Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Robe - full transcript

I got your paperwork,
Dr. Fleischman.

Hey, Ed, thank you.

Just put it right down there.
Thank you.

Ruth-Anne says
I can help you some more, too.

Well,
if it's really important.

lmportant?

Well, Johns Hopkins School
of Medicine is behind
this clinical study.

Is that important enough
for you?

This is Johns Hopkins, as in,

„Sorry, Mr. Fleischman,
plebeians need not
apply here.”

Check this out.



Some of the same people
who turned me down
for med school

happen to be on the committee
that chose Cicely for this
particular study.

I mean, they could have chose
a hundred other towns, right?

I mean, they could have chose
any other town,
but they chose this one. Why?

I'll tell you why. Because
of my exhaustive database,
that's why.

So can these things
really keep you
from getting a cold?

Well, I mean,
we don't know that. That's
why we're running the test.

See, half the town
will get the medication,
half will get the placebo,

and then we'll see
if there's any
statistical differences.

That'll tell us.

Very tricky.
Yeah.

So, who gets the real ones?

Luck of the draw.

All right, look,
here's what I need you to do.



First just put the caps
on top of the vials,
all right?

Marilyn's uncle threw a rod.
His four-by, actually,

so I'm gonna
go pick her up, all right?

Just don't let anyone
near those pills.

Sure thing, Dr. Fleischman.

Thanks, Ed.

(MEOWING)

Bartholomew,
you're not supposed
to be in here.

Bartholomew, come here.
Come here.

Good kitty. Good.

(EXCLAIMS)

(MEOWING)

All right.

Come on. Here we go.

(BLEATING)

Come on.

MAN: Hey.
Hey!

(TIRE EXPLODING)

(EXCLAlMlNG)

Rise and shine,
all you KBHR ptarmigan-heads.

Chris here with
the breakfast waffles.

Message of the day.

Every coin has
at least two sides,

behind every great pro
look for the con,

yin and yang
another man's meat,
blah, blah, blah.

You know the drill.

At least some of us are gonna
be spared the indignities
of another cold season.

Billboard alert. Dr. Joel
and his able assistant,
Marilyn,

are gonna be dispensing
a new experimental medication

which promises to help slay
that multi-armed hydra

we've come to know
as the common cold.

Just hope you're not one of
the 50% of the volunteers

who is gonna
end up shooting blanks.

I want to introduce
a very special friend of mine.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Esau!

(lN HIGH VOICE)
Thanks, Chris.

I appreciate the chance
to do the Cathy Lee thing
with you this week.

I should explain
to my KBHR audience
that Esau is a dummy.

Well, I say that without
a hint of derisiveness.

Term of choice these days,
Chris, is Wooden American,

but I'm comfortable
with dummy.

I picked up Esau on
a recent trip to Fairbanks
in a toy store.

I couldn't resist
that cherubic smile,

the old soul behind
those twinkling azure eyes.

The 40% markdown.

ESAU: Relax, Chris.
You're pressing.

CHRIS: All right, I know
what you're thinking.

Ventriloquism on the radio.

It's just a cut above
pantomime and close-up magic

in the kit bag
of useless skills, right?

But the fact is, it's one
of Chris' few, if not only,
natural talents.

Something he's been pining
to do for years.

Yeah, it's good to see
a ventriloquist act

that doesn't go straight
for the wood jokes.

Ah, what can I say?
They go against my grain.
Okay.

But I would like
to take issue just a tad

with all that yin-yang,
life's a coin toss stuff.

I don't buy it for a minute.
You don't?

Golly, no, Chris.

The way I see it,
there's the truth,
there are lies.

There's messing up,
and there's doing
the right thing.

Well, that might work
for Wooden Americans, Esau,

but I for one am leery
of moral compasses.
I mean, absolutes.

At the end of the day,
who are we to judge?

We're human, that's what.

You are, anyway.

And gosh, what could
be more human
than making judgments

and sticking by your guns?

Well, I think what's
human is seeing life in all
its confounding complexity.

Raising up your hands
and saying,

hey, there might not
be any answers.

Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris.

I was whittled alongside
someone a lot like you.

Talk about
the chronically indecisive.

This blockhead
still thinks the jury's out
on Beta versus VHS.

