Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Caretaker - full transcript

Admin Assistant...

Nope. Telemarketing Operative.

No chance.

All right, what about this one?

Do we have to?

Come on, Lee. You've got to get motivated. Get a proper job.

It's no good sitting around doing nothing.

I've read that moving is the most stressful thing you can do. That's moving house.

Go on, then. You've got a point, I suppose. Carry on.

Hospital Receptionist.

Forget it. I've done it before. I can't do it again. I got the sack. Why?



I had my unique way of telling people the news.

Once, this bloke came in - "Has my wife had the baby?"

I said, "Yes." He said, "What news?"

I said, "Monday's child is fair of face, Tuesday's child is full of grace, Wednesday's child is full of woe, Thursday's child - club foot."

Some people, they can't take a joke.

# Yeah, not going out, not staying in

# Hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

All right, what about this one?

"Trainee required for human resource department of a blue-chip brokers,

liaising within a defined business workplace."

I didn't understand any of that.



You may as well have said, "Flapjack Tickler for Fluffing Up Plastic Cock-Sprockets."

Let me interpret for the hard of thinking.

A person is required to help some nice people in a big office that deals with lots of pennies.

I'd rather insert a comprehensively sized bludgeon instrument into my own brown-chip excavation cavity.

Well, my friendly flatmate, if you ever decide to do that, you will have my full support.

In fact, I'll be right behind you.

Can't you get Hong Kong Phooey to do this? Who?

Henry, the mild-mannered janitor.

You mean Mr Atkins, the maintenance man? Could be!

He retired last week.

I bet it's great being retired. It's like the dole without the stigma.

And you don't have get out of bed to go to the toilet.

What about this? Database Programme Administrator for Corporate Information Systems.

Say it again, you dirty bitch!

Speaking of dirty...

That wasn't me, actually. Yes, it was.

Why? Who else has been here? No-one.

A woman. What woman?

A woman... from Italy.

What was her name? Margarita.

It was Tim, wasn't it? Yes.

Do you know what annoys me? The fact that he comes over here? Wrong.

That he's my ex? Wrong. That he ruined it all having a stupid fling?

Wrong. Shall I tell you what it is?

You'll have to.

I keep getting it wrong.

It's that that he still thinks I need him.

No, I am not the one who tried to shove a coconut down there.

I was bored.

Why do we need all these gadgets?

We were fine before we had waste disposal, coffee makers, showers.

You never had showers? We didn't need them. We had bath night.

You bathed so infrequently you named a night after it? That is disgusting.

It wasn't that bad. We also had Flannel Thursday.

Sorry, can you say that again?

I had a job interview this afternoon.

Timothy, you're so immature.

It wasn't me who tried to fit his fist and three Curly Wurlies in his mouth.

So what's the job? Have a guess.

I dunno. Selling speakers out the back of a car, or something involving a paper hat?

Try property management.

What happened to all your fancy dreams?

Like being a professional darts player?

None of us are getting any fatter.

So what brought this on? Trying to prove a point to Kate.

She reckons I'm unmotivated.

Why are you so bothered what Kate thinks?

Well, cos she's a mate.

All right, I'm your mate. You should stay exactly as you are and hold on to your dreams.

It's like having a pint with Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Sorry, but it's hard since me and Kate split.

Whenever you talk about it, it makes me feels like, I dunno... my nose is being put out of joint.

It really is like being out with Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I take it it didn't go well? It's probably your interview technique.

My interview technique's fine.

All right, I'll test you. I'll be the interviewer.

Hello. Come in. Take a seat.

That was quick.

Nice to meet you. I hope you don't mind me bringing my pint with me.

I'm not an alcoholic, I just do it till the screaming in my head stops.

Don't worry. I've brought one myself. I'm gonna enjoy working here.

So what do you feel you could offer this company? Well, I think...

Make eye contact. It shows you're being honest.

Well, I think I can offer a lot to this company

and if you were to employ me, I think you'd be pleased.

What are you doing? Showing I have nothing to hide.

Apart from dead bodies in your fridge?

Stop it. It's like watching a monkey staring at a Rubik's Cube.

Do you think you could describe yourself in five words?

Er... Yes.

Well, go on, then.

Oh. I'm...big.

Big? Nice.

Big and nice. What about cuddly? Shut up. Er... Clean... And good.

That's four. What about innumerate? Fun.

Nice, big, good, clean, fun.

What are you, a bouncy castle?

Have I got the job or not, you annoying get? That should seal it. When can you start?

