Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 3, Episode 22 - Our Wedding - full transcript

Marilyn! There was a Wine Spectator
on my desk.

I know it was on my desk. Someone
must have come in and taken it.

Would you tell me,
why do people up here...

have such a difficult time
with the concept of private property?

That magazine was mine.
My name was on the mailing label.

- Under the desk.
- Under the desk?

- It wobbles. - This is a
magazine, Marilyn- reading material.

It's not a shim. Hey.

Why do you do that?

Why do you always need
the element of surprise?

- We want blood tests.
- Blood tests?



Here. Sweetheart.
Sweetheart?

Yeah. That's a, uh- a common
term of address for one's fianc?e.

- Fianc?e?
- What, are your synapses not firing?

Yes. Eve is my fianc?e.
We're getting married.

Ergo, the blood tests.

Oh. Honey, uh, do you want
the, uh, tofu with black bean sauce...

or the poached salmon?

Salmon.
Gestational diabetes.

She has to eat every two hours.

Excuse my confusion here,
but you two are already married.

- Who told you that?
- You did, several times.

I distinctly remember you
referring to Eve as "my wife."

- Oh, I see. So l- I owe
you an apology? - No, but-

I'm a man, Fleischman.



We are born with an image of"woman"
imprinted in our psyches.

We spend our whole lives searching for
the embodiment of that feminine archetype.

And there she sits, in the flesh.

You tell me. What man could resist
the fantasy of having her as his wife?

Okay. The truth is we're not married.

But, to my great joy,
this incredible woman-

the mother of my child-

has finally consented to be my bride.

Salt?
Better not.

"Pussy said to Owl,
"You elegant fowl,

"how charmingly sweet you sing.

"Oh, let us be married.
Too long have we tarried.

"But what shall we do for a ring? '

"They sailed away for a year and a day
to the land where the bong tree grows.

And there in the wood, a Piggy-wig stood
with a ring at the end of his nose."

Yes, folks, the clean, clear Cicelian air will
soon resound with the peal of wedding bells.

Master chef and country squire Adam...

will exchange vows with the lady Eve
this Sunday at 11:00 a.m.

Attire- semiformal daytime.

A reception will follow at The Brick,
a no-host bar.

Are you stumped for a gift?
Well, the happy couple is registered...

at Gump's, Orgell's, Tiffany's
and, for those shopping in town,

Ruth-Anne's-
Hey.! Bernardo.

Hey, Chris.
Whoo-hoo!

Bernardo. Surprise, surprise.
What are you doin' back?

Ah! I'm on my way to Russia.
What?

Yeah. They're opening a stock exchange in
Novosibirsk, and they needed a C.P.A. to consult.

Nice wheels.

Yeah. I'm gonna drive there,
see a little something of Siberia.

How you gonna cross
the Bering Strait?

They started ferry service
from Tin City to Olyutorsky.

You know, Chris, it was really weird.
The whole way up here,

I kept humming... Mahler.
Mahler?

Yeah.
Das Lied von der Erde?

Yeah. That's it. I just got a new recording
- bootleg Kathy Ferrier.

Let's go check it out.
All right.

You did that?
Mm-hmm. Sure did.

Yeah? How many have you done?
Oh, about five.

Five? That's great.
Hey, Dave. How are you?

Good. Yourself?
All right.

Hey, O'Connell.
Hey, Fleischman.

Beautiful day, isn't it?
Yeah.

How are you?
I'm all right.

Good. Gotta go.
Bye, Maggie.

O'Connell. Sorry. I'd
love to stay. I just can't.

Hey, what's with the birds?
They're cranes, for the wedding.

- Oh.
- A thousand cranes bring good luck.

I found 'em.
Hmm?

The little guys from our wedding cake
that we never had.

We can give 'em to Adam and Eve.

Yeah, I guess so, but, uh-
We're never gonna use 'em.

They're just sitting there
getting all dusty in the closet.

