Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - Steak Knife - full transcript
Eddie surprises Jackie with a present for their first anniversary. A woman brings her date to the emergency room after he has been stabbed by her ex-husband. Mrs. Akalitus discovers an abandoned baby. Dr. O'Hara is feeling miserable, and Jackie is her only refuge.
Previously on Nurse Jackie:
Eddie and your
husband become friends
and the Titanic is sinking
and only one of
them gets to survive.
Which one?
You need love
in your life, lady.
I believe your daughter Grace
is experiencing signs of
generalized anxiety disorder.
I'm thinking maybe
private school.
That might be extreme.
♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na, Na, na, na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
I see your sins. For I am God.
Yeah, run. Run, you whore.
Go and hide from the
eyes of the Almighty.
It's 9:15 a.m.
God's off his meds again.
Careful or he'll unleash
a swarm of locusts,
which means it's time
to start smoking again.
No, I got kids.
One excuse after another.
We're putting Grace
in private school.
Immaculate Virgin.
Immaculate Virgin?
That's a bit redundant,
don't you think?
What was I gonna do?
Dirty Virgin?
That's not funny.
It's 4 grand if we join
the parish, 7 if we don't.
It's embarrassing to say this,
but I'm bulletproof
even in this economy.
All right. Then don't.
Just let me get the words out,
and then you can let
loose with all the proper
"no, thanks," okay?
If you like, I'll pay
for the girls' schools.
Thank you. That's really
very kind of you, but no thanks.
And even if I said yes,
Kevin would say
no, but thanks, really.
Stay away from that food cart.
Hummus is the work of the devil.
What's up with your shoes?
Oh, gee, look at that.
Is everything all right?
What, because my
shoes don't match? Please.
But, uh, cheers for asking.
Wait for the light.
Hey. Hey, you.
I am God.
And you are an asshole.
Go in peace, you pieces of shit.
Blue team, Trauma Room stat.
Is there cake?
Multiple stab
wounds to the chest,
in and out of consciousness,
difficulty breathing.
I can imagine.
Oh. Eww.
He was stabilized,
but his BP just dropped.
How old? Uh, 33, I think.
All right, ready?
One, two, three. Here we go.
So, what happened?
We both work in IT.
He took me out for breakfast.
It was going so good.
So you stabbed him? No.
No, my ex-husband did.
He followed us into a diner.
I had a restraining order.
Yeah. My cousin had one of
those. They don't always work.
Why don't you wait outside?
We'll come and get
you when we know more.
How much?
Eight thousand.
Presbyterian has two.
For a HoverMED? No.
Yeah, you'll spring for a Pyxis,
which nobody even wants,
but not for a HoverMED.
You have no idea
what's coming in here.
These big fat kids,
their big-ass parents...
We're not Presbyterian.
We're not even Bellevue.
When's the last time you tried
to lift one of
these fat bastards?
I've lifted more fat
bastards than you can count.
Well, I'm not breaking my back
because people
eat like shit, okay?
Whose baby is this?
A thousand nurses file
injury claims every year.
I'm just saying.
Whose baby is this?
Whose baby is this?
Very nice.
Stab wounds to the chest.
Go find your own
fun. We got this.
Actually, Jacks, I
prefer he stayed.
Really?
Jackpot.
Can you close the door, please?
Let's get him stabilized
and to the OR.
We need to check his airways
and we need a chest tube set up.
Zoey, come here.
Put your hand on
here. Hold it firmly.
I can do that. Sorry.
I'm just saying I could do
more important things here.
Okay, take your hand away.
Ooh, you see
that? It's important.
I need you to take over for me.
You ready for the
setup? Yeah, let's do it.
Deep breath, Zoey.
I'll catch you if you faint.
No, thanks. I'm good.
Can I at least
take the knife out?
No, Zoey.
You never remove
a foreign object
protruding from a patient.
The surgeon does
that. Do you understand?
But it's so tempting.
That's me. Yes. Yes, I know.
I got something for you.
You texted me
six times last night.
You don't answer the phone.
And you never come
over, so this is it.
This is all I got.
It takes me 10 minutes
to write four words.
I'm using my thumbs here.
That's not all you
got. No, it's not.
I got you a little
something extra today,
above the, uh, standard fare.
Here you go.
Eddie, no.
Just... Just take it.
Go on. Open it up.
