Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - Caregiver - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

I think I'm pregnant.

Apparently, there's been
a problem with shrinkage.

No! Not "apparently."

You paid a
publicist, didn't you?

I have a publicist, yes,

but that is not why I
was chosen for the list

of the best 25
doctors in Manhattan.

Your accent, London with
a touch of Sussex, right?

Indeed.

I'm kind of an Anglophile.



How convenient. I'm an Anglo.

I have a girlfriend.

So do I.

Do not take it out on him.

Who? Who am I taking it out on?

Thor. He's diabetic.
You know that, right?

It's Nurse Jackie. Really?

She constantly challenges
my decisions, is bossy and rude.

My house, my kids? Are
you out of your fucking mind?

I can't just turn
it off like you can.

I didn't turn it off, Eddie.

Do you want to know what your
problem is? You're fucking greedy.

Didn't you practice?

That's not very nice, Kaitlyn.



Okay, I told you
not to scold my child.

I asked your child to make a
little bit of room for my child.

And I think I said, "Please."

She said that her mom was
Dad's girlfriend before you.

Oh, please.

Oh, I made too much
Tater Tot hot dish

so I thought I'd
bring some over.

Kaitlyn says you guys
order a lot of pizza.

Yes. We happen to love pizza.

Really? Alice in Wonderland?

It was with the girls. And
dinner, too. We went to dinner.

Oh, dinner and a movie. With?

Kaitlyn and... Ginny?

Yeah. Yeah.

Ugh!

Come on. It was a
last-minute thing, Jackie.

May have been last minute
on your part, not on hers.

I can promise you that.

Are you jealous of Ginny Flynn?

Last minute. Please.

That woman has been planning
what to wear since high school.

You're nuts.

Did she happen to mention
that her marriage is falling apart?

Seriously, Jackie, you're nuts.

Seriously, Kevin, you're mine.

Oh. Shit.

What?

I'm sleeping on the couch.

What?

Jackie... No, I gotta.

Why? Because we went to a movie?

You're overreacting.

No, I am reacting.

I get to react, okay?

What just happened back there?

You come strolling
in at 2:00 a.m.

I wanted to see that
movie. I told you that.

Baby, you were working.

Well, then you should've
called me or texted me.

Why didn't you call me?

'Cause I was afraid you'd
end up sleeping on the couch.

Well, congratulations
on being right.

See where that gets you.

Is Johnny Depp married?

Um... Yes, honey,
I believe he is.

We saw .Alice in Wonderland.

You did?

Tim Burton.

You need to see it.

I do?

You'll really like it.

Okay. Done.

You shouldn't be
sleeping on the couch.

Oh, the unsinkable Ginny Flynn.

With all the stab wounds
and gunshots we get,

you would think that
one of them could be her.

And we'd let her
bleed to death, yes?

Is that bad?

My two cents? Yes, please.

No sleeping on couches.

It makes people, i.e.,
husbands, ask questions

like, "Is something wrong?
Can we talk?" Etcetera.

No good comes of it. Believe me.

Not to mention the fact
that that couch kills my back.

Makes me totally useless.

You are many things, Jacks,
useless is not among them.

You're very sweet.

You need anything,
half a Percocet,

you let me know. Yes, I will.

This is the Holy Land's
most volatile shrine.

She's great. I like her.

Mmm, she is, isn't she?

Violence here has escalated
into prolonged conflict.

She's leaving Gaza to
take a desk in Washington.

Is that right? How
do you know that?

I know her. Really? Wow.

Swanky life.

Yeah. Terribly swanky.

God.

Last call for Percocet.

No, no, it's too
hard on the liver.

Only if you take it in
obscene quantities.

Really? You know Sarah Khouri?

God, I could not love her more.

Yeah, well...

Will this be one of those times?

Get in line.

Oh.

Is this a good time?

Sorry.

Quick and painless.

I don't know about painless.

Well, then here's to quick.

Mmm.

Hate you. What'd I do?

Not that I'd wish
diabetes on any of you,

but look at the
shit I have to eat.

Wasa bread? Ugh!

I love wasa bread.

Kind of my point, it's not
a very glamorous food.

Seriously, diabetes,
not a glamorous disease.

I don't know. Mary Tyler
Moore's pretty glamorous.

Yeah, but her glamour
comes more from her

business acumen and alcoholism.

Big diff. Suit yourself.

Halle Berry, type one.

I'm not a big baby person,
but have you seen her kid?

Her kid is like gorgeous.

You okay? Why,
what have you heard?

