Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 5, Episode 14 - A Bolt from the Blue - full transcript
Joel has to talk a park ranger out of a fire tower. Maurice plans a fireworks show, but has objections from Adam. Ed gets struck by lightning.
Ranger Burns is takin'
the layoff real hard.
I mean, I only treated him for a migraine.
I don't see why he'd want me to talk him down.
Why is he getting the ax?
Well, fact is, we don't need
that many fire lookouts anymore.
Not with all the tourists we get
up here with those cellular phones.
They can call in a flash point hours before
one of our boys is likely to see it.
Hey, you don't think he's, uh
- he's really violent, by any chance, do you? Who, Burns?
Yeah.
No.
He's a little eccentric.
Any change, gentlemen?
Sergeant Petievich,
why don't you give it one more shot?
State police.
Hostage negotiator.
Stan, this is Ben Petievich.
I'm gonna ask you one more time, Stan.
You comin' down?
No!
I'm disappointed, Stan.
That's it?
That's your negotiation?
Stan, I've got Dr. Fleischman here,
like you asked for.
- Send him up!
- He's on his way.
Good luck.
Let- Let me just make sure of something.
This is the best idea, right?
I mean, you know, this guy's
not gonna- I don't know-
take me as a hostage or anything, is he?
Stan, we trust each other,
don't we?
Yes.
Dr. Fleischman comes and goes as he pleases,
right? You're not gonna use him as a human shield?
- I got your word on that?
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
All right, Stan, what's the problem?
I don't think it's fair, what they're
doing to me. Do you, Dr. Fleischman?
Well, you know,
I always think that- that fair's
kind of a- a relative term, you know?
I've walked this platform every quarter hour
of every business day for the last 16 years.
I think I've been a good soldier.
How many fires have you actually
spotted from up here?
Well, three.
Uh, not counting the vehicle fire in '86
which was self-contained.
Well, come on, Stan.
I mean, you-
you work out the math,
it's not hard to see how-
how someone could-
could make an argument that your time
might be spent better elsewhere.
I mean, Superintendent Walsh tells me
he's got a great new job for you.
Did he tell you what it is?
No.
Tour guide at the Alexander Hamilton House.
You're kidding. You-You mean the one-
the Hamilton Grange in Manhattan?
I devote my life to protecting
national parkland,
and they want me to usher school kids
through the Hamilton Grange?
Well, not that Hamilton wasn't
a seminal character in American history.
George Washington's aide-de-camp
during the Revolutionary War,
major author of the Federalist Papers,
first secretary of the treasury
of the United States,
president of the American
Philosophical Society.
Wow, listen to you.
You're, uh, quite the historian, huh?
Well, I read a lot.
Hey, Stan, I think that this-
I mean, this- this could possibly
be a- a mixed blessing, you know?
This-This is-This could be
the perfect match for you.
Don't you see?
Dr. Fleischman, I came here the day after
Jimmy Carter took office.
This is all I know.
I don't know what to tell you, Stan.
I guess, uh-
I guess the fire towers are-
are goin' the way of the dodo bird, huh?
Attention, K-Bear shoppers.
Don't pass up the special Presidents'Day sale
now goin'on at Leo's Auto Parts.
Man, what would old George
think of this hoopla?
Poor guy doesn't even get a chance
to celebrate his birthday alone anymore.
He has to blow
out the candles with Abe.
Ahh.
Why is that, huh?
So we can get a long weekend
and go to the shopping mall and buy things?
George Washington had a dream
for this country.
Was it three days
of uninterrupted shopping?
Anyway, Ed Chigliak and meself are gonna
celebrate the holidays in our own special way.
We're goin' up to the, uh, Frying Pan River
for a little pre-dawn fishing.
Hey, I got a community reminder here.
"Maurice's First Annual
Presidents' Day Fireworks Gala...
"takes place on the east lawn,
Sunday evening at 9:00 P. M. sharp.
Recreational vehicles
use the service road, please. "
Mm-hmm. I figure we'll put
the podium right over here.
People can park their fannies
all along this area.
That might not be enough room
for the setups.
I'm thinkin' fire lanes, fuses.
Mind if we cut down
some of these trees?
It might not be necessary, but just
in case, you know? You're the maestro.
My last words are gonna be
"Rockets' red glare. "
When I say that, I want one of those screamin'
meemies to come up right behind my head.
Can you do that?
Oh, yeah.
A number four red burst
chrysanthemum, Pop?
With annunciator and silver tiger's tail.
What else?
When you did Liz Taylor's wedding, didn't you
have some of those, uh, red spidery things?
Palm tree star mines with varied
core and green flash. Got it.
Carmine, let's talk mortar
emplacements, huh?
So if we give you the two years,
do we have a deal?
Yeah.
Okay, I got it. Great.
Thanks. I will. All right.
Okay, Stan,
we got everything, all right?
You go down tonight, you report
to the Hamilton Grange first of the month,
government agrees
that they will not press charges,
and they will not mark this incident
on your record, okay?
You know, any one of those strikes
could trigger a major conflagration.
Stan, also they say after no more
than two years' time in New York,
they promise to reassign you
to the Painted Desert,
or, at- at- at the least,
Yellowstone Glacier.
You know, lightning restores electrical
equilibrium to the earth. Did you know that?
Stan, why don't we talk
about the lightning later?
I don't want to leave here.
Stan, I just spent seven hours
on the phone...
getting you everything
I possibly could, okay?
It's a- It's a maximum of-
of two years, the Painted Desert.
I mean, I don't understand.
What-What is the-What is the problem?
I don't want to go down there.
Why not?
People don't like me.
What do you mean,
people don't like you?
People just don't like me.
I'm, uh-
I'm not good at making friends.
Look, I like you.
I'm your friend.
You'vejust been stuck in this tower
too long.
You come down, you get back in the swing,
I guarantee, in- in a week,
we're gonna be laughing about this
over beers at the Brick.
What's the Brick?
It's this bar in town.
They have an excellent jukebox,
and they have-
they have pool, and darts.
And-And, really, I mean,
I- I think you'd like it.
Okay? As your friend,
I'm urging you to take it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Who's there?
I, uh, took the liberty of, uh,
opening your '61 Lafite, Minnifield.
Adam.
It's only good for a few more months,
you know.
How'd you get past my security system?
Oh, you mean the, uh,
tin cans and the string?
This is state-of-the-art.
Motion sensitive, infrared.
Save yourself the trouble
and order a flock of geese next time.
Just for the sake of argument,
what's to keep me from taking you by the scruff
of the neck and throwin' you out the door?
Only a, uh, fifth-degree
black belt in Shotokan karate.
Or would you care
for a demonstration?
Your arm would be broken in three places
before you hit the ground.
We have a bone to pick,
Minnifield.
Pick away, Adam.
You know that, uh, fireworks company
you hired- the D'Angelos?
What about 'em?
Do you know who they are?
Only the best pyrotechs
in the business.
It's a cover.
What?
Mosquito Coast, January '86.
A small team of Contra rebels
waits for an arms shipment...
before delivering a series
of panther-like blows to the Sandinistas.
Only the brave band is betrayed...
and has to fight their way back
to the Honduran border.
Here we go.
A group of Contra rebels, huh?
Are they any relation to the Cuban nationals
you led at the second Bay of Pigs?
It didn't take long
to find the quisling.
A mob-connected arms dealer
known in company circles as Dexter R. Ward,
a. k. a. Carlo " The Weasel" Fusco,
a. k. a. Salvatore D'Angelo.
Salvatore D'Angelo was given a personal
commendation by the White House...
for his part in the inauguration.
Hey, I tried to get the goods to Casey,
but the old man's tumor exploded
before I could reach him.
Next thing I know, everyone at D. O. D. has a sudden
case of amnesia. I'm left twistin' in the wind.
