Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 4, Episode 14 - Grosse Pointe, 48230 - full transcript

No, no, no.
A thousand times, no!

Fleischman, do not be
such a stick-in-the-mud!

Where's your sense of
adventure? Are you deaf?

I mean, do you not understand
the English language? N- O, forget it!

End of discussion. Please!

Fleischman.
Fleischman, please.

It is my Grammy's
80th birthday.

It's just two days. Two days. All
expenses paid, it will not cost you a dime.

Everything's on me. You
know, you are unbelievable.

I just can't believe, all
this trouble and expense...

so you just don't have to face your
family without a boyfriend in tow.



Great Middle Eastern food
in Detroit, Fleischman.

Lamb kebabs,
baba ganoush, tabouli.

What happened
to Mikey, huh?

Doesn't want to miss
his mung bean harvest?

Or maybe a weekend in Detroit
didn't exactly light his lamp either.

Fleischman, you know he cannot survive
the sealed environment of an airplane.

Besides, the monoxides
in Detroit would kill him.

O'Connell, I am not going.

You know, if it was a weekend
in Hawaii or Hong Kong, London...

maybe I'd do you a favor,
but we're talking Detroit.

What do they call it?
"Cleveland without the glitter"?

There is nothing that you
or anybody else could say...

to make me want to spend
a weekend in Detroit.

Are you sure about that,
Fleischman?



What are those?
Tickets.

To what?
Pistons.

Those are Pistons tickets?
Detroit Pistons tickets?

Mmm-hmm.

Nah. Nice try, though.

Let's see,
what does it say here?

"Detroit Pistons vs.
New York Knickerbockers. "

The Knicks?

You got
Knicks-Pistons tickets?

Floor seats, center court.

Let me see these.
Let me see 'em.

Where did you get these?

You can't get these.

These are floor seats,
Knicks-Pistons, center court.

Boat leaves Saturday morning,
don't forget your toothbrush.

No, Mother, it's fine
you're not meeting us.

No, I'm not just saying that,
really. We need a car anyway.

What? Airbags?

Okay, Mom, we'll get a car
with airbags.

Who?

The McCaffrey sisters, yeah.
Reverend Harding, yeah.

Mom, this isn't really the time
to go over the guest list, okay?

We're kind of in a hurry.
Yes, blue tablecloth.

Okay, Mother, I think we're
getting a bad connection.

I'll see you later,
Mother. Bye!

What am I doing? Why?

Who am I kidding,
I mean, why do I think...

every time I go home,
it's gonna be different?

Boy, this guy, Mason, that
the Knicks got from New Jersey?

I don't know why they let
him go. The guy's a jewel.

He starts tonight,
him and Ewing in the middle.

There's going to be
a wall around the paint.

Well, it'll be worth it
to see my Grammy.

I mean, after all, she is
going to be 80 years old.

She's really sweet.
I love her.

She used to let me stay
up late and play gin rummy.

You know, I got to tell you,
O'Connell, I've had good seats before.

I saw the NCAA Eastern
Regionals from second row loge...

but I never sat
on the floor.

I mean, you're gonna have to towel
Patrick Ewing's sweat off my face.

You know,
it's just my mother.

She's relentless. She's like a
perpetual motion emotional machine.

She just doesn't let up.

And then, of course,
there's Jeffy.

Mr. Trickle-Down economics.
Your brother.

Oh, I forgot, you'll
probably like him, Fleischman.

Let's put this
into perspective, okay?

Whatever happens with kith or kin,
you are going to have yourself...

one hell of a seminal
basketball experience.

Yeah, I just wish
I had a normal family.

Like, I don't know,
Garry Trudeau.

Yeah, him and Jane Pauley.

Now, there is a nice family.

Don't flatter yourself.
Your family is no crazier...

than any other American
nuclear unit, believe me.

Oh yeah? Well, what would you say
to a father who, at 58 years old...

quits his job and buys a
buffalo ranch in South Dakota?

I'd say, I would not be
surprised if he had a daughter...

who was a bush pilot
in the wilds of Alaska.

Fine, Fleischman, fine.

Psychologically, separation is all part
of becoming a normal, healthy adult.

And eventually, we all grow up and
we realize that we're all loony...

in our own unique and
highly individualized ways.

Maybe you're right.

Shall we get
this show on the road?

Yeah.
Great.

I'll grab this.
Okay.

I like it.
Fleischman...

I do.

I mean, these people are
clearly comfortable...

being in
the upper 10th of 1%.

Is this yours here?
Yep.

It's nice.

