Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 8 - Monkey Bits - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

Look, I've been in the States

for just over two weeks
with someone else.

And I didn't want to have
to tell Ellie that I'd been here

and not called her right away.

I get it. I really do get it.

Take your hands off me.

I wish that I could.

What is hospital policy
regarding lost or found drugs?

Don't worry about
it. I'll take care of it.

Whoa. Why so desperate?



Do you want to
get your ass kicked?

You know this is pretend, right?

How long do I get to keep it on?

Don't run so fast.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Daddy! Mom!

"Real blood."

One of my nurses needs
a pediatric psych referral.

Which one?

She'd rather not say.

I don't make her
anxious. I'm here.

Of course you're here. Where
the hell else you gonna be?

You're a fucking bartender!

I just... I need
to take a breath.



Well, listen, take a couple.

Just don't think I'm, you know,

sitting at home
waiting by the phone.

Yeah, where are you now?

Home.

Fiona, sweetheart,

I just want you to know
you're not in any trouble

and you haven't
done anything wrong.

I know.

And you're in a safe place.

And you can tell me anything

and you'll still be
in a safe place.

Do you understand?

Like what?

Well, what about your cast?

It's my show and tell.

It's got blood on it, "real
blood." It says so right there.

Hey, you want to
tell me about that?

That's from my
lip. I got stitches.

See? Look.

Whoa. Those are good stitches.

Hey, what did they say
at the doctor's office?

Did anybody talk to
your mom and dad?

We didn't go to
the doctor's office.

We sewed it up in our kitchen.

In your kitchen? Okay.

Hey, Fiona, honey,
who knows you got hurt

besides your mom and dad?

Of course not!

The arm's not broken!
You know that, right?

I mean, jeez, it's
just a cast, okay?

She wanted it for show and
tell. Her mother is a nurse.

Yes.

All right, yeah, of
course. I understand.

Look, listen. Listen.

Let me talk to
my wife, all right?

Before everybody goes nuts here.

Okay. Yeah. Good, fine.

Shit.

What can I tell you, people?

I'm working with one hand
tied behind my back here.

The budget is the budget,
can't do anything about that.

Be that as it may,

it's my job to squeeze every
last bit out of my resources.

To that end, I'm
assessing your performance

and I'm not doing it privately.

Zoey.

Good.

Thor. Improving.

Sam, you need work.

Jackie... Don't
even think about it.

Wouldn't dream of it.

Jackie, Sam is gonna
shadow you this morning.

Watch and learn, young man.

Always watching,
always learning.

Whatever it is, work it out.

I do not like that guy.

I do not care.

Take it up with HR.

I'd be happy to go to HR.

Shouldn't you be peeing
in a cup somewhere?

Shouldn't you?

Hey, Kev, what's up?

Spagnolo wants us
to explain the cast.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Nope.

You know, Spagnolo needs to
mind his own goddamn business.

If every parent of every
kid who showed up

with a black eye
or a chipped tooth

had to explain themselves
when we were kids,

can you fucking imagine?

I know, I'm with you.

Oh, shit. What?

I gotta take Grace
to Dr. Bowen at 4:00.

Oh, fuck. The shrink. I forgot.

All right, let me take
her. I'll take Grace.

Okay, great, yes. You
handle Grace, I'll handle Fiona.

Jackie...

May I help you?

I need a Town Car and a saw.

You're a real little day
brightener, aren't you?

I try. Great.

Can you leave that on?

Can I?

And the lab coat and the badge.

It just gets better and better.

Did everybody see how carefully

Dr. O'Hara used her
saw to free Fiona's arm?

Yes.

The arm that was
not actually broken.

How does it feel, Miss Fiona?

Itchy. Tingly.

Now, children. Had this
been an actual broken bone,

Fiona's arm would
be quite bruised

and she wouldn't be able
to wiggle her fingers like this.

Wiggle your fingers, sweetheart.

Are we satisfied?

Real blood, fake cast.

Here you go.

