Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 3, Episode 9 - Get Real - full transcript

Hi. Hi!

- Our bus broke down.
- Oh.

- Is there a town nearby?
- Yep. Just keep on goin' this way.

- Is it far?
- About a half mile.

- You need any help with that?
- Oh. Nope. Just about got it.

Well, thanks.

You're welcome.

Bye-bye. Thank you.

Thanks, son. Yeah.

Thank you much. Thanks a lot.

Attaboy.



See ya! All right. Thanks.

Bye.

Mornin', Cicely.
This is Chris in the Morning.

Today, we'd like to extend
a hearty K-Bear welcome...

to the Ludwig Wittgenstein
Masquerade and Reality Company.

The water pump on their '68 Blue Bird
school bus gave up the ghost,

and the troupe's gonna be with us
till a replacement can be found.

So, any listeners who are flush in
auto parts, please check your inventory.

Let's help these good people
get the show back on the road.

In the meantime,
their misfortune is our serendipity.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
the circus has come to town. Whoo-whoo!

When I read that they were
starting the memorial archive,

I was so pleased,
especially their scheduled-

Mom, can I go to the store?
Okay, but come right back.



I need my allowance.

- I already gave you your allowance.
- That was last week.

You sure? Well, okay.

- Nina.
- I know, I know. No candy.

"Enrico Bellati."

Marilyn. Marilyn Whirlwind.

I'm available, but I'm not interested.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Hey, Marilyn.

My med school alumni news- Get this.

Evan Arnold, right? Guy in my class.
Rich kid. Connected, you know?

Always cutting corners.
Old Evan joins the naval R.O.T.C.

Thought his family could get him a job
in Bethesda because of George Bush.

Get this-they sent him here. Alaska.

Where?

Some place called Naval
Station Adak. "A-dak." Cold.

- Yeah?
- Windy, no trees.

All right. Yes. Yes.
There is some justice in the world.

No. No!

Howard Bateman? I can't believe it!

This guy couldn't tell a migraine
from a subdural hematoma.

I had to coach him through
physical diagnosis.

We're out of gummed labels.

Howard Bateman is an associate
with Reed, Feinstein, Powell.

This is the top-I mean, the top internal
medicine group in New York City.

Howard. Howard is dealing
with bona fide interesting cases.

I mean, he probably takes care of Liza
Minnelli, Calvin and Kelly Klein.

I bet he pulls in 150
grand a year, easy.

Maurice needs some more
antifungal cream.

Yeah, there you go, right?
Antifungal cream.

That is what I do. I
treat athlete's foot.

I treat ringworm, minor burns,
scraped knees.

Every once in a while I get lucky.

I mean, something really challenging
like an ingrown toenail or eczema.

I'm not a physician. I'm a medic.

Meanwhile, my classmates, people
with far less abilities than myself,

are carving out major lucrative careers.

What happens to me? I'll tell you.

When I finally complete
this indentured servitude,

no one's even gonna remember
who Joel Fleischman is.

- What? Who's the guy?
- The Flying Man.

- The what?
- He's with the carnival.

Now, think how old you are.
Really concentrate.

Visualize the number in your
mind's eye, but don't tell me.

- Here.
- All right. I like this.

- What's that?
- Fried burrito.

You were supposed to
get steamed vegetables.

They didn't have any.

One of those pieces of paper
has your age written on it.

You are now gonna throw the dart
and hit it.

- Aw, come on, man. Get out of here.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Following the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle,

I use a dimensional
space-time equation...

to figure out the intersection
of the dart with the target.

For dessert, I want you
to have a piece of fruit.

Wait a second.

With a dimensional space-time equation,
you still only get a probability wave.

- Whoa. No flies on you.
- Dad?

Wait a second. You're right.

But in quantum physics,
there are no absolutes.

In a space-time continuum,
you've already thrown that dart.

- What?
- Can I play pinball?

Sure. Don't forget to do your homework.

Wait a second, man.
You're still on shaky ground here.

In the many-worlds quantum
interpretation, there's two realities-

one where I throw this here dart,
and one where I don't, right?

It's just a trick. Right. Incoming, Al!

- Let it fly!
- Whoo!

All right. Now, let's see if it works.

