Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Final Frontier - full transcript

So, this fella asks the farmer,

"Hey, how come your pig
has a wooden leg?"

The farmer says, "Well, see,
I fell in the pond once,

and this pig saved me from drowning."

Saved him from drowning. The fella
says, "Well, what about the wooden leg?"

"Well, '"says the farmer,
"I fell off my tractor once,

and this pig here ran for help."
I love it.

Again, the fella says,
"But what about that wooden leg?"

Holling? One second, Ed.

The farmer says, "Well, the
house caught on fire and

this pig came in there,
and he dragged me out."



Well, by now, the fella's getting
just a little bit peeved.

He says, "But what about that wooden
leg?" Oh, here it comes. Here it comes.

"Well," says the farmer,
"a pig like that,

you wouldn't wanna eat him...
not all at once."

- What is it, Ed?
- Holling, it's Jesse.

Jesse?

Yeah.

Uh, well-

Go on. Spit it out.

Holling, Jesse's dead.

Dead?

Well-

Excuse me. Who's Jesse?

Oh. He was a bear.



"We returned from the Pole
to Cape Columbia in only 16 days.

"The exhilaration of success
lent wings to our sorely battered feet,

"but Ootah had his own explanation.

"Said he," The devil is asleep
or having trouble with his wife,

or we should not have
come back so easily."'

Why the Robert Peary, you ask?
Well, we got a

bulletin here from our
friends over atJ PL.

It seems Earth's happy spacecraft,
the Voyager 1,

is now some 7.2 billion
kilometers from home.

It's passing through the heliopause.

It's zipping out of our solar system
into the bosom of the Milky Way.

Good luck and godspeed to you,
our noble emissary.

You know, that's a
trip all us earthbound

stargazers would love to take.

As a consolation prize,
the Van Allen radiation belt...

is currently presenting
the aurora borealis,

and here in Cicely, Alaska,
that's a show you won't wanna miss.

There's not a bad seat in the house.

Morning.

What the hell?

Can I help you?

Mr. Minnifield.

You people want something?

Mr. Minnifield, we are
admirers of yours. Big fans.

How's that? Are you
kidding? You're very famous.

Mercury program, "right stuff," you.

Oh. Yeah.

- Mr. Minnifield, may I, please?
- Yeah. I guess so.

Make it quick.

I can see how meeting an astronaut would
be a heady experience for you people.

Not having the wherewithal
to fund your own space program.

Hotel space is at a premium here.
Where you folks staying?

Sourdough Inn. Sourdough Inn?

No. Yeah. Sourdough Inn.

Is that the Sourdough Inn
out by Eagle Lake?

- The one that's owned by-
- Ron and Erick.

Clearly, you people have been misled.

This Ron and Erick, they're-
they're sodomites. Fairies.

- Homosexuals.
- You know about that?

Yes. Well, then, why the hell
are you staying out there?

Good value.

All right, that's it. Go on.
Get moving. Beat it.

Beat it. Go on. Move, move, move, move.

It's Jesse, all right.

The ligaments are gone.
The bones have separated.

Must have over-wintered.
Probably died last summer.

I wonder how it happened?
It wasn't hunters.

They would've taken the claws
and the skull. Good point.

The bones aren't really broken,
so it couldn't have been a moose.

The way the, uh,
these molars are worn down,

and the sutures in the skull
all grown together? Uh-huh.

Well, I'd say
just must've been old age that got him.

No.

Somehow, I always thoughtJesse'd go,
I don't know, like Butch and Sundance.

Hail of gunfire,
freeze-frame and roll the credits.

Yeah.

Ruth-Anne needs me to run
and make a delivery for her

over to old Howie Neil's.
He's laid up with phlebitis.

You go ahead, Ed.

I'd like to stay here for a while.

Okay. I'll see ya, Holling.

Hi, Ruth-Anne. Hi, Maggie.

Mail's in. Good.