That one's nice, too.

Yeah, that's the Bennetts'.

Kelleys' across the street.

That Colonial is the Greens'.

And where would
the Greenbergs be?

Greenbergs?
Yeah.

I don't remember
any Greenbergs.

What?

No Greenbergs,
no Greenblatts.

I'll bet there isn't a Jew
within 10 radial miles of here.

Fleischman, that is
not true. We have Jews.

Name one. Debbie Ellis, she was Jewish.

Ellis? Uh-uh. That's not
a Jewish name, O'Connell.

She was Jewish, I'm sure of
it. Her father or somebody.

Besides, she was you know...
What?

Smart. Smart and funny.

Hello!

Hey!
Maggie!

Hi.
Hi.

Oh, you made it.
Yes.

Oh, you look wonderful.

I don't know what your mom's talking
about, I love your hair that way.

It's so cute.

This is, Dr. Joel Fleischman. Fleischman,
this is my sister-in-law, Stephie.

Hi. Hi.
Hi.

So, what's going on?
Where's Grammy? Upstairs.

Upstairs?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, yeah,
your mom's upstairs, too.

Steph, here's
your pocketbook.

I can't find a Kleenex.

Whoa, hey.
Hey.

Hey, squirrel-face.
Oh.

Squirrel-face.

Jeffy, long time no see, huh? Yeah.

This is Dr. Joel Fleischman, This
is Jeffery O'Connell, my brother.

Hi.
Hi, how are you?

Jeffy.
Jeffy.

So, Mom and Grammy are
upstairs? Yeah, for hours, now.

She's all right, isn't she?
Oh, yeah.

Nothing a straitjacket and a week
in the booby hatch wouldn't fix.

Oh, Mom?

Any progress?
Oh, not one whit!

Oh! Mary Margaret.

Hey, Mother.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're here.

Did you remember to take
Oak Grove like I told you to?

They've had Mills Road
torn up for six months now.

Yes, Mother.
Mother, what's going on?

Your grandmother's locked
herself in the bathroom.

Of all days
to pull a stunt like this!

Joel, so glad to see you
could make it. Thank you.

Oh, here, let's put these
in the closet.

All right, I got it.

Mother? Mother?

Mother? Mother!

Grammy locked herself
in the bathroom? Mmm-hmm.

Why? Why did Grammy lock herself
in the bathroom? It's beyond me.

But everybody came,
and I went up...

and she was in the bathroom
and she wouldn't come out.

I have been up and down
these stairs three times.

I've run out of ideas.

Why don't you
take a crack at her, dear?

Yeah, come on.

Jeffy!

Grammy.

Grammy, what's going on?

Are you okay?
Who is it?

Well, it's me.
Mary Margaret.

Is that you,
Mary Margaret?

Yeah, Grammy, it's me.
What are you doing here?

Well, it was supposed
to be a surprise.

Are you coming down anytime soon? No.

Well, can I
come in?

Are you alone?

Jane, take all your busy-bees
and clear out of here...

or I am going to
turn on all the faucets...

and flood this house,
do you hear me?

Yes, Mother.

The old battle-ax.

Okay, Grammy, they're
gone, it's just me.

Okay, come in, quick!

Your mother threatened
to call the fire department...

like I was a stray cat
up a tree.

Grammy, what's going on?

I mean, are you okay?

I'm looking for a match, you
don't happen to have one, do you?

A match? No.

Look, Grammy,
look, everybody's downstairs.

Don't you want to go
downstairs? No, you go on ahead.

I don't wanna go.

Are you okay?

I'm fine, dear.

I just... I don't know.

I came in here to do my hair, and
I simply didn't feel like going.

Maybe I couldn't face the
thought of another honey ham.

Well, you look pretty,
Grammy. You really do.

Look what I found
in the medicine chest.

An old bottle of lilac water. Now,
what was it doing in the chest?

Who uses it anymore?

I don't know, it's always
been there, though.

My mother used to
slop it all over herself.

Oh, it's turned.

Pretty bottle.
You want it?

No, I don't think so.

Me neither.

Would you do me a favor?
Mmm-hmm.

I have some matches
under my pillow.

Matches underneath
your pillow?

Well, I smoke at night when everybody's
sleeping. Would you get them for me?

Grammy, you know
smoking's bad for you.

I'm 80 years old, Mary
Margaret. What could happen?

Okay, all right. I'll
get you an ashtray, too.

See you in a bit.

So tell us, Joel, how did
you and Mary Margaret meet?

Well, you know...

a town of 849 people...

