Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 5, Episode 21 - I Feel the Earth Move - full transcript
Ron and Eric plan their wedding, Holling is hired to cater, Maggie begins to experience earthquakes and Joel peeks inside Marilyn's diary.
You might get a kick out of this.
This is my first Time cover, Pat.
If I look like I'm about to bust, it's
because Gordo's trying to goose me.
Eric, freshen up your mother's
framboise there, would you?
Oh, no, no. No more for me, thank you.
Uh, would you care for some more tiramisu?
Oh no, rea- It's- It's
getting late, Maurice.
We should let you go to bed. You've
been so gracious having me over here.
Well, it's entirely my pleasure, Pat.
So proud of my Eric.
He's made such a wonderful
life for himself up here...
and he's marrying a wonderful man.
What?
That was supposed to be a surprise until
the invitations came out. It's all right.
Rock on! A spring wedding! That's great!
Well, congratulations, fellas.
Come on, Fleischman. What's going on?
What do you mean?
Well, you've had this glint in your
eye ever since we left Anchorage.
All right, well, I was gonna wait until
we got home, but, um, if you insist.
Wh-When we, uh, passed that bookstore
on the way to the restaurant,
well, I saw something in the window
that I just thought you had to have,
and, uh, if you recall, when I left the
table, I actually snuck over and got it.
It's, uh, Edna St. Vincent Millay
- Her sonnets. Do you know them?
You bought this for me?
Oh, Fleischman, that's
so unlike you. That's so-
So what?
Well, I don't know, it's
- it's thoughtful and romantic.
Well, thanks, I guess.
I love Millay.
Yeah, they're great. Huh.
Enjoy. Thanks.
- Whoa. Sorry!
- What?
What? What are you sorry about?
The turbulence. I mean,
I know you hate it.
I
- I didn't feel any turbulence.
What do you mean you
didn't feel any turbulence?
I didn't.
Well, good for you. Hey.
Good, Fleischman. You're turning
into a real aviator. Way to go.
Hey, press those tux pants, 'cause we got the
first wedding of the new season. That's right.
Ron and Eric, proprietors
of the Sourdough Inn,
will tie the knot next Saturday.
The happy couple is registered at
Williams-Sonoma, Bloomingdale's and Tower Records.
See Ruth-Anne for catalogs.
And for out-of-towners
needing accommodation,
Clem Stillman is letting
out his spare room...
for a philanthropical 35 bucks a
night, continental breakfast included.
Here's one for the happy grooms.
Hey, chief, listen.
I'm putting together some
music for Ron and Eric.
You know their taste better
than me. What do you think?
Like, uh, Sound of
Music, Sweeney Todd? What?
Is it me? Or has the whole
world gone stark staring mad?
"Mrs. Patricia Hillman requests
the honor of your presence...
at the marriage of her
son, Eric Reese Hillman...
to Ronald Arthur Bantz. "
Arthur? I didn't know
he had a middle name.
Boy, this
- this whole farce makes a mockery of the covenant of marriage.
What are you going to wear?
I'm not going.
What do you mean, you're not going?
Look, e-every time I accept these
tutti-fruttis as members of the community,
they pull a stunt like this.
We're talking about two men here.
The whole thing flies in the face
of the... concept of marriage.
Be fruitful, multiply, that gig?
Yeah, that for starters.
Look, Maurice, I see it as evolution.
I mean, the population explodes. There's
something like 5.6 billion, right? And counting.
We don't need any more kinder. You know,
the human race just kind of... adjusts.
You're telling me that same-sex
marriage is an adjustment?
I see it as mainstream.
So in your twisted worldview, Ron
and Eric are pillars of society?
Yeah, absolutely. Look.
Maurice, guys like me and you, we're
the outlaws, man. We're the renegades.
We're standing there taking a
leak on the picket fence, man.
Riding down life's highway,
no helmet. No attachments.
Oh, save it for the airwaves, Stevens.
I'm still not going!
I'll make a note to
myself to call Ruth-Anne.
Have her send over a
nice baccarat bar set.
Before we get too many people there. See?
Ron, I've always been
a little fuzzy on this.
Is cocktail attire semi-formal
or more dress casual?
Well, yeah, that's kind of a gray area,
but, uh, well, you really can't
go wrong with a jacket and a tie.
Oh, okay, thanks. I'll
see you Saturday. Okay.
Hey, fellas. Hey.
Hey, I was just trying out a
new recipe for salmon fritters.
Uh, care for a taste? Sure.
- Is that thyme?
- No, dill.
- Its very nice.
- So, you having the... wedding catered?
Marty Peterson, Cantwell Catering.
Marty Peterson. Still in business, huh?
Mind if I ask how much he's charging?
Seventy-five bucks a head.
Well, that's Marty for you.
I guess he saw you two city boys coming.
I don't think that's unreasonable.
No? Well, I don't suppose you'd
care for another, uh, quote?
I thought after that, uh,
salmonella business at Founder's Day,
you weren't doing any more catering.
Uh, that was, uh, my dairy supplier.
We switched.
Oh, well
- Uh, we've got to warn you about the menu though. It's, uh, gourmet.
Let's see.
Ah, pâté of foie gras,
prosciutto and melon,
Chinese crab cakes,
uh-huh chèvre en croûte.
Main course is tournedo ofbeef and
mesquite grilled salmon. How much?
Well, we'd need a bartender,
plus Eugene, who's taking over
for Dave while he's on vacation.
Uh, that would come to
- Let's say... 60 bucks a head.
- Sixty?
- I like the sound of that.
- You've got a deal.
- Ron!
Sixty bucks a head! You
won't be disappointed.
Hey, Marilyn,
I need you to transcribe
some dictation, if you would.
Later. I'm busy right now.
Oh, really? Well, what
is it you're busy with?
Ajournal. It's for my writing class.
- Oh, yeah? You're taking a writing class?
- Sleetmute extension.
I carpool with Mrs. Anku.
I kept a diary when I first came out here.
It was sort oflike a
- a mental lifesaver.
It was my way of maintaining sanity while
facing four hard years I-in nowhere, Alaska.
Hmm.
So, what is it that, uh,
that you're writing about?
Impressions.
Huh.
Mind if I... have a little peek?
It's personal. You're right. I'm sorry.
Well, that's good. I, uh, I admire that.
It's a journal after all.
It's supposed to be private.
Your own personal and private thoughts.
I'll be in my office.
Hey, Fleischman. Hey. How are you doin'?
Okay. That was some trembler, huh?
Must have been a 4.5, don't you think?
What? The earthquake.
What are you talking
about? What earthquake?
You didn't feel it? God.
What can I get you, Maggie? Oh,
just a cup of coffee. Thanks.
Hey, Shel, did you feel
an earthquake? Uh-uh.
Well, let me tell you. My house was
pitching and rolling. It was like a boat.
- Hey! Did you feel it, Eugene?
- Nope.
I guess an earthquake can
radiate energy in strange ways.
I've heard stories where one house
can be completely untouched...
and another across the street can be
flattened, so maybe it's something like that.
Yeah, well I can't believe
you guys didn't feel this one.
There's a fault line that runs right
underneath Ivory Springer's barn.
That's why his cows look so scared.
Yeah, well some animals do
get premonitions about quakes.
Well, I can't believe I was
the only one that felt it.
I read a-a story about
a horse in Los Angeles...
that-that suddenly went berserk
two hours before a quake.
I mean, it just kicked its way out of the stall a
- and made for the hills.
I mean, tectonic plates
can announce themselves...
I
- in ways that humans can't possibly perceive, I guess.
Like-Like high-frequency
sound waves or something.
Right.
You all right?
Yeah, uh-huh.
Foie gras. Two pounds.
They sell them in 11 ounce
tins, Holling. Uh-huh.
$47 a tin. Oh.
Better make it three tins.
That's everything.
Total? Fire away.
$2,692. What? Let me see
that. That can't be right.
How much are we paying
for these mushrooms?
$12 a pound. Mon dieu.
Cheese corn, anyone? Oh, thanks.
Whoa. What's with the sick puppy routine?
We have a few problems
with the menu, Shel.
I don't know why you took this gig,
anyway. Couldn't we just be guests?
