Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 5, Episode 4 - Altered Egos - full transcript

The mist is on the meadow
and the coffee's on the boil.

Radio set to AM 570.

Voice of Arrowhead County
comin'at you.

Chris in the Morning, alfresco.

Morning, Mike.
Hmm. Morning.

Witnessin' the turn
of another day's wheel.

Luna's put out her lamp,

and Helios is gunning
his chariot into town,

as is my brother, Bernard.

Hey, coming down Main Street
as I speak. Yo, Bernard!

Well, it's a K-Bear first,
ladies and gentlemen.



The Brothers Stevens reunited, live
and unrehearsed, as it actually happens.

Hey, you're early. Oh, Ann
wanted to see the sunrise.

Well, Ann, for those of you who haven't
been keeping up with my brother's adventures,

is his brand-new inamorata.

They met on a river rafting trip
last month on the river Umpqua.

- Looks like love.
- Chris, Ann McGrath.

Ann McGrath, my brother,
Chris. Ann, nice to meet you.

Miss McGrath, for those
of you listening, is a-

- Chris?
- Yeah?

Oh, my God! It's really you!

You know him? Know him? I
- We lived together for six months.

Chris, how are you?

I mean, you know, I
- it comes in flashes, you know, but most of it's a total blank.

Unreal. Yeah, I was
22 years old, you know.



I just got out of the slammer
and I was ready to rumble.

I pointed the hog west
and off I went, you know.

Next thing you know,
I lost a whole year...

and I'm canning salmon
up in Prince Rupert, British Columbia.

And you don't remember
Ann at all?

Brother, I don't remember
anything at all.

I must have ate a lot of peyote out in the
desert 'cause my head's like a mescaline burrito.

- Well, you were very big into Carlos Castaneda back then.
- Is that right?

Mm-hmm.
How- How did we meet?

It was a feminist deconstruction
conference at Northwestern.

I was a philosophy major.

Michel Foucalt
hadjust finished speaking...

when this crazy biker
smashes his hog into the place,

pops a wheelie, shouts a few lines
from Leaves of Grass,

passes out.

Wow!

And after that,
we were inseparable.

I dropped out so that we
could tool around together.

We must have been tight.

- Huh?
- " Love or death. "

That was for Chris?

Yeah, he's got one too.
It's a, uh- a flaming arrow.

I thought I got this at a-
at a wrestling convention in Duluth.

What happened?
You split.

- That's it? I split?
- Yeah, your note just said, " Later. "

I waited around a few weeks,
cried my eyes out.

Eventually I went back to school
and got my M. B. A. at Stanford.

It all worked out.

Wow.

Ed, did I leave my wallet
here? I'm sorry. Uh, nope.

Holling? Anyone turn in a wallet?
Not to my knowledge, Joel.

That's great. Someone
stole my wallet. You sure?

Am I sure? I paid for lunch,
I had my wallet. Now I don't.

Say, what about that decaf au lait you
ordered while we were shooting eight ball?

Pool table! Excuse me, Dave.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Huh?
Excuse me. Ah!

I told you.
Hold on. Hold on.

It's all here.
You find it, Joel?

Oh! Oh, brother.

I knew this story would
have a happy ending.

Oh, man. Happy ending?
This is not happy, Ed.

This is disturbed.
This is very disturbed.

I left my wallet under a pool table.

I, Joel Fleischman,
the consummate New Yorker,

turned my back on my money
in a public place.

Well, right.
But nobody took anything.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?
It's like someone rubbing my nose in it.

In what?

Ed, two years ago, I would have been
incapable of doing this. You understand?

It would have been inconceivable.

For 28 years I lived in the city.
I never lost a dime to the streets.

You had to be sharp to survive. Well, I was. I
was an animal. You understand? I was a panther.

I always had this sixth sense
working for me, you know?

Now, I mean-
Wow, what's happened to me?

Where's the edge?

Where's the panther?
I don't know, Dr. Fleischman.

Hi. Got your check writer,
Ruth-Ann.