Wow, this is... This is nice.
Happy anniversary, babe.
What? It's not March.
March?
March. Did I say March?
Jesus Christ,
that's how tired I am.
Jesus.
Yeah. It's been a year.
God, Eddie, I'm sorry.
I'm not good at this stuff.
It's okay. I-I'm not,
either. Who's good at it?
Just, you know, try it on.
Yeah. No, I, uh...
I get it. I get it.
It's a stupid fucking bracelet
from the guy you're banging.
All right?
Too bad it's not
made out of Vicodin.
Sorry?
You heard me.
"Eddie, my back hurts."
"Eddie, my, uh, my tooth hurts."
Right?
Everything's on
your terms, Jackie. I...
You know what? Forget it.
You know what, Eddie,
just keep your
fucking bracelet, okay?
Keep your fucking
pills. I don't need it.
I don't need any of
it. Good. I don't, either.
What's going on?
Patient's been
here since last night.
Repeat sex offender.
Got his hands on a
couple of third-graders.
Passed out in custody,
a fever or something.
His nuts were like:
Um, Dr. Ekebwe ordered IV
antibiotics and a Foley catheter
but now I can't get it out.
Will one of you get
this thing out of my dick?
There is a little balloon
at the end of the catheter.
Did you deflate it?
I tried, but I don't
think it worked.
So no. No, no, I didn't.
Good.
Get this thing out of my dick.
Hey. Mo-Mo, hold him down?
Okay, sir,
you're gonna feel a little
bit of pressure, okay?
Fuck! There you go.
Outside now. MAN: Oh, God!
He's a fucking pedophile, Mo-Mo.
No one's saying he
didn't have it coming.
I just don't want
you to get in trouble.
Who are they gonna
believe, him or me?
That's not the point.
He's a patient in the hospital.
I had a fight with a man friend.
Guy friend.
A boyfriend?
Well, yes, I had a
fight with my boyfriend.
That's just wrong.
How did I not know
you had a boyfriend?
Honey, you do all the talking.
I do, don't I?
You have a boyfriend.
That's so good.
Are we talking EMT? A cop?
No, it's nobody from
work. Just leave it alone.
So, what happened?
I didn't realize it
was our anniversary.
That makes me a terrible person.
Anniversary? Yeah.
It's been a year. A year?
Wow.
I had no clue.
Neither did I.
Bow. Bow.
Bow to me, you
sinners and sluts.
Go ahead, eat.
Eat.
Eat God's shit.
Cartier. Nice.
Is that from a morphine
rep or something?
Nope. You know
what we should do?
Atlantic City Thursday
night. I got a free room
at the Trump Marina from
one of my pharmaceutical guys.
Wanna go?
Yeah, uh, Thursday's not great.
Doesn't have to be Thursday.
I was just throwing
it out there.
It's a bracelet. Go ahead.
Whoa.
That's nice.
Unisex, right?
I couldn't tell you.
Yeah, I bought a Cartier watch
when I graduated
from med school.
I got robbed two days
later. I was like, "Really?"
Because it was brand-new.
Yeah, well, people suck.
Who's it for? You know,
it's been a pretty bad day
so I don't really
feel like talking about
Cartier or fucking bracelets
or fucking Trump Marina
if that's okay with you.
Yeah, sure.
What's up?
You know what, Coop?
You like this, you take it.
It's yours.
Don't get robbed.
Thanks.
Hey, uh, where are those
muffiny things you had?
I gave yours to
Coop. You did not.
I did.
Oh, uh, can you check up
on steak-knife's people for me?
My lipstick's fading.
Twelve-hour color, my ass.
Is he dead?
No, he's up in the ICU
with a whole lot of stitches,
but no, he's not dead.
This is the greatest guy.
I mean,
this guy is like a pearl
in the dirt, you know?
I know.
I never get the nice ones.
I'm like a creep magnet.
But I fell for him like
that. Like God said,
"Okay, that's enough
assholes, Lori."
And he sent me Zach.
Well, I see guys like him
bounce back every day.
I promise.
It was our first date.
He's not gonna
call me again, is he?
For I am God. And
you are all assholes.
Whose baby is this?
My name is God.
Whose baby is this?
Zoey.
What?
God told her her
hair is thinning.
He said I have a bald spot.
Zoey, look at me.
Stop going outside.
Okay.
Daddy's gonna fix this.
