Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Bad Seed - full transcript

Coming at you, Chris.

One Bird-in-a-Basket Special,
white meat, no wings. A.1.?

Yeah. No, no. Jerk sauce,
if you got it, please.

Sure. Chris, how come
you get so pumped...

when the cranes
blow through town?

Shel, cranes carry
this heavy mystical baggage...

you know, they're icons
of happiness and fidelity.

The Vietnamese believe that cranes cart
our souls up to heaven on their wings.

I don't know,
they just don't grab me.

Now, bears, I can take a sixer and
watch them at the dump for hours.

Yeah. Birds, they just don't cut it.



Sometimes I wish they'd find
another way to head south, you know.

'Cause I see them up there
winging it along...

and they just make me feel
more earthbound...

like the flightless bird
that I am.

Hey, hon, I'm short a quarter
for the cig machine.

Mind changing
a twenty for me?

No prob.
Thanks.

I've been digging butts,
the last 300 miles.

Hasn't even been
a decent place to squat.

Okay, here you go.

Ten, five, one, two, three,
four, and four quarters.

Thanks.
Sure.

Look at this mess. I have more junk
in this bag than Sanford and Son.

I don't believe it,
here it is!



I knew I had change.

Well, I suppose
I'll need my $20 back now.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Sorry.

Forget my head,
if it wasn't pasted on.

Forgetting something else,
aren't you, darling?

What's that?
Change from that $20.

Oh!

For crying out loud.
It's right here in my hand.

What'd I tell you?
Brain fry.

10-4.

Well...

studly,
maybe you can help me.

I'm looking for
Holling Vincoeur.

He's not here right now. He's at the
swamp, taking pictures of the cranes.

Bird watcher, huh? Dynamic.

Who are you?

Jackie Vincoeur.

Vincoeur?

That's Holling's name.

What a coincidence.

I'm his daughter.

Hey, Maurice.
What are you doing out here?

Don't you "hey" me, Chigliak.

You've got some nerve!
What's wrong?

What's wrong?
Where's Page 82?

Half of Chapter 3
is lopsided...

and Page 107 has
a big line down it.

It does?

Yes, it does. Didn't you
follow through with this?

This is
an embarrassment, here.

Gee, I'm sorry, Maurice.
Sorry.

Do you think "sorry"
landed a man on the moon...

or built the
Trans-Alaska Pipeline...

or brought oil down
from Point Barrow?

No.
No!

"Sorry" was not
in those people's vocabulary.

Do you know why? Because
they had a job to do...

and they took great pride in
doing it. Do you know what this is?

Your memoirs?

My contribution to posterity.

My gift to future generations.

I orbited the globe.

All you had to do was go to the
copying machine. And what did you do?

Fail?
Utterly.

God is in the details, Ed.

No job is too small, from
president to street sweeper.

We all pull our weight.
That's why...

Are you hearing
anything I'm saying? Ed?

Just a minute, Maurice.

Are you listening to me?
She's back!

Who?
Princess.

Princess?

Here you are, ma'am. Double
Grand Marnier, soda back.

You sure I can't interest you
in a snack after your long drive?

No, thanks, Chief.
Maybe later.

Well, God save the Queen.

With kids like hers,
she needs it.

Sit down, babe.
Now, ma'am...

Jackie.

Well, I don't mean
to be unkind, Jackie...

but I'm afraid you're mistaken.
I don't have any children.

Well, somebody's mistaken,
Chief, but it's not me.

Well, you do both kind of have
the same face, you know?

Big.

Well, Shelly, we may have the same
face, but it's not the "same" face.

Okay, let's try it this way.

Do you remember Patrice?

Patrice?
Yeah.

Who's Patrice?
You want to fill her in?

Well, Patrice, is an old friend
from many years ago, Shelly.

How is Patrice?
Mom?

Dead.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

But that's how
I found out about you.

I was going through her
strongbox after the funeral...

and I found this.

Old lady would have to die
opening day at Hialeah.

What is it?

It's a birth certificate. Look down
there under "Father. " What's it say?

"Holling Gustav Vincoeur. "
Let me see.

I got more.
Do you remember Claudine?

Patrice's sister?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, here's a letter.
It tells the whole story.

You ran off,
you died in an avalanche...

you were never any good.