Oh, good.
I almost had to put down in Sitka.

There's a wicked cold front comin' in
from the northwest. Did we get any rain?

No.

Ah. Done deal.
Thanks, Ted.

I'd better get out there and get
the freezer turned back on. Okay.

Is 7:30 all right?
Okay.

Great.

Hey, Maggie.
Hey.

You going out with Ted Banks?

Uh-huh.
Well, I hadn't heard.

First date. Well, good for you,
Marilyn. He's such a nice guy.

He's a good electrician.

Yeah.
So where's he taking you?

The dump.
Aha! A little bear watchin'?

Maybe.

Well, have a good time.

Thanks.

- Doc.
- Walt.

- Nice boots.
- Thanks.

- Want some?
- Yeah.

Those'll do you through
the winter? Hope so.

Got a little cold last year
in my old boots.

Know what works for me?

I put my Sorels on the outside,

expedition-weight Capilene sock
next to the skin,

sheet of aluminum foil
in between.

Yeah? It works?
As warm as toast.

Heavy duty foil?
Whatever.

Shiny side up or down?

Shiny side towards the body.
Reflects body heat.

I came up with somethin' last year
during that cold snap in March.

Rubbed a little Vicks VapoRub on
my hands before I put my gloves on.

- Vicks?
- Yeah.

You start warm, you stay warm.

Hey, you ever use a balaclava?
Mm-mmm.

Yeah, me neither.
Wool tends to make me itch.

But I saw a great one in this Eddie Bauer
catalog. Flap of deerskin right there.

Oh. Gotta wonder what would
happen though if it got wet.

Could be bad news. Have this slice
of chamois permafrosted to your nose.

I don't know.

Oh, God.
What?

- Oh, my God!
- Dr. Fleischman?

I'm sitting here eating seeds, having a
serious conversation about winter clothing?

Oh, man.
First my wallet, and now this.

What is happening?

Hmm.

Investment banking sounded good, so after " B" school
- Third in her class.

I went with Salomon Brothers
in New York. Total snake pit.

Ah, so, I bailed after a year, became
a marketing executive at Ralston Purina.

Puppy Chow. 7.75 billion
in total sales last year.

Woof!
Last March I signed on with Nike.

Wow. That's a fast track.
Mm-hmm.

But I'm ready to slow down.
Oh.

Mmm.

More venison?

Sure.
All right.

This cabernet
is absolutely wonderful.

Oh, it's pinot, Bernard. Can't you taste the fruit, the
- the berries?

- It's all red to me, bro.
- You guys.

What?
Well, you're amazing.

You-You think the same.
You talk the same.

And now it turns out
you're even ignorant the same.

I've never seen anything like it.

- You know, I bet if I closed my eyes, I couldn't tell the two of you apart.
- You couldn't?

- No. If memory serves, you even kiss the same.
- We do?

We're not that much alike.

Why not?
You're alike every other way.

Yeah, but what about
in the clench?

What are you saying?
You really couldn't tell us apart?

Even with your palate?
Doubt it.

Blind tasting?

Absolutely.

Oh! Come on, guys!
Close your eyes.

Bernie.
Purely in the interest of science.

- Guys!
- Go on. Close 'em.

A little agua to wash off the buds.

Bernie?
Ready?

Okay. Who's gonna be first?

Uh-

Okay. Here it comes!

That was kisser number one.

Peppery. Firm.

Very good moisture.

And that was
kisser number two.

That's Bernie- number two.
Definitely Bernard.

- Whoops.
- Interesting.

Very, huh?

Okay.

You guys wanna take this here
clear pool, and I'll start upstream?

Great.

Isn't that the big sweeper up there, where
I caught the 24-inch rainbow last year?

I don't know. Maybe.
Why, you want to take it?

I wouldn't mind.
Okay.

Hey, I've got some sandwiches here.
Any takers? P. B. and J. or salami?

Salami!
Salami!

I don't feel like peanut butter.
Me neither.

- You want to split the salami?
- You want to flip for it?