It was an opportunity, Shelly.
Ifigured at 60 bucks a head,
we could make a decent profit...
pick up that sump pump I've had my eye on.
No more mucking around in hip
boots come the spring thaw.
But with these prices,
we'll be lucky to break even.
Bummer.
Well, let's try it again.
Okay.
Prosciutto, eight pounds.
Where should we put your Uncle Phil?
Table four? With the Pedersons?
Mmm. That's not a great
mix. What do you mean?
Well, you said so yourself.
The man's a black hole.
He sits there sucking the
energy out of the room.
Hey, what's this? Nancy. What about her?
Now we decided we
weren't gonna invite her.
We had an agreement,
Ron. I don't think so.
Yes, we did. It was less than two weeks
ago. We were repainting the Flaubert Suite.
I said I had a problem with her.
Take her off the list? You said okay.
Why would I do that? She's my cousin.
You can't not invite her. She's family.
She's always dishing me. She calls
me, le petit prince, all right?
I don't believe this. Well,
obviously, I misunderstood. I'm sorry.
You're always doin' this.
"I didn't hear you. " "I misunderstood. "
But one way or another,
you always get your way.
It's just like that business with Holling.
You threw away six weeks of
planning without consulting me.
You could have said something.
He was standing right there.
I think it's nice you're staying local.
Well, you haven't eaten his food, Mom.
Holling said he could duplicate the menu.
Besides, he's our friend. Like
DelVecchio's Cleaners. Remember?
Not nearly as good as Burton's downtown.
Half the time I had to re-iron your dad's shirts
myself, but Sal was part of the neighborhood.
I'm never right, am I, Mom?
What? You always take his side.
Eric, she's just trying to make a point.
Well, I think it's remarkable that her
points always happen to coincide with yours.
Hey, I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat.
Boy, you still scribbling
away, huh? Mm-hmm.
Hey, you know what I found in
my jacket pocket this morning?
Thread? No, you know what this is?
Remember that emergency call from
Yakutat last winter? Tubal pregnancy.
Yeah, I had to do a laparotomy by
flashlight, and I ran out of sutures?
This is the thread I-I borrowed
from that woman's sewing kit.
Remember? I-I soaked it in alcohol,
and that's what I used to close?
Guess I told you, huh? Mm-hmm.
Well, look, if you ever
get fuzzy on any details,
I'd be more than happy
to go over it again.
It's just, you know, it occurs to me
that in all the conversations we've had,
we haven't spent much time on the-the
broader view of health care delivery.
Mmm.
I just
- I thought it was something we could chat about sometime if you want.
Or not.
Well, it's not exactly the wedding
that I had envisioned for Eric,
but, uh, Ron is a nice
man, don't you think?
Um, you say there's a fish course?
Mmm, grilled salmon. Uh-huh.
You'll want a white then. Uh-
Might I suggest with your budget,
a nice California chardonnay.
This, uh, Clos du Bois,
that's, uh, surprisingly good,
and it's only about 10 bucks a pop.
Hmm. If you, uh, call that
number I gave you in Anchorage,
uh, uh, they'll give you a break
on top of the case discount.
C- C-Could I
write this down?
Oh, no, keep the bottle,
please. Oh, thank you, Maurice.
Here, let me show you that
champagne that I told you about.
Um, Maurice?
Uh, could I ask you
another favor? Of course.
Would you mind terribly if I sat
you next to me at the reception?
It would make me feel so-
Well, I would be honored.
Unless of course, you're
escorting someone else.
Oh, no, no, no, Pat. I'm flattered.
Um, I'm afraid I won't
be attending the wedding.
What? Uh, no, you see, uh,
I'm, uh, opening a Chuck E. Cheese
franchise in Cordova on Saturday.
Uh, they expect me there
to... hand out balloons.
Oh, well, um, couldn't
you change the date?
No, no, the, uh, newspapers
have already announced it,
and, uh, the vendors are all lined up.
Oh, gee. You know, Eric is
gonna be so disappointed.
He would never, ever mention
it in a million years,
but I think that you
kind of remind him ofJack.
Jack? His father.
My husband. H
- He was a military man also.
82nd Airborne.
Uh, yeah, I think, uh,
Eric mentioned that.
Yeah, he died three years ago.
I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you.
This, uh, Veuve Clicquot is my favorite,
but, uh, you still get a bang for
your buck with the domestic Mumm's.
You know, Maurice, I know the reception
is going to go on kind of late,
so why don't you join us for dessert?
No, I'll be, uh, busy all weekend.
Oh.
Note the dryness.
Got some doilies for the serving trays,
some of those fancy little soft napkins.
They gave me a deal on the, uh,
frilly tipped toothpicks too.
Twenty-five percent off on a gross.
At least something went right.
Why? What's that you got there, Eugene?
Don't tell me road freight's already in?
It's in, Holling. But they
sure screwed up big-time.
Why? Didn't they, uh
- Look. Six pounds of frozen chicken livers.
What do they do with that?
Where's our foie gras?
And what's this doing in here?
Dubuque honey ham? I
ordered the ham, Eugene.
Oh. Okay.
But they still forgot our
prosciutto though. No, no, no.
This is instead of the prosciutto.
Honey baked ham. Right.
Don't we need prosciutto
to wrap around the melons?
And that's another thing.
They didn't ship us any casabas
either. Just these canned apricots.
Well, uh, that's the thing, Eugene.
What? Apricots.
You see, those casaba
melons this time of year,
you've got to send all the way to
the California gulf to get them.
They cut them early, ship them green.
They taste pulpy. So?
Well, we take our honey baked, we slice
it extra thin, just like the prosciutto,
quarter our apricots, and
we wrap them up in our ham.
Voilà!
Same color. Same idea.
Salty meat, sweet fruit.
I don't know, Holling. And
these, uh, these chicken livers?
Oh! They make a much better paté spread.
I've been reading up on foie gras.
And I've got to tell you. It's just
like pouring lard right into your veins.
What? Cholesterol, Eugene.
Pure fat. When you think about it,
we're doing those folks a real favor.
Ron and Eric gave us a menu, Holling.
And they're gonna get a
good feed. Take my word.
Now, you, uh, set to work. You
get those, uh, apricots drained.
And be sure you save the syrup.
We're going to use that
for the tropical punch.
Now, where'd I put that grenadine?
Where's the show going
to be happening exactly?
Ceremony? It's going to be
right over here under the arbor.
Right between these
trellises here. Right, Eric?
Of course, there's going to be a
canopy and, uh, floral arrangements.
Oh, and the boys have decided on
Casablancas and Scottish grass. Cool.
Hey, Chris, listen, uh, instead of the Mozart
after the Vivaldi, let's go with Dvorak.
New World, uh, about a
minute 45 into the largo.
Done. Dvorak for the processional?
That's a funeral, Ron. We discussed this.
Well, we said we'd see. Listen.
Believe me, Eric. It's gonna work fine.
With the timpani's? I
told you I hated that.
Oh, honey, you love Dvorak.
You've always loved Dvorak.
See? What did I tell you?
I don't believe you two.
What? You just did it
again, Mom, just now.
Can't you hear yourself?
Anything he says- I- I'm your son.
Of course you are. Okay, okay, fine, Eric.
We'll go with the Handel, then.
All right? Let's just forget it.
Yeah, n-no problem.
Don't patronize me, Ron.
Handel, water music, the big cliché?
W
- Wasn't that done to death last week when I suggested it?
Eric, I'm just
- I'm just trying to arrange the wedding.
And I'm not?
That's right. I forgot. I'm
the bad guy here. I'm the heavy.
Excuse me. Honey, honey, R
- Ron didn't mean that.
It's just that
- that you seem to be finding a problem with everything.
Here he goes with his " poor me" routine.
This'll eat up an hour. I'm warning you.
Get your finger out of my face.
Guys, uh, come on. Guys,
guys, guys. Come on.
No, I know I ordered a large.
Look? What? The point is it
doesn't fit me! This is ridiculous!
Look, I'm-I'm sorry. Just- I want my money
back. I want you idiots out of my life!
Forget it! Are you out of your mind?
