Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 3, Episode 5 - Jules et Joel - full transcript

Trick or treat, money or eats,
to our K-Bear listeners...

from yours truly, Chris Stevens,
on this All Hallows'Eve.

For those of you who
celebrate the holiday

by acting out the Visigoth spirit,

oh, say with a little egg
throwing or outhouse

tipping, I have an
important police bulletin.

Please be advised. Alaska's
own InspectorJavert,

Officer Barbara Semanski,
is on the prowl,

having succumbed
to the blandishments oflove.

She's given Maurice a
reprieve, and she's currently

being squired somewhere in the vicinity.



Congrats, Maurice. Now,
the rest of you beware.

Here's a little something for all you
ghouls and goblins out there.

Ah. Ah-ha!

Ha!

Ha.

Ah-Ah-ha.

Huh? What? Who is it?

What?

Trick or treat. What?

Trick or treat. What is this?

It's Halloween, dummy.
Just give me some candy.

Halloween's for kids.
You're a little old.

And why do you think I
came all the ways up here?

They laughed me off the
streets in Anchorage.



I don't believe this. Who are you?
Frank Watson.

Just give me some candy-boom-I'm
out of your hair.

I don't have any candy. None?

No. In case you haven't
noticed, I live in the middle

of nowhere, on a lake so
remote it doesn't have a name,

miles from any living
soul who might chance

upon my cabin looking
for candy on Halloween.

Okay, okay, okay. What do you got?

I don't know. I have macaroni
and cheese, Pop-Tarts, a banana.

Give me a banana. No, I will not.
I will not give

you my banana. I'm not
gonna give you anything.

No? No.

All right. How 'bout - Look. I'll give
you a dime, okay? Now do me a favor.

Let me eat my dinner before it
gets cold. A dime? A lousy dime?

Hey, Frank, you're lucky I don't have a

poison apple. Okay, pal.
You asked for it.

Hey! Get out! Stop it!
Hey! Come back! Ow!

All righty. What are the
damages? Well, sir, we got $2,433.

Yeah. I'm a little short.
I'm gonna have to write you a check.

You have some I.D., sir?

Vikram, we've been in
this cab three days.

- You don't know me by now?
- Okay, sir. Okay.

- All righty. What's that number again?
- $2,433.

What's your last name?

- I'll just write it to "Cash."
- What about the girl, sir?

Uh, take her back to-

Here you go.
Where the hell was that again?

Where'd you say you were
from, honey? Manitoba.

Manitoba. Manitoba, sir. Manitoba.

Oh, your husband's a lucky man.

Thank you very much, sir.
Have a nice day, sir. Good-bye.

- Hiya. How you folks doin'?
- Fleischman?

No. Don't move. I love the new look.

Hey, thanks. Hot. Very hot.

The feeling is entirely mutual.

It finally happened, didn't it? All that
unfocused rage. You finally snapped.

What's your name, peaches? Huh?

You're really creepy sometimes,
Fleischman. I mean it. Spooky.

Don't tell me. Let me guess. Z.Z. Top.

Shelly, have you seen Fleischman?

Yeah. I'm actually very worried
about him. He's disoriented, confused,

and he's dressed like a loan shark.

Seemed fine to me.

Shelly, did you ever think of
putting towels in the dispenser?

You know, it's a two-step process-
first the washing, then the drying.

Oh. Sorry.

- What?
- How'd you do it?

You snuck in the back. He
snuck in the back, right?

Huh?

Oh, I get it. You're in this together.

Come on. I saw Gaslight.
Ingrid Bergman, Charles

Boyer. He tries to make
her think she's crazy.

- What are you talking about, O'Connell?
- Okay. Fine.

I mean, you went through
a lot of trouble, so

if you want me to play
along, I'll play along.

But just one thing: How did you
get that mousse out of your hair?

Huh? He's been here
for the last half hour.

Oh, yeah, right. And there's
just some Fleischman

clone and evil twin stalking
the streets of Cicely?

Wait, wait. This clone-
He looks like me?

Is this your idea of funny, Fleischman?

Sharkskin suit, lizard
shoes, big, gold Magen David?