- I'm not that hungry.
- Yeah, me neither.

Forget it.

"Everything he had feared and foreseen
had actually come to pass now.

"The stranger
was sitting before him.

"Mr. Golyadkin wanted to scream,
but could not:

"wanted to make some form of protest,
but lacked the power.

"His hair stood on end and he
collapsed with horror on the spot.

"And small wonder.

"Mr. Golyadkin had fully recognized
his nocturnal friend.

"His nocturnal friend
was none other than he, himself,

"another Mr. Golyadkin.

In a word,
his double in every respect. "

We don't really need that,
do we?

So, this is the dump.

This is it.

It's nice.

I heard there was quite
a show here last night.

Mama bear with two cubs
got into a Naugahyde sofa,

just turned it into confetti.

It went on for, like, 20 minutes.

I guess we're a little early.

You're making too much out
of this, Bernard. Probably.

So you and Chris kiss alike.
So what?

It'll pass.

Maybe I just need
a little more data.

Uh, Bernard?
Correct.

Um, there's someone
at the window.

Got a bottle opener?

Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact.
Right here in my Swiss Army knife.

Here.
Thanks.

They had one.

Good. Yeah.

Okay. What's your pleasure?

Cranberry or kiwi-orange?

Cranberry.
Cranberry it is.

There we go. Ahh. Here.

Thanks.

Mmm.

Little warm.
Good flavor though.

- You like dogs?
- Malamutes are nice.

Got to watch out with hip dysplasia
though. It's a zinc deficiency.

- Corn nuts?
- Okay.

Thanks.

You like kids?
Uh-huh.

Hmm. Me too. See that?
That's a Nintendo thumb.

- I got it playing with my nephew.
Super Mario World.

- It's a good game.
- I can never get past the doughnut ghost house.

You need Yoshi.

How do you get the wings?

Just before the ghost house, behind the
third bush, you have to hit the secret button.

Oh.

- How'd you figure that out?
- My niece.

Oh! Yeah.

Mmm.

Hey, O'Connell.
Hey, Fleischman. What's up?

Hey, listen. Have you noticed
anything, uh, different about me lately?

What do you mean, different?
I don't know.

Just anything that- that might
be strange or unusual.

Well, I don't know, I might
86 the tie. No, no, no, no.

I'm thinking behavioral patterns.

Any discernible break with tradition,
deviations from the norm, recent trends?

You serious?
I'm totally serious.

Well, I don't know. Now that you mention
it, you do seem more relaxed lately.

I actually saw you laugh out loud
the other night with Holling.

Well, maybe. I mean, he happened
to be telling a very funny story.

And I don't know. Let's see.
You're more involved.

The town meeting last month-
you sat there.

I remember registering that.
Of course, you left after 15 minutes.

You're right. You're absolutely
right. It's as bad as I thought.

Fleischman?

I thought we had a good time, Marilyn.

It was okay.
Okay?

What was wrong with it?

You gotta have a reason.

Why don't you want
to go out anymore?

Say, Ted, Marilyn.

I'll just... be in my office.

- Was it something I said?
- No.

- Something I did?
- I don't want to talk about it anymore.

"Anymore"? Marilyn, you haven't
said two words since I got here.

I have work to do.

Marilyn, I really want
to see you again.

You have to go now, Ted.

Look, whatever I did, won't you
at least give me a second chance?

Okay.

So,

you and Ted
are, uh, history, huh?

I mean, not that it's any of my business,
but... he seemed like a pretty decent guy.

But then again,
you never know.

There's a problem.

Really? What kind of problem? Medical.

A medical problem? With Ted?
Uh-huh.

He didn't say anything to me about
it. Is it serious? Dysfunction.

Dysfunction?
You- Sexual dysfunction?

You mean, like,
last night he couldn't-

- In '85.
- 1985?

You're telling me the- the man
had a bout of impotency in 1985,

and you just gave him
the heave-ho today?

Uh, Marilyn, look.

I mean, admittedly, dysfunction can be a
bit of a problem, but in most cases it's-

- How do you know this? He actually told you this?
- No.