Why should I pay the postage? That's the
most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
All right, fine. Why don't you
just give me your supervisor?
Yes, your supervisor.
Okay, w-well, what's your name?
Cathy, with a " C"? How about a last name?
Okay, well, I'd dust off my
résumé, if I were you, Cathy.
Have a nice day.
Hey. Oh, you're not writing
that down? Come on. Marilyn.
That's totally unfair. You can't take an
incident like that out of its broader context.
A
- And even if you think I was a little abrupt on the phone,
the fact remains, why should I
pay for something that I didn't do?
and I'm already out ten bucks
from postage as-is. Mm-hmm.
Hey, Fleischman. Got your gloves.
Unsterilized.
- Hey, how about lunch?
- Lunch?
Yeah, you know, the meal
between breakfast and dinner?
I'm sorry. I can't. I've gotta get
these perishables over to Holling.
Then I promised Walt I'd give
him a hand with his truck.
Sounds like a timing belt problem,
but, you know, you never know.
What time should I pick you up tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
- Yeah, for the wedding.
Oh, the wedding, right.
6:00 good? Uh, 6:00.
Oh, gee, Fleischman, you know, I can't. I-I
promised Ron I'd help him set up all those chairs.
I know. I'm always overcommitting.
I'll have to meet you there, all right?
See you, Fleischman.
Hey!
Well, I mean, there's
no, uh, external otitis.
Both membranes appear normal.
There's nothing to suggest an
external or-or a middle ear pathology.
My ear's fine, Fleischman. I'm fine.
Everything's fine. Really. Can I go?
No, just follow my finger for one second.
Fleischman
- Please, humor me.
That's good. Yeah. Of course it's good.
Look. There's nothing wrong with
me. I've told you that already.
I told you that a hundred times! What? You
just took a dive in the street for no reason?
I just had a lot of coffee. Coffee?
No, really. I had a lot of coffee
- way too much coffee.
It was stupid. I should have known better.
It used to happen to me all
the time. Midterms. Poli-sci.
Cold sweats, the room
would do somersaults.
Student health wanted to pump my stomach.
Listen to me. Wh-What that's
called is ataxia, okay?
And-And it actually may
not be an isolated incident.
I felt a little dizzy, Fleischman.
You know? I fell down. So what?
No. Remember when we were
flying back from Anchorage,
and you felt that turbulence?
And I didn't. And then the earthquake.
Right? You felt an earthquake?
I'm sensitive to earthquakes,
little ones, even tiny ones.
All right, just tell me. Is there any kind of,
um, any kind of stress or pressure in your life?
I mean, it could be anything
from emotional or work or-
No. No.
I mean, th-there could be- There
could be a lot of root causes here.
It could be, uh- It could be
B12 deficiency or-or anemia,
frontal lobe disorder.
Frontal lobe?
The brain? A brain tumor?
Look. No, Fleischman. It's
none of that. I can assure you.
I
- I don't have a brain tumor.
I didn't say it was a brain tumor.
Thanks, all right? I'll see you later.
Boy, Eugene, we are really clicking
along on these canapés, aren't we?
We keep this up, we're gonna be slicing those
tenderized skirt steaks before nightfall.
- Right.
- You know, Eugene, once the boys' check clears...
I'm gonna put in a call
about that sump pump and...
if we have any luck, we'll
have it in before spring thaw.
No more hauling buckets of water up
and down from the basement for you.
I'll bet you like that, huh?
Mmm.
H- Have you tried one of these cream
cheese and sweet pickle roll-ups yet?
I tell you. It is delicious.
That French chèvre. Who do
they think they're kidding?
It's just goat cheese.
If you want my opinion, it leaves
a feral taste on your tongue.
How are you coming on
those crab puffs, anyway?
Pollock. Excuse me?
I said pollock.
There's no crab in here, just pollock.
Oh, now, blindfolded, you
can't tell the difference.
I hear theJapanese prefer them.
I can't do this. Oh, sure you can.
I mean, the secret is, just
don't let it get you frustrated.
A man like you, big hands, it's hard to
get those things crimped closed. I know.
You just, uh, have to...
practice a little bit. That's all.
It's not the puffs, Holling.
I can't help you cheat these people
out of the food that they ordered.
Cheat? Who said anything about cheating?
Folks come in here and order a hamburger
basket, that's what I give them.
A toasted sesame-seed bun, half pound
ground round, a slice of cheese and fries.
Oh, yeah. You sure load your friends
up with plenty of my fries, don't you?
I can't do this.
I'm not going to either.
I quit. Quit?
You can't quit! Eugene!
We've got 250 buffalo wings to braise!
And just who do you think's
going to dice those fruit cups?
Sorry, Holling. Eugene!
Sorry.
Hi, Ron! Hey, Maggie!
I've got your tickets to Kauai! Thanks.
Yeah, that reminds me. I gotta
getJoel to get me some Valium.
Oh. Eric's kind of a jumpy flier.
Of course, I may be going by myself now.
You okay, Maggie?
Hey, come here. Sit down. Oh, yeah.
No, I'm fi-fine. I'm much better.
What is it? Oh, I don't know. I
just had this little stomach upset.
Then you mentioned Fleischman. I'm sorry?
My stomach and... Fleischman.
Oh! Maybe that's it!
Oh, oh, no. That's horrible.
I can't even
- I can't even think about that.
Okay.
I don't want to burden you.
You have your wedding and all.
You really want to hear about it?
Okay, look. You know how Fleischman
and I used to always pick on each other?
Well, he's changed.
He's gotten kind, you
know, and considerate.
So that... now when I'm around
him, or I even think about him,
I start to feel like I'm
gonna vomit, you know?
Vomit, huh? Yeah, I understand that.
You do? A similar thing
with my ex-wife, Suzanna.
Right after we got married, I started
getting these terrible migraines.
Doctors couldn't find a thing.
Finally, after I had a long talk with
myself, I discovered what the problem was.
It was Suzanna.
Well, actually, that's not fair.
It was me
- my lack of desire for the opposite sex.
Huh.
Once I admitted that, headaches went away.
What did you do? I got a divorce.
What else could I do?
She remarried eventually.
Orthodontist, two kids,
split-level in Port Washington.
We've remained pretty good friends though.
So, what you're saying is that Fleischman
and I aren't meant to be together?
Well, I don't know, but, it sounds to me
like your body's trying to tell you somethin'.
Oh, God.
Two seasons in Alaska.
Mud and less mud.
Hey, the new Forbes is here.
You can have it first.
I'll take the Vanity Fair.
Marilyn?
Marilyn!
Hi, there you are.
Just grabbing some lunch, huh?
I was, uh, leaving the
new Forbes Magazine, see?
There is
- It looks like an interesting article on forestry stocks.
Boise Cascade, Champion International.
Sounds like a good
hedge against inflation.
Well- Look, hey, you know, fine.
I'm sorry. Wh-What do you expect?
You left it there. It's
right out in the open.
It's called entrapment, you know?
I mean, consciously o
- or subconsciously.
It's a diary. You're supposed to
lock it up and put it in a drawer,
That's the whole idea. You don't
leave it around for somebody to read,
unless of course you want them to read it.
You know, by the way, this is
a doctor's office, you know?
I mean, th-there's
medicine and equipment.
You don't just-just walk off
and- and leave it unattended.
In the future, I'd appreciate it if you were just
a little more conscientious with your lunch breaks.
Hey! Save my hinges!
Come on in! It's open!
Eric, what happened to you?
I need a favor, Maurice
- $500.
Well, why? I'm good for it.
Well, I know you're good for it.
If I drive straight through, I'll be in
Seattle by Tuesday, wire you the money.
I got some friends in Port Townsend.
Which is where I wanted to go in the first place,
before he talked me into trying to gentrify this outback.
Here you go, 500. Thanks.
You want to... fill me
in? Are you leaving town?
He's insidious, Maurice.
You don't know. Nobody knows.
He's always above it. Mr. Collected.
What you don't understand is that he's the one
that starts it. Worse than that, he enjoys it.
Needs it, even. Here.
I am so lucky... that I saw it in time.
'Cause I almost made the
biggest mistake of my life.