I couldn't not meet her.

Isn't that interesting?

I take it, Joel,
you're not one of these...

snowshoe and dog sled kooks
like my sis.

No, not me. I'm actually fulfilling
a contractual obligation...

to the State of Alaska. There's a little
dispute over the length of service, but...

I don't get it. What exactly
is she doing up there?

This plane-flying thing. What's
that, some Amelia Earhart complex?

Anyone for a deviled egg?
They're yummy.

Joel?
Oh, no, thanks.

Take a look
around here, Joel.

Please.

What do you think
is so wrong with this place?

Streets too clean?

Not enough junk cars
parked on the lawn?

I think it's time
little Mary Margaret...

turned in her Eurail pass
and her knapsack...

and took her place
in the car pool.

Why would you
say that, Jeffy?

I think she's very brave to
set off on her own like that.

I'm very proud of her.
Brave?

Everybody knows it's the loose
screws that leave home, Stephie.

The malcontents,
the misfires.

The square pegs.

I'll get it.
I mean, am I wrong, Joel?

Well-
Excuse me.

Fleischman? Is that German?

Oh, yeah, actually.
Yiddish German.

You know, Joel...

Reverend Harding's father,
Reverend Harding...

was our pastor for 42 years
until he passed on last year.

We like to say Dwight went
into the family business.

Joel. Hey, Joel,
get over here, come here.

I want you to meet
a close friend of the family.

Jed Fleming,
this is Dr. Joel Fleischman.

How do you do?
Good, how you doing?

This is my sister's new hedge
against inflation.

Dragged him down here
all the way from Alaska.

Is that right? Didn't know
Maggie was bringing somebody.

Cold one for you, Jedster? That
would be great. Thanks, Jeffy.

Sorry I'm late. I was putting
a new hull on the Fortune Five.

It's a 48-footer, three masts.
Nice little schooner. Nice.

Deviled egg?
Definitely. Thanks.

Sure?
Yeah.

Whoa.
Whoops.

Here you go.
Thanks.

Mrs. Reed, deviled egg?

So, where's Maggie?
Good question.

Yeah, he was a lot of fun.

Well, was he a keeper?

Rick? A keeper?

Well, you know, if he hadn't
been smooshed by that satellite...

were there marriage plans
on the horizon?

Marriage, with Rick?

It's not so uncommon,
is it?

Well, no, I guess not. I mean,
we talked, but it was just talk.

What kind of talk is that?

Well, you know, big wedding, small
wedding, how many kids, that sort of thing.

But it was never
really serious.

I mean, I never got a ring
or anything like that.

Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no, no.

Really, I didn't care.
Why not?

Well, I cared, but I just
didn't "care," care, you know.

Besides, at his funeral, this
other girlfriend shows up.

And then I find out he had a
different one for each day of the week.

Anyway, even before that, I didn't
care, really. Truthfully, I didn't.

About marriage.

Well, at least to him.

Good for you.

Mother. This is it!

Jane, do you have wax in your
ears? I told you to go away!

Mother, this has gone on
long enough.

Now, I'm putting the ham
on the table...

The buffet is set and we are lighting
that cake in five minutes flat.

She's bluffing. She was
planning to eat at 4:00, anyway.

I am not kidding! Now, this has...
This has ceased to be humorous.

Mary Margaret,
are you still in there?

Yes, Mother.
Good.

Now, you get your grandmother
downstairs right now, or I'll...

Well, I don't know what I'll
do, but this is not very nice.

Jane, I said go away,
leave me alone.

Scram, scat!

That is just
incredibly rude.

I think that did it.

Oh, I'm almost out.

You know, maybe I better go
smooth her feathers.

She always made me
feel guilty, too.

Mother?
Well, don't be surprised.

She's been pulling that ever
since she was a little girl.

Poor Jane, always getting
the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

Passive-aggressive.

That what they call it?
Mmm.

Can I have a puff?

Well, don't hot box it.
Okay. I won't.

Well, we know
one thing for sure.

What's that?

We won't run out
of mayonnaise.

Tell me something, what don't
you guys put this stuff on?

The way you spread it around,
you'd think it was mortar.

I guess.

Say, Joel, do you mind if I
ask you a personal question?

$465 a month after taxes.

No, I'm not married and I
haven't had sex in two years.

You said personal.

Oh, no, I had a different
sort of question in mind.

Yeah, shoot.
Okay.

It seems to me, and
correct me if I'm wrong...

but the practice of Judaism is
a system of ethical behavior.

