Now Apocalypse (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Stranger Than Paradise - full transcript

- [MOANING LOUDLY]
- Are you going to finish too?

I need to go so I can get back to work.

SEVERINE: Previously on Now Apocalypse:

I get it. She's doing top-secret
government work and shit.

That Barnabas dude seems ultra sketch.

I can't believe you
read my script already.

I hope you're ready for it.

You have a very bright
future ahead of you.

This is Mitchell Kent. He's
one of the leading experts

of extraterrestrial
life-forms in the country.

That's a good one! Mitchell Kent



really knows what he's talking about.

Barnabas just invited us to this

huge, kick-ass party in Palm Springs!

CARLY: Oh my God, last
time I was in Palm Springs

was the year that giant
sandstorm ate Coachella.

[GRUMBLES] You went to Coachella?

I've been dying to go. I've never been.

FORD: Me either.

We should all go next year.

- When is it?
- April, right after tax day.

I don't know though,

I... I really don't understand the
whole hub-bub about Coachella.

I mean, it's just legions
of sweaty, druggo hippies

wearing tiny backpacks
marching around a dustbowl.



It is hot as Satan's fucking taint.

Oh, and did I mention the sandstorm?

Yeah, and, like, 200
awesome bands playing.

Yeah, uh, all at the
exact same fucking time!

Sounds fucking amazing.

Oh, and you have to wait
like an hour in line

to pee in an Andy Gump that smells like

500 people have taken a shit in it.

'Cause they have.

Dude, we should totally go.

I wish. Tickets are like a 1000 bucks.

Well, maybe after Meet Your Makerhappens

and I get a nice fat check.

[INAUDIBLE]

Uh, I did go with these
two girls dressed as

slutty Pocahontases, though,

so that might have ruined my experience.

I don't know, all I remember
is, the whole time,

they were arguing whether it's
pronounced "Haim" or "Haiym".

Ooh that, and I had the most
delicious banana pancakes

of all time at Denny's at 2:00 a.m.

What do you think, babe?

You wanna try to do Coachella next year?

Yeah, you wanna go to Coachella?

What is a "Coachella"?

Co... Coachell...

Coachella, it's this like
massive music festival

with like 100,000 people
dancing in the desert.

That sounds terrible.

Why on earth would I wanna
go to something like that?

[ULYSSES SIGHS]

♪ Is only getting stronger ♪

♪ I say something loving ♪

♪ All my hesitations are fading ♪

ULYSSES: Holy shit!

Oh my God.

Shit, dude, you gotta check out
this swanktastic bathroom!

How, how much do you think a
place like this cost a night?

Uh, more than plebeians like
us can afford that's for sure.

And that Barnabas dude
just lets Ford stay here

- for free and bring us along?
- Isn't he sucking his dick?

No! That's what's so suspicious
about the whole thing.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe Barnabas just...

really believes in Ford's
screenwriting talent.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh God, I'm sorry! That was mean.

I didn't mean it.

This bed, though, is amazing.

I just feel so bad for Ford.

Not to mention, Severine is giving
him the royal bitch treatment.

Yeah, I know! What is her problem?

Literally, her personality
is like nail polish remover.

She's stressed about work, I guess?

Ford said she wasn't even gonna come,

he had to guilt-trip her into it.

Well, she is French and
drop dead gorgeous so,

c'est la vie!

[KNOCKING]

We have guests.

It's open!

Hi, guys.

- [ULYSSES LAUGHS]
- Hey, buddy!

Oh, man, this room is
so fucking sweet, man!

Tha-thank you for bringing us along.

Ah, no prob.

So, uh, me and Severine are
gonna go grab some lunch.

Oh! Okay, okay.

Uh, where is she?

She's waiting in the car.

Huh. Uh-huh.

I think we're... we're just
gonna maybe hang out here,

maybe, uh, hit the pool.

Cool.

Ah...

We'll see you in a bit then.

Sounds great.

'Kay.

