Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 4, Episode 19 - Family Feud - full transcript

Holy Manitoba! Wasn't that the most
10-plus thing you've ever seen in your life?

What?

The ballerinas, Floyd!
Huh?

Those flat, skinny chicks
that just went spinning by.

Really?

The ones in the tutus. They
just went down the sidewalk.

They did? How could you miss 'em, Floyd?

They were right there, dancing
around on their tippy toes.

Are you okay, Shelly?

Yeah. Of course, I'm okay.

I think.



Good morning, Cicely.

You're listening to the KBHR, the vox
populi of the borough of Arrowhead County.

First up, the monthly meeting
of the Cicely Frost Biters.

Those of you who've lost
extremities to the cold...

and would like
to share your feelings...

with others who have been
through the same experience...

drop by the church tonight,
00. BYOB.

Wednesday night,
same time, same place...

Owen Smith, numero uno sled dog breeder
and owner of Smith's Feed Chalet...

is gonna be giving a free lecture on
the care and diet of the mature husky.

And this week's big event...

tomorrow at noon the unveiling of
the Whirlwind family totem pole.

Admission to this shindig
is by invitation only.

Hey, Marilyn, mazel tov!



Hello, Dr. Fleischman.
Hey, Ed.

Let me ask you something. You
going to Marilyn's totem thing?

Oh, sure.
We're cousins.

You're kidding.
Nope.

You and Marilyn are cousins?
Yep.

See, the Whirlwinds come from
the family's Raven Clan...

and the Chigliaks, come from the
family's Bear Clan. Dave, too.

Oh, so that would
make you...

Cousins.
Right.

Well, I've never been to a totem
raising before. What exactly goes on?

Is it like a wedding or
a bar mitzvah? Bris? What?

Actually, more like a
slide show. A slide show?

Yep. See, family pictures,
and all...

except instead of being in an
album, they're on a big stick.

See you later.

Hey, Joel!
Hey, Fleischman.

Hey.
Listen.

Is it too late to cancel
my spring water atomizers?

You want to cancel?
Mmm.

Mike has been
a lot less congested lately.

Hey, we even built a fire
last night. It was no problem.

Roasted chestnuts.
Played Scrabble.

Who beat who?
No.

Go on. Tell him, tell him. This
woman is a seven-letter maniac.

Did we turn off the oven? Oh, no.

Oh, no. We better go. We told Marilyn...

we'd make a green bean
casserole for her potlatch.

Yeah. Don't let me keep you. I'll
get the check. See you, Fleischman.

See you later, Joel. All
right. Okay. See you, guys.

It was just so
hyper-realistic.

I mean,
they were, like, there.

Flesh and blood.

You ever wig out like that?
No, not really.

At first, I thought,
"I gotta be dreaming. "

But then I pinched myself, and
it hurt. Is that Red's order?

Uh-huh. Pancakes and shrimp salad.
Supposed to be link sausages.

Huh. That's the second order
I blew today.

Shelly.
Yeah, babe?

Something wrong with
your feet? Uh-uh. Why?

You're not wearing
any shoes.

Oh. Mondo weirdo.

Give this to Red,
will you?

Hey, Leonard.
Oh, morning, Chris.

You mind a visitor? I've never
really seen a totem in process.

Oh, by all means. I'm just
finishing up the detail work.

Still gotta put these teeth
into the split wolf crest.

Oh, badger tooth.
Yeah. Opercula.

It's a hardened calcium deposit. Wow.

Hey, Leonard, what does
that big eagle mean?

Ah, that's the symbol
for Marilyn's mom.

She was a riveter
for Boeing during the war.

Oh, is that right?
And the squirrel?

That's Uncle Eli. He owned
a dry goods store in Kagamil.

Wow. I dig the whole
linear development.

I mean, it's bold,
it's strong, you know.

Yeah, I feel good about this
one, Chris. It all came together.

The grain was tight, and the
cedar took the chisel nicely.

I don't know how you do it.
You know, working without a net.

I mean, I'm a constructivist,
you know, I weld my pieces.

You know, metal on metal,
shape on shape.

But sculptures, you know,
working in marble and wood.

