Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 4, Episode 22 - Kaddish, for Uncle Manny - full transcript
Joel's Uncle Manny dies and the people of Cicely join forces to locate ten other Jews for his kaddish.
Good morning, Cicely.
Chris in the Morning.
And Bernard in the Morning...
bringing you a double shot of
Talking Tunes for a misty Monday.
Brother Bernard's up for some R and
R following another tough tax season.
I may be looking a little frayed
around the edges, a little rough...
but it's nothing some serious
trout fishing won't cure.
Amen to that, brother.
No way, look who's here.
The Miller boys!
Hey, they look familiar.
Of course they do. It's Tommy
and Bobby from West Virginia, man.
You know, the guys
that tried to nail me...
with that extradition order. Huh?
The old Miller-Stevens
blood feud. Who's he?
Oh, sorry, fellows. This is my
brother, Bernard. Your brother?
Yeah, it's a long story. What are
you guys doing up here in Alaska?
We heard how you dodged
Teddy's warrant.
We figured it was time
to even the score.
You guys came all the way
to Alaska to fight me?
Yep. We're figuring on kicking your
ass all the way from here to Florida.
What's it going to be? Fists,
conventional weapons, what?
No, listen, Tommy here just served
out a three to five on assault...
he don't want to do
no more time no more.
All right, well,
when you want to get down?
It's been a long trip, Stevens.
Right, right. Why don't you
take some time, chill out...
you know, take a day, take two, man.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me, fellas.
You're not serious about
fighting these guys, are you?
Oh, you...
Guys, is it cool if my brother,
Bernard, gets in on the action?
What, me? He really kin?
Absolutely.
Sure. Why not?
Okay, all right.
This great, huh?
Next!
Doctor.
Boy, I don't believe this.
I'm up till 2:00 a. M. In
Yellowknife treating flu victims.
I actually have to go back
there. Now it's spread here?
No. No?
What do you mean? These
people don't have the flu?
No.
What do they have?
They're not patients.
What are they? Dancers.
Dancers? I need a new partner.
What is this, one of your
Indian dance contest things?
Cajun two-step. Cajun?
Like in bayou?
Jambalaya, and rice and beans, and
crawfish jumbo, this kind of Cajun?
Came in second last year.
Yeah? Well, what happened
to your old partner?
I fired him. He didn't want it enough.
Hello. Hi, can you just hold one sec?
I don't understand something. How
come I don't see you dancing here?
I watch them move.
Oh, you watch them move.
Go on. Hi, I'm sorry.
This is Dr. Fleischman.
Stop.
Aunt Helen, how are you?
Yeah, hold on one second.
I'm going to change phones.
Just one second.
Here, just hang up when I say.
Next.
Marilyn, you can hang up.
Thank you. Next.
Thank you. Next.
My Uncle Manny passed away.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
So, Millers have been fighting
Stevens since the Civil War?
Oh, since before the Civil War, man.
It all started when our great-granddaddy
shot a Miller in the neck...
left him with a permanent
list starboard.
Yeah, but Chris,
that was a long time ago.
What happened to
"Let bygones be bygones"?
Two sirloins, bloody.
Two large OJs
and two orders of spaghetti.
But, Shelly, we didn't order this.
It's on the house. Holling says you
boys need to bulk up for the rumble.
Pays to have home field advantage, huh?
Hey, thank the big H for us. Will do.
It's been a long time, Bernard, since
these knuckles have laid open a Miller.
You get to miss it like...
Oh, the feel, man,
of splitting flesh...
the taste of salty blood in your mouth.
Doesn't that sound
a little primitive to you?
Oh, yeah, it's totally primitive.
You know,
that's what makes it so great.
It's back to the caves,
right brain all the way.
Yeah, but somebody
could get hurt. Badly.
Hopefully.
Bernard, to inflict pain,
to receive pain...
it's all part of the package, man.
There's
no getting away from human nature.
'Cause you can dress it up anyway
you want. Anthropologically...
we're only a nanosecond
away from spears,
loincloths, and sleeping
up in the trees.
I don't write the facts,
I just repeat them.
Hey, Dr. Fleischman.
How are you doing, Ed?
Are you feeling okay?
My Uncle Manny passed away.
Oh.
We used to spend Sundays together.
He didn't have any kids,
so he kind of adopted me.
We would listen to Yankee
games and we'd play gin rummy.
It's wild, you know.
It's like I can still picture him...
sitting in front of his window there...
loading his little pipe.
He had this great Amphora Tobacco.
Are you gonna go to the funeral?
No, it's in Florida.
Oh.
I told my Aunt Helen I'd say Kaddish.
What's a Kaddish?
Kaddish is a Jewish prayer
for the dead.
Oh.
Only problem is,
you need a minyan to say it.
What's a minyan?
It's 10 Jewish males, 13 or older...
or actually, most places now
it can be women.
But I'm not exactly sure how
Uncle Manny would feel about that.
He was raised Orthodox.
Why do you need a minyan?
I don't know.
You know, nine guys on a
field to play baseball...
and 10 Jews in a room to say Kaddish.
I don't know where
I'm going to find a minyan.
Is something wrong, Marilyn?
No. Keep walking.
Go.
Stop.
Turn right.
Stop.
Marilyn, I- Pick up the pretzels.
You'll do.
Double liver and onions,
double western omelet.
Could we get another pitcher, please?
You got it. Want me to clear this
lasagna? I'm still working on it.
Cool. Hey, major guns, boys. Thanks.
Hi, Shelly. Hey, babe, where you been?
I've got orders backing up all over.
I've been dancing. Well,
moving would be more like it.
What?
Marilyn says I've got natural ability.
Ability for what? Moving.
She wants me to practice.
Practice what?
Well, walking, bending, reaching,
you know, generally moving.
Why?
I'm gonna be her partner
in the Cajun Dancing Contest.
Marilyn picked you to be
her partner? She did, indeed.
But you don't dance, Holling.
I haven't danced, Shelly.
But Marilyn says she's got a knack
for discovering hidden talent.
She says I got a streak a
mile wide. How did she put it?
"You've got natural
two-step greatness."
Can you imagine that? "Greatness."
Of course, I've got
to practice like the devil...
in order to realize
my full potential, she says.
She's got her own method
and everything.
Order up!
Can you get that for me, Shelly?
I've got to do some moving, you know,
while it's still fresh in my mind.
Yeah, sure, babe.
Hello?
Fleischman, you here? Yeah.
Hey. Hey.
Can I come in? Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks.
Oh...
I was supposed to reorder
your iron, wasn't I? I'm sorry.
No, no, no, Fleischman, that's
not why I came here, really.
I heard about your uncle. I'm sorry.
Oh, well, thanks.
What's this?
It's just some old family stuff
that I never really unpacked.
This your uncle? Yeah.
It's me and Manny
in front of Yankee Stadium.
Look at you! Now, I didn't
know you wore braces.
Yeah.
Fifth grade.
Wow.
It's my first Yankee game.
Thurman Munson hit a homer off of
Jim Palmer to win it in the ninth.
And what about this? Where's this?
That was my bar mitzvah.
It was at my cousin's 'cause
they had this big yard out back.
Who's this?
That's Manny and Helen.
Hmm.
What's this?
This was the stuff
I wore at my bar mitzvah.
This is a tallith. It's a prayer
shawl. It's beautiful, isn't it?
This is beautiful.
And this is a yarmulke. This is what
you wear on your head, obviously.