Now, you look, Adam-
Ever since then,
I've dreaded the day that old man D'Angelo
or some mechanic from Covert Action...
will come and hunt me
down like a dog.
But little did I suspect
that someone that I knew...
would be the source of my betrayal.
You stay away from those people,
Adam.
You can think anything you want to
in the sanctity of your own loony bin,
but if you raise one hand
against those people-
Get rid of'em, Minnifield,
or I will.
Well, what do you think, man?
You want to bag it?
Right.
You all right, man?
You seem a little quiet.
Oh, yeah.
I was talkin' to Dr. Fleischman
about Maurice's party.
He told me George Washington
never cut down that cherry tree.
Well, he's right.
Total fiction.
Another icon shattered.
Yeah, this preacher man from Maryland,
right- Mason Weems-
wrote this biography about Washington
back in 1800's,
and it wasn't exactly
flyin' off the shelves,
so he made it up, you know?
The rest is history, sort of.
Like Pretty Woman.
What?
Well, see, the original script for that movie
was supposed to be this dark look,
the seamy side of prostitution.
Right.
Only then they go
and castJulia Roberts,
and they let her go shopping,
take a bubble bath,
and they made a cool 150 million.
Yeah, I see the connection.
I guess we haveJeffrey Katzen-
Ed! Ed!
Ed, man!
Ed, you okay?
What happened?
You-You got hit by lightning, man.
Oh.
Are you all right?
I think so.
See if you can get up, man.
Look.
Your shoes, man.
Oh, Ed.
Oh, man.
Forest Service may not be pressing
any charges, but I'll be watching you, Burns.
Disturbing the peace is a serious offense.
Keep your nose clean, we won't have a problem.
Step out of line, you answer
to me. Clear? Yes, ma'am.
Good luck. Doctor. Uh-huh.
- How about breakfast?
- Uh, breakfast?
At that Brick place?
Yeah... breakfast. You see, the- the only thing is,
I- I really should catch up on some of this work.
- Oh. - Um, well, what about lunch
though? How- How does that sound?
All right. All right, why don't I have Marilyn
check the book, and she can pencil somethin'in.
- Hey, Joel, you have to take a look at Ed.
- Hey, what happened?
He got hit by lightning.
Lightning? Excuse me.
Well,
your heartbeat is regular
and your pupils are normal.
I feel kind of achy.
Yeah, well, you got zapped by thirty million
volts. I expect you'll be sore for a few days.
Hey, man, it was like he got shot
with a shotgun blast, you know.
10 feet back, man.
Let's see if your eardrums are intact.
Is there any ringing?
No.
Well, looks clear to me.
There's no feathering burns
or lacerations.
But, boy, this is interesting.
Is it bad?
Well, your manicurist may not like it.
You feel this?
Uh-huh.
It's what they call the flashover effect.
See, when lightning flashes over the body,
it'll, uh, vaporize sweat
and blow away clothing,
and- and in your case, apparently, uh,
caramelized your fingers and your toenails.
I guess I'd like you to
take it easy for a few days,
but, basically, I think you're fine.
All right, man!
You can put your shirt on.
I'm sorry to barge in
- Yeah, it's all right, Maurice. He's okay.
Who?
Ed.
- What happened to Ed?
- Got whacked by lightning.
Oh. Uh, listen, Fleischman,
I need to talk to you in private, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I'll see you before you leave.
What's the problem?
It's Adam. He's back.
So? So, he's threatened
to kill my fireworks crew.
What?
Why?
Well, who knows why? Some paranoid
ravings about the Iran-Contra.
The point is,
the man is off his tether.
He's a walking time bomb
ready to explode.
Yeah, well, I mean,
the guy's always been borderline delusional.
Look, Joel, I know the signs.
I saw 'em in Korea.
Now, I want that guy
off the streets.
Well, look, I'm afraid
it's not that simple, you know?
I mean, there are legal provisions.
Yeah, I've checked that out.
If you certify that Adam is a danger
to himself or to other people,
the police can hold him for 72 hours.
We can whisk him off to Anchorage, put him in
the psychiatric institute for a full evaluation.
That's a little extreme,
don't you think?
I mean, I- I know he's a walking pathology,
but, I mean, the guy's never hurt anybody.
Not that I know of.
I mean, threats of imminent danger
are just his way of saying good morning.
Now, you listen to me, Joel.
This is not New York City.
It's not Santa Monica.
This is Cicely.
This is a special place.
It's a place where we want
to maintain the quality of life.
We do not want refugees
from the psycho ward...
pushing shopping carts
up and down the street.
You comprende?
I comprende.
Good.
Ed, what are you doing?
Hi, Ruth-Anne.
Well, I was just thinking about
that lightning thing, you know,
and how if it'd been in a movie or on TV,
well, it'd probably lead
to extraordinary powers, you know.
Like the Incredible Hulk or
the Amazing Colossal Man.
Yes.
Well, so,
I thought I might be experiencing
a little ion reversal...
or temporary magnetism maybe.
I guess not.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, Ruth-Anne.
It's just the old, you know,
"why me?" thing.
I mean, Chris was standing there
right beside me.
Why'd the lightning hit me
and not him?
Just one of those things,
I guess.
Yeah, but Ruth-Anne, statistically,
that's a 10 million to one shot.
I'd say you're lucky to be alive.
Yeah.
Just seems like there'd be
more to it than that.
It's open, Fleischman.
Now, how could you possibly know
it was me out there?
Minnifield send you?
Maurice?
- Why do you ask that?
- Because he's an idiot.
Been a while, huh?
How's, uh, Eve and, um-
What's your son's name, again?
Aldridge.
Aldridge. That's right.
I don't know where
my head is today.
All morning, I've been running around thinking
it's- it's Tuesday, and- and, in fact, it's Monday.
Isn't it? It is Monday.
What's the date today?
I- I left my watch at home.
You, uh, doin' a little assessment, Doctor?
A little Title 47 action?
Humor me.
Forget it.
I'm perfectly lucid.
My actions are determined by self-defense,
which, unless I'm mistaken, is still one of the rights
protected by our so-called criminal justice system.
No, you're not mistaken.
Adam, I'm concerned, okay.
I mean, here you are in-
in what should be...
a- a relatively stable chapter
in your admittedly bizarre existence.
But, I mean, you have
a wife and a new baby-
Oh, please. Please. You presume to lecture
me on the state of my familial happiness?
No. There is no way to
describe to you, Fleischman,
the bliss that courses through my veins,
the- the unbridled rapture I feel every time
I think about my beautiful wife and son.
It's a feeling you'll never experience
in your emotionally impoverished life.
Well, but, you'd jeopardize this with some psychotic
behavior that could truly get you in serious trouble?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Suddenly I'm the problem, huh?
What about the D'Angelos?
What about those double-dealing assassins
workin' for Minnifield, huh?
- They make fireworks.
- Oh, oh, please.
One peek at me from one of those
stooges, just one little peek,
and the next thing I'll feel
is a soft-nosed. 45 slug...
as it enters my brain pan
at twice the speed of sound.
Just relax, okay?
Just-Just a few questions.
In any of your past medical workups,
has anyone, by any chance,
ever suggested Prozac?
Now
- Is that all that you A. M. A. drones can think about? Drugs?
Someone doesn't fit into your little
Marcus Welby view of the universe,
you just reach for the
medicine cabinet, huh? No.
We don't kill the messenger anymore,
do we, Fleischman? We medicate him.
Adam, this is not just
an anti-depressant.
Go home, Dottore. Your
mission here has failed. Whoa.
If I was prone to violence, your neck would be wrapped around
one of those trees out there like a piece of rotelli pasta.
Hey!
Get out. Out!
Pigmy.
Of course, you fly a Cessna.
Now, that has your Lycoming engine in there,
anywhere from 180 to 225 horses.
I'm more of Beechcraft man myself.
F33, uh, Bonanza.