Here we go.

- Tell me how old you are.
- Twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight! Excellent, man.

You had this on you all the time, right?
You pulled a switch on me, right?

- That's right.
- That's good. You're good.

- That's really good.
- Yeah, well, thanks.

- So where did you go to school?
- Wheeling Central Catholic High School.

Well, a year there and then a year
at the Wheeling Youth Authority.

It was more like a, you know, work camp.

- I meant college.
- Mmm. I didn't go.

- Well, where'd you pick up the physics?
- Self-taught. How 'bout you?

Uh, college. Purdue.
Got my doctorate at Berkeley.

That's where I met my wife. She had
a fellowship at Lawrence Livermore.

Oh, cool. How'd you get in the big top?

Well, uh, we tried for years
to have a baby...

and didn't think we could.

Then, boom, along came Nina.

She really made us take stock.

You know, academic life
can be so insulated.

We wanted her to get a whiff
of the real world.

- Wow. Man, that's admirable.
- It wasn't a sacrifice.

Physics always made me anxious.

On the subatomic level, everything
is so bizarre, so unfathomable.

With magic, you have some control.

- And one for the lady.
- Thank you.

Shelly? Mmm. My feet.

The heels are too high,
and my feet slide down to the tip,

and my toes get all crunched up.

They're killing me.

Forty bucks down the tubes.

My mom always wore
these real pointy spiked heels.

One time, she threw one at Dad.

It would've put his eye out, but she
missed and put a hole in the drywall.

And that shoe hung there for weeks
like a picture hook,

till Mom cooled down.

Anyway, you should see Mom's toes.

They look like big bird claws,
all knotted up with all these corns.

Maybe they're bunions.

Anyway, she finally had to
have an operation.

No way that's happening to my dogs.

My feet aren't gonna be
any victim of fashion.

Hand me that sock, babe.

Holling. Huh?

- My sock.
- Oh, sure thing, babe.

Careful.

- I got it.
- Okay. Easy, easy, easy.

- There you go, Dr. Fleischman.
- I got it.

- That was the last one.
- Okay. Thank you, Ed.

I've been meaning to get into
this stuff since I got here.

Ah. Oh, yeah. Here we go.

"Clinical Physiology of Acid Base
and Electrolyte Disorders."

I love this stuff.

"Rheumatic Diseases:
Diagnosis and Management."

- You're gonna read all this?
- I'm not just gonna read it, Ed.

I'm gonna devour it.
I'm gonna digest it and regurgitate it.

Oh. Why?

- You ever see, uh, Birdman of Alcatraz?
- Oh, sure. Burt Lancaster.

Right. There's Burt, sentenced to
life in prison, no hope of parole.

But did he succumb to despair?
Did he give in?

Oh, no.

- No, he didn't. What'd he do?
- Raised pigeons.

Exactly. He used his time
to better himself.

I'm gonna use my time to better myself.

I have three months
to assimilate all this.

Then I'm gonna take the board
certification exam in internal medicine.

Oh. Yeah, Ed. And
here's the beauty part.

Once I get certified in internal
medicine, I'm gonna subspecialize.

I'm gonna take the boards
in endocrinology.

Endocrinology. It's, uh,
growth, aging, weight loss.

Huge market. You can't go
wrong with endocrinology.

Sounds really good, Dr. Fleischman.

You bet. By the time I
leave Alaska, I'll have

the knowledge. I'll
have the credentials.

I'll take the New York
thyroid community by its throat.

There won't be anyone who won't know
who Joel Fleischman, M.D., F.A.C.P. Is.

Well, all right!

Now, Ed, you understand
this won't come easily.

I mean, these tests are
conceived by brilliant,

but I mean bitter - bitter old guys...

who take great pleasure
in concocting the

most obtuse, arcane
and tricky questions.

I'm gonna have to study night and day.

I don't want you to be offended,
but there'll be no time for socializing.

You won't see a lot of me
for the next three months.

Right.

Okay. I better get to it.

Okay, well-

- Good luck, Dr. Fleischman.
- Thanks, Ed.

Uh-uh. It's not heavy.

If I have caffeine, I get jumpy.

No, thanks. I ate.

Nothing.