Wow.
Yeah, he brought this stuff
back from Israel for me.
He helped me memorize my Torah portion.
So, we spent quite a few hours
together. I don't remember any of it.
Well, look, Fleischman, if
you need anything, call me.
Thanks, O'Connell. Sure.
Good night.
I haven't been this pumped since,
I don't know, 12 years, man.
Last time I took on Bobby
Miller at the Grove Drive-in.
We were...
It was a draw, you know...
I got a broken nose, I took out his
front teeth with an elbow to the jaw.
Chris, this, I...
Get your hand back in that pickle jar.
Is this really necessary?
Nothing like pickle brine to toughen
up the skin, man, harden the knuckles.
Listen, when we go in, I want
to stay on the left, you know...
because I don't want to crowd my
roundhouse. You know what I mean?
Yeah. This is all
pretty new to me, so...
What do you mean?
I've never been in a fight.
Ha-ha-ha, very funny.
No, really, I haven't.
Come on, man, you're a Stevens.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, well, I haven't.
What, you never sent a guy
to the hospital before?
Got your own bridgework,
all your own teeth, right?
Right.
I don't believe this. Well, it's true.
I can't believe this, man. It's
like, Richard Petty's kid saying:
"I've never been behind a wheel
of a bored-out Chevy before."
I'm just not a fighter.
No. No, don't say that, man.
It's probably just a gene
that's gone awry, you know.
Chris, I may put you at a disadvantage.
Maybe we should just
call this whole thing off.
No. No, no, no, no, no. You're gonna
be great, man. You're gonna be fine.
Look, to be honest with you, Chris,
those gorillas really scare me.
It's scary the first time,
you know. It's like...
That bell rings, though, and your
body, man, it just takes over, you know.
Everything slows down like in one
of those chopsocky movies, man.
You see that fist coming at you.
You can count every hair
on that knuckle.
And you don't think, your body just
takes over, man. You slip a jab.
A couple pops to the head.
And then you finish him off, bam, man!
Knee to the groin, down he goes...
eyes rolling back in his head
like window shades.
It's the best feeling in the world.
Bernard...
you're not on the horns
of a moral dilemma, are you?
No, no, no. I'm just
thinking about the pain.
Oh, yeah.
The pain is real. Pain hurts.
But the pain can be good.
I don't know, Chris.
Oh, man, we've been given a gift.
Why do you think that the Millers
showed up here when they did?
I mean, they could have appeared
at any time, but why now?
Why?
So that I can actually be there
when my brother loses his cherry.
As close as we are today...
tomorrow when we come back
from that battlefield...
we will be as close as
two men can possibly be.
Sharing a bond that can only be forged
in the face of imminent disfigurement.
"We few, we happy few,
we band of brothers
"For he today
that sheds his blood with me
"Shall be my brother."
Hey, Bernard, Chris.
Well, now that
we're finally all here...
Sorry. Sorry.
...I guess we can begin.
As you all know, Fleischman's
Uncle Morty died this week.
Uncle Manny.
I believe it was Uncle Manny.
Well, whatever.
Anyway, Fleischman wants to say
the traditional mourner's prayer...
but he can't do it
without nine more Jews.
Why not?
Well, how should I know,
Shelly? Do I look like Tevye?
Who?
Fiddler on the Roof.
Oh.
Well, you see, Shelly...
the minyan thing is so that the
mourner doesn't go it alone, you know...
in the time of grief.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well,
the bottom line is...
Fleischman needs nine more
Hebrews on his team.
So I've decided that I will
pay $100 plus expenses...
for any bona fide member
of the Jewish faith...
who will come here
and pray with Fleischman.
That's mighty generous of you, Maurice.
But I doubt you could find 10 Jewish
people within 2,000 miles of Cicely.
I guess that's where we
come in. That's precisely it.
Now open your packets
and look in there.
You'll see that I have
assigned each of you...
a sector of the map.
If we find only 0.67 worshippers...
within each sector...
we'll come in one over the limit.
I think that's a statistically
feasible target, don't you?
How do we know if someone's Jewish?
Now that is a very good
question, Shelly.
Anybody got an answer to that?
No? Well...
the tip of the penis used to be
a pretty accurate yardstick...
but with the proliferation
of circumcision...
it's no longer a valid form of ID.
Now, right here is a picture...
of what used to be considered
your typical Jewish person.
But if that stereotype was ever
valid, you can see, it no longer is.
Say hi to Issur Danielovitch.
Wow, Hercules was Jewish.
Oh, that's Spartacus, Shelly.
Well, actually, Kirk Douglas.
Oh.
Maurice, what about
last names, you know?
Schwartz, Cohen, Levine. Seinfeld.
Well, last names would be...
your primary clue.
And I've compiled
a list of them right here.
Of course, it's not
comprehensive, by any means.
Where are we gonna find
these names, Maurice?
I mean, outside the telephone book?
Well, Holling, your Jewish people
are a lot like your Chinese people...
only with a sense of humor.
They value family,
tradition, education.
They tend to go toward the professions.
When I blasted off into space...
I was very happy to have a lot of
Goldfarbs and Finkelsteins
at the button.
Although, none of them
got into a Mercury capsule.
Now, nobody said this
is gonna be easy, people.
You got to get out there
and beat the bushes.
But we've got until
1800 hours on Friday.
So let's move. Dismissed.
Can we keep these pens?
Certainly, yeah.
Hey, Cicely, KBHR is looking
for a few good Jews.
That's right. This is Chris
in the Morning with an APB...
for any and all children of Abraham...
who can sit shiva with our own Dr. Joel
Fleischman, in honor of his Uncle Manny.
If you're Jewish within
the sound of my voice...
why don't you give a holler
to the KBHR hotline?
Qualified participants will receive
a travel allowance, honorary stipend...
plus room and board
at The Sourdough Inn...
Cicely's four-star bed and breakfast
operated by your hosts, Ron and Erick.
Why don't you drop on by, say Kaddish,
and have the Cicely experience?
Hey, Joel!
Hey, Maurice, you got a minute?
Make it quick, Fleischman. I'm right
up into my ass in logistics here.
Okay.
I guess you and I have had
our differences in the past...
and, I mean, to tell you the truth...
I've always thought of you as some
loud-mouthed, unprincipled bigot.
I mean, you've threatened me
physically on numerous occasions.
You're making me serve
another year of bondage here...
through highly
unethical means, I might add.
All right, what the hell
is your point, Fleischman?
I guess what I'm trying
to say is that...
nothing in our prior relationship...
has prepared me for this gesture.
And I just would
like you to know that...
my uncle was...
He was a really
important figure in my life...
and this would have meant a lot
to him and it means a lot to me.
Fleischman, I'm responsible
for bringing you here...
and the way I see it, as long
as you keep us reasonably well...
I have a reciprocal obligation
to keep you mentally stable.
Yeah, well, I don't think reciprocity
has anything to do with it.
I think it's...
I don't know. But it's great and I
just want you to know I appreciate it.
You're welcome.
Quick, slow, slow, quick, quick.
Not so heavy. Heavy? What do you mean?
Make the floor your friend. Use it.
Use it?
Right!
Good.
My bladder is about to back up
on me. Could I have a minute?
Take five.
Hey, Shelly, this is really fun.
Great, babe. He moves like an elk.
Holling? Uh-huh.
Is that good? Very good.
I always thought H had two left feet.
He's still thinking too much.