So how do you know?

Right. It's none of my business.
I'll just go in my office.

As Robert Ardrey writes,

"To the human eye,
all herring gulls look alike.

"The male herring gull, however,

"will allow none
on his little territory but his mate.

"And he will recognize her
coming 50 yards away...

in a crowded colony
of thousands. "

Point being, nature lovers,
that even a lowly seabird...

can distinguish individual members
of its own species.

I hate to complain, Chris,
but, uh, some of the customers feel...

that your musical selections
are a might moody today.

Uh, fact is, you've just about
cleared out the bar.

How 'bout playing
"Me and My Shadow"?

Something, you know,
bouncy like that.

I have never seen Bernard
as a threat before, Holling.

I mean, up until now,
this whole doppelganger thing, Holling,

has been kind of a gas, you know?

Two sides of the same coin, yin and
yang, Calvin and Hobbes deal, I mean.

Now it's like something
out of an Edgar Allan Poe thing.

I mean, we're rivals, you know.
Two halves of a divided self.

I- I can't even breathe when I'm
in the same room with that guy.

It must be hard seeing your own
brother bunk down with an old flame.

No, no, no.
It's not a jealousy trip.

It isn't?
No. No.

You know, I wish them the best,
you know. All's fair and all that.

Huh.

Hey, Holling? What if you found out that
Shelly was waxing some other guy's T-bird?

- You'd be cool with that, right?
- Well, uh-

I mean, yeah, there'd be
some momentary pyrotechnics,

but basically, Que será, será.

But what if you found out she said
you were both exactly the same?

What if she said,
between the sheets,

there was absolutely
no distinction at all?

Well, I could see
how that might be a problem.

The male id is driven by
its own sense of uniqueness, Holling.

You know, alpha wolf,
territorial imperative and whatnot.

Alpha wolf.

Sexually, Holling, we are all
competing for the same seat on the bus,

and the thing that holds it together...

is the tightly held conceit
that we're all sexual gods, you know.

But how can I believe
in my own uniqueness...

when there's a cat out there
who's exactly the same as me?

Huh? Whole shebang
goes out the window.

No changing it. No escape.
I don't know what to do.

Yes, well, uh,

see what you can do
about that music, huh?

Damndest thing.
My truck overheated.

Huh. In this weather? You
got fresh antifreeze in there?

I changed it last week.
Check the thermostat?

Um-

It's routine maintenance. You pull that
thermostat, you put it in a pot of hot water.

It don't open up at 180 degrees,
throw it away and get yourself a new one.

Two-dollar item can save you
an engine block, friend.

You'll learn.

Sure is cold this winter,
huh, Doc?

Yeah.

Cold.

Son, you don't know cold unless you
lived through the winter of'96.

- You were here back then?
- Doc's been here for 25 years.

You remember that winter?
Do I remember?

Oh, it was so cold
that the salmon froze in the river!

Come spring, theyjust
shook off the icicles and swam away.

We all had to take some elk in our home.
Otherwise, the whole herd would have froze to death.

- Come on.
- It's the truth.

Hey, ask anyone.

Hi, Ruth-Ann. I need a special delivery,
okay? I want to do a rush order.

Uh, let me, uh, get a pen here. Okay.

Okay. Ready? All right. I need
Zabar's blend coffee, five pounds.

Hi.
Pickled tomatoes, two jars.

Do you want me to order from Zabar's again this
year? Last year you said it was too expensive.

I understand.
This is an emergency.

Corned beef, pastrami, belly lox,
five pounds each. Okay?

Bagels. I want poppy,
onion, sesame, I want-

Why don't you just give me the
list, Joel? All right. Great.

I'm just gonna get some movies.
Thanks. Let's see.

Dog Day Afternoon, Godfather,

Manhattan
and Midnight Cowboy.

Serpico, Taxi Driver.
All right.

That's seven dollars even, dear.

Okay. What's goin' on,
Fleischman?