Mo-Mo.
Don't. God's mean.
Please don't hang
up on me. Please.
Hello?
Hello?
Come in.
Have you got a minute?
I've got millions.
Right.
I fucked up. You certainly did.
Those muffiny
things were brilliant.
Coop loved them.
Yes, and now he's
got my bracelet.
Sorry?
Eddie gave Coop a
bracelet that he got for me.
Oh, the plot thickens.
Now Eddie's buying
you things. Nicely played.
Yes, well, apparently, we
have been together a year.
That alone freaked me out.
I think I didn't handle it well.
Now Coop's flitting
about in your jewelry.
Yes, pretty much.
Xanax.
My life's a shambles.
That's a secret, by the way.
Ahh.
Do you wanna tell
me what's going on?
That, my friend,
would take a bucket of
Scotch to get out of me.
Does that help?
On days like this, yes.
You want one?
I think I do, yeah. Is that bad?
I'm a bit of a
lightweight, though.
Take half.
Hmm.
Here.
Oh.
Bottoms up.
Now go and clean up your mess.
Enjoy the pleasures
of your flesh
before you die.
And such a way, you
could die and fight.
What are you looking at?
It's 4:30 p.m.
I'm sorry.
Can we go back
to where you said,
"It's been a year"?
And then this
time I'd like to say:
Wow, time flies when
you're having fun.
Because we are
having fun, aren't we?
Look, I, uh...
I feel a little bit like
an asshole, that's all.
Big fucking deal.
Why, because you remembered
it's been a year and I didn't?
Eddie, time for me is how long
it's been since I changed an IV.
Other than that,
I'm pretty useless.
Yeah, well, useless
is a little strong.
And just for the record,
it's not that I didn't like it.
It's just I didn't want
to wear it at work.
Somehow Coop
manages to pull it off.
Yeah, well, that's,
uh... Whatever.
So you still want it?
Sure.
Put your hands up and
give me all your jewelry.
Oh, no, dude. Come on.
Sorry, Coop.
How'd it go with God?
This is not a woman's top.
Isn't God awful?
Hello?
Come on, people, this
is somebody's baby.
Things like this stay
out of the baby's mouth.
How did he get that? I
have no idea how he got that.
Whose baby is this?
It's cute.
All right, I'm calling
Social Services.
Baby's gonna be in my
office till they get here.
Hey, Zach.
I'm just checking
in. How you feeling?
Well, the morphine helps. Yeah.
That's why they
call it morphine.
Your friend Lori's
been here all day.
She's pacing a
hole in the floor.
Her husband stabbed me.
Her ex-husband.
And he's not the
one you're dating.
Dangerous people in the world.
Well, you know, I
don't think she is.
By association, though.
Anyway, she's out
there worried sick.
No more married people.
No more people with problems.
I want someone
with a clean slate,
like a grad student.
Yeah. No, you don't.
She's a pretty girl.
Yeah.
She is.
And nice, so nice.
Well, maybe this was a test.
Maybe if you can
move on from here,
everything else will
be a piece of cake.
You make a good point.
This here is a
Cartier love bracelet.
I found it on the subway.
It looks brand-new.
I bet she'd love it.
Wow.
Maybe everything
happens for a reason, right?
Hey, he's awake and he
really wants to see you.
Really? Yeah.
Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Here. Oh.
Yes, you're good.
Thank you. Okay.
Jacks?
Okay.
Um, here's the thing.
Not an easy day
for either of us.
That's for sure. Uh...
And you're going home to
a cozy something or other
with your husband
and your children.
They're gonna light
up when they see you.
And I'm gonna be
trying to remember
what my policy is
about tipping the hostess
when I pick up my dinner
and go back to my room.
Do you wanna come over?
Or... Or... Well...
Or... Or not.
It's just an idea.
Um, you could
stay in Fiona's room.
You know.
Actually, I'd prefer Grace's.
Oh, boy, a carriage.
You... Yes, you.
Shall burneth beneath the light.
He's like a homeless
guy with an apartment.
Going all day with this shit.
Never underestimate the
stamina of a psychotic episode.
And who have you
fornicated with today, darling?
Wouldn't you like to
know? See you tomorrow.
Good night, baldy.
And stop picking on my nurses.
All right? Pick on criminals.
Pick on white guys.
Fucking fantastic.