He needs to release the dancer inside.
Inside where?
Inside himself.
Oh.
Okay, Marilyn, let's do some
two-steppin'. Watch this, hon.
Quick, quick. Slow, slow.
Quick, quick. Slow, slow.
That's it.
Yeah, it's open.
Ed, you actually knocked.
Yeah, guess I did. Sorry.
It's all right. Want some dinner? I
got SpaghettiO's and Sliced Franks.
No, thank you. Yeah?
It's not bad, actually.
I found one. One what?
A Jewish person. You did? Where?
Well, I was driving back
from Douglas Junction...
and there he was hitching by the road.
What, his car broke down or something?
No. He was just hitching.
You found a Jew hitching?
Uh-huh.
It's impossible. Jews don't hitch.
Well, he's right outside.
Do you want to meet him?
For real? Yeah.
Well, yeah, by all means. Don't
make him stand out in the cold.
Come on in, Buck. Buck?
That's his name.
Buck Schoen, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Joel Fleischman.
Hey. Shane?
That's right.
That's kind of unusual, isn't it?
It's German. S-c-h-o-e-n.
Oh.
Buck's a lumberjack when he's working.
Would you excuse us just one second?
You can just hang out.
You don't have to go outside.
Ed, I hate to look a gift horse in the
mouth, but someone's pulling your leg.
What do you mean, Dr. Fleischman?
What I mean is, that man
is definitely not a Jew.
He's not? No. Look at him.
Jews don't wear red suspenders.
They don't slobber tobacco in
their beard, they don't hitch...
and they definitely
don't have names like Buck.
Oh. Well, his real name's Leon.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
Well, we'll see about that.
Buck.
Look, I don't have any
doubts or anything
and, you know, don't
take this in any way...
but I kind of made
a promise to my rabbi.
So I was wondering, would
you mind reciting the Sh'ma?
Huh.
Where'd you grow up?
Cleveland. Well, Shaker, actually.
Oh, Shaker Heights?
Yeah, I had a lab partner who
grew up in Shaker Heights as well.
He said it was like a Midwest
version of Scarsdale.
Not my bag.
You said meals come
with the package, right?
Oh, yes. Per diem also.
Cash on the barrelhead?
Oh, yeah. We'll stop by Maurice's
office right on the way out of town.
Oh, see you later, Dr. Fleischman.
Yeah.
Two down, eight to go.
All right, thanks, Ed. See you later.
See you, Buck. Yeah.
And, hey, Buck. Tonight's the spaghetti
feed at The Brick. All
you can eat, $2.50.
I love roadwork, man. Rhythmic
pounding in the joints. Feels good, huh?
Oh, God. I think I've got blisters.
Hey, how you guys doing?
Find everything all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Good. Beer with breakfast,
man, reminds me of home.
There's something about
you guys. You look familiar.
Have we met before?
You ever done time at Marion? Nope.
You ever run cigarettes along I-95?
Uh-uh.
I've got it.
I had this reoccurring nightmare...
that I'm being chased
by rednecks with sheets.
But I keep running and running
and they stay on my tail like MIGs.
You are the guys. You're
the two that try to lynch me.
Yeah, all along I thought it was
this racial anxiety nightmare...
but it turns out to be a
family thing. How about that?
Wow.
Hey, Holling! Another round
for my landsmen here, huh?
Coming right up.
Boy, somebody's stoked this morning.
I had a breakthrough
last night, Shelly.
I was having trouble
with this reverse twirl.
So, Marilyn stops the music...
and she gives me what she calls
her "silver dollar move"...
that she'd been saving just in case.
I tell you.
One minute with that move...
we are twirling around that
room like nobody's business.
Is that a fact? Yes, ma'am.
You know, Shel, when I dance with
Marilyn I feel lighter than air.
Hey, Dave? Yes, Shelly.
Can I ask you a question? Sure.
What do you think
about the way Holling moves?
The way he moves?
Uh-huh.
Well, I think he moves pretty good.
Really? Yeah.
Do you think he's sexy? Sexy?
Sure.
Hmm.
Say, "Ah." Ah.
Ah. Ah.
Yeah, well...
Fred, of course, you can't swallow.
Your glands are the size of golf balls.
Are you busy, Joel?
Well, yeah, actually. I have
someone here I want you to meet.
This is Nigel Axelrod.
He's one of your people.
Hi.
Delighted to meet you, Dr. Fleischman.
Though I regret it has to be under
such unfortunate circumstances.
Nigel works for British
Petroleum up in Prudhoe.
Chemical engineer. I've
worked all over the globe.
Egypt, Venezuela, North Sea.
He calls himself The Wandering Jew.
My little joke.
I found him through a friend
in the Audubon Society.
Oh, are you a bird person, doctor?
Oh, no, I'm afraid not. Pity.
And he also has someone else
who can pray with you.
Hal Greenbaum, geologist
in our Anchorage office.
He's hoping to hitch a ride
over in the company chopper.
Really?
Reminds me of when I was in
North Yemen a few years back.
My sister-in-law died.
You can imagine my distress.
Yemen is not exactly Tel Aviv.
But I ran into a tribe of nomads...
well, I took the chaps
for Bedouins initially.
Turns out they're
as kosher as you or I.
It worked out
quite well in the end, really.
Well, come on, Nigel, let's go.
I want to show him our Siberian
Tits before we lose the light.
Oh, splendid. Well, looking forward to
sitting shiva with you, Dr. Fleischman.
Yeah, me, too.
And terribly sorry about
your grandfather. Uncle.
Right.
Hey, Bernard. Hey, Maggie.
What do you charge
for a trip to Juneau?
Roundtrip? One-way.
One-way. $240. When do you want to go?
Now, actually.
Oh, man, I've got a charter to Skagway.
Skagway's all right. Plane's full.
Look, I'll make it worth
your while. Say, $500.
Does this have anything to
do with the fight? Uh-huh.
Got a good look at those
Miller boys, huh? It's not that.
Although, the prospect of being
demolished by those woolly mammoths...
does fill me with dread,
paralytic terror, actually.
But the fact is, Maggie, I
want to fight them. You do?
I want to disembowel them.
I want to see their
entrails hanging from the nearest tree.
That's not like you, Bernard. I know.
It all turned around this morning.
Chris and I were working out
with some tire irons...
and I let one fly against this
oil drum and something clicked.
Suddenly, I wanted to do damage.
I wanted to put these Miller boys in a
big open pit and cover them with lime.
Really?
Yeah, you know, I've always
deplored sectarian violence...
but it always comes down
to the same thing.
My side is better than
your side and I hate that.
Yet here I am, a certified
public accountant...
ready to sacrifice years of dental
work for an ancestral vendetta...
which I knew absolutely
nothing about until yesterday.
So you want to get out of town before
you violate your principles. Is that it?
Absolutely.
That, and it's fairly obvious the Miller
boys will mop the streets with us.
Interesting. Yeah, I'll say. Thanks.
Mmm-hmm.
I found another Jew for you.
Who?
A distant cousin.
He converted.
You're kidding.
He's coming by kayak.
Seven down, three to go.
Unbelievable.
Boy, I may actually get to say a Kaddish
for Uncle Manny with a minyan. That's...
That's something, you know...
You know what, I don't...
What I mean is...
What?
Why am I praying with these guys?
Because you're Jewish.
Yeah, but, you know,
what does that mean?
We hold certain theological-ethical
precepts in common?
