug."
Huh. Oh.
It's just an office building.
I guess this was all for nothing.
I am the Gift Replication
and Manufacturing AI machine,
or GRANDMA,
a one-stop gift fulfillment service
capable of learning
and convincing children that
their grandparents actually exist.
-Enjoy your gift!
Your grandma's a machine?
I am not seeing the resemblance.
No, Max, don't you see?
She's clearly part of a gift-giving
subscription service
my parents signed me up for.
Yeah, and you'd think
you'd be more appreciative, bubble boy.
Hey! Who are you calling...?
Wait. You're sentient?
You bet your bare butt I am.
And I don't take sass.
Sorry, I mean no offense,
but your gifts aren't very personal.
Then tell your parents.
They didn't tell me anything about you,
which is why you got the default gift,
hoop and stick.
Hoop and stick!
Hmm.
What if you could learn
everything about me?
Could you make a James-y gift?
Of course. What part of my acronym
did you not understand?
Max, I'll catch you later.
I'm gonna take my
fake neglected grandma
out of her hovel
for a day that's all about me.
A boy and his printer grandma.
I've never seen
anything more beautiful,
except for sunsets,
baby otters and...
Ooh, peanuts!
-This is what kids do for fun?
-Yeah.
Kids love getting elevated.
Ha! You got no friends, James!
You gotta hang out
in the park with a printer!
Hey! That's my grandma!
Yeah, sure.
That's your grandma.
And my grandma's this horse!
-Well, you didn't have...
-If that's your grandma,
I can see why she's so miserable.
Having a disrespectful,
inconsiderate blob of a grandson
must make her wish every day
she never met your
grandfather at Coney Island.
Don't listen to them, Grandma.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
You stood up for me.
I couldn't help myself.
I was just suddenly filled with a rage
that made my ink boil.
You're feeling what grandmas feel--
overprotectiveness for their
clearly illegitimate grandchild.
Let's enjoy the beautiful things.
Ahh.
Hmm.
Hey, Bob Awman, you know your bench
is super uncomfortable, right?
But you don't care, do you?
-Well, how could he? He's dead.
Why do you have to die to get
your own dedication bench?
What kind of person only gets immortalized
with a bench and not a statue?
Now, that's a compliment!
Get that in your data.
Got it.
Statue, good.
-Bob Awman, garbage.
Oh, if I didn't know any better,
I would say I got my snarky
sense of humor from you.
I know, it's like we're actually related.
Tell me more about my grandson.
Well, I like...
-Ugh.
-Ugh, can you believe this guy?
-Yeah.
Nobody asked him to DJ the park!
Ha! I know, right!
Who shows up to a public place
and decides they're going
to change the soundtrack?
Huh?
I feel like I've known you forever.
Oh, we're just getting
started, GRANDMA.
There's much more of me to like.
You're right, this thing sucks.
Oh, and don't forget to
put on your 3D glasses.
I'm a 3D printer, James.
I just call them glasses.
I'll try one of everything.
Ugh.
Ah.
Why are ice cream shops the only place
that allow unlimited free samples?
It's a cultural phenomenon that extends
to no other type of establishment.
Yeah, you don't walk into a pizza shop
and ask to try a miniature slice
of everything.
Isn't she the best?
That'll be $55.70.
Your sign says free samples.
"First three are free,
the rest cost money"?
Don't worry, Grandma's got this.
Aw, well, thank you, GRANDMA.
"Bob Awman"?
You're not Bob Awman.
I know Bob Awman.
He's a bench.
You printed his card?
I'm a printer, it's what I do.
I'm calling security.
Roxanne, this printer's
committing ice cream fraud.
-Run!
-How? I don't have any legs.
Oh, shoot, oh, shoot, oh, shoot!
Ugh!
What's happening?
You're huffing it like an old man.
No. Why have we stopped?
Oh, sorry, kid,
I've run out of cord!
Hang on.
We're going for a ride.
Hang on's my middle name.
Oh!
Out of the way!
-To your left!
-To your right!
Ooh, rum raisin.
Gangway!
Ah-ha!
Move it or lose it!
Behind you!
Aah!
Look out.
Aw, I paid good
money for this bench.
We're a-coming.
Oh, Mondays, am I right?
Max, why are you still here?
What? I can't leave!
I gotta get these papers
into the zoom pipe.
How was your day?
Amazing.
I never thought a printer and I
could have anything in common,
but GRANDMA proved me wrong.
Oh, yeah, we're like twins.
Oh, okay!
Now I see the resemblance.
Which is why I know what he likes.
Ohh!
That felt good.
Oh!
I'm better than Bob Awman.
Yeah, but that isn't saying much.
He's dead!
Wait, who?
I'm not dead!