Not Dead Yet (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Not Dating Yet - full transcript

Morning.

Good would be if I
was still asleep.

But, uh, yeah.

Do you think you can,
uh, turn that game down

or, I don't know, off?

First of all,
StarRim isn't a game.

It's a space opera.

I'm sorry, there's
a "second of all"?

Second of all, today's
the release date

of StarRim Nine, StarRim
Diablo, and I have to play it

all the way through before it's
ruined by some noob online.



No offense.

Why would that be offensive?

Are you kidding? No,
I'm not even awake.

I can feel your eyes on
me, and I don't like that.

I've just never seen
anybody double-fist

a space opera before.

Happy to not look.

Every sniper needs a marksman,
and I do not have one.

I'm happy to teach you, I guess,

but the training
will be rigorous

and it will not make us friends.

No, thanks.

I can't imagine staring
at a screen this early.

If it's about StarRim,
please do not say anything.



Uh, no, no. It's,
um... my ex, Phillip,

just posted a
picture with a girl.

I thought you guys broke up.

We did.

Yeah, we've... we've been
broken up for months,

so he could date whoever
he wants to and so can I.

But you don't, and if you did,

I would really want
to meet him first

so I could tell him the rules
on how to clean the skillets.

Also, am I crazy, Edward,
or does she look like me?

D... Edward!

Doesn't she kinda look like me?

No. Her eyes pop and
aren't hooded like yours.

You can unpause your game now.

- Captions by VITAC...

There you go.

Thank you.

$2 tip on a $4 coffee?

That's 50%.

Oh... Oh, I-I'm not stealing,

I'm just recalibrating the tip.

How often do you
find your inability

to do simple math
costs you money?

I don't know, like
40% of the time?

Or wait, no... one-third?

Good grief. It's
worse than I thought.

Okay, look, Rand, you may be
an award-winning mathematician,

but you're dead, so if
you're sticking around

to teach me some kind of lesson
while I write your obituary,

you could just go, because
I don't need your help.

Great, I have no
interest in your life.

I spent mine trying to
solve the Rainbow Paradox,

and I plan on sticking
around to finish the job.

Preferably without some
millennial's vocal fry

buzzing in my ear like a gnat.

Good. Because I'm
doing just fine.

Your eye makeup is garish.

Hey, you.

How is everything? Great.

I haven't finished that
math guy's obit yet,

but everything seems
pretty straightforward.

Oh, honey, I am not talking
about that boring old nerd.

Wow, don't die in Pasadena.

I'm talking about Phillip's
post this morning.

You saw that?

Duh,
he's a great follow.

Although, who is that girl?

Talk about uggo, am I right?

You don't have to say that.
I know she's stunning.

Oh, thank God. She
is though, right?

Normally my type is, like,
a femme Rachel Maddow,

but I would make an
exception for that one.

This is what you
guys talk about?

I worked at JPL.

There are telescopes
named after me.

Hey. It's fine.

I'm fine. Well, you should be,

because that girl is
hid-eh-oose Mozart.

She's not. Ugh, I know.

Honestly, it's all good, okay?

I don't even care
about that girl

and her very stylish
necklace layering.

Phillip has moved
on with his life

and I'm moving on
with mine. Wow!

I am very happy to hear you
say that because I would love

to be a caring friend
to you right now,

but I have to run
off to a meeting

that is just
editors and not you.

Ohh, in retrospect, I could
have said that better.

It's okay. I'm good. Go.

Okay. I don't need anything.

Okay!

Hey, psst, Mason, I need you.

Oh, hard pass, dawg.

Oh, listen, I have a very urgent
journalistic task for you,

falling under the
newspaper's purview

and not at all driven
by personal emotion.

So, like an
assignment? Uh, yeah.

Exactly. Just like that.

Uh, you see this girl?

I need you to find out
everything you can about her.

Yeah, she's hot. I'll do it.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Hey, you.

I heard you were down, so I
heated up a salad for you.

Oh, okay. Yeah.
Alright, thanks, Tina.

Oh, no, the salad's
still for me.

I just made it in your honor.

You...

Oh, this is dire.

There's just no way to spin
this into an uplifting story.

I know. These numbers
are devastating.

Look, she got eight likes.

I accidentally posted a photo
of my faucet and I still got 32.

Oh, your dish soap
looked so cute.

Thank you.

We put it in a glass bottle

so we could feel like
we're in olden times.

Guys, we shouldn't
be doing this.