And that, Chief,
is your life.

Where's the ladies'? I've
got to take a wicked tinkle.

Right over there.

There goes your own flesh
and blood Barbie, Holling.

Somebody to knit you socks
in your old age...

and send you cards
in the rest home.

Denver today?

I had ham.

Birds will be coming soon.

Better put up some more
sun-dried tomatoes.

New frying pan?
Uh-huh.

I liked the old one.

Oh?

More toast?

The old one was better.

It was aluminum.

Aluminum gives you
Alzheimer's.

Maybe...

but the bottom was copper.
Copper turns green.

Hey, Marilyn,
how you doing?

Fine.

You've got some suitcases. Uh-huh.

Where you going?
On a trip?

No.

Oh.

I need a house.

You need a house?
Uh-huh.

You're not living in your
mother's house? I moved out.

Oh.

Do you have one?
A house?

Gee, not that I can think of.
Not right offhand.

But I can make some calls.
Good.

You mean, right now?

Oh.

Okay.

Right now.
Why not? Gotcha.

Now, I have checked...

and rechecked
the blood work, Holling...

and I keep reaching the same conclusion,
that the woman is your daughter.

It can't be.

Sudden dadhood's got him kind
of spooked, Dr. Fleischman.

Holling, you and Jackie
are both AB negative...

which is an extremely
uncommon blood type.

But more than that,
your HLA's are identical.

You know, it's funny how much
you and Jackie look alike.

It's uncanny.

But...

I just don't understand.
It's got be a mistake.

Human lymphocytic antigens
are extremely different.

That is, unless, of course,
there's a kinship...

and with yours and Jackie's
there's an identical match.

Now, if you want, we can pursue
a DNA analysis in Anchorage.

But this is, "A," expensive,
and I think unnecessary.

You see, HLA testing
is 99% accurate.

It's admissible in any court
of law as proof of paternity.

Is it hot in here?
Hot?

I feel like I've got
this cinder block on my chest.

Whoa, sit down here.
I can't breathe.

Come here.

Now, look, Holling, I understand
how upsetting this must be...

to have
a full-grown daughter...

suddenly appear
out of the blue, but...

I am not
Jackie's father.

I can't be, don't you see?

I can't father children.

And why not?

Because I'm...
I'm sterile.

Sterile?
You're sterile?

Sterile.

What makes you
think that?

I don't just think it, Joel,
I know it for a fact.

When I was 17, I had the mumps. So?

Well, my, you know...

my testicles,
they ballooned up, big.

Like granny apples.

Yeah, but, Holling, there's only
a 50% chance of infertility...

with a post-adolescent
onset of mumps.

Holling, you've just been
thrown for a loop, is all.

Your little soldiers
are still armed and dangerous.

There's more.
More?

Back in the '50s,
in Manitoba...

there was this woman who was
determined to bear me a child.

Who? Well, it doesn't
matter now, Shelly.

I mean, she's in a home in Ontario. Oh.

Anyways, my friend,
unbeknownst to me...

she carried my sperm
within her to her physician.

No kidding? The doctor
called me to his office...

and he sat down
right opposite me...

just like you're sitting
there now, and he said to me...

"I've got some
very unfortunate news for you.

"I have examined your semen,
and your sperm is deformed.

"You can never, ever
father a child. "

No.

It's true.

It's interesting,
but your physician...

must have
missed something...

because Jackie is
unquestionably your daughter.

Shelly? Shelly?

Shelly!

Shelly, wait up!

Shelly, I know
it's got to be a shock.

You better believe
it's a shock!

All of a sudden, like this, to
find out that I have a daughter...

who's almost
twice as old as you are.

I love having a daughter!

Then what is it?

Is it Patrice?

Who?

Her mother. The woman
I sired Jackie with.

Oh, please.

Shelly, I was a young man.

Green and foolish. I don't care
about your other girlfriends, Holling!

I don't care if Jackie's
150! Then what is it?

You lied to me, Holling.

You thought you were sterile,
and you didn't tell me?

Yes, but... How could
you do that, Holling?

All this time I thought I was
sterile. And you let me think it.

I thought it was
for the best.

The best? The best for who?

I...
It's no secret, Shelly...

the kind of stock
that I'm made of.

The Vincoeurs are a bad lot.