I told you. I'm not interested.

You don't take no for an answer, do you?

The answer's still no.

When we think of a magician,

the image that comes to mind is Merlin.

Long, white beard, cone-shaped
hat, right? You know.

Well, in one version
of this Arthurian legend,

the archetypal sorcerer retires,
checks out of the conjuring biz.

His reason?
The rationalists are taking over.

The time for magic's coming to an end.

Well, old Merlin should've stuck around
'cause those same rationalists...

trying to put a rope around reality...

suddenly found themselves
in the psychedelic land of physics,

a land of quarks, gluons and neutrinos,

a place that refuses to play
by Newtonian rules,

a place that refuses to play
by any rules,

a place much better suited
for the Merlins of the world.

- Oh. Hi, uh, Mr.
-

"Bellati." Right. You're the, um-

You're the, uh, Flying Man.
Of course. What can I do for you?

Nothing? You don't need a doctor?

I- I asked that question specifically
'cause I noticed you don't talk.

Nothing wrong with your voice?

Are you deaf?

What, you just don't talk?

Okay, um, well, then, Mr. Bellati,
why are you here?

Oh.

I don't have a vase.

You're wasting your time.

I don't want to go out with you.

No. You're cute enough.

You look like Clark Kent.

I just broke up with a guy.

I'm not ready to start dating.

It won't work.

What are you doing?

You're not going?

You're gonna sit there till I say yes?

Okay.

Yes.

This has been bugging me
for a long time.

I was doing a little reading
on the superstring atomic theory.

And I was having a hard time
because, you know, my math is weak.

Well, how weak?

Well, I can add and subtract,
multiply and divide.

But, you know, you get into
fractions, and, well, you lose me.

Anyway, it seems to me, as you
get into the onion of an atom,

and you get into the smaller
and smaller particles,

you find you really don't - like,
you don't have any particles at all.

You have a real, genuine flare for this.
You really oughta go back to school.

Nah, I never liked
the structured education thing.

So subatomic particles might just really
be, like, vibrating waves of energy?

Correct! Right.
Listen, no mass, no thing.

The essential building block of
everything is nothing.

All is an illusion.
That's what I hated about the business.

What are you supposed to do
with information like that?

- Hey, Holling.
- Chris.

I need to - I need some help
from a man who understands women.

I'm your man.

A significant thing
happened to me yesterday.

I saw Shelly's feet for the first time.

What, do you mean
you never saw her feet before?

Yes, of course I have. Many times.

I've held them, caressed them.
I've kissed them.

Yeah?

I used to gaze at Shelly's feet,
I'd see angels.

I'd see flowers, swans.

- Children playing?
- That too.

The point is, yesterday when
I looked at Shelly's feet,

all I saw was feet.

The truth is,

I found them unattractive.

Unattractive and very big.

Well, that's interesting, Holling.

You know, lots of people, they notice
things about their significant others,

things- things they don't like.

You know, the way they eat their food,
the way they clip their toenails.

You know, it's-it's a part of
having a-a real relationship.

Personally, I'm not into that,

but people find ways to get over
the hump and fuel the domestic fires.

On the other hand, when I start to see
flaws, chinks in the romantic armor,

it's a foreshadowing, a sure sign, uh-

A sure sign of what?

Love's on its way out the back door.
You know, adios. Finito, Benito.

Oh, hey, Holling. I mean, I'm sure
that's not the case with you.

- How big?
- Inordinately large.

Oh, wow.

I never would have guessed, you know?
Shelly's tall. You don't really notice.

It's probably, like, a proportion thing.

- Well, thank you, Chris.
- Hey, no problem.

You've been a great help.

Can I help you with something?

I need a parallel interface cable
for my daughter's laptop.

Who knows where she left it?

- Best I can do is an extension cord.
- Oh, no, that won't work.

You don't, by any chance,
have any micro disks?

- Double-sided, double-density?
- Yes!

I just bought a case for Maurice.
They're seven dollars a box.

Oh, great!

You can't believe
how she goes through them.

I keep telling her,
"Please don't eat at the computer."

She gets peanut butter
over everything. Here. Oh!

- Oh, you have exceptional hands.
- Thank you.

I deal with hands all day long,
and yours are very expressive.