Okay, everyone,
happy show and tell!

Lives to save. Shall we?

Bye.

Bye.

Is everything okay
with you guys?

Not really. And not now.

Okay.

It's not that I'm unwilling to
discuss it, but just not here.

Of course.

Jacks.

What if I came to
Queens tonight?

And what if you
and Kevin and I had

a bottle of scotch and a plate
of those little monkey bits?

Buffalo wings? Yeah.

Fucking appalling.

You got it.

You can stop laughing. You...

You grabbed an
old lady's breasts

and she keeled over
and died. It's pretty funny.

Wait, remember that
time in ninth grade when

What's-her-face's mom waited up
till, like, 4:00 in the morning, pissed,

standing in the doorway in her
ratty old robe with a cup of coffee?

And you kept
reaching for her tits

and I kept having to
hold your arm down.

Oh.

What about you?

What about me?

No, 'cause I know this
guy, a little bit older,

smart, likes all that indie crap
you like. Public radio. Mmm?

Might go to plays, I'm not sure.

Really cool.

Mmm-mmm.

Ooh. Gunshot coming in.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

All right, this guy, is
he anything like you?

Total opposite.

Count me in.

Great. I'll set you up.

24-year-old female found down

Union Square,
witnessed fall, came to.

Not another skinny chick
from .Vogue skipping breakfast

and passing out on the subway.

Pump her with fluids
and get her out of the way,

we've got a gunshot
coming. I want the gunshot.

Excuse me, I'm your gunshot.

Assholes.

And by the way, I'm
at .Allure, not Vogue.

So fucking bite me.

I stand corrected.

So there was, like, a
pop on the platform,

but I was halfway in the
train, so I couldn't really tell.

Which train? The Six.

So you live where, Union Square?

Gramercy. Anyway...

Mind your business.
Quit picking on me.

Just her way of showing
how much she likes you.

Been there and
done that. I'm sorry?

Excuse me. The
bullet in my head.

Where we at with CT?

Neuro's on it.

You need a CT
to find the bullet?

It's right here, frontal lobe.

We need to know exactly
which vessels are affected.

They were trying
to avoid a bleed.

Oh, my God.

New York Mag, "If
looks could cure."

Took me till now.

If I make it out of surgery,
you want to get a drink?

Surgery's gonna be a breeze.

Cool.

Do not make promises
you cannot keep.

Dr. Cooper, neuro's
gonna meet you in the OR.

Is there anybody you
want me to contact?

My mom.

I'm so scared.

Lily, look at me.
Do I look scared?

No.

If I'm not scared, you
shouldn't be scared.

There's a lot going on.

I will be there
when you wake up.

Okay. Okay?

Thank you.

Do you fucking mind?

I don't think he's a good
candidate for tough love.

I didn't ask.

Copy that.

Excuse me, sir.
Sir... Can I help you?

My husband's in
respiratory failure

and they wouldn't let
me ride in the ambulance.

I need to sit.

Yes, you probably do. Yes.

Have you seen him?
What's his name?

Markus Franke.

Where's Markus Franke?

O'Hara. Trauma one.

All right. Come with me.

He was changing a light bulb.

That's what he was
doing, changing a light bulb.

I'm John Decker.

Jackie Peyton, nice to meet you.

You will thank me.

I will not thank you.

What on earth makes
you think I need an assist?

No, no, no. I'm doing it
more for her than you.

I'm telling you, you're
right up her alley.

Yeah, well, news flash.
I'm up a lot of girls' alleys.

Did that come out wrong?

Actually, it did. But the
point is, I'm good, Coop.

I'm good. Yeah.

But the question is
could you be better?

The thing is, I am
seeing someone.

But to tell you the truth,
sometimes it doesn't feel like

that much of a two-way
street, if you get my drift.

Not sure that I do.

Hey! What's up, All Saints?

What's up?

Do you believe that?

Sadly, Coop, I do.

See, that's
Georgia. Just saying.

When was that taken?

This morning. Right?

Hmm?