Twenty minutes with this sap,
you're ready to give him
a good shellacking.

JOEL: Okay, here's your pills
for the first 20-day cycle.

Just take one every morning,
okay?

Now, is that on
an empty stomach
or having had?

Best to always eat something,
yeah.

Hey, Ed, what kind of a line
we got out there?

Oh, it's thinning.
Dr. Fleischman,
I was wondering...

Don't worry,
you're temporary staff.

Here you go.
No, I can't tell you.

Well,
what I was wondering is,

if two of our patients

switched medications,

well, could that...

Would that be toxic?

No, no. Definitely not.

Good.

I mean, it would
certainly invalidate them
from the study.

A sample this size,
a couple of incidents
like that

would definitely
skew the results.

Why?

Oh, nothing.

I was just wondering.

Thanks for the pills.

I guess inviting a man to
our women's group does
require a little explanation.

Everyone,
this is Roger Brewster.

Now, I'm like the last one
to go for something like this,

but after I tried his product,
I just had to share it
with the rest of you. I...

Well, you're not alone,
Maggie.

Over a quarter million sold
in North America alone.

Right.

So before we get down
to Jean Shinoda Bolen's
Goddesses in Everywoman,

I thought perhaps,
you know, he could make
his presentation.

Sorry, guys.

Miranda went through
the last of the clean dipes.

Had to run out
for disposables.

And who might this be?

Me?

I might be
Shelly Tambo-Vincouer.

I thought we were gonna
talk about goddess stuff.

RUTH-ANNE:
Roger's a salesman.

What are you selling?

Me?

I like to call it
the one-hour vacation.

He sells Jacuzzis.

Whirlpools, actually.
Jacuzzi's a trade name.

And my units pack more wallop,
bubble for bubble.

Seriously,
let me ask you all something.

What's the number one killer
in the world today?

Famine.

Actually,
I was thinking of stress.

Tension literally melts away.

Shelly, you look like
a show-me kind of gal.

I do?
ROGER: Come on, now,
don't be shy.

Our hostess, Ms. O'Connell,
has graciously allowed me

to set up one of the units
in her tub.

Shall we?

Ladies, I give you
the lnsta-Spa Model 2000.

You're looking at 1 .5 horses,

snorting through 7 10
strategically placed
therapeutic pinholes.

Lock down handrails,
Roman pillow,

dial-a-flow jets,
topside controls.

A personal paradise for one.

lsn't it perfect?

It's like a hot tub
but without all
that boring conversation.

Shelly, why don't you stick
your feet in there?

Come on,
tell us how it feels.

(GASPING)
ROGER: Attagirl.
Now, don't be shy.

(MOANING)

It's like you've died
and gone to heaven, isn't it?

Sprinkle in
a few scented granules,

deliciously reminiscent
of Giorgio,

and tell the world
to take a hike.

(MOANING)

Now,
whether you order one or not,

I would like you all
to take with you

a complimentary basket
of personal care products,

courtesy of me and lnsta-Spa.

MARILYN: Thank you.

Ah, it looks like
I'm one short.

Hey, no big.

No, Shelly, I'm gonna have
to come up with something
extra special for you.

(KNOCKING)

Hello, Joel.

Hey, Maurice.
How you doing?

Nice cover story.

You know,
that common cold gambit

makes the results
all the more valid when
they start flooding in, right?

What?
Come on, Joel.
I'm not a child.

I mean, you know and I know

that, that cold business
is a lot of hooey.

Why don't we call it
what it is?

You want data,
I'll give you data.

Last night, at 2300,
I made my usual trek
down to the sub-zero.

But instead of nuking
a yakitory appetizer,

and then following that up
with a bowl of Cherry Garcia,

I went for a humble pippin.
And then this morning
at The Brick,

I even passed by
a genuine Vermont Maple.

So, what you're trying
to tell me is that you think

the pills have some kind
of appetite suppressant
in them?

Joel, I know there's
an appetite suppressant.

I just thought you
might like to share
the particulars with me.

I can't tell you whether
or not you're even
on the medication, okay?

Now, I will certainly
note the side effects
for the record,

but that's all I can
and will do.

(CHUCKLING)
What am I talking about?

I know you've got
confidences to keep.