Yeah.

Marilyn,

by any chance have I received
any unexpected visitors today?

He's in there.

- Ho, ho, ho.
- Hey, hey, hey.! He-Hey.!

Oh, no. Schmegeggie.

Look at you- the doctor, all grown up.

You little putz. Come here!

He-Hey, how are ya? I'm fine, Jules.

Come on. They don't feed ya up here? Ow.

Ho! Ho! Stop! Cut it out!

Ow! Ow! Hey, Ma says you don't
write, you're in big trouble.

I'll write! I'll write!
All right. That's better.

Geez. What are you doing here?
I was in the neighborhood.

In the neighborhood?
Right. Are you in trouble?

Nah.

Yeah. You know. The usual story.

A girl, some money, a missing ledger.

Some people were upset.
It seemed prudent to leave New York.

I'll bet. How long you gonna
stay? Just a couple days.

I wanna check out the Arctic Circle.

Tell you the truth, some of the
things I've been involved with-

just various improprieties-

It's been emotionally
very taxing. Yeah, right.

I could really use a break from myself.
Couldn't you-

Wait a second. Remember we
were kids? We used to switch?

I'd go to your violin class.
You'd run numbers for

Ziggy Goldman. Jules, come on.
We're adults now.

So what? You used to love being me!

You got to boost comic
books, pick fights.

You remember? You laid
out Moose Mahoney.

Jules. Ever since your bar mitzvah,
it's been work/study, work/study.

You've been so serious.
Joel, I'm a vacation.

And I am a doctor.
I have responsibilities here.

I will not practice medicine. What?

It's so wonderful being locked
up inside the HonorableJoel

Fleischman 24 hours a
day, seven days a week?

No. Absolutely not.

One day. I'm you, you're me.

No. And that is that. I am
very happy with myself.

I have no need to go
slumming in your persona.

- Ha-Ha.!
- You still got it.

All righty. You see this quarter?

Yeah. Dollar says I remove this
quarter without touchin' the cup.

Just a buck. What do ya say?

I'm in. Me too.

All right. Here we go. You
ready? We got a eenie, a meenie,

a miney, a mo, a one,
two, three and away you go!

- There. It's gone.
- Wow.

It's still there. Not anymore.

That's real slick.

Hey, Joel.

Hey, Joel, your brother
here's a real pistol.

Who'd have thought it?

Thanks, Maurice.
Come on. I'll show you my igloo.

Later, guys. All right.
Thanks for the game.

He-Hey. Joey, wait up. What's
your hurry? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey, Fleischman-
- Yeah.

I heard. I didn't believe it.

Believe it, sweetheart.

Joel? Jules.

Joel?

Joel. Jules, my brother.
Maggie O'Connell.

We've had the pleasure.

Incredible. Two of you.

Double your pleasure. Double your fun.

Come on, Jules.

Unbelievable. Oh, Fleischman?
I need a syringe.

- What?
- To baste my turkey.

Don't be ridiculous. Use a spoon.

You can't shoot butter
under the skin with a spoon.

Right.

A syringe is not a toy, O'Connell.
It's not a

cooking utensil. You
know what a syringe is?

It's desperate people huddled
in filthy stairwells

and dark alleys and
dank subway platforms.

Fleischman, I'm not a junkie.

Look, if you had a
legitimate medical need

for a syringe-say, you were a diabetic-

Am I hearing ethics from you?

Let's just say I have one
redeeming social value-

I don't willy-nilly hand out syringes.

Geez, you never lighten up.

You've got to be the most
anal-retentive individual I've ever met.

What?

- What?
- Nothin'.

I'm not anal-retentive.

Dr. Fleischman? That's me.
Hey, watch that cholesterol.

Wow, Red Cloud. Bon chapeau.

What's that? Oh, hello,
Joel. It's rotten fruit.

Well, as a physician, I
have to tell you that's

a perfect breeding ground
for aerobic bacteria,

salmonella, streptococcus, cholera.

Yeah. I'd keep it covered.

I'm not anal-retentive-
I'm not, not. How ya doin'?

Yeah. How ya doin'?
I'm not anal-retentive.

