Oddballs (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Almost Home Alone - full transcript
Believing he's in a "kid-life crisis," James decides to take a day off from school, but it's repeatedly interrupted by a pesky door-to-door salesperson.
Go, go, go, go, go.
See, everything worked out.
Aw, I wanna be a letter.
How was tutoring, buddy-o?
You think you can pass PE now--
Oh, no! Another friend has become
a hideous, pale-headed zombie!
It never gets any easier
taking out a friend.
Hey, Max.
I didn't hear you come in.
James, you okay, man?
I must have been sleepwalking.
It's school, Max.
It's literally killing me!
Language arts, music, history, algebra,
the history of algebra,
term papers, homework, class projects,
PE, tutoring.
All I hear is that school bell
ringing, ringing, ringing
in my perfectly-shaped head.
I see what's happening here.
You're having a kid-life crisis.
A kid-life crisis?
Mm-hmm.
What do you see here?
Is that an elephant?
You see an elephant?!
That means you are stressed.
Or a homicidal maniac.
Either way, you need a "you day".
Take some time off, get a pedicure.
I can't, Max. I don't have any toes.
Aww! So cute.
But I could use a "me" day.
But when is that
ever going to happen?
I'm a kid.
I have no control over my existence.
Well, you better find the time
before you lose it.
And if you don't, you just remember--
old pokey's right there by the fireplace
in case you turn into a zombie.
Where to put this?
And... here.
Mom! Dad! I woke up late.
You gotta drive me, or I'll have to do
the Late Kid Walk of Shame
and everyone will stare at me
like I'm some tardy monster.
Wait, you can't leave me!
Woah!
Oh, they forgot me.
Now I'm gonna be late.
Unless, I don't go.
Then, I'll just be absent.
But, no. I can't do that. Can I?
I mean, they left me,
so it's not my fault.
It's their fault.
Is this what free will feels like?
Why am I talking to myself?
Oh, right.
Because I'm home alone and no one can
hear how weird I sound.
And no one can tell me what to do.
I'm taking the day off of school!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Wee!
First, I'm going to play video games
in my dad's expensive suit.
Then, I'll ride a toboggan inside.
Then, I'm gonna build and eat a house
made entirely out of
skedaddle-laced pancakes
Then, I'll throw horseshoes indoors.
Then, I'll go through that dresser drawer
in my parents bedroom
that I'm never allowed to look into.
Let the opposite of school begin!
Ah, my first day off.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
Okay, just got to make the first move...
in this video game.
This might be the first game I've ever
played without any interruptions.
-Outside people!
Maybe if I just ignore them,
they'll go away.
-Outside people who won't go away!
Hmph!
Good morning, sir.
Beautiful day, is it not?
I'm Byron Sellers, and I'm here
to share the good news
about the most amazing home security
system money can buy.
So, you're a door-to-door sales dude,
and your name is Sellers?
Mm-hmm, you bet.
Isn't that a little on the nose?
Well, my name used to be Robin Yew,
but I changed it.
-Good move.
-Do you own or rent, sir?
I'm allowed to live here by the grace
of the overlords who gave birth to me.
So, government housing.
Okay, splendid.
Check out this brochure about the--
Uh, unfortunately reading brochures
is too much like reading,
which is too much like school
and it's my day off.
Also, I don't want you here.
Well, good because
the Break-In Buster 3000
is the best way to get rid
of unwanted guests.
I prefer a more retro approach.
Well, well, well.
That is one tough customer,
but I'm a tough seller.
Time to put these stairs
to their proper use.
Huh?
Greetings again.
Please stop stopping my fun.
Wasn't me who stopped your sledding.
It was friction.
You know what they say:
an object in motion will stay in motion
until an opposing force stops it.
Huh, I didn't know that, but now I do.
Well, you learn something new everyday.
Learning? Hey! No teaching me
on my day off!
Oh, hungy.
But it's not lunchtime yet.
Wait a minute. I'm not at school.
I can eat anytime I want.
Oh, Pancake House.
Ah, brekkie anytime I want.
Time to fill my belly with disks
of processed white flour,
smothered in thick, delicious
maple tree sweat.
-Ahhh.
-Yum!
Save some for me.
-You!
Yes, sir. Me, sir.
I could never have penetrated
your perimeter
if you owned a Break-In Buster 3000.
It not only keeps out unwanted pests,
it also features built-in solar panels
that will soon pay for themselves.
Actually, it would take 20 years
for solar panels to pay for themselves.