Just give me the name, okay?

Look,

please, all right. No offense.
I have a conference call
to Baltimore,

and I really should be
prepping for it, okay?

It's refreshing to see
a man stand by the code,
even under pressure.

It shows moxie.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, there, Shelly.

Oh, it's you.

I brought you something.

Black Sabbath. Bootleg.
Recorded it myself
at the Cow Palace.

I'm a humungous Sabbath fan.
How'd you know?

I'm a salesman.

I make my living
reading people.
Mind if I come in?

I hope you've got Dolby,
though, on your tape deck.
There's some hiss on that.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I gotta 86 you. I got
a gazillion things to do.

Oh, I thought maybe we could
just talk for a minute.

Look, Mr. Brewster...

Roger.

You know,

a woman like you
can really bring out
the devil in a man...

Hey! Watch it, dude!

I'm sorry.
That was inexcusable.

Sorry doesn't cut it.
My squeeze is right there
in the shower!

And even if he wasn't...
Shelly, I'm sorry.

Out!

You heard me, beat it!

Out!

So, Ed, how do you like them
lvy League speedballs?

What?
You know, the experimental
pills from Johns Hopkins.

Holling says that
Maurice says they're
some kind of a stimulant.

Oh.
All I know is,
I split enough wood

to fill half a railcar
this morning and my pecs
aren't even sore.

Hi, fellas.

How's it hanging?

Something wrong, Ed?

Oh, I don't know.
I just got a bit
of an Arctic blast.

You know,
hoppers can do that.

It cuts off the blood
to your toes.

ED: Oh.

If you gentlemen
will excuse me?

Shelly,
just give me two seconds.

Why don't you go
soak your head
in one of your tubs?

I blew it, okay.
I just want to make it right.

Hit the road, Jack.
That's how
you can make it right.

Just tell me
your biggest fantasy.

Get a new line, will you?

No, not that kind of fantasy.

Come on, really.

What would make you
happier than anything else
in the world?

You just don't know
when to quit, do you?

Your heart's dream.
What would it be?

Come on, Shelly, please.

If I tell you, will you get
out of my face?

Hey, Scout's honor.

Ultimo fantasy.

No holds barred,
no fine print.

It's a big universe out there,
Shelly, and it's all
at your command.

So, what'll it be?

Eternal youth? The ability
to become invisible?

Power beyond reckoning?

I wish the State of Alaska
would legalize gambling.

Like Las Vegas, you know?

And The Brick would become
this heavy-duty casino.

This place, a casino?

Okay. Works for me.

(WHlSTLlNG)

Will you look at that?
Well, well, well,
opportunity knocks.

(CHUCKLING)

You seen the news out
of Klawok?

Klawok?

A local Tlingit leader
just got the state to sanction

lower 48
casino-style gambling.

First crack in the dam wall.

What's that got
to do with you?

Well, my attorney in Anchorage
used to be a member

of the New Jersey
Gaming Commission.

According to him,
the Borough of Arrowhead
could qualify

for a gambling exemption
under Title 20.

Legalized gambling?

Yeah.
A man can hope, can't he?

(CHUCKLING)

Okay, thank you, caller.

It's amazing how you tied up
Marv's problems of dependency
and Helen's issues

of narcissism into a
M. Scott Peck-Jiminy Cricket
ragout kind of a thing.

How do you do that, Esau?

I've got the easy job, Chris.
I speak from the heart.

You're the one who has
to take that treacherous
detour through the superego.

Well, okay.

Next caller,
you're on the air with
Chris and Esau in the Morning.

Hi, Chris. Connie Grippo.

Hey, Connie. What's up?

You know, Esau, how you were
saying we wouldn't have half
the problems we do

if everyone just did
what they knew was right?

Just one dummy's opinion.

Well, I couldn't agree
with you more, but what if
you aren't sure what's right?

Welcome to the real world,
Connie.

What's the issue, darling?

I just finished a redo
on my tenant's kitchen.

I even rolled the rent back
'cause they just had a baby.

Now, nothing in the law says
a landlord has to provide
a carbon monoxide detector,

but for 100 bucks
I could give them
that extra margin of safety.

Well, that's a tough one,
Connie. I think we all sleep
a little better at night

knowing we've gone
the extra mile on the road
to responsibility.