Like Donatello, Moore. You.

One slip of the mallet,
man, it's all over.

Well, it never really
enters my mind. No kidding?

I visualize
the figures in the wood.

In a sense,
they're already there.

So really, it's just a matter of
removing everything that's excess.

First with the chainsaw,
roughing it out.

Then with the chisel
and adz.

"Liberating the figure from
the marble that imprisons it. "

Michelangelo.
Yep.

Yeah, he would've done well
with totem poles.

Hmm.

Experiencing any headaches?
No.

Have you been sleeping?
Yeah. Total snoozeland.

Well, your eyes are clear, and
there's no floaters in the vitreous.

That's a relief.
I guess.

Why don't you cover your left eye
and read the lowest line that you can.

D- E-F-P-O-T-E-C.
Good.

Now, cover the right and
the lowest line that you can.

L- E-F-O...

Shelly. Shelly.
Huh?

Finish the line.
The line?

Yeah. L-E-F, etcetera.

Dr. Fleischman, can I ask
you a personal question?

Yeah. Do you know how to tap dance?

Oh.

No.
I didn't think so.

Well, why'd you ask?

Seeing you bop around the room
in that monkey suit.

Shelly, have you sustained any
injuries to your head lately?

Me? Uh-uh. Follow my
finger with your eyes.

Well...

based on this exam and the
history that you've given me...

I mean,
I can safely say that, uh...

I mean, you seem fine.

Seem fine?
Yeah. I mean...

I can't say for sure
without an EEG or a CT scan...

but I can't seem
to find...

any physical evidence
for the hallucinations.

What I mean is, there doesn't seem
to be any neurophysiological...

or structural basis, so...

maybe we should consider
a psychiatric consultation.

Oh, boy.

Well, look, I'm not saying
that the problem is psychogenic.

I just want to cover my bases.
Oh, boy.

Shelly, it's nothing to get alarmed
about. It could be nothing more than...

Than what?
Uh, well...

it's a schizoid
personality disorder.

Which is really
nothing more...

than a little fissuration
of the mental functions.

In lay terms, it would
imply that you're...

What?

I guess it would imply
that you're kind of nuts.

Hello, Joel.
Hello, Ruth-Anne.

Don't miss the shumai.

Yeah? It's good, huh?
Mmm-hmm.

All righty.

What's these? Salmon
sticks. Mucho gusto.

Yeah? It's good with barbecue sauce.

This is great,
you know that?

Here.
Thank you.

Which reminds me of block
parties we had back in New York.

They would cordon off 79th Street
between Amsterdam and Columbus...

and there'd be crafts, and
everybody'd be having a...

I know.

Having a what?

Everybody would be
having a good time.

Yeah, right.

Excuse me. May I have
your attention, please?

Ladies and gentlemen, yeah, in the
back. Great. Thank you very much.

The unveiling of a totem pole
is always a joyous occasion.

And today that joy belongs
to the Whirlwind family.

A generous peoples,
the Whirlwinds.

Give you the shirt
right off of their back.

We all recall last year, when Lloyd
Killdeer, a member of the Bear Clan...

pulled his Achilles tendon
and couldn't sheer his sheep.

It was Ravens who pitched in
and got the wool to market.

And that's just the tip of the
iceberg. So without any further ado...

the Whirlwind Pole.

That's great!

As you can see, it's been
quite a decade for the Ravens.

Wait a minute.

We all applaud their foresight
in selling short...

on LA real estate.

And who could forget...
Come on.

...the many grandchildren that
have come to bless their houses?

And I know we all wish cousin Norman
Willowbank well on his orals...

as he completes his PhD...

in International Relations
at Stanford.

I hope you're happy.

What the hell's going on?
Bear Clan.

They can never
handle the truth.

Ed, come on.
We're out of here.

Let's go.

Ed? Ed!
Uh, uh...

Chris in the Morning.
A local news update...

for those of you
who might have missed it.

Unexpected turn of events
at today's potlatch.

Seems Bear Clan members
took offense...

to a particular fish crest
on the Whirlwind totem pole.