They're... eloquent.

- Are you a manicurist?
- A palm reader.

- May I?
- Sure.

Oh. What an interesting life.

California, Oregon,

England. During the war?

That's right.

You were married, but your husband
passed away a long time ago.

Thirty years.

Two boys.

One is very artistic,
and-and the other is-

well-well, he has
a good head for figures.

Oh, do you see this on your heart line?

Looks to me like you're
gonna fall in love again.

- Really?
- Yes.

Thank you very much.

What do you think of that? Wow.

Okay. "What are the effects
of standing and squatting...

on the intensity and duration
of the... sys-"

Systolic.

"Murmur in patients with... I.H.S.S?"

"Iss"?

I.H.S.S?

Idiopathic hypertrophic subaortic
stenosis. Good question, Ed.

Thanks! Okay.

Uh, standing, there would be
an increase in-

no, decrease in left ventricle volume,

while squatting, there would be
an increase in venous return,

thereby, increasing L.V. Volume.

And?

And?

And what?

"Decreasing the dynamic L.V.
Obstruction.

and the intensity of the murmur."

That's obvious, Ed. Come on.
Give me a tough one.

I'm leaving.

You're leaving? Now?

I have a date.

Oh. All right.

Have a good time.

All right. Let's turn our attention
to the "systeamic" fungal infections.

Systemic.

I found this thing
in the Lillian Vernon catalog.

It takes fuzz balls off natural fibers.

Shelly, we have to talk.

Sure. What's up, babe?

I've thought long and hard about this,

and I've decided that there's no point
in beating around the bush,

no sense in pretending
that what was is...

and... what is will be, and so-

Spit it out, babe.

Shelly.

- Will you marry me?
- Huh?

Will you marry me?

Why?

Why what?

Why do you want to marry me
all of a sudden?

Well, it's the right thing to do,
and it'll make you happy.

I am happy. What gives, Holling?

Nothing.

A year ago you dumped me at the altar!

You were totally freaked
about getting hitched.

Well, that was then. This is now.

That is a crock!

Something is really wrong if you
want to marry me, Holling Vincoeur.

What gives?

Well, it's not that important.
It's trivial.

- I just happened to notice
that your feet... My feet?

- Well, yeah, they're-
- They're what?

Big.

God!

I can't believe it.
I can't believe you said that!

You actually said that to me.

Well, you asked, and I thought that-

You think I don't know I have big feet?

I know I have big feet!

But I'd rather have big feet
than a mean little heart any day.

- Shelly!
- How could you, Holling?

How could you say that to me?

- Shel-
- No!

You've said what you have to say,
and that's more than enough!

I don't want to hear any more!

Good soup, Mom.

Fresh turnips.

Potatoes?

Thank you.

Biscuits, please.

I like him.

- Oh, here you go. Drink this cocoa.
- Thanks.

How could he say that to you? It's
not even true. You don't have big feet.

- Yes, I do.
- Oh, no, you don't. Come on.

- What size shoe do you wear?
- Eleven.

- Eleven.
- See?

Wow. I never noticed. Men's 11?

No, women's!

Well, even if you do
have extremely large

feet, he didn't have to
say it to your face.

Look, Shelly, maybe - maybe this is
a good thing that it happened now.

- Why?
- Well, because you're young.

I mean, I'm almost 30,
and I'm beginning to realize...

that this whole idea of the male-female
relationship is inherently flawed.

I just don't think it can work.

Why not?

Well, because you're either lovers,

or you're wanting to be lovers,

or you're trying not to be lovers
so you can be friends.

I mean, any way you look at it, sex is

always looming in the
picture like a shadow,

like an undertow.

- I like sex.
- Well, of course.

Of course you like sex. I like sex.

But is it worth it? I mean, look
at what you're going through.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we
didn't have to worry about men?

We wouldn't have to
waste any time trying

to be attractive for the opposite sex.

We could wear whatever we
wanted to wear. We could be fat.

We wouldn't have to shave our legs.

Why would we want to do that?

Well, it's just an example.

Well, look at me, for instance.

I haven't had a legitimate date
since Rick died.

You haven't had a date
since Rick ate the satellite?