But where does it stop?

I mean, life doesn't come
with an extended warranty.

How do I know I'm not gonna
get turned into a road slick

the next time
I'm tooling down the Alcan
by an oncoming Kenworth?

What do you think, Esau?

Buy them the detector,
Connie.

Next caller,
you're live on KBHR.

RUTH-ANNE: This was
awfully nice, you putting on
a barbecue for us.

Well, I just wanted
to let you ladies know
how much I appreciate

the old-fashioned hospitality.

Not to mention two big orders
for the lnsta-Spa.

Well, I hope the instructions
are not in Mandarin.

I had a dehydrator like that.

(WHlSTLlNG)

I don't know how you do it.

My idea of pure hell
is traveling with a goat.

It is hell.
On the upholstery.

Ruth-Anne, would you mind
taking over?

Just give the coals
a good dousing every so often.

Sure.

Well, hi, there.

You knew about
that gambling exemption,
didn't you?

Part of the job.

So I suppose if gambling
really does come to Alaska,

you're going
to take credit for it.

Well, it seems only fair.

Just who do you think you are?

Satan.

Satan?
The Devil.

Lucifer. Prince of Darkness.

They all ring a little hollow
without the pyrotechnics,

but trust me,
I'm the real deal.

The Devil's a spa salesman?

That's what you're telling me?

Yeah, it's a hard new reality
out there.

Ever since Prozac.

The stuff Edna Hancock takes?

Not just Prozac.
The whole new family
of bicyclic antidepressants.

You know, the thing is,
they actually work.

Black thoughts are down
at an alarming percentage,

particularly in your Western
industrialized societies.

And you cause bad thoughts
in people's heads?

Cause them?
No, no, no.

You know that old saw,
„An idle mind is
the Devil's workshop?”

Well, Prozac is kicking
the poo out of us there.

I mean, you still got
your ethnic cleansing,

your disgruntled postal
workers, intentional famines
in ever increasing numbers,

but I can't run an operation
the size and scope of mine

on Commandment Six
and Ten violations alone.

So you come to Cicely, Alaska?

Couldn't resist you gals.

All that swirling estrogen.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

You know what your problem is?

Low self-esteem.

Rickie Lake devoted
a whole week to it.

You're so down on yourself,
you'll say anything
to feel more important.

Shelly...
Roger, what you're doing
to yourself is really bad

and really sad.

SHELLY: Hey, Ruth-Anne,
awesome...

But I am the Devil.

Howdy, Chris.

Hey, Walt.

Listen, I'm having some folks
over for dinner Friday.

My old trading partner from
my Salomon Brothers days
is gonna be in town.

Gonna thaw the last
of those mammoth steaks.
Love to have you.

Me? Really?
You bet.

Okay. Wow! Yeah, Walt.

I'll bring a cheesecake.
Some vino?

Just make sure
you got the little fellow.
Esau?

I've been telling my guests
he'll be there.

See you.

Okay.

„The personification of evil,

all that is swirling, dark,

unresolved and untamed
in our souls.

The corrupter of the heart.”

(GASPING)

Oh, sorry, Shel.

Didn't mean to scare you.
Just putting
the Vidalias away.

Do you believe in the Devil?

Pretty much, Shelly.

You know, Leonard, he says
you can't have a tug of war

with no one at
the other end of the rope.

Do you think he could just be
a guy who walks around and
looks like a normal person?

You mean Mr. Brewster?

Did he tell you, too?

Well, all the pieces fit,
Shelly.

ED: What? What is it?

This picture.

It's almost like
it's staring at me.

Wait a minute.

SHELLY: Wow!

You know, I loaded
a full cord of wood
and I'm not even winded.

(CHUCKLING) Well, obviously
it's that wonder drug
Joel's working on over there.

It'd be nice to have
a lifetime supply of that,
wouldn't it?

Oh, I'd settle
for arthritis season.

Yeah.

Oh, well, by the time the FDA
gets through messing around
and approves it,

we'll be too old
to enjoy it, anyway.

However, a man who has
my connections with the
Swiss pharmaceutical industry,

all I'd need
would be a formula.

You could have it made up?

Sure. Yeah. In bulk.