Did you call me anal-retentive? Don't
call me anal-retentive, 'cause I'm not.

That's right. I'm not.

Uh, Dr. Fleischman. That's me.

Did my test results come in?
Uh, yeah, and you got an "A."

Oh, yeah.

Okay. We got time for a couple more
calls before the big old salsa show.

This is "Mea Culpa." You are on the air.

Hello? Sorry, sir. You're
gonna have to speak up.

Chris, are you Abe Stevens's boy? Yeah.

From Marshall County, West Virginia?
Yeah. Do I know you?

You know of me. This is Frank Watson.
Watson?

Yeah. Lasrove R. V. Sales?
Hauser Menswear?

Turner Plumbing Supplies?

That Frank Watson?
That's you? Yes, it is.

Wow.

Uh, okay, for our audience-

About 10 years ago,
there was a string of bombings...

of retail outlets
in the greater downtown Wheeling area.

Now, nobody was hurt, but there
was substantial property damage,

and the suspect,
identified as a Mr. Frank Watson,

was never apprehended
and is still at large.

I tried to return the sport coat.
The seam split under the arm.

But Wally wouldn't return my money.
Oh, no. He'd only give me credit.

And that camper shell? First rain, it
leaked. You can understand how I felt.

Well-I mean, the consumerjust
doesn't have any other recourse-

Maybe not. Hey, thanks
for your call, and, uh-

Let me tell you about the commode.!
Sorry, Frank. The board's all lit up.

Okay, next caller, you're on the air.

All right. What do you want?
I'll have a gimlet, doll face.

- How 'bout a beer?
- Perfect.

Excuse me, Shelly. I'm going to
have to return this to the kitchen.

Why? Tell the chef the
proper way to prepare

salmon is to poach it
or steam it only...

until it turns a lighter shade of pink.

The fish should still
be firm to the touch,

but flake when prodded with a fork.
Flake.

Okay. Quintessential Fleischman.

Get us a table. I'll be right there.

You're layin' it on a bit thick.

Hi, Dr. Fleischman. Oh, no. I'm
Jules. That's Dr. Fleischman.

Don't worry.
I won't tell anyone it's you.

How did you know, Ed?
Oh, it's an Indian thing.

We're not taken in by appearances.

Hi, Dr. Fleischman. Hey, Fred.

A toast to Alaska's most...

alluring natural beauty.

You should give your brother
some lessons. What do you mean?

Look at him.
All you ever get is one grim note.

- He's so relentlesslyJoel.
- No, no, no.

Joel is really complex.

He has a very refined
and subtle sense of humor.

A lot goes on inside that head
that you don't know about.

Really? Believe me. There's a whole
range of colors on that palette.

Look, I don't wanna talk
aboutJoel. Tell you the truth-

I'm pickin' up on an undercurrent here,
something subtextual in all this.

I sense that you are really attracted
to my better half.

Ho. Ho. Come on. The truth, please.

I swear, I won't tell my brother.
Strictly entre nous.

I'm not sayin' that you would act
on this attraction,

only that it exists.

Just between us?

I mean, maybe it's because
he's such a malcontent,

you know, because he's so self-centered,

egotistical, narcissistic,

and because he's so totally lacking
in any quality I look for in a man.

So, yeah, in some perverse
way, I am attracted to him.

Huh.

This is "Mea Culpa." I pay you
homage, and you're on the air.

Hello? Anybody home?
Okay. Guess not. On to-

Stevens. It's me.

Frank? It's time people
heard my side of the story.

I'm turning myself in. Hey, that's good,
man. That's really good. I'm happy.

I'm turning myself in to you. What?

I trust you.

Uh, listen, Frank.
That's not a very good idea.

Why not? Why not? Because,
oh, geez, come on, Frank.

We have a relationship, Stevens.
We're both from West Virginia.

Look, I'm not qualified,
all right? You need a police officer.

A cop. Some trigger-happy flatfoot?
You're out of your mind.

I only meant that - What's the
matter with you, Stevens? "A cop'"?

Look, I'll call you tonight
with all the details, huh?

Frank, l- And come alone.

I'll be wired with ordnance.