Now, that uses
the Continental IO-520,
unlike the A36 model,
which carries the 550.
Mmm. You're right. What do you say, Stan?
Hi. Hey, Fleischman. Good to see ya!
The " I" in the designation
refers to fuel injection, of course.
And the " 0" stands for " opposed,"
as in, uh, horizontally opposed.
Mmm. Listen,
I'll talk to you a little bit later, okay?
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Thank God you're here.
Yesterday, this guy was clinically depressed.
Now look at him. It's amazing.
Yeah, well, I have been, Fleischman,
for the past 20 minutes.
All I did was say, " Hi,"
and suddenly I'm subjected to the-
the history of the internal
combustion engine.
Give him a break.
The man's been alone for 15 years.
Well, he's just kind of boring,
Fleischman.
Well, you know, perhaps
he's overcompensating.
But I've seen you when you're nervous,
and, I mean, you twist your hair.
So he talks.
How about a little sympathy, huh?
I don't twist my hair. Well, yeah, you do, actually.
Did the new Atlantic come in, by any chance?
Yeah, it's back there.
Thanks.
He worked for the copper mines.
Until they shut down, that is.
Uh, oh, you can still see some
operators working there though.
But employment's gone down in that sector
some, uh, 80% since the, uh, late '50s. Yeah.
This makes me so mad, though.
Let's get back to civilization.
I can't believe it.
Hey, hold your horses! What's going
on over here? We're outta here!
What? What about the show? No show.
What are you talking about?
See this?
Somebody's tampered with the fuses.
They're all useless.
Far niente!
Master control board.
Someone clipped the connections.
Well, surely you carry backups,
Signor.
I mean, some-somebody's playin'
a prank here. What prank?
Like this?
That was here this morning.
It's an aluminum bolt
from a crossbow.
Hey, I don't know who your friends are or what games they
think they're playin', Mr. Minnifield, but we're gone.
Let's go.
Wait a minute!
What about the contract?
Read the fine print.
We can back out anytime
due to improper security.
We'll bill you.
Andiamo!
Wait a minute, fellas.
"British Colonel Washington and his men...
"surrounded a smaller party of Frenchmen
caught napping by their fires.
"'I heard the bullets whistle, '
Washington later wrote,
...'and believe me, there is
something charming in the sound. "'
The year was 1754, folks, and what young
Colonel George Washington had just done...
was open fire on a peaceful
diplomatic mission,
killing 10 Frenchmen
and an ambassador,
leading France and England
to the brink of global war.
The French later caught up to
Washington's men at Fort Necessity,
beat the pants off of'em,
causing Washington to surrender.
That's wild, huh?
I mean, we think of George Washington,
and we see this old geezer just starin' at us
from the front of a dollar bill, you know?
Calm, wise, father of our country.
But young George- he was out there, man.
Original loose cannon.
Twenty-two years old, and brought the wrath
of two countries down on him.
Whoa, George.
You better have a good attorney, Adam, because
you're gonna need his services. I'll take care of it.
By the time I'm through with you, I'll have
your wife's inheritance in my hip pocket.
Hey, hey!
I save myself from a team of hit men,
spare this town a federal inquest,
all you can whine about
is some lousy fireworks?
- I said I'd take care of it!
- Take care of what?
The fireworks.
What the hell do you know
about fireworks?
Does the name Nishiyama
mean anything to you?
Leading family in Japanese pyrotechnics
going back 400 years?
I'm the only round-eye
they ever let in their factory.
That does it.
Fleischman may be too spineless
to have you committed,
but I've got other cards I can play.
I'm bringing charges against you, Adam.
Criminal trespass, vandalism.
I'll see you behind bars.
And then I got tired of African violets, and I
don't know why exactly. So I switched to orchids.
Joel, come join us. Please. Well,
that's very nice of you, Ruth-Anne.
I certainly will.
We were just talking gardening.
Ruth-Anne's a gardener, you
know. Oh, I didn't know that.
But after a couple of years of orchids,
I'd had enough of ornamentals altogether.
I thought it was time to give something
back, you know, turn to something productive.
Suddenly, of all things,
I got hooked on tubers.
Tubers? Potatoes are
the most common example,
but there's actually a wide variety,
including cassava, arrowroot, taro, yams.
Will you guys excuse me?
I'm gonna go order at the bar.
Otherwise, I'll be sitting here all day.
All right.
Have you ever looked into tubers?
Hey, Holling.
I give her another 40 seconds.
Who's that?
Ruth-Anne.
It's been 10 minutes already.
She's the current record holder. What,
you-you talking about Ranger Burns?
South America. Incas have been
eating them for centuries.
Yeah, I guess he does
tend to run on a bit, huh?
There she goes.
You know, I think he's just
getting used to people again. That's all.
Joel, I have been
a bartender for 20 years.
I have a pretty high tolerance for drivel.
But when that man started in on
fermentation processes in medieval Europe,
well, I was just grateful to have
a grease fire in the kitchen to attend to.
Hey, babe.
Ruth-Anne finally bit it.
Ten minutes, 36 seconds.
Awesome.
You really should talk to him, Joel.
Me? What are you talking about?
Why should I?
Well, it's like if your best friend
had B. O. or something.
You're not doing him a favor
by letting him stink out the room.
Hold on. This is not my best friend. This is a
patient, you know? I mean, there's a difference.
- You didn't offer to buy him drinks at the Brick?
- Absolutely not.
I mean, I may have said something,
but I was helping a troubled person
in a- in a difficult situation.
First words out of his mouth:
"My friend,
Dr. Joel Fleischman, sent me. "
That's why we rented him
the spare room.
You're kidding me.
He's staying here?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, we've been talking
about renting that attic room for months now.
So when your friend said he needed
a place for a few weeks before he moved on-
I wish you would stop saying that.
He's not my friend.
I mean, if I were
responsible for every patient
I treated, I- I couldn't begin to function.
Hey.
You got any detonating cord?
Well, if you don't see it on the shelf-
Here's a fax for you, Ed.
From Leonard.
Oh, great.
Where's my potassium nitrate?
I'm still looking.
And they wonder what's killing retail.
What's the matter, Chigliak?
Didn't get into the college
of your choice?
No. I just asked Leonard what it meant,
me bein' hit by lightning.
- And?
- Oh.
Uh, well. " Don't carry metal
objects in a thunderstorm. "
Sound advice from the rattlemeister.
Yeah.
So what'd you expect?
A message from the prophet?
Words from on high?
You're supposed to lead
your people out of Egypt?
I don't know. Something. You
want to know what it means, huh?
I'll tell you what it means.
The universe is a hostile place, Chigliak.
It is? Yeah. You think
nature is some Disney movie?
Nature is a killer, pal.
Nature is a bitch.
It's feeding time out there
24 hours a day.
Every step that you take
is a gamble with death.
If it isn't getting hit by lightning today,
it's an earthquake tomorrow,
or some deer tick
carrying Lyme disease.
Either way, you're ending up
on the wrong end of the food chain.
Well, that's, uh, rather upsetting.
Well, it's supposed to be
upsetting, you moron.
Check out
the Declaration of Independence.
You think it promises happiness?
No, no, no.
It talks about " the pursuit of happiness. "
The pursuit!
We've become a nation of wimps.
We think we're entitled
to everything.
We want to legislate ourselves
into some cozy little cocoon.
Well, forget it, nature boy.
There are no guarantees.
Life is nasty, brutish and short.
Ecce homo.
Well.
Hi, Dr. Fleischman.
Hey, Stan.
Oh. Right. Lunch.
Um, yeah, here- here's the thing.
These-These lab reports came in, and, um, I
was wondering if- if we could do it tomorrow.
Oh, sure.
Good.
I just dropped by to chat.
Yeah, I'm- I'm just catching up
on some back reading actually.
Oh.
Why don't you go over to the Brick?
I- I heard they're having a dart tournament.
