Oddballs (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Raising Toasty - full transcript
After burnt toast ruins their sleepover, James and Max create "Toasty," a sentient toaster - but they have wildly different ideas on how to raise him.
-Go, go, go, go, go! Agh!
See? Everything worked out.
Aw. I wanna be a letter.
Now, that was
the perfect sleepover. Right, Max?
Aw, heck yeah!
And I slept like
a failed genetic experiment
gifted with human intelligence
and voice.
Well, that's an oddly specific metaphor,
considering that's exactly what you are!
And you're ripping my stuff.
But I'm just too gosh-darn thrilled
with our perfect sleepover to care!
Our game time was perfect.
The snacks were perfect.
And Mrs. Doubtcar
was the perfect movie rental.
Ha, I mean, what a twist!
I know!
And his dad was a car the whole time!
Hey, I threw it out the window.
And now to complete
our perfect sleepover...
With perfect breakfast!
We got eggies, taters,
and to finish it off,
what no breakfast can be complete without:
perfect toast!
Yeah!
Ooh!
Our perfect sleepover is ruined!
All I wanted was for us
to have the perfect sleepover.
And you ruined perfect breakfast.
Ooh, ow, ow!
I'm sorry, but why
do we have to put up with toasters?
Even though they have
seven different heat levels,
they'll still ignore all of them
and burn the bread anyway.
Yeah, what's up, toasters?
Man hasn't changed the toaster
in a hundred years.
How is it that we have
every smart appliance
from watches, to refrigerators,
but no one's created a smart toaster?
Why has no one
created a smart toaster?
Because it's our destiny!
I may not know exactly how
toasters or electricity works,
but I know we must have the technology
to allow the toaster to sense when
the bread is at its perfect toast level.
Like artificial intelligence.
Yes, like artificial intelligence.
Together, we'll create a new,
revolutionary toaster.
Yes!
One that can know
exactly when the toast is done.
Together, we'll change the world!
Tell 'em like you tell 'em.
Now all we need is an AI chip that can
make this toaster as smart as that fridge.
Great work, Max.
Now to change the world.
Oh, no, oh, no,
what do we do, what do we do?!
Hm. So that's how babies are made.
Oh. He's... so beautiful.
He has your eyes.
I'm gonna call you Toasty.
Aw, he looks like a Toasty.
And you're gonna make the best toast
the world has ever seen.
Toasty, Toasty, Toasty!
Oh, goodbye, perfect Christmas!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's just a baby.
Could you make perfect toast
when you were a baby?
Honey, look, we created life.
Interesting.
Now let's see how it feels
about electrocution.
No, you couldn't.
Well, not to worry.
If we raise Toasty right,
I'm sure he'll grow up to be
the perfect, little smart toaster.
Isn't that right?
Ready when you are, co-dad.
What are you doing?
Being a dad!
Subject appears to be alive
and of toaster origin.
Indeed! Now, come on, Papa-two,
it's time for Toasty's first lesson.
Ah.
Reacts positively to bad singing.
Well, he also likes your cooking.
How fresh!
-Okay, Toasty, let's try this again.
-Mwah.
-Aw.
Great job, Toasty!
Failure.
Careful, he'll hear you!
So?
So, hearing he failed
can emotionally ruin him
and we'll never get great toast.
But why would you try
and make better toast,
if you're already telling him
he's doing the perfect toasty making?
You obviously have no idea how to parent.
Before a child can succeed, you need
to make them believe they can.
No, no, no, no, that's all wrong.
First, you stare at them
when they're asleep and awake.
You just always stare at them.
Then you put them through
rigorous and often painful tests.
And most importantly, you only call them
by their experiment number
to prevent any emotional attachment.
Okay, test subject 00001.
Let's try that again.
Toasty isn't some experiment
that accidentally became sentient.
What?
This is a living, breathing toaster
that we just so happened to give life to.
And I'm gonna make sure his life
is a happy and healthy one.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go give Toasty his bath.
Toasty hated his bath.
Oh, what now, he can't catch it because
you're the one with the parent issue.
He didn't catch it,
the kid doesn't have hands, terrible!
Ha?
James, this is your fault.
The toaster right?
-He's a little baby boy!
-Scuba diver's on you!
Man, that montage
really messed up our kid.
What are you talking about?
-He's just playing.
Either that or Toasty's starting to be
negatively affected by our disagreements.
See? Science doesn't lie.
Except for the moon landing.
Well, it's your fault we've been arguing.