But Fleischman over there

won't give me anything
but his name, rank
and serial number.

You know, I'm just flying
by the seat of my pants here,

but, in theory,

I believe a man
could waltz in there,
get the skinny on that,

and get out without
anybody being the wiser.

Are you with me there, Hayden?

You want me to break
into Dr. Fleischman's office?

Oh, I never said that.
Not in those words.

Maurice, I hate
getting caught at stuff.

Oh, sure you do.
I understand.

But I've noticed you casting
a kind of an avid eye

on some of the equipment
there in my workshop.

Let's see, what was it?

Oh, yeah, it was
that telescoping ladder
that I have.

Oh, please, Maurice. No.

Oh, it's a nice ladder.
Twelve and a half feet...
Oh.

It all folds down to two feet,
fit in your trunk,

meets all the OSHA standards,
approved for
up to 300 pounds.

Okay.

(CHUCKLING)

(CAR HONKING)

Holling?

HOLLING: Let's give
a warm welcome
to Shecky Greene!

Holling? Holling!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

GREENE: Well, gang,
here we are in Cicely,

but not the Sicily
they promised me.

My agent called me,
says you're going to Cicely.
I got so excited.

I was going to Italy.
I got relatives in Italy.

But I came here,
to Cicely, Alaska.

Instead of spaghetti and
meatballs I got spaghetti
and snowballs.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Some guy stuck about $25,000
at the crap table.

Pit boss says,
„You want to see
a funny kid tonight?”

Guy says, „Yeah,
my bus don't leave
for another half hour yet.”

Pit boss says,
„You're taking a bus home?”

He says, „No, I'm gonna lie
under it when it pulls up.”

And could I tell you
something else
about this place up here?

Remarkable music.

They don't listen
to music at all.
Cole Porter...

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

They got songs like...

(SINGING)

I want to go home to Nome
That's a city in Alaska

Dr. Fleischman's asking
for another 1,000
above his line.

Should we give it to him?

Uh...
I think he's good for it.

Thanks for being with me.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

That was terrific! Let's give
a big round of applause
for Shecky Greene!

And now the act I know a lot
of you have been waiting for,

the international sensation
that started right here
in our own humble hamlet.

Please give a big welcome
to Esau and Chris!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Hey, hey. All right!

Thank you, Holling.
Beautiful introduction.

Well, it's so good to be back
in Cicely after all this time.

A lot
of familiar faces out there.
What did I tell you, Esau?

Nothing like
a hometown crowd.

Yeah. Reminds me of the night
I played to 12,000 board feet

in the big room
at the sawmill.

CHRIS: (LAUGHING)
But seriously, folks...

Hey, don't touch anything.
Someone had the chutzpah
to break in here last night.

Huh?
Yeah. Look, the window.

I mean, if that's not
amateurishly pried open,
I don't know what is.

And look at this.

Whoever it was just tracked
mud all through in here,
but I think I am onto them.

Look at this.

Check this out.

It's dirt, right?

Caked.

Obviously dropped from
the sole of a sneaker
or work boot, right?

All we have to do is match it
with a honeycomb sole
and we got the miscreant cold.

When we do,
believe me, I guarantee

I'm going to have this
person publicly pilloried.
Guarantee it.

Did they take anything?

Well, nothing that
I've found so far.

Hmm. They just wanted to look
at the experiment records.

Oh, yeah. You think so?

People want to know
what's causing the changes.

You know, this side-effects
hysteria has gotten
completely out of hand.

That is all this is,
is hysteria.

My mom's ankles
don't swell as much since
she started the prescription.

All right, this sucker
doesn't have a prayer.

Undoubtedly,
they left their paw prints
all over everything.

The light switch. I'll bet
this person was stupid enough
to touch it.

Watch this.

Just observe.

All I have to do is waft
the iodine underneath it.

The vapors respond to
the fat residue left behind.

In a few minutes,
it'll turn brown.

Sebaceous prints are
always better than aqueous.

It was Hayden Keyes.

And he never
turned the light on.

How do you know
it was Hayden?

He dropped his matches.

You know what I did today
for the first time in my life,
Shelly?

Huh?

The complete Sunday
New York Times
crossword puzzle.