You know, we know
a smattering of Hebrew?
Years ago, our ancestors
schlepped around the Negev, but...
I mean, intellectually,
I appreciate it.
Emotionally...
I don't know. I just don't know.
Hey, Dave, what time is it? 2:30.
I guess dance practice
ran a little over. Yeah.
You go on. I'll lock up.
Okay, good night. Good night.
Hey, Dave. Hey, Holling, night.
Hey, Shelly. A little late, aren't you?
Well, time just flew by.
You know, I never realized how
much dancing is like hunting...
until Marilyn pointed it out to me.
She said that when I hunted...
my mind and my body fused and I
became the animal I was pursuing.
Well, it's the same thing
in dance, as Marilyn says...
except that the object
is to become the dance.
Do we still have that full-length
mirror in the stockroom?
Why don't you just ask Marilyn?
I beg your pardon?
Marilyn says this, Marilyn says that.
Well, let me tell you
something, Holling Vincoeur.
You are not the only person
with an animal inside him.
What?
Wayne said I move like a cat.
A big, hungry jungle cat.
But you wouldn't know
about that, would you? No!
You're too busy being an elk.
Well, go ahead, Holling. Be an elk.
Be a whole flock of elk for all I care!
You Fleischman? Yeah.
We're your Jews.
You're my what? Minyan rangers.
Have Torah, will travel. What?
You had a death in your
family, didn't you, Fleischman?
Well, actually, yeah.
Well, we're here to help you set
things straight. I'm Greenbaum.
That's Schoen, Axelrod, Levi...
Strauss, Little Big Macher.
Shalom.
Hi.
Cohen brothers, Ethan, Joel...
and that there is Ah Hautia.
Ethiopian.
Well, you ready to ride?
No.
What I mean is, I can't ride.
New Yorker. Figures.
You don't understand what I...
See, I've never ridden a horse. I'm
not even quite sure how to get on.
Come on, now.
We're packing strudel, son.
But it won't keep. Let's go.
Like this? All right. Climb on.
Come on. There you go.
Okay, hold on. Yeah.
It's fight day, sports fans.
A crisp 45 degrees out.
A glorious morning to kick some butt.
Word of thanks to all you loyal
KBHR listeners for your support.
You never know what's going
to happen out there...
but that's the beauty of the
sport. Thank you, Bernard.
Bone-crusher Bernard and I are hoping
to bring back some ears for our walls.
Can I get a witness?
So, before I risk losing
my voice to serious injury...
the final KBHR Kaddish
countdown on this Erev Shabbat...
t- minus two worshippers and counting.
Edna Hancock found a professor of
Counterculture at
Nipnuck Junior College.
So we only need two more
qualified participants...
and Dr. Joel will have
his Kaddish dream come true.
Cicely, come on,
let's pull out all the stops.
Marilyn.
We have to talk. Okay.
Well...
I know how much this
dance contest means to you...
and what an awesome partner
Holling is and all...
and...
what I'm about to say
is totally uncool.
But you can't dance
with Holling tonight.
If I let Holling out there on
that dance floor without me...
it's going to be open season.
I might as well paint a
bull's eye on his undies.
Marilyn!
Look, I don't want to get into
one of those girl things...
where we end up pulling each other's
hair and rolling around on the floor...
but I will if I have to.
Okay. Okay.
Really? I fired him.
You fired Holling? Uh-huh.
Why?
I'm going back to my old partner.
But I thought you said
Holling moved like an elk.
He moves nice.
It's his stillness that's not good.
Huh.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hey, Maurice, can I talk to you?
Now, just hold your cookies, Fleischman.
We'll get your two extra Jews...
if I have to call a
couple of high-priced
lawyers I know in Anchorage...
and get them to fly up here and
work on my will or something.
Yeah, that's the thing. I
need you to call off the hunt.
What?
I know everyone's gone
to all this trouble
and I really appreciate it. I just...
It's not happening for me.
Just what the hell
is that supposed to mean?
Well, I don't feel like I can say
Kaddish with a bunch of hired guns.
Hired guns? These are
your people, Fleischman.
I know, Maurice, they're Jews.
But, I don't know them, you know,
and they don't know me. It's-
What, you don't like the Jews I got you?
What do you need, New Yorkers or what?
No. Look...
The way I feel about my uncle
is a very private thing, okay?
So I don't feel like I can open up
to a bunch of people I don't know...
no matter who they are. Especially
if you're paying them to be here.
Fleischman, you've done
some half-assed and
stupid things since you've been here...
but I've understood them,
well, somewhat anyway.
But this? Boy,
you've stumped the band now.
You're in a league of your
own, son. This takes the cake.
These Miller boys, they cut
easy, when we get inside...
what are you gonna do? Go upstairs.
What are you gonna do? Go upstairs.
All right, I want you to cut
him here, slash him here...
blind him with his own blood,
then what?
Get behind him,
grab him by the plums...
and pull them down as hard as I can.
All right, all right,
all right, take these off.
Come on, stay frosty, man.
You ready, Stevens? Yeah, let's go.
All right, Bernard, take jarhead
here. Watch out now, he kicks.
Yeah, I have one question
before we start here.
Yeah, what's that?
I realize I'm kind of new at this...
but what do we do afterwards?
After? After what? After the fight.
I mean, from what
I've been able to observe...
this fight has been a major
catalyst to our existence...
and perhaps the thing that's
gotten you through the darker days.
Right. Right.
Look, I'm just along for
the ride. Totally expendable.
But it seems to me you guys
really need each other.
Wait, wait a second,
what you're saying is...
our mutual enmity is what defines us?
Exactly. Take it away and what
do you have to get up to...
in the morning?
Be like taking away a wall we've
been leaning against our whole lives.
Yeah, we'd just fall over.
Huh.
Yeah.
What? We're not fighting?
Get in the car, Tommy.
Look, I can't believe this!
Get in the car, Tommy!
Damn it all!
Still hate your guts,
Stevens. Same here, baby.
You okay?
Can't help wondering
what might have been.
What? You mean the old fist
to the face or vice versa?
Yeah. My big chance to feel
pain and inflict bodily injury...
and I send them packing.
All right, I'll tell you
what I want you to do.
I want you to take one crack,
right here, best you got.
Nah, let's go eat.
All right.
Excellent gumbo, Ed.
It's an old Tlingit recipe.
I've got to have some more
of that blackened coho.
Let's hear it for Couple 11,
Tom and Mary Barker. Barker.
Our next finalists, Couple 24,
Marilyn Whirlwind
and Robert Livingston.
He's pretty short.
Good stillness, though.
First thing I would like to say is, I
just would like to thank all of you...
for trying to get me
a minyan this week...
and even though I pulled the plug...
I just would really like you to
know that I am incredibly grateful.
Which brings me to the second thing
I would like to say, which is...
I'm no rabbi, but it seems to me...
that the purpose
of saying a Kaddish is...
to be with your community.
And what I realized
this week is that...
well, you're my community.
So if you'll just bear with me.
Ed?
You want we should all wear
beanies, Dr. Fleischman?
No, that's not necessary.
I'll just say the prayer and then
we can all head over to The Brick.
Holling has graciously arranged
to have a cold cut buffet and...
we can all have a little nosh.
None of you knew my Uncle Manny.
I think the only thing that's
important to say is that...
he was a good man.
I loved him very much.
Maybe when I say the Kaddish,
you can think about someone...
in your own life who you loved...
and, you know, feel free to say a
prayer in your own way if you'd like.