I'm in.

Yeah? Yeah.

That chair belongs in admitting.

Leave him alone, Gloria.
He's not going anywhere.

Did I ask him to go anywhere?

Sir, did I ask you
to go anywhere?

No, ma'am, you did not.

Excuse me.

Zoey, go around.

No, I meant "excuse me" because
I thought I might bump into him,

not "excuse me" because
I want him to move.

Excuse me, I'm right here.

And I, for one, do
not want you to move.

Can I get you anything? Diet
Coke? Meal tray? Ensure?

No, thank you.

Hospital's got a new handyman?

No, he is a paper hanger and
his husband's in respiratory failure.

Oh.

I'm Dr. Cooper.

Welcome to All
Saints. John Decker.

Ordinarily, I'd say,
"Pleased to meet you,"

but I'm not pleased to
meet anyone, right now.

Got it.

It might comfort you to
know that I have two moms.

Comfort me why?

Because you're married

to a guy.

He's a mess.

And thank you
for paving the way.

Can I not be gay right now?

Can I just be a guy
whose spouse is dying?

Can I have that, please?

You're John?

I am.

Could we have a
word in my office?

What's wrong with right here?

Blocking the hallway,
not that it matters.

I want to stay nearby. Twenty-six
years, we got this far, right?

Jackie.

Chest pains are not uncommon
with these particular meds, however,

patient proceeded to go
into respiratory failure which...

I'm sorry, you just...

My stomach got a little...

when you called him "patient."

How about he's
Markus, until he's not?

My concern at this stage of
the game is that the body's failing

and the heart wants to follow
suit, but the defib won't let it.

What I think is that
you need to speak

with Dr. Hayes from cardiology,

who may or may
not broach the subject

of deactivating your
husband's defibrillator.

Well, Dr. Hayes is
gonna have to come to us.

We're not going to him.

Her. Her.

What's he at?

His sat's at 80.

He's not in any pain, is he?

No. No.

He has more brains asleep
than Einstein had awake.

For the record.

Lily's out of surgery.

In a minute, Zoey.

They saved the bullet. Yuck.

Who takes the last glove and
leaves the box on the counter?

My bad. "When you are
wrong, promptly admit it."

That's from AA.

You are deeply sober.

How are you doing
over there, Mr. Decker?

How do you think?

Who do you think
made all these pictures?

I think her patients
probably made them.

Am I a patient?

Well, let's see if we
like Dr. Bowen first.

I think it would be
good to be a patient.

Those hard to change?

Catheter? No. It's very easy.

"Sing to him,
each spring to him,

"and worship the
trousers that cling to him."

That's Rodgers and Hart.
You probably didn't know that.

No, I probably didn't.

Dr. Hayes is on her
way, EKG in hand.

He's quite elegant, isn't he?

You think it's crazy
that a guy like him

would spend his life
with a guy like me, huh?

Don't think it's crazy at all.

I think it's a little crazy.

Mr. Decker.

Okay, I will leave
you two alone.

There are three of us.

Indeed there are. I'm sorry.

How did it go with Dr. Bowen?

.I think she likes her.

Well, that's good, right?
Can you put Gracie on?

She doesn't want
to talk to you, babe.

I'm sorry. I don't
know what to do.

Do you want me to ask her again?

No, let her be. Bye.

Do you ever suddenly hate
the way your hair stuff smells?

That looks about right.

So she's got other
people in her life?

You know, what are you gonna do?

For whatever it's worth,
it is possible to love

more than one person at a time.

I love Kevin. I love Eddie.

I might love Eddie.

I'd rather be dead
than be Kevin or Eddie.

Don't get me wrong, I liked
Sarah, but I'm glad she's gone.

What can I say? I
like being your girl.

Jackie, I'm one short
for half a shift. I need you.

You can't have me.
What's going on?

Guy was a lawyer,
he's got a DNR,

husband signed
for the deactivation

and now he's back-pedaling.

So, he's not ready.

I've got an eighth grade
cello recital in 45 minutes.

