Not Safe with Nikki Glaser (2016): Season 1, Episode 15 - Mysteries of the Female Orgasm - full transcript

[ Cheers and applause ]

Right before they adjourned
for the summer,

the Supreme Court struck down
a law in Texas

that would have shut down

three-quarters of the state's
abortion clinics.

Conservatives were upset because
it was a very late-term ruling.

It was a huge victory
for women, though,

but it wasn't enough
to shut up Ted Cruz.

He posted on Facebook,

"Unfortunately,
the Supreme Court sided

with abortion extremists
who care more about providing



abortion on demand than they do
protecting women's health."

But, Ted, abortion on demand
is so convenient.

I just wish they didn't bundle
it with the ESPN Deportes.

It's like, "We get it.
Goal!"

You should be able to say,

"I want an abortion
and give me one."

It should be on demand,
you know, like we do with guns.

Abortions are safe and legal.

They're supposed
to be on demand.

What's the alternative?

Standing outside a clinic,
holding a coat hanger like,

"Boy, I sure hate kids."

Wink, wink.

I'm Nikki Glaser,
and is "Not Safe."



♪ Ready?

♪♪

Welcome to the show.

First things first.

Let's meet the people I'll
be perving out with tonight.

Her first time having sex
with an audience member,

she had sex
with three audience members.

It's Liza Treyger!

Hi.

I love you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

They really like --
They want in on it.

They want in.
Yeah, it was great.

And the first porn he
ever owned was actually just

a picture of a woman
getting a mammogram.

It's Jim Jefferies.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I went through
my mother's women's magazines.

And there was one naked tit,
and I was, like, 10 years old,

and I went,
"Ooh, a naked tit."

And I tore it out,
and I wanked off to it

for, like, two years
until I found out.

Was it a squish?

No, there was one tit
in a machine,

and the other one
was just like here.

And to this day,
I still get a stiffy

if I see, like,
an ill woman.

[ Laughter ]

Well, tonight, I want to talk
about the female orgasm,

because no one ever
talked about it to me.

Uh, I just found out about them,
like, yesterday, when -- yeah.

I still haven't heard
about them.

Yeah. I never knew anything
about them.

I just thought they were
just something you,

at some point,
were gonna have to fake.

Like, I just knew that
that was a thing.

Like, did you know
about orgasms?

No, yeah.

I thought it was, like, noises,
and then that was it.

Yes!
Like, I didn't know
anything else.

I didn't [bleep] with a dude
till, like, 30 deep,

you know what I mean?
-Yes.

I was just, like,
having sex with all these dudes

being like,
"Oh, is this -- This is it?"

-Yeah.
-Oh, 30 people deep.

Oh.
-Yeah.

-Oh, that makes --
-Wait, what did you think?

30 foot, 30 inches.

I -- I thought that was
a measurement.

[ Laughter ]

-That's what it takes.
-Yeah.

Yeah, dudes don't know.

They should teach it in sex ed.

I feel like everyone should be
taught, like, as women,

like, if you're not [bleep]
nobody's [bleep]

-Oh.
-That should be taught.

I just wish we were all taught
that, like,

"Oh, no, it's supposed
to feel great.

And it doesn't matter if a dude
says he loves you or not.

Like, go have sex with people
that make you feel good."

-Mm.
-Yeah?

That's so true.

It's always just like,

"Abstinence, pregnancy,
diseases."

And it's like, "I want more."

Jim, I wanted to ask you.

What was sex ed like
in Australia?

Is it different, because do
you guys learn about orgasms?

Um, we're getting there.

We just got
the Internet, so...

No, this is
the weird thing.

Sex education in Australia --
So, you get it from, like,

when you're 14 for, like,
six months in school.

And my mother was a supplement
teacher -- relief teacher.

What do you...
-Substitute.

Substitute -- my mother was
a substitute teacher

in Australia, and ironic --
at my school.

And ironically,
the woman who was meant

to teach me sex education

got pregnant and had
maternity leave, right?

And so the thing about my mother
being a substitute teacher,

you'd just walk into class,
and there she'd be, right?

And my mother's a 300-pound
angry individual.

[ Laughter ]

And I walked in like,
"Here we go. Sex education.

This is gonna be
a good time."

Carolyn Nugent just...

The whole time?
The whole semester?
For six months.

And she started off --
she'd be at the chart like,

"Here's a penis
and a vagina.

You'll have one
or the other."

You know what I mean?
-Oh, my God.

And so I knocked off.

I didn't go to that class
for six months.

So, officially,
I've never had sex education.

Wow.

Chatting to you is
the nearest thing I've had.

I just remember people got fake
babies that you could take home,

and then they would cry
and you'd have to, like,

take care of this fake baby.

And this one girl I didn't like
had a fake baby.

When she'd go buy lunch,
I would take the baby and, like,

put its head back over
and over so she would fail.

And that's all I remember
from sex ed.

How many orgasms
do you have a week?

Oh, I mean,
I masturbate a lot, yeah.

-You do?
-Yeah.

I don't, like, at all.

Ever?

I rely on sex, yeah.
It's hard.

Yeah, no.
I would rather have sex.