Corrected & Synced by Bakugan
Chris in the Morning.
And Bernard in the Morning...
bringing you a double shot of
Talking Tunes for a misty Monday.
Brother Bernard's up for some R and
R following another tough tax season.
I may be looking a little frayed
around the edges, a little rough...
but it's nothing some serious
trout fishing won't cure.
Amen to that, brother.
No way, look who's here.
The Miller boys!
Hey, they look familiar.
Of course they do. It's Tommy
and Bobby from West Virginia, man.
You know, the guys
that tried to nail me...
with that extradition order. Huh?
The old Miller-Stevens
blood feud. Who's he?
Oh, sorry, fellows. This is my
brother, Bernard. Your brother?
Yeah, it's a long story. What are
you guys doing up here in Alaska?
We heard how you dodged
Teddy's warrant.
We figured it was time
to even the score.
You guys came all the way
to Alaska to fight me?
Yep. We're figuring on kicking your
ass all the way from here to Florida.
What's it going to be? Fists,
conventional weapons, what?
No, listen, Tommy here just served
out a three to five on assault...
he don't want to do
no more time no more.
All right, well,
when you want to get down?
It's been a long trip, Stevens.
Right, right. Why don't you
take some time, chill out...
you know, take a day, take two, man.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me, fellas.
You're not serious about
fighting these guys, are you?
Oh, you...
Guys, is it cool if my brother,
Bernard, gets in on the action?
What, me? He really kin?
Absolutely.
Sure. Why not?
Okay, all right.
This great, huh?
Next!
Doctor.
Boy, I don't believe this.
I'm up till 2:00 a. M. In
Yellowknife treating flu victims.
I actually have to go back
there. Now it's spread here?
No. No?
What do you mean? These
people don't have the flu?
No.
What do they have?
They're not patients.
What are they? Dancers.
Dancers? I need a new partner.
What is this, one of your
Indian dance contest things?
Cajun two-step. Cajun?
Like in bayou?
Jambalaya, and rice and beans, and
crawfish jumbo, this kind of Cajun?
Came in second last year.
Yeah? Well, what happened
to your old partner?
I fired him. He didn't want it enough.
Hello. Hi, can you just hold one sec?
I don't understand something. How
come I don't see you dancing here?
I watch them move.
Oh, you watch them move.
Go on. Hi, I'm sorry.
This is Dr. Fleischman.
Stop.
Aunt Helen, how are you?
Yeah, hold on one second.
I'm going to change phones.
Just one second.
Here, just hang up when I say.
Next.
Marilyn, you can hang up.
Thank you. Next.
Thank you. Next.
My Uncle Manny passed away.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
So, Millers have been fighting
Stevens since the Civil War?
Oh, since before the Civil War, man.
It all started when our great-granddaddy
shot a Miller in the neck...
left him with a permanent
list starboard.
Yeah, but Chris,
that was a long time ago.
What happened to
"Let bygones be bygones"?
Two sirloins, bloody.
Two large OJs
and two orders of spaghetti.
But, Shelly, we didn't order this.
It's on the house. Holling says you
boys need to bulk up for the rumble.
Pays to have home field advantage, huh?
Hey, thank the big H for us. Will do.
It's been a long time, Bernard, since
these knuckles have laid open a Miller.
You get to miss it like...
Oh, the feel, man,
of splitting flesh...
the taste of salty blood in your mouth.
Doesn't that sound
a little primitive to you?
Oh, yeah, it's totally primitive.
You know,
that's what makes it so great.
It's back to the caves,
right brain all the way.
Yeah, but somebody
could get hurt. Badly.
Hopefully.
Bernard, to inflict pain,
to receive pain...
it's all part of the package, man.
There's
no getting away from human nature.
'Cause you can dress it up anyway
you want. Anthropologically...
we're only a nanosecond
away from spears,
loincloths, and sleeping
up in the trees.
I don't write the facts,
I just repeat them.
Hey, Dr. Fleischman.
How are you doing, Ed?
Are you feeling okay?
My Uncle Manny passed away.
Oh.
We used to spend Sundays together.
He didn't have any kids,
so he kind of adopted me.
We would listen to Yankee
games and we'd play gin rummy.
It's wild, you know.
It's like I can still picture him...
sitting in front of his window there...
loading his little pipe.
He had this great Amphora Tobacco.
Are you gonna go to the funeral?
No, it's in Florida.
Oh.
I told my Aunt Helen I'd say Kaddish.
What's a Kaddish?
Kaddish is a Jewish prayer
for the dead.
Oh.
Only problem is,
you need a minyan to say it.
What's a minyan?
It's 10 Jewish males, 13 or older...
or actually, most places now
it can be women.
But I'm not exactly sure how
Uncle Manny would feel about that.
He was raised Orthodox.
Why do you need a minyan?
I don't know.
You know, nine guys on a
field to play baseball...
and 10 Jews in a room to say Kaddish.
I don't know where
I'm going to find a minyan.
Is something wrong, Marilyn?
No. Keep walking.
Go.
Stop.
Turn right.
Stop.
Marilyn, I- Pick up the pretzels.
You'll do.
Double liver and onions,
double western omelet.
Could we get another pitcher, please?
You got it. Want me to clear this
lasagna? I'm still working on it.
Cool. Hey, major guns, boys. Thanks.
Hi, Shelly. Hey, babe, where you been?
I've got orders backing up all over.
I've been dancing. Well,
moving would be more like it.
What?
Marilyn says I've got natural ability.
Ability for what? Moving.
She wants me to practice.
Practice what?
Well, walking, bending, reaching,
you know, generally moving.
Why?
I'm gonna be her partner
in the Cajun Dancing Contest.
Marilyn picked you to be
her partner? She did, indeed.
But you don't dance, Holling.
I haven't danced, Shelly.
But Marilyn says she's got a knack
for discovering hidden talent.
She says I got a streak a
mile wide. How did she put it?
"You've got natural
two-step greatness."
Can you imagine that? "Greatness."
Of course, I've got
to practice like the devil...
in order to realize
my full potential, she says.
She's got her own method
and everything.
Order up!
Can you get that for me, Shelly?
I've got to do some moving, you know,
while it's still fresh in my mind.
Yeah, sure, babe.
Hello?
Fleischman, you here? Yeah.
Hey. Hey.
Can I come in? Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks.
Oh...
I was supposed to reorder
your iron, wasn't I? I'm sorry.
No, no, no, Fleischman, that's
not why I came here, really.
I heard about your uncle. I'm sorry.
Oh, well, thanks.
What's this?
It's just some old family stuff
that I never really unpacked.
This your uncle? Yeah.
It's me and Manny
in front of Yankee Stadium.
Look at you! Now, I didn't
know you wore braces.
Yeah.
Fifth grade.
Wow.
It's my first Yankee game.
Thurman Munson hit a homer off of
Jim Palmer to win it in the ninth.
And what about this? Where's this?
That was my bar mitzvah.
It was at my cousin's 'cause
they had this big yard out back.
Who's this?
That's Manny and Helen.
Hmm.
What's this?
This was the stuff
I wore at my bar mitzvah.
This is a tallith. It's a prayer
shawl. It's beautiful, isn't it?
This is beautiful.
And this is a yarmulke. This is what
you wear on your head, obviously.
Wow.
Yeah, he brought this stuff
back from Israel for me.