Um, I don't- I don't think so.
Things aren't going well?
- Little tip?
- Hmm?
Why don't you have a seat.
Um,
here's the thing.
I've noticed that, um,
you tend to monopolize
conversations.
I do?
Well, yeah.
The thing is,
people don't really like it...
when someone runs on about something
that they're not particularly interested in.
It could come off as, uh,
well, babbling.
Babbling?
Oh, you mean glossolalia, from the Greek,
meaning " to speak with tongues. "
You know, it's interesting
how that comes about-
Stop.
See, you're doing it right now.
I didn't ask for an explanation
about speech disorders.
You understand?
It's like, Ruth-Anne didn't ask about the-
the taxonomy of, uh- of tubers,
and Maggie didn't ask
about turbine engines.
I just think that people don't always
want to know that stuff, you know?
Not all at once, anyway.
You could possibly get better
results if you-you just-
you turn off the-
the spigot a bit, you know?
But you said I was, uh, likable.
You are.
You are very likable.
It's just this habit, I think,
might be getting in the way
of your likability.
Did you mean it?
- What?
- That we're friends.
Yeah. Yes.
We're friends.
I mean, I- I- I should point out...
that first and foremost, though,
I think, I'm- I'm your physician.
I'm your friendly physician.
Uh, to me,
it's- it's- it's a rule not to get
drawn into personal relationships that-
that just, you know,
might make it difficult for me
to- to provide professional care.
You know what I'm sayin'.
Hey, Ed?
Hey, Ed, how you doin', buddy?
Oh, not so good, Chris.
I think I'm depressed.
Why? Why?
What's the matter?
Well, mostly because all I want
to do is just lie around and sleep.
Why don't you pop in a video
or somethin'?
Yeah.
I put in Singin'In The Rain.
That just made me really depressed.
You know, it's all about when silent movies
were on the way out.
People couldn't adjust,
whole careers were ruined.
This that have anything to do
with gettin' toasted out there?
Oh, everything, Chris.
You know, the universe
is out to get me.
I used to think nature
was my friend.
But now I know.
At any given moment-Wham!
You can be squashed like a bug.
Yeah. Interesting.
Conventional, but interesting.
- What do you mean?
- Nature as the boogie man.
You know, it's very 17 th century,
Calvinist New England, you know?
No.
This whole fear trip, Ed.
You know, man in the woods,
uh, hostile world.
It's very in keeping with the...
male-dominated, Protestant, capitalist ethic
of the colonial fathers.
Oh, yeah, those guys.
Yeah. Of course, there's other ways to go,
you know, like the whole Gaia approach.
You know, Mother Earth viewing the world
as a single organism, you know?
You should be familiar with this, Ed. It's the
whole weltanschauung of most Native Americans.
Oh. Yeah. Right.
It just doesn't get as much
air play as Calvinism.
Wait, Chris. What does this mean
about me gettin' hit by lightning though?
Well, under Gaia rules, I'd say, uh,
you were spared by a loving hand, and...
you know, it's to remind you that the world
is a precious place, you know?
Go in peace.
Huh.
Is that what you think?
Me?
I don't know.
Huh.
Hey, Joel, take my hand.
I've got to check on my Mulligan stew.
All right.
Um, what's the deal here?
Seven card stud.
High spade in the hole.
Hey, has anyone seen Burns, by any
chance? It's quiet in here, isn't it?
We owe you a debt, Joel.
Me?
Marilyn says you read him
the riot act yesterday.
No, I didn't. That's ridiculous.
I mean, I- I- I talked to the guy.
Don't apologize. It's finally safe
to wear your earflaps up again.
Amen to that.
Well, crack it for a nickel.
I'll call.
Fleischman?
What?
What's up?
Um, I guess I'll just call.
Okay.
Dealer calls.
Here we go.
Well, where is Burns?
Who knows?
Who cares?
- I think Holling said he's been in his room all day.
- Still worth a nickel.
You're kidding me. The guy hasn't even
been down for meals, or anything?
Make it a dime.
Fleischman?
Uh, I'll put in a nickel.
It's a dime.
I- I-I'm sorry.
You know what? Excuse me.
Hey, Stan.
Look, um, I thought maybe
we could have a talk, huh?
Can I come in?
Back at the- at the fire tower,
some things were said, and...
not that I- I-
I take back anything necessarily,
but I- I can see how...
certain remarks might
have been misconstrued.
You see, my main concern was
getting you out of that tower.
Really, I believe that that was
in your best interest.
The fact is, I lied about the friend thing.
I'm sorry.
Stan, you're really not a bad guy,
you know.
You just-You gotta work on
the social skills a bit.
You know what?
I- I want you to tell me something.
And not from a book, or something
you've read or heard, okay?
I- I- I want you to just tell me something
about your life, would you?
I'll tell you something about me,
and then we'll try to have a conversation.
Okay?
Go ahead.
Anything.
Favorite food or sports.
Well, I like Franco-American spaghetti.
Okay.
I actually have a- a special fondness
for Chef Boyardee Ravioli. Beef.
Where were you born?
Uh, Bradford, Pennsylvania.
Yeah?
Home of the Zippo lighter.
Oh. Okay.
I was born in Flushing, New York,
home of Herb and Nadine Fleischman.
My father, uh, was a truck driver.
He delivered oil. Quaker State.
Oh, that's a good product.
Yeah.
Oh, um, what did your father do?
Well, my father was
in the concrete business.
Still is, actually.
My mother's a bookkeeper.
My mother pretty much had to raise
the four of us herself. Four, huh?
Wow.
Uh-huh.
Tommy, Karen, Dave and me.
Uh-huh.
Uh, Tommy joined the army
when, uh-when I was six.
I never really knew him.
You were the youngest?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Boy, Marilyn, I've been thinkin'
about this lightning thing so much...
I've gone and given myself a headache.
Maybe you shouldn't think about it.
I tried that too.
When I try not thinking about it,
the only thing that goes
through my head is still it.
Who do you think is right?
Is it a nihilistic universe with no meaning-
well, other than survival-
or does the Enlightenment
view prevail?
Does the Creator
have a master plan?
And if so, what is it?
My uncle once told me about
a warrior who had a fine stallion.
Everybody said how lucky he was
to have such a horse.
"Maybe," he said.
One day, the stallion ran off.
The people said the warrior
was unlucky.
"Maybe," he said.
Next day the stallion returned...
leading a string of fine ponies.
The people said it was very lucky.
"Maybe," the warrior said.
Later, the warrior's son was thrown
from one of the ponies...
and broke his leg.
The people said it was unlucky.
"Maybe," the warrior said.
The next week, the chief led
a war party against another tribe.
Many young men were killed.
But because of his broken leg,
the warrior's son was left behind
and so was spared.
You people will have to clean
this litter up here.
Have a lovely evening.
Ladies and gentlemen,
good evening.
Welcome to the First Annual
Presidents' Day Celebration.
Now, due to, uh, circumstances
that are beyond my control,
there will be no fireworks tonight.
Well, come on, people.
I'll make it up to you
the Fourth of July, okay?
Now, I'd like to take time to make
a few comments about, uh,
America's leadership position
in the post-Cold War era.
Oh, what? No.
Give me a break. Come on.
Ah, hell, I don't feel like
talkin' about that either.
Maybe we ought to reflect
on Washington and Lincoln.
I mean, they're the reason
we're here anyway, right?
What occurs to me this evening...
is, in spite of their many achievements,
they were far from perfect people.
Maybe you've been listening
to " Chris in the Morning,"
talking about Washington's failures
as a military commander.
Or maybe Lincoln's melancholia
springs to mind.
He'd go into a blue funk
for days at a time.
I guess we all have our demons-
I'll be damned.
Awfully close to the trees.
Fireworks originated
in China, you know.
Some say it was
during the Tang Dynasty.
Others say it was during
the Southern Sung.