No one's excited
to just wand it up

all the time, but, you know...

I mean, I-I learned how,
and I'm gonna tell you how,

because I-I honestly wanted
to learn more

about the female orgasm,
so I tracked down one

of the only scientists
in America studying

the female orgasm
and brought along some women

who wanted to have one
with me.

Take a look.

So, what do you guys think
is actually happening

inside your body
when you're having an orgasm?

Your organs
are just shaking.

-Things get bigger and bigger.
-What gets bigger?

There's words
for all those things,

but I forget
what they are.

Like in seventh grade

when you did that science
experiment with the two bottles.

You think vinegar
and baking soda...
Yeah.

...are just rushing
to your vagina.

And you just, "Pssh!"

And that's what happens --
volcano vagina.

Nikki: It seems like most
women don't understand

the science behind
the female orgasm.

So, I sat down
with Dr. Nicole Prause,

a neuroscientist
who was conducting

a groundbreaking study
measuring the female orgasm.

So, you're basically the
Neil deGrasse Tyson of pussy.

Oh, my God.
I hope so.

What is an orgasm?
I have no idea
what an orgasm is.

We don't really know
what exactly triggers it.

We don't actually have
good data on that,

but we can use physical
measurements to see

whether or not a woman
is having contractions

that we think are
the main hallmark of orgasm.

How do you, on your end,

know if a lady
is having an orgasm,

aside from the camera
panning up to the moon?

We put an electric device
into a butt plug.

So, just...
typical Tuesday.

And so,
that probe measures the...

The rhythmic puckering
that happens with orgasms.

-Rhythmic puckering.
-Mm-hmm.

I love
that Paul Simon album.

Can some people
just not have an orgasm,

like Kirk Cameron's wife?

Some people physically just
cannot have orgasms.

Do you think that,
in our future,

we'll see a Viagra
for women?

The companies have been trying
for many years,

and many of them have given up
after spending billions.

So, Big Pharma was trying
to give us orgasms,

and it's just been
really hard

and so they kind of just
gave up.

It honestly -- it sounds like
most men in America.

So, how many women
have you gotten off?

Uh, we've had about 20 women
through the protocol so far.

Nice.

Nikki: Dr. Prause's study
could help countless women,

but as all federal funding
has gone to dick research,

she must rely solely
on volunteers.

So, sign my pussy up.

Have you guys ever used
a butt plug before?

-Finger.
-No.

I've never put anything
up my butt.
Oh, wow.

I'll ask you to insert the butt
plug while you're masturbating.

-Ready to do this?
-Ready to do it.

-Let's plug up the butt.
-Yeah, let's do it.

All right, so,
we're just gonna walk in here.

And you want to go ahead
and hop up on the table.

[ Door closes ]

What's going on in there?

She's got the device in.

Which we can see -- she's moving
around a little bit.

See, that looks like
my grandmother's signature.

-Whew.
-Great, how did it go?

I have been found.

This is like
the Dow Jones.

That was great.

She's flatlining.

It fell out a couple times.

That was a little more action
than what -- Ooh.

That was actually not
too bad.

You feel like it stayed
in okay?

I sat on it
so it didn't come out.

You want to go ahead and put the
device in just like we showed?

Whoa!

Yeah, something's
happening here.

The Rock better get
in a helicopter,

because there is
an earthquake a'coming.

Did you see that movie?

"San Andreas."
It's not that good.

All right, how did it go?

Marvelous.

Nikki:
Now it was my turn.

The pressure was on...my clit.

I'm sorry.
That was -- that was bad.

Since you have on pants,
you're gonna take those off

so you'll be nude
from the waist down.

Keep talking.

And then you put the...
right up in there.

Can I listen to audio
of my boyfriend crying?

That does it for me
for some reason.

Yeah, sure.

It's all up to you now.

You get, like, a good luck
or anything?

-Good luck.
-Thanks, coach.

Nikki: Jesus Christ.

I always got to do this.

Oh, yeah,
it's just you and me, wand.

[ Soft jazz music plays ]

The data was logged,
the numbers were crunched,

and the results...

I'm done.

Hopefully the research
I provided today

will help those
who come after me -- literally.

Would you say that this is a new
frontier, the female orgasm?

Absolutely.

I can't believe this work
wasn't done 40 years ago.

And this is exciting
that we have been

a part of this research.

You know how we sent dogs
to space first?

We're the dogs.
-Bitches.

Yes, Rhoda.

You're a bitch.

You're all bitches.

Nice.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah.
So, I did it.

I masturbated for science.

And?

Yeah, and it was --
it was good.

It was -- I had one.
It was great.

She said I was the fastest
of all of them.

-Nice.
-Yeah.

Did everyone --

I don't know
what it means.

Did everyone masturbate
the same way?
Uh, yeah.

We all had the Magic Wand,

and we all went in
and stuck a thing up our ass.

So, that was just --

Can I tell you
a fun story?

So, I have a bunch of
Magic Wands now because of you.

And so, um, I was hanging out
with friends, and I was like --

To my friend Aaron, I go,
"Oh, I have

two Magic Wands in that bag."

