Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 10 - Sidecars and Spermicide - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie.

Someone's coming
over there today.

They're gonna screen everybody,
and it's gonna be thorough.

Gloria, there's a
spot right over there.

- Am I okay?
- Yeah.

Why don't you keep going?

Ow! Stop! Whoa, whoa, Gloria!

Jesus, you're really in pain.

Well, I spoke to my sponsor.

I get a prescription for pain medication
from Coop, and you administer it.

Is two enough?



Dick Richards, D.E.A.
Diversion Control.

We're investigating the stolen
D.E.A. card of a Dr. Carrie Roman.

You know the drill, people.

- Well, I'm screwed.
- You don't have to worry
about anything, Jackie.

We will delay your testing
until your foot is healed.

She just went through detox
and now she's pushing me away.

There's nothing
you can do about it.

I can go to her boss.

What are you doing here?

I'm gonna take
her out for a coffee.

We can't have
sex in your office.

I don't want to have
sex in your office.

It's, like, more than that.

Oh, my God.



Jackie Peyton, these are
my boys, Tommy and Joey.

Hey, Mrs. Peyton.

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This is weird.

What?

Us making out on my mom's roof.

Whatever.

Our parents are probably
making out downstairs.

Hey, she isn't here, right?

Who? Your friend Antoinette.

Well, she's not my friend and
she's not here. Why? What's up?

Oh, fuck.

Uh, okay.

Uh, that coffee yesterday
wasn't just a coffee.

She was on a tear.
She said you were using.

She was gonna go to Akalitus.
So I took her out to dinner.

And you slept with my sponsor?

I'm an asshole.

It was wrong. A total mistake.

And it's never happening again,

which is exactly
what I told her.

And that did not
go over very well.

Hey, if it's not my
pal from Miami.

I think Jackie is using again.

What are you talking
about? She just got clean.

Come on, Frank. Wake up.

She's already dumped me.
She kicked you out of the house.

It's like she's having a fire
sale, getting rid of all of us.

I'm not gonna let this happen.

She's the type of woman that
doesn't tolerate being pushed away.

Nine calls from
her since midnight.

See? She's not backing down.

Guess who I just
got off the phone with.

Oh, no. She called you too?

Hey, Frank. Listen,
maybe I should go.

No, Eddie, you're all right.

Jack, Antoinette claims
you're using again.

Oh, does she really? I'm
also the queen of England.

She's pissed off at Eddie
'cause he kicked her out of bed.

- Hey.
- What the fuck
is wrong with you?

Okay, I'm done trying to help.

I'm leaving. I'll
see you at work.

All right.

So this Antoinette thing,
this is just crazy time, right?

What do you think?

Hey. Everybody sleep okay?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I was up
all night studying.

- All right, let's go.
- Tommy, stop.

Bus is leaving.

Had a good time last night.

Either I have low blood sugar,
or that jacket is making me sweat.

Question.

Should I go back to school
and get a master's degree?

Yes?

Sorry? What?

Every year I write
down the deadline...

for the nurse-practitioner
programs.

And then at 4:00 this
morning, I was like,

"Zoey Barkow, go for it."

Thoughts?

Jackie.

I think it's a great idea, Zoey.

- When's the deadline?
- Tonight.

Wow. Okay.

Other problem. There's an essay.

You love writing.
You have a blog.

- This is different.
- No, it's not.

We'll find you a patient. You'll
write it up just like your blog.

I am still thinking
about our helicopter sex.

What do you have
planned for us today?

Happy birthday, Dr. Cooper.

My birthday. Yeah, I know.

Happy birthday.

People!

Our friend the D.E.A.
agent is back with us again,

investigating Nancy Wood.

He will be
conducting interviews.

I am installing
him in my office...

so that together we
can all figure out...

who the hell stole
Dr. Roman's prescriber number.

Everyone must comply.

Female, 40s. Fell
down a flight of stairs.

Her name is Joan.
She has M.S. Hi, Joan.

Here's a list of
her medications.

Her last relapse was
three months ago.