If I see anyone else,
anyone, it's the big

bang, and it'll be on
your head, understand?

Frank? Frank!

Maurice, did you hear that?

That's one disturbed individual.

Are you seeing Officer Semanski tonight?

Yes, sir. Dinner theater in Chumuchu.

They're showing Camelot.
It's a good deal.

You get prime rib, baked potato,
salad bar...

and the show, all for 11.95.

Well, do you think that
maybe, you know, you

could talk to Officer
Semanski about Frank?

I don't know, Chris. These
paranoid types are tricky.

If old Frank figures that
you're gonna double-cross him,

he might walk in here with a little
C-4 and-blow us all to kingdom come.

You'll be all right.

Good luck!

He's no Bobby Goulet,
but that Erik Estrada...

made a damn fine Lancelot,
don't you think?

I could've used seconds
on the prime rib.

Well, Dave'll whip us up a little
snack. You like camarones aztecas?

That's his specialty. Anything else
you get around here is a little iffy.

See it? You got it? All right.
Watch the lady.

What's goin'on?

Okay. You got the bullet. Here you
got the bullet. There you got the lady.

The lady here. Okay, now,
watch the lady. Watch

the lady. All right?
You watchin'her, pal?

Fellas, here we go. Where's the lady?

- The middle one. Here.
- That one. - Ooh! Bad!

I thought you had me that time.
All right.

Who's next? I'll take
any bet up to a fiver.

- You're under arrest.
- How's that?

- Bunko. -
Arrest? - Barbara.

Get my cuffs.
Put your hands against the wall.

We're on a date here.
You're off duty. It's-

Doesn't matter. I'm
obligated to intervene.

Look, I was gonna give the money back-

Spread 'em!
You have the right to remain silent.

Maurice, do something. The nearest
police station is 200 miles away.

Anything you say can and will
be used against you in a court of law.

Ow.

There has to be a visitors' lounge,
a waiting room.

I'm not gonna run away. I'm a physician.

I have degrees from some of the finest

institutions of higher
learning in the world.

There is no need to put me behind bars.

Okay. All right.
I understand it's a procedural thing,

but isn't there supposed
to be a phone call?

One phone call?
That's my understanding, Officer.

Officer!

Hi.

No problem.

- You seem uncomfortable.
- Pardon?

I was remarking that
you appear somewhat ill at ease.

I'm in jail. How am I supposed to feel?

Why do you assume
there's a correct emotional response?

Any one of a number
of responses might be appropriate.

I know you. Do I know you?

Let's get back to your feelings
about being incarcerated.

- Why?
- Uh-huh.

- "Uh-huh" what?
- Your choice of words.

"Why," "who," "what," "where,"
"when," "how."

Do you always do things
only out of a sense of obligation?

No.

Yeah. Most of the time. Yeah.

See anything good in there?

Hey. Willie.

Oh, yeah, Willie Dixon.
Mighty Earthquake and Hurricane.

Ed, anything drastic ever happens
to me, this is yours, buddy.

Well, maybe Frank won't call tonight.

Hey. Just fine with me.

- Hey. Maybe he'll never call again.
- You think?

Yeah. Of course, then you'd be
waiting on him to call.

All night. Every day.

Every time the phone rings.

Every time there's a knock at the door.

Every time you get in the shower.
You know, likeJanet Leigh in Psycho.

Ed. Can we
just talk about something else?

Okay.

What's that? Did you hear that?

What?

Right-That.

M-Maybe.

You'd better get that. All right.

Hello. Oh, hi, Frank.

Uh, no. I was-I was in the back.
I had to run up.

No, no. I'm glad.
I'm glad you called me.

Right. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Okay, hey, Frank? You think
we can meet somewhere a little closer?

You know, somewhere
with some streetlights?

Frank? Frank?

When?

Tomorrow night.
Out by the flume at Ketchum Lake.

Oh.

Ed, he said if I'm not there, there's
gonna be a crater 20 feet long...

with nothing but teeth and shoelaces.

You know what this reminds me of? A man
named Sweeho, up by the Noatak River.

- He had to bring in a psychopath?
- Oh, no. He was the psycho.