He helped me memorize my Torah portion.
So, we spent quite a few hours
together. I don't remember any of it.
Well, look, Fleischman, if
you need anything, call me.
Thanks, O'Connell. Sure.
Good night.
I haven't been this pumped since,
I don't know, 12 years, man.
Last time I took on Bobby
Miller at the Grove Drive-in.
We were...
It was a draw, you know...
I got a broken nose, I took out his
front teeth with an elbow to the jaw.
Chris, this, I...
Get your hand back in that pickle jar.
Is this really necessary?
Nothing like pickle brine to toughen
up the skin, man, harden the knuckles.
Listen, when we go in, I want
to stay on the left, you know...
because I don't want to crowd my
roundhouse. You know what I mean?
Yeah. This is all
pretty new to me, so...
What do you mean?
I've never been in a fight.
Ha-ha-ha, very funny.
No, really, I haven't.
Come on, man, you're a Stevens.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, well, I haven't.
What, you never sent a guy
to the hospital before?
Got your own bridgework,
all your own teeth, right?
Right.
I don't believe this. Well, it's true.
I can't believe this, man. It's
like, Richard Petty's kid saying:
"I've never been behind a wheel
of a bored-out Chevy before."
I'm just not a fighter.
No. No, don't say that, man.
It's probably just a gene
that's gone awry, you know.
Chris, I may put you at a disadvantage.
Maybe we should just
call this whole thing off.
No. No, no, no, no, no. You're gonna
be great, man. You're gonna be fine.
Look, to be honest with you, Chris,
those gorillas really scare me.
It's scary the first time,
you know. It's like...
That bell rings, though, and your
body, man, it just takes over, you know.
Everything slows down like in one
of those chopsocky movies, man.
You see that fist coming at you.
You can count every hair
on that knuckle.
And you don't think, your body just
takes over, man. You slip a jab.
A couple pops to the head.
And then you finish him off, bam, man!
Knee to the groin, down he goes...
eyes rolling back in his head
like window shades.
It's the best feeling in the world.
Bernard...
you're not on the horns
of a moral dilemma, are you?
No, no, no. I'm just
thinking about the pain.
Oh, yeah.
The pain is real. Pain hurts.
But the pain can be good.
I don't know, Chris.
Oh, man, we've been given a gift.
Why do you think that the Millers
showed up here when they did?
I mean, they could have appeared
at any time, but why now?
Why?
So that I can actually be there
when my brother loses his cherry.
As close as we are today...
tomorrow when we come back
from that battlefield...
we will be as close as
two men can possibly be.
Sharing a bond that can only be forged
in the face of imminent disfigurement.
"We few, we happy few,
we band of brothers
"For he today
that sheds his blood with me
"Shall be my brother."
Hey, Bernard, Chris.
Well, now that
we're finally all here...
Sorry. Sorry.
...I guess we can begin.
As you all know, Fleischman's
Uncle Morty died this week.
Uncle Manny.
I believe it was Uncle Manny.
Well, whatever.
Anyway, Fleischman wants to say
the traditional mourner's prayer...
but he can't do it
without nine more Jews.
Why not?
Well, how should I know,
Shelly? Do I look like Tevye?
Who?
Fiddler on the Roof.
Oh.
Well, you see, Shelly...
the minyan thing is so that the
mourner doesn't go it alone, you know...
in the time of grief.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well,
the bottom line is...
Fleischman needs nine more
Hebrews on his team.
So I've decided that I will
pay $100 plus expenses...
for any bona fide member
of the Jewish faith...
who will come here
and pray with Fleischman.
That's mighty generous of you, Maurice.
But I doubt you could find 10 Jewish
people within 2,000 miles of Cicely.
I guess that's where we
come in. That's precisely it.
Now open your packets
and look in there.
You'll see that I have
assigned each of you...
a sector of the map.
If we find only 0.67 worshippers...
within each sector...
we'll come in one over the limit.
I think that's a statistically
feasible target, don't you?
How do we know if someone's Jewish?
Now that is a very good
question, Shelly.
Anybody got an answer to that?
No? Well...
the tip of the penis used to be
a pretty accurate yardstick...
but with the proliferation
of circumcision...
it's no longer a valid form of ID.
Now, right here is a picture...
of what used to be considered
your typical Jewish person.
But if that stereotype was ever
valid, you can see, it no longer is.
Say hi to Issur Danielovitch.
Wow, Hercules was Jewish.
Oh, that's Spartacus, Shelly.
Well, actually, Kirk Douglas.
Oh.
Maurice, what about
last names, you know?
Schwartz, Cohen, Levine. Seinfeld.
Well, last names would be...
your primary clue.
And I've compiled
a list of them right here.
Of course, it's not
comprehensive, by any means.
Where are we gonna find
these names, Maurice?
I mean, outside the telephone book?
Well, Holling, your Jewish people
are a lot like your Chinese people...
only with a sense of humor.
They value family,
tradition, education.
They tend to go toward the professions.
When I blasted off into space...
I was very happy to have a lot of
Goldfarbs and Finkelsteins
at the button.
Although, none of them
got into a Mercury capsule.
Now, nobody said this
is gonna be easy, people.
You got to get out there
and beat the bushes.
But we've got until
1800 hours on Friday.
So let's move. Dismissed.
Can we keep these pens?
Certainly, yeah.
Hey, Cicely, KBHR is looking
for a few good Jews.
That's right. This is Chris
in the Morning with an APB...
for any and all children of Abraham...
who can sit shiva with our own Dr. Joel
Fleischman, in honor of his Uncle Manny.
If you're Jewish within
the sound of my voice...
why don't you give a holler
to the KBHR hotline?
Qualified participants will receive
a travel allowance, honorary stipend...
plus room and board
at The Sourdough Inn...
Cicely's four-star bed and breakfast
operated by your hosts, Ron and Erick.
Why don't you drop on by, say Kaddish,
and have the Cicely experience?
Hey, Joel!
Hey, Maurice, you got a minute?
Make it quick, Fleischman. I'm right
up into my ass in logistics here.
Okay.
I guess you and I have had
our differences in the past...
and, I mean, to tell you the truth...
I've always thought of you as some
loud-mouthed, unprincipled bigot.
I mean, you've threatened me
physically on numerous occasions.
You're making me serve
another year of bondage here...
through highly
unethical means, I might add.
All right, what the hell
is your point, Fleischman?
I guess what I'm trying
to say is that...
nothing in our prior relationship...
has prepared me for this gesture.
And I just would
like you to know that...
my uncle was...
He was a really
important figure in my life...
and this would have meant a lot
to him and it means a lot to me.
Fleischman, I'm responsible
for bringing you here...
and the way I see it, as long
as you keep us reasonably well...
I have a reciprocal obligation
to keep you mentally stable.
Yeah, well, I don't think reciprocity
has anything to do with it.
I think it's...
I don't know. But it's great and I
just want you to know I appreciate it.
You're welcome.
Quick, slow, slow, quick, quick.
Not so heavy. Heavy? What do you mean?
Make the floor your friend. Use it.
Use it?
Right!
Good.
My bladder is about to back up
on me. Could I have a minute?
Take five.
Hey, Shelly, this is really fun.
Great, babe. He moves like an elk.
Holling? Uh-huh.
Is that good? Very good.
I always thought H had two left feet.
He's still thinking too much.
He needs to release the dancer inside.
Inside where?
Inside himself.
Oh.