I'm losing it, O'Connell. In fact,
I think I may have already lost it.

What?
New York.

I used to be able to visualize Broadway
from 11 Oth Street to Times Square.

And now I close my eyes,
entire blocks disappear.

Last night, I couldn't remember if the "F"train
stopped at Canal Street or Washington Square.

- That's what's going on. Got it?
- Got it.

Well, so you're a little homesick.

O'Connell, this is not homesick.
This is more than homesick.

I'm facing serious personality
meltdown. Oh, Fleischman.

I'm Joel Fleischman, theJewish doctor from New
York. You take that away, and who am I? What am I?

Well, Fleischman, just forgetting
a few subway stops-

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Don't you
understand? It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

I'm being replaced
by some insidious replicant,

a Joel Fleischman look-alike who
talks crop rotation and carburetors.

I gotta stop it before it's too late.

That was fun, huh?

Come on, you guys.

This has been going on
long enough.

When I said that you were the same,
I didn't mean that you're exactly the same.

- I can see lots of differences.
- You can?

- Sure.
- Like what?

Well, Bernard likes to floss
after he brushes,

and I don't remember Chris
flossing at all.

Look, metaphysically,
we're GM cars, okay?

Call him an Oldsmobile. Call me a Buick.
We're both V-6's under the hood.

- I'm sorry.
- It's not your fault.

No, it's not your fault. You're just telling
it like it is. No matter how discomforting.

Or ironic.
Or lamentable.

- Well, so now what?
- Bernard and I have to find our own separateness again.

- Within the context of our sameness.
- How?

Time.
Distance.

We'll leave first thing
in the morning.

Itches like crazy.

Well, you wear rubber gloves
when you work, right?

Rubber gloves?
Yeah.

Just bought a new pair.
Well, there you have it, Floyd.

Get rid of those gloves,
and you'll be fine.

Can't clean grease traps without
gloves. Rubber compounds vary.

Just try different brands until you
come up with one you can live with.

What you have is a classic case
of contact dermatitis.

With the right gloves,
it'll clear up in no time.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna write you a
prescription for a topical corticosteroid...

which should relieve the itching.

Just hand it to Marilyn.
She'll call it in for you.

- I'd rather not.
- What?

I'd rather not give it to Marilyn.

Well, why not?
Can you give it to her?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Would you call that in for me?

What's with you and Floyd?
Nothing.

Nothing? You could use a
blowtorch to cut the frost in here.

- You guys have a fight or something?
- Last year.

Some fight.
What, you guys went out together?

Okay, so you went out and-

We broke up.
Well, obviously. Why?

Heart murmur.

You stopped seeing the guy because he had
a heart murmur? His dad was 38 when he died.

Infarction, A. V. nodal block.

Where'd you learn about
atrio-ventricular blocks?

I looked.
You looked where?

In the files.

In the file?

You telling me you
- you looked in Floyd Carson's personal medical record?

Uh-huh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, is that how you found
out about Ted Banks's little problem as well?

- Uh-huh.
- Are you kidding me?

Marilyn!
Do you know what you've done?

Do you have any idea how you've just completely
violated the sanctity of the doctor-patient relationship?

I'm the office manager.

Those files are
for professional purposes only.

They're not meant to be
your-your personal Rolodex.

I don't believe this.

- Well, h-has there been anyone else?
- Sam White.

- Oh, w-what was Sam's offense?
- Um, proctitis.

Oh, that's beautiful!
That is beautiful.

Marilyn, inflammation of the rectal mucosa is
hardly a reason to sever a personal relationship.

Nor is an episode of impotency
or a heart murmur, for that matter.

You're not- You're not
interviewing combat pilots here.

You're-You're going out
on a little date.

- It's my life.
- It may be your life, but they're my files, and I don't want you to look at 'em.

Do you understand? I want you
to keep your nose out of'em.

Just, please, no peeking, all right?

Marilyn, do you hear me?
I don't want you to ever do that again.

Oh. Right.

What would you like to start with,
Dr. Fleischman?