Who is your friend
with the heels?
Now, that's a woman.
And what is she doing
with an old whore like you?
Indeed.
All right, listen to me.
Put down the cat food
and get back on your meds.
You're not doing anybody
any good up there right now.
All right? Do you hear me?
I apologize.
It's 7:23 p.m.
He's a fucking
criminal. I had to say it.
It's her father. Stepfather.
No, Kevin's right, Jacks.
Total waste of plasma, that one.
My sister's gonna be destroyed.
What about you?
I'm getting plastered
in Queens, am I not?
Consider me already destroyed.
Rats. That came
out wrong, didn't it?
I'm gonna head upstairs, ladies.
I'll be right up.
Bye.
Did I hurt his feelings?
Kevin? No.
This is 1010 WINS.
You give us 22 minutes,
we'll give you the world.
It's news time, 7:01...
You can pour now.
It's still going.
You are a tiny,
cruel little creature.
I know.
Mm.
Oh, what the hell is this?
What are you trying
to do, poison me?
It's hideous.
What did you do, bail it
out of the gutter, darling?
Ugh.
We need some milk to
dilute this catastrophe.
All right, what
are you two up to?
She's trying to kill me
with your antique coffee.
Good morning.
How'd you sleep?
As if sedated.
Nothing forces me
to embrace my life
like a night on
polyblend sheets.
Oh. Grace, look at
you. You look great.
Actually, your ensemble is
missing something, Grace.
It is? Mm-hm.
French braid.
Classic component of the
Catholic-school uniform.
Luckily for you, I'm a master.
I guarantee you shall be
the most glamorous girl
at the Immaculate Virgin today.
Why do they call
it a French braid?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Well,
because it's
mysterious and alluring.
Where'd you learn how
to do a French braid?
France.
Oh, Grace, darling,
you look great.
You excited?
Honey, are you okay?
Daddy bought the
wrong color bike shorts.
Honey, I... It's okay.
Nobody can see them. I promise.
God can see them.
Oh, honey.
Ohh.
He will know that
you meant well, okay?
Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's me. I am God.
Oh, yeah. Ha, ha, ha.
Listen to me. Listen.
Good night, baldy.
Get a load of fatso.
Hey, you, wait for the light.
Go ahead, eat.
Stay away from that food cart.
Hummus is the work of the devil.
You are all blessed.
And you are all assholes.
Eddie and your
husband become friends
and the Titanic is sinking
and only one of
them gets to survive.
Which one?
You need love
in your life, lady.
I believe your daughter Grace
is experiencing signs of
generalized anxiety disorder.
I'm thinking maybe
private school.
That might be extreme.
♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na, Na, na, na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
I see your sins. For I am God.
Yeah, run. Run, you whore.
Go and hide from the
eyes of the Almighty.
It's 9:15 a.m.
God's off his meds again.
Careful or he'll unleash
a swarm of locusts,
which means it's time
to start smoking again.
No, I got kids.
One excuse after another.
We're putting Grace
in private school.
Immaculate Virgin.
Immaculate Virgin?
That's a bit redundant,
don't you think?
What was I gonna do?
Dirty Virgin?
That's not funny.
It's 4 grand if we join
the parish, 7 if we don't.
It's embarrassing to say this,
but I'm bulletproof
even in this economy.
All right. Then don't.
Just let me get the words out,
and then you can let
loose with all the proper
"no, thanks," okay?
If you like, I'll pay
for the girls' schools.
Thank you. That's really
very kind of you, but no thanks.
And even if I said yes,
Kevin would say
no, but thanks, really.
Stay away from that food cart.
Hummus is the work of the devil.
What's up with your shoes?
Oh, gee, look at that.
Is everything all right?
What, because my
shoes don't match? Please.
But, uh, cheers for asking.
Wait for the light.
Hey. Hey, you.
I am God.
And you are an asshole.
Go in peace, you pieces of shit.
Blue team, Trauma Room stat.
Is there cake?
Multiple stab
wounds to the chest,
in and out of consciousness,
difficulty breathing.
I can imagine.
Oh. Eww.
He was stabilized,
but his BP just dropped.
How old? Uh, 33, I think.
All right, ready?
One, two, three. Here we go.
So, what happened?
We both work in IT.
He took me out for breakfast.
It was going so good.
So you stabbed him? No.
No, my ex-husband did.
He followed us into a diner.