Call Radiology and let's
get some blood tests.

On three. One, two, three.

- Mark.
- I'm here, hon. I'm here.

It's my fault. Oh, come on. You
were clumsy before M.S., remember?

You have a very
dedicated husband.

How's the foot?
Do you need a pill?

Uh, yeah. Just one.

Thank you. Next topic.

Your friend Antoinette, she called
wanting to meet. What's this about?

You have got to be kidding me.

She knows that you've
been winning at poker.

She wants to sell you a condo.

Why would I want a
condo? That's what I told her.

This woman has no boundaries.

You got your hands
full with the D.E.A.

I will handle this. Okay?

Oh, God.

- Jackie?
- Do not call me.

Do not call my friends.

Do not show up at my
work. I fucking mean it.

Don't hang up. Do
you understand?

Look, I shouldn't even
be talking to you about this.

I should be talking
to my sponsor,

who will not pick up
her fucking phone.

I... I'm sorry. I need a drink.

Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hold on a second.

All right. I'm here. Talk to me.

No. God, I am such
a shitty sponsor.

Let's just focus on you for a
minute. We should focus on you.

I haven't even
gotten you clean yet.

Just forget about sponsors, forget about
the program. Just tell me what's going on.

I'm just such a fucking mess.

I haven't been dumped in years.

I haven't even slept with
anyone in God knows how long.

Do you have any idea how hard this is
to deal with sober? Look, take a breath.

Can you make it eight hours
without drinking, do you think?

Maybe.

All right, I'm
gonna get off work,

I'm gonna take you to dinner,
and I will talk you through this.

- You got it?
- Yeah.

In the meantime, go shopping.

Okay? Go to Saks. Call me
when you have spent 500 bucks.

Great, I'll call
you in 15 minutes.

Oh, no. Running in heels.

It's Coop's birthday?
I totally forgot.

How? He save-the-dated
us all weeks ago.

I don't read group e-mails.

Look, full disclosure. We
slept together last night...

and twice this morning.

And that's not gift enough?

I think I have real
feelings for him.

That said, I totally
don't have a real gift.

- Okay, any gift.
- Is there a point here?

You know Coop. Is there anything that I can
get him within, like, a two-block radius?

Come with me.

Say it's from you. What is it?

Do you really
care? It's wrapped.

Should I write a card?

Were you raised by wolves?

Patient stories from today.

Kidney stone. Appendicitis.

M.S. lady. Chest pain guy.

You should write about
something nonemergent.

The essay is about
primary care, right?

It's Grace.

Hi.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can talk.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I think you need to speak
to your mother about this.

Um, do you want me...

to see if I can find
her, wherever she is?

'Cause she's not near me.

Hello?

Did she hang up?

What's up?

Grace wants me to
help her get birth control.

Are you fucking kidding me?

She's 15. Yeah, she is.

But does she have a
boyfriend or a guy that she likes?

Oh, shit.

Frank's son stayed
over last night.

I put him in Fiona's room,

but the two of them were looking
a little chummy this morning.

Oh, that fucker.

Yeah, that's tricky. It's not
tricky if it's not happening.

I go, "Hey, Jesus is in your
subway. Now it's your problem."

Hey.

Your boys cannot be at my house.

I need the room.

You need to control
your fucking son.

Grace just asked
for birth control.

All right, first of
all, calm yourself.

Tommy's a gentleman and
he just met her last night.

So you can't hang this on him.

Did you ever consider for a second
she's asking for some other guy?

Wow. We're done.
This isn't working.

Hold on. We're done? Yeah. I
need to protect Grace right now.

Bullshit. Whatever this
is, it ain't about Grace.

You know what?
You're right. It isn't.

This is about me not
wanting to be with you.

Wow.

Okay.

That's exactly what Antoinette
said was gonna happen.

Yeah, fucking Antoinette.
Of course she did.

Yeah. She said you were
gonna choose the drugs over us.

I mean, that's what
you're doing, aren't you?

And you're blaming
it on our children.

You want to know what I'm
doing? I'm taking care of myself.