We shouldn't be looking
at Nell's profile.

What we should be doing
is looking at Phillip's

to discuss how lame he
and his girlfriend are.

Mm.

I've got nothing. I fold.

It's like a Google image search
for the word "romance." Hmm.

There's no way that
Nell's okay with this.

Rand, I don't have
time for this.

It's not my fault that
you didn't finish it

before you were dead.

Should I be worried?

I mean, I already have one
employee who microwaves lettuces.

I can't afford two.

Nell's fine, okay?

She just needs, like, a little
nudge to get back out there.

I will set her up with someone
because I'm her best friend.

Excuse me, I'm
actually an expert

in setting up straight people.

There are Springsteen fans,
and there are Billy Joel fans.

The trick is you never
cross the streams.

What exactly makes
you an "expert"?

I have a gay moon and
a heterosexual rising,

otherwise known as bi.

So we'll be placing
bets on this, right?

'Cause I'm gonna win.

Nell! How?

I know rich guys.

So this is what the inside
of this room looks like.

Fancy. I'll have a wine
spritzer if you got 'em.

I'm kidding. I'll
just stand here.

Nell, do you know why you
were called in here today?

You're finally gonna
give me a feature?

A feature? You're hilarious.

Very funny. She's funny.

We should set her up
with someone funny.

Mm. Mm.

You guys are trying
to set me up on dates?

Okay, that is so inappropriate.
I'm a professional.

I am a woman
journalist... woman,

and my personal life doesn't
belong in the workplace.

Shame on you.

Hey, hey. So I got some
info on that smokeshow.

Okay.

Apparently, she's on
the 30 Under 30 list

for London's Hottest
Pastry Chefs.

And she used to be Woman
#3 in the P90x video.

And she's a vicar's daughter,
so you know she's freaky.

I changed my mind.
Bring me the men.

Bring me all the men!

So, Dennis told me

that you were living
in London with your ex?

Yeah. Yeah. How
long were you there?

For five years.

Yeah, we were actually engaged.

Did he tell you that?

Should I tell you
that? Should I not?

I don't know. Oh,
I...

You're the first person that
I've gone out with since him,

but that's probably
pretty obvious.

I'm sorry. I'm
really bad at this.

So, do you have any siblings?

No. None. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, alright.

Alright. That's
the end of that question.

No, hey, I get
it. Dating sucks.

I have been at it for
quite a while now.

But I actually found there's
a mathematical equation

that can determine your
one true soul mate.

I don't like this guy.

I have a pretty high EQ,

which is actually more
important than the IQ.

It is not. Real
scientists have created

something called the
five love languages.

They
have not. Hmm. Right.

I read about this on a plane.

Okay, then, um, how
about on the count of three,

we each call out our
own love language

to see how compatible we are.

Okay. Alright.

One, two, three.

Acts of service. Gifting.

Ohh.

What? What's wrong?

My ex was a gifty like you.

I don't think this
is gonna work.

You don't even know if
I'm anything like her.

Your wants come first.

You want to drain my bank
account and live the fast life.

So, do you like bagels?

I don't eat food
with holes in it.

Cool.

Well, it was,
um, very nice of you

to adamantly walk me home,

even though I did
say several times

I could do it on my own.

Acts of service.
Okay, you know,

I-I think you may be putting
too much stock into that stuff.

Huh. Hi, I'm Edward,
Nell's roommate.

If you're gonna be staying
with us, two things...

one, good for you, get it,

and two, there's
a couple of things

I want you to know about
how we clean the skillets.

Edward. Please. He's leaving.

I guess we have nothing
left to talk about.

Yep.

Maybe I spoke too soon.

Yeah, unfortunately it just
wasn't a match with Ross.

Yeah, I don't understand that.
You both like Billy Joel.

Well, at least my
roommate got his number.

Turns out, they're both
into some space opera.

Ugh, God, I started a bromance.

Yes, you did. What
am I, "Top Gun"?

Nell, so glad you're here.

There is someone I
would like you to meet.

Hm. Where... Where is he?

Just give it a second.

He's coming.

He was right
behind me. Mm-hmm.

It's gonna be
worth it. Just...

Oh, no. Alistair.

Ah. Salutations.

Oh, not to me, to her.

Salutations.

Can everyone see him, or
is it just me?

This is a dear friend of my
family, Alistair Banister.

And before anyone asks, yes,

Banister of the
handrails fortune.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Thank you for helping
me stay on the stairs.

Salutations.