You won't regret this boss. You're freaking me out. You're fired.

Two seconds. That's still your record.

No wonder you didn't get the job.

That's where you're wrong.

They offered it me.

Well, I won't talk to you now, you're obviously still on a high.

It's live-in.

You're going to have to move out of the flat?

Well done. They obviously taught you something at St Spoilt Bastards Grammar,

apart from lacrosse and buggery.

So, what's the problem?

Oh, I see. You don't want to move out of your cosy little nest.

Oh, here we go, all aboard the Irrational Express.

It's like you're taking over my life. First stop Mental Keynes...

Look, maybe you should just give the job a go?

I mean, at the end of the day,

you can always pack it in after a couple of weeks and move back in.

At least you'll show you gave it a shot.

You reckon? Yeah.

Didn't you ever get told the story about lion and the giraffe?

It's a bit like your situation.

The lion and the giraffe lived in the same house.

But it was live-in.

But he did it anyway, just to prove a point.

Then after a couple of weeks, he packed it in and moved back in.

But the giraffe now thought he was great. The end.

Yeah. It is quite similar, isn't it?

Oh, let me help you there.

And down.

Oh! What am I like?

Cystitis.

The elevator's broken again. You should have used the lift.

So what are you hippies publishing now?

Cooking With Lesbian Broccoli?

It's actually called Jobs And Ethicality.

Meaning what? Jobs? That's what grown-ups have to do when they need to earn sweetie money.

I meant the other bit.

Surely even you've heard of ethics?

And don't say, "It's near Thuthex."

Well, maybe I should see if the new job I've got is in here.

What new job? Melting the polar ice-caps with the help of Third World child labour.

Oh, no, it doesn't appear to have made it in.

I've got a job. In property.

I went for the interview this afternoon. They want me to start straight away.

I am completely speechless. That is awesome.

Gosh, I'm blown away. That's so amazing.

Oh, my God, that's so cool!

And that's an American being speechless, is it?

All I need to do now is get you to steer Mr Pee Pee

into the magic white bowl and you'll be perfect.

Well, you don't have to worry about that sort of stuff any more either,

because I'm moving out.

What do you mean, moving out? The job comes with accommodation.

I was supposed to move in this afternoon,

but I didn't want to go until I'd said a proper goodbye.

Goodbye.

Is that it?

No, can you grab that one?

I'll pay you the rent up until the end of this month.

Why? You didn't pay it up until the end of last month.

Well, the least I can do is carry on not paying you

up until the end of this month too.

When will I see you again? When you're moving as far away as I am, who can tell?

The next time you're looking at an old teabag in the sink,

or a half-eaten Jammie Dodger on the edge of the bath, just think of me.

See you. Bye.

And I just want you to know, if there's anything you want - sinks unblocking, gutters clearing,

English lessons - all you've got to do is knock.

You'll always get preferential treatment from me.

I'm sorry, madam. If you've got any problems I'm afraid you'll have to fill out a form.

If that pencil goes missing, I know where you live.

So, how's the bedsit? Not too small, is it?

No, it's great being able to turn the telly over without getting off the toilet.

Have you given me the right uniform?

Of course I have, they're supposed to be roomy.

You don't think maybe... What?

It's just that we look like Laurel and Hardy being held in Guantanamo Bay.

I'll be here for the first week just to keep an eye on you,

but it's all straightforward stuff.

Pick off the congealed bird droppings from the communal toilet skylight.

Get rid of any old dog muck from around the bin area.

Well, that's the perks covered. What about the actual job?

Check the sewage outlet isn't blocked.

Is there anything that doesn't involve picking up sh... Language!

Number twos? Yes, number three.

We're refitting the penthouse apartment and the lift's broken,

so I need you to shift that lot to the top floor.

You've got to be joking. Yeah, I am, actually.

I mean that lot.

It's funny.

I thought I'd be lonely living on my own.

Thought I'd miss my old room-mate.

But actually it's fine.

I've never really been one of those people who needed the company of others.

I don't want to keep you.

So, it's just the thin crust Vegetarian Deluxe and a garlic bread.

Oh, it's you.

You've built me up, now all you've got to do is knock me down.

Hang on a second, I'll go get the car.

What do you want, Tim?

Can I come in? Why? Why not?

Because you had an affair and completely ruined my life. Apart from that.

Because I never want to see you again as long as I live.

Keep going. I'll let you know when I've got something.

Make it quick.

So, you coping OK? On your own?

Well, it was difficult.