Is that Eve's?
Yes, it is.

I'll take it.
Aren't weddings a gas, babe?

Chef salad
- hold the turkey, hold the egg, hold the cheese, hold the ham.

And dressing on the side.
Thanks.

This wedding's got me so jazzed
I could pee in my pants.

What does your dress look like?

You know, Adam thinks the child will
be stigmatized if we're not married.

When my friend Connie got hitched,
she was knocked up too,

but you almost couldn't tell
'cause she wore this muumuu thing.

And besides that, she was
pretty porky to begin with.

Jean-Paul Sartre, Simon de Beauvoir-
they weren't married.

What are the bridesmaids gonna wear?
Jack Nicholson, Rebecca Broussard.

You do have bridesmaids? Eve.

This is the heaviest day of your life.
You can't just shine it on.

Even if you don't have any friends, you
have to have a maid of honor. It's tradition.

I know we're not really tight
or anything,

but I really dig weddings, and
I'd bust my buns to do a good job.

So, if it's cool with you-
Okay.

You mean it?

I'm your maid of honor?
Mm-hmm.

Oh.! Holling.! Holling.!
Guess what?

- Minnifield?
- Barbara.

Do you have a moment?

Can I get you something-
some lemonade, some iced tea?

No, thank you.
You're looking good, Barbara.

You're looking fit, strong.

Uh-huh.
Do you have a 65-acre tract,

parcel number 436 at the borough
of Arrowhead County?

Come again? A complaint's been filed
by the owner of the adjoining property.

A Mr. Ivory Springer? What the hell does
Ivory Springer have to do with you and me?

Mr. Springer alleges that,
on the 26th of April,

excavators in your employ graded the
aforementioned property with high explosives.

That's right. So? Mr. Springer
alleges that some of his livestock...

were seriously injured
from the force of the explosion.

Now, hold on just a minute.

Are you telling me
that the only reason you're here...

is because of Ivory Springer's
trumped-up charges?

A formal complaint has been filed.

Barbara?

What about us?
What about you and me?

I'm just here to do my job.

I see.

Dr. Fleischman.
The blood tests?

Yes. Your V.D.R.L. was normal.
You're fine.

What about Adam?
Adam's fine too.

You're sure? You're positive?
Yes, I'm sure. Get married.

Wait a minute. I want you to run a
serology on him for sporadic hepatitis "C."

What, you think he has hep "C"?
He's been very tired lately.

That could be a lot of things.
He was in Bangladesh last year.

You know Adam.
He always eats the local food.

Yeah, well, I mean, I don't
have a lab to run a hep "C."

I'd have to send it off
to Anchorage.

Besides,
I'd need Adam's permission.

- Pick's disease.
- Pick's disease?

Yeah. I think he has
all the symptoms-

confusion,
inappropriate behavior, drooling.

Pick's disease is extremely rare.

And tragically, it's progressive
and irreversible.

You know, Dr. Fleischman,
I know my strengths,

but I also know my limitations.

And at this stage of my life,
with my own fragile health,

I don't know if I could cope with
both an infant and a helpless invalid.

Adam doesn't have Pick's disease.

Oh.
Hey, O'Connell.

- Hi. How are you?
- All right.

Uh, well, I have to go.

See you. Bye.

Shame on you.

The poor woman can't even
look you in the eye.

What were you thinking?

What are you talking about?
I understand.

You were out of town.
You felt free, unencumbered.

But did you have
to sleep with her?

Who told you that?
Adam.

Adam? How did Adam know?

Did you for one minute
consider the ramifications,

or was it just, "I want, I want"?

The truth is I didn't sleep with her.
Oh, spare me.

Hey. She thinks I slept with her.
I didn't.

How can you tell me this
with a straight face?

What is it with you men? Why do
you all act like guilty children?

She fell asleep.
Stop. Stop. Please.

You're making me physically ill.

A wife.

Oh. It's you.
Hi.