Yes, Alistair has come
to take you to dinner.

It's 3:30.

Yeah. E-E-Excuse me, Lexi.

I hope you don't mind,

but I have to go make water.

I'll be back in an hour.

I hope you don't
mind eating late.

Mm.

Isn't he great?

He is so rich, he has someone
who bathes and feeds him.

I don't think
that's a rich thing.

Okay, look, guys, I really
appreciate you trying to help,

but I just

I'm starting to think
that I-I'm just...

I'm not ready for
this. I'm sorry.

I think I nearly figured it out!

Great because
I thought about it,

and if you want to solve
my problems, too, you can.

Well, that depends.

Is one of your problems
the square root of four?

I get it,
I suck at math, okay?

Well, I suck at humans.

Relationships aren't
predictable like numbers.

They're, like,
unsolvable equations.

That's why I stay
away from people.

Maybe that's the lesson you
were supposed to teach me, Rand.

Maybe I'm like you.

Maybe I'm not a
relationship person.

Hmm.

Yeah. Thanks.

Sure.

I guess I could
send that obit now.

Oh, I think I solved it! I
just need to carry the one...

Oops.

It's probably fine.

What is that?

It's an everything bagel,
but it's still not enough.

Give me that.

Oh. What?

Hey! I was gonna 'gram that!

What is going on with you?
Are you really not okay?

I was until you
threw out my bagel.

Okay, look, it's understandable
that you would be upset

after everything that happened,

and it fully sucks that Phillip
found someone that can even,

like, roll up her jeans
in a really cute way.

She was wearing a
skirt in that photo.

I may have done a deep dive.

You're not just gonna magically
wake up one day and be okay,

but you have to take
that first step.

I mean, think about
how many terrible dates

I went on before I met Keith.

Wasn't Keith one of them? No.

He wore khakis to Coachella.

We have moved on from
that. Yes, we have.

And you need to move on, too,
so go on one more date, alright?

We'll keep it casual.
We'll go for some wine.

He's really hot.

How hot? Hotter than Phillip.

Crab apples. That was a
long one.

Well, don't you
look hotsy-totsy.

Okay, I'll go.

So, Ari, uh, what do you
think of love languages?

Is that, like, a
British reality show?

Sorry,
I'm not really aware

of anything that's
happened in the world

since my kids were born.

Ah, you haven't missed much.

Except for the fact
that we found out

that Britney was not
free, and we freed her.

You're funny, Nell. You
were right about her, Sam.

I know.

I shouldn't have said
that out loud. Sorry.

I have not been on
a date in a while.

Oh, I totally get it.

You're doing great. Thanks.

Uh, I heard that you spent
the last five years in London.

So exciting. Yeah.

Me, I feel like I've been kind
of cooped up with my kids.

But honestly, fatherhood
has totally changed my life.

Yeah, I feel like I was
born to be a dad, you know?

It wasn't until I met my kids
that I really met myself.

Ah. Aww.

Enough Dad talk. Sorry.

No, it's fine. Great!

Because, um, my son just
started swim lessons

and I feel like it's totally
gonna change his life.

I was just saying
that about swim lessons.

Wasn't I just saying that
about swim lessons, Nell?

Tell him I was just saying
that about swim lessons.

She was just saying
that about swim lessons.

Oh,
that's the sitter. Excuse me.

What did I tell you? So hot.

Knocked
that one out of the park.

He's so hot... I know.

For you. What?

Come on. Come on.

Sam, he's amazing, but he
is just totally not my type.

He is your type.

Are you joking? He
is everyone's type.

Hey, I'm sorry. I need
to go home right now.

My kid has a temperature of 98.

Wait, is that too
low or too high?

It could be either. Could it?

Uh, can you drive me home, Sam?

I-I'm way too upset to drive.

Me? Uh, sure.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, no, he's
weird. I'm over it.

Cricket? Cricket: Mm-hmm?

Do you think love is
an unsolvable equation?

Why would you say that?

Well, it was just
something someone told me.

Well, that dork
probably never had

a real relationship
in their life.

Love
is not to be solved.

Honey, it's to be felt.

Oh. You know, Monty and I,

we didn't meet till I was older,

when I least expected
to meet anyone.

And, even then, it took a
minute before I realized,

"Oh, this is it."

A connection can come
when you don't expect it.

Ugh. So what are
you supposed to do?

Just, like, wait?

Stop trying to force everything.

The door to the past
will close on its own.