Thanks. Calling off the wedding?
He can have the B and B.
He can have the Ralph Lauren polo shirts.
He thinks he's gonna hold me hostage for
a set of calphalon cookware, he's crazy.
What do you know?
Whole thing's called off.
Well, I always thought
it was pretty flaky,
but, uh, you two seemed as happy as
a couple of cuckoo birds up there.
Whole thing's just such a mess.
Thanks again.
- Hey, wait a minute.
- What?
Have you thought this thing over?
I mean, really thought it over.
This shindig takes place tomorrow, right?
You've got people coming
in from out of town.
You got presents piling up. You got
all that food over there. So what?
So what about your mother, for starters!
She is so proud of you.
She's so excited. She was over here...
talking about the wine list, frettin'
over the seating arrangements.
She wants this thing to go off without
a hitch. She wants it to be perfect.
Isn't it bad enough that you broke
her heart once with your proclivities?
Now you're doing it again, and
it's a damn shame if you ask me.
Man, Maurice.
Look, son.
I don't have any experience
in this sort of thing,
but I do know that all couples
have their ups and downs.
Eight years ought to count for something.
Here I am trying to talk
you into this fairy chase.
Now, son, you're a mess.
You're in no shape to be
making life decisions tonight.
Why don't you sleep here on the
couch and see how you feel tomorrow?
There's bedding in the hall closet.
Help yourself.
Good night.
H? The bed's gettin' cold.
You ever gonna knock
off and get some " z's"?
Just finishing up the last batch of
canapés, Shelly. I'll be up in a minute.
What's that smell? What?
Oh, that must be the, uh, paté spread.
You're whipping up paté? Like that yummy
spread Maurice had at his Easter get-down?
Mm-hmm. Using my own recipe, though.
Instead of goose livers, I'm using,
uh, the liver of his cousin the chicken.
That stuff I ate on
toast points was liver?
Here, Shelly. Try this.
Tell me what you think.
Okay.
What?
What's the matter?
Well, it's liver.
You know me and liver, Holling.
You don't like it.
Oh, no. It's real good.
Delicious, in fact.
Especially if you like liver.
I mean, if you like liver, you'd
probably really like that liver.
Maybe some Worcester on- Oh or
a- a shake of this celery salt.
Don't worry, babe. The way
you've been slavin' away,
your table's going to
be totally out of sight.
People are gonna remember
this feed forever.
I'll bet you that. Yeah.
It's pretty cool when you think about it.
Getting yourself signed on to be such
a " humongo" part of someone's best day.
'Cause that's what it is
- biggest day of your whole life.
Numero uno page in the
brain's whole scrapbook.
Remember the day we put on the
handcuffs? Of course I remember.
It was all springy out. People
threw rice at us real hard.
And remember those two little
tweety birds in the maple tree?
Chestnut-backed chickadees.
They were busy building their own
little love grotto with sticks and stuff.
And you said, look, hon,
see up there? That's us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Holling? What are you doing?
You're 86'ing your liver spread?
It wasn't that bad, honest.
Into the garbage where it belongs.
And that is that. But, Holling-
Shelly, I have got a whole
night's work ahead of me.
I want you to get on the phone,
call the Chalet Gourmet in Anchorage.
Check on their stock of, uh,
of melons and goose liver...
and have them, uh
- have them emergency flown in.
I'm gonna have to bake up some pastry
shells for the goat cheese hors d'oeuvres.
And, uh, oh-
You know, I am never going to get
all this done before tomorrow evening.
There's only one thing to
do. Call Marty Peterson.
The catering guy in Cantwell?
Absolutely.
Oh, would you excuse
me for a minute? Uh-huh.
Maurice! You came after all.
Pat, don't you look lovely.
The Chuck E. Cheese thing
didn't take as long as I thought,
and I charted a Learjet
for the round trip.
Oh, I'm so glad, and Eric will be too.
He'll be so happy to have you here.
Maurice, you seen O'Connell by any
chance? Ah, no, I haven't, Joel.
Yeah, excuse me.
Hey, I've got to talk to
you. Oh, hi, Fleischman.
I think you caught me
at a bad time all right?
What are you talking
about? Ooh, you know what?
I left their gift in the truck.
Places, people. It's that time!
I think it's starting.
You'd better sit down.
I'll see you, huh? I
- I'll see you.
All right, everybody. Grab a chair.
Eric.
Okay, Cicely, friends,
we're here today to tie the knot
between Ron Bantz and Eric Hillman.
Marriage, why do we do it?
Everybody knows the stats.
One in two marriages end up in
broken dishes and a trip to Tijuana.
Is it loneliness? Partly.
Is it teamwork? Definitely.
Things just go easier
when there's two of you.
One of you can wait in line at the movie
theater while the other guy parks the car.
Get better seats that way. Better
room rate when it's a double.
Ron, Eric, you ready to file jointly?
Ron, will you have Eric to be your spouse?
To love him, comfort him
in sickness and in health?
Stick it out until the fat lady sings?
I will.
Eric, how about you? I will.
Excellent. Let's go for the gold.
Above you is the sun and sky.
Below you the ground.
Like the sun, your
love should be constant.
Like the ground, solid.
You both cool with that?
We are.
In that case, I now
pronounce you... married.
Oh, Fleischman, I
- I've got to go to the john.
Let's party, people!
Hey, Mom.
Mom.
Hey, are you in there?
I just
- I just really would like to talk to you for one sec.
Okay.
Mmm, hey. Hey, you okay?
Yeah, everything's perfect, really.
It's a beautiful ceremony, isn't it? Yeah.
It's good music.
I tried calling you this
morning, and I would have-
Look, Fleischman. I do feel sick.
You know? I can barely stand up straight,
and I feel like I'm
gonna throw up any minute,
and-and do you know why? Yeah,
that's why I'm here. I do know why.
I'm sorry, Fleischman.
What? Here you are being
sweet and affectionate,
everything I've always wanted,
and God, it's making me sick.
Fleischman, this
- this won't work, you know?
We've got to go back
to the way things were,
hostile and... bitter and petty, you know?
Th-The reason you're feeling
sick is you are sick. What?
Look. Here's what-This is
what I've been trying to say.
I- I-I got on the Internet and I ran a search
of the medical database atJohns Hopkins.
I think you have what's
called labyrinthitis.
Labyrinth and what? Labyrinthitis.
It's basically an inner ear condition,
although it's-it's somewhat of a- a mystery.
It manifests itself like, uh, a viral
infection, but no one really knows what it is.
The symptoms, however, though, are exactly what
you've been claiming you've been experiencing.
The-The disorientation,
the lack of balance, the nausea-
All of this. And-And what's more, from the
evidence I see, it's a fairly mild version of it.
It is? Yeah.
The thing is, the-there's no-
There's bad news and good news.
The bad news is, there's
no known treatment.
The good news is, it's-it's-it really
should run its course within a week.
So, I'm really sick!
Yeah, you're absolutely sick.
That's great. That's good.
Could you do me a favor and
just grab two pieces of cake?
I'll meet you right over there. Okay.
Hi. Um-
All right. Look. We've got to talk here.
First off, please don't
take this personally, okay?
I mean, 'cause it's
not about me. This is-
This is about the sanctity of the
doctor patient relationship, okay?
Confidentiality.
And-And I just feel that I'm-
I'm going to have to insist on-
on reading any passages
that, uh, pertain to me.
I just
- I feel I have to.
"I work in the office
of Dr. Joel Fleischman.
I don't have to type much. "
"Dr. Fleischman just came in, and he said,
'Marilyn, could you make a fresh pot of coffee?"'
- That's it.
- That's it?
Marilyn, you're telling me in this
entire journal, all of these words,
that that
- that's it?
Uh-huh.
All right, well-
All right.
Never mind.
Total knockout, babe. People are scarfing
these quail dealies like beer nuts.
Hey, Holling, wait! Another blini.
Goodness. They popped for sevruga.
They sure did. Wow.
Hey. I'm back.
Voilà! Ah, thank you.
Share, are we? Mm-hmm.
Well
- Cheers.
Hey.
Oh, Fleischman, it's happening again.
Oh, man. This is an earthquake. It is?