I don't know.
How 'bout The Godfather?

There's a lot of New York
in that one.

Ah, are you kidding?
Movie breathes New York.

You see, the city's more
than a location, Ed.

It's more than just filth and graffiti
and congestion. It's an attitude.

Literally, it's a way
oflooking at the world. Yeah.

It's like when Brando
says to Pacino, you know,

"Whoever comes up to you
at the funeral, that's the traitor. "

I mean, setting up a guy for after you're dead
- that is definitely New York.

Big Apple, here we come!

Here we go.

Oh, no.

Maybe it's the tracking.
I just had this machine cleaned.

Hmm. Maybe it's the tape.
Let's try Dog Day Afternoon.

I can't win. I cannot win.

Okay. Take two.

Attica! Attica! Attica!

Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!

That's it. I'm done.
Attica! Attica! Attica!

Attica! Attica!
Sorry, Dr. Fleischman.

Say, let's play
a game of Monopoly.

I'm going to bed.

It's only 8:30, Dr. Fleischman.

I tell ya, Ed-
It's getting dark early these days.

Take the tapes.

Take anything you want.

Night, Dr. Fleischman.

Hey, Maggie.
You in the market?

Mutual funds.
My father set it up.

Oh, which group?
Fidelity? Acorn?

I should pay more attention.
I don't know.

Hey, Marilyn.
Hi, Marilyn.

How'd it go with Ted?
Oh, not good.

Really?
It's over.

Oh. That's too bad. It looked
like you guys were having fun.

You're lucky.
Me?

All the good ones are taken.

I don't know. I think there may
still be a few good men out there.

Not here. I checked.

Well, what's wrong with Ted?

He has problems.

Well, I'll tell you,
all men have problems, Marilyn.

- Hey, even Bernie.
- Can't be too careful.

You know, I disagree.

"No balls, no blue chips. " That's
what my finance professor used to say.

Of course it depends
on your personality.

Maybe you're the kind of person who's
happy with a fixed-income portfolio,

four percent total return
after taxes.

Safe, conservative,
but you're not gonna get rich.

And men are no different,
Marilyn.

You want to play,
you got to pay, right?

My advice is don't hedge. If you see something
promising, just lock it in, go with it.

It's the only way
to learn the game.

She's got a point, Marilyn.

Maybe.

Hey, Fleischman.
Ah, you look terrible.

Thanks.

This New York thing's
really got you down, huh?

I tell ya, I feel like
I've lost a part of myself.

Well, Fleischman-

maybe it's a part worth losing,
you think?

No, you know,
maybe it's a sign of growth.

Please, spare me
the pop psychology, O'Connell.

Come on, Fleischman.
What is growth, after all?

It's change.
Growth is change.

You know, a snake sheds its skin
so it can become a bigger snake.

You know what I mean?

I mean, to move on and move ahead,
you have to let go of something.

This obsession with New York
- Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's keeping you from yourself,

your ability
to interact with others?

What do you mean?
It isn't healthy, Fleischman.

Well, see ya.

Top off the tank, Chris?

Hello.

Uh, hey, Shel. I don't know.
Loganberry pie.

You just had one.

Oh.
Not hitting on all eight, huh?

I had to do it, Shel.
I had to throw my brother out.

Mega.
What else could I do?

I'm not gonna live in the same town feeling
like some existential xerox of somebody else.

Yeah.

You know,
back in Saskatoon,

well, me and my best friend Cindy
used to be...

the primo junior league
hockey groupies of all time.

We used to party with these
identical twins on the Otters,

Jacques and Gilles Leblanc.

Real stud muffins.

But I swear to God,
a couple of rum and Cokes,

you couldn't tell which one
was slipping you the puck.

They used to trick us all the time,
pretend they were the other guy, you know?

But there was this one ref,
real hard-ass named Luc Conrad.

He really hated Gilles.
Nobody knew why exactly.

I mean, Gilles and Jacques
played on the same line.

They hooked the same.
They high-sticked the same.

They elbowed the same.