And factoring in the decay
of the ozone layer
over the increase in population
and the resources to feed them,
times the methane produced by cow toots,
and I'm pretty sure the planet
and humanity will be toast by then.
Eh, can't argue with your math, sir.
No, you can't.
Wait. Did you just say math?
You just made me do math on my day off.
Get out of here! Go! Shoo, shoo!
My pancakes!
Not sure these pancakes
are structurally sound.
Stop ruining my day off!
Good morning, sir.
Do you have unwanted visitors
relentlessly showing up to your house?
Yes! All the time! You!
Well, how about that?
Then I have a deal you can't pass up.
With a purchase of a Break-In Buster 3000,
you'll not only get a safer home,
you'll get the satisfaction of knowing
you've greased the wheels of capitalism
with a lubricant called gullibility.
I'm. Not. Buying. Anything.
I love a challenge. Bring it!
Fine! We'll see who breaks first.
It's go time.
Go away time, that is.
Come in!
Oh, sir. Are you there?
It's Mr. Sellers.
Yikes.
That's for making me do science
on my day off!
And now, the world's greatest indoor
horseshoe thrower steps to the line.
He sets, blinks.
Blinks again.
Blinks a third time,
takes a deep breath...
steps, and...
Making me work on my day off!
Uh-oh.
You know that Break in Buster 3000 can
also help disperse unwanted solicitors.
Not as good as pokey.
Ah!
Ha!
Oh.
-I'll just let myself in.
Oh, man.
Wow, quite an attempt.
I haven't seen a throw like that
since Jan Zelezny set the record in 1997.
Actually, it was 1996,
the hundred year anniversary.
Olympics are every four years.
So, if you calculate that
from the first Olympics in 1896--
No! You just made me do PE,
math, and history.
-Aww, bless his little heart.
All right, Sellers, you win.
You can set up the Break-In Buster 3000.
You're in luck, sir.
I took the liberty of installing it
a few minutes after I first got here.
If you'll just sign on the dotted line,
which isn't really dotted,
but that's what people say,
so I'm saying it too.
So, how's this thing work anyway?
Oh, it's simple pimple.
The Break-In Buster is
entirely voice-activated.
Oh, really?
Break-In Buster, keep all visitors
away from my house.
Nice, try sir, but I set
the voice controls to French
to prevent you from using it
before payment.
French, huh?
Very good Break-in-Buster!
Keep all unwanted visitors
away from my house!
You-- You speak French?
Yes, sir.
Break-in-Buster-- Intruder! Shoot to Kill!
Turn it off!
Please, sir, sir, please, please.
I have a family.
A family of tiny salesmen.
Enfin.
You made me use language lessons.
Well, at least I can finally get on
with my day off.
-Welcome home, sir.
How are you enjoying
your new Break-In Buster 3000?
What are you doing in my house?
-You mean my house?
-What?!
One subject you didn't do today was
reading the fine print.
By signing the contract,
you agree for me to take your house
in lieu of payment.
-What?
-When I said I was a Salesman,
you should have known I was a parasite.
So, I'm gonna need you
to leave my house now.
I'm not going anywhere.
Then I'm afraid that makes you
a trespasser.
Intrusion. Shoot to kill!
Intrusion. Shoot to kill!
It's my day off. I won't... fine!
You want me to school? I'll school!
Computer science!
I'll use my laptop
to take out your cameras.
-Pew, pew, pew, pew.
Oh, no. Pew, pew, pew, pew.
-Yikes!
Ho... ly... sh...
Ow, ow, ow.
You'll have to up your game, sir.
Well, I intend to.
I'm gonna take out
your master control panel.
Easier said than done, sir.
Ah!
A-ha!
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew...
Music class!
-Ah, my ears!
Gym class!
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Math class! 1, 2, 3, 4, 6.
Science class. Reflect on this!
I will.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
-Sorry! Hold still!
And now, the last class of the day...
history!
-History?
-Yep.
'Cause that's what you are now.
You learned about me in history?
Oh, I get it.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
You just got schooled.
Heh, Max was right.
There really are a thousand uses
for the fire poker.
Ugh, this day off sucked!
Well, with Sellers gone at least I can
go look at my parents' mystery drawer
before they--
James?
Ugh, I guess I won't learn
what my last name is after all.
Why do we even have this?
We don't have a fireplace.
What have you done?
What have I done?
What do you think I've done?!
You went to work and left me alone
on a school day,
so I took a long-overdue break
to finally do all the fun stuff
I never ever get to do!