We carry a bad seed.
Vicious, cruel.

I was determined to have the whole
stinking, rotten line end with me.

Well, it's one thing to be from
a line of snakes and roaches...

but to let me believe
that I was a dud?

That my womb
wouldn't bear any fruit?

Shelly... When all the time it was you!

You're the one who
couldn't get a seed planted.

You! Not me, you!

So, this is the living room.

Nice southern exposure,
good light...

and would you look at all
these electrical outlets?

Man, I wish I had a few of
these in my house. Uh-huh.

Anyway, I was thinking you could put
the kitchen table in right there...

because you're
near the kitchen...

and you have a nice view
out the window.

Uh-huh.

And the heating bill should be
pretty good with this flooring.

But you know
what, Marilyn?

You might want to replace this
and put some storm windows in...

put some sealing
around the doorway...

and some 15 insulation
up in the attic.

But, you know, you can take it
as a home improvement deduction.

Save money both ways.

Do people come visit?

Visit? The house?

Well, let's see.

John Cane lived here before.
The snowplower.

He had a nephew.

I think,
he came to visit a few times.

Oh. Where were we?

Anyway, moving on.

Big kitchen, huh?

Airy, lots of counter space,
cabinets.

Yeah, there is a little
dry rot on the sills here...

but you can take it down
with sandpaper...

put a little sealer on it,
it should be okay.

The stove? Yeah, it's
a good one, isn't it?

Four burners, self-cleaning.

And over there you have a lot of
space for a good-size refrigerator.

It makes the air nervous.

The stove?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, you know, I guess it
does need a good scrubbing.

A little Brillo and hot water,
and it'll come right back.

It should be over there.

Nervous?

And, so here we are,
back where we started.

So, Marilyn, what do you say?
Do you like it?

No.

Ah. Oh, okay.

May I ask why?

Sure.

So, I sell the junk,
a '73 Dodge Duster...

and one of those creepy
old lady cameo things...

I put my inheritance on a
20-to-1 shot from an OTB...

running muddy out of Belmont,
and he comes in.

I strung on that money
for three months.

Cool.

Oh, and then the links
on my friggin' chain broke.

You know how it is.
Mmm-hmm.

And I put my compass on north,
and here I am.

To find your long-lost dad.

Even if he is
a top ten B.S.- er.

I can handle him.

Look at him over there.
Watching me like a warden.

Now, I'm going to
show you a shot...

that you can make
a little change with.

You play this one on the boys.
And the hornier, the better.

In other words, the tighter
your jeans, the bigger the bet.

You got my drift?
Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Hey, Dave. Couple more
wet ones over here.

Okay.

Maurice, you notice anything
amiss about my daughter?

Well, she cusses
like a sailor.

Not a very flattering feminine
trait, as far as I'm concerned.

One minute she tells me that she's
selling time-shares in Reno...

the next thing I know,
she's "between jobs. "

She says she lives in Oakland. Next
thing I know, she's talking about Houston.

She asks me,
are me and Shelly married.

She wants to know
how much the bar's taking in.

Knows her way around a deck
of cards, I can tell you that.

She cleaned my clip.

And what about
this funny money?

Look, the corners
are all twenties.

But you turn it over,
it's a $1 bill.

Jackie did this? Well...

Have you noticed she looks a lot like
Shelly, only with more miles on her?

She does not look
like Shelly at all.

Well, I notice
a remarkable resemblance.

Maurice, would you excuse me
for a minute, please? Sure.

Fixed you ladies
a little something.

Wouldn't want all those beers
sloshing around on empty stomachs.

We don't want
tuna melts, Holling.

We want shrimp-in-the-baskets,
right, Jackie? Mmm-hmm.

And crisp up those fries
this time, eh, Chief?

I'll see to it
with my own hands.

Oh, and I need some change
for the jukebox.

I must have left
my cash upstairs.

Four quarters will do it.

Oh, and remind me to give you a
check for those phone calls to George.

Your bookie?
That's right, Chief.

Holling, some elbow room,
please. You're blocking my shot.

Hey, Marilyn...

guess how many sperm
in a cubic centimeter.

That's like the size
of a jelly bean.

Huh? No idea?
Fifteen million.

Fifteen million sperm.

It's like twice the population
of New York City.