And he was like, "Oh, did you go
to Harry Potter World?"

[ Laughter ]

He thought just, like, wands.

It was great.

Well, I just want to really
reiterate that it is important

for women to give
themselves orgasms

before someone else does.

I mean, it's like a --

It's like being on a plane
and your oxygen mask.

Put it on yourself,
then do the child next to you.

Don't do that.
You know what I'm saying.

Be your own scientist,
ladies.

We'll be right back.

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

According to the New York Post,
millennials are so lazy,

they've started flirting
with gifs.

And I know I'm saying
that wrong, but --

I know it's "jif," but "gif"
is just eas-- gif, right?

-Yeah, Jif is peanut butter.
-Jif is peanut butter, yeah.

But it is supposed to be
pronounced "jif," but for the --

I'm going to be saying gif,
so don't tweet at me, okay?!

I get it!

But they're saying it's, like,
a great way to flirt.

But I don't know.
What do you guys feel like?

Have you been flirting
with gifs?

-No, but I would love it.
-Yeah?

I think it's cute --
Like, if it was an animal

doing something cute
or something, I would like it.

And it takes a lot of effort
to find a gif that matches,

you know, what you're feeling.
-It really does.

It takes longer
than actually coming up

with a sentence
that evokes how you feel.

-Yeah, it does.
-Jim, do you gif?

This is the first time
I've heard about gifs.

Really?
Like, I feel like, though,

that we're learning
our social cues from gifs now.

Like, kids are
just gonna be like,

"OH, sadness is when
you go..."

[ Laughter ]

Like, repeated
a thousand times.

Like, that's -- sometimes they
just grasp it so well, though.

Just like sometimes a real
housewife will make a face

and you're like,
"That is everything to me.

Thank you, Bethenny."
-Yes.

"You really summed up
how I feel.

Thank you."

But I think it really does go
further than just flirting.

It's just how
we're communicating now,

because why spell out words
when you could just send a gif?

Like, if you want to say,

"Don't put it in my butt
without asking me first."

[ Laughter ]

I feel like that's a pretty
efficient way to say that,

and you don't have
to get dirty about it.

Or you could send this one
when he calls you "curvy."

[ Laughter ]

Okay, the good thing
about this one --

this one works the same
as the last one.

[ Laughter ]

"Don't put it in my butt
without asking."

Yeah, it's the same one.

[ Laughs ]

And this next one speaks
for itself.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] Yes!

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I want to sit on your face!"
That's what it means.

Oh, I thought, "Do you want to
sit on my pussy," or something.

[ Laughter ]

So, tonight,
we are going to come up

with some gifs
of our own.

This is
"I Come Bearing GIFs."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Our legal department
made us spell "come" like that.

Jim, you just learned
what a gif was,

but you came up
with some for us.

-I know about gifs.
-Oh, you know.

So, what's one
you brought us?

This one's,
"I just want you to know

that I haven't had sex
in over a year."

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Is that Justin Long?
-It is Justin Long.

-Just taking it.
-He's just taking it.

Liza, what do you got?

When you try a position
you saw in a porno.

Oh.

[ Laughter and applause ]

That's a nice way
to say that.

I also think this is like,
"Oh, hey, your roommate

could watch us [bleep]
but it's not gonna be pretty.

Like, it's not gonna
go down well."

Here's one
I like to use when

he tells me his
ex-girlfriend is dead.

[ Laughter ]

This also works if he tells you
he doesn't have parents.

You're like, "Oh! Yes!

I never have
to meet them."

He's kind of cute.
That's like if Bernie
won the election.

[ Laughter and applause ]
That's totally it.

Jim, you're up.

This is my favorite one.

This is when she tells you
her period is over.

[ Laughter and applause ]

That kid's a genius.

Liza?

Oh, when you tell all your
girlfriends that he's [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ]
I love that they're crying.

Liza, you got another one?
-Yeah.

"I was trying
to masturbate to you,

and then I accidentally thought
about my mother."

[ Laughter and applause ]

I love that one.

Liza, one more?

When the dick
doesn't match the dick pic.

[ Laughing ]
Thank you for that, Liza.

But you'll do it anyways,
you know what I mean?

Yeah,
you'll do it anyways.

No, for me, like, when a dick
doesn't match the dick pic,

it's like if I ordered cheese
fries and then I get, like,

fries with American cheese
slices melted on it.

It's, like, disappointing,
but you'll eat it anyways.

-'Cause you're drunk.
-Yeah, 'cause you're drunk.

What I do with dick pics,
back when I used to send them,

right, I just have
ready-made ones.

I never take one especially
for you.

I just have a back catalog
in me phone

of my dick
in different emotional states.

Oh.

What you do is you put things
in the picture,

like those little bottles
of vodka you get on airplanes,

and you say, "That's
a full-size bottle of vodka."

[ Laughter ]

Well, you guys,
we just showed you our gifs.

Now we want to see the gifs
you use to flirt.

Send your favorites
to @NotSafeShow using

the #IComeBearingGIFs,

and then tell me what they mean,
'cause I can't read your minds.

We'll be right back.

[ Cheers and applause ]