Lates.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

You know what I think Ford's problem is?

- Hmm?
- He's, like, too nice.

It's kind of weird.

Yeah, he's one of those people who asks,

"How are you?" And he actually means it.

That's so creepy.

Hey, pass me the sunscreen.

Thank you.

Oh my God, okay, I seriously
feel like my whole life

is turning into one giant
ingrown hair at this point.

I want to kill myself.

Oh.

Hm? What?

Boner alert twelve o'clock.

Wait, did... Did he just wink at us?

Nah, I think he just had
some water in his eye.

No, I think he's uh, checking us out.

I wonder uh, which one of us he's into.

Maybe he's a polyamorous flexisexual

who wants to recruit us both

for some sort of culty cuddle party.

Okay, honestly, I just prefer
when everyone was straight.

It made sex so much less confusing.

[LAUGHS] When was that?

Oh my God, I think
he's coming over here.

No... Shut up.

He's literally coming over here.

[CARLY LAUGHS]

Hey there.

Hey.

You guys enjoying the pool?

Totally. It's a great view.

My impulse was to try to be aloof,

to preserve a dynamic of
excitement and nerves.

But I figured just saying
hello would be easier.

[LAUGHS] Bummer!

'Cause I only like guys who utilize

manipulative dating strategies.

Well, I'm all out of luck then.

[CARLY LAUGHS]

I'm Leif, by the way.

Carly.

Nice to meet you, Carly.

Likewise.

Well, I gotta get going, my,
my friends are waiting.

But it was nice to meet you guys.

Really nice to meet you too.

[CARLY LAUGHS]

What the fuck was that?
A drive-by seduction?

I feel like I just watched
him impregnate you

with his eyes.

Wait, am I in love with him?

I'm in love with him for you.

But how could he just leave like that,

after everything that
we've been through?

Maybe he saw your ingrown
hair and was grossed out.

Okay, honestly, really
sensitive subject for me.

Can you not joke about it?

FORD: Do you want anything else?

No, thank you.

Ooh, how about some dessert?

I'm quite full.

You go ahead if you want.

[FORD SIGHS]

CARLY: Why didn't I get his number?

Fuck, I'm so lame!

He was fine, just saying.

Do you think he had CP?

- Huh?
- Cerebral palsy.

Umm... maybe. Something
was definitely up.

Did I ever tell you I once
dated a disabled guy?

Jethro.

Ha ha, no.

This guy in college, he had CP.

He was a meme poet.

A what?

I know, but the sex was
so hot, oh my God.

Well, what happens in PS...

I don't know.

It's probably for the best
that nothing happened.

Like, Jethro is super fucking annoying

and I do wanna strangle
him half the time,

but [SIGHS] after our big
breakthrough the other night,

I don't know,

I guess I feel more connected to him.

What?

Oh, hell fucking no.

That's the Mitchell Kent guy
that I was telling you about.

And it's at a bookstore
here in PS, this weekend!

That's... that's fate!

Nah, fate is telling me
to go back to the Jacobs

and hit the spa.

Oh no no, please please please
please please please please

- please please please please...
- No, one bajillion percent

not going to this shit, okay?

Don't even try to convince
me. I will not be there.

I am absolutely not going to this, okay?

I hate you.

It'll just take two minutes, I swear.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Oh my God.

It's like a club for nerds too
tragic to get into Ren Fair.

Hey, hey, come on, come on.

Next.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah um, I'm Ulysses,

and uh, I just have a, a few
re-really important questions

that I wanted to ask you.

Are you gonna buy a book?

Huh?

Oh, I already have one, at home.

I, I, I di... I didn't bring it.

Get lost.

- What?
- Buy a fucking book or get lost!

Hey, come on.

Dude, are you brain damaged?

Get the fuck out of here before
I punch you in the face!

So, any of the rest of you losers

gonna buy a goddamn book or what?

Hey, I know you!

How's it going, man?

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC]

[LOUD PARTYING]

Whoa!