People, let it be
known, let it be known!

For the time being,
Miguel from admitting

will be stationed
at the Pill-O-Matix.

Sorry? You heard me.

Until the narcotics situation
is resolved to my satisfaction,

Miguel will be in the pharmacy.

You need an ID badge
to get into the pharmacy.

Any nut job can
walk into admitting.

Stupidest thing I
ever heard. Really.

Tell your nurses
to keep their noses

out of the oxy. How about that?

You are making things worse.

Mmm-mmm.

Ow!

Percocet?

Yes, please.

38-year-old male
construction worker.

Witnessed a fall from a
second-story scaffolding.

No habla, any of them.

Hey, Zoey. What's up?

Respiration is
spontaneous and unlabored.

Large whack to the
back of the head.

Probably broke a couple ribs.

Let's call up for a scan
and see what we got.

On my count. One two three.

You look nice, very pretty.

You're rocking a little glow.

I Know, okay? Shut up.

Gun! Gun.

Jackie Peyton,
armed and dangerous.

Do not tempt me.

Security! Pharmacy.

Jesus Christ.

Make yourself useful.

Hey, Kev.

I thought the worst thing about
sleeping on the couch would be

how it fucks up my
back, but I was wrong.

It was waking up without
you next to me. So, there.

Call me back.

Ew. He needs stitches.

Squishy.

Two things. Dr. Cooper, I
need a word alone with you.

I heard there was a gun. Check
his belongings, proof of registration.

If he's not carrying it, get
security to cuff him to the bed rail.

He's unconscious.
Out like a light.

Sleeping like a baby.

Don't care.

The upside is she
does rise to the occasion

when there's, like,
a gun or something.

Most of the time,
she just comes off...

I didn't ask you here
to talk about Jackie.

No?

No.

You're a very good-looking
man, Dr. Cooper.

Oh, man. See, this
always happens.

I'm flattered, Gloria.

And I love older women,
so it's not that, but...

Okay, stop. I'm heartbroken.

Dr. Cooper, I have been
saddled with the task

of attracting more
insured patients.

A better grade of clientele.

In a word, yes.

Our friends at the Sussman
Foundation are interested

in making meaningful
contributions

to a distinguished
medical facility,

not a ramshackle
urgent care center.

We're distinguished.

Not like we were 30 years ago.

I was five. Yeah.

And given your
recent write-up... Ah!

I see what you're getting at.

You want me to show up
at a couple of black ties,

deliver a few speeches.
Tell me when and where.

Hobnobbing is my gift,
that and really tiny stitches.

We want to launch a citywide
campaign, buses, subway stops,

featuring you as
the face of All Saints.

So, no speeches?

Not ruling it out.

Do I get paid?

I've had legal
draw up a little...

Take a look.

I'll totally give the
money to charity.

Or new skis. No! Charity's
better, yes? Charity.

I'd like to have my
team give it a look-see.

By all means.

Mostly charity.

Did you catch anybody
stealing drugs yet?

Nope.

Did you lock the gun up yet?

Nope.

If I leave my post, I create
an opportunity for theft.

When do you eat?
When do you pee?

Classified.

You're all idiots.

Pretty much.

Well, if you need me to bring you
lunch or a bedpan, let me know.

12:38.

I'll leave you two
to fold the flag.

Tough nut to crack,
that one. But so worth it.

Couldn't agree more.

Death kit.

Shall we?

Look how small.
They used to be bigger.

I mean, not huge, but
they covered everything.

Sucks.

May I have a word?

What happened to the death
kits? Why are they so skimpy?

Half the price, Miss Barkow.

Yes, but now it takes
two kits to cover one body.

How's that saving
anybody any money?

Don't think so hard.

Like I can help it.

You okay? Yes.

And why do people
keep asking me that?

Give me your hand.

Reflexology, acupuncture, stuff
corresponding with other stuff.

Ooh! What was that?

Huh. Something's
up with your uterus.

Am I gonna get my period?

Couldn't tell you.

But, yeah, something
is definitely...

I know. Stop.

I'm on the phone
with my attorneys.

And I am buying chap
stick for the queen.

Hey, Mom. Can you put Mom
on? I have a legal question.

Let's go. Get some gloves.

80-year-old female, vital signs
are stable, altered mental status.

Undomiciled?

No, smell coming in the hallway.

Neighbors thought she
was dead. Called the cops.

I need you. Handle this.

May I help you?

I need you to come
to lunch with me.

I can't do it.

Then I need you to kill Sam.