Yeah. Really? A real earthquake?
Shouldn't we get under
a table or something?
Oh, an earthquake! What a relief!
This is my first Time cover, Pat.
If I look like I'm about to bust, it's
because Gordo's trying to goose me.
Eric, freshen up your mother's
framboise there, would you?
Oh, no, no. No more for me, thank you.
Uh, would you care for some more tiramisu?
Oh no, rea- It's- It's
getting late, Maurice.
We should let you go to bed. You've
been so gracious having me over here.
Well, it's entirely my pleasure, Pat.
So proud of my Eric.
He's made such a wonderful
life for himself up here...
and he's marrying a wonderful man.
What?
That was supposed to be a surprise until
the invitations came out. It's all right.
Rock on! A spring wedding! That's great!
Well, congratulations, fellas.
Come on, Fleischman. What's going on?
What do you mean?
Well, you've had this glint in your
eye ever since we left Anchorage.
All right, well, I was gonna wait until
we got home, but, um, if you insist.
Wh-When we, uh, passed that bookstore
on the way to the restaurant,
well, I saw something in the window
that I just thought you had to have,
and, uh, if you recall, when I left the
table, I actually snuck over and got it.
It's, uh, Edna St. Vincent Millay
- Her sonnets. Do you know them?
You bought this for me?
Oh, Fleischman, that's
so unlike you. That's so-
So what?
Well, I don't know, it's
- it's thoughtful and romantic.
Well, thanks, I guess.
I love Millay.
Yeah, they're great. Huh.
Enjoy. Thanks.
- Whoa. Sorry!
- What?
What? What are you sorry about?
The turbulence. I mean,
I know you hate it.
I
- I didn't feel any turbulence.
What do you mean you
didn't feel any turbulence?
I didn't.
Well, good for you. Hey.
Good, Fleischman. You're turning
into a real aviator. Way to go.
Hey, press those tux pants, 'cause we got the
first wedding of the new season. That's right.
Ron and Eric, proprietors
of the Sourdough Inn,
will tie the knot next Saturday.
The happy couple is registered at
Williams-Sonoma, Bloomingdale's and Tower Records.
See Ruth-Anne for catalogs.
And for out-of-towners
needing accommodation,
Clem Stillman is letting
out his spare room...
for a philanthropical 35 bucks a
night, continental breakfast included.
Here's one for the happy grooms.
Hey, chief, listen.
I'm putting together some
music for Ron and Eric.
You know their taste better
than me. What do you think?
Like, uh, Sound of
Music, Sweeney Todd? What?
Is it me? Or has the whole
world gone stark staring mad?
"Mrs. Patricia Hillman requests
the honor of your presence...
at the marriage of her
son, Eric Reese Hillman...
to Ronald Arthur Bantz. "
Arthur? I didn't know
he had a middle name.
Boy, this
- this whole farce makes a mockery of the covenant of marriage.
What are you going to wear?
I'm not going.
What do you mean, you're not going?
Look, e-every time I accept these
tutti-fruttis as members of the community,
they pull a stunt like this.
We're talking about two men here.
The whole thing flies in the face
of the... concept of marriage.
Be fruitful, multiply, that gig?
Yeah, that for starters.
Look, Maurice, I see it as evolution.
I mean, the population explodes. There's
something like 5.6 billion, right? And counting.
We don't need any more kinder. You know,
the human race just kind of... adjusts.
You're telling me that same-sex
marriage is an adjustment?
I see it as mainstream.
So in your twisted worldview, Ron
and Eric are pillars of society?
Yeah, absolutely. Look.
Maurice, guys like me and you, we're
the outlaws, man. We're the renegades.
We're standing there taking a
leak on the picket fence, man.
Riding down life's highway,
no helmet. No attachments.
Oh, save it for the airwaves, Stevens.
I'm still not going!
I'll make a note to
myself to call Ruth-Anne.
Have her send over a
nice baccarat bar set.
Before we get too many people there. See?
Ron, I've always been
a little fuzzy on this.
Is cocktail attire semi-formal
or more dress casual?
Well, yeah, that's kind of a gray area,
but, uh, well, you really can't
go wrong with a jacket and a tie.
Oh, okay, thanks. I'll
see you Saturday. Okay.
Hey, fellas. Hey.
Hey, I was just trying out a
new recipe for salmon fritters.
Uh, care for a taste? Sure.
- Is that thyme?
- No, dill.
- Its very nice.
- So, you having the... wedding catered?
Marty Peterson, Cantwell Catering.
Marty Peterson. Still in business, huh?
Mind if I ask how much he's charging?
Seventy-five bucks a head.
Well, that's Marty for you.
I guess he saw you two city boys coming.
I don't think that's unreasonable.
No? Well, I don't suppose you'd
care for another, uh, quote?
I thought after that, uh,
salmonella business at Founder's Day,
you weren't doing any more catering.
Uh, that was, uh, my dairy supplier.
We switched.
Oh, well
- Uh, we've got to warn you about the menu though. It's, uh, gourmet.
Let's see.
Ah, pâté of foie gras,
prosciutto and melon,
Chinese crab cakes,
uh-huh chèvre en croûte.
Main course is tournedo ofbeef and
mesquite grilled salmon. How much?
Well, we'd need a bartender,
plus Eugene, who's taking over
for Dave while he's on vacation.
Uh, that would come to
- Let's say... 60 bucks a head.
- Sixty?
- I like the sound of that.
- You've got a deal.
- Ron!
Sixty bucks a head! You
won't be disappointed.
Hey, Marilyn,
I need you to transcribe
some dictation, if you would.
Later. I'm busy right now.
Oh, really? Well, what
is it you're busy with?
Ajournal. It's for my writing class.
- Oh, yeah? You're taking a writing class?
- Sleetmute extension.
I carpool with Mrs. Anku.
I kept a diary when I first came out here.
It was sort oflike a
- a mental lifesaver.
It was my way of maintaining sanity while
facing four hard years I-in nowhere, Alaska.
Hmm.
So, what is it that, uh,
that you're writing about?
Impressions.
Huh.
Mind if I... have a little peek?
It's personal. You're right. I'm sorry.
Well, that's good. I, uh, I admire that.
It's a journal after all.
It's supposed to be private.
Your own personal and private thoughts.
I'll be in my office.
Hey, Fleischman. Hey. How are you doin'?
Okay. That was some trembler, huh?
Must have been a 4.5, don't you think?
What? The earthquake.
What are you talking
about? What earthquake?
You didn't feel it? God.
What can I get you, Maggie? Oh,
just a cup of coffee. Thanks.
Hey, Shel, did you feel
an earthquake? Uh-uh.
Well, let me tell you. My house was
pitching and rolling. It was like a boat.
- Hey! Did you feel it, Eugene?
- Nope.
I guess an earthquake can
radiate energy in strange ways.
I've heard stories where one house
can be completely untouched...
and another across the street can be
flattened, so maybe it's something like that.
Yeah, well I can't believe
you guys didn't feel this one.
There's a fault line that runs right
underneath Ivory Springer's barn.
That's why his cows look so scared.
Yeah, well some animals do
get premonitions about quakes.
Well, I can't believe I was
the only one that felt it.
I read a-a story about
a horse in Los Angeles...
that-that suddenly went berserk
two hours before a quake.
I mean, it just kicked its way out of the stall a
- and made for the hills.
I mean, tectonic plates
can announce themselves...
I
- in ways that humans can't possibly perceive, I guess.
Like-Like high-frequency
sound waves or something.
Right.
You all right?
Yeah, uh-huh.
Foie gras. Two pounds.
They sell them in 11 ounce
tins, Holling. Uh-huh.
$47 a tin. Oh.
Better make it three tins.
That's everything.
Total? Fire away.
$2,692. What? Let me see
that. That can't be right.
How much are we paying
for these mushrooms?
$12 a pound. Mon dieu.
Cheese corn, anyone? Oh, thanks.
Whoa. What's with the sick puppy routine?
We have a few problems
with the menu, Shel.
I don't know why you took this gig,
anyway. Couldn't we just be guests?
It was an opportunity, Shelly.