Everyone here looks like a movie star.

Or Rupert Murdoch.

Or one of Rupe's hooker ex-wives

who spent her all her money
on uh, bad plastic surgery.

Hey uh, are you... Are you good?

Yeah, yeah, I just
wanna get my drink on.

I guess aliens really are

for the tinfoil hat crowd after all.

Obvidently.

[BARNABAS] Ford!

Holy shit! Barnabas!

My man!

So glad you made it!

How's the Jacobs?

Oh my God, dude, it's fucking bomb!

Thank you so much for hooking us up.

No problem at all!

Uh, so, this must be...

D'oh, ah, sorry. [FORD LAUGHS]

Uh, yeah, this is my roommate

and most amazing bud in
the whole world, Ulysses,

his BFF, Carly,

and this...

is the one and only,
the love of my life,

Severine.

Fantastic to finally meet you.

You are even more
breathtakingly beautiful

than I ever imagined.

Thanks.

You are one very lucky guy, Ford.

Oh, I know, dude.

Well, you know, you all
look incredibly stunning.

Go on, enjoy the festivities.

A night of magic and
adventure awaits you!

Thanks, man, you're the best!

Yeah!

Rad!

[LOUD DANCE MUSIC]

FORD: Dude, is this the life or what?

Uh, yeah. So, that's Barnabas?

Yeah, isn't he rad?

Yeah, he's just uh, not like I pictured.

I know!

Dude's tall, right?

Oh my God, dudes. Score!

Perfect.

It's fate.

FORD: Sweet!

Uh, so Uly and me will
grab the first round.

What would you lovely
ladies like to drink?

BOTH: Vodka soda.

- [CARLY GASPS]
- [FORD LAUGHS]

Two vodka sodas, coming right up!

[FORD CLAPS]

We'll be right back.

♪ Run with me ♪

♪ Through all cities ♪

So, this seems like a fun party, right?

I despise parties.

Uh, so uh... how are you and Ford?

He's throwing a tantrum because
I didn't want to come here.

So, why did you?

He begged.

Naked.

Please come to Palm Springs.

Please, please, please, please! Please!

Please! Please!

Unfortunately, my will grows weak

in the presence of beauty.

Well, whose doesn't?

[CARLY LAUGHS]

[CARLY SIGHS]

So uh, Uly told me you guys are
trying out an open relationship?

We were, but we...

recently took an unfortunate
detour toward conventionality.

I seem to have difficulty
with boundaries.

Been there. [LAUGHS]

What about you? Do you have a boyfriend?

I do.

Yup.

And do you ever get into arguments?

Uh, only uh, when we're
in the same room.

Or uh, um, talking on the phone or...

Texting.

Perhaps we should speak about something

other than men.

Yeah, totally.

[LAUGHS] I think right now
we are completely flunking

the Bechdel test.

What's that?

Oh, passing the Bechdel test
requires two women to have

a conversation about
something besides a man.

Well, that shouldn't be difficult.

Cock is certainly not the
only thing I'm interested in.

Same here.

[SEVERINE SIGHS]

So, so... wait, so is
everything all right?

With you and Sev, I mean?

Ah, totally, bro. I mean, look around.

This is like we're in paradise, right?

Okay, I'm just, ya know,
I'm just checking.

I'm good, dude. I am.

Okay.

[FORD HUMMING]

Thank you.

Hey, Babe, uh, do you have
to be working right now?

As a matter of fact, I do.

There's been a development at the lab

which I need to manage without delay.

[LAUGHS] We're at a party.

I'm sorry, Ford, but my entire
life doesn't suddenly stop

because I'm within 50 feet of a DJ.

You know, I feel like
judging random strangers.

I'm gonna do a lap.

I'll come with you.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

CARLY: She is French and gorgeous.

What's that mean?

What, does that statement
really need an explanation?

Oh, merde.

It's fate.

- Hey.
- Hey.