Hi.
Can I come in?

You wanna come in?
To-To my house?

Can I?
Uh, okay.

Thanks.

Um, I know it's late, O'Connell,
but, um, I had to see you.

You did?
Yeah.

When I run into you in town,
you're not yourself.

Right? I mean, there's this incredible tension.
I know what you're feeling.

I know what's going on.
There's nothing going on.

Why would you think
there's something going on?

It's fine. Everything's-
Everything's fine. Really.

Come on. O'Connell, stop denying it.
Stop trying to pretend.

I'm busy tonight, Fleischman.
I mean-

Not that I wouldn't be interested
at some other time.

I'm not closing the door on any future
physical involvement. No, no, no. Listen.

You know, Fleischman, look,
what happened in Juneau happened.

I mean, you know, it just... happened.

And-And as I said,
I'm glad it happened.

Um, well, not "glad."
More "I'm pleased."

Listen, l-
It's a memory I'll never forget.

- O'Connell.
- What?

- It never happened.
- What never happened?

You, me. Juneau.

Physical involvement.
Intimacy.

It never happened.
We never had sex.

You fell asleep.
I fell asleep?

Yeah.

We never had sex?
No.

So everything's fine, see?

You don't have to have
this weird thing between us.

We can just go on the way
we've always gone on.

What?

You son of a bitch.

O'Connell?

You miserable, sadistic,

terrible... creep!

- O'Connell?
- You-You snake!

You're a rat!
You're a pig!

You're the one who pretended we had sex just
because you couldn't remember. Ooh.! Oh.!

You're a slime!
You're slime! You're scum!

You maggot! You fly!
You're a pimple!

A boil! An abscess!
Hey.! Hey.!

I'm the victim here!

Ow!

You hateful, despicable worm!

Barbara. Remember, you promised to bring
ambrosia salad to the shower tonight.

Yeah. Hi, Willy. Bachelor party tonight.

Top of the mornin', Cicely.

Chris in the Morning here with my
peripatetic brother, Bernard. Hiya.

What do you say we get things rollin'
with a little wedding update? Okay.

Marilyn Whirlwind reports
the crane count now stands at 312.

Whoo-doggy! 688 to go.

Okay, let's get folding, people.

And please, no three-hole-punched paper
and no ruled paper either. Thanks.

This just in. Shelly Tambo is throwin'
a "chicks only" shower for Eve tonight.

"Need someone to bring the macaroni
salad. Go heavy on the pickle relish."

Take it away, maestro.

Nice.

It was frightening, Marilyn. O'Connell
was completely out of control.

There was no talking to her,
no reaching her.

I've never seen anything like it.
She was just consumed by rage.

The irony is-
I went there to clear the air.

I went there to do her a favor.
This is the thanks I get.

You had it coming.
What? What do you mean?

You don't even know what I'm
talking about. You're a man.

What, that means I'm immediately
guilty of something?

Yes.

Hi, Marilyn.

Uh, I have your gauze, half-inch
adhesive tape and five-M.L. syringes.

O'Connell, do you realize that if that
cassette had hit one inch to the left- one inch-

that I might well have lost the eye?

I assume you want to apologize.

I told Red that he'd be flying in
your deliveries from now on.

Any flights should be
booked through him.

And any complaints about the cabin
should go through Maurice.

Have a nice day, Marilyn.

Okay.

Now, is there anything in particular
you guys want me to hit on in the service-

like themes, ethnic traditions,
theological concepts?

I'll tell you what I don't want.
I don't want one of those quickie,

hang-loose, "I'm okay, you're okay"
weddings.

I want tradition.
I want ritual.

- I wanna feel married.
- Okay. Eve?

Frankly, I don't see
why we need a service.

I told you
why we need a service.

To get a piece of paper?
A piece of paper?

Where am l-
a commune, a love-in?

What, we're retrocounterculture
all of a sudden?