Uh, not that it matters.
It's all right, Stan.
One spark'll set something on fire,
and that'd be a catastrophe.
Maybe.
the layoff real hard.
I mean, I only treated him for a migraine.
I don't see why he'd want me to talk him down.
Why is he getting the ax?
Well, fact is, we don't need
that many fire lookouts anymore.
Not with all the tourists we get
up here with those cellular phones.
They can call in a flash point hours before
one of our boys is likely to see it.
Hey, you don't think he's, uh
- he's really violent, by any chance, do you? Who, Burns?
Yeah.
No.
He's a little eccentric.
Any change, gentlemen?
Sergeant Petievich,
why don't you give it one more shot?
State police.
Hostage negotiator.
Stan, this is Ben Petievich.
I'm gonna ask you one more time, Stan.
You comin' down?
No!
I'm disappointed, Stan.
That's it?
That's your negotiation?
Stan, I've got Dr. Fleischman here,
like you asked for.
- Send him up!
- He's on his way.
Good luck.
Let- Let me just make sure of something.
This is the best idea, right?
I mean, you know, this guy's
not gonna- I don't know-
take me as a hostage or anything, is he?
Stan, we trust each other,
don't we?
Yes.
Dr. Fleischman comes and goes as he pleases,
right? You're not gonna use him as a human shield?
- I got your word on that?
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
All right, Stan, what's the problem?
I don't think it's fair, what they're
doing to me. Do you, Dr. Fleischman?
Well, you know,
I always think that- that fair's
kind of a- a relative term, you know?
I've walked this platform every quarter hour
of every business day for the last 16 years.
I think I've been a good soldier.
How many fires have you actually
spotted from up here?
Well, three.
Uh, not counting the vehicle fire in '86
which was self-contained.
Well, come on, Stan.
I mean, you-
you work out the math,
it's not hard to see how-
how someone could-
could make an argument that your time
might be spent better elsewhere.
I mean, Superintendent Walsh tells me
he's got a great new job for you.
Did he tell you what it is?
No.
Tour guide at the Alexander Hamilton House.
You're kidding. You-You mean the one-
the Hamilton Grange in Manhattan?
I devote my life to protecting
national parkland,
and they want me to usher school kids
through the Hamilton Grange?
Well, not that Hamilton wasn't
a seminal character in American history.
George Washington's aide-de-camp
during the Revolutionary War,
major author of the Federalist Papers,
first secretary of the treasury
of the United States,
president of the American
Philosophical Society.
Wow, listen to you.
You're, uh, quite the historian, huh?
Well, I read a lot.
Hey, Stan, I think that this-
I mean, this- this could possibly
be a- a mixed blessing, you know?
This-This is-This could be
the perfect match for you.
Don't you see?
Dr. Fleischman, I came here the day after
Jimmy Carter took office.
This is all I know.
I don't know what to tell you, Stan.
I guess, uh-
I guess the fire towers are-
are goin' the way of the dodo bird, huh?
Attention, K-Bear shoppers.
Don't pass up the special Presidents'Day sale
now goin'on at Leo's Auto Parts.
Man, what would old George
think of this hoopla?
Poor guy doesn't even get a chance
to celebrate his birthday alone anymore.
He has to blow
out the candles with Abe.
Ahh.
Why is that, huh?
So we can get a long weekend
and go to the shopping mall and buy things?
George Washington had a dream
for this country.
Was it three days
of uninterrupted shopping?
Anyway, Ed Chigliak and meself are gonna
celebrate the holidays in our own special way.
We're goin' up to the, uh, Frying Pan River
for a little pre-dawn fishing.
Hey, I got a community reminder here.
"Maurice's First Annual
Presidents' Day Fireworks Gala...
"takes place on the east lawn,
Sunday evening at 9:00 P. M. sharp.
Recreational vehicles
use the service road, please. "
Mm-hmm. I figure we'll put
the podium right over here.
People can park their fannies
all along this area.
That might not be enough room
for the setups.
I'm thinkin' fire lanes, fuses.
Mind if we cut down
some of these trees?
It might not be necessary, but just
in case, you know? You're the maestro.
My last words are gonna be
"Rockets' red glare. "
When I say that, I want one of those screamin'
meemies to come up right behind my head.
Can you do that?
Oh, yeah.
A number four red burst
chrysanthemum, Pop?
With annunciator and silver tiger's tail.
What else?
When you did Liz Taylor's wedding, didn't you
have some of those, uh, red spidery things?
Palm tree star mines with varied
core and green flash. Got it.
Carmine, let's talk mortar
emplacements, huh?
So if we give you the two years,
do we have a deal?
Yeah.
Okay, I got it. Great.
Thanks. I will. All right.
Okay, Stan,
we got everything, all right?
You go down tonight, you report
to the Hamilton Grange first of the month,
government agrees
that they will not press charges,
and they will not mark this incident
on your record, okay?
You know, any one of those strikes
could trigger a major conflagration.
Stan, also they say after no more
than two years' time in New York,
they promise to reassign you
to the Painted Desert,
or, at- at- at the least,
Yellowstone Glacier.
You know, lightning restores electrical
equilibrium to the earth. Did you know that?
Stan, why don't we talk
about the lightning later?
I don't want to leave here.
Stan, I just spent seven hours
on the phone...
getting you everything
I possibly could, okay?
It's a- It's a maximum of-
of two years, the Painted Desert.
I mean, I don't understand.
What-What is the-What is the problem?
I don't want to go down there.
Why not?
People don't like me.
What do you mean,
people don't like you?
People just don't like me.
I'm, uh-
I'm not good at making friends.
Look, I like you.
I'm your friend.
You'vejust been stuck in this tower
too long.
You come down, you get back in the swing,
I guarantee, in- in a week,
we're gonna be laughing about this
over beers at the Brick.
What's the Brick?
It's this bar in town.
They have an excellent jukebox,
and they have-
they have pool, and darts.
And-And, really, I mean,
I- I think you'd like it.
Okay? As your friend,
I'm urging you to take it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Who's there?
I, uh, took the liberty of, uh,
opening your '61 Lafite, Minnifield.
Adam.
It's only good for a few more months,
you know.
How'd you get past my security system?
Oh, you mean the, uh,
tin cans and the string?
This is state-of-the-art.
Motion sensitive, infrared.
Save yourself the trouble
and order a flock of geese next time.
Just for the sake of argument,
what's to keep me from taking you by the scruff
of the neck and throwin' you out the door?
Only a, uh, fifth-degree
black belt in Shotokan karate.
Or would you care
for a demonstration?
Your arm would be broken in three places
before you hit the ground.
We have a bone to pick,
Minnifield.
Pick away, Adam.
You know that, uh, fireworks company
you hired- the D'Angelos?
What about 'em?
Do you know who they are?
Only the best pyrotechs
in the business.
It's a cover.
What?
Mosquito Coast, January '86.
A small team of Contra rebels
waits for an arms shipment...
before delivering a series
of panther-like blows to the Sandinistas.
Only the brave band is betrayed...
and has to fight their way back
to the Honduran border.
Here we go.
A group of Contra rebels, huh?
Are they any relation to the Cuban nationals
you led at the second Bay of Pigs?
It didn't take long
to find the quisling.
A mob-connected arms dealer
known in company circles as Dexter R. Ward,
a. k. a. Carlo " The Weasel" Fusco,
a. k. a. Salvatore D'Angelo.
Salvatore D'Angelo was given a personal
commendation by the White House...
for his part in the inauguration.
Hey, I tried to get the goods to Casey,
but the old man's tumor exploded
before I could reach him.
Next thing I know, everyone at D. O. D. has a sudden
case of amnesia. I'm left twistin' in the wind.
Now, you look, Adam-
Ever since then,
I've dreaded the day that old man D'Angelo
or some mechanic from Covert Action...
will come and hunt me
down like a dog.