I had a restraining order.
Yeah. My cousin had one of
those. They don't always work.
Why don't you wait outside?
We'll come and get
you when we know more.
How much?
Eight thousand.
Presbyterian has two.
For a HoverMED? No.
Yeah, you'll spring for a Pyxis,
which nobody even wants,
but not for a HoverMED.
You have no idea
what's coming in here.
These big fat kids,
their big-ass parents...
We're not Presbyterian.
We're not even Bellevue.
When's the last time you tried
to lift one of
these fat bastards?
I've lifted more fat
bastards than you can count.
Well, I'm not breaking my back
because people
eat like shit, okay?
Whose baby is this?
A thousand nurses file
injury claims every year.
I'm just saying.
Whose baby is this?
Whose baby is this?
Very nice.
Stab wounds to the chest.
Go find your own
fun. We got this.
Actually, Jacks, I
prefer he stayed.
Really?
Jackpot.
Can you close the door, please?
Let's get him stabilized
and to the OR.
We need to check his airways
and we need a chest tube set up.
Zoey, come here.
Put your hand on
here. Hold it firmly.
I can do that. Sorry.
I'm just saying I could do
more important things here.
Okay, take your hand away.
Ooh, you see
that? It's important.
I need you to take over for me.
You ready for the
setup? Yeah, let's do it.
Deep breath, Zoey.
I'll catch you if you faint.
No, thanks. I'm good.
Can I at least
take the knife out?
No, Zoey.
You never remove
a foreign object
protruding from a patient.
The surgeon does
that. Do you understand?
But it's so tempting.
That's me. Yes. Yes, I know.
I got something for you.
You texted me
six times last night.
You don't answer the phone.
And you never come
over, so this is it.
This is all I got.
It takes me 10 minutes
to write four words.
I'm using my thumbs here.
That's not all you
got. No, it's not.
I got you a little
something extra today,
above the, uh, standard fare.
Here you go.
Eddie, no.
Just... Just take it.
Go on. Open it up.
Wow, this is... This is nice.
Happy anniversary, babe.
What? It's not March.
March?
March. Did I say March?
Jesus Christ,
that's how tired I am.
Jesus.
Yeah. It's been a year.
God, Eddie, I'm sorry.
I'm not good at this stuff.
It's okay. I-I'm not,
either. Who's good at it?
Just, you know, try it on.
Yeah. No, I, uh...
I get it. I get it.
It's a stupid fucking bracelet
from the guy you're banging.
All right?
Too bad it's not
made out of Vicodin.
Sorry?
You heard me.
"Eddie, my back hurts."
"Eddie, my, uh, my tooth hurts."
Right?
Everything's on
your terms, Jackie. I...
You know what? Forget it.
You know what, Eddie,
just keep your
fucking bracelet, okay?
Keep your fucking
pills. I don't need it.
I don't need any of
it. Good. I don't, either.
What's going on?
Patient's been
here since last night.
Repeat sex offender.
Got his hands on a
couple of third-graders.
Passed out in custody,
a fever or something.
His nuts were like:
Um, Dr. Ekebwe ordered IV
antibiotics and a Foley catheter
but now I can't get it out.
Will one of you get
this thing out of my dick?
There is a little balloon
at the end of the catheter.
Did you deflate it?
I tried, but I don't
think it worked.
So no. No, no, I didn't.
Good.
Get this thing out of my dick.
Hey. Mo-Mo, hold him down?
Okay, sir,
you're gonna feel a little
bit of pressure, okay?
Fuck! There you go.
Outside now. MAN: Oh, God!
He's a fucking pedophile, Mo-Mo.
No one's saying he
didn't have it coming.
I just don't want
you to get in trouble.
Who are they gonna
believe, him or me?
That's not the point.
He's a patient in the hospital.
I had a fight with a man friend.
Guy friend.
A boyfriend?
Well, yes, I had a
fight with my boyfriend.
That's just wrong.
How did I not know
you had a boyfriend?
Honey, you do all the talking.
I do, don't I?
You have a boyfriend.
That's so good.
Are we talking EMT? A cop?
No, it's nobody from
work. Just leave it alone.
So, what happened?
I didn't realize it
was our anniversary.
That makes me a terrible person.
Anniversary? Yeah.
It's been a year. A year?
Wow.
I had no clue.
Neither did I.