Need I remind you that the social experiments
of the '60s and the '70s were an abject failure?

They left us spiritually bankrupt,
empty, alienated.

What the great traditionalist
fails to realize...

is that those very traditions
are the major obstacle to our marriage.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about fundamental religious differences.

What religious differences?

I happen to be Christian Scientist.
Christian Scientist?

You're the poster child
for the A.M.A.

I am reformed Christian Scientist.
He's a Quaker.

Really?
Besides weddings,

interfaith marriages
present a host of problems.

You never said anything before. How do you raise
the children? What holidays do you celebrate?

We've been living together
for 12 years.

This is part of a much larger issue-
my identity.

Do you know how hard it is
for a woman in this society...

to earn recognition on her own,

to be respected as competent
and independent?

And then to throw it all
out the window by getting married,

by allowing herself to be consumed
by some hirsute man!

All right. All right. Stop it.

- I'll convert.
- You will?

Do you have any Mary Baker Eddy?

What? What?

Here are your things for
the, uh, shower. Thanks, babe.

Would you do me a favor? Would
you blow these up for me? Sure.

I'm doing everything
in white and blue.

"Marry in white, you've chosen all right.

Marry in blue, your love is true."

This shower has just got to be
the most totally perfect bitchin' thing.

I mean, a babe, you know
- she spends her whole life just waiting for this.

The big "M."

Holy matrimony.

When you're a little kid, you watch
everybody's older sister get hitched,

and you think,
"God, when is it gonna be my turn?

"When am I gonna get
to walk down that aisle...

be queen for a day?"

Everybody's sayin'
how hot you look,

and your mom crying,

and your squeeze standing there
in a powder-blue tux...

Iooking all cute and scared.

And then those words-

"I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride."

Order up.

I think we're gonna have to face
the facts. We really have no choice.

He's gonna have to start
me on betamethasone. Huh?

I'm sorry. I know you were looking
forward to the wedding. So was I.

What are you talking about?
Premature labor.

I'm gonna need
an airlift to Anchorage.

You're not in premature labor.
Excuse me? I'm having contractions.

Um, you have a slight
urinary tract infection.

An infection is even worse.

If it attacks my kidneys, we could be
facing pyelonephritis, renal failure.

- Is that true?
- You're not gonna get pyelonephritis.

- What about amnionitis? Septic shock?
- I'm putting you on antibiotics.

- Tetracycline, I suppose. What about the baby's teeth?
- I'll give you cephalosporin.

Look, can we get married or not? You can do whatever you want
- get married, not get married.

Split up, move to Brazil.
I don't care.

Medically speaking- get some rest,
avoid sex, and you'll be fine.

Hopefully you'll get
a lot of wedding gifts. Next.!

It was just before noon.

I finished sloppin'the pigs. I was sittin'down
to lunch when I heard the first explosion.

Geez, what a bang!

Knocked an elk rack
right off the wall.

Then, two seconds later,
another one.

Whammo! I thought to myself, "What
in the hell is Minnifield up to now?"

I gave you plenty of warning,
Springer. So I came rushing out here.

Let me tell you. It wasn't a pretty sight.
These poor animals never knew what hit 'em.

That's what you get
for grazing your cattle on my property.

It's my property,
and you know it.

Let's settle this thing like
men, Springer. Fine with me.

Back off!
He started it.

Thank you, Mr. Springer.
You can go now.

Mona here used to give
two gallon a day.

Now not a drop.
Thank you, Mr. Springer.

I hope you're not buying into
what he's saying.

That man's a flat-out liar.

Maurice.

There's a benchmark
in that rock.

I checked the surveyor's map.

Springer's cattle
were on his property.

- Damn.
- One more thing.

Uh, about what happened
between you and me?

I'd just like to say
you showed your mettle.

I gave you my best shot. You took
it on the chin, but you took it.

You picked yourself right up
off the canvas,

and you didn't come
crawling back.