We're talking about the human
reproductive system here, Marilyn.

This is fascinating stuff. What
could possibly be more compelling?

H.G.
H.G. That's right.

How's the house hunting?
Find a place? No.

Well, you've seen enough of them.
What are you looking for, anyway?

My dream house.
Your dream house?

What does that mean,
"dream house"?

Everybody has a dream house.
I don't.

No?
No.

I've always
lived in an apartment.

Austin Street, Queens,
the Upper West Side.

For a brief time,
a loft sublet in SoHo.

Hey.

O'Connell.
What can I do for you?

Lance a boil?
Remove a corn?

Well, as a matter of fact,
Fleischman, I'm here to see Marilyn.

Okay.

Marilyn, I have found
a great place.

It's a little ranch house,
just out of town.

Quiet, an acre and a half, and
there's plenty of room for a garden.

I don't think so.

But, Marilyn,
it's perfect.

There's even a two-car garage
for the ostriches.

It's a ranch.
All right.

Well, let's back up a minute.

Now, I've shown you
a number of houses...

none of which have been right.

So why don't you describe to me
exactly what you're looking for...

and I'll see
if I can find it.

It has to have two floors.

Okay.

Pointed roof.
Big vegetable garden.

Right.

Lavender kitchen. Sauna.

Okay.
Well, I'll keep looking.

I'll see
if I can find it.

Okay.
Okay.

Bye.

Cards are kind of
cold for you today, huh?

Do you want to double down,
big boy?

Payday's not
till next Thursday.

You're not going
anywhere, are you?

"Not going anywhere. "

Split them and hit me one more time.

Shelly?

Hey, get me
a margarita, Chief.

And Holling, a couple of bags of BBQ's.

Shelly, do you have any idea how much
more time you're going to be playing?

I could use a little relief at the bar.

You should have thought
of that before, Holling.

Me and Jackie are going
over to Weed Patch.

She's playing in
the big backgammon tourney.

Hey, Holling. Don't you
think they look a lot alike?

Same hair, same eyes,
same teeth.

No.
Oh.

I don't think they look
anything alike.

Plus she's got a strange way of
dealing with other people's money.

Just what are you saying?

You're a cheat,
that's what I'm saying.

You're a low-down,
no-good cheat.

Oh, is that right?
That's right!

That's your daughter
you're talking to, Holling.

Go on...

say it, you big hick.

You overgrown hillbilly.

You miserable excuse of a man!

Why, I ought to...
Go on, go on!

You've been wanting to give me a
knot on my head for a long time.

Take your best shot!
Go on, do it!

What are you, chicken?

I...

I'm sorry.

What a wimp.

Here you go, Princess.

Some nice tasty mealworms to
fatten you up for your journey.

Oh, I never really seen
one of these...

cranes up close, you know.

It's true, they really
look at you like...

they're reading your mind,
you know?

What do you think, Princess,
any birds in my past lives?

You know, Chris, I remember
when I used to feed her...

mashed worms with a turkey
baster when she was just a baby...

right here
in the palm of my hand.

How'd you guys meet up again?
Oh, I was down at the lagoon...

collecting mosquitoes
for my extensive collection...

and there were
a bunch of cranes there...

and she just came
right on over.

Good vibes.
Yep.

Then I tried to get her to
leave, but she wouldn't go away.

Like she thought I was
her mother, or something.

And now on every migration,
she just stops by for a visit.

Like a cross-species thing,
huh?

You know, that guy
down in Pensacola...

he fell in love with a dolphin.
I don't know if he tied the knot...

but he bought some beachfront
property, and, you know...

she kept her last name.

Hey, look, Ed,
we got some company.

Come here, birdy, come here!
Hey, big fella!

Flap those big wings
on over here.

Come here, we got some
fresh mealworms for you!

No, Chris,
don't encourage him.

Why not?
Well...

look at the way
he's looking at her.

What way is that, Ed?

Well, he's giving her
the eye.

No kidding. You can
tell that? You can't?

No, not really.
Are you sure?

Yeah.

She's too young
to go steady, Chris.

Well, I don't know, Ed. That
Romeo over there doesn't think so.

I mean, it's got to
happen sometime, you know.

All these birds are
flying by two-by-two...

and Princess here
is all alone.