Now, I'm not hip
to the details...

but it seems that the Ravens'
take on family history...

is at wide variance
with that of the Bears.

Tempers at this time
are running pretty high...

and the Bears have called
for a retraction...

and the Ravens aren't even
answering the phone.

Good afternoon, Marilyn.
Hi, Maurice.

Ed, here's your pork loin
on wheat.

And, Maurice, smelt with
the jackets on, side of slaw.

Yeah. Thanks, Dave. Sweeten
that up for me, would you?

You bet. Maurice, tell
Dave I'll have the same.

You get that, Dave?

Please inform Marilyn I'd rather
pluck my eyes out than serve her.

You're just jealous
'cause Harold was a success.

He was a crook. He stole
his seed money from Roland.

Roland made that up 'cause he
ran the business into the ground.

The Ravens have no right
to that fish!

What the hell's
going on here?

Who's Roland, and Harold,
and what's this about a fish?

It's all about the fish crest
in the second tier, Maurice.

It pays tribute to Marilyn's
great Uncle Harold...

who owned
a salmon cannery in Sitka.

So?

Well, you gotta understand.
Harold's a very controversial figure.

He opened an auto repair shop with
Dave's great uncle, Roland Killdeer.

And the Bears claim
he embezzled the money...

to start the cannery
from Roland.

Whereas the Ravens
claim that...

Harold found the money in a
coffee can under the kitchen floor.

Harold Whirlwind and Roland
Killdeer. I can't place the names.

Oh, that's because they're dead. Dead?

Yeah. See,
this all happened in 1934.

Well, that's 60 years ago.

These people are still
upset about that? Yeah.

Actually, there's been a couple
of other incidents since then.

In 1961, Betty Killdeer got the
first washing machine in Cicely...

and she wouldn't let any of
the Whirlwind women use it.

And then, in 1978, the
Whirlwinds got a satellite dish...

but they wouldn't let any
of the Bears plug into it.

So the Bears retaliated by not inviting
the Ravens to their New Year's Eve party.

I don't think anyone
ever got over that one.

Uh-oh.

Couple of feud
closures just in.

Raven Brothers flea market postponed
indefinitely, result of a Bear boycott.

Inuit Knitting Society Crafts Fair and
Pattern Exchange canceled till further notice.

You know, family feuds are
familiar territory to this DJ.

Back in 1912, my
great-great-granddaddy, Hank...

shot his third cousin once
removed, Deputy Lou Miller...

in the neck for busting up his
still and peeing in his corn mash.

Some 80 years later, to this
very day, in West Virginia...

my cousins Jake and Kenny still like
to whip Millers in the schoolyard...

just for being Millers.

You know, they say that blood
is thicker than water.

Maybe that's why we battle our own
with much more energy and gusto...

than we would ever
expend on strangers.

Hey, Shelly. What's going
on? Lots. We gotta talk.

I need to be shrunk.
Shrunk, like...

Yeah. I was gonna call KZAB.

They used to have a head shrinker
on after the farm report...

but they went country,
and yanked him.

So, well,
you're the closest thing.

Oh, cool.
I'm into that. Shoot.

It's about these dancers.
I see them wherever I go.

Dancers?
10-4.

In the bar, in the street,
in Dr. Fleischman's office.

But they're, like,
not really there.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you
right off the bat, Shelly...

it could be
a couple of possibilities.

Yeah?
Oh, yeah.

It could be just your standard,
revelatory experience...

you know, like a case
of religious ecstasy...

a glimpse of the transcendent, you
know, like Moses and the burning bush...

or Joseph Smith
and the angel Moroni.

You know, some kind of
thing like that. Huh.

Or it could just be
some bad acid.

You know, my friend Roach, in West
Virginia in 1985, dropped some funky yellow.

He's still seeing Gila
monsters to this very day.

Oh.

The mind, Shelly, it is
this strange ball of goo.

You know, my friend, Tooley,
he had his fair share of both...

religiously-inspired and
chemically-induced visions.

I think he had the healthiest
take on it all. He'd say to me...

"Chris, as long as they're still on
the wall and not crawling up your leg...

"let 'em ride, man. "

You know?
Huh.

