Oddballs (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Blood Excuse - full transcript
After learning he can be excused from gym class for donating blood, James gives so much that he shrivels up and gets mistaken for a senior citizen.
-Go, go, go, go, go! Agh!
See? Everything worked out.
Aw. I wanna be a ladder.
Look at you! You all have baby legs!
But you're not babies, are you?
That's why Doctor Squats is prescribing
the only medicine she recognizes…
squats!
Squats transform your legs, your glutes,
and your life!
They're squat-tastic.
So, today we begin with squat frogs.
Live. Laugh. Squat!
More squat frogs?
Yeah, I know. Frogs suck.
Squats won't "transform our lives."
They won't?
No, that's why gym class
is such a waste of time.
Squats have zero value in everyday life.
Will squats help me microwave
my mac and cheese faster?
Will squats restore the internet when my
Wi-Fi crashes? No!
There will never be
a real world situation
where one would need to perform
a squat frog.
You! You want a real world situation
for squat frogs, do ya?!
Do ten squat frogs!
Oh, I can't.
My doctor says I'm actually
frog intolerant.
Just thinking about frogs, and I'll bloat
like a blimp.
Uh-oh, I thought about them.
I should go home.
Uh-huh. The only prescription you need
for your condition is…
Squat frogs!
Okay, everyone.
It's come to Doctor Squats' attention
that today is blood drive day.
Whoever wants to donate blood can be
excused from gym class.
Excused from gym class?
So, you have to choose.
Stay here and master
a squat-tastic life skill,
or you can be a hero.
I know what I'd choose.
-How'd it go?
-Great!
First, I got to lie down in a recliner.
Then the nurse complimented me
on my large veins,
which no one ever notices.
I took an instant nap,
which they called fainting,
and then I got a cookie.
That is incredible!
Yeah, way better than useless squat frogs.
Take that gym class!
But gym class is every day.
Then I know what I have to do.
Sorry I'm late for ice cream o'clock,
but dibs on the cherry.
Sorry, mister.
Ice cream o'clock is a private thing
for me and the two chumps
I hustle for free ice cream.
But it's me…
But it's me, James, one of the chumps.
James!
Is it really you?
Hmm…
James?
It is you!
What did you do?
We're supposed to grow old together!
I've been donating blood every day
this past week to get out of P.E.
But you're like a deflated balloon!
Wait, do balloons bleed?
That will be seventy-five dollars.
Can we get three spoons?
Oh, sorry, sir.
I-- I didn't see you there.
Let me just give you the senior discount.
That'll be two bits.
And here's a neck pillow
and a glass of warm water,
in case you get a brain freeze.
Two bits it is!
-What?!
-Max, Echo.
Don't you see what this means?
That you'll be cashing out your
retirement fund years before it matures?
No, it means that unlike gym class,
me giving blood has actually given me
something I can actually use
in real life, actually.
Senior discounts!
Which means I'm going to eat my way
through Dirt's ancient foods
like a locust on swarming day.
Let the food tour begin.
Ah, getting out of squat frogs
and getting old people discounts--
is there anything giving blood
isn't good for?
Less talky, more walkie, raisin man.
Bagel Bunker's senior discounts
aren't going to discount themselves.
You guys?!
My blood-starved calves.
Guys?!
Excuse me, Mr. Senior.
Can I help you cross the street
for my helping the elderly merit badge?
Oh, um, sure. Thank you.
He said, yes! Go! Go! Go!
Yes! I finally got
my grandpa-gathering badge.
Wa-hoo!
No wait, you don't understand!
This is a mistake.
I'm not actually…
Slushies?
Naps?
Soft cheeses?
Take me away, boys.
James? Nope.
James? Nuh-uh.
James? No!
My youth!
Max? Echo?
James!
There you are.
I had to pay a full dollar fifty
for a hot dog.
What have they done to you?
You look relaxed.
That's not the James that I know.
Blink normally if you're being held
against your will!
I'm fine, Max.
I'm more than fine.
I'm retired.
Retired from what?
Stupid classes that bring
no real value to life,
unlike my new voice-activated scooter.
Scooter, tour me.
In this place, you can forget all about
dumb P.E or stats,
or any other unimportant thing teachers
force you to think are so important.
Seriously, Max, name a school subject.
Geometry.
Pfft! Geome-try-again.
The only math you got to know here is
that one Jello plus two Jello
is a party, baby.
Mmm. With added vitamins.
Bingo time.
When it comes to trying new foods,
what's a bigger discount than free?
At bingo, we play for obscure candies
only known by the elderly.
Oh!
Alright. Alright, calm down, kids.
Let's play some bingo.
"N," 31.
Bingo! Give me snacks!
Impossible, that was just the first ball!
-Boo!
Oh!
All right, let's get back to it.
The next number is--
-Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
-Bingo! Bingo! I got bingo!
So, uh, James, now that
you're pretending to be old,
are you going to live here now?