It was a bit dicey at first,
but once I got past
„Pablo Neruda”

and „consubstantiation”
I was home free.

That's nice, Holling.

Of course
I don't know whether
it was the pills or not,

but I can't think
of anything else
I've been doing differently.

Table six needs some coffee.
Decaf, not regular.

Coffee?

You betcha.

So, what did you think?

Think about what?

Okay, maybe we could've
opened with Ann Jillian,

and the sound system
needs an upgrade,
but, you know, all in all?

Oh! Oh, man.

This is too weird.

Well, did you like it or not?

I...

It was down.

It was fly. It was everything
I could have hoped for
and more.

So, we got a deal.

Deal?

Yeah, that's right.

You have to do
something for me,

although it's hardly
what you'd call
a great sacrifice.

Don't you want
to hear what it is?

Booty? Forget it.

Oh, no, no.
I forgot myself
the other day.

Oh, no, I haven't leaned
on that one since...

Since Whitsuntide, 1562.

The chambermaids at
Cardinal Montorelli's house.

Well, that's another story.

Shelly, it's really such
a little thing I'm asking.

You know that bathrobe
of Holling's?

The one you've tried
to get him to throw away
about a million times?

Yeah.

Burn it.

Burn Holling's robe?

Yep.

I don't get it.

Why would you make
my swiftest dreams come true
for a dog-meat bathrobe?

I know. I know.
It's like I was telling you.

I've been reduced
to being the Monty Hall
of dualistic theology.

So, that's it?

Just torch Holling's robe
and everything, the casino,

the limo, the lights.

That'll all come true?

As big as life.

And if he asks you
what happened to it,

you just tell him
that you gave it
to the Salvation Army.

You mean, lie.

Hey, give a little,

get a lot.

Hey, you seen Hayden?
No.

Ah, there he is right there.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, Hayden, I see you!

It wasn't my idea!
It was Maurice!

He bribed me!

What?

Hey, Shelly,
what's the good word?

I've just been feeling
really, really mixed up.

I thought maybe if I talked
to someone about it.

Yeah, sure.

Do you think
you can go to hell
for burning a bathrobe?

Why don't you
rainbow curve that one
by me one more time?

Holling's got
this super grody bathrobe
that he's really attached to.

What would happen
if I burned it

and told him Salvation Army
took it by mistake?

Well,
I think Holling could flip
if he's really into it.

I mean, I got a bandanna
that I'd mourn.

Maybe it'd be the best thing
for him, though. You know,
beat that dependency,

imprint the neural pathways.

But do you think
I'd get eternally
damned for it?

Well, let's weigh the sin.

I mean, what's a robe?
It's a schmaltz,
it's a fashion kibble.

But on the other hand,
maybe it's not about
the robe at all.

No?

No,
maybe what it's really about
is connubial infrastructure.

Trust and honesty.
The age-old quest

of Diogenes
in a post-Milken universe.

So do I go to hell or not?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

What's your idea of hell?

Forget it, okay?

What?

All I wanted was
a simple yes or no,

but you talk about
everything but.

Why can't you just cut to
the chase once in a while
like your pal Esau does?

At least you know where
he stands. Thanks, anyway.

I was just coming
to look for you.

I know all about it.
You got some nerve,
don't you?

How dare you!

Oh, me, huh? Me?

Wait a minute, you bribe
someone to commit a felony,
and you're talking about me?

Let me tell you something,
you didn't just mess with me,

you messed with
Johns Hopkins University.

So, you know those plans
you've always had
for the Minnifield Library?

Well, just kiss those goodbye,
okay, because their reach
goes way beyond Oklahoma.

This is a new low,
even for you, Fleischman.

Wait a minute. You vandalize
my property, you expect me
to feel guilty?

You have the unmitigated gall
to slip me a placebo and
then sit back and watch me

like I'm some mindless gerbil
running around in its cage,

convinced he's crossing
the Rubicon.
Oh, I don't believe this!

Vigilance! That is
the keyword in boot camp
from day one.

Well, I let my guard down
for a friend.

I turned off my radar
in the heat of battle.

Well, let me tell you
something, pal of mine.

Try and make me a footnote
in the New England Journal
of Medicine,

I'll have my litigators
crawling all over you like
a hive of killer bees.