Hey, Fleischman,
I have your IV solutions.

Man, is it my imagination, or is 5%
dextrose and water getting heavier?

So this is
how it is, huh?

You weren't even
gonna tell me?

Tell you?

What, you don't think I deserve the
courtesy of an explanation, is that it?

What are you talking about?
Please, don't demean yourself...

any further by pretending you
don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about you and him.
Him?

Yeah, Mike. You know, you're
little public displays...

your hand-holding
and your little whispers...

and the secret smiles.
I mean, come on.

Any moron can tell that the two of
you are fornicating like jackrabbits.

So?
So? What are you?

Are you made of granite?
Of ice? Fleischman...

why should I tell you
about my private life?

Why? Because I am
significant to you.

Because we are involved.
We have a relationship.

We have a relationship?
That's right.

No, Fleischman, we don't
have a relationship-

We certainly do. No, excuse
me. Am I wearing your pin?

Are we going steady?

You're not gonna get out of it
on a technicality, O'Connell.

We were an item,
and you knew it...

and I knew it. Everybody,
the whole world knew it.

Fleischman, there was
nothing to know.

What would you call
the last two and a half years?

What would you call sexual relations?
Sexual relation. One. Singular.

Well, what would you call taking
me home to meet your grandmother?

Oh, now you're really
out there, Fleischman.

See, you have stringed together
a few unrelated incidents...

and you've concocted
some sort of romantic fantasy.

Wait, wait, wait.
What? I'm sorry.

Fantasy?
Did you say fantasy?

Let me just get this straight. You're
saying that I, what, I dreamt this up?

That I just made this up. That
there's nothing there? Is that it?

That we're just, just-
Yes. That we're just just.

No, we're not just just.

We are just whatever,
and whatever that is...

it implies a certain chemistry
and an intensity and a passion!

Yeah, so don't stand there and try
and tell me that we're just just.

Because we both know
better than that!

Hey, Leonard.
Hey, Chris.

You got a sec?
Yeah, you want to join me?

Yeah, why not. I was just over there
looking at the fish crest, you know...

that's got everybody's
quills up in the air. Mmm-hmm.

It's so small. It's almost like you
could pop it out with a two-point adz.

French fry?
No, no.

It doesn't even begin
to touch the emergent line...

you know, that runs along
the grain to the bear paw?

You know, a little wood
filler, some carpentry glue...

you know, sand it down maybe.
Wouldn't even know it was there.

What are you saying?
I should remove the fish?

No, I'm just, you know...

I don't know, it'd probably
save everybody a lot of grief.

I can't do that.
The fish stays.

Leonard, do you
really think...

that Harold found that money
in an old coffee can? Come on.

I don't know. If you ask
me, that's a very iffy tale.

See, we're not talking about
historical accuracy, Chris...

we're talking about art.

I've set in motion
a geometric inevitability.

If I start chiseling there and chipping
here, the whole form's compromised.

Right?
You're right. I mean...

what if Rodin had rolled over and
put Balzac in a three-piece suit?

The piece would have lost its
overpowering monolithic presence.

Yeah, and Seurat, you know.

You take one little dot
out of Picnic In The Park...

you lose an eye,
a nose, a smile.

Would you pull a chapter
out of Sound and the Fury...

or take the andante out of
Mozart's G minor Symphony? Hmm?

No, you wouldn't.
Right.

Leonard, I'm sorry, man.

I just- Sometimes
I lose myself.

That pole is perfect.
Don't touch it.

Yeah. I'm gonna
get you a beer.

I love that pole. Big Dave,
give me a tall one, pronto!

Unbelievable.

I mean, I'm standing there, listening
to Fleischman raving like a lunatic.

I mean, he's going on and on.
And then, I start to think...

"Wait a minute,
maybe I'm crazy. "

I mean,
maybe we did have a...

Whatever.

Can you pass me those basil
seedlings? Oh, yeah, sure.

But then I did a reality
check. I said, "Wait a minute...

"of course,
we didn't have a whatever. "

I mean, yes, it's obvious
we know each other.

Okay. And then I'll admit...

we were thrust into some,
you know, intimate situations.