[CARLY LAUGHS]

I'm gonna go orbit.

Okay, bye.

Sev, come on, where are you going?

I told you I have to get back to LA.

But it's like...

Really far away!

I called a Lyft.

- What? Sev...
- I told you.

I could only come if I was
finished with my work.

And Lars and Klaus just
informed me of a matter

which requires my urgent attention.

- Can it wait till Monday?
- No, it can't.

Sev, I thought this weekend

was gonna be our special getaway.

I know. It was and I'm sorry.

It's not my intent to
spoil your time here.

So, please, go ahead and
enjoy yourself without me.

Sev, c... Sev, wait!

BARNABAS: Ford!

Are you all right?

Yeah.

LEIF: So what made you
wanna be an actress?

CARLY: Well, when I was younger

I used to put on all these plays,

and I found that I really
enjoyed pretending

to be other people.

So, I thought

being an actor

would mean never having to
outgrow playing pretend.

[LEIF LAUGHS]

Turns out, it's actually
more like being a whore,

except you don't get paid.

- Whoa, oh, okay.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

I'm... I'm sorry, I don't mean
to be all bitter party of one.

What about you? What do you do?

I mainly make large-scale
ceramic sculptures.

Some people may call them plant pots

- but I... I believe differently.
- [CARLY LAUGHS]

That's actually one
of mine, right there.

CARLY: Oh, it's...

- That's beautiful.
- My sculpture, or the Speedo guy?

[CARLY LAUGHS] Your sculpture.

Yeah. I'm... I'm really impressed.

All the "artists" I know just uh
take naked Instagram selfies.

[PARTY-GOER YELLS]

It's...

It's getting a little hectic in here.

You... you maybe wanna go for a walk?

Sure.

Hey there.

Hey.

Wanna have a threeway?

[ULYSSES SIGHS]

I'm gonna have to pass.

Thank you, though.

[SIGHS]

Too bad.

[ULYSSES SIGHS]

- You want another?
- Hm?

- Drink?
- Oh, uh, okay.

What're you having?

It's a vodka soda.

Okay, coming right up.

So, is that why you're here tonight?

'Cause Thor collects your work?

Yeah, him and a bunch of
other Hollywood overlords.

I wonder sometimes whether
they're only into my work

because it looks cool to buy
art made by the "special" guy.

I don't know, I say run with it.

It's better to be fetishized
than poor, right?

Aren't you the little capitalist.

[CARLY LAUGHS]

I guess we're all whores in the end.

I've always thought
being an artist sounds

super intimidating.

It just takes so much confidence
to create something that's

ultimately...

nonessential.

So you think art is nonessential?

No, I mean, like I... [LAUGHS]

I don't think something has to be

essential to be worthwhile.

Well, I think art,

at its best, aims to be a
transcendent experience.

It has the potential
to be life changing.

Sorta like sex.

I'm sorry, am I being
embarrassingly sincere?

Uh, you wouldn't know it by my outfit,

but I have a surprisingly
high tolerance for sincerity.

[CARLY LAUGHS]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

Hey.

Hey.

[CAR HONKING]

Maybe this isn't the
best place to hang out.

- Yeah. [LAUGHS]
- Come with me.

Look I know how important
Sev's work is to her.

It's just...

It's just hard,

you know,

when I feel like my needs don't matter.

I'm sorry, Ford, it sounds terrible.

Like, I just want
acknowledgement sometimes.

Why do I always feel like a second-class
citizen in this relationship?

Why am I treated like an afterthought?

I know, Ford.

- You deserve better.
- I do!

It's not right I tell you.
It's not fucking right!

Are you okay?

Uh...

Ford?

Uh huh.

I, um...

I th... I think maybe I
need to lie down for a bit.

ULYSSES: Thanks.

Sure.

My name's Aja by the way.

Like the continent.

With a J.

My mom was super into Steely Dan.

Never mind.

No, I, I, I, I know who Steely Dan is.

I'm not a philistine.

Oh, you do?