And what am I doing? I just went
through five days of hell with you.

Yeah, and then afterwards
you said you'd never do it again.

Because I don't want you
to be a fucking drug addict.

Take all the time
you need to pack.

I want you out of my house.

Fuck!

Excuse me.

Where can I get
some water, please?

Right down the
hall. Uh, wait, I...

What happened?

You fainted.

Mmm. Great.

Sympathetic falling. Joan
goes down, I go down.

How's she doing? She's fine.

However, your B.P. is high. Oh.

Are you on any medications? No. Look,
I'd really like to go see if Joan is okay.

When's the last time
you saw a doctor?

I don't know.

Right. This is Zoey
Barkow, nurse-practitioner.

She will be your primary
care provider for today.

She's gonna give you a
full physical on the house.

Sir, I am going to start
by examining your eyes.

Please look straight
ahead. This will not hurt.

Worst birthday ever.

Just got interrogated
by a D.E.A. agent...

and the only person who
got me a gift was Zoey.

Birthday brioche.

Oh. Well, not the only person.

Ta-da.

Oh, I thought you forgot,

seeing how you didn't
say anything this morning.

Yeah, 'cause we
were sort of busy.

Also, I wanted to surprise
you with this awesome present.

Oh, what is it?
Wait, don't tell me.

Okay.

Kevin Costner Explores
America's Indian Heritage.

It's amazing.

I love it. Oh, my God.
How did you know?

That you love Kevin Costner?

That I'm obsessed with early
American history. Did I tell you?

No. Well, you didn't have to.

I just know you.

It's perfect.

You're perfect.

Mmm.

Oh, hey, check out
what Carrie got me.

History of Native Americans.

Oh, right, because didn't you
live in a tepee for all of third grade?

Mmm, fourth, but yes.

Oh, this isn't as good
as Carrie's gift, but here.

Oh.

A neck pillow.

Oh, and...

a wind chimes CD.

Awesome.

Love me some chimes.
That's so thoughtful, Thor.

Happy birthday, Coop.

Wind chimes. So lame.

Dr. Friedman,
extension 342, please.

You can't be here.

I am absolutely mortified.

I'm so ashamed that I
got you involved in this.

I mean, I've broken every
rule of being a good sponsor.

I just wanted to tell you
I can handle this myself.

All right. It's not
like I can't relate.

Yeah. I'm a big girl.

Gonna get my shit
together really soon.

And then you and I
are gonna sit down...

and we're gonna start all
over again and get you clean.

- Jackie Peyton?
- Yes.

Can we get dinner
anyway for both of us?

I already made the reservation.

Sure. I'll talk to you later.

Hi.

Have a seat.

Look, I'm gonna
be straight with you.

I am a former drug addict.

I was in treatment two years
ago. I've been sober ever since.

I go to meetings a couple
times a week. I have a sponsor.

But I understand why my name might
come up during something like this,

so I am happy to answer any
and all questions you might have.

I was using on
the job for years.

Do you know how many
evidence files got lost up my nose?

Wow.

Okay.

It's not what I was
expecting, but...

it's inspiring to see
somebody else making it work.

Yeah.

I did some pretty low shit.

Once I checked into rehab...

just to get out of going to
my own mother's funeral.

But recovery stuck.

I've been clean ever since.

Congratulations. That's great.

So...

Did you steal Dr. Roman's
prescriber number?

No, I did not.

Thank you, Nurse
Peyton. We're done here.

How'd it go? Fine. I
just told him the truth.

So...

this is what it feels
like on the other side.

Mrs. Akalitus,

says here you got a prescription
yesterday from Dr. Cooper.

Vicodin.

Yes. Arthritis.

I was having a
flare-up with my feet,

so I asked Dr. Cooper
for a prescription.

Hmm.

Well, then it seems
a little surprising...

that your urine analysis
came back clean.

Zero traces of Vicodin.

Care to explain?

You have left
ventricular strain...

due to your high blood pressure.

This could lead to
a fatal heart attack,

the kind we call a widow-maker.

Jesus.