But, you know,
I suppose, in a way...

I can understand how in Fleischman's
fevered, twisted imagination...

he could see how
we had a whatever.

You know. I mean,
not that I would call it that.

I mean, I would call it a...

whatever.

Potting soil?

Right there, hon.

Anyway, the point is, why did
Fleischman feel the need to do that?

And when you think about that,
the answer is obvious.

He was hurt,
you know?

I mean, Fleischman is a very
angry, very insecure individual.

And he wanted something. He wanted
me, you know, and he lost, and you won.

You got me. So he felt the
need to compensate, I suppose.

You know, and in a way,
I feel sorry for him.

I mean, he looks at us, and he
sees us happy and together...

and he's alone,
and he has no one.

I know what you're thinking.

You do? Yes, you think
I should go to him...

talk to him
and straighten things out.

You're right, okay?
You're right.

I mean, yes, Fleischman is
a screwed up individual...

but, you know, he's not totally bad.
He has a few endearing qualities.

I mean, he's pretty smart, and
he has an okay sense of humor...

and he's almost,
almost fun to be with.

I mean, why can't we all be friends?

Why does this have
to be a win-lose situation?

Why can't it be a win-win
for everybody? Right.

You know,
you're incredible.

Most guys would have a problem if the
woman they're seriously involved with...

tried to patch things up
with their ex-whatever.

But, I mean,
that just goes to show...

what a strong and incredibly
confident man you are.

Hi, Shelly.
Oh, hi, Leonard.

Oh, man, not again.

You okay? Shelly?

I'm going seriously psycho,
Leonard. Ah, dancers.

You saw 'em, too?
No.

Oh. But I recognize the signs.

What signs? The signs of
someone seeing dancers.

Eyes glazed over, pupils dilate,
slight involuntary rhythmic swaying.

You mean this happens
to other people?

Oh, sure. I see it in my
practice a few times a year.

Really? What can I do to make it stop?

Get married.
Huh?

You see, the dancers are an
expression of the subconscious drive.

A dream symbol.

In Freudian theory, for instance,
a snake symbolizes the penis.

A dream of crumbling teeth
indicates a fear of castration.

Wow.

And clearly, to you, as to a
lot of people, life is a dance.

And for that, you need
a partner, a husband.

If I get hitched to Holling,
the dancers'll take a hike?

Absolutely.

Or not.

Thanks, Leonard.

Dave, could you come catch
table four for me?

We're swamped.

Holling, those are Ravens out
there. Not in here, they're not.

In here,
they are customers, Dave.

Holling...
Shelly, where have you been?

...you gotta marry me.
What?

I know you get all freaked about trucking
down the aisle, but don't worry...

this is not like some heavy-duty
romance commitment thing.

More like Bengay
for your back after work.

I need to get hitched
to make the dancers go away.

You want me
to marry you, Shelly?

10-4. Don't take this wrong,
Holling, it's nothing personal.

But if you can't, I'll
have to find somebody else.

If you need some time
to think about it, go ahead.

All right.
You will?

I'd be honored and proud
to make you my wife, Shelly.

Dynamite! Thanks, Holling.
Thanks heaps.

I'll go find Chris. See if he
can set up the gig for tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Well, it's
probably too late for tonight.

I owe you one, Big H.

Anybody home?
Yeah.

Hold on.

Hi.
Yeah. What?

Here. I got this, just
for you. It's cheesecake.

Cheesecake, huh?

I was in Anchorage, and there's
this little deli on Spruce.

They have great pastrami
sandwiches and pickles.

Very New York. Well, at
least that's what I'm told...

and I saw that in the
window, and I thought...

"Cheesecake. I bet
Fleischman would like that. "

Yeah, well, that's very nice,
O'Connell, but, what can I do for you?

Well, truthfully, I just thought
it'd be really good if we could talk.

All right.
Okay.

Well, now I was just thinking about
what you were saying about you and me...

and, us.

And actually, you were right, in a way.

I mean, there is
a history between us.

I mean, well, not history in
the sense of "history" history...

but there is a certain...

Whatever?
Right.

Well, is there some point?
Yes, actually.