You follow the law. I mean, there's
no thought about an eternal reward.

Eternal reward?
What, you mean like heaven?

Right, and don't
get me wrong...

I like the idea of goodness
for it's own sake...

but on the other hand, doesn't
it, well, gnaw at you...

the thought that there's no
afterlife? That this is it.

That when we die,
there's nothing.

I mean,
even if that were true...

how do you live with that?

How can you stand it?

Huh.

Well, you know...

I'll tell you, Reverend, I
mean, speaking for myself...

not as a spokesperson for
the entire Jewish faith...

because, I mean,
it would be impossible.

Because, well, when was the last time
you heard 10 Jews agree on anything?

Except maybe Israel,
but for me, Reverend...

for me, the fact
that when we die...

we are nothing more
than worm meat...

I just don't
think about it.

Oh, good, everyone's
helping themselves.

We can be happy, can't we,
even if Mother won't come down?

Excuse me, Mrs. O'Connell, is
there a phone that I can use?

I just want to call that box office
and double-check on the tip-off time.

Yes, it's right through that
door. Great, thank you. Excuse me.

Hi.

Excuse me, I was just told
I could use this phone here.

Oh, please, go ahead,
don't mind me.

Are you all right?
Yes.

I just hate him so much.
Who?

Jeffy.

Oh.

Do you know
what he said today?

He said, "Maybe you wouldn't
cry so much if you had a job. "

A job. You know, he's the one who
told me he did not want me to work.

I would have worked.

I mean, I know I cry a lot.
I know that.

But I didn't used to.

Can I get you anything, maybe a
glass of water, aspirin or something?

I'm leaving him tomorrow, but
don't tell anyone. You promise?

Okay.

Because nobody knows.
Okay.

So, you can't
tell anyone, okay?

Who would I tell?

But...

You know what? Maybe...

I'll bet there's another phone
in another room...

I'll just...
I'll leave you alone.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, that's great,
that's great.

Oh, God.

So what did
Dr. Swaney say?

Oh, I didn't go to Swaney. He would
just have found something wrong.

But Grammy, they can do
incredible things these days.

They could put in
a whole new knee.

And when would it stop?
My knee? My hip? My heart?

I'm 80 years old. Of course
my cartilage is wearing out.

But my important organs
just keep chugging along.

It's embarrassing.

What do you think
of this watch?

Oh, your engagement watch.
It's beautiful.

Here, take it.

No. No, no, no, no,
Grammy. You can have it.

It was...
No, I can't take this.

I never liked it.

Pink gold. I wanted yellow
gold. Nobody wore pink gold.

I don't know
what he was thinking.

See? it's the wrong tone
for my skin color, too.

All he had to do
was look.

Well, you could have
exchanged it.

I didn't want to
hurt his feelings.

The ironic thing is that
everything is pink gold today...

everywhere you look. Not yellow
gold, pink gold like that one.

Are you thirsty?
I could use a drink.

You want to go down now?

Do you?

No.

Everybody I want to see
is dead.

First the men, one by one.

Now, even the widows
are dying off.

I'm the only one here.

I don't even know
what I'm doing here.

Grammy.

But I'm so glad
you're here.

Your poor grandfather.

He would have gotten
such a kick out of you.

Where the hell is Stephie?

Typical.
She told mom she'd help.

Now, who's fixing the ice
and filling the drinks?

I'm so sick of her episodes.

She's about
that far away...

Typical...

So, Joel, what kind
of medicine do you do?

It's a general practice.
Smart.

Get out of med school,
you hit the ground running.

Don't have to waste all those
extra years sub-specializing.

Well, actually I did a sub
in pulmonary diseases.

Pulmonary?
Lungs.

You know, asthma, emphysema,
everything related to those things.

Oh, yeah.

What do you do?
Stock market.

Have a little brokerage
here in town.

Little? Jedster's got
20 guys in the bullpen.

Hasn't done me any harm.

I've got a lot of doctors
for clients.

Ever want to put together
a portfolio, give me a buzz.

Oh, okay, thanks.

You know, I used to date
Maggie. Did you know that?

No, I didn't know that.

Yeah, summer of '86.

We had a pretty heavy thing going.
There's a step at the bottom.

She never mentioned it.

No?

Girl's a regular water rat.
Fearless sailor.

When gets her hand on that
tiller, you can't pry them off.

You sail?

No, I row.

Oh, damn it!

Let me help you there.

What is so hard
about fixing an ice maker?

My mother has enough time
for 16 divorce seminars...

and she can't call
a repairman?