Well, that's true.

Don't be shy, girl.

That guy just needs a little
encouragement. Come on.

Nope. See,
she won't go.

Well, a girl can't
be too picky these days.

Cranes mate
for life, Chris.

Yeah, big commitment for
a first date. Oh, yes.

Make a mistake, you get into
divorce lawyers, community property.

It's a mess.

Chris in the morning
on KBHR.

Got a couple of billboard items
here from the KBHR billboard.

Ravioli workshop at the
Theosophy Society this weekend...

bring your own ravi-roller.

Steelhead are running on the
upper fork of the Chuckamuck.

Ooh, that's exciting.

Greg George
wants everybody to know...

his wife Jenny is recovering
quite nicely after their blowout.

Guess everybody
probably knows by now...

our avian brothers
are back to roost...

on the first leg of their
annual sojourn south.

Why them and not us?

Maybe it's because
us humans...

are meant to be rooted
in one spot.

1978, Wheeling,
West Virginia...

nice autumn day,
just like this one.

It was like a genetic calling.

Every fiber of my being was
saying, "Chris, follow the sun. "

But did I listen? No.

Couple of weeks later...

I'm pinched for boosting
records with the Joy King.

They slapped
this sorry bird in a cage...

with no swing and no window.

Now here I am, many miles,
many years later...

an alleged free man...

facing another cold, cold,
bitter winter.

Am I heading south?
Am I following the sun?

No, I'm not.

Is this glass radio booth,
any less of a cage?

Here's one from me.

Hey, Ed.
What's up?

Chris, I don't know
what to do.

Well, join the club.

I mean, I tried to be
a good influence to Princess.

I raised her
the best way I knew how.

Gave her
everything she needed...

mashing her insects,
keeping her warm.

And when she went and flew south
with the rest of her flock...

well, I figured
my job was complete.

Well, it is.

You know, you did a fine job.
She's an excellent bird.

No, I don't think so, Chris.

She's all confused.
She doesn't know who she is.

You were right. She
should be mated right now.

She should have
a family of her own.

What does she do?
Follows me around.

Well, Ed, maybe she's
just a late bloomer.

This morning, I tried to fix it
up between her and the guy bird.

Mmm-hmm.

Dug some fresh worms...

lured him over to her.

What'd she do?
Turns up her nose.

Couldn't relate at all.

Hmm.

Yeah, you know
what I'm afraid of?

She's gonna end up
a lonely geek...

just like Liza Minelli.

In The Sterile Cuckoo.

Oh, oh.
Yeah.

Did you try
the crane dance?

Crane dance?

Yeah, it's an ancient
Indian ritual.

It is?
Oh, yeah.

Indians like yourself
do it all the time.

We have?

Yeah. Ed, you gotta...

You gotta get your bird up, and
you gotta dance with her, you know.

You gotta flip the switch on
her hormonal motor, you know?

Chris, I never
heard of that.

Ed, she will be
strutting her stuff so fast...

that Romeo won't know
what hit him, man, believe me.

Hmm.

Yeah, come in.

Joel?
Hey, Holling.

You wanted to see me?
Yeah. Come on in.

Grab a seat.

Can I get you anything?
Coffee? Water?

No, I'm fine, Joel.

Okay.

Well, I just wanted to,
you know...

check in,
see how things are going.

I mean, you've had some pretty
traumatic changes in your life, huh?

Well, yes.
I appreciate that, Joel.

And the truth is,
it's been very unnerving.

And you were absolutely right.
I mean, Jackie is...

a true Vincoeur,
through and through.

And her presence here...

has confirmed my worst fears
about our lineage.

She drinks to excess,
she smokes, she cusses...

she gambles, and I believe she
cheats. And she's no good for Shelly.

She's a terrible influence
on her.

I mean, Shelly came home
in the wee hours...

she was stinking of bourbon
and tobacco...

and Shelly doesn't smoke.
And I know what she's doing.

I can't altogether
blame her for it.

I mean, she's trying to get
back at me for being sterile.

Or not sterile. Or...

Well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, actually it's exactly what
I wanted to talk to you about.

What is it, Joel?

Well, I've been discussing your case
with some andrologists Back East.

Now, these are
specialists in the field...

and we all find this
rather compelling.