But for some reason, Conrad would
only blow the whistle on Gilles.

So one game,
they decided to pull a switch.

They changed jerseys, right?

They get out there on the ice.

Suddenly Conrad's throwing Jacques
in the penalty box.

But it was really Gilles.
He could tell.

That's how much he hated him.

Pretty weird, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks, Shel.
Thanks a lot, huh?

No prob.

I mean, I can't believe it.

You fixed it. I brought it home,
and this is what I got, see?

This machine get dropped recently?
No, it did not get dropped.

I brought it home, I plugged it in,
and that's what happened, all right?

Capstan motor's shot.
Whoa. Wait a minute.

- I bring in dirty heads, I go home with a broken motor?
- Just a coincidence.

Well, what might this coincidence
cost to be fixed?

- I can't fix it.
- What do you mean, you can't fix it?

These new machines, it's not just a little
D. C. motor we're talking about.

You got a P. C. board in there,
transistors, integrated circuits.

One little part goes, you gotta
replace the whole assembly.

- Yeah, what's that, 50 bucks?
- A hundred bucks for the assembly, another, uh, 80 for labor.

What? Are you kidding me? I can get a
whole new machine for that kind of money!

Your call.

Oh, I don't believe this. I've seen
better shakedowns from grade school kids.

- Listen, pal-
- No, you listen, pal!

The D. A.'s got a word for this kind of thing, and I got news for you
- it ain't " coincidence. "

That machine was working
when it left here. Says you.

Are you calling me a liar?

I'm saying you're gonna fix that machine for nothing
or I'll have your ass in a sling. You understand?

I will put you out of business so
fast, your head'll spin! Oh, yeah?

Yeah!
Yeah?

Yeah.

All right.

All right, what? I'll only
charge you for the parts.

- Oh, you'll throw in labor for free?
- Yeah.

No.

- What do you mean, " no"?
- I want parts and labor for free.

You want parts and labor?
Yeah.

For free?
I want parts and labor for free.

You want parts and labor for free? That's what
I said. I said I want parts and labor for free.

Are you crazy? Am I crazy? You're asking
me if I'm crazy? You think I'm crazy?

I'll tell you who's crazy, friend. You're
crazy. That's who's crazy. You're crazy!

Am I crazy? Do the words "Better
Business Bureau" mean anything to you?

Do you think I'm stupid?
I don't know! Are you stupid?

You calling me stupid? Well, I'll tell you what's stupid. Going out of business
- that's stupid.

You're nuts! Oh, I'm nuts. Okay, Ernie.
Say good-bye 'cause it's over, pal.

Don't threaten me!
Yeah? I already threatened you.

You're gonna threaten me?
I know my rights, pal.

Yeah, well, I got rights too!
Yeah? What rights you got?

You wanna know what rights I got?
I don't care about you.

You better start caring, 'cause I don't want you
even to step into this place without an apology!

Hey, unpack your bags. Happy
days are here again. I got it.

What? The answer to the
difference between us.

Right.
No. No, really, I do.

We've all been through
a lot, Chris.

Ann, there's a difference, really. Really?

Really!

Look, ever since
that you got here,

I- I've been tryin' to trigger
the old memory cells, you know,

trip the- trip the hormonal lever
to want to go horizontal.

It just-
It never happened, you know.

I mean, I look at you today,
I'm not attracted at all.

I mean, it's
- You know, your features are pleasant enough and everything.

It's just-
Never happen, man.

I mean, the way your nose goes up and down when
you talk, that would drive me nuts after a while.

Bernard, if I put Ann in a room
with 10 other good-lookin' babes,

she's not the one
I'd strap to the Harley.

You got a point, Chris? Yeah, I
got a point. The point's obvious.

You are in love with Ann.
Not me. You.

That's it?

What greater difference can you have?
I mean, Bernard, look.

We contemplate the world
through- through different bifocals.

You know, we stand here,
we look at Ann.

It's you. You love her, not me.
Why? Why is that? Why?