Okay.

So, uh, shouldn't you be working?

Oh, I'm on a break soon.

Plus, fuck this job.

The only reason I'm here
is because my ex works

for the catering company
and they needed servers

who were hot and willing to
wear these slutty outfits.

That, and I'm rolling.

Uh, are you from around here?

Sadly, but not for
long if I can help it.

You?

Uh, LA.

Figures.

Why? [LAUGHS]

Guys I wanna fuck are always from LA.

Huh. Well...

Uh, I guess that's flattering,
but I'm uh, pretty much gay.

No kidding.

What do you mean?

I don't wanna crush your male ego,

but I knew you were gay
the minute I saw you.

What? Really?

But your dick's not so gay
at the moment, now is it?

You're s......seems kinda...

Gay dudes are always super
into me for some reason.

I can't imagine why.

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC]

[AJA MOANING]

[SIGHS] You're so pretty.

God, you're so fucking pretty.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. [EXHALES]

What? Something wrong?

No, I just um...

I, I, I don't-I don't know
if this is a good idea.

If... if this is a consent issue,

I, I can sign something if you want.

No, it's um... look I...

I am having so much fun with you,

and you're so amazing, but um...

[CARLY SIGHS]

I have a boyfriend.

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry, I should've
said something sooner.

If you have a boyfriend,
then why are we here?

I know, fuck. Look, I'm
sorry, it's just...

[EXHALES] I'm an idiot
and I, I genuinely felt

this connection with you and
you're just so fucking hot.

God, I'm sorry. Do you hate me?

[LEIF LAUGHS]

Hey.

It's okay.

[LEIF LAUGHS]

You just relax now.

Thanks, dude.

You're the best, I mean it.

Whose bed is this?

It's mine.

Well, for the weekend at least.

Oh! Oh, okay.

Cool.

[QUIET UNZIPPING]

Shit.

That was fucking intense.

Yeah.

Well, thanks.

So, what? You're just gonna
go back to work now?

I guess. Unless they fired me already.

[ULYSSES LAUGHS]

Why, do you wanna cuddle or something?

No.

Well it was cool of you to go
down on me and everything.

Most gay guys don't.

So, you've uh, been with a
lot of gay dudes, or...

Well, like I said, the
gays really like me.

But for most of them,
seeing a vag up close

leaves them deeply traumatized.

Yeah, I feel kind of into it.

I think I get off on the
power of being in control

of another person's pleasure.

That's kinda hot.

Okay, ready?

Huh?

Come on, old man, let's go!

[MOANING]

Oops.

Fuck.

Sorry. [LAUGHS]

Aja, Aja, Aja, Aja, stop!

[AJA LAUGHING]

Oh my God! Stop it!

Aja, Aja!

[DOOR SLAMMING]

[AJA LAUGHING]

What's going on here?

Ulysses, I was just gonna come find you.

Looks like our friend Ford had
a little too much to drink.

Get away from him. Get out! Leave now!

- All right, all right.
- Go, I'll take it from here.

Oh, okay.

- Hey!
- Is everything okay?

Um, I... I'm not sure. Hey, buddy.

Okay.

- Bud, are you...
- See ya'.

Okay? Are you okay?

Dude, where are we going?

We're leaving.

- What, already?
- Yeah, the party is over.

You suck.

Just... just uh, just stay
here, I'm gonna go find Carly.

Who's Carly?

Just stay here. Don't move.

- All right.
- You're... do you understand me?

- Do not move.
- Oh, okay, bossy.

Hey.

[SOFT SCRAPING]

[LOUD THUD]

[LOUD PARTYING]

[LOUD LAUGHING]

Oh, Jesus.

♪ Run with me ♪

♪ Through all cities ♪

♪ Someday we'll be kings and queens ♪

♪ Kings and queens ♪

♪ Run with me ♪

♪ Through all cities ♪

♪ Someday we'll be kings and queens ♪

♪ Kings and queens ♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]