Okay, Marilyn, let's do some
two-steppin'. Watch this, hon.
Quick, quick. Slow, slow.
Quick, quick. Slow, slow.
That's it.
Yeah, it's open.
Ed, you actually knocked.
Yeah, guess I did. Sorry.
It's all right. Want some dinner? I
got SpaghettiO's and Sliced Franks.
No, thank you. Yeah?
It's not bad, actually.
I found one. One what?
A Jewish person. You did? Where?
Well, I was driving back
from Douglas Junction...
and there he was hitching by the road.
What, his car broke down or something?
No. He was just hitching.
You found a Jew hitching?
Uh-huh.
It's impossible. Jews don't hitch.
Well, he's right outside.
Do you want to meet him?
For real? Yeah.
Well, yeah, by all means. Don't
make him stand out in the cold.
Come on in, Buck. Buck?
That's his name.
Buck Schoen, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Joel Fleischman.
Hey. Shane?
That's right.
That's kind of unusual, isn't it?
It's German. S-c-h-o-e-n.
Oh.
Buck's a lumberjack when he's working.
Would you excuse us just one second?
You can just hang out.
You don't have to go outside.
Ed, I hate to look a gift horse in the
mouth, but someone's pulling your leg.
What do you mean, Dr. Fleischman?
What I mean is, that man
is definitely not a Jew.
He's not? No. Look at him.
Jews don't wear red suspenders.
They don't slobber tobacco in
their beard, they don't hitch...
and they definitely
don't have names like Buck.
Oh. Well, his real name's Leon.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
Well, we'll see about that.
Buck.
Look, I don't have any
doubts or anything
and, you know, don't
take this in any way...
but I kind of made
a promise to my rabbi.
So I was wondering, would
you mind reciting the Sh'ma?
Huh.
Where'd you grow up?
Cleveland. Well, Shaker, actually.
Oh, Shaker Heights?
Yeah, I had a lab partner who
grew up in Shaker Heights as well.
He said it was like a Midwest
version of Scarsdale.
Not my bag.
You said meals come
with the package, right?
Oh, yes. Per diem also.
Cash on the barrelhead?
Oh, yeah. We'll stop by Maurice's
office right on the way out of town.
Oh, see you later, Dr. Fleischman.
Yeah.
Two down, eight to go.
All right, thanks, Ed. See you later.
See you, Buck. Yeah.
And, hey, Buck. Tonight's the spaghetti
feed at The Brick. All
you can eat, $2.50.
I love roadwork, man. Rhythmic
pounding in the joints. Feels good, huh?
Oh, God. I think I've got blisters.
Hey, how you guys doing?
Find everything all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Good. Beer with breakfast,
man, reminds me of home.
There's something about
you guys. You look familiar.
Have we met before?
You ever done time at Marion? Nope.
You ever run cigarettes along I-95?
Uh-uh.
I've got it.
I had this reoccurring nightmare...
that I'm being chased
by rednecks with sheets.
But I keep running and running
and they stay on my tail like MIGs.
You are the guys. You're
the two that try to lynch me.
Yeah, all along I thought it was
this racial anxiety nightmare...
but it turns out to be a
family thing. How about that?
Wow.
Hey, Holling! Another round
for my landsmen here, huh?
Coming right up.
Boy, somebody's stoked this morning.
I had a breakthrough
last night, Shelly.
I was having trouble
with this reverse twirl.
So, Marilyn stops the music...
and she gives me what she calls
her "silver dollar move"...
that she'd been saving just in case.
I tell you.
One minute with that move...
we are twirling around that
room like nobody's business.
Is that a fact? Yes, ma'am.
You know, Shel, when I dance with
Marilyn I feel lighter than air.
Hey, Dave? Yes, Shelly.
Can I ask you a question? Sure.
What do you think
about the way Holling moves?
The way he moves?
Uh-huh.
Well, I think he moves pretty good.
Really? Yeah.
Do you think he's sexy? Sexy?
Sure.
Hmm.
Say, "Ah." Ah.
Ah. Ah.
Yeah, well...
Fred, of course, you can't swallow.
Your glands are the size of golf balls.
Are you busy, Joel?
Well, yeah, actually. I have
someone here I want you to meet.
This is Nigel Axelrod.
He's one of your people.
Hi.
Delighted to meet you, Dr. Fleischman.
Though I regret it has to be under
such unfortunate circumstances.
Nigel works for British
Petroleum up in Prudhoe.
Chemical engineer. I've
worked all over the globe.
Egypt, Venezuela, North Sea.
He calls himself The Wandering Jew.
My little joke.
I found him through a friend
in the Audubon Society.
Oh, are you a bird person, doctor?
Oh, no, I'm afraid not. Pity.
And he also has someone else
who can pray with you.
Hal Greenbaum, geologist
in our Anchorage office.
He's hoping to hitch a ride
over in the company chopper.
Really?
Reminds me of when I was in
North Yemen a few years back.
My sister-in-law died.
You can imagine my distress.
Yemen is not exactly Tel Aviv.
But I ran into a tribe of nomads...
well, I took the chaps
for Bedouins initially.
Turns out they're
as kosher as you or I.
It worked out
quite well in the end, really.
Well, come on, Nigel, let's go.
I want to show him our Siberian
Tits before we lose the light.
Oh, splendid. Well, looking forward to
sitting shiva with you, Dr. Fleischman.
Yeah, me, too.
And terribly sorry about
your grandfather. Uncle.
Right.
Hey, Bernard. Hey, Maggie.
What do you charge
for a trip to Juneau?
Roundtrip? One-way.
One-way. $240. When do you want to go?
Now, actually.
Oh, man, I've got a charter to Skagway.
Skagway's all right. Plane's full.
Look, I'll make it worth
your while. Say, $500.
Does this have anything to
do with the fight? Uh-huh.
Got a good look at those
Miller boys, huh? It's not that.
Although, the prospect of being
demolished by those woolly mammoths...
does fill me with dread,
paralytic terror, actually.
But the fact is, Maggie, I
want to fight them. You do?
I want to disembowel them.
I want to see their
entrails hanging from the nearest tree.
That's not like you, Bernard. I know.
It all turned around this morning.
Chris and I were working out
with some tire irons...
and I let one fly against this
oil drum and something clicked.
Suddenly, I wanted to do damage.
I wanted to put these Miller boys in a
big open pit and cover them with lime.
Really?
Yeah, you know, I've always
deplored sectarian violence...
but it always comes down
to the same thing.
My side is better than
your side and I hate that.
Yet here I am, a certified
public accountant...
ready to sacrifice years of dental
work for an ancestral vendetta...
which I knew absolutely
nothing about until yesterday.
So you want to get out of town before
you violate your principles. Is that it?
Absolutely.
That, and it's fairly obvious the Miller
boys will mop the streets with us.
Interesting. Yeah, I'll say. Thanks.
Mmm-hmm.
I found another Jew for you.
Who?
A distant cousin.
He converted.
You're kidding.
He's coming by kayak.
Seven down, three to go.
Unbelievable.
Boy, I may actually get to say a Kaddish
for Uncle Manny with a minyan. That's...
That's something, you know...
You know what, I don't...
What I mean is...
What?
Why am I praying with these guys?
Because you're Jewish.
Yeah, but, you know,
what does that mean?
We hold certain theological-ethical
precepts in common?
You know, we know
a smattering of Hebrew?
Years ago, our ancestors
schlepped around the Negev, but...