Ifigured at 60 bucks a head,
we could make a decent profit...
pick up that sump pump I've had my eye on.
No more mucking around in hip
boots come the spring thaw.
But with these prices,
we'll be lucky to break even.
Bummer.
Well, let's try it again.
Okay.
Prosciutto, eight pounds.
Where should we put your Uncle Phil?
Table four? With the Pedersons?
Mmm. That's not a great
mix. What do you mean?
Well, you said so yourself.
The man's a black hole.
He sits there sucking the
energy out of the room.
Hey, what's this? Nancy. What about her?
Now we decided we
weren't gonna invite her.
We had an agreement,
Ron. I don't think so.
Yes, we did. It was less than two weeks
ago. We were repainting the Flaubert Suite.
I said I had a problem with her.
Take her off the list? You said okay.
Why would I do that? She's my cousin.
You can't not invite her. She's family.
She's always dishing me. She calls
me, le petit prince, all right?
I don't believe this. Well,
obviously, I misunderstood. I'm sorry.
You're always doin' this.
"I didn't hear you. " "I misunderstood. "
But one way or another,
you always get your way.
It's just like that business with Holling.
You threw away six weeks of
planning without consulting me.
You could have said something.
He was standing right there.
I think it's nice you're staying local.
Well, you haven't eaten his food, Mom.
Holling said he could duplicate the menu.
Besides, he's our friend. Like
DelVecchio's Cleaners. Remember?
Not nearly as good as Burton's downtown.
Half the time I had to re-iron your dad's shirts
myself, but Sal was part of the neighborhood.
I'm never right, am I, Mom?
What? You always take his side.
Eric, she's just trying to make a point.
Well, I think it's remarkable that her
points always happen to coincide with yours.
Hey, I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat.
Boy, you still scribbling
away, huh? Mm-hmm.
Hey, you know what I found in
my jacket pocket this morning?
Thread? No, you know what this is?
Remember that emergency call from
Yakutat last winter? Tubal pregnancy.
Yeah, I had to do a laparotomy by
flashlight, and I ran out of sutures?
This is the thread I-I borrowed
from that woman's sewing kit.
Remember? I-I soaked it in alcohol,
and that's what I used to close?
Guess I told you, huh? Mm-hmm.
Well, look, if you ever
get fuzzy on any details,
I'd be more than happy
to go over it again.
It's just, you know, it occurs to me
that in all the conversations we've had,
we haven't spent much time on the-the
broader view of health care delivery.
Mmm.
I just
- I thought it was something we could chat about sometime if you want.
Or not.
Well, it's not exactly the wedding
that I had envisioned for Eric,
but, uh, Ron is a nice
man, don't you think?
Um, you say there's a fish course?
Mmm, grilled salmon. Uh-huh.
You'll want a white then. Uh-
Might I suggest with your budget,
a nice California chardonnay.
This, uh, Clos du Bois,
that's, uh, surprisingly good,
and it's only about 10 bucks a pop.
Hmm. If you, uh, call that
number I gave you in Anchorage,
uh, uh, they'll give you a break
on top of the case discount.
C- C-Could I
write this down?
Oh, no, keep the bottle,
please. Oh, thank you, Maurice.
Here, let me show you that
champagne that I told you about.
Um, Maurice?
Uh, could I ask you
another favor? Of course.
Would you mind terribly if I sat
you next to me at the reception?
It would make me feel so-
Well, I would be honored.
Unless of course, you're
escorting someone else.
Oh, no, no, no, Pat. I'm flattered.
Um, I'm afraid I won't
be attending the wedding.
What? Uh, no, you see, uh,
I'm, uh, opening a Chuck E. Cheese
franchise in Cordova on Saturday.
Uh, they expect me there
to... hand out balloons.
Oh, well, um, couldn't
you change the date?
No, no, the, uh, newspapers
have already announced it,
and, uh, the vendors are all lined up.
Oh, gee. You know, Eric is
gonna be so disappointed.
He would never, ever mention
it in a million years,
but I think that you
kind of remind him ofJack.
Jack? His father.
My husband. H
- He was a military man also.
82nd Airborne.
Uh, yeah, I think, uh,
Eric mentioned that.
Yeah, he died three years ago.
I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you.
This, uh, Veuve Clicquot is my favorite,
but, uh, you still get a bang for
your buck with the domestic Mumm's.
You know, Maurice, I know the reception
is going to go on kind of late,
so why don't you join us for dessert?
No, I'll be, uh, busy all weekend.
Oh.
Note the dryness.
Got some doilies for the serving trays,
some of those fancy little soft napkins.
They gave me a deal on the, uh,
frilly tipped toothpicks too.
Twenty-five percent off on a gross.
At least something went right.
Why? What's that you got there, Eugene?
Don't tell me road freight's already in?
It's in, Holling. But they
sure screwed up big-time.
Why? Didn't they, uh
- Look. Six pounds of frozen chicken livers.
What do they do with that?
Where's our foie gras?
And what's this doing in here?
Dubuque honey ham? I
ordered the ham, Eugene.
Oh. Okay.
But they still forgot our
prosciutto though. No, no, no.
This is instead of the prosciutto.
Honey baked ham. Right.
Don't we need prosciutto
to wrap around the melons?
And that's another thing.
They didn't ship us any casabas
either. Just these canned apricots.
Well, uh, that's the thing, Eugene.
What? Apricots.
You see, those casaba
melons this time of year,
you've got to send all the way to
the California gulf to get them.
They cut them early, ship them green.
They taste pulpy. So?
Well, we take our honey baked, we slice
it extra thin, just like the prosciutto,
quarter our apricots, and
we wrap them up in our ham.
Voilà!
Same color. Same idea.
Salty meat, sweet fruit.
I don't know, Holling. And
these, uh, these chicken livers?
Oh! They make a much better paté spread.
I've been reading up on foie gras.
And I've got to tell you. It's just
like pouring lard right into your veins.
What? Cholesterol, Eugene.
Pure fat. When you think about it,
we're doing those folks a real favor.
Ron and Eric gave us a menu, Holling.
And they're gonna get a
good feed. Take my word.
Now, you, uh, set to work. You
get those, uh, apricots drained.
And be sure you save the syrup.
We're going to use that
for the tropical punch.
Now, where'd I put that grenadine?
Where's the show going
to be happening exactly?
Ceremony? It's going to be
right over here under the arbor.
Right between these
trellises here. Right, Eric?
Of course, there's going to be a
canopy and, uh, floral arrangements.
Oh, and the boys have decided on
Casablancas and Scottish grass. Cool.
Hey, Chris, listen, uh, instead of the Mozart
after the Vivaldi, let's go with Dvorak.
New World, uh, about a
minute 45 into the largo.
Done. Dvorak for the processional?
That's a funeral, Ron. We discussed this.
Well, we said we'd see. Listen.
Believe me, Eric. It's gonna work fine.
With the timpani's? I
told you I hated that.
Oh, honey, you love Dvorak.
You've always loved Dvorak.
See? What did I tell you?
I don't believe you two.
What? You just did it
again, Mom, just now.
Can't you hear yourself?
Anything he says- I- I'm your son.
Of course you are. Okay, okay, fine, Eric.
We'll go with the Handel, then.
All right? Let's just forget it.
Yeah, n-no problem.
Don't patronize me, Ron.
Handel, water music, the big cliché?
W
- Wasn't that done to death last week when I suggested it?
Eric, I'm just
- I'm just trying to arrange the wedding.
And I'm not?
That's right. I forgot. I'm
the bad guy here. I'm the heavy.
Excuse me. Honey, honey, R
- Ron didn't mean that.
It's just that
- that you seem to be finding a problem with everything.
Here he goes with his " poor me" routine.
This'll eat up an hour. I'm warning you.
Get your finger out of my face.
Guys, uh, come on. Guys,
guys, guys. Come on.
No, I know I ordered a large.
Look? What? The point is it
doesn't fit me! This is ridiculous!
Look, I'm-I'm sorry. Just- I want my money
back. I want you idiots out of my life!
Forget it! Are you out of your mind?
Why should I pay the postage? That's the
most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
All right, fine. Why don't you
just give me your supervisor?
Yes, your supervisor.