Bow. Bow.
Bow to me, you
sinners and sluts.
Go ahead, eat.
Eat.
Eat God's shit.
Cartier. Nice.
Is that from a morphine
rep or something?
Nope. You know
what we should do?
Atlantic City Thursday
night. I got a free room
at the Trump Marina from
one of my pharmaceutical guys.
Wanna go?
Yeah, uh, Thursday's not great.
Doesn't have to be Thursday.
I was just throwing
it out there.
It's a bracelet. Go ahead.
Whoa.
That's nice.
Unisex, right?
I couldn't tell you.
Yeah, I bought a Cartier watch
when I graduated
from med school.
I got robbed two days
later. I was like, "Really?"
Because it was brand-new.
Yeah, well, people suck.
Who's it for? You know,
it's been a pretty bad day
so I don't really
feel like talking about
Cartier or fucking bracelets
or fucking Trump Marina
if that's okay with you.
Yeah, sure.
What's up?
You know what, Coop?
You like this, you take it.
It's yours.
Don't get robbed.
Thanks.
Hey, uh, where are those
muffiny things you had?
I gave yours to
Coop. You did not.
I did.
Oh, uh, can you check up
on steak-knife's people for me?
My lipstick's fading.
Twelve-hour color, my ass.
Is he dead?
No, he's up in the ICU
with a whole lot of stitches,
but no, he's not dead.
This is the greatest guy.
I mean,
this guy is like a pearl
in the dirt, you know?
I know.
I never get the nice ones.
I'm like a creep magnet.
But I fell for him like
that. Like God said,
"Okay, that's enough
assholes, Lori."
And he sent me Zach.
Well, I see guys like him
bounce back every day.
I promise.
It was our first date.
He's not gonna
call me again, is he?
For I am God. And
you are all assholes.
Whose baby is this?
My name is God.
Whose baby is this?
Zoey.
What?
God told her her
hair is thinning.
He said I have a bald spot.
Zoey, look at me.
Stop going outside.
Okay.
Daddy's gonna fix this.
Mo-Mo.
Don't. God's mean.
Please don't hang
up on me. Please.
Hello?
Hello?
Come in.
Have you got a minute?
I've got millions.
Right.
I fucked up. You certainly did.
Those muffiny
things were brilliant.
Coop loved them.
Yes, and now he's
got my bracelet.
Sorry?
Eddie gave Coop a
bracelet that he got for me.
Oh, the plot thickens.
Now Eddie's buying
you things. Nicely played.
Yes, well, apparently, we
have been together a year.
That alone freaked me out.
I think I didn't handle it well.
Now Coop's flitting
about in your jewelry.
Yes, pretty much.
Xanax.
My life's a shambles.
That's a secret, by the way.
Ahh.
Do you wanna tell
me what's going on?
That, my friend,
would take a bucket of
Scotch to get out of me.
Does that help?
On days like this, yes.
You want one?
I think I do, yeah. Is that bad?
I'm a bit of a
lightweight, though.
Take half.
Hmm.
Here.
Oh.
Bottoms up.
Now go and clean up your mess.
Enjoy the pleasures
of your flesh
before you die.
And such a way, you
could die and fight.
What are you looking at?
It's 4:30 p.m.
I'm sorry.
Can we go back
to where you said,
"It's been a year"?
And then this
time I'd like to say:
Wow, time flies when
you're having fun.
Because we are
having fun, aren't we?
Look, I, uh...
I feel a little bit like
an asshole, that's all.
Big fucking deal.
Why, because you remembered
it's been a year and I didn't?
Eddie, time for me is how long
it's been since I changed an IV.
Other than that,
I'm pretty useless.
Yeah, well, useless
is a little strong.
And just for the record,
it's not that I didn't like it.
It's just I didn't want
to wear it at work.
Somehow Coop
manages to pull it off.
Yeah, well, that's,
uh... Whatever.
So you still want it?
Sure.
Put your hands up and
give me all your jewelry.
Oh, no, dude. Come on.
Sorry, Coop.
How'd it go with God?
This is not a woman's top.
Isn't God awful?
Hello?
Come on, people, this
is somebody's baby.
Things like this stay
out of the baby's mouth.
How did he get that? I
have no idea how he got that.
Whose baby is this?
It's cute.
All right, I'm calling
Social Services.
Baby's gonna be in my
office till they get here.