I wanted to, Barbara.
But you didn't.

And I can respect that.

Yeah.

There you are.
Now, how about a gift?

A gift?
For Adam and Eve.

I've still got the fondue pot.

Hi, Ruth-Anne.
Maggie.

Look, is this how it's gonna be,
O'Connell? I'm a nonperson? I don't exist?

Do you realize
how childishly you're behaving?

Hey, we live in a very small town.
Minuscule.

We see each other every day.

Is this corn on special?
Two for a dollar.

Okay. If I have to be the adult, fine.

Even though I think the blame rests
equally on both of our shoulders.

I'm willing to apologize.
I'm sorry I lied to you.

You just don't know
where to stop, do you?

Hey, wait.

O'Connell, what the hell
is goin' on?

I extend myself to you.
I apologize.

I could just kill you, Fleischman. I could
wrap my hands around your neck and strangle you.

I said I was sorry.
How could you not sleep with me?

What? I was lying there in bed
- prostrate, willing.

You were asleep. And you
couldn't wake me up, Fleischman?

I mean, how much trouble
could it have been? I tried.

Oh, yeah. Right. O'Connell, I
shook you. I called your name.

I was tickling your feet,
for cryin' out loud.

Just admit it, Fleischman. Just admit it.
It didn't mean that much to you.

The first excuse you had,
you turned tail and ran.

What the hell was I supposed to do? Rip
your clothes off and have my way with you?

Yes!
Yes?

Yes! You had an invitation.
I agreed.

I was trying to be considerate,
sensitive.

Who cares, Fleischman? Where's
the desire? Where's the passion?

There was plenty of passion,
and there was plenty of desire.

But I also had a little bit
of self-control.

Oh, great. That's what I inspire
in you, Fleischman- self-control?

Well, I'm flattered.
I'm very, very flattered!

Pickles. Um, where's the, uh,
sour cream?

Excuse me.

Hey, Catfish. I haven't seen you
in a coon's age.

Ah. I've never been
to a bachelor party before.

Crowds.

Qui Nhon, 1968.

Mama-san walked into the bar
peddling cigarettes.

Nobody paid her much attention,

that is till she pulled a
fragmentation grenade out of her basket.

By then, it was too late.
Oh.

A piece of advice, my friend.

A room like this
- you keep your back to the wall, your eyes on the door.

Thanks.

Not much of a stag party, is it?

Well, we were supposed to have an exotic
dancer from Sleetmute, but she had to cancel.

Her five-year-old
came down with the croup.

Yeah.

Ah!

Sorry.

Holling, Maurice.

Hey, any better with the collar?
Oh, it's about the same.

Yeah? You might wanna try
a little local heat.

Well, what a relief, huh?

No women.
Yeah.

Hi.

What a relief, huh?
No men.

I don't know, Maggie.

These segregated affairs have
always struck me as unnatural.

Okay. Everybody over here.

We're gonna do "balloon ballyhoo."

Inside of this is a number. You
also got numbers on your name tags.

If your number on your tag is the same as
the one in the balloon, you get the prize.

Eve, sit your moon down here
and pop it.

- Oh, in my condition, it's contraindicated. You do it.
- Okay.

Where is it?
Where's- Four.

- Oh, that's me.
- Oh, congratulations.

Styling gel. Just what I need.
How thoughtful.

Okay. Everybody get a partner.
We're gonna do "toilet paper bride."

You're in pain, Vincoeur.

I can help.
You need an adjustment.

A what? Chiropractic. And don't
give me the A.M.A. big lie.

They'll tell you anything
to protect their little monopoly.

I'm suffocating.
Let's get outta here.

It's a symbiotic relationship.

You cannot separate the mind
from the body.

The root cause is psychosomatic,
but the pathology is real.

What are you talking about?
Oh, you need layman's terms?

I'll give it to you
in one word, my friend- guilt.

You dumped Shelly at the altar,
and now you can never forgive yourself.