I mean, you're diagnosed as
sterile and then you sire a child.

It's...

you know, it's a
confusing situation.

Yes, it is.

Well, with your cooperation, I'd like
to explore your case a little further.

Well, I appreciate that, Joel.

Excellent. That's exactly what I
was hoping you were going to say.

Now first thing we're gonna
need is a sample.

Come again?
No, once'll be sufficient.

We need to look at some
of your sperm. Sperm?

Yeah. Just head on in there and
relax, and we'll see what's what.

You mean...
Right.

You want me to...
Yeah.

Oh, no, Joel. I...

I don't do... I can't. Hey,
Holling, it's not a problem. Look.

I've got some Penthouses here.

We got, December, November.

Don't worry about it.

Good luck.

Joel.
Yeah, Holling?

This may take a while.

Take as long as you need.

48, 49, 50.

51, 3, 5.

Okay, that balances.

Vienna sausages.

We used to eat these things till
they were oozing out our ears.

You and your mom?

No, me and my two kids.
Oh.

Of course, they're grown now.
They're into the long con.

Aluminum siding,
pyramid sales.

Excuse me. Can I help
you girls find anything?

Oh, no, thanks.
We're just window shopping.

Take your time.

So, let me
ask you something, hon.

What about Holling?
How does he do at The Brick?

You mean money-wise?
For starters, yeah.

Well, okay, I guess.
Like, how much?

Well, I really
don't know.

After I lost $4,000 on the
Home Shopping Network...

I told him he better keep
the keys to the bank. $4,000.

That's real cash.

He works a lot of hours.

Squirrels it away, does he?

I'll say.

Maybe he's not
as slow as he looks.

I think I'll pick him up
these kipper snacks.

He loves them
on saltines with mustard.

Let me, hon.
Thanks, Jackie.

My pleasure.

Could I have change for
this $20, please? Oh, sure.

A tenner, two fives okay?
Yeah, fine.

There you are.
Oh, thanks.

Can I have some singles,
please? Oh, certainly.

Okay. Here we go.

That's one, two,
three, four, five.

I gave you $10.

Did you?
Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry. Will $5
be okay? Mmm-hmm, fine.

You know what? Here...

take these singles,
and give me back the $10.

Wait a minute. Here, take the
$5. Let's start all over again.

Give me back my $20, and I'd
like these kippers, please. Here.

I'm sorry. I just
lost track for a moment.

It happens. Thanks.

Come on, Shel, let's hit it.

Bye, Ruth-Anne.

Bye, dear.

Jackie...

did you just pull a fast one
on Ruth-Anne? Oh, of course not.

Here's the Chief's kippers.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Whirlwind.
It's Maggie!

Hello, Maggie.
How are you today?

Fine, thank you. How's
the fall pickling coming?

Done cabbage yesterday.
Put up 50 quarts this year.

Now that's a lot of cabbage.
You had a good season.

Gonna do beets tomorrow. Pickled
beets. Those are my favorite.

You know, Mrs. Whirlwind,
the past couple of days...

I've been showing Marilyn
some properties around town.

Yes, I know.
And...

she hasn't really liked
anything I've shown her...

and I've shown her
some really nice properties...

and I'm beginning
to run out of ideas.

She's hard to please.

No, see, I don't think
she wants another house.

I think she likes
this house.

I don't think she really wanted
to leave in the first place.

She's not coming back.

Are you sure?
Yes.

She feels she has no say here.

Well, you don't think you two
could have a mother-daughter talk?

You know, work things through,
iron out your differences...

make some
new ground rules maybe.

It's too late.
Why?

I'm selling my house.
You're selling your house?

But Mrs. Whirlwind, you and your
family have lived here for years.

With Marilyn gone, we feel we
don't need such a big place.

We're getting an Airstream
near my sister.

We use a number of parameters
to evaluate a sperm sample, okay?

There's density, morphology,
motility, viscosity and volume.

Jackie's everything I feared,
and more.

She's my worst nightmare
come to haunt me.

You gave me a nice, hefty
ejaculate, Holling. Very impressive.

Five cc's. In the highest
range of the volume spectrum.

Especially for a man your age.

And your semen liquefied immediately,
which means that your viscosity is fine.

And worst of all,
she'll ruin Shelly.