You know, even though...

Mike and I have this very caring,
very understanding relationship...

that doesn't mean that
you and I can't be friends.

Friends, huh?
Right.

So, you want
to be friends?

Yes.

Yes. I'd like
that very much.

No.
No?

No. We are definitely
not friends, O'Connell.

Because, you know, think about
what friends do. What do they do?

They have dinners, and they have
conversations, and they go to the movies...

and they help each other move and
- So?

So?

Well, friends don't
go into barns...

and tear each other's clothes off
in an uncontrolled sexual frenzy...

and then proceed to go at it
in the dirt, now do they?

Fleischman,
that was the Cohos.

That was an animalistic,
wind-induced bit of insanity.

That wasn't the wind, O'Connell.
What is it with the wind up here?

It was you and me.
It was sex...

which has been there
since day one, lurking...

like this hormonal monster in
the corner just waiting to pounce.

Fleischman, I'm not saying
there hasn't been...

a base animal attraction between
the two of us. But so what?

I mean, people have
disgusting urges all the time.

I mean, they have urges
to kill one another.

That doesn't mean
they go ahead and do it.

Look, you can delude yourself all
you want, but this thing between us...

whatever it might be, is not something
that you're going to domesticate...

by putting in a box and
mislabeling it "my little friend. "

Hey, I do not need to
domesticate our relationship.

I can beat it to death
with a stick.

I can make hamburger out of it
and eat it for lunch.

Fine. And you can top it off with
some ersatz Alaskan cheesecake.

Thanks. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Chris in the Morning
on KBHR.

5, 000 watts of AM
in your ear.

Taking today's social temperature,
it's still pretty frosty outside.

No end in sight.

I understand the Raven's are
now planning to stonewall...

the annual fish head dinner
over at Lake McLain.

For their part, the Bowling Bears
of the Borough of Arrowhead County...

Bowling League have dropped out of
Leo's Auto Shop Showdown Tourney.

Where's it all going
to end, folks?

Here's an item I think
we can all get behind.

The honorable Holling Vincoeur
and the foxy Miss Shelly Tambo...

hereby announce their pending
nuptials, 2:00 today at the church.

I know it's short notice, but the
bride-to-be is pushing for a quickie.

Medical emergency. No, it's
not what you're thinking.

Anyway, I know a couple of us have been
down the aisle with these people before.

Maybe this time they'll
make it to the altar, right?

Anyway, we'll keep our
collective fingers crossed.

It's open.
Maurice, you have a minute?

Holling...

I guess congratulations
are in order.

I know what you must be
thinking right now. I mean...

I've been so reluctant to
make the plunge in the past.

Why now, right? I've been turning
it over and over in my mind...

and asking myself
the same question.

All these years...

I guess I just needed
somebody to ask me.

Hmm.

I've always thought of marriage
as a yoke around my neck...

but saying yes to Shelly
actually made me feel free.

I tell you, Maurice, my heart feels
like it's beating right out of my skin.

I feel so full,
so strong...

so planted
on these two feet.

Look here.

This belonged
to my mother.

Can't you just see that gracing
Shelly's fine, delicate hand?

Is there something
I can do for you, Holling?

Maurice, I know that our wedding
has got to pain you some...

seeing that you loved Shelly so
desperately and wanted her for you own.

And, without a question,
Shelly is a glorious prize...

and you must feel diminished
seeing her being betrothed to me.

Do you want to get
to the point, Holling?

What I'm trying
to say, Maurice...

I'd like for you to be
best man at the wedding.

Best man? It would mean so much to me...

and Shelly, both.

All right, Holling,
I'll ride shotgun for you.

Thank you, Maurice. That is
just the frosting on my cake.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You know, I know it is
customary for the groom...

to give the wedding party
a gift of appreciation.

And you, well...

you are my wedding party.
So here.

Money clip. Well, that's
genuine Yukon silver.

I better get on over to the
church and hang some streamers.

Got to see to the mulled
wine and finger sandwiches.

I'm here
for my allergy booster.

I'll just have a seat until
Dr. Fleischman's available.

You know, Marilyn, those allergy
shots are pretty effective.