Hey, Zach.
I'm just checking
in. How you feeling?
Well, the morphine helps. Yeah.
That's why they
call it morphine.
Your friend Lori's
been here all day.
She's pacing a
hole in the floor.
Her husband stabbed me.
Her ex-husband.
And he's not the
one you're dating.
Dangerous people in the world.
Well, you know, I
don't think she is.
By association, though.
Anyway, she's out
there worried sick.
No more married people.
No more people with problems.
I want someone
with a clean slate,
like a grad student.
Yeah. No, you don't.
She's a pretty girl.
Yeah.
She is.
And nice, so nice.
Well, maybe this was a test.
Maybe if you can
move on from here,
everything else will
be a piece of cake.
You make a good point.
This here is a
Cartier love bracelet.
I found it on the subway.
It looks brand-new.
I bet she'd love it.
Wow.
Maybe everything
happens for a reason, right?
Hey, he's awake and he
really wants to see you.
Really? Yeah.
Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Here. Oh.
Yes, you're good.
Thank you. Okay.
Jacks?
Okay.
Um, here's the thing.
Not an easy day
for either of us.
That's for sure. Uh...
And you're going home to
a cozy something or other
with your husband
and your children.
They're gonna light
up when they see you.
And I'm gonna be
trying to remember
what my policy is
about tipping the hostess
when I pick up my dinner
and go back to my room.
Do you wanna come over?
Or... Or... Well...
Or... Or not.
It's just an idea.
Um, you could
stay in Fiona's room.
You know.
Actually, I'd prefer Grace's.
Oh, boy, a carriage.
You... Yes, you.
Shall burneth beneath the light.
He's like a homeless
guy with an apartment.
Going all day with this shit.
Never underestimate the
stamina of a psychotic episode.
And who have you
fornicated with today, darling?
Wouldn't you like to
know? See you tomorrow.
Good night, baldy.
And stop picking on my nurses.
All right? Pick on criminals.
Pick on white guys.
Fucking fantastic.
Who is your friend
with the heels?
Now, that's a woman.
And what is she doing
with an old whore like you?
Indeed.
All right, listen to me.
Put down the cat food
and get back on your meds.
You're not doing anybody
any good up there right now.
All right? Do you hear me?
I apologize.
It's 7:23 p.m.
He's a fucking
criminal. I had to say it.
It's her father. Stepfather.
No, Kevin's right, Jacks.
Total waste of plasma, that one.
My sister's gonna be destroyed.
What about you?
I'm getting plastered
in Queens, am I not?
Consider me already destroyed.
Rats. That came
out wrong, didn't it?
I'm gonna head upstairs, ladies.
I'll be right up.
Bye.
Did I hurt his feelings?
Kevin? No.
This is 1010 WINS.
You give us 22 minutes,
we'll give you the world.
It's news time, 7:01...
You can pour now.
It's still going.
You are a tiny,
cruel little creature.
I know.
Mm.
Oh, what the hell is this?
What are you trying
to do, poison me?
It's hideous.
What did you do, bail it
out of the gutter, darling?
Ugh.
We need some milk to
dilute this catastrophe.
All right, what
are you two up to?
She's trying to kill me
with your antique coffee.
Good morning.
How'd you sleep?
As if sedated.
Nothing forces me
to embrace my life
like a night on
polyblend sheets.
Oh. Grace, look at
you. You look great.
Actually, your ensemble is
missing something, Grace.
It is? Mm-hm.
French braid.
Classic component of the
Catholic-school uniform.
Luckily for you, I'm a master.
I guarantee you shall be
the most glamorous girl
at the Immaculate Virgin today.
Why do they call
it a French braid?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Well,
because it's
mysterious and alluring.
Where'd you learn how
to do a French braid?
France.
Oh, Grace, darling,
you look great.
You excited?
Honey, are you okay?
Daddy bought the
wrong color bike shorts.
Honey, I... It's okay.
Nobody can see them. I promise.
God can see them.
Oh, honey.
Ohh.
He will know that
you meant well, okay?
Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's me. I am God.
Oh, yeah. Ha, ha, ha.
Listen to me. Listen.
Good night, baldy.
Get a load of fatso.
Hey, you, wait for the light.
Go ahead, eat.
Stay away from that food cart.
Hummus is the work of the devil.
You are all blessed.
And you are all assholes.