Listen, do you know a McWilliams? Who?

Richard McWilliams. I don't
think so. What's the address?

Just "Richard McWilliams,
Cicely, Alaska."

How odd. Look at all that postage.

Thailand. Luxembourg.

Sierra Leone.
Wow. This box has been around.

What's D.D.R.? Deutsch Democratic
Republic. The late East Germany.

Why is it other countries' stamps
are so beautiful and ours are so blah?

Bali. I've always wanted to go to Bali.

Well, McWilliams. Who is this guy?

I don't know. But if
he wants his package,

he's gonna have to come
in here to get it.

All right. Bye.

Bye.

Caribou.

Caribou. Beef teriyaki. Thanks, and
can we have another refill for Fumio?

Okay.

Double Canadian, water back.
Heard aboutJesse.

About time someone nailed
that S.O.B. How's that?

I wish I'd had him in my sights.
So long, dude.

Pow. Pow. You ever listen to yourself?

You ever hear what comes out of
your mouth? Huh? What do you mean?

You have the gall
to talk aboutJesse? You?

You're not fit
to pick the burrs off his coat.

You're not fit to clean the
dirt under his claw. Right.

Jesse's twice the man you are,
and he's a bear.

Holling, what is the matter with you?
I don't like him calling Jesse names.

Why not?
You callJesse all kinds of names.

That's different. Different?
How's it different?

Doesn't sound any different to me.

Reminder: We'll be playing
all the late Beethoven

string quartets tonight
starting at 10:00.

Hey. We got a message for
Mr. Richard McWilliams...

from the neither-rain-nor-snow people
at the U.S. Postal Service.

Seems your well-traveled package
has arrived.

You can see postmistress
Ruth-Anne Miller to claim it.

Don't forget to bring some
photo I.D. now. Oh, look at that.

How much do you suppose
the dynamic duo's pullin' in?

Ron and Erick?
Well, they got a three-day package...

at, uh, 850 a couple.

Say, eight couples?
Turnover twice a week?

That's, uh, hold on-hold
on, let me think.

I don't know what that is.
$13,600 a week.

Whoo. That's pretty hefty, huh?

When I sold those fruits my place,
I thought I skunked 'em.

Thought they overpaid. Guess not.

Like any businessman, Chris,

I hate being bested in a deal.

But I particularly hate
being bested by fairies.

Oh, great. What now?

You have a sec, Maurice?
We'd like to talk.

You know, our guests were
absolutely thrilled to meet you.

That a fact?

Yeah, actually they used
the word kangeki,

which is hard to translate,
but it means a kind of awesome joy.

Kangeki. I suppose
you speakJapanese, huh?

Well, I'm not as fluent
as I was in the corps.

The corps?

Yeah, the Marine Corps.
I was a guard at the Tokyo embassy.

Anyway, we thought you
might enjoy coming

over tomorrow night and
giving a little talk?

You know, anecdotal stuff
about your NASA days?

TheJapanese would really
get a big kick out

of that. We'll pay you. Uh, say, $500?

Let me tell you gentlemen something.

I find it repugnant that
visitors to our shore...

have to stay in an
establishment run by a

couple of members of a
deviant subculture.

What kind of an impression do you
think that makes? All right, then, 700.

This is not about money.

Your lifestyle is a violation
of natural law. I'll have no part of it.

Am I missing something here?
750 and not a penny more.

All right, that's it.
Come on. Get out of here.

Out. All right. But if you
change your mind, you let us know.

Semper fi.

Hey, Holling. Hey, I heard aboutJesse.

You okay?

Joel, have you ever been
mauled by an animal?

Uh, no. Can't say I have.

Well, let me tell you.
Very few things in life can compare.

Yeah, well, I can imagine.

When I metJesse,
I was hunting up on Nanuk Ridge.

I'd just brought down a black-tailed
deer and started to clean it.

That's when Jesse charged.