All that childlike innocence
and beauty will vanish.

As you will see, your density
rules out azoospermia...

which is the absence of sperm, or even
oligospermia, which is a reduced presence.

Now, that's what would've
happened had there been damage...

from your post-pubertal
onset of mumps.

Maybe it's too late.
Maybe it's happened already.

So this left me with
morphology and motility...

which is the shape and the
movement of the sperm, and that...

is where your problem lies.

I'm telling you, Joel,
the damage is done.

Once a Vincoeur
gets his claws into you...

it's over. You're finished.
Holling.

Holling, I'm talking to you
about your ejaculate.

My what?
Your sperm. Come here.

Have a seat.

Feast your eyes.
This is the focus right here.

Those are my sperm?

That is the marshalling of your genetic
forces awaiting the call to battle.

They look all bent and broken.

They look like General Robert E. Lee's
troops after the Battle of Gettysburg.

Yeah, it's interesting,
isn't it?

I mean, every man has some abnormally
shaped sperm, anywhere to 50%.

But yours are, like,
abnormally abnormal.

Shouldn't they be
moving around?

Absolutely.
And with vigor.

I mean, when you think
of the distance...

that a sperm has to
travel in the woman...

it's comparable to me jogging from
midtown Manhattan to Miami Beach.

Well, why do these little
buggers look so tuckered out?

Well, my best guess is... It's a
condition called varicocele, okay?

Now, in layman's terms, what it means
is that your testicles are too hot.

See, the scrotum is a very
sophisticated thermal regulator.

It's designed to keep the
semen at a constant 93 degrees.

Now, normally
it does it's job...

but when you get too much blood
flowing from the abdomen...

as I think it does
in your case...

the gonads overheat, and the
semen, in essence, is cooked.

Well, then,
why did Jackie happen?

Well, this is what I'm
getting at. Take another look.

What am I supposed to be
looking at here, Joel?

The upper left-hand quadrant,
swimming to your right.

Oh, my gosh, that's an
active little devil. Right?

Wiggling around
to beat of the band.

That's the guy, Holling,
that's him. One in a million.

Now, one guy just like that fertilized
the egg, and that is how you got Jackie.

One in a million.
Yeah.

Oh, my... Shelly...

those ambrosia salads
are very...

pretty.

Can I get you some more
whipped topping?

Okay.

Here are two cans.
Thanks.

Hope I didn't put too many
marshmallows in it again this time.

Oh, no.

Shelly, your ambrosia salads
are one of the most...

popular items on our menu.

Many of the customers, on several
occasions, have commented to me...

on their appreciation
of your fine salads.

Really?
Oh, yes.

Shelly, sweetheart...

please...

you've got to forgive me.

You've just got to understand
how very sorry I am.

I couldn't live inside my
own skin if I thought...

that you thought I could ever
mean to cause you suffering.

But I've known how much you
wanted to have babies some day...

and I was afraid that if I
told you about my sterility...

that you...

would no longer think
of me as a manly man...

and one day I would wake up in
the morning, and you'd be gone.

Yeah, I know.

You know?
Sure.

But you're not shooting
blanks, so, no sweat.

It's just, poor Jackie.
Poor Jackie?

When I think about her
growing up dadless...

not even knowing
who her real father was.

I mean, my dad
used to take a vacation...

from the trailer
from time to time...

but he was there
when I got my ears pierced...

and he was there when
I totaled Tammy's GTO.

Then there's Jackie.

Alone.

But still, she's a piece
of bad news, Holling.

Jackie?

I've seen the good,
the bad and the ugly...

but your little girl
wrote the book.

Yeah?
Jackie?

Who is it?
Holling.

May I come in?

Door's open.

I'd like a word with
you, Jackie. Shoot, Chief.

Get your shoes off the
bedspread, turn off the music...

and don't call me Chief.

Whoa.

What bee flew in your fly?

Jackie, a man dreams
of having children.

Well, most men do, anyway.

A son who will
carry his name...

take his place in the world,
and a daughter.

And here you are, my child...

my daughter, big as life.

Got that part right.

Jackie, I would like to have
given you a home.

To have provided
for your needs...

to have taken my rightful
place as your father...

but as you know,
I never knew you existed.

Frankly, meeting you
was a tremendous blow.