Hey Joel, why don't you and Maggie
come down to the marina tomorrow?

I'll show you the boat,
take you out on a tour.

Oh, we can't,
we've got an early flight.

Well, let's go by the club later for a drink.
You know, after we blow the candles out.

They got a good jazz band
on the weekends.

Tonight? No! We've got
tickets to the Pistons game.

I'm selling a lot of
macaroni salad today.

I think it's the chopped
gherkin pickles.

No way, Mom.
It's the mayo.

How's that coming, Joel? I'm so
sorry. It was cranberry juice.

Oh, try a little of this.

Here.

Oh, you're doing the ice.
Uh-huh.

You and Stephie are
my Rocks of Gibraltar.

I don't know what I'd do
without you.

Bring out with the ice,
would you, dear? Okay.

Oh, and don't let the Reverend sit
out there by himself for too long.

So, Joel,
you're a basketball fan?

Oh, big time.
Roundball, that's my game.

Is that right?
Oh, yeah.

Do you play, or you just
like to watch? No, I play.

Well, it's getting kind of slow around
here, I mean, they've got a board out back.

What do you say? It might
be kind of fun to shoot some.

Ball?

Hey, what am I talking about? You've been
on a plane all day. You're probably beat.

No, I feel all right.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Good. I'll take a whiz
and see you at courtside.

Great.
Jeffy?

What do you say, Jeffy?

Nah, you guys go ahead.
Mom needs me.

Yeah, you sure?
Uh-huh.

The balls and the basket
are under there.

Hey, you got any sneaks,
Joel?

Yeah, actually I do.

Watch out,
he's murder in the paint.

Hey, sis.
Jeffy.

Hey, Fleischman.

Well, it's about time!

Cigarettes.
Where the hell you been?

Did you get her down yet? No,
she doesn't want to come down.

What do you mean, she doesn't want
to come down? You gotta get her down.

Come on, let's get this
show on the road, all right?

Cake and ice cream. She'll
blow out the candles.

We have three hours
till tip-off, all right?

You know, Fleischman,
it's the most amazing thing.

I've always thought of my
Grammy as just my Grammy.

But now I'm knowing her as
this fellow person. As a woman.

Oh, well, that's just peachy, you know.
I'm thrilled for you and your Grammy.

But you've abandoned me here
in a house full of strangers...

with yet another one of your
ex-boyfriends. Ex-boyfriend?

Yeah, Jed.
Oh, Jed, yeah.

Everyone wanted me
to marry Jed.

Aha.
Aha, what?

That would explain why he
wants to rip my heart out...

and stomp on it
while it's still beating.

Fleischman, what are you
raving about now?

Well, old Jedster is still
carrying a major blowtorch for you.

Don't be ridiculous.

All right, Scotch, bourbon,
glasses, ice.

Fleischman, just be a big boy
and try to have a good time.

Wait, get back here.
Where are you going?

Two hours and we're out of
here, you understand that?

Grammy's thirsty.
Have a nice game.

Sneakers.

What do you say? Straight
up or rebound takes it out?

Straight up's fine.

You sure?
I got a few inches on you.

Straight up's fine.

Hey, I'm impressed. Left-handed,
how did you pick it up?

My Aunt Ruth, when I was 12.
Your Aunt Ruth?

Took me to a Van Cliburn
concert at Carnegie Hall.

I didn't even know what the program was,
it was like Schubert or Rachmaninoff.

To tell you the truth, I had
a hard time staying awake...

but she kept poking me
in the ribs, and she'd say...

"Joel, watch his left hand,
it's as good as his right.

"If you want to play with the big
boys, you gotta have a good left. "

Oh, yeah!

Hi, Stephie.

Do you mind? I just need
to get a glass of water.

Oh, sure.

Well, everyone seems
to be having a good time.

I'm leaving Jeffy.

Our marriage is over.

Oh.

Never should have married him
in the first place...

but what else
was I supposed to do?

There I was,
a 20-year-old psych major.

A psych major.

I wasn't serious
about a career.

I was in college to find
a husband. And why not?

That's what I was
brought up to do.

I tried to be a good wife,
I really tried.

I'm sure you did.
Six years.

What do I have
to show for it?

We don't even have
a child together.

Jeffy always said a baby
would ruin my figure...

my waist would go, my breasts would
fall, as if he would even notice.

You know, I have a body
you could break bricks on.

My waist is as flat as a
skillet, my breasts float...

and what do I do?
I take courses.

Thai cooking, photography,
folk dancing.

It would be really funny
if it wasn't so pathetic.