Count to three.
One, two-

three.

Sit up. See, I don't understand
people like you, Vincoeur.

Despite everything I've achieved
in my life-

the culinary awards, the military
commendations, the honorary degrees-

I have never, ever lost sight
of what's truly important,

the thing that gives meaning
to these triumphs.

Someone to share them with-

a companion, a helpmate, a wife.

I am counting the minutes,
the seconds,

until the moment when I slip
that ring on Eve's finger.

How do you feel?

Better. Much better.

Yeah. Me too.

There. Here you go.
Okay. Here's one for you.

And you.
And you.

Here's one, Carol.

240 to go.

Why did I do it?
Why did I say yes?

I don't know.

Do you realize Adam's never held a job
for more than two weeks?

He's rude. He insults people.

He won't tolerate
the slightest criticism.

How can I rely on him to
support a family? You can't.

A husband, by definition,
is supposed to be a provider.

Adam- he'll never be able
to take care of me.

I'll always have to
take care of him. Uh-huh.

I already have one child.
Now I'll have two.

Here's your T.P.

Lot of strange things
about women.

Yeah. Amen to that.

They give you every indication that
they want you to do one thing...

when, in fact, they want you
to do the opposite.

Mm-hmm. And the topper is they
get mad you don't know that.

Women have a very difficult time
understanding that men are simpler creatures.

Simpler?
Mm-hmm.

Simpler because we're not
wildly irrational?

Yeah. Look at it this way.

For the most part,
men are ruled by two things-

their penis and their stomach.

Now, those are concrete,
tangible things.

With women, well, the situation
gets much murkier.

They're... motivated by all that
right-brain, emotional stuff.

Love, hate.

Rage.
Huh. Rage.

Yeah. Rage.

Two minutes. Then all the brides
gotta line up for judging.

Oh, good.

You know, I don't wanna
hurt Shelly's feelings,

but I don't really think this is something
that grown women should be doing.

Ruth-Anne, don't you think
any woman- any normal woman-

would be furious if a man led her
to believe she had sex with him,

and later on she found out
she didn't?

Well, Maggie, I've never been
in that situation. Raise your arms.

Well, don't you think it's understandable,
at least, that she would hate him?

I mean, because she really agonized
over this. She really tortured herself.

Here's some bobby pins for the veil.
Thank you.

But, you know, the thing is,

even though she felt bad about
the idea of sleeping with him,

deep down, she kind of liked it.

In fact, she created this very elaborate,
very erotic fantasy about what it was like.

Guilty pleasure.
Yeah.

But the really awful thing
is that now it's gone.

She should sleep with him.
Sleep with him?

That's right.

Even though he did this
horrible, hateful thing? Mm-hmm.

Maggie, there are two parts
to guilty pleasure.

If she's going to suffer the guilt, then
she should at least enjoy the pleasure.

Turn around.

Okay. Let's do it.
Do what?

It. Sex. What we should have
done in Juneau.

Sex?
Yes.

You came here to have sex?
Yes.

I think we should finish
what we started.

A few hours ago,
you wanted to strangle me.

Well, yeah,
but that was a few hours ago.

What do you say?

Uh, well-

Yeah. That's okay. Sure.
Okay.

Have a seat.
Okay.

You want a drink?

Um, no. Do you?

Uh, no. Not really.

Okay.

It's good you came.
I mean, I'm glad.

Yeah?
You sure you wanna have sex?

Yes, absolutely.

Well, okay.

You're all comfortable?
Yeah. Mm.

Did you smoke a cigar?

That's okay. That's all right. Uh-

I like it.

Oh, God. O'Connell.
Oh, God.

Oh, God. Ah!

Do you want me, Fleischman?
Yeah. I want you.

No, but do you-
Do you really, really want me?

I really, really, really, really want you.

Even if I fell asleep?
It wouldn't matter.

Nothing would stand in your way?
Nothing.