Cut to the chase, Chief.

I wanted to deny you,
Jackie, to reject you.

But...

that's changed.
I accept you.

I recognize you
as my own...

and I want you to leave. Now. What?

I look at you, my daughter,
and I feel nothing towards you.

Nothing parental...

nothing familial.
Nothing.

I'm like an empty bottle, with just
a few bitter drops of venom inside.

Tell me something.

Why did you
come back here, Jackie?

What do you want from me?
Money.

Money? Is that all?

I'm a Vincoeur.

You know what that makes me.

How much?

Wait till you see this one,
Marilyn. It's two stories...

insulated garage for your
ostriches, big garden.

Sun?
Mmm-hmm, plenty.

And wait till
you see the kitchen.

It's big and bright...

and there's a built-in
microwave, and walk-in pantry.

Does it have
a root cellar?

Mmm-hmm. A big one.

My mother's house?

Yeah. It is.

Looks smaller than I remember.

She's selling it?
Mmm-hmm.

Pretty much
in your price range, too.

Needs painting.

Yeah, but it's
a great location.

Railing's wobbly.

We can fix that.
Couple of nails.

Well, what
do you think, Marilyn?

I'll take it.

Good.

Enough hot water
for your bath, Shelly?

Steeped like a tea bag. I'll
be down in a minute, hon.

I just can't do anything
with my hair.

Oh, there's no need to rush.
It's a slow one tonight.

Or maybe it just feels
nice and easy...

with that Jackie gone.

How's this?
Very pretty.

Shows your clean little ears.

Maybe I should
just chop it off.

Sassy says
short's in for fall.

Oh, no, Shelly,
don't do that.

I like your hair just the way it
is. The way it gets in my teeth...

and tickles my nose.

Maybe just goose up
the highlights a bit.

Streak it electric blue.

You know, Dave could probably
handle the dinner traffic downstairs.

It's chili night.
There's not much grill work.

What have you got on your
mind, Holling Vincoeur?

Oh, well,
I don't know.

I know a couple of things that
would keep your grill sizzling.

Why don't you take a seat
right over there?

Why don't you come sit with me? Okay.

Here I come,
my big teddy bear.

Oh, Shelly...

Mmm, you smell so good.

It's called Palomino.
I like it.

It's been a long time,
hasn't it?

Three whole days.

Just a second, babe.

This is for you.

"Johnny's Raincoat"?

It's the candy-striped kind.

But, Shelly, we've never
used condoms before.

Well, we never knew
about Jackie before. True.

I like your new house,
Marilyn.

Thank you.

I mean, it's...

It's a lot like
your old house, only...

Different.
Right. Yeah.

I mean different.
More potatoes?

Oh, yeah, please.

These are actually
quite delicious.

There's salt...

butter...

nutmeg, maybe?

Salt.

It's funny that
a lot of people actually...

associate potatoes
with the Irish.

Potato soup, Potato Famine.
They're a New World discovery.

Yeah.

It was the Peruvian Indians that
introduced potatoes to the Spanish.

Did you know that?
Yes, I did, Fleischman.

I remember
Mr. Gerber's biology class.

We had this fish tank in the
middle of the classroom...

and the man would
stick his hand...

in, up to his elbow, and...

pull it out, covered with algae. Now, this
was just to get a rise out of the girls.

Never forget
my first dissection.

Any of you ever
dissect a frog?

I like frog.

Breaded with paprika.

Yeah.
Tastes just like chicken.

You feel that, Ed?

What?
Winter.

It's a while away, man,
but I can tell it's coming.

I can smell it. I can almost take a
bite out of it, likes it's a steel bar.

You can kind of taste it.
Yeah.

Same thing every year,
you know.

I can tell it's coming, man.
It just makes me wanna run...

book it south.
It's like an instinct.

Hey, why don't you winter
down south in Florida...

like those old folks
in Cocoon?

I guess I'll weather out
a few more winters here...

you know, like the song says
- Shh!

There she is, Princess.

Just like you said.

Come on.

Don't move too fast,
or you'll spook her.

How you doing,
doll face?

You got
your party dress on?

It's time for this gal
to fly with the guys, Ed.

Yeah, I know.

What do we do now?

Well, Ed,
now we dance.

How?

With abandon.