I very rarely ever have
a sinus headache anymore.

And it seems I've almost completely
lost my sensitivity to fireweed pollen.

Harold didn't
steal the money.

Hey, Marilyn...

I know I put my Armani tie in the
top drawer by the Yellow Pages...

Hey, Ed. Good morning, Dr. Fleischman.

Did you see it?
It had a...

It was a geometric pattern,
kind of purpley and green.

No.

Oh, I think it was in the splint
drawer, that's where it is.

You sure you didn't see it?
I got it. I got it.

So, I see you guys patched
things up, huh? Good.

Very mensch-y.
Forgive and forget.

I am definitely impressed
with both of you.

But we should be getting
a move on...

'cause we'll be late
for the wedding.

It was called for 2:00...

but I think we should
get there early, you know.

Although, you never know
with Holling and Shelly...

it could be over
before it begins.

Hi, Claire. Don't you
look pretty. Grab a seat.

Hi, Winnifred, nice to
see you. Have a seat.

Hi, Mrs. Whirlwind.
In you go.

You look lovely, dear. The dress,
it still fits just like a glove.

Try not to shilly-shally on your
way to the pew, okay, Ruth-Anne?

I want to get
this dealie done.

Hi.
Hi. Congratulations, Shelly.

Thanks. In you go.
Have a seat. Yeah. Okay.

Hi, Jake. Still some seats
in the back. Go grab one.

I mean, we'll sit back there.
That's nice.

Here, let me grab
your jacket.

Look at Shelly in that
pretty, white dress.

Isn't she just as
scrumptious as a little angel?

You know, I don't know
if I can call her an angel.

I hope that's everybody.
I'm closing the door.

Last call! Oh, boy.

Marilyn, hit it!
I'm coming down!

Marilyn, can it.
Okay, let's roll.

Oh, okay. Marriage, you've probably
read in Time and Newsweek...

that it's a dying institution, but
try booking a reception hall in June.

Like the proverbial
lemmings at the cliff...

everybody's still lining up
to take the big plunge.

Chris, can we just
get to the nitty-gritty?

You know, the "do you take" and
the "till death do us part" part?

Holling, is it okay with you
if I cut to the chase?

Well, whatever
Shelly wants.

Do you take me for your
lawfully wedded squeeze?

Yes, I do, certainly. Most assured.
Me, too. Chris, put a knot on it.

By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you legal.

May I kiss the bride?
Yep.

Oh, we'll suck face later, babe.
Right now I gotta check something out.

Hi, Leonard. May I come in? Sure, Ed.

Well, what's this?

Oh, I'm starting a commission
for the Green Trees.

Walrus Clan,
out of Sleetmute.

Sure is a big pole.
Big family.

Leonard, you probably know that,
well, for the last six years...

the Ravens and the Bears
have been getting together...

for Sunday brunch
over at the bingo hall.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, this Sunday, that
brunch has been canceled.

And so has the 50K
charity dogsled race.

Leonard, the Whirlwind pole's just
tearing the fabric of this town apart.

Well, that's nothing new.

Throughout history people have
always been passionate about art.

It's gone
too far, Leonard.

Somebody's gotta
do something.

Somebody with a lot of clout, like
Don Corleone in The Godfather I.

Do you know the movie?
Do I know the movie?

I have the trilogy on tape.

Well, then you remember how they sent
Luca Brasi to sleep with the fishes...

badly wounded
Don Corleone himself...

and lured his first-born son, Sonny, out
of the house and shot him at the tollbooth.

And even still, Don Corleone was able
to overcome his desire for revenge...

and he called all the five families
together for a big meeting...

and he said, "Enough. "

Basta.
Basta.

Stand back!
Watch your eyes!

It's open.

Hi.

Oh, what do you want,
Fleischman?

Look, I gotta talk to you.
I've been thinking about us.

Oh, here we go again.

Well, look, it's been
really gnawing at me...

that I cannot come up with a word to
describe what we are to one another.

I mean, I admit
we're not lovers.

That would imply more
than one sexual peccadillo.

This would imply an on-going
romantic relationship...

which we are definitely
not having, right?