And I still didn't get to do any of it!
Son, it's Saturday.
Great. Now I have to do Home Ec, too?
See, everything worked out.
Aw, I wanna be a letter.
How was tutoring, buddy-o?
You think you can pass PE now--
Oh, no! Another friend has become
a hideous, pale-headed zombie!
It never gets any easier
taking out a friend.
Hey, Max.
I didn't hear you come in.
James, you okay, man?
I must have been sleepwalking.
It's school, Max.
It's literally killing me!
Language arts, music, history, algebra,
the history of algebra,
term papers, homework, class projects,
PE, tutoring.
All I hear is that school bell
ringing, ringing, ringing
in my perfectly-shaped head.
I see what's happening here.
You're having a kid-life crisis.
A kid-life crisis?
Mm-hmm.
What do you see here?
Is that an elephant?
You see an elephant?!
That means you are stressed.
Or a homicidal maniac.
Either way, you need a "you day".
Take some time off, get a pedicure.
I can't, Max. I don't have any toes.
Aww! So cute.
But I could use a "me" day.
But when is that
ever going to happen?
I'm a kid.
I have no control over my existence.
Well, you better find the time
before you lose it.
And if you don't, you just remember--
old pokey's right there by the fireplace
in case you turn into a zombie.
Where to put this?
And... here.
Mom! Dad! I woke up late.
You gotta drive me, or I'll have to do
the Late Kid Walk of Shame
and everyone will stare at me
like I'm some tardy monster.
Wait, you can't leave me!
Woah!
Oh, they forgot me.
Now I'm gonna be late.
Unless, I don't go.
Then, I'll just be absent.
But, no. I can't do that. Can I?
I mean, they left me,
so it's not my fault.
It's their fault.
Is this what free will feels like?
Why am I talking to myself?
Oh, right.
Because I'm home alone and no one can
hear how weird I sound.
And no one can tell me what to do.
I'm taking the day off of school!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Wee!
First, I'm going to play video games
in my dad's expensive suit.
Then, I'll ride a toboggan inside.
Then, I'm gonna build and eat a house
made entirely out of
skedaddle-laced pancakes
Then, I'll throw horseshoes indoors.
Then, I'll go through that dresser drawer
in my parents bedroom
that I'm never allowed to look into.
Let the opposite of school begin!
Ah, my first day off.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
Okay, just got to make the first move...
in this video game.
This might be the first game I've ever
played without any interruptions.
-Outside people!
Maybe if I just ignore them,
they'll go away.
-Outside people who won't go away!
Hmph!
Good morning, sir.
Beautiful day, is it not?
I'm Byron Sellers, and I'm here
to share the good news
about the most amazing home security
system money can buy.
So, you're a door-to-door sales dude,
and your name is Sellers?
Mm-hmm, you bet.
Isn't that a little on the nose?
Well, my name used to be Robin Yew,
but I changed it.
-Good move.
-Do you own or rent, sir?
I'm allowed to live here by the grace
of the overlords who gave birth to me.
So, government housing.
Okay, splendid.
Check out this brochure about the--
Uh, unfortunately reading brochures
is too much like reading,
which is too much like school
and it's my day off.
Also, I don't want you here.
Well, good because
the Break-In Buster 3000
is the best way to get rid
of unwanted guests.
I prefer a more retro approach.
Well, well, well.
That is one tough customer,
but I'm a tough seller.
Time to put these stairs
to their proper use.
Huh?
Greetings again.
Please stop stopping my fun.
Wasn't me who stopped your sledding.
It was friction.
You know what they say:
an object in motion will stay in motion
until an opposing force stops it.
Huh, I didn't know that, but now I do.
Well, you learn something new everyday.
Learning? Hey! No teaching me
on my day off!
Oh, hungy.
But it's not lunchtime yet.
Wait a minute. I'm not at school.
I can eat anytime I want.
Oh, Pancake House.
Ah, brekkie anytime I want.
Time to fill my belly with disks
of processed white flour,
smothered in thick, delicious
maple tree sweat.
-Ahhh.
-Yum!
Save some for me.
-You!
Yes, sir. Me, sir.
I could never have penetrated
your perimeter
if you owned a Break-In Buster 3000.
It not only keeps out unwanted pests,
it also features built-in solar panels
that will soon pay for themselves.
Actually, it would take 20 years
for solar panels to pay for themselves.
And factoring in the decay
of the ozone layer
over the increase in population
and the resources to feed them,
times the methane produced by cow toots,
and I'm pretty sure the planet
and humanity will be toast by then.