Well, I-I've had offers,

but-but I just wasn't interested
in any of them.

Well, the point I'm trying to make is...

celibacy has given me
a new perspective on life.

- It has?
- Yes.

People think celibacy is
a bad thing, but it's not.

They think it's deprivation,
but really it's an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to find
strength and self-reliance.

There have been lots of women who didn't
toe the traditional male-female line,

and they had great lives,
satisfying lives.

Amelia Earhart,
um, Queen Victoria, Dian Fossey.

- Who?
- Gorillas in the Mist.

She didn't need men at all.

She lived alone in the jungle
with total purpose and fulfillment...

with nothing but a group of apes.

Yeah?

Hi. Oh, boy.

My lumbar vertebrae are killing me.

I'm gonna get sciatica.

Good morning, Marilyn.
I see we have company.

- He's helping me.
- I see.

Um, this might be too
personal a question,

but do you and Mr. Bellati talk?

Yes.

- Huh. What do you talk about?
- The usual.

Bellati, he's what, a trapeze artist?

He's the Flying Man.

What, from a cannon, in a harness?

He just flies.

Just flies.

He's the Flying Man.

Right. How's he do that?

I don't know. And it's not Bellati.

No?

That's his professional name.

His real name is Bob Wilson.

He's from Phoenix.

You and the Flying Man- is this serious?

I like him.

I get it.

You don't waste time, do you, Bob?

You thought this through?

I don't know.

I don't know if I could live on a bus.

Yeah, we would be together.

Sounds nice.

I've never been to Boston.

Or Fairbanks.

I'll think about it.

- Shelly!
- I just came to get some stuff.

- Oh.
- Get some light in here.

You'd think
it's the middle of the night.

There.

- Holling!
- Uh, yeah, Shelly?

Where is my favorite aqua sweater?

Um... here.

- Shelly, I'd just like to say-
- I don't want to talk about it.

No. Of course not.

You know, some things, when you
say them, you can never unsay them.

- You can't take 'em back.
- I know, Shelly.

And some things, when you say
them, they change everything!

- I know.
- You know?

Then why did you do it?

Can you tell me why?

I keep imagining that I can
turn back the hands of the clock.

It's yesterday,

the moment right before
I said what I said.

Yeah.

And then when you ask, "What's wrong?"

I say, "Nothing.

Nothing at all. Everything's perfect."

But I don't ask you to marry me,

and I don't say what I said.

But you'd still be thinking it,
and that's the problem, Holling.

Every time you look at me,
I'm gonna be thinking...

that you're thinking about my feet!

These two big feet. Shelly.

If there's anything I've learned
in the past couple of days,

it's that you're more to me
than your feet.

Much more. Much more.

I gotta go.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Yeah!

- Shelly?
- Just a sec.

Ruth-Anne had a special on leg of lamb.

I usually don't make it
because it's just me,

but I thought, well, it's the two of us.

So I'm gonna rub it with garlic
and rosemary...

and make couscous.

Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie, but I'm
not gonna be here for dinner.

Well, I changed my mind. I'm going back.

Back?

- To Holling.
- Oh.

Yeah, he was so sad and bummed out,

sitting there in the dark,
holding my sweater.

- He loves me.
- Oh. Well, that's good.

That's really wonderful.
Wh-What about the foot thing?

Oh, I'm not totally into forgiving him.

I'm still real P.O.'d.

But he's sorry, and I still love him,

and I want to be with him.

- So-
- I'm impressed.

I mean, I don't know if I could do it-

forgive him.

I mean, men hurt me, you know,
and I just wanna kill 'em.

Well, to tell the truth, there's some
stuff about Holling that really bugs me,

but now I know I can tell him.

We'll have dinner some other time.
You know, like, chicks night out.

- Okay.
- Bye!

Hey, Mr. Bellati. Can I give you a lift?

Okay.

Okay, neuromuscular manifestations
of hypomagnesemia-

One: Patient exhibits tremors,
seizures, facial twitches.

That is... right. Okay.

Deep tendon reflex. Let's see.
Deep tendon reflexes are a decrease-

No! Increase, increase, increase,
increase, increase, increase, increase.

Okay, three: Possible presence
of clonus tetany.