Unlike your bar tab.

Mm-hmm.

"The hot pastry chef
just donated all her hair

to build a nest for eagles.

She's even hotter now."

Thanks, Mason.

Ugh.

Sorry.

I hear that really
opens up the palate.

Sorry, I didn't
mean to offend you.

It's fine. I-I'm fine.

No, it's just you seem upset.

Well, I... Yeah, I'm
a grown-ass woman

that's about to raise her voice
to a stranger at a wine bar,

so, yeah, no, that's
not really fine.

And actually, this
past week was not fine,

and neither have
the past five years.

So, come to think of it, no.

No, I'm definitely not fine.

Okay.

Do you wanna talk about it?

Fine.

This is the photo. Can
you see why I'm upset?

I don't know.

It seems like you really
shut down that buffet.

No, not that one.

This one. Oh.

It's of my ex and his
new girlfriend, I guess.

She is not ugly.

Ohh. But neither are you.

Thank you, but I can't
compete with this...

This big-eyed pastry chef.

She looks like a
Pixar character.

And it feels so pointed.

I mean, he knows
I love pastries.

I think everybody does
after the buffet photo.

It was... It was a lot.

Oh, I'm sorry for
unleashing on you.

This is... ugh.

I am just a disaster.

No. No, you're not.

Honestly, it's comforting.

I-I just ended a
relationship also.

It sucks. Yeah.

Do you, uh, still
talk to your ex?

No. Um...

She was great, but things
ended and that was that.

And you're not
secretly married? No.

And you're not a psycho? No.

And you swear you don't
actually like improv?

Yes.

And... I can't even pretend.

No, I don't.

I don't like it at all.

So you're pretty great.
What's the catch?

Come on, there's gotta be one.

Well, or maybe this is just
us meeting at the right time.

Both of us out of relationships,

not really sure how
to move forward.

Oh, that's weird, though.

No, but it happens.

Does it? Yeah.

Yeah, something out of the blue

and it's not terrible?

Maybe this is how
it's supposed to be.

Yeah? Yeah.

"A connection can happen
when you least expect it."

I like that. Mm.

♪ Days pass ♪

The sprinklers were on. Get
inside. You're shivering.

♪ Fills my heart ♪

Wow, this place is pretty cool.

Let's not ruin this by talking.

♪ When I want to run away ♪

Thank you.

You sure you don't want one?

Nope. I don't do carbs.

So
you are a psycho.

Wow.

♪ But whichever way I go ♪

So it begins.

♪ I come back to
the place you are ♪

♪ All my instincts,
they return ♪

Oh.

♪ The grand facade ♪

Coaster. Coasters, please.

What is that? What are y...
What are you looking at?

Are you looking
at a walkthrough?!

I can't handle
this endless maze.

Space is too infinite!

This is only gonna
work if you trust me.

Do you trust me, Ross?

I do.

Thank you. What?

Nothing. I just
think it's cool

that you weren't embarrassed
to get another one.

Is that a compliment
or an insult?

Everything I've said
to you is a compliment.

Oh.

♪ Your eyes ♪

Okay, now I'm embarrassed
to get another one.

♪ Your eyes ♪

Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

You're saving the galaxy!

Oh, yes!

Whoo!

You did it, Ross. No.

We did it.

Okay, that'll do.

You can go now.

Wow.

Did we just walk
the entire night?

I guess so. Look
at us being cliché.

Catching a
sunrise on a brand-new day.

Would you take a photo with me?

Yeah.

You wanna rub it
in Phillip's face?

No, I don't wanna post it.

I, um... I just want it for me.

Okay.

So, how do two people who
just met pose together?

Back-to-back. Yeah?

Buddy-cop style. It's obvious.

Alright. Okay. Yeah.

Oh.

♪ I get so tired ♪

Okay, ready? You good?

Yup. Okay.

♪ Working so hard
for our survival ♪

Okay, I'm gonna check it.

I historically take
terrible photos,

but I have a good
feeling about this one.

Yeah.

♪ I look to the time with you ♪

♪ And all my instincts
they return ♪

And there's the catch.

♪ And the grand facade,
so soon will burn ♪

♪ Without a noise,
without my pride ♪

Oh, God. This is even worse.

I can't believe
she's posting this.

There's honestly something
forlorn about it.

I don't know. I kinda like it.

Because I won!

I got the successful
match, so pay up.

Is this a success?

She got most of the
salad in his mouth,

so, yeah, I'd say that's a win.