But little did I suspect
that someone that I knew...
would be the source of my betrayal.
You stay away from those people,
Adam.
You can think anything you want to
in the sanctity of your own loony bin,
but if you raise one hand
against those people-
Get rid of'em, Minnifield,
or I will.
Well, what do you think, man?
You want to bag it?
Right.
You all right, man?
You seem a little quiet.
Oh, yeah.
I was talkin' to Dr. Fleischman
about Maurice's party.
He told me George Washington
never cut down that cherry tree.
Well, he's right.
Total fiction.
Another icon shattered.
Yeah, this preacher man from Maryland,
right- Mason Weems-
wrote this biography about Washington
back in 1800's,
and it wasn't exactly
flyin' off the shelves,
so he made it up, you know?
The rest is history, sort of.
Like Pretty Woman.
What?
Well, see, the original script for that movie
was supposed to be this dark look,
the seamy side of prostitution.
Right.
Only then they go
and castJulia Roberts,
and they let her go shopping,
take a bubble bath,
and they made a cool 150 million.
Yeah, I see the connection.
I guess we haveJeffrey Katzen-
Ed! Ed!
Ed, man!
Ed, you okay?
What happened?
You-You got hit by lightning, man.
Oh.
Are you all right?
I think so.
See if you can get up, man.
Look.
Your shoes, man.
Oh, Ed.
Oh, man.
Forest Service may not be pressing
any charges, but I'll be watching you, Burns.
Disturbing the peace is a serious offense.
Keep your nose clean, we won't have a problem.
Step out of line, you answer
to me. Clear? Yes, ma'am.
Good luck. Doctor. Uh-huh.
- How about breakfast?
- Uh, breakfast?
At that Brick place?
Yeah... breakfast. You see, the- the only thing is,
I- I really should catch up on some of this work.
- Oh. - Um, well, what about lunch
though? How- How does that sound?
All right. All right, why don't I have Marilyn
check the book, and she can pencil somethin'in.
- Hey, Joel, you have to take a look at Ed.
- Hey, what happened?
He got hit by lightning.
Lightning? Excuse me.
Well,
your heartbeat is regular
and your pupils are normal.
I feel kind of achy.
Yeah, well, you got zapped by thirty million
volts. I expect you'll be sore for a few days.
Hey, man, it was like he got shot
with a shotgun blast, you know.
10 feet back, man.
Let's see if your eardrums are intact.
Is there any ringing?
No.
Well, looks clear to me.
There's no feathering burns
or lacerations.
But, boy, this is interesting.
Is it bad?
Well, your manicurist may not like it.
You feel this?
Uh-huh.
It's what they call the flashover effect.
See, when lightning flashes over the body,
it'll, uh, vaporize sweat
and blow away clothing,
and- and in your case, apparently, uh,
caramelized your fingers and your toenails.
I guess I'd like you to
take it easy for a few days,
but, basically, I think you're fine.
All right, man!
You can put your shirt on.
I'm sorry to barge in
- Yeah, it's all right, Maurice. He's okay.
Who?
Ed.
- What happened to Ed?
- Got whacked by lightning.
Oh. Uh, listen, Fleischman,
I need to talk to you in private, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I'll see you before you leave.
What's the problem?
It's Adam. He's back.
So? So, he's threatened
to kill my fireworks crew.
What?
Why?
Well, who knows why? Some paranoid
ravings about the Iran-Contra.
The point is,
the man is off his tether.
He's a walking time bomb
ready to explode.
Yeah, well, I mean,
the guy's always been borderline delusional.
Look, Joel, I know the signs.
I saw 'em in Korea.
Now, I want that guy
off the streets.
Well, look, I'm afraid
it's not that simple, you know?
I mean, there are legal provisions.
Yeah, I've checked that out.
If you certify that Adam is a danger
to himself or to other people,
the police can hold him for 72 hours.
We can whisk him off to Anchorage, put him in
the psychiatric institute for a full evaluation.
That's a little extreme,
don't you think?
I mean, I- I know he's a walking pathology,
but, I mean, the guy's never hurt anybody.
Not that I know of.
I mean, threats of imminent danger
are just his way of saying good morning.
Now, you listen to me, Joel.
This is not New York City.
It's not Santa Monica.
This is Cicely.
This is a special place.
It's a place where we want
to maintain the quality of life.
We do not want refugees
from the psycho ward...
pushing shopping carts
up and down the street.
You comprende?
I comprende.
Good.
Ed, what are you doing?
Hi, Ruth-Anne.
Well, I was just thinking about
that lightning thing, you know,
and how if it'd been in a movie or on TV,
well, it'd probably lead
to extraordinary powers, you know.
Like the Incredible Hulk or
the Amazing Colossal Man.
Yes.
Well, so,
I thought I might be experiencing
a little ion reversal...
or temporary magnetism maybe.
I guess not.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, Ruth-Anne.
It's just the old, you know,
"why me?" thing.
I mean, Chris was standing there
right beside me.
Why'd the lightning hit me
and not him?
Just one of those things,
I guess.
Yeah, but Ruth-Anne, statistically,
that's a 10 million to one shot.
I'd say you're lucky to be alive.
Yeah.
Just seems like there'd be
more to it than that.
It's open, Fleischman.
Now, how could you possibly know
it was me out there?
Minnifield send you?
Maurice?
- Why do you ask that?
- Because he's an idiot.
Been a while, huh?
How's, uh, Eve and, um-
What's your son's name, again?
Aldridge.
Aldridge. That's right.
I don't know where
my head is today.
All morning, I've been running around thinking
it's- it's Tuesday, and- and, in fact, it's Monday.
Isn't it? It is Monday.
What's the date today?
I- I left my watch at home.
You, uh, doin' a little assessment, Doctor?
A little Title 47 action?
Humor me.
Forget it.
I'm perfectly lucid.
My actions are determined by self-defense,
which, unless I'm mistaken, is still one of the rights
protected by our so-called criminal justice system.
No, you're not mistaken.
Adam, I'm concerned, okay.
I mean, here you are in-
in what should be...
a- a relatively stable chapter
in your admittedly bizarre existence.
But, I mean, you have
a wife and a new baby-
Oh, please. Please. You presume to lecture
me on the state of my familial happiness?
No. There is no way to
describe to you, Fleischman,
the bliss that courses through my veins,
the- the unbridled rapture I feel every time
I think about my beautiful wife and son.
It's a feeling you'll never experience
in your emotionally impoverished life.
Well, but, you'd jeopardize this with some psychotic
behavior that could truly get you in serious trouble?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Suddenly I'm the problem, huh?
What about the D'Angelos?
What about those double-dealing assassins
workin' for Minnifield, huh?
- They make fireworks.
- Oh, oh, please.
One peek at me from one of those
stooges, just one little peek,
and the next thing I'll feel
is a soft-nosed. 45 slug...
as it enters my brain pan
at twice the speed of sound.
Just relax, okay?
Just-Just a few questions.
In any of your past medical workups,
has anyone, by any chance,
ever suggested Prozac?
Now
- Is that all that you A. M. A. drones can think about? Drugs?
Someone doesn't fit into your little
Marcus Welby view of the universe,
you just reach for the
medicine cabinet, huh? No.
We don't kill the messenger anymore,
do we, Fleischman? We medicate him.
Adam, this is not just
an anti-depressant.
Go home, Dottore. Your
mission here has failed. Whoa.
If I was prone to violence, your neck would be wrapped around
one of those trees out there like a piece of rotelli pasta.
Hey!
Get out. Out!
Pigmy.
Of course, you fly a Cessna.
Now, that has your Lycoming engine in there,
anywhere from 180 to 225 horses.
I'm more of Beechcraft man myself.
F33, uh, Bonanza.
Now, that uses
the Continental IO-520,
unlike the A36 model,
which carries the 550.
Mmm. You're right. What do you say, Stan?