Eh, can't argue with your math, sir.
No, you can't.
Wait. Did you just say math?
You just made me do math on my day off.
Get out of here! Go! Shoo, shoo!
My pancakes!
Not sure these pancakes
are structurally sound.
Stop ruining my day off!
Good morning, sir.
Do you have unwanted visitors
relentlessly showing up to your house?
Yes! All the time! You!
Well, how about that?
Then I have a deal you can't pass up.
With a purchase of a Break-In Buster 3000,
you'll not only get a safer home,
you'll get the satisfaction of knowing
you've greased the wheels of capitalism
with a lubricant called gullibility.
I'm. Not. Buying. Anything.
I love a challenge. Bring it!
Fine! We'll see who breaks first.
It's go time.
Go away time, that is.
Come in!
Oh, sir. Are you there?
It's Mr. Sellers.
Yikes.
That's for making me do science
on my day off!
And now, the world's greatest indoor
horseshoe thrower steps to the line.
He sets, blinks.
Blinks again.
Blinks a third time,
takes a deep breath...
steps, and...
Making me work on my day off!
Uh-oh.
You know that Break in Buster 3000 can
also help disperse unwanted solicitors.
Not as good as pokey.
Ah!
Ha!
Oh.
-I'll just let myself in.
Oh, man.
Wow, quite an attempt.
I haven't seen a throw like that
since Jan Zelezny set the record in 1997.
Actually, it was 1996,
the hundred year anniversary.
Olympics are every four years.
So, if you calculate that
from the first Olympics in 1896--
No! You just made me do PE,
math, and history.
-Aww, bless his little heart.
All right, Sellers, you win.
You can set up the Break-In Buster 3000.
You're in luck, sir.
I took the liberty of installing it
a few minutes after I first got here.
If you'll just sign on the dotted line,
which isn't really dotted,
but that's what people say,
so I'm saying it too.
So, how's this thing work anyway?
Oh, it's simple pimple.
The Break-In Buster is
entirely voice-activated.
Oh, really?
Break-In Buster, keep all visitors
away from my house.
Nice, try sir, but I set
the voice controls to French
to prevent you from using it
before payment.
French, huh?
Very good Break-in-Buster!
Keep all unwanted visitors
away from my house!
You-- You speak French?
Yes, sir.
Break-in-Buster-- Intruder! Shoot to Kill!
Turn it off!
Please, sir, sir, please, please.
I have a family.
A family of tiny salesmen.
Enfin.
You made me use language lessons.
Well, at least I can finally get on
with my day off.
-Welcome home, sir.
How are you enjoying
your new Break-In Buster 3000?
What are you doing in my house?
-You mean my house?
-What?!
One subject you didn't do today was
reading the fine print.
By signing the contract,
you agree for me to take your house
in lieu of payment.
-What?
-When I said I was a Salesman,
you should have known I was a parasite.
So, I'm gonna need you
to leave my house now.
I'm not going anywhere.
Then I'm afraid that makes you
a trespasser.
Intrusion. Shoot to kill!
Intrusion. Shoot to kill!
It's my day off. I won't... fine!
You want me to school? I'll school!
Computer science!
I'll use my laptop
to take out your cameras.
-Pew, pew, pew, pew.
Oh, no. Pew, pew, pew, pew.
-Yikes!
Ho... ly... sh...
Ow, ow, ow.
You'll have to up your game, sir.
Well, I intend to.
I'm gonna take out
your master control panel.
Easier said than done, sir.
Ah!
A-ha!
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew...
Music class!
-Ah, my ears!
Gym class!
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Math class! 1, 2, 3, 4, 6.
Science class. Reflect on this!
I will.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
-Sorry! Hold still!
And now, the last class of the day...
history!
-History?
-Yep.
'Cause that's what you are now.
You learned about me in history?
Oh, I get it.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
You just got schooled.
Heh, Max was right.
There really are a thousand uses
for the fire poker.
Ugh, this day off sucked!
Well, with Sellers gone at least I can
go look at my parents' mystery drawer
before they--
James?
Ugh, I guess I won't learn
what my last name is after all.
Why do we even have this?
We don't have a fireplace.
What have you done?
What have I done?
What do you think I've done?!
You went to work and left me alone
on a school day,
so I took a long-overdue break
to finally do all the fun stuff
I never ever get to do!
And I still didn't get to do any of it!
Son, it's Saturday.
Great. Now I have to do Home Ec, too?