Ten feet tall, eighteen hundred pounds,
and fast.

I didn't even have
time to fire before he

knocked the Winchester
right out of my hands.

He clamped his jaws down on my shoulder.

I heard the bones breaking.

Somehow, I managed to
grab his paw, bit his toe off.

Jesse shook me hard, then threw me down
on the ground just like a little stone.

A pebble. I tried to run.

Jesse gave me a swipe. He opened up a
two-inch gash all the way down my back.

His second swipe broke my collarbone.

Sent me over the ridge into the wash.

God!

I started crawling.
I made it back five miles...

with my broken body to the camp.

And the one thing
that kept me going, Joel-

the one thing that sustained me
through that long night-

was the thought that one day...

I'd come back and kill that bear.

Even since then,
I knew thatJesse was out there...

waiting for me.

And now...

he's gone.

"I made you, paddle person,
because I had a dream.

"A little wooden man smiled at me.

"He sat in a canoe on a snowbank
on this hill.

"Now the dream has begun to come true.

"The sun spirit will look down at
the snow, and the snow will melt,

"and the water will run downhill to the
river, on down to the Great Lakes.

"Down again, on at last to the sea.

"You will go on with the
water, and you will

have adventures that I
would like to have.

But I cannot go with
you because I have to

stay and help my father with the traps."

That's Paddle-to-the-Sea, folks.
The story of a little Indian boy...

who sends a toy canoe on a journey
that he himself is too young to take.

We do the same thing, you know?
Pioneer, Voyager, Galileo.

Our standard-bearers in
the eternal human crusade: exploration.

And now we've hit the cosmic trail.

Why? Well, because Earth's played out.

You know, less than a hundred years ago,

Amundsen could've been the
first human being to reach

the South Pole, Falcon Scott
could've died trying.

And now-Well, last year,
China had to close down Mount Everest.

Too much litter.
The world's become a fragile place.

It's not to be conquered,
it's to be protected,

coddled, nursed, like a little baby.

What do we do now? We launch our
surrogates into interstellar space,

dreaming of that one fine day
when we ourselves can go.

Okay. I'd say it weighs
about two to three pounds.

There's definitely some stuff inside.
Very strange.

Chess pieces? Seashells.

- May I?
- Sure.

I know this sound.

- I've heard it before.
- What?

Tackle box. Fishing tackle.

Really? N-Now, see, I was almost sure
there was something wooden in here.

You know, this reminds me
of Carl Norell.

One summer when he was
digging postholes and

he hit something hard,
thought it was a rock?

Well, it wasn't. It was a strongbox...

that somebody had buried
years and years ago. Really?

Wow. One hit with a sledgehammer,
and the lock snapped off.

- And what was inside?
- Dimes.

Rolls and rolls of Liberty Head dimes.

Hmm. Wow. Very exciting.

Sure changed Carl's life. He quit his
job, left his wife and moved to Denver.

Wow. That's interesting.

Holling, now, don't go nuclear.

Ed and Milt and the guys
worked real hard. What?

Good Lord. Jesse?

Yeah, um,

well, you know, Holling, you
said that one day, well,

you'd bring back Jesse's
head and hang it in the bar.

And, well, this way you've got
his head and his claws...

and, well, his everything.
The guys, they

all got together and broughtJesse here.

Just for you.
You know, we all felt really bad...

'cause you didn't get to
killJesse yourself and, well, so-

It was really sweet of'em, huh, babe?

Holling? Hmm?

I said it was really sweet of'em.

Yes, it was. Do-Do you like it, Holling?

Very much, Ed.

He looks kind of like
a big man, doesn't he?

Yes, he does. ButJesse was a bear.

Do-Do you think he'd go over better
by the cigarette machine?

Okay. All right.

No, Holling.
I mean, only if you want him too.

I think it's fine right here.

Well, that's where he'll stay then.

Yeah.

Hey.! Mr. Minnifield.