Reverend, are you okay?

Yes. Please.

Thank you.

Reverend, your color's
not very good.

No?

Oh, excuse me,
I just have to get my shawl.

Is everything all right?
Oh, fine.

We're just having a talk.

Oh, good. You know, the boys are
having a fun game of basketball outside.

You don't want
to miss it.

You okay there? You look a
little flushed there, Fleischman.

I'd be a lot better if you weren't
all over me like a cheap suit.

You didn't think I was just going
to hand you those gimmes, right?

Well, I didn't think I'd be
dealing with Bill Laimbeer, either.

Call it a day
if you want.

Not on your life, Jedster.

Big air ball, big air ball.

Jeffy?
Yeah, Mom.

I think you should know that Stephie's
in the kitchen and her eyes were very red.

She's not near the knife
drawer, is she? Oh, Jeffy.

Lock up all
the flammable solvents.

I'm serious, Jeffy.

Look, Mom,
you want to get serious?

Why don't you worry about the
infrastructure around this place?

The garage roof has a hole in
it the size of a bowling ball.

Look at this.

These are my hockey skates.
They're ruined.

I'm sorry, dear, but your
father took care of that end.

Maybe you should have thought about
that before you served paper on him.

Somebody had to
get off their duff.

There go the Olympics.

So, is Maggie still into
those moonlight skinny-dips?

You and Maggie
skinny-dipping, huh?

Well, I don't want to tell
tales out of school or anything.

Can't be much to tell.
And why is that?

'Cause all the guys that got lucky
are sprouting daises about now.

Whoa!

Get him, Fleischman!
Hit him where it hurts!

You too, Jedster, stick him.

Hey, Maggie. You look great.
Thanks.

Me and Joel are just playing
a little basketball down here.

Your hair, it's shorter.
I like it.

Oh, you do, thanks.

I was just thinking about
letting it grow, maybe.

Why don't you
come on down?

Well, I'm a little busy
up here right now.

Let's go, Romeo. Balcony
scene's over. Come on!

Well, save me a few minutes,
huh? Let's catch up on things.

Ta-ta, boys. Have fun.

Oh!

Yes. Yes.

Look at that. Hah!

He's actually having fun.

Who is that, dear?
Fleischman.

Fleischman having fun?
What a concept.

This woman
is 50 years old.

It's hard to believe,
she looks 35.

Oh, and this one, 53.

She doesn't look
a day over 40.

What is that, Lear's?
This one's Jane's.

You know, when we were 50, we
looked 50, and that was that.

Nobody wants to
look their age today.

Hmm.

I wonder why not.
It's odd, isn't it?

Like, you see those old farts
driving around in their convertibles.

Would you pass me
the sherry, please?

How are your orgasms?

What?
It says here...

"How are your orgasms,
on a scale of 1 to 10?"

What about you, Maggie?
1 or 10?

Me?

What a question, huh?

But a big topic, sex.

I knew so many couples
that were unhappy that way.

Bill and I used to tell each other
how tremendously lucky we were.

Of course, we were novices
when we started.

Oh, well, he'd been around
a little bit, but...

It just got
better and better.

We used to surprise
ourselves sometimes.

You'd never think
to look at us...

that the bad things
that we did...

that were so good.

Mother, open this door
this minute!

God, that woman is a pest.

Mother, look,
we're just talking.

Can't you just
leave us alone?

Look, you don't have to
come out.

But, why can't I come in?
Can't I?

Come on, let me in.

I promise,
I won't do anything.

Maybe you better go.
Really?

Oh, it's the sherry,
I have to pee, dear.

Oh, okay.

Mom, coming out.

Jane, get away from the door.

Good God.
Hello, Mother.

What is her problem?
Is it me?

Is it? It is me, isn't it?
No, Mother, it's not.

I'll tell you what it is. I wouldn't
stop so she could buy lottery tickets.

I don't care what she says,
I think it's appalling.

All those old people lined up
at the convenience stores...

throwing their money away
on those foolish things.

Mother, it isn't the lottery
tickets, and I swear, it isn't you.

Well, what's going on in there, then?
Why is she talking to you and not me?

I want you to know, Mary Margaret,
it is not easy living with her.

With her Rush Limbaugh on the radio, and
her TV blaring at all hours of the night.

Mother, look, we're just
talking. We're just talking.

About what, then?

Sex.

Sex?

Sex.

All right, fine.

The two of you have fun at your
little party in your little bathroom.

Excuse me, I have a house full
of guests who need my attention.