According to my calculations,
it's your fault.
See, look, it's in my calculations.
What? I'm the positive parent here.
All you do is put him
in positions to fail.
Well, maybe he's failing
because he takes after you!
How dare you!
I've never failed at anything in my life.
Other than choosing you as a friend.
Well, maybe we shouldn't be friends.
Well, maybe we shouldn't.
Relax. Toasty's just expressing himself.
-Oh, my car!
He's just living his truth.
-My house!
It's okay, Toasty, you be you.
My legs!
That toaster took my legs!
I'm all out of platitudes.
Toasty, stop!
Wait, you'll stifle his creativity.
What if destroying things
could be the key to perfect toast?
Huh?
No more playing, Toasty!
Time to come... home?
Ice cream man?
A new phone!
Thank you so much, you kind souls--
Ice cream man!
-Mail, mail, mail, mail, mail!
Ha! Run, Toasty!
-Hiya!
Huh?
Toasty, this behavior
is completely unacceptable.
Come with me
and we'll do more tests on you.
Don't listen to him, Toasty.
You just need to channel your energy.
Come with me
and you'll grow to make perfect toast.
-Whoa!
Ya!
-Whoa!
Yes! You chose me!
-No!
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Are you hurt, Max?
Oh, uh... possibly internally.
What? What is this? What is this?
Something your father
clearly never gave you.
A hug.
I'm so cold.
Max, you're cold-blooded.
Oh, yeah!
I'm sorry. This is all my fault.
No, it's our fault.
We let our parenting get in the way
of what's really important.
Perfect breakfast.
And us. It's not perfect breakfast
without each other.
Ew, why are you so sweaty?
It's not sweat.
I got hungry!
How many slices do you think he has left?
Hmm. Three.
But two of those are end pieces
and everyone knows those aren't any good.
Huh?
Give it up, Toasty,
we have you outnumbered.
Huh?
Where's he going?
The Fün der bread factory?
Oh, man, he's gonna' love it there.
All the bread he could possibly want.
With that much ammo, he could burn
this whole town to the ground!
-Max, are you gonna be okay?
Go get our boy.
Aw. Hungy.
Toast!
Huh?
Toasty, please! It's our fault
you're this way, but you don't have to be.
Huh?
It's perfect.
No!
Well, I guess we know why
no one's created a smart toaster.
See? Everything worked out.
Aw. I wanna be a letter.
Now, that was
the perfect sleepover. Right, Max?
Aw, heck yeah!
And I slept like
a failed genetic experiment
gifted with human intelligence
and voice.
Well, that's an oddly specific metaphor,
considering that's exactly what you are!
And you're ripping my stuff.
But I'm just too gosh-darn thrilled
with our perfect sleepover to care!
Our game time was perfect.
The snacks were perfect.
And Mrs. Doubtcar
was the perfect movie rental.
Ha, I mean, what a twist!
I know!
And his dad was a car the whole time!
Hey, I threw it out the window.
And now to complete
our perfect sleepover...
With perfect breakfast!
We got eggies, taters,
and to finish it off,
what no breakfast can be complete without:
perfect toast!
Yeah!
Ooh!
Our perfect sleepover is ruined!
All I wanted was for us
to have the perfect sleepover.
And you ruined perfect breakfast.
Ooh, ow, ow!
I'm sorry, but why
do we have to put up with toasters?
Even though they have
seven different heat levels,
they'll still ignore all of them
and burn the bread anyway.
Yeah, what's up, toasters?
Man hasn't changed the toaster
in a hundred years.
How is it that we have
every smart appliance
from watches, to refrigerators,
but no one's created a smart toaster?
Why has no one
created a smart toaster?
Because it's our destiny!
I may not know exactly how
toasters or electricity works,
but I know we must have the technology
to allow the toaster to sense when
the bread is at its perfect toast level.
Like artificial intelligence.
Yes, like artificial intelligence.
Together, we'll create a new,
revolutionary toaster.
Yes!
One that can know
exactly when the toast is done.
Together, we'll change the world!
Tell 'em like you tell 'em.
Now all we need is an AI chip that can
make this toaster as smart as that fridge.
Great work, Max.
Now to change the world.
Oh, no, oh, no,
what do we do, what do we do?!
Hm. So that's how babies are made.
Oh. He's... so beautiful.
He has your eyes.
I'm gonna call you Toasty.
Aw, he looks like a Toasty.
And you're gonna make the best toast
the world has ever seen.