- What do you people think you're doing?
- Sightseeing. Your house.

Watch where you step.
I got tulips coming in there.

She says your house looks
much bigger than it did in H.G.

- H.G.?
- House and Garden, June '89.

Oh. You saw that, huh?

That must've been before
you added the porch.

Yeah, that's right.

Ah, you were going to go
Gothic Revival in the study.

Oh, well, I decided to
mix it up a little bit.

I've got a little bit of Edwardian
in there, touch of Regency.

Ah.

Hey. You can come inside.
I'll give you a nickel tour.

Really?

Well, nothing elaborate.
Just a walk-through.

Come on in. Don't touch anything.
Be sure and wipe your feet.

Where is he, Marilyn? In there.

Hey, Fleischman. Hey,
O'Connell. What's up?

I need an X-ray. What? What happened?

Well, I'm fine. It's for this.

That? Mm-hmm.

I'm a physician, O'Connell. I treat
people here. I'm afraid that's a box.

I know. But I need to know
what's inside.

- O'Connell, that's somebody's mail.
- Exactly.

You want me to tamper with the
mail? Well, it's not tampering.

Not technically. Yeah, it is.
You're asking me to commit a felony.

Fleischman, this box. Look at it.
It's circled the globe for four years.

I would think there'd be
a statute of limitations.

O'Connell, I'm just gonna pretend
this conversation never took place.

Fleischman, all I'm asking for
is an X-ray.

A tiny, little, harmless,
noninvasive peek inside.

Forget it. No.

How can you look at this
box and not be the least

bit curious? Look at this.
Look at these postmarks.

Look at this. This is from Suva.
This box has been

to Suva. I've never even
heard of Suva, have you?

Look, O'Connell, the box doesn't
belong to me. You understand that?

Are you telling me you've
never gone into someone's

bathroom and peeked inside
the medicine cabinet?

Never poked your hand through somebody's

drawer? Never read your
girlfriend's diary?

Huh? Never?

Well?

Absolutely not, and I'm
not doing it, all right?

Why did I come? I should've known.

Fleischman, you are just not human.
Humans have inquiring minds.

I mean, a thirst to know. You are just
a thing. A rock, a shoe, a two-by-four.

A person with absolutely
no imagination and curiosity.

The, um, challenge in redecorating
this place was to bring into harmony...

the Alaskan landscape
and the Victorian furnishings.

Actually, the two elements
combine quite nicely.

Harmony.

Is the eagle new? Oh, yes. I
put in this bannister last year.

Oh, here's something
that really should interest you.

This suit of armor was
presented to me by

the Emperor Hirohito,
may he rest in peace.

It's the late Edo period, made by
the master armorer, Muneyasu.

Note the intricate design on
the Mogamido.

I would like to take this opportunity to

tell you that I admire
theJapanese people.

You have a very strong
sense of culture and

a very distinguished military tradition.

But, I do think it's time that you
opened your markets to foreign trade.

- Who is this?
- Oh, that's my son, Duk Won.

- Your son?
- Yes.

- He's Korean?
- Yes, he's Korean.

I know how you people feel about
Koreans. You treat them like criminals.

But this boy is my flesh and blood.

If you have a problem with
that, I'll be glad to

oblige you by inviting
the lot of you outside.

- Apologies.
- Accepted.

Now, let's go into the den.
I'll show you my rogues' gallery.

I've got Shepard, Grissom,
all of'em back there.

Mr. Minnifield, thank you.

You're welcome. It's too bad
you aren't coming to talk for us.

You are... a true flyboy. Flyboy.

Well, let's, uh, go on back there.

Babe? Shelly, you're up early.

You going somewhere?
Just for a couple of days.

By yourself? I'm afraid so.

You see, Shel, I've been
feeling, well, like

I've had the pins knocked
out from under me.

But now I realize what it is.
I've got to find Jesse.