- Well- - Hey, man, call it
pheromones. Call it R. N. A. sequencing.

Whatever you want to call it.

Bernard, down in the deepest
recesses of our being,

down in that crazy intersection...

of- of sense and impulse and passion
that we call the human heart,

you have different wiring than me.

He's not the same.

- You're a different person.
- I'm a different person.

I'm a different person!

Huh!
Hey, hermano!

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Phew!

Hey, Fleischman, where would you like
this? Oh, let me grab that from you. Thanks.

Okay. Hey, would you
sign right here?

Certainly.
That's a nice coat, O'Connell.

Thanks.
Yeah.

I've been meaning to tell you, I like what
you've been doing with your hair lately.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

It's kind of...
I don't know- perky.

Perky?
Yeah. Perky.

- Line one.
- Oh. All right. Thank you. Excuse me.

Mm-hmm.

Hi. This is Dr. Fleischman.
Yeah, Clifford.

Oh, you're kidding!
Oh, that's great! That's great!

No, I got the- I got the receipt.
I'll fax it to you right now.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I can make that.
I will be there on that date.

And-And thanks again.
Right. Bye.

Yes! Not only can I nail the bastard
for consumer code violations,

my attorney thinks I can bring him
up on charges of felony fraud as well.

That Ernie. What a schmuck.

What does he think I am,
some greenhorn right off the boat?

He can jerk me around
like some Chaim Yankel?

You should have seen the look on his face when
he offered to fix it for free, and I told him no.

Wait a minute. He offered to fix
this for free, and you said no?

Yeah, well, labor only.

Hey! Tell that dog to shut up!

Yeah, he wanted me to pay for parts. Can
you imagine that? I wish I had a camera.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

Instead of a VCR that works,
you have a useless VCR,

a pending lawsuit
and an enemy for life.

- Essentially, yeah.
- And-And you're happy?

Yeah.

Perfect. Perfect. You know, Fleischman,
you didn't have anything to worry about.

All this moaning,
"Who am I? What am I?"

Please! A little shrillness, a little
hostility, and you're back in the pink.

All this talk about Zabar's and Rockefeller
Center, the I. R. T., Nathan's red hots-

That's not what this is about.
Misery.

That's the missing ingredient.

A little heartburn with your OrangeJulius,
the world's a beautiful place.

You got it.

Well, enjoy.

Hey, what is going on here?

Hey, are you deaf or something?
The dog- muzzle it!

It's been quite a week for yours truly,
and it's only Tuesday.

Bernard and I have solved
our metaphysical conundrum,

and it's left me dangling on the horns
of an even bigger dilemma.

The biggest, in fact.

Talkin' 'bout the big " L," people.

Amore, Cupid's arrows,
crazy thing called love.

I'm not talking about
this agape kind of love...

or this spiritual, platonic
brotherhood of man,

"Hey, I'm okay, you're okay"
kind of deal.

I'm talking about Eros,

serious grope time,

the bonding ofhearts and glands.

Like Tristan and Isolde,

Abelard and Hélo'iïse,

Bernard and Ann.

What throws the switch?

How is it that my brother, Bernard,

my veritable other self,

can find himself head over heels...

about someone to whom
I'm totally indifferent,

yet- this is a big yet-

someone for whom I once carried
a monster-sized torch?

Was I different back then?
Was she?

Is love supposed to last
throughout all time,

or is it like trains changing
at random stops?

If I loved her,
how could I leave her?

If I felt that way then,

how come I don't feel anything now?

K- Bear lines are open.

Hi.

Hi.

Real bad cough.

Uh-huh.

You shouldn't get too close.

Bronchitis.

Think so?
Hmm. Maybe.

Hey, Dave. How 'bout
some herb tea? Right away.

Do you want anything?
Mineral water.

Sparkling?
Uh-huh.

One sparkling water.

Lemon? Lime?

Um, lemon.

With lemon, Dave.

So, think we're gonna
get that storm?

Maybe.
Mm-hmm.

Here you go.
Thank you.

Thanks.
You're welcome.