Oh, my...

(DOOR OPENING)

Chris, I gotta get
something off my chest.

What's up?

I don't know.
I probably really shouldn't
even bother you.

Maybe you'd
rather tell me.

Great. 'Cause, tell you
the truth, I was getting
kind of afraid to ask.

It's about time.

You know how helpless
it feels watching you boot
routine grounders?

Hey, I got you on my knee,
don't I?

Maybe I should come back.

No, please, Ed,
I really want to help.

Oh, great.

'Cause I really need help.
I did something horrible.

I got
Dr. Fleischman's medication

all mixed up with
the placebos, so nobody knows
who's taking what.

Oh! That's a biggie, Ed.
What were you thinking?

Well, I panicked.

I thought
if no one found out...

Cat's out of the bag now.

Yeah, I really screwed up,
huh?

Bigtime.

Hey, let's not be so hard
on Ed. I mean,

you know, what'd you screw up,
the first leg
of a million-mile relay?

Aren't we being tested
all the time?

Maybe the real test is seeing
how we deal with an experiment
gone bad, huh?

There you go again.

I'm just saying the act
of analyzing data changes it.

I mean,
if Heisenberg was uncertain,
why are you so sure?

You better leave this to me.

Ed, you can't have your cake
and eat it, too, can you?

I don't want any cake.

You're not a kid.
You're 24 and a shaman
in the rough.

You gotta face the music,
bite the bullet,
take your lumps.

Well, that sounds
a little glib, Esau.

Who are you gonna listen to,
me or the dummy?

I guess I should
tell Dr. Fleischman.

Of course you gotta
tell Dr. Fleischman.

Wonder when would be
a good time.

No time like the present.

Right.

Well, thanks, Chris.
I needed to hear that.

No problem, Ed.

Esau?

Walt, have you seen Esau?

Esau?

You didn't lose
the little guy, did you?

Warm you up?
Mmm-hmm.

Holling, have you seen
anybody in here with Esau?

Is that
who you're looking for?

Ruth-Anne.

What are you doing?
I didn't tell you,
you could take him.

Well, I just brought him
home to sew up his sweater.
He snagged it.

(SIGHS)

We thought
we'd surprise you.

He does look better.

I got a show to do,
you know.

You wouldn't like it
if I bopped into your garage
and took your truck for a spin

'cause, you know,
I thought the carbs
needed blowing out.

I'm sorry, all right?

I guess
I should have asked you.

Well, yeah, you're right.
You should have.

Pay no attention to
that man behind the curtain.

I'm sorry. I just went
a little ballistic.

That's okay.
See you later, Esau.

Bye, Ruthie.

Right.

No, well, that's...

Yeah, yeah. There's
just two huge problems
with the initial report.

A, you got half
the sample group is convinced

that the drug has made them
human dynamos.

And, B, the placebo
is reporting side effects

at virtually
the same levels as the drug.

I mean,
it's literally as if someone
had taken the results

and just tossed
them all in the air.

Someone did.

No, no, I'm right here.

Actually, I'm gonna
call you right back, okay?

I'm sorry, I will.

Yeah.

What'd you say?

The pills are all mixed up,
Dr. Fleischman.

What?

The other day, when you went
to go get Marilyn,

Bartholomew, he snuck in

and, well, I chased him
around and the tables
got knocked over.

Oh, my God, Ed.
Oh, my God.

Yeah, I tried
to get all the pills

and put them back
together best I could,
you know.

But, of course,
they all look the same.

Guess that's the point, huh?

I really blew it,
Dr. Fleischman.

That's it. It's over.
I mean, the clinical trial,
it's over.

(STAMMERING) I mean,
the whole study.

Oh, man.

I mean,
this is gonna convince them

that every negative impression
they ever had about me
is true.

Boy, if he wasn't
Johns Hopkins material then,
he certainly isn't now.

I can just hear their tongues
clucking 4,000 miles away.

Gonna be okay,
Dr. Fleischman?

Yeah. I'll be fine.

(CRASHING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

No. No.

This disciple, he comes up
to Buddha and says,

„Is it true that right after
you were born you said,

I am the center
of the universe'?”

And Buddha thinks for a minute
and says,

„Don't all babies say that?”