What's the matter, you afraid
to put it up from eight feet out?

Give me a sec.
Come on.

Come on, shoot.

Come on. I'm going to
the hole, Fleischman.

You get out of my way.

What happened?

Hey, are you all right?

I don't need to go to the hospital.
It's probably just something I ate.

All that macaroni salad.
You're going to be fine.

I know I'm going to be fine,
I am fine.

Watch it, guys, watch your
step. Watch your valuables, Jed.

When my good friend Betty
went in for a hysterectomy...

they stole
her pearl earrings.

Can I at least take these
damn things out of my nose?

It looks like I've got
emphysema or something.

He's going to be fine. He
just needs a couple of tests.

The important thing is that his
pulse is regular and it's strong.

My guess is it's angina.
Maybe a little heart attack.

But it's possibly not even cardiac,
so... I mean, we don't have to worry.

Poor Jed.

He just said he's
gonna be fine, Stephie.

All my fault. Grown men
playing games like little boys.

I should have
put my foot down.

Hey, Jed!

Don't let those quacks boss you around.
Make them give you a private room!

Bye-bye.

Is there anyone
you want me to notify?

Just move my Lexus
off the street.

The keys are in the kitchen
next to the juicer.

Right.

Here, Jed. I cut you
a nice big piece of cake.

Too bad you're going to miss
Grammy blowing out the candles.

We would have put some ice cream
on it but we thought it might melt.

Take care, dear.
Bye-bye, Jed.

Bye, Jed.

Hi.
Hi.

What a day.
I feel so awful.

Aw, Reverend, come on.

That's probably the best thing
that could have happened to Jed.

I wasn't talking
about Jed.

I was talking about me. I am
just not any good at trauma.

Emotional, I mean.
How so?

Well...

people start to talk to me
about their personal problems...

and I just want
to run away.

I don't want to hear that they're,
you know, cheating on their wives...

or that their children
hate them.

I just want to flee.

Well, you know... That would definitely
be a handicap in your line of work.

It is.

You should have
seen my dad, Joel.

He was always at ease
with people.

He said that I would
get used to ministering.

I just needed to get my feet
wet. Get some experience.

I haven't gotten used to it. If
anything, it's just gotten harder.

You know,
I remember this guy in...

my first year
of medical school.

He was a smart guy,
nice guy, but...

the day it came for us to pull the
sheets back from our cadavers...

and, well, he just chucked
all over his shoes.

But he got used to it.

No, no,
he never did, actually.

I believe he went
into pharmaceuticals.

Yes, that's okay.

You know, Stephie...

Mom's got enough problems with
Grammy locking herself in the can...

without you getting her
all worked up.

One day, just one day, you
couldn't turn off the tap?

I'm leaving, Jeffy.
Why?

Grammy's gotta come out.
She can't sleep in there.

No, I'm leaving you.

Huh?

I got an apartment
in Royal Oak.

What do you mean, you got an
apartment? I got an apartment.

Two bedrooms and a balcony
and I'm moving out.

Wait a minute.

You didn't put down
a deposit, did you?

Tell... Please tell me
you didn't sign anything.

A lease.

Oh, that's great.
That's just great.

I'm going to have to go to Dan
Ashland on Monday to get you out of it.

No, I don't want to get out
of this apartment, Jeffy.

I want to get out of this
marriage. Come on, Stephie.

Where do you think
you're gonna go?

Where do you think
you're gonna get a job?

What car did you think you were
gonna take? Hey, forget the Jeep.

I don't want the Jeep!
I hate the Jeep!

751
- wheel drive in the suburbs. We never go anywhere.

This is ridiculous.
Yes, it is.

Stephie, you can't even
write a check by yourself.

I mean, you can't get
the garage door open.

You remember that time you waited
all day for me to get home...

to go down and get your golf
clubs out of the basement...

because you wouldn't go
down there by yourself?

Well, apartments
don't have basements.

Six weeks.
You'll be back.

Hey, Stephie,
what's going on?

Nothing.

Are you okay?
Am I okay?

Yes.

I am.
Oh. Well, good.

I'm leaving Jeffy.

You're leaving Jeffy?

I know he's your brother.

He's just so cold and petty
and full of himself.

Yeah, I know.

Wish Grammy
happy birthday from me.

Hey, what do you say,
you ready? Let's go.

Stephie's leaving Jeffy.

Yeah, I know, I heard. But
we're really running late.

Oh, well, that's real
sensitive, Fleischman.

My sister-in-law is
walking out on my brother.

Believe me, I am torn up about it.
There is nothing we can do, all right?