An earthquake, a forest fire, tidal wave.

That's great.
That's really great.

Yeah. No, I mean- l-l-
I feel much better now.

Yeah. I mean, I really
feel fine. I feel good.

Yeah. So, Fleischman
- So, Fleischman, I'm gonna go home now.

What? Well, I mean
- This was fabulous, Fleischman.

What are you talking about? We
didn't do anything. Yes, we did.

We did actually.
We did?

Yes. We did the most important part,
you know, the want part.

The want part? Yes. I wanted you
to want me, and you wanted me.

Yeah, but what about the rest?

The follow-through.
Consummation.

Yeah, well, I thought
I needed that, but I don't.

I don't need that. Yeah,
but I do. I need that.

Good night, Fleischman.
Thanks for making me so happy.

Oh.

Good morning, Cicely. This is Bernard
Stevens sitting in for my brother, Chris,

whose pastoral duties have kept
him away from the mike this a.m.

He's crossing his T's and dotting his I's
for his wedding homily.

You know, I've never been married,

and the thought of it
turns my knees to jelly.

And for that very reason,
I doff my proverbial hat...

to those of you courageous enough
to give it a go.

I mean,
what are man and woman...

if not members of two very different...
and warring tribes?

Yet decade after decade,
century after century,

they attempt in marriage to...
reconcile and forge a union. Why?

I don't know.

Biologic imperative?
Divine law?

Or just a desire to connect
to that mysterious other?

In any case, it's always struck me
as a hopeful thing.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Hey, I didn't think
you were gonna make it.

Fleischman. I gotta talk to you.

Where are your shoes? You think I
didn't try? It was torture for me.

Listen, when the time is right,

I want you to hand me this, okay?
Me?

Do you see anybody else here? All
right. So you're making me your best man.

No. No, you are not my best man.

You're just handing me the ring.

All right. Relax.
Come on.

We'll save one for you.
Yeah, I'll see you inside.

Everybody got their gloves?

You guys look so bitchin'.

Let me see your nails.
Good, good, good, good.

Where's the cherry-pink polish?

I don't wear nail polish,
Shelly dear.

Oh, okay.

Eve. Eve. Your bouquet.

Adam gets a load of you,
he is gonna flip out.

It's time.

Okay. Okay. This is it.
Don't be nervous.

Backs straight, boobs out,
and don't forget to smile.

Let's go out there
and kick butt.

Come on. Come on.

Smile. Smile, everybody.

Hi, babe.

Oh. What am I gonna do?

- I can't.
- What?

- I can't go through with this.
- What?

Is this dementia?
Have you lost your mind?

- I'm rich.
- What?

- I'm an heiress.
- An heiress?

Yes. I'm rich. Very, very rich.

Why didn't you tell me this
before? I didn't want you to know.

You live with me for 12 years.

I cook for you,
I give you physiotherapy,

I time your medications,
and you don't tell me you have money?

It was none of your business!
None of my business?

Why was I cursed
with a woman like you?

You're nothing but a misery.
You're a knife in my heart.

Look, let's discuss this later.
Let's just get married now.

No.
No?

If we get married,
you'll have half my money.

I don't want half your money.
Oh, sure. That's what you say now.

What do you think I am,
some kind of a gold digger?

I can't take that chance.

Excuse me.
I think I can help.

Okay. This is a standard prenup
I've used with several clients.

You just have to fill in some of the
blanks. You're not a lawyer. Is this binding?

Oh, absolutely. Dr. Fleischman
here can serve as witness.

All right, all right. Let's do
it. Wait a second. Hold on now.

Let's just lay all our cards
on the table, okay?

We know what my net worth is.
Yeah. Zippo.

Okay. Well, what is yours? I mean,
what am I signing off on here?

- Do I have to answer?
- Well, he should make an informed decision.

Twenty-two million.

Twenty-two million?

You must have suspected something.