You're a big girl.
Kill him yourself.

I'm begging you.

Please use your powers
as his direct superior.

Tell him to stop
cruising doctors.

You made your own bed.

Yes, I know! But it was a
one-night stand. Not even.

A bump in the
chapel. And now he's...

I hope by "big" you meant tall.

Please stop looking at me.

A lot of people. And Carolyn.
Carolyn comes for lunch.

You know she comes...
We have lunch on Thursdays.

But no, no wigs. No wigs.

Sometimes, you
know, she wears a fall.

Mmm-hmm.

The hair is from China.

What's up?

She has a 24-hour
caregiver paid for by the State.

I hope you are kidding.

How we doing, Renata?

Oh, hello, sweetheart. How
was the ride? Good, I hope.

How about something to eat?

Uh, should we wait for company?

Well, it might be a while.
There's a lot of traffic today.

Yeah, I forgot the traffic.
I keep forgetting that.

Will you get the
girl some coffee?

No, that's okay.
I would love to.

I will be right back, okay?

Hey, Kevin. Hey, babe.

Heads up. The car is out of
commission. Really? What's up?

The tech is looking
at it right now,

but I just didn't want
to throw you for a loop.

Okay. You good?

This is delightful.

Thank you.

My pleasure. Our pleasure.

It says here you have
someone who lives with you?

Oh.

My Carolyn comes for lunch.

That's nice, huh?

Tuesdays. Sometimes Thursdays.

Or not. Busy lady.

And her kids are beautiful.
And they're all blond, all of them.

Hello, dear.

Hi.

I saw her name on the
computer. Can I talk to her?

Sure. Zoey?

Renata Thurber.

You did the hair for .Mame,
and Follies and .Company.

I did.

Are you one of the dancers?

I'm an understudy.

Oh.

Mmm.

God. Why bother
getting old, you know?

People forgetting you're
even alive. Or not caring.

Having a baby wouldn't be
the worst thing in the world.

At least when I'm old.

There's lots of
reasons to have kids.

Just as many not to.

I have two girls.

That's all you're getting.

Five minutes.

All right, give me one second.
Not asking. Come with me.

You and Sarah Khouri, really?

Really.

You don't do anything
half-assed, do you?

Apparently not.

I guess I shouldn't
be surprised.

You are pretty sophisticated.

Keep telling me that.

So, when are we talking?

On her way up to Washington.

Only for a couple of days.

I thought this was
behind me. I really did.

And it's not.

And it's not.

Do I get to meet her?

Incoming.

Oh. See you.

Look, I think you're great, but I
really need to step away from this.

Understood.

It was amazing,
don't get me wrong,

but having indiscriminate
sex when you're a sex addict...

Indiscriminate?
You're hilarious.

My girlfriend's back.

So is mine.

Ta-da!

Thank you, Dr. Cooper.

Glad to help.

And the whole
good-looking thing,

more of a curse than a blessing.

I can't even imagine.

What's up, boo?

Don't.

You're just shutting me
down here. What's with that?

'Cause I can just...

No, no, no, nothing's with that.

I think I'm pregnant. Happy?

Wow.

I am happy if you're happy.

It's not with the guy
I like. It's his brother.

Oh.

One less Jagermeister, I might've
ended up with the one I wanted.

Yeah.

Staten Island barbecues.

Yeah, they are the worst.

If no one steps up to
the plate, I could be there.

That's very sweet. Just weird.

I'm looking for Renata Thurber.

Family?

Caregiver.

Um, why don't you have a seat?

We'll get you the release forms.

The police are here for the
gun. They need a signature.

Where are they now?

There's just one,
Miguel took him...

All right. I'll be
back in a second.

Are you out of your
fucking mind? Go.

Hey, can you come
with me a second?

I've got a call in to
Adult Protective Services.

You're gonna want to take her in

for aggravated neglect
and endangerment.

Who the hell are you?

Jackie Peyton, nice to meet you.

Wanna step over here,
please for a minute, ma'am?

You've got to be kidding me. No.

Uh, fraud. You can
get her on fraud.

We've still got an unregistered
firearm over here, huh?

The guy cracked his head
open. He's not going anywhere.

If you say so. I do.

Ma'am, please. You
want to step over here?

Hi, it's me.

Yeah. Look, I'm
sorry about all this.

I'm tired and my back's
all fucked up and I'm sorry.

You want to talk?

Really?

Me, too.

You are nuts.

I am.

You've got to toughen up.

Says the lady that picked
Alice in Wonderland.

I hear it's very good.