And tetany would not respond
to intravenous infusions of calcium.

That is... right. Right.

Cardiovascular signs-one:
Tachycardia, two: Premature atrial or-

Ventricular. Ventricular, ventricular,

ventricular, ventricular,
ventricular beats!

Okay. Three. Um-

Flattening or inversion of the T-waves.

Hey! Whoa!

Hey! Mr. Bellati?

Did you just-

Never mind.

Whoa!

All right!

Well, what would you like to
work on today, Dr. Fleischman?

Uh, hematology, pulmonary nephrology?

Maybe we should work on
the problems of dialysis.

Very nice.

I don't know. Maybe tomorrow, Ed.

Hi. Hey. How you doin'?

Pretty good.

Excuse me. Shelly?

Uh, table four needs a tuna sandwich.

- Whole wheat.
- Tuna, wheat.

And Clem would like
a toasted bun on his patty melt.

Toast.

Anything I can do for you back here?

You could slice some pickles.

Oh, I'd like that. Thank you.

Shelly?

I know.

I'm so sorry I hurt you.

I would love you
if your feet were big as logs.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You know, I'm not a real believer
in palmistry, but...

it's not often you get to meet
a real practitioner of the art.

So I was wondering if later, maybe if
you had some time, if you were free-

- Well, sit down.
- No, no, no. You're having lunch.

- Please.
- Okay.

Well, you're mechanical,
and you like sports.

No serious illnesses.

And look, your lifeline is very long.

Great.

Well, thanks.

Is there something specific
you wanted me to look for?

No. Uh, well, yes, actually.

D- Do you see anything about men?

Well, let's take a look
at your heart line.

- You've had some losses.
- Well, yes.

But that was in the past.
What about the future?

- I see marriage.
- You do?

- When?
- Soon.

- Soon?
- Uh-huh.

- How soon?
- Soon enough.

Three kids, all girls.

W- Wait a minute. This man, my man-

He's not from New York, is he?

Well, I-I can't tell. He's tall.

Tall. Tall-tall or short-tall?

Tall-tall.

Muscular and outdoorsy...

and very macho.

Macho. Hmm.

I'm not going to be happy, am I?

Well-

Hi.

Sit down, Bob.

I've thought about it.

I can't go with you.

I get motion sickness on buses.

I know I can take pills.

But my family's here,

my work.

On the bus, I'd just be
the Flying Man's girlfriend.

I would.

I'm a receptionist.

It's a job, not an act.

You could stay here.

I know.

You have to fly.

Hey, O'Connell. Watch this.
Watch. Just stay. Wait.

One sec. One sec.

Aah. I Hey, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait! Just wait! I got it!

O'Connell, I want you to see this.

Wait. Come on. Come on,
O'Connell. Give me a chance.

Hi.

Hey, O'Connell!

Look, this would be so easy for me.
I mean,

physically you're, like,
my perfect fantasy.

- What?
- Clearly the sex would be fabulous.

I mean, you're strong.
You got a perfect back.

I can just feel my arms and legs
wrapped around you.

- Excuse me?
- We'd be all over the room.

It'd go on for hours and hours.
And the kids.

Yeah, I could see that the kids
would be incredibly beautiful,

but even with all this, it's not enough.

I'm sorry. I want to be happy.

That's what I want. I want to be happy.

If there's nothing of substance
in the world,

if... the ground we walk on
is just a mirage,

if reality itself really isn't-

What are we left with,
what do we hang our hat on?

Magic. The stuff not ruled
by rational law.

That might not seem too comforting,
but stay with me here.

What's the height of the irrational,

the zip code of the mysterious?

Exactly.

"O my love's like a red, red rose
that's newly sprung in June."

"O my love's like a melody..."

"that's sweetly played in tune."

"As fair art thou, my bonny lass,
so deep in love am I."

"And I will love thee still, my dear,
till all the seas gang dry."

"Till all the seas gang dry, my dear,
and rocks melt with the sun,"

"I will love thee still, my dear,
while sands of life shall run."

"And fare thee well, my only love,
and fare thee well a while,"

"and I will come again, my love,"

"though it were 10,000 mile."

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

- Hey! Come here! Come here! Hey!
- Come here! Hey!