But now I've fitted one of those little doors on the side of the bath,

It's nice seeing Lee doing something with his life, working hard.

Oh, yeah?

Watch him from your window, do you, with your Diet Coke?

You are so insecure.

Hang on, why would it have to be DIET Coke?

Kate, I've been thinking.

Now that Lee's gone, maybe you should think about getting someone else in?

Maybe a girl, for a change.

Oh. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Some little bimbo running around with an IQ of 40 and still in need of potty training. She was 23.

Sorry. IQ of 23.

All I'm saying is, having someone else here

might make things...simpler.

For who?

For everybody.

When I need your advice, you'll know, cos I'll be wearing one of those

little white jackets with the sleeves that tie up behind the back.

I'm perfectly happy on my own.

So I used to vacuum only on a Wednesday,

but now sometimes I vacuum on Thursday. Isn't that interesting?

Can I go yet?

No.

# I like to move it, move it You like to move it, move it... #

# Movin' on up Movin' on out... #

# Lifted We could be lifted... #

# He ain't heavy

# He's my... #

# Everybody hurts... #

Well, look who it is -

it's the man who used to think Countdown was breakfast television.

It's Mr Nine To Five.

I can't do this for two weeks.

You can't pack it in.

I don't care. Anyway, didn't you hear about the bunny rabbit that got a job?

Go on. He dropped dead.

I'm packing it in...tomorrow.

Aren't you worried what Kate will think?

She's not my mum. That's true.

She's got her own teeth and she's never been in Strangeways.

I thought you were trying to prove a point to her.

Kate will still respect me.

Yeah, she'll respect you. She respects all living things. Even plant life.

But then again, most plants last more than two days.

All right. You've made your point.

I'll stick at it a bit longer. Good.

I'm sure the job isn't that bad.

I can't feel the top half of my legs. You shouldn't be doing that at work anyway.

Oh, sorry, I should have knocked.

Oh, hello. How's it going?

Yeah, not bad, I should be finished in a minute.

I meant your little job. ..Don't.

Slacking, are we? I'm not, actually.

I'm following health and safety guidelines on heavy lifting...

I have.

Still not flushing, I see.

So, are you missing me?

Mmmmmm.

A bit. But only the way a mother misses a child. That's quite a bit.

It's not her child. She was looking after it for the afternoon.

Go on. It's not his wife.

He's having an affair...

with the smelly kid's mum, and she stinks as well.

So, how much do you really miss me, out of ten?

How much do you miss me out of ten?

Let's say it at the same time.

All right. When I point to you, you have to say it. Here we go.

Ha. Only joking. Ready?

Nine. Eight.

Nine.

I always say eight when I mean nine.

That's why I can never say no to a German girl.

So, er...do you want me to have a look at your plumbing, madam?

I presume that's some sort of British euphemism for vagina.

And cut. Sorry, have you not worked on a Carry On film before?

Meeting some nice new people.

I hope you're not

skiving up there! >

He's only joking. It's this friendly banter thing we do. He pretends he's annoyed.

Shut up, you pillock. You what? Nothing.

So, why wouldn't I stick at it?

I just thought you were trying to prove a point, then you'd pack it in.

I've never been so insulted in all my life.

Well, you should get out more.

Anyway, I'd better go.

I've got things to do. Interviewing a potential new flatmate tonight.

What do you mean, new flatmate? Well, I mean, it seems silly to just leave the place empty.

And I thought it would make things simpler.

Bye.

So now what should I do?

Stay in the job and keep my dignity, or tell Kate it was all a sham and move back in?

Cheers, you've been a big help, love.

You might want to stop biting your nails, by the way. It's getting way out of hand.

Almost finished, then?

Well done. You know what? I were unsure about you at first.

You reminded me of a bloke I once knew.

He had no confidence, no skills,

no prospects, no future, nothing to get up for in the morning.

Hurry up. I'm supposed to be killing myself this afternoon.

Do you know what happened to that bloke?

Wow. You finally got your hands on a woman.

She certainly put up a hell of a fight.

What are you doing away from your desk?

Has there been a paper clip embargo?

Just come to see the hard worker.

Look at you. The future's bright.

Try and get that lift sorted out.

I may have loads of stuff to move up to number 17.

She can't share with a man.

Why not? She shared with me.

Yeah, but he's a proper man.

He's probably got a career, and money, and a life.

you're going to have to jack the job in and move back in.

I know, I haven't exactly been keen on you being there.

But at least nothing's ever happened between the two of you.