All the Christmas gifts my father sends
- lightbulbs, automobile parts, cutlery. What do they have in common?

How should I know?
Tungsten.

My father mines tungsten ore.
He is tungsten ore.

Where do you think all the money
for the trips came from?

China, Switzerland, Senegal.

- You said that was from our frequent flier mileage.
- And you believed me?

The question is, in case of divorce,
how much does he get?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

You said you didn't want my money.

I don't. I want what's fair.
I gotta look out for my interests.

A chef only has
so many good years.

All right. 600 a month.

That's more than you're living on now.
Take it or leave it.

Oh, I see. You think you can play
on my vulnerability, huh?

You think I'll jump
at your first offer, eh?

Uh, this could take some time.

Up the faucet.
That's right.

That'll get me somethin' there.

The fish is good.

Excuse me, Bill.

Shelly?

I'm sorry, hon.

Yeah. It's a real bummer.
I wanted it to be picture-perfect.

I mean, about us.
Us?

About our not being married.
Why are you sorry about that?

Well, I know how much
holy matrimony means to you.

You said a girl spends her whole life
waiting for it.

Yeah.

I figure you got so taken up
with this wedding...

on account of I deprived you
of your own.

That's not why.
It isn't?

I'm kind of like a fan.
It's the same as hockey.

I mean, you can really
get off watching it,

but that doesn't mean
you have to play.

Oh.
Besides, babe,

you're the last guy
I'd ever wanna marry.

I am?
Yeah.

You're not the "settle down, have
rug rats" kind of guy. No way.

The only thing a chick wants
from a stud like you...

is to grab your buns and shack up
for a long, long time.

Oh.
Come here.

There you are.

Oh, don't-don't start with me,
O'Connell.

What?

I surrender.
I throw in the towel.

You win.
What-What do you mean?

Whatever it is that we've been
doing to one another,

you are clearly
the undisputed winner.

Fleischman,
you're not making any sense.

Face it. O'Connell,

we're never gonna have
a romantic relationship, okay?

We're never even gonna have
a superficial sexual relationship.

You know why?
Why?

Because neither one of us
have the slightest clue...

as to what the other person is about.

Personally, I can't begin to fathom
what goes on in your head.

Nothing you do conforms in any way to what
I recognize as rational, logical behavior.

Let's just put aside our-our fantasies
and our projections.

We'll draw a line in the sand-
you on one side, me on the other.

It doesn't mean
we have to throw stones.

We'll maintain a civil, cordial,
professional relationship.

And that's all.

- You sure?
- Did I not sound sure?

Was there anything in my manner or tone
that suggested that I wasn't sure?

No.

- What?
- I don't know. I just-

What?

You're a great kisser.

- I am?
- Mmm.

Hey, everybody.

We have a deal.

Marriage- it's a hard term to define,
especially for me.

I've ducked it like root canal.

Still, there's no denying the fact that marriage
ranks right up there with birth and death...

as one of the three biggies
in the human safari.

It's the only one, though, that we'll
celebrate with a conscious awareness.

Very few of you
remember your arrival,

and even fewer will attend
your own funeral.

You pick a society, any society-
Zuni, Ndembu, Pennsylvania Dutch.

What's the one thing that
they all have in common?

Marriage.
It's like a cultural handrail.

It- It links folks to the past
and guides them to the future.

That's not all though.

Marriage is the union
of disparate elements-

male and female, yin and yang,
proton and electron.

What are we talking about here? Nothing less
than the very tension that binds the universe.

You see, when we look at marriage, people,
we're looking at creation itself.

"I am the sky,"
says the Hindu bridegroom to the bride.

"You are the earth.
We are sky and earth united."

The ring, please, Joel.

You are my husband.
You are my wife.

My feet shall run because of you.
My feet shall dance because of you.

My heart shall beat because of you,
my eyes see because of you,

my mind think because of you,
and I shall love because of you.

Are you guys cool with that?

Then kiss.