I mean, intellectually,
I appreciate it.
Emotionally...
I don't know. I just don't know.
Hey, Dave, what time is it? 2:30.
I guess dance practice
ran a little over. Yeah.
You go on. I'll lock up.
Okay, good night. Good night.
Hey, Dave. Hey, Holling, night.
Hey, Shelly. A little late, aren't you?
Well, time just flew by.
You know, I never realized how
much dancing is like hunting...
until Marilyn pointed it out to me.
She said that when I hunted...
my mind and my body fused and I
became the animal I was pursuing.
Well, it's the same thing
in dance, as Marilyn says...
except that the object
is to become the dance.
Do we still have that full-length
mirror in the stockroom?
Why don't you just ask Marilyn?
I beg your pardon?
Marilyn says this, Marilyn says that.
Well, let me tell you
something, Holling Vincoeur.
You are not the only person
with an animal inside him.
What?
Wayne said I move like a cat.
A big, hungry jungle cat.
But you wouldn't know
about that, would you? No!
You're too busy being an elk.
Well, go ahead, Holling. Be an elk.
Be a whole flock of elk for all I care!
You Fleischman? Yeah.
We're your Jews.
You're my what? Minyan rangers.
Have Torah, will travel. What?
You had a death in your
family, didn't you, Fleischman?
Well, actually, yeah.
Well, we're here to help you set
things straight. I'm Greenbaum.
That's Schoen, Axelrod, Levi...
Strauss, Little Big Macher.
Shalom.
Hi.
Cohen brothers, Ethan, Joel...
and that there is Ah Hautia.
Ethiopian.
Well, you ready to ride?
No.
What I mean is, I can't ride.
New Yorker. Figures.
You don't understand what I...
See, I've never ridden a horse. I'm
not even quite sure how to get on.
Come on, now.
We're packing strudel, son.
But it won't keep. Let's go.
Like this? All right. Climb on.
Come on. There you go.
Okay, hold on. Yeah.
It's fight day, sports fans.
A crisp 45 degrees out.
A glorious morning to kick some butt.
Word of thanks to all you loyal
KBHR listeners for your support.
You never know what's going
to happen out there...
but that's the beauty of the
sport. Thank you, Bernard.
Bone-crusher Bernard and I are hoping
to bring back some ears for our walls.
Can I get a witness?
So, before I risk losing
my voice to serious injury...
the final KBHR Kaddish
countdown on this Erev Shabbat...
t- minus two worshippers and counting.
Edna Hancock found a professor of
Counterculture at
Nipnuck Junior College.
So we only need two more
qualified participants...
and Dr. Joel will have
his Kaddish dream come true.
Cicely, come on,
let's pull out all the stops.
Marilyn.
We have to talk. Okay.
Well...
I know how much this
dance contest means to you...
and what an awesome partner
Holling is and all...
and...
what I'm about to say
is totally uncool.
But you can't dance
with Holling tonight.
If I let Holling out there on
that dance floor without me...
it's going to be open season.
I might as well paint a
bull's eye on his undies.
Marilyn!
Look, I don't want to get into
one of those girl things...
where we end up pulling each other's
hair and rolling around on the floor...
but I will if I have to.
Okay. Okay.
Really? I fired him.
You fired Holling? Uh-huh.
Why?
I'm going back to my old partner.
But I thought you said
Holling moved like an elk.
He moves nice.
It's his stillness that's not good.
Huh.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hey, Maurice, can I talk to you?
Now, just hold your cookies, Fleischman.
We'll get your two extra Jews...
if I have to call a
couple of high-priced
lawyers I know in Anchorage...
and get them to fly up here and
work on my will or something.
Yeah, that's the thing. I
need you to call off the hunt.
What?
I know everyone's gone
to all this trouble
and I really appreciate it. I just...
It's not happening for me.
Just what the hell
is that supposed to mean?
Well, I don't feel like I can say
Kaddish with a bunch of hired guns.
Hired guns? These are
your people, Fleischman.
I know, Maurice, they're Jews.
But, I don't know them, you know,
and they don't know me. It's-
What, you don't like the Jews I got you?
What do you need, New Yorkers or what?
No. Look...
The way I feel about my uncle
is a very private thing, okay?
So I don't feel like I can open up
to a bunch of people I don't know...
no matter who they are. Especially
if you're paying them to be here.
Fleischman, you've done
some half-assed and
stupid things since you've been here...
but I've understood them,
well, somewhat anyway.
But this? Boy,
you've stumped the band now.
You're in a league of your
own, son. This takes the cake.
These Miller boys, they cut
easy, when we get inside...
what are you gonna do? Go upstairs.
What are you gonna do? Go upstairs.
All right, I want you to cut
him here, slash him here...
blind him with his own blood,
then what?
Get behind him,
grab him by the plums...
and pull them down as hard as I can.
All right, all right,
all right, take these off.
Come on, stay frosty, man.
You ready, Stevens? Yeah, let's go.
All right, Bernard, take jarhead
here. Watch out now, he kicks.
Yeah, I have one question
before we start here.
Yeah, what's that?
I realize I'm kind of new at this...
but what do we do afterwards?
After? After what? After the fight.
I mean, from what
I've been able to observe...
this fight has been a major
catalyst to our existence...
and perhaps the thing that's
gotten you through the darker days.
Right. Right.
Look, I'm just along for
the ride. Totally expendable.
But it seems to me you guys
really need each other.
Wait, wait a second,
what you're saying is...
our mutual enmity is what defines us?
Exactly. Take it away and what
do you have to get up to...
in the morning?
Be like taking away a wall we've
been leaning against our whole lives.
Yeah, we'd just fall over.
Huh.
Yeah.
What? We're not fighting?
Get in the car, Tommy.
Look, I can't believe this!
Get in the car, Tommy!
Damn it all!
Still hate your guts,
Stevens. Same here, baby.
You okay?
Can't help wondering
what might have been.
What? You mean the old fist
to the face or vice versa?
Yeah. My big chance to feel
pain and inflict bodily injury...
and I send them packing.
All right, I'll tell you
what I want you to do.
I want you to take one crack,
right here, best you got.
Nah, let's go eat.
All right.
Excellent gumbo, Ed.
It's an old Tlingit recipe.
I've got to have some more
of that blackened coho.
Let's hear it for Couple 11,
Tom and Mary Barker. Barker.
Our next finalists, Couple 24,
Marilyn Whirlwind
and Robert Livingston.
He's pretty short.
Good stillness, though.
First thing I would like to say is, I
just would like to thank all of you...
for trying to get me
a minyan this week...
and even though I pulled the plug...
I just would really like you to
know that I am incredibly grateful.
Which brings me to the second thing
I would like to say, which is...
I'm no rabbi, but it seems to me...
that the purpose
of saying a Kaddish is...
to be with your community.
And what I realized
this week is that...
well, you're my community.
So if you'll just bear with me.
Ed?
You want we should all wear
beanies, Dr. Fleischman?
No, that's not necessary.
I'll just say the prayer and then
we can all head over to The Brick.
Holling has graciously arranged
to have a cold cut buffet and...
we can all have a little nosh.
None of you knew my Uncle Manny.
I think the only thing that's
important to say is that...
he was a good man.
I loved him very much.
Maybe when I say the Kaddish,
you can think about someone...
in your own life who you loved...
and, you know, feel free to say a
prayer in your own way if you'd like.
Corrected & Synced by Bakugan