Okay, w-well, what's your name?
Cathy, with a " C"? How about a last name?
Okay, well, I'd dust off my
résumé, if I were you, Cathy.
Have a nice day.
Hey. Oh, you're not writing
that down? Come on. Marilyn.
That's totally unfair. You can't take an
incident like that out of its broader context.
A
- And even if you think I was a little abrupt on the phone,
the fact remains, why should I
pay for something that I didn't do?
and I'm already out ten bucks
from postage as-is. Mm-hmm.
Hey, Fleischman. Got your gloves.
Unsterilized.
- Hey, how about lunch?
- Lunch?
Yeah, you know, the meal
between breakfast and dinner?
I'm sorry. I can't. I've gotta get
these perishables over to Holling.
Then I promised Walt I'd give
him a hand with his truck.
Sounds like a timing belt problem,
but, you know, you never know.
What time should I pick you up tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
- Yeah, for the wedding.
Oh, the wedding, right.
6:00 good? Uh, 6:00.
Oh, gee, Fleischman, you know, I can't. I-I
promised Ron I'd help him set up all those chairs.
I know. I'm always overcommitting.
I'll have to meet you there, all right?
See you, Fleischman.
Hey!
Well, I mean, there's
no, uh, external otitis.
Both membranes appear normal.
There's nothing to suggest an
external or-or a middle ear pathology.
My ear's fine, Fleischman. I'm fine.
Everything's fine. Really. Can I go?
No, just follow my finger for one second.
Fleischman
- Please, humor me.
That's good. Yeah. Of course it's good.
Look. There's nothing wrong with
me. I've told you that already.
I told you that a hundred times! What? You
just took a dive in the street for no reason?
I just had a lot of coffee. Coffee?
No, really. I had a lot of coffee
- way too much coffee.
It was stupid. I should have known better.
It used to happen to me all
the time. Midterms. Poli-sci.
Cold sweats, the room
would do somersaults.
Student health wanted to pump my stomach.
Listen to me. Wh-What that's
called is ataxia, okay?
And-And it actually may
not be an isolated incident.
I felt a little dizzy, Fleischman.
You know? I fell down. So what?
No. Remember when we were
flying back from Anchorage,
and you felt that turbulence?
And I didn't. And then the earthquake.
Right? You felt an earthquake?
I'm sensitive to earthquakes,
little ones, even tiny ones.
All right, just tell me. Is there any kind of,
um, any kind of stress or pressure in your life?
I mean, it could be anything
from emotional or work or-
No. No.
I mean, th-there could be- There
could be a lot of root causes here.
It could be, uh- It could be
B12 deficiency or-or anemia,
frontal lobe disorder.
Frontal lobe?
The brain? A brain tumor?
Look. No, Fleischman. It's
none of that. I can assure you.
I
- I don't have a brain tumor.
I didn't say it was a brain tumor.
Thanks, all right? I'll see you later.
Boy, Eugene, we are really clicking
along on these canapés, aren't we?
We keep this up, we're gonna be slicing those
tenderized skirt steaks before nightfall.
- Right.
- You know, Eugene, once the boys' check clears...
I'm gonna put in a call
about that sump pump and...
if we have any luck, we'll
have it in before spring thaw.
No more hauling buckets of water up
and down from the basement for you.
I'll bet you like that, huh?
Mmm.
H- Have you tried one of these cream
cheese and sweet pickle roll-ups yet?
I tell you. It is delicious.
That French chèvre. Who do
they think they're kidding?
It's just goat cheese.
If you want my opinion, it leaves
a feral taste on your tongue.
How are you coming on
those crab puffs, anyway?
Pollock. Excuse me?
I said pollock.
There's no crab in here, just pollock.
Oh, now, blindfolded, you
can't tell the difference.
I hear theJapanese prefer them.
I can't do this. Oh, sure you can.
I mean, the secret is, just
don't let it get you frustrated.
A man like you, big hands, it's hard to
get those things crimped closed. I know.
You just, uh, have to...
practice a little bit. That's all.
It's not the puffs, Holling.
I can't help you cheat these people
out of the food that they ordered.
Cheat? Who said anything about cheating?
Folks come in here and order a hamburger
basket, that's what I give them.
A toasted sesame-seed bun, half pound
ground round, a slice of cheese and fries.
Oh, yeah. You sure load your friends
up with plenty of my fries, don't you?
I can't do this.
I'm not going to either.
I quit. Quit?
You can't quit! Eugene!
We've got 250 buffalo wings to braise!
And just who do you think's
going to dice those fruit cups?
Sorry, Holling. Eugene!
Sorry.
Hi, Ron! Hey, Maggie!
I've got your tickets to Kauai! Thanks.
Yeah, that reminds me. I gotta
getJoel to get me some Valium.
Oh. Eric's kind of a jumpy flier.
Of course, I may be going by myself now.
You okay, Maggie?
Hey, come here. Sit down. Oh, yeah.
No, I'm fi-fine. I'm much better.
What is it? Oh, I don't know. I
just had this little stomach upset.
Then you mentioned Fleischman. I'm sorry?
My stomach and... Fleischman.
Oh! Maybe that's it!
Oh, oh, no. That's horrible.
I can't even
- I can't even think about that.
Okay.
I don't want to burden you.
You have your wedding and all.
You really want to hear about it?
Okay, look. You know how Fleischman
and I used to always pick on each other?
Well, he's changed.
He's gotten kind, you
know, and considerate.
So that... now when I'm around
him, or I even think about him,
I start to feel like I'm
gonna vomit, you know?
Vomit, huh? Yeah, I understand that.
You do? A similar thing
with my ex-wife, Suzanna.
Right after we got married, I started
getting these terrible migraines.
Doctors couldn't find a thing.
Finally, after I had a long talk with
myself, I discovered what the problem was.
It was Suzanna.
Well, actually, that's not fair.
It was me
- my lack of desire for the opposite sex.
Huh.
Once I admitted that, headaches went away.
What did you do? I got a divorce.
What else could I do?
She remarried eventually.
Orthodontist, two kids,
split-level in Port Washington.
We've remained pretty good friends though.
So, what you're saying is that Fleischman
and I aren't meant to be together?
Well, I don't know, but, it sounds to me
like your body's trying to tell you somethin'.
Oh, God.
Two seasons in Alaska.
Mud and less mud.
Hey, the new Forbes is here.
You can have it first.
I'll take the Vanity Fair.
Marilyn?
Marilyn!
Hi, there you are.
Just grabbing some lunch, huh?
I was, uh, leaving the
new Forbes Magazine, see?
There is
- It looks like an interesting article on forestry stocks.
Boise Cascade, Champion International.
Sounds like a good
hedge against inflation.
Well- Look, hey, you know, fine.
I'm sorry. Wh-What do you expect?
You left it there. It's
right out in the open.
It's called entrapment, you know?
I mean, consciously o
- or subconsciously.
It's a diary. You're supposed to
lock it up and put it in a drawer,
That's the whole idea. You don't
leave it around for somebody to read,
unless of course you want them to read it.
You know, by the way, this is
a doctor's office, you know?
I mean, th-there's
medicine and equipment.
You don't just-just walk off
and- and leave it unattended.
In the future, I'd appreciate it if you were just
a little more conscientious with your lunch breaks.
Hey! Save my hinges!
Come on in! It's open!
Eric, what happened to you?
I need a favor, Maurice
- $500.
Well, why? I'm good for it.
Well, I know you're good for it.
If I drive straight through, I'll be in
Seattle by Tuesday, wire you the money.
I got some friends in Port Townsend.
Which is where I wanted to go in the first place,
before he talked me into trying to gentrify this outback.
Here you go, 500. Thanks.
You want to... fill me
in? Are you leaving town?
He's insidious, Maurice.
You don't know. Nobody knows.
He's always above it. Mr. Collected.
What you don't understand is that he's the one
that starts it. Worse than that, he enjoys it.
Needs it, even. Here.
I am so lucky... that I saw it in time.
'Cause I almost made the
biggest mistake of my life.
Thanks. Calling off the wedding?
He can have the B and B.
He can have the Ralph Lauren polo shirts.