Jesse? Jesse the bear? Uh-huh.

But this is Jesse. No. No, it isn't.

It isn't? You see, Shel, that might
look likeJesse, but it's not him.

Really? Huh.

Then who's he?

It's nobody. It's just a pile of bones.

Oh. Then where is Jesse?

He's in the Widowmaker cave.
The Widowmaker?

Uh-huh.

But nobody's ever made it from one
end of the Widowmaker to the other.

Nobody's even sure there are two ends.
I guess I'll just have to find out.

Well, maybeJesse's just
over by the lake or in the woods.

No. NotJesse.

Holling, I don't get this.
I don't get it at all.

You're starting to scare me.

Shelly, I love you more than
anything else in the world,

but this is something...

that I've just got to do
by myself, for myself...

all alone.

Okay.

"The lower half of the falls was hidden
in mist with a rainbow across it.

"Paddle fell through the rainbow
and went on falling.

"Paddle had ridden rapids.
He had ridden the mad river...

"and seen the rapids at the Soo
so big the ships went around them.

"But these rapids-Thirty-foot waves
rushed like shooting stars,

"turning inside and out at everyjump.

"Paddle flew up on a
chain of wet volcanoes

and plunged deep in submarine dives...

and took sudden trips toward
the moon in green rockets."

There's probably a lot of
folks out there, saying,

"Man, I'm never gonna
have me a rush like that.

Earth's a parking lot
and outer space is just too pricey."

Let me tell you something.
There's lots of ways to blaze a trail.

I always think back to
those unsung heroes of the past,

like that prehistoric
gourmet who looked at

that lobster and said,
"I'm gonna eat that."

Or the first healer who picked up a
knife and said, "Let's operate, boys."

You see, adventures come
in all kinds of shapes and sizes.

Like getting your hair cut.
Falling in love.

Even getting behind the
wheel and backing out of

the driveway can be a
sublime act of faith...

as well as a monumental act of courage.

Okay, you know, that looks like a-

Oh, a what?

Starfish. Pin cushion.

A cookie-cutter. Turn to
the light a little bit, Ed.

Perfect. Okay, let's see.

Aha. "Aha" what?

Christmas tree ornaments.

Hi, Dr. Fleischman. How're you doing?

Can I help you, Dr. Fleischman?
Yeah, um,

I need some batteries. Some double A's.

They're over there next to the
dog food. Where'd you get that?

Not that it's any of your
business, but you're not

the only one with an
X-ray machine in Alaska.

The head of security at Sitka Airport
happens to be a friend of mine.

Here you go. That kind of
looks like a garlic press.

- Garlic press?
- Why not?

Clearly, X-ray diagnosis
is not your forte, O'Connell.

Really? Not that it should be.

I've known second-year residents
who've read chest X-rays

who thought that a scapula
was a pathologic process.

Okay, Doctor. Why don't
you tell us what's inside?

Well, not that I approve of this,

but, uh,
in the interest of science, may I?

Um, I take it this is the coronal view?
From the top?

Uh-huh. Did you also get a lateral
view and a posterior-anterior?

No. Okay, um, the problem here is
the view is obscured by, um,

what I assume is packing material,
foam, maybe excelsior.

And the objects, as you can see,
they overlap each other.

- They vary significantly in density.
- Wow.

Now, in terms of your
garlic press, I would say

it's made of wood and it
could be, uh, castanets.

- Oh.
- Castanets?

Well, it's an educated guess, O'Connell.

Now, in terms of these
other masses, I would

just be, uh - I'd be
shooting in the dark.

Thanks, Fleischman.
You've been a big help.

Well, they're obviously
made of some soft material,

so you'll never get a
decent image with X-ray.

What you need is a C.T. scan, or-

- Or what?
- Open it.

Open it?

Of course, I'm categorically
opposed to that.

However, it's the only way
you'll be absolutely,

unequivocally certain
about what's inside.

But you