Mm-hmm, Max.
I'm gonna live my best gym-less
and other unnecessary classes life
right here.
Max? I know that crocodile.
It can't be!
Those eyes! I know those eyes!
It is you!
Sorry, do I know you?
Onion!
Who?
Smooth Jason!
Bingo.
Boo!
What are you doing here?
I'm here because of you.
After you exposed me as a cheater,
I was shunned by everyone.
No place to go, no onion to cry on.
But like you, I discovered a
new identity for myself
through giving blood!
I became…
Wrinkly Jason!
And I found a new stage to shine on,
and now it's payback time.
You've ruined my life once,
so now I'm gonna ruin yours!
Once the blood bank hears
you're abusing their system,
you'll be banned from donating!
-No!
-And that means no more looking old.
Revenge will be mine!
If you tattle on me, I'll tattle on you.
Not if I break those wrinkly baby legs!
One against three.
I don't do math anymore,
but I like those odds.
Visiting hours are officially over.
All you youngins, get out!
-Well, bye, James!
-Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
Residents can now either
enjoy outside time
while the impending fight ensues,
or stay and place their bets!
I'll put twelve gum drops
on the deflated balloon!
Where am I?
Oh, no, we gotta help James!
He's not a lover or a fighter.
Eh, I'm sure they'll work it out.
Okay, who has ungrateful grandchildren
and wants to be treated respectfully
for the day?
Great. Gumdrop a minute. Who's first?
My back!
Smooth… Wrinkly… It's over, Jason.
Looks like you have a choice.
You can choose to turn me in
or you can save those prunes.
Just remember, only a youngin'
can save them in time.
Save them, and they'll know
who you really are.
Help! Oh, dear.
-Squats!
Squats transform your legs,
your glutes, and your life!
Live!
Laugh!
Squat!
Senior impostor! Senior impostor!
Senior impostor! Senior impostor!
I don't know what he's talking about!
I'm old-- I remember DVDs!
Save it, kid!
No real senior could frog squat
a bingo cage.
Uh-huh!
But I love it here!
Can I at least visit?
What about on Soup Sundays?
Fiber Fridays?
Please, don't make me go back to school!
And great, I'm young again.
But I guess I did find
a real-life value in squat frogs.
Well, at least you know how
to gym class now.
All right, class, big news!
Doctor Squats has a new prescription.
Squats are out,
and push-ups are in!
Push-ups? How will push-ups
ever help me in life?
Will push-ups help me--
No flashbacks!
Push-ups, now!
Oh, that looks hard.
-Ow!
Hey, do you still have that neck pillow?
My back!
See? Everything worked out.
Aw. I wanna be a ladder.
Look at you! You all have baby legs!
But you're not babies, are you?
That's why Doctor Squats is prescribing
the only medicine she recognizes…
squats!
Squats transform your legs, your glutes,
and your life!
They're squat-tastic.
So, today we begin with squat frogs.
Live. Laugh. Squat!
More squat frogs?
Yeah, I know. Frogs suck.
Squats won't "transform our lives."
They won't?
No, that's why gym class
is such a waste of time.
Squats have zero value in everyday life.
Will squats help me microwave
my mac and cheese faster?
Will squats restore the internet when my
Wi-Fi crashes? No!
There will never be
a real world situation
where one would need to perform
a squat frog.
You! You want a real world situation
for squat frogs, do ya?!
Do ten squat frogs!
Oh, I can't.
My doctor says I'm actually
frog intolerant.
Just thinking about frogs, and I'll bloat
like a blimp.
Uh-oh, I thought about them.
I should go home.
Uh-huh. The only prescription you need
for your condition is…
Squat frogs!
Okay, everyone.
It's come to Doctor Squats' attention
that today is blood drive day.
Whoever wants to donate blood can be
excused from gym class.
Excused from gym class?
So, you have to choose.
Stay here and master
a squat-tastic life skill,
or you can be a hero.
I know what I'd choose.
-How'd it go?
-Great!
First, I got to lie down in a recliner.
Then the nurse complimented me
on my large veins,
which no one ever notices.
I took an instant nap,
which they called fainting,
and then I got a cookie.
That is incredible!
Yeah, way better than useless squat frogs.
Take that gym class!
But gym class is every day.
Then I know what I have to do.
Sorry I'm late for ice cream o'clock,
but dibs on the cherry.
Sorry, mister.
Ice cream o'clock is a private thing
for me and the two chumps
I hustle for free ice cream.
But it's me…
But it's me, James, one of the chumps.
James!
Is it really you?
Hmm…
James?
It is you!
What did you do?
We're supposed to grow old together!
I've been donating blood every day
this past week to get out of P.E.
But you're like a deflated balloon!
Wait, do balloons bleed?
That will be seventy-five dollars.
Can we get three spoons?
Oh, sorry, sir.
I-- I didn't see you there.
Let me just give you the senior discount.
That'll be two bits.