But we're also- We're not
a one night stand, right?

I mean, we're not a chance,
anonymous coupling.

Right?
You admit this?

Do you admit that?
Yeah.

Yeah. Well, what are we?
Because we are basically...

We are two people,
we don't like each other...

we irritate
and annoy each other...

but at the same time,
we have...

this incredibly
powerful abiding...

whatever. You know, what do
you call that? I don't know.

I mean, all afternoon
I'm chewing on this...

and all I could come up with
is some stupid medical analogy.

Medical?
Yeah.

It's like there are certain drugs
that are well and good by themselves...

but when you put 'em together, they have
a disastrous reaction in the patient.

Like warfarin
and aspirin, right?

I mean, these are excellent anti-coagulants,
but when you put them together, whammo.

I mean, literally, you can hemorrhage.
You can bleed to death. So...

Yeah? Maybe that's
what we are, you know.

In medicine, they're called mutually
repellant drugs. Mutually repellant drugs.

Incompatibles.
Incompatibles?

Well, all right,
I can buy that.

But that doesn't do
anything to suggest...

The craving.
Right.

Well, that's my problem.

You know, I guess we need an
adjective. You mean, like a modifier?

A qualifier of sorts?
Right. Something like...

Affectionate.
Affectionate incompatibles.

Mmm-mmm.

No.

Enamored.
Enamored?

Enamored incompatibles. No.
No.

You're right.
How about desirous?

Desirous? Mutually
desirous incompatibles.

I like that. Mutually
desirous incompatibles.

Yeah, that's what we are.

I can live with that.

Good night, my mutually
desirous incompatible.

Good night.

Shelly, I want you to
know how sorry I am. Sorry?

Well, slinging hash and bussing tables,
that's no kind of honeymoon for anybody.

It was just such short notice.
No sweat, Holling.

I am so blissed out.
Who cares about a honeymoon?

You're happy, then?

Are you kidding?

I haven't seen a single
dancer since we got hitched.

Oh. By the way,
you forgot this on the sink.

You're probably
just not used to wearing it.

Holling, don't get
bummed or anything...

but to tell you the truth, I
got a problem with this ring.

Why? Does it need to be
sized? No, it fits okay.

It just makes me feel like
some kind of skanky old bag.

See, the thing is, when a
chick wears a wedding ring...

it's like a "Keep off
the grass" sign or something.

Guys just don't look
at her the same anymore.

They don't ogle her boobs,
or try to cop a feel.

They don't even slap her buns when
she bends over to pick up a spoon.

Maybe it's hard
for a guy to understand...

but when a chick puts
on a wedding ring...

she might as well hang up her
spandex pants and snakeskin boots...

'cause her struttin' days
are over.

I see.

Hey, babe...

that doesn't mean I don't have a
steel-belted radial around my heart.

Come here.

Well, I'd like to thank you
all for coming once again.

As we know, there've been a lot of bad
feelings about the Whirlwind totem pole.

And to tell you the truth, the
whole thing just reminds me...

of Scorsese's
Last Temptation of Christ.

You know, a lot of people got really upset
with Marty and his cinematic vision...

and, well, boycotted
Universal Studios and stuff.

In any case, though, I asked Leonard here
if he thought that there was anything...

that he could do
about the situation...

without sacrificing
his artistic principles...

and, well, you know, let me
just let him tell you about it.

It was tough.

And I'm not gonna kid you,
it was a hard thing to do.

Inspiration finally came by way of
the Federal Communications Commission.

And, as you might know, they've long
advocated a policy of equal time.

So, in the spirit of the fairness
doctrine, see what you think of this.

Well, there we
have it, folks...

two totems poles,
exactly the same.

Well, only different.

I don't get it. Aren't they
the same pole? No fish crest.

Where?
On the left.

Oh.

Well, Marilyn?
I can live with it.

You know...

I'd forgotten about your parent's
silver wedding anniversary.

You brought that polka
band in from Montreal.

Everybody danced
all night.

We had a real good time.
Yeah.

I think I'll have
a cup of coffee.

Sounds good.
Me, too.

They're rolling sideways.
Yeah.