(LAUGHING)

WALT: Didn't I tell you
he was something?

Would you mind, Ruthie?
There's a knot in my neck
you wouldn't believe.

That's it.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We could use
a straight shooter like you
in Congress right now.

What's one more dummy
gonna do?

The man's got a point.

Anybody need
a little refresher?

Just a couple
of fingers more there,
Walt, thanks.

But you know, folks,
as flawed as things
are out there,

I'd still stack them against
any fantasy you can conjure.

Well, thanks for
the outsider's perspective
on humanity, Esau,

but I think...
What are your fantasies, Esau?

Touring with
the Crash Test Dummies?

Who needs fantasy?

I've got the best
of everything right here.

I can have all the laughter
and intellectual stimulation
of an evening with friends,

but I don't have to worry
about heartburn,
or designated drivers,

or getting
my feelings stepped on.

I'd wish I were a real boy
if it didn't mean growing up
to be a real man.

Hmm.

Well,

you must be
getting tired, Esau.
Let's give it a rest, huh?

He's a lot of fun, Chris.

Yeah, but you know,
all kidding aside, Ruth-Anne,

Esau makes
some very good points.

That whole Western
Ptolemaic view of the world
with the ego at its center,

you know, I think it's half
the reason we've dug ourselves
so deep. You know what I mean?

Oh, look at the time.
I'm going to have
to roll up my tent.

Hey, hey, Ruth-Anne, come on.
We got a whole bottle
of Petite Sirah here.

We haven't even
opened it yet.

Forget the wine, son.
I want to talk about
polystyrene versus pine

in the dummy-making industry.

Why? Is that
a controversial issue?

Genetic engineering?
Don't get me started.

SHELLY: Mr. Brewster.

Mr. Brewster.

I'm glad I caught you.

I'm disappointed, Shelly.

I won't pretend I'm not.

Here. I can't keep this.

Yeah, I should have known.

First apartheid goes,
now this.

I just wish I understood.

Why did you go after me?
I'm nobody.

Gee, I thought
I explained that.

You're my bread and butter,
Shelly.

Look, say I get
some corporate raider
to suck up some company,

turn 3,000 employees
out on the street.

Where's the victory there?

But if I can get
somebody like you,

pure of heart,

to let her bumper
stray over that white line
just a little bit...

(EXCLAIMS)

You know that expression,
„God is in the details”?

Think so.

Well, it's a little bit
like that for me.

What are you gonna do now?

Well, there's a lady
over in Nipnuck

who's been
clipping coupons out of
her neighbor's newspaper.

Not much, but it's a lead.

Oh! I almost said,
„Good luck.”

I almost said, „Thanks.”

Marilyn wasn't at her desk.

What is it?

I just thought maybe
I could wash some windows.

I noticed
they were kind of dirty.

Make up for what I did.

Whatever.

What are the mice for?

Well, I've been thinking of
following up on an experiment
I started in med school.

A relatively
straight-forward question.

What are the effects
of induced hyponatremia
on the basal pons?

Just salt depletion
on the brain.

Sounds important.

Yeah. Well, it isn't.

See, the beauty of it is that
these guys don't threaten
thirst strikes,

they don't trade medication,

and they
definitely don't conspire
to commit felonies, so...

Mice are good that way.

I guess
I'll get to the windows.

Ed.

Yeah, Dr. Fleischman?

If you want, you can fill
that water bottle up for me.

All right.

Chris Stevens,
flying solo once again,
bidding a fond adieu

to my good friend, Esau.

Hope the next wayward
soul who finds him

learns as much
as I did from my brief
but intense apprenticeship.

It's funny all the qualities

that flow so naturally
from Esau,

like water from a spring melt,
are qualities that are in me.

And embracing them means
embracing Esau's
black and white world

and turning my back
on the rainbow,

and in one piercing note,
drowned out the orchestra
in one persuasive voice,

silence a clamoring chorus.

I don't know, Esau.

Maybe
your cornpone platitudes and
straight-from-the-hip answers

ring truer
than my own fuzzy search
for enlightenment.

But sometimes
you just need the uncertainty.

If I ever figure out
exactly why,

I may just look you up.

Maybe then we'll have an act
worth taking on the road, huh?