Chopped up eight miners.
Then Sweeho said he'd turn himself in,

but the sheriff had to
go into the mine... alone.

That's it? That's it, Ed?
That's the story?

Oh, no. Afterwards,
they went in and found the sheriff.

He was chopped up in little sections-
like Dave does with those chickens?

I guess Sweeho changed his mind.

You know, huh? Hey, don't worry
aboutJoel. Jail'll be good for him.

Broaden him.

Let's call in the next
patient, shall we?

Number six.

Good morning, I'm Dr. Fleischman. Up
we go. So, what seems to be the problem?

Well, I got a headache
and a sore throat.

Yeah? I think I got that
flu that's going around.

Well, I'm not gonna rule out the flu,
but there are other possibilities.

There's tonsillitis, brain tumor.
Let's have a look-see.

Ow.

Oops. Let's see the tonsils, huh?

Hey, wait. That's wet. It's been used.

You want a new one? No problem. I
myself try to save a tree where I can.

Conserve. Recycle.
That's my motto. Say "Ah."

Ah.

A little sensitive, aren't we?
Okay, let's check your reflexes.

Boo! Good.

So, Miss Hacket says, "You're making fun
ofJerry Trinkle, Joel."

I said, "No, I wasn't." She said,
"You were. Kenny Morgan saw you."

I said, "No, no. That was my brother."
Your "twin" brother?

Yeah. What was I gonna do?
Admit that I had perpetrated

an act so gratuitously
cruel and malicious...

against a kid whose only-only crime
was a slight obesity and out-of-itness?

- Hmm.
- "Hmm"? What does "hmm" mean?

"Hmm'"as in "Hmm, there's some
deep, dark significance here? '"

Like, maybe I actually
identified with the Trinkle boy,

was actually
punishing myself by torturing him?

Or is this "Hmm'"just, "Hmm,
this is really boring. I'm not

really interested but I'll
make him think that I am'"?

What do you think?

Well, my point is,
what difference does it make toJules?

I mean, one more blot, more or less,
on his already disreputable character.

Whereas to soil my reputation would-

- Soil you?
- Yeah, soil.

Sully. Tarnish. Soil.

- What?
- This business of soiling,

does it remind you of anything?

Now, see, you would say that.

But, at leastJules expresses his id.
I mean, he is id.

Me, I am all superego, good behavior,
stellar achievement.

Always judging myself
by how others judge me.

But-

Who-Who really is the bad one here?
Joel, who is only pretending to be good?

OrJules, who expresses
his evil side so that

when he is good, it's
the genuine article?

Perhaps you project onto your brother
those parts of yourself...

which it is uncomfortable
for you yourself to own up to.

Isn't that merely a restatement
of what I was just saying?

That's all we have time for today.

Okay.

One more question while I have you here.

Maybe you are who you are,
maybe you aren't.

Let's just say, for the sake
of argument, you are.

This whole swirl of controversy
that surrounds you-

My emphasis on Oedipal conflict
and penis envy?

Exactly. I mean, there's been almost
a century of psychoanalytic practice,

untold millions spent in dark offices

cluttered with expensive
Oriental rugs...

and Hindu art on Park Avenue.

I mean, this huge, quasi-scientific,

monolithic edifice based
on your principles.

And now people are beginning to
question those very ideas.

Postulating, in fact, that the
whole sexual orientation of

Freudian psychoanalysis is,
in fact, misguided and wrong.

How would you respond to such criticism?

It's just a theory.

Whoa. No, no, no, no.
Save some for yourself.

It's so good.

Half the pleasure in these things
is watching other people's enjoyment.

That's what wine is for.
To be savored and enjoyed.

Hmm. Cheers.

I'm surprised you even
opened this bottle, Fleischman.

Your $400, precious '61 Margaux.

I thought you were saving it for the day
you left this "armpit of civilization."

When you called me anal-retentive
the other day, well, point well taken.

I saw the bottle, I
thought, "Why hold on"?

And who better to share
it with than Maggie?

- Maggie?
- That's your name, isn't it?

What are you up to, Fleischman? Did your
brother tell you what I said about you?