Same thing happened
during the Christmas concert.

I just wanted to say good night.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

How do they, you know, when...

The cardiologist
didn't tell you?

I don't like her.

Well, Dr. Hayes will

wave a little device
over his heart.

It just takes a
couple of seconds.

And whatever he has in
there, pacemaker, defibrillator...

Record players,
sewing machines...

Yes, it'll all be turned off.

And what if we leave it on?

Well, his body's failing.

And eventually, his
heart will stop beating,

but the defibrillator
will shock it back to life.

So the heart will
just continue to beat.

But the rest of
him will be gone?

It's a quality-of-life thing.

My life's gonna suck either way.

And if we deactivate it?

Well, he will go back to
the heart he was born with.

Which is a shitty heart,
you know what I mean?

More than you know.

Okay, we're getting there.

Will it hurt when
they turn it off?

No.

Just wondering how
we're doing in here.

What's the matter, you got
someplace else you gotta be?

Am I keeping you? Is he
fucking with your schedule?

Lucky for you, this is
going down on my timeline.

My timeline.

I say when, not you, not
her, not them assholes

in the other room who still
want their fucking chair back.

I say when. Me, John Decker.

I have four hours of overtime.

Going, going...

Who has seniority?

Zoey Barkow, you want the shift?

Oh, my God, I'm so flattered.

Don't be. All you
did was get here first.

I'm still flattered.

The Jell-O and the broth
treating you all right?

Fine, thanks.

Hey, what'd I tell you?
Surgery was a breeze.

Was I right or was I right?

Jackie, thought you left.

I heard you saved the bullet.

Check it out.

Are you afraid to touch it?

A little.

You owe me a drink.

Mmm. Top of my list.

May I?

That was in my brain.

Which is fine, by the way.

Yes, I heard.

You said you were going
to be there when I woke up.

It was the only reason I
didn't completely lose my shit.

I know, honey. And then the day

just sort of got away
from me. I'm sorry.

Do you want me to
get rid of this for you?

I want you to hang on to it.

Keep your fucking promises.

Monkey bits for the ladies.

Ooh.

Welcome to the Red Owl.

This may very
well turn out to be

my favorite place on the planet.

No Sarah tonight, huh?

What? I like her. She's great.

Oh, fuck. Sorry.

No. Nonsense
regarding apologies.

And double nonsense regarding
putting that back on the shelf.

That stays right here.

No, no, come on.
You're my guest.

I drink a lot.

I have a lot.

Okay, that... So, you both win.

Here's to us.

You were a big hit
with the second grade.

Probably helped us dodge a
bullet from Protective Services.

Don't even kid.

Yo, Eddie, what's up?

Hey.

Oh, my God, he's completely mad.

Kevin, Jackie, I want
you to meet Georgia.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, I'm Eddie.
You look familiar.

Oh, isn't that funny?

She's a friend of
mine from work.

There's no reason
you would know her.

No. No. I know I know you.

I'm assuring you, you don't.

He's just saying
you look familiar.

So what do we drink? Scotch.
Somebody means business.

I'm not getting back
on your bike if you drink.

Then I guess I'll have
a Coke and a smoke.

Can I have a large
Coca-Cola with a lot of ice

and whatever the
cutie is having?

I hate making out with smokers.

Well, no one's got a
gun to your head. Right?

So, how did you guys meet?

My buddy, Coop, introduced us.

Hey, Jackie, don't you work
with a guy named Coop?

Oh, God, Jacks, do you know
what? God, I completely forgot.

It's really important. What?

Kev, it's been
delightful as always.

Come on. You're leaving?

You know what, honey? I
should go with her, okay?

It's been a rough day.

And lovely to meet
you, Georgia, is it?

Yes, yes.

Kev, your machine's broken.

You know what? It's
only working with quarters.

Thanks, honey,
I'll see you later.

Nice to meet you.

Take your cigs, take your girl,

get the fuck out of my bar.

Thanks, Jackie.