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but
I don't want to miss this game.

So, can we please
get going?

No, Grammy wants
to talk to you.

Grammy? She wants to talk to me? Yeah.

What could she possibly
want to talk to me about?

I don't know, Fleischman. All I
know is that she wants to see you.

O'Connell, I'm not missing this game,
all right? I didn't fly 5,000 miles...

to be 30 minutes away from Auburn Hills
and to miss the tip-off, all right?

I am not.
I've fulfilled my end.

I have played the part, I am
not going to miss this game.

Understand me,
what I'm saying. I am not.

With or without you,
I'm going to that game.

All right. All right,
you have two minutes.

It's open.

Hi.
Hello.

You wanted to see me, Mrs...
Stowe.

Well, come on in.
Shut the door.

Look, I think I should
tell you, you know, I mean...

if this is
about Maggie and I...

if she's led you to believe
that I am...

something other than
what I am, I just...

want to say
that I'm a friend.

You know, I mean, well,
not a friend, really, but-

She says
she doesn't fancy you.

She likes the other one,
the sickly boy.

Mike?
Yes.

She says
he's very courageous.

Battling for clean air
and whatnot.

Oh.

She thinks
he's the cat's pajamas.

Why exactly did you
want to see me, Mrs. Stowe?

Oh, I've never met
a Jewish person before.

I'm sorry?

Well, Bill,
that was my husband...

he said that he met
one once, in New York.

Yeah, well, you know...

there are definitely
a lot of us in the Big Apple.

The fact is, we're all over
the place now, so...

Well, you're not
in Grosse Point.

You know, the only Jewish
people I've ever seen...

are on TV comedies.

Seinfeld, and that little
know-it-all on Murphy Brown...

and those nice people
on Brooklyn Bridge.

Look, it's been really nice, I'm
glad I got a chance to meet you...

but, see, I have this
basketball game to get to, so-

Oh, I wouldn't
worry about it, Joel.

What? The game?
Mike.

Oh.

Sit down.

Here.

You see...

when Jane was five...

Bill and I separated.

Well,
I'd been married young...

and here I was
in my mid-20s...

with a husband and a
little girl in a big house.

I thought I had
everything I wanted.

But...

somehow...

my life seemed over.

I don't know, but maybe I
just wanted to stir things up.

So, I told Bill I thought
it would be a good idea...

if we got away from each
other for a little while.

I sent him away.

I started going out
with other men.

There was that
tall Ralph Hendley...

with the beautiful
white teeth.

He was very nice.

But I missed Bill,
I missed his smell.

So I asked him back, and he
did come, and that was that.

Jane once said...

that she seemed to remember a
time when she was very young...

when her father
wasn't living with us.

I told her
it was just a dream.

Well, she would have
held it against me.

Fleischman, Grammy?

What?

Hey, time.

For what?

Basketball game,
remember?

It's all right.

I'm ready to go now.

You are?

Okay.

Well...

everyone seems to have
enjoyed themselves.

Yeah, it's a mess.

Mmm, chocolate.

Ooh, there she is.

Hello, everyone.
Reverend Harding.

Happy birthday,
Elizabeth.

You know, I wrote a little
homily just for the occasion.

It's...

I must have
left it somewhere.

It's all right, Dwight.

Hello, girls.
How are the Abyssinians?

Delilah had
a litter of seven.

They were eight,
but we lost one.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Jeffy, why the sour puss?

Stephie left Jeffy.

Stephie left Jeffy?

She forgot her mittens.

Oh. Remind me to send her
a thank you note.

Jane.

The Patersons and the Reeds got
tired of waiting. They went home.

Let's not do that.

I was so embarrassed, I didn't
know what to say to them.

I hope you're satisfied.

Well, here we all are. Oh,
it's so nice of you all to come.

Now, let's go in and open
my presents, shall we?

Well, come on now,
let's go.

Happy birthday, Grammy.
Thank you, darling.

What? I think I owe you
an apology, O'Connell.

How's that?
Well...

you know how when you said
your family was crazy...

and I went on about maturation
and the separation process?

Mmm-hmm.
Vintage Fleischman.

No. It's a sound
psychiatric construct.

But, in your case,
I think I recant.

I mean...

you're right, you've got
yourself a regular loony bin here.

It's absolutely incredible
that you survived.

I don't know, you just, you
must be made of something.

Thanks, Fleischman.

Let's go.

"Happy birthday to you"

"Happy birthday to you"

"Happy birthday,
dear Mother"

"Happy birthday to you"