Hi. Hey, Fleischman. Good to see ya!
The " I" in the designation
refers to fuel injection, of course.
And the " 0" stands for " opposed,"
as in, uh, horizontally opposed.
Mmm. Listen,
I'll talk to you a little bit later, okay?
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Thank God you're here.
Yesterday, this guy was clinically depressed.
Now look at him. It's amazing.
Yeah, well, I have been, Fleischman,
for the past 20 minutes.
All I did was say, " Hi,"
and suddenly I'm subjected to the-
the history of the internal
combustion engine.
Give him a break.
The man's been alone for 15 years.
Well, he's just kind of boring,
Fleischman.
Well, you know, perhaps
he's overcompensating.
But I've seen you when you're nervous,
and, I mean, you twist your hair.
So he talks.
How about a little sympathy, huh?
I don't twist my hair. Well, yeah, you do, actually.
Did the new Atlantic come in, by any chance?
Yeah, it's back there.
Thanks.
He worked for the copper mines.
Until they shut down, that is.
Uh, oh, you can still see some
operators working there though.
But employment's gone down in that sector
some, uh, 80% since the, uh, late '50s. Yeah.
This makes me so mad, though.
Let's get back to civilization.
I can't believe it.
Hey, hold your horses! What's going
on over here? We're outta here!
What? What about the show? No show.
What are you talking about?
See this?
Somebody's tampered with the fuses.
They're all useless.
Far niente!
Master control board.
Someone clipped the connections.
Well, surely you carry backups,
Signor.
I mean, some-somebody's playin'
a prank here. What prank?
Like this?
That was here this morning.
It's an aluminum bolt
from a crossbow.
Hey, I don't know who your friends are or what games they
think they're playin', Mr. Minnifield, but we're gone.
Let's go.
Wait a minute!
What about the contract?
Read the fine print.
We can back out anytime
due to improper security.
We'll bill you.
Andiamo!
Wait a minute, fellas.
"British Colonel Washington and his men...
"surrounded a smaller party of Frenchmen
caught napping by their fires.
"'I heard the bullets whistle, '
Washington later wrote,
...'and believe me, there is
something charming in the sound. "'
The year was 1754, folks, and what young
Colonel George Washington had just done...
was open fire on a peaceful
diplomatic mission,
killing 10 Frenchmen
and an ambassador,
leading France and England
to the brink of global war.
The French later caught up to
Washington's men at Fort Necessity,
beat the pants off of'em,
causing Washington to surrender.
That's wild, huh?
I mean, we think of George Washington,
and we see this old geezer just starin' at us
from the front of a dollar bill, you know?
Calm, wise, father of our country.
But young George- he was out there, man.
Original loose cannon.
Twenty-two years old, and brought the wrath
of two countries down on him.
Whoa, George.
You better have a good attorney, Adam, because
you're gonna need his services. I'll take care of it.
By the time I'm through with you, I'll have
your wife's inheritance in my hip pocket.
Hey, hey!
I save myself from a team of hit men,
spare this town a federal inquest,
all you can whine about
is some lousy fireworks?
- I said I'd take care of it!
- Take care of what?
The fireworks.
What the hell do you know
about fireworks?
Does the name Nishiyama
mean anything to you?
Leading family in Japanese pyrotechnics
going back 400 years?
I'm the only round-eye
they ever let in their factory.
That does it.
Fleischman may be too spineless
to have you committed,
but I've got other cards I can play.
I'm bringing charges against you, Adam.
Criminal trespass, vandalism.
I'll see you behind bars.
And then I got tired of African violets, and I
don't know why exactly. So I switched to orchids.
Joel, come join us. Please. Well,
that's very nice of you, Ruth-Anne.
I certainly will.
We were just talking gardening.
Ruth-Anne's a gardener, you
know. Oh, I didn't know that.
But after a couple of years of orchids,
I'd had enough of ornamentals altogether.
I thought it was time to give something
back, you know, turn to something productive.
Suddenly, of all things,
I got hooked on tubers.
Tubers? Potatoes are
the most common example,
but there's actually a wide variety,
including cassava, arrowroot, taro, yams.
Will you guys excuse me?
I'm gonna go order at the bar.
Otherwise, I'll be sitting here all day.
All right.
Have you ever looked into tubers?
Hey, Holling.
I give her another 40 seconds.
Who's that?
Ruth-Anne.
It's been 10 minutes already.
She's the current record holder. What,
you-you talking about Ranger Burns?
South America. Incas have been
eating them for centuries.
Yeah, I guess he does
tend to run on a bit, huh?
There she goes.
You know, I think he's just
getting used to people again. That's all.
Joel, I have been
a bartender for 20 years.
I have a pretty high tolerance for drivel.
But when that man started in on
fermentation processes in medieval Europe,
well, I was just grateful to have
a grease fire in the kitchen to attend to.
Hey, babe.
Ruth-Anne finally bit it.
Ten minutes, 36 seconds.
Awesome.
You really should talk to him, Joel.
Me? What are you talking about?
Why should I?
Well, it's like if your best friend
had B. O. or something.
You're not doing him a favor
by letting him stink out the room.
Hold on. This is not my best friend. This is a
patient, you know? I mean, there's a difference.
- You didn't offer to buy him drinks at the Brick?
- Absolutely not.
I mean, I may have said something,
but I was helping a troubled person
in a- in a difficult situation.
First words out of his mouth:
"My friend,
Dr. Joel Fleischman, sent me. "
That's why we rented him
the spare room.
You're kidding me.
He's staying here?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, we've been talking
about renting that attic room for months now.
So when your friend said he needed
a place for a few weeks before he moved on-
I wish you would stop saying that.
He's not my friend.
I mean, if I were
responsible for every patient
I treated, I- I couldn't begin to function.
Hey.
You got any detonating cord?
Well, if you don't see it on the shelf-
Here's a fax for you, Ed.
From Leonard.
Oh, great.
Where's my potassium nitrate?
I'm still looking.
And they wonder what's killing retail.
What's the matter, Chigliak?
Didn't get into the college
of your choice?
No. I just asked Leonard what it meant,
me bein' hit by lightning.
- And?
- Oh.
Uh, well. " Don't carry metal
objects in a thunderstorm. "
Sound advice from the rattlemeister.
Yeah.
So what'd you expect?
A message from the prophet?
Words from on high?
You're supposed to lead
your people out of Egypt?
I don't know. Something. You
want to know what it means, huh?
I'll tell you what it means.
The universe is a hostile place, Chigliak.
It is? Yeah. You think
nature is some Disney movie?
Nature is a killer, pal.
Nature is a bitch.
It's feeding time out there
24 hours a day.
Every step that you take
is a gamble with death.
If it isn't getting hit by lightning today,
it's an earthquake tomorrow,
or some deer tick
carrying Lyme disease.
Either way, you're ending up
on the wrong end of the food chain.
Well, that's, uh, rather upsetting.
Well, it's supposed to be
upsetting, you moron.
Check out
the Declaration of Independence.
You think it promises happiness?
No, no, no.
It talks about " the pursuit of happiness. "
The pursuit!
We've become a nation of wimps.
We think we're entitled
to everything.
We want to legislate ourselves
into some cozy little cocoon.
Well, forget it, nature boy.
There are no guarantees.
Life is nasty, brutish and short.
Ecce homo.
Well.
Hi, Dr. Fleischman.
Hey, Stan.
Oh. Right. Lunch.
Um, yeah, here- here's the thing.
These-These lab reports came in, and, um, I
was wondering if- if we could do it tomorrow.
Oh, sure.
Good.
I just dropped by to chat.
Yeah, I'm- I'm just catching up
on some back reading actually.
Oh.
Why don't you go over to the Brick?
I- I heard they're having a dart tournament.
Um, I don't- I don't think so.
Things aren't going well?
- Little tip?
- Hmm?
Why don't you have a seat.