- No.
- Because it was purely theoretical.

Besides, he was supposed to
keep his mouth shut.

You have the most amazing eyes
I have ever seen.

Has anybody ever told you that?

Well, yeah, I think
they're one of my better features.

Wait a minute. Eyes?

They're so intelligent.
They look right through a person.

What are you doing talking about eyes?

I know I don't usually
say things like this.

Maybe it's from being around
my brother, but you are-

Fleischman. So beautiful.
Do you know that?

What are you doing, Fleischman?

And that mouth.
You have such beautiful lips.

Fleischman.

Hello. Yeah. He's here. Hold on.

It's your brother. Hmm?

Hello?

Jules is-is an animal. Apredator.

A sexual juggernaut whose idea
of guilt is something like lint.

Say-SayJules meets a girl.

As he rips her clothes
off, they writhe like

eels into a frenzy of
unadulterated lovemaking.

I mean, me, I'd shower with
my socks on if they wouldn't get moldy.

I have this thing about
getting totally naked.

- I feel so totally-
- Exposed?

Exactly. I mean,
I wanna be spontaneous. I do.

But I have this thing about
analyzing my every move.

And premeditated spontaneity...

is about as exhilarating as
getting the measles twice.

Elaborate, please.

Okay, let's take O'Connell, for example.

I mean, Jules plies her with
alcoholic beverages, instinctively

tells her everything he
knows she wants to hear,

flatters her, charms her
and then sticks his tongue

down her throat before she
has a chance to say "Ah. '"

I mean, me, do I want her
as badly as Jules? Absolutely.

But do I pin her against the wall,
pressing my chest against her chest?

Thrusting my hips
against her hips? I mean, do I?

Do you?

Me, yeah. Joel Fleischman.
Are you kidding? No way.

I mean, I'd tell her it'd never work out

simply because we have
nothing in common...

because I hate everything
that she likes.

And in return for my forthrightness
and honesty,

I'd get at best, if ever,
her grudging respect.

When, likeJules, what I really want...

is to lick her naked body from head
to foot like a postage stamp.

Did I mention that
I used to collect stamps as a kid?

Did I?

Sigmund?

Excuse me.

Hello?

- Chris?
- Frank?

Yeah. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Boy are you Abe Stevens's kid.

Oh. Same exact forehead.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
People have said that.

Oh, Chris-
I've waited a long time for this day.

Yeah. I've thought about it.
An end to the running.

A chance to be heard, you know?
Whew. Well, let's go.

- Okay.
- "Okay"?

Yeah, Frank,
let's get the hell out of here.

No, no, no, no. You said, "okay."
Okay, what?

Um, nothing.

All right, Frank. I created
all this anxiety when you called,

and, you know, I fabricated this whole

scenario out here in
the woods, you know.

With the Mad Bomber? Right.

So, I'm not what you expected.

You expected somebody else.

Somebody dangerous?
A bigger person... maybe?

Nope. Come on. I can take it.

Say it. I'm short. No, no. Frank.
Size is completely relative, you know?

Say it. I'm short.

Short. Of no account.

A piffle. An elf. A midget. A dwarf.

"Oh, don't worry about Frank.
Frank is no problem."

"Hey, shorty. Why don't you
get up off your knees?"

Frank, listen to me. You are not
that short. Yeah? How tall are you?

Frank. Frank. Short's good.
Short's good.

Better balance. Lower center of gravity.

You know, think of it.
All the tough guys, they weren't giants.

B-Bruce Lee.
Napoléon-5'2", conquered Europe.

Uh, Edward G. Robinson. James Cagney.

Oh, James Cagney. I likeJames Cagney.

Right. Right. Chris.

I'm sorry, Chris. I've got a temper.

We should be going.

Whenever you're ready.

I'm ready.

Frank? Huh?

This way. Oh, yeah.

Listen, your father.
Whatever happened to him?

Um, cirrhosis of the liver.

Oh, too bad. Nice guy. Very nice guy.

Where the hell were you?
How could you leave me

in there like that? In
a jail with criminals?

I was tied up. Unspeakable
things could've happened to me.