"I can't stand here chatting, I've got dog poo to clear up."

Do you really want Mr X to walk in and steal your identity?

Sitting in your chair, using your remote, talking to your...landlady.

Come on, you know it makes sense.

HE SIGHS

Don't worry about the remote thing. I took it with me.

I stand outside her door and change channels.

She thinks she's got a poltergeist. Just hurry up!

Basically, I've just finished building an irrigation system out in Jaipur.

12 hours a day in the blistering heat,

but it was worth it just to see the smiles on those wee orphans' faces.

Mmmm. Lovely.

Have you always been such a great cook?

I do...

I mean, I have.

And before that I worked at the Mahesh Yogi Temple in Mumbai.

Wow. That's why I love

this place so much.

You've created a real sense of peace and tranquillity, Kate.

# Who can take a sunrise Sprinkle it in dew

# Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two? #

Don't you mean property management operative?

It doesn't scan.

Kate, can I have a word?

In private.

It's not a great time. What is it?

Er... I just got to check your flat...for woodworm.

Can't you do it later?

There might not be a later.

The woman downstairs had to be identified by her dental records.

Jay-pur, Mumb-ay...

Excuse my Americanisms.

Let's just say "Africa".

You're obviously a man who likes a challenge.

Oh, yeah. My friends often tease me.

They say I should bottle what I've got and try selling it.

Yep, I've heard it's really good for roses.

John Lennon once said "Find a job you love,

"you'll never have to work a day in your life."

He also said there were eight days in a week

and, "I am a walrus," so can you trust him?

Well, in the words of Paul McCartney,

"Can you carry on with your job, but without making such a racket."

He was probably talking to Ringo.

Would you like some tea, Peter? Mmm.

I don't suppose you'd have an organic lemon grass or jasmine?

Sure do. Janitor?

I'll have the one the monkeys drank when they carried that piano down the stairs.

Sorry. Is that annoying you? No, it's fine.

What about that?

Honestly, it's not a problem.

So, you're going to be Kate's new flatmate, are you?

Yeah. Hopefully. She seems really nice.

Yeah, yeah, she is.

And good on ya, mate. You're obviously not the kind of person to judge.

Judge what? Exactly.

What someone does in the privacy of their own home is up to them.

The police.

Why, what does she do, exactly?

HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

And how often does she do that?

Just as soon as she's sold enough tickets.

Could you tell Kate that... I'll give her a call?

Hey, don't be like that, mate. She doesn't always use live ones!

Where's Pete?

As I first suspected, I'm afraid he's disappeared up his own arse.

You did something, didn't you?

Stay calm. Sun salutation. Downward dog.

I will try and say this as calmly and as politely as possible.

You are an annoying, irritating...

Come on, you can try harder than this. ..doofus.

Me? It's not me that thinks Mumbai's in Africa.

Now what am I going to do? I have to find somebody else.

A man I know.

A man who's been an idiot.

A man who's been lying to try and impress a girl.

A man who thinks he knows everything but a man who knows nothing.

Isn't that from Casablanca?

Oh, yes.

A man who's got himself in a stupid situation cos he wants to move in with this girl

but if he does, it would prove he's a failure.

Well, I don't want him to move in.

Oh.

I'm sorry. That's just never going to work.

Look, this might sound silly,

but why don't you just move back in?

I'm talking about me, you daft cow.

Oh, OK. Right!

Well, what's the problem? The problem is that this man...

Me.

..has got a job,

and he doesn't want to jack it in cos he's got his pride.

Well, you know what they say pride comes before, don't you?

# ..Venus was her name

# She's got it Yeah baby, she's got it... #

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, I've come about the room.

You're very confident. Come in.

Peaceful and tranquil place. Perfect for keepy-uppies and passing wind.

So, do you have a job?

I did have until very recently

but I was falsely accused of killing a disabled Greek woman.

We've all been there.

So what are the terms? Same deal as my previous tenant.

The rent will have to be paid in dribs and drabs,

and if you haven't got it,

I'll just put up with the situation. Does that sound OK?

It's not perfect, but if you're willing to throw in a bit of sarcasm, you might have a deal.

You remind me of my last landlady.

Really? Yes, she was from a place in India called San Francisco.

Actually, I say landlady, she was more of a...

Helper? To get you rehabilitated into society

and get you to do proper wee wees?

You could say helper.

I was going to say crazy hippy white witch vegan lunatic.

But yes, helper is good.

HE SNIFFS

What's that smell?

Oh, this?

But you'd have to buy a ticket.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006