Um,
here's the thing.
I've noticed that, um,
you tend to monopolize
conversations.
I do?
Well, yeah.
The thing is,
people don't really like it...
when someone runs on about something
that they're not particularly interested in.
It could come off as, uh,
well, babbling.
Babbling?
Oh, you mean glossolalia, from the Greek,
meaning " to speak with tongues. "
You know, it's interesting
how that comes about-
Stop.
See, you're doing it right now.
I didn't ask for an explanation
about speech disorders.
You understand?
It's like, Ruth-Anne didn't ask about the-
the taxonomy of, uh- of tubers,
and Maggie didn't ask
about turbine engines.
I just think that people don't always
want to know that stuff, you know?
Not all at once, anyway.
You could possibly get better
results if you-you just-
you turn off the-
the spigot a bit, you know?
But you said I was, uh, likable.
You are.
You are very likable.
It's just this habit, I think,
might be getting in the way
of your likability.
Did you mean it?
- What?
- That we're friends.
Yeah. Yes.
We're friends.
I mean, I- I- I should point out...
that first and foremost, though,
I think, I'm- I'm your physician.
I'm your friendly physician.
Uh, to me,
it's- it's- it's a rule not to get
drawn into personal relationships that-
that just, you know,
might make it difficult for me
to- to provide professional care.
You know what I'm sayin'.
Hey, Ed?
Hey, Ed, how you doin', buddy?
Oh, not so good, Chris.
I think I'm depressed.
Why? Why?
What's the matter?
Well, mostly because all I want
to do is just lie around and sleep.
Why don't you pop in a video
or somethin'?
Yeah.
I put in Singin'In The Rain.
That just made me really depressed.
You know, it's all about when silent movies
were on the way out.
People couldn't adjust,
whole careers were ruined.
This that have anything to do
with gettin' toasted out there?
Oh, everything, Chris.
You know, the universe
is out to get me.
I used to think nature
was my friend.
But now I know.
At any given moment-Wham!
You can be squashed like a bug.
Yeah. Interesting.
Conventional, but interesting.
- What do you mean?
- Nature as the boogie man.
You know, it's very 17 th century,
Calvinist New England, you know?
No.
This whole fear trip, Ed.
You know, man in the woods,
uh, hostile world.
It's very in keeping with the...
male-dominated, Protestant, capitalist ethic
of the colonial fathers.
Oh, yeah, those guys.
Yeah. Of course, there's other ways to go,
you know, like the whole Gaia approach.
You know, Mother Earth viewing the world
as a single organism, you know?
You should be familiar with this, Ed. It's the
whole weltanschauung of most Native Americans.
Oh. Yeah. Right.
It just doesn't get as much
air play as Calvinism.
Wait, Chris. What does this mean
about me gettin' hit by lightning though?
Well, under Gaia rules, I'd say, uh,
you were spared by a loving hand, and...
you know, it's to remind you that the world
is a precious place, you know?
Go in peace.
Huh.
Is that what you think?
Me?
I don't know.
Huh.
Hey, Joel, take my hand.
I've got to check on my Mulligan stew.
All right.
Um, what's the deal here?
Seven card stud.
High spade in the hole.
Hey, has anyone seen Burns, by any
chance? It's quiet in here, isn't it?
We owe you a debt, Joel.
Me?
Marilyn says you read him
the riot act yesterday.
No, I didn't. That's ridiculous.
I mean, I- I- I talked to the guy.
Don't apologize. It's finally safe
to wear your earflaps up again.
Amen to that.
Well, crack it for a nickel.
I'll call.
Fleischman?
What?
What's up?
Um, I guess I'll just call.
Okay.
Dealer calls.
Here we go.
Well, where is Burns?
Who knows?
Who cares?
- I think Holling said he's been in his room all day.
- Still worth a nickel.
You're kidding me. The guy hasn't even
been down for meals, or anything?
Make it a dime.
Fleischman?
Uh, I'll put in a nickel.
It's a dime.
I- I-I'm sorry.
You know what? Excuse me.
Hey, Stan.
Look, um, I thought maybe
we could have a talk, huh?
Can I come in?
Back at the- at the fire tower,
some things were said, and...
not that I- I-
I take back anything necessarily,
but I- I can see how...
certain remarks might
have been misconstrued.
You see, my main concern was
getting you out of that tower.
Really, I believe that that was
in your best interest.
The fact is, I lied about the friend thing.
I'm sorry.
Stan, you're really not a bad guy,
you know.
You just-You gotta work on
the social skills a bit.
You know what?
I- I want you to tell me something.
And not from a book, or something
you've read or heard, okay?
I- I- I want you to just tell me something
about your life, would you?
I'll tell you something about me,
and then we'll try to have a conversation.
Okay?
Go ahead.
Anything.
Favorite food or sports.
Well, I like Franco-American spaghetti.
Okay.
I actually have a- a special fondness
for Chef Boyardee Ravioli. Beef.
Where were you born?
Uh, Bradford, Pennsylvania.
Yeah?
Home of the Zippo lighter.
Oh. Okay.
I was born in Flushing, New York,
home of Herb and Nadine Fleischman.
My father, uh, was a truck driver.
He delivered oil. Quaker State.
Oh, that's a good product.
Yeah.
Oh, um, what did your father do?
Well, my father was
in the concrete business.
Still is, actually.
My mother's a bookkeeper.
My mother pretty much had to raise
the four of us herself. Four, huh?
Wow.
Uh-huh.
Tommy, Karen, Dave and me.
Uh-huh.
Uh, Tommy joined the army
when, uh-when I was six.
I never really knew him.
You were the youngest?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Boy, Marilyn, I've been thinkin'
about this lightning thing so much...
I've gone and given myself a headache.
Maybe you shouldn't think about it.
I tried that too.
When I try not thinking about it,
the only thing that goes
through my head is still it.
Who do you think is right?
Is it a nihilistic universe with no meaning-
well, other than survival-
or does the Enlightenment
view prevail?
Does the Creator
have a master plan?
And if so, what is it?
My uncle once told me about
a warrior who had a fine stallion.
Everybody said how lucky he was
to have such a horse.
"Maybe," he said.
One day, the stallion ran off.
The people said the warrior
was unlucky.
"Maybe," he said.
Next day the stallion returned...
leading a string of fine ponies.
The people said it was very lucky.
"Maybe," the warrior said.
Later, the warrior's son was thrown
from one of the ponies...
and broke his leg.
The people said it was unlucky.
"Maybe," the warrior said.
The next week, the chief led
a war party against another tribe.
Many young men were killed.
But because of his broken leg,
the warrior's son was left behind
and so was spared.
You people will have to clean
this litter up here.
Have a lovely evening.
Ladies and gentlemen,
good evening.
Welcome to the First Annual
Presidents' Day Celebration.
Now, due to, uh, circumstances
that are beyond my control,
there will be no fireworks tonight.
Well, come on, people.
I'll make it up to you
the Fourth of July, okay?
Now, I'd like to take time to make
a few comments about, uh,
America's leadership position
in the post-Cold War era.
Oh, what? No.
Give me a break. Come on.
Ah, hell, I don't feel like
talkin' about that either.
Maybe we ought to reflect
on Washington and Lincoln.
I mean, they're the reason
we're here anyway, right?
What occurs to me this evening...
is, in spite of their many achievements,
they were far from perfect people.
Maybe you've been listening
to " Chris in the Morning,"
talking about Washington's failures
as a military commander.
Or maybe Lincoln's melancholia
springs to mind.
He'd go into a blue funk
for days at a time.
I guess we all have our demons-
I'll be damned.
Awfully close to the trees.
Fireworks originated
in China, you know.
Some say it was
during the Tang Dynasty.
Others say it was during
the Southern Sung.
Uh, not that it matters.
It's all right, Stan.
One spark'll set something on fire,
and that'd be a catastrophe.
Maybe.