No. It's all great.

Because all of this
can be prevented.

I'm going to prescribe you
H.C.T.Z. for your hypertension.

Actually, I'm not
allowed to do that yet.

Dr. Cooper will.

And...

Is this your personal
phone number?

Think of it like a bat
phone for your health.

If you have a question
about a medication,

call me.

If you have a question
about a recipe, call me.

Don't be a hero.

If you want to be there for your
wife, you gotta take care of yourself.

Capisce?

Capisce.

Bat phone. Nice touch.

I figured that's
what you would do.

I'm not a nurse-practitioner.

No, but kind of you are, just
without the piece of paper.

And the extra $20,000 a year.

I'm proud of you, Zoey, you
know, for going after all this.

Good, because I wanted to ask if
you'd write me a recommendation.

Yeah. Of course.
I would love to.

Soon as you finish
your essay. Ugh!

I hate you.

I love you.

Grace.

Honey, you need to tell me.

Are you having sex? What?

No, and it's none
of your business.

You need to come to
me for this, not Zoey.

I am your mother.
Do you understand?

First of all, just because
you are on birth control...

does not mean that
you have to have sex.

Second of all, if you do decide
to have sex, you will need this.

Okay?

Without this, there is still an 8%
chance that you will get pregnant.

You may also get
H.P.V., H.I.V., herpes,

chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis,

lice, crabs, a whole
host of other diseases...

I would happily go
into greater detail about.

Would you like me
to explain spermicide?

No, please stop. Okay.

I've made an appointment for you
to see a gynecologist next week.

I will be taking you.
Do you understand?

A sidecar.

It's cognac, Grand Marnier,

lemon juice, sugar on the rim.

Iced tea. Tea, ice.

I should never have
slept with Eddie.

God, that's what
triggered all this.

Look, relationships
are tricky...

under the best of circumstances.

Sometimes you
just gotta move on.

You know, you can just
answer that. No, it's Frank.

How is Frank?

Moving on.

Are you okay?

Just got a lot of shit
going on at work.

I could take 20 Oxy
right now, no problem.

Man, we are in
really sorry shape.

I think we should
just move in together...

and pull some Laverne
and Shirley shit.

Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe you
were right about rehab.

Seriously?

It would keep me from having
to face a whole lot of people...

I don't want to
deal with right now.

Wow, the last time
I brought up rehab,

you totally flipped a switch.

I don't know. Maybe
I'm coming around.

Maybe we could go in together.

It might be nice to go in with
someone. You know, less lonely.

I'm gonna change
my fantasy drink.

I don't want that Grand
Marnier. I want Cointreau.

Oh, my God, Cointreau.

My drink.

If I'm going to rehab,
I'm going there high.

Waiter. Yes, ma'am.

Can I have a sidecar
with Cointreau, sugar rim?

Yeah, fuck Laverne and Shirley.

Let's go all Thelma and Louise.

Uh, didn't they
drive off a cliff?

Oh, my God. I
totally forgot that part.

What? I just remembered
all the fun bits.

You forgot the ending?
Who forgets the ending?

Alcoholics. Oh, right.

Oh, boy.

Been waiting 10 years for this.

If you're going off a
cliff, I'm going with you.

Oh. You okay?

Could I have another
one right away?

Yes, ma'am. Thanks, brother.

Here we go.

Ah!

What the fuck?

Watch your head, lady.

Oh!

Here we go. Come on, Louise.

Wait. Are you Thelma?

Which are you?

Antoinette Mills. I
called to reserve a bed.

Oh.

A bed?

We...

You're not going with me?

Miss Mills, please
come this way.

Oh, wow.

I've seen a lot of
addicts pull a lot of shit.

Miss Mills.

But this is fucked up.

She's had a rough night.
She's probably dehydrated.

Oh, fuck you, Jackie.

You're fucking toxic.

I feel sorry for anyone who
has anything to do with you.

You know what? I'm done.

Oh, wow.

And I never want
to see you again.

Fucking cunt.

Let's go.

Sometimes it's
hard getting them in.

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