Hey, I'm the one who's
gonna suffer, pal.

Your indiscretion goes on my record.

I think an apology's in order.
An apology?

I shudder to think what
you've been up to.

- Nothing bad happened.
- What is that supposed to mean?

No fatalities. You saw patients?

You promised you wouldn't see
patients. I couldn't help it.

That's not only unethical and illegal,
that is dangerous.

All right. You're right. You're right.
I'm sorry.

But, Joel, try to understand.
You're a professional.

You have an office, a receptionist.
People look up to you.

A guy like me, you know, I could never
get anywhere with a woman like Maggie.

What has Maggie got to do with this?

What I mean is,

it felt so good to put on
that white coat-

I felt clean. Joel, clean.

I tricked people. I took advantage
of them. Look at me.

I haven't had a shower in days.

I could get used to this. Yeah.

Jules, do me a favor. Don't come back
for a couple of years. No problem.

Sure.

Oh, by the way,
you got a date with Maggie tonight.

Okay. Breast or thigh? White or dark?

Uh, white. White.

No skin. White, no skin. Okay. Okay.

Do you always do a
Thanksgiving trial run? Uh-huh.

Thanks for being my guinea pig.
Looks good.

Well, it would've been better
if you'd given me a syringe.

O'Connell, in the
immortal words of Popeye

- "I am what I am and that's all I am."

What happened to "Maggie"? What?

Last night you called me Maggie.
Last night?

- Don't you remember?
- Sure, I remember.

Y-You said all those things
about my lips and my mouth.

Well, you know, you said they were, uh-

- Sure. When we were-
- Yeah.

- In the, uh-
- On the couch.

Right.

Wow. This is delicious.

Mmm.

You know, it's amazing
how much you look like your brother.

I'm taller.

Slick back your hair,
put you in a polyester

suit. You guys could almost
pass as one another.

Never work. Inside we are
very different people.

Maybe.

You know, O'Connell, all that stuff
I said last night?

I meant every word.

Joel? Jules? Jules? Joel?

Joel? Jules? Fleischman.
Fleischman, wake up.

Fleischman? Huh?

Fleischman? It's okay.

O'Connell, it's you.

Of course it's me. Hey. Anybody there?

I heard about what happened toJoel,

and, well, he looks okay now.

Yeah, but he hit his
noggin real hard. We

thought for a while
there he was a goner.

No, you don't understand. I wasn't here.

l-I wasn't, really.

l-I was in jail with Freud-

You ran into the railing, Fleischman,
and these guys found you.

You just had a bad dream.

No, it wasn't a dream. It
was real, and you were there.

A-And he was there. And him.

Sometimes weird things happen.

Ed, Chris and you were talking about
bringing in the Mad Bomber.

And, O'Connell,
you were seduced byJules.

Jules? My twin brother,
who you thought was me, and-

Wait.

I don't have a twin
brother named Jules. Do I?

It was just a bad dream, Joel.

- Halloween jitters.
- Oh.

It felt real.

Well, we, uh- we better be shoving off.

Yeah, we got a long flight tomorrow.
Uh, hey,

you take care of that bump on your head.

Okay? I will. Thanks.

- Rest easy, Joel.
- Bye-bye, Dr. Fleischman.

You need anything, Fleischman?

No. I don't think so.

Okay. Get a good night's sleep.
We'll come see you tomorrow, okay?

Can I give you a hand with that stuff?
No, thanks.

But, uh, where can we get
a good meal around here?

Holling's bar. Good food.
How's the hunting, boys?

Oh, it was great, but we're
looking forward to getting home.

Where's that? Topeka.

Kansas?

Nah.

There's a dark side
to each and every human soul.

We wanna be Obi-Wan Kenobi
and, for the most part, we are.

But there's a little Darth Vader
in all of us.

'Cause the thing is,
this ain't no either/or proposition.

'Cause we're talking about dialectics.
The good and the bad merging into us.

You know, you can run,
but you can't hide.

My experience? Face the darkness.

Stare it down and own it.

It's like brother Nietzsche says-
Being human's a complicated gig.

So, give that old dark night of
the soul a hug.

And howl the "eternal Yes."