And here's a neck pillow
and a glass of warm water,
in case you get a brain freeze.
Two bits it is!
-What?!
-Max, Echo.
Don't you see what this means?
That you'll be cashing out your
retirement fund years before it matures?
No, it means that unlike gym class,
me giving blood has actually given me
something I can actually use
in real life, actually.
Senior discounts!
Which means I'm going to eat my way
through Dirt's ancient foods
like a locust on swarming day.
Let the food tour begin.
Ah, getting out of squat frogs
and getting old people discounts--
is there anything giving blood
isn't good for?
Less talky, more walkie, raisin man.
Bagel Bunker's senior discounts
aren't going to discount themselves.
You guys?!
My blood-starved calves.
Guys?!
Excuse me, Mr. Senior.
Can I help you cross the street
for my helping the elderly merit badge?
Oh, um, sure. Thank you.
He said, yes! Go! Go! Go!
Yes! I finally got
my grandpa-gathering badge.
Wa-hoo!
No wait, you don't understand!
This is a mistake.
I'm not actually…
Slushies?
Naps?
Soft cheeses?
Take me away, boys.
James? Nope.
James? Nuh-uh.
James? No!
My youth!
Max? Echo?
James!
There you are.
I had to pay a full dollar fifty
for a hot dog.
What have they done to you?
You look relaxed.
That's not the James that I know.
Blink normally if you're being held
against your will!
I'm fine, Max.
I'm more than fine.
I'm retired.
Retired from what?
Stupid classes that bring
no real value to life,
unlike my new voice-activated scooter.
Scooter, tour me.
In this place, you can forget all about
dumb P.E or stats,
or any other unimportant thing teachers
force you to think are so important.
Seriously, Max, name a school subject.
Geometry.
Pfft! Geome-try-again.
The only math you got to know here is
that one Jello plus two Jello
is a party, baby.
Mmm. With added vitamins.
Bingo time.
When it comes to trying new foods,
what's a bigger discount than free?
At bingo, we play for obscure candies
only known by the elderly.
Oh!
Alright. Alright, calm down, kids.
Let's play some bingo.
"N," 31.
Bingo! Give me snacks!
Impossible, that was just the first ball!
-Boo!
Oh!
All right, let's get back to it.
The next number is--
-Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
-Bingo! Bingo! I got bingo!
So, uh, James, now that
you're pretending to be old,
are you going to live here now?
Mm-hmm, Max.
I'm gonna live my best gym-less
and other unnecessary classes life
right here.
Max? I know that crocodile.
It can't be!
Those eyes! I know those eyes!
It is you!
Sorry, do I know you?
Onion!
Who?
Smooth Jason!
Bingo.
Boo!
What are you doing here?
I'm here because of you.
After you exposed me as a cheater,
I was shunned by everyone.
No place to go, no onion to cry on.
But like you, I discovered a
new identity for myself
through giving blood!
I became…
Wrinkly Jason!
And I found a new stage to shine on,
and now it's payback time.
You've ruined my life once,
so now I'm gonna ruin yours!
Once the blood bank hears
you're abusing their system,
you'll be banned from donating!
-No!
-And that means no more looking old.
Revenge will be mine!
If you tattle on me, I'll tattle on you.
Not if I break those wrinkly baby legs!
One against three.
I don't do math anymore,
but I like those odds.
Visiting hours are officially over.
All you youngins, get out!
-Well, bye, James!
-Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
Residents can now either
enjoy outside time
while the impending fight ensues,
or stay and place their bets!
I'll put twelve gum drops
on the deflated balloon!
Where am I?
Oh, no, we gotta help James!
He's not a lover or a fighter.
Eh, I'm sure they'll work it out.
Okay, who has ungrateful grandchildren
and wants to be treated respectfully
for the day?
Great. Gumdrop a minute. Who's first?
My back!
Smooth… Wrinkly… It's over, Jason.
Looks like you have a choice.
You can choose to turn me in
or you can save those prunes.
Just remember, only a youngin'
can save them in time.
Save them, and they'll know
who you really are.
Help! Oh, dear.
-Squats!
Squats transform your legs,
your glutes, and your life!
Live!
Laugh!
Squat!
Senior impostor! Senior impostor!
Senior impostor! Senior impostor!
I don't know what he's talking about!
I'm old-- I remember DVDs!
Save it, kid!
No real senior could frog squat
a bingo cage.
Uh-huh!
But I love it here!
Can I at least visit?
What about on Soup Sundays?
Fiber Fridays?
Please, don't make me go back to school!
And great, I'm young again.
But I guess I did find
a real-life value in squat frogs.
Well, at least you know how
to gym class now.
All right, class, big news!
Doctor Squats has a new prescription.
Squats are out,
and push-ups are in!
Push-ups? How will push-ups
ever help me in life?
Will push-ups help me--
No flashbacks!
Push-ups, now!
Oh, that looks hard.
-Ow!
Hey, do you still have that neck pillow?
My back!