Toasty, Toasty, Toasty!
Oh, goodbye, perfect Christmas!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's just a baby.
Could you make perfect toast
when you were a baby?
Honey, look, we created life.
Interesting.
Now let's see how it feels
about electrocution.
No, you couldn't.
Well, not to worry.
If we raise Toasty right,
I'm sure he'll grow up to be
the perfect, little smart toaster.
Isn't that right?
Ready when you are, co-dad.
What are you doing?
Being a dad!
Subject appears to be alive
and of toaster origin.
Indeed! Now, come on, Papa-two,
it's time for Toasty's first lesson.
Ah.
Reacts positively to bad singing.
Well, he also likes your cooking.
How fresh!
-Okay, Toasty, let's try this again.
-Mwah.
-Aw.
Great job, Toasty!
Failure.
Careful, he'll hear you!
So?
So, hearing he failed
can emotionally ruin him
and we'll never get great toast.
But why would you try
and make better toast,
if you're already telling him
he's doing the perfect toasty making?
You obviously have no idea how to parent.
Before a child can succeed, you need
to make them believe they can.
No, no, no, no, that's all wrong.
First, you stare at them
when they're asleep and awake.
You just always stare at them.
Then you put them through
rigorous and often painful tests.
And most importantly, you only call them
by their experiment number
to prevent any emotional attachment.
Okay, test subject 00001.
Let's try that again.
Toasty isn't some experiment
that accidentally became sentient.
What?
This is a living, breathing toaster
that we just so happened to give life to.
And I'm gonna make sure his life
is a happy and healthy one.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go give Toasty his bath.
Toasty hated his bath.
Oh, what now, he can't catch it because
you're the one with the parent issue.
He didn't catch it,
the kid doesn't have hands, terrible!
Ha?
James, this is your fault.
The toaster right?
-He's a little baby boy!
-Scuba diver's on you!
Man, that montage
really messed up our kid.
What are you talking about?
-He's just playing.
Either that or Toasty's starting to be
negatively affected by our disagreements.
See? Science doesn't lie.
Except for the moon landing.
Well, it's your fault we've been arguing.
According to my calculations,
it's your fault.
See, look, it's in my calculations.
What? I'm the positive parent here.
All you do is put him
in positions to fail.
Well, maybe he's failing
because he takes after you!
How dare you!
I've never failed at anything in my life.
Other than choosing you as a friend.
Well, maybe we shouldn't be friends.
Well, maybe we shouldn't.
Relax. Toasty's just expressing himself.
-Oh, my car!
He's just living his truth.
-My house!
It's okay, Toasty, you be you.
My legs!
That toaster took my legs!
I'm all out of platitudes.
Toasty, stop!
Wait, you'll stifle his creativity.
What if destroying things
could be the key to perfect toast?
Huh?
No more playing, Toasty!
Time to come... home?
Ice cream man?
A new phone!
Thank you so much, you kind souls--
Ice cream man!
-Mail, mail, mail, mail, mail!
Ha! Run, Toasty!
-Hiya!
Huh?
Toasty, this behavior
is completely unacceptable.
Come with me
and we'll do more tests on you.
Don't listen to him, Toasty.
You just need to channel your energy.
Come with me
and you'll grow to make perfect toast.
-Whoa!
Ya!
-Whoa!
Yes! You chose me!
-No!
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Are you hurt, Max?
Oh, uh... possibly internally.
What? What is this? What is this?
Something your father
clearly never gave you.
A hug.
I'm so cold.
Max, you're cold-blooded.
Oh, yeah!
I'm sorry. This is all my fault.
No, it's our fault.
We let our parenting get in the way
of what's really important.
Perfect breakfast.
And us. It's not perfect breakfast
without each other.
Ew, why are you so sweaty?
It's not sweat.
I got hungry!
How many slices do you think he has left?
Hmm. Three.
But two of those are end pieces
and everyone knows those aren't any good.
Huh?
Give it up, Toasty,
we have you outnumbered.
Huh?
Where's he going?
The Fün der bread factory?
Oh, man, he's gonna' love it there.
All the bread he could possibly want.
With that much ammo, he could burn
this whole town to the ground!
-Max, are you gonna be okay?
Go get our boy.
Aw. Hungy.
Toast!
Huh?
Toasty, please! It's our fault
you're this way, but you don't have to be.
Huh?
It's perfect.
No!
Well, I guess we know why
no one's created a smart toaster.