He thinks he's gonna hold me hostage for
a set of calphalon cookware, he's crazy.
What do you know?
Whole thing's called off.
Well, I always thought
it was pretty flaky,
but, uh, you two seemed as happy as
a couple of cuckoo birds up there.
Whole thing's just such a mess.
Thanks again.
- Hey, wait a minute.
- What?
Have you thought this thing over?
I mean, really thought it over.
This shindig takes place tomorrow, right?
You've got people coming
in from out of town.
You got presents piling up. You got
all that food over there. So what?
So what about your mother, for starters!
She is so proud of you.
She's so excited. She was over here...
talking about the wine list, frettin'
over the seating arrangements.
She wants this thing to go off without
a hitch. She wants it to be perfect.
Isn't it bad enough that you broke
her heart once with your proclivities?
Now you're doing it again, and
it's a damn shame if you ask me.
Man, Maurice.
Look, son.
I don't have any experience
in this sort of thing,
but I do know that all couples
have their ups and downs.
Eight years ought to count for something.
Here I am trying to talk
you into this fairy chase.
Now, son, you're a mess.
You're in no shape to be
making life decisions tonight.
Why don't you sleep here on the
couch and see how you feel tomorrow?
There's bedding in the hall closet.
Help yourself.
Good night.
H? The bed's gettin' cold.
You ever gonna knock
off and get some " z's"?
Just finishing up the last batch of
canapés, Shelly. I'll be up in a minute.
What's that smell? What?
Oh, that must be the, uh, paté spread.
You're whipping up paté? Like that yummy
spread Maurice had at his Easter get-down?
Mm-hmm. Using my own recipe, though.
Instead of goose livers, I'm using,
uh, the liver of his cousin the chicken.
That stuff I ate on
toast points was liver?
Here, Shelly. Try this.
Tell me what you think.
Okay.
What?
What's the matter?
Well, it's liver.
You know me and liver, Holling.
You don't like it.
Oh, no. It's real good.
Delicious, in fact.
Especially if you like liver.
I mean, if you like liver, you'd
probably really like that liver.
Maybe some Worcester on- Oh or
a- a shake of this celery salt.
Don't worry, babe. The way
you've been slavin' away,
your table's going to
be totally out of sight.
People are gonna remember
this feed forever.
I'll bet you that. Yeah.
It's pretty cool when you think about it.
Getting yourself signed on to be such
a " humongo" part of someone's best day.
'Cause that's what it is
- biggest day of your whole life.
Numero uno page in the
brain's whole scrapbook.
Remember the day we put on the
handcuffs? Of course I remember.
It was all springy out. People
threw rice at us real hard.
And remember those two little
tweety birds in the maple tree?
Chestnut-backed chickadees.
They were busy building their own
little love grotto with sticks and stuff.
And you said, look, hon,
see up there? That's us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Holling? What are you doing?
You're 86'ing your liver spread?
It wasn't that bad, honest.
Into the garbage where it belongs.
And that is that. But, Holling-
Shelly, I have got a whole
night's work ahead of me.
I want you to get on the phone,
call the Chalet Gourmet in Anchorage.
Check on their stock of, uh,
of melons and goose liver...
and have them, uh
- have them emergency flown in.
I'm gonna have to bake up some pastry
shells for the goat cheese hors d'oeuvres.
And, uh, oh-
You know, I am never going to get
all this done before tomorrow evening.
There's only one thing to
do. Call Marty Peterson.
The catering guy in Cantwell?
Absolutely.
Oh, would you excuse
me for a minute? Uh-huh.
Maurice! You came after all.
Pat, don't you look lovely.
The Chuck E. Cheese thing
didn't take as long as I thought,
and I charted a Learjet
for the round trip.
Oh, I'm so glad, and Eric will be too.
He'll be so happy to have you here.
Maurice, you seen O'Connell by any
chance? Ah, no, I haven't, Joel.
Yeah, excuse me.
Hey, I've got to talk to
you. Oh, hi, Fleischman.
I think you caught me
at a bad time all right?
What are you talking
about? Ooh, you know what?
I left their gift in the truck.
Places, people. It's that time!
I think it's starting.
You'd better sit down.
I'll see you, huh? I
- I'll see you.
All right, everybody. Grab a chair.
Eric.
Okay, Cicely, friends,
we're here today to tie the knot
between Ron Bantz and Eric Hillman.
Marriage, why do we do it?
Everybody knows the stats.
One in two marriages end up in
broken dishes and a trip to Tijuana.
Is it loneliness? Partly.
Is it teamwork? Definitely.
Things just go easier
when there's two of you.
One of you can wait in line at the movie
theater while the other guy parks the car.
Get better seats that way. Better
room rate when it's a double.
Ron, Eric, you ready to file jointly?
Ron, will you have Eric to be your spouse?
To love him, comfort him
in sickness and in health?
Stick it out until the fat lady sings?
I will.
Eric, how about you? I will.
Excellent. Let's go for the gold.
Above you is the sun and sky.
Below you the ground.
Like the sun, your
love should be constant.
Like the ground, solid.
You both cool with that?
We are.
In that case, I now
pronounce you... married.
Oh, Fleischman, I
- I've got to go to the john.
Let's party, people!
Hey, Mom.
Mom.
Hey, are you in there?
I just
- I just really would like to talk to you for one sec.
Okay.
Mmm, hey. Hey, you okay?
Yeah, everything's perfect, really.
It's a beautiful ceremony, isn't it? Yeah.
It's good music.
I tried calling you this
morning, and I would have-
Look, Fleischman. I do feel sick.
You know? I can barely stand up straight,
and I feel like I'm
gonna throw up any minute,
and-and do you know why? Yeah,
that's why I'm here. I do know why.
I'm sorry, Fleischman.
What? Here you are being
sweet and affectionate,
everything I've always wanted,
and God, it's making me sick.
Fleischman, this
- this won't work, you know?
We've got to go back
to the way things were,
hostile and... bitter and petty, you know?
Th-The reason you're feeling
sick is you are sick. What?
Look. Here's what-This is
what I've been trying to say.
I- I-I got on the Internet and I ran a search
of the medical database atJohns Hopkins.
I think you have what's
called labyrinthitis.
Labyrinth and what? Labyrinthitis.
It's basically an inner ear condition,
although it's-it's somewhat of a- a mystery.
It manifests itself like, uh, a viral
infection, but no one really knows what it is.
The symptoms, however, though, are exactly what
you've been claiming you've been experiencing.
The-The disorientation,
the lack of balance, the nausea-
All of this. And-And what's more, from the
evidence I see, it's a fairly mild version of it.
It is? Yeah.
The thing is, the-there's no-
There's bad news and good news.
The bad news is, there's
no known treatment.
The good news is, it's-it's-it really
should run its course within a week.
So, I'm really sick!
Yeah, you're absolutely sick.
That's great. That's good.
Could you do me a favor and
just grab two pieces of cake?
I'll meet you right over there. Okay.
Hi. Um-
All right. Look. We've got to talk here.
First off, please don't
take this personally, okay?
I mean, 'cause it's
not about me. This is-
This is about the sanctity of the
doctor patient relationship, okay?
Confidentiality.
And-And I just feel that I'm-
I'm going to have to insist on-
on reading any passages
that, uh, pertain to me.
I just
- I feel I have to.
"I work in the office
of Dr. Joel Fleischman.
I don't have to type much. "
"Dr. Fleischman just came in, and he said,
'Marilyn, could you make a fresh pot of coffee?"'
- That's it.
- That's it?
Marilyn, you're telling me in this
entire journal, all of these words,
that that
- that's it?
Uh-huh.
All right, well-
All right.
Never mind.
Total knockout, babe. People are scarfing
these quail dealies like beer nuts.
Hey, Holling, wait! Another blini.
Goodness. They popped for sevruga.
They sure did. Wow.
Hey. I'm back.
Voilà! Ah, thank you.
Share, are we? Mm-hmm.
Well
- Cheers.
Hey.
Oh, Fleischman, it's happening again.
Oh, man. This is an earthquake. It is?
Yeah. Really? A real earthquake?
Shouldn't we get under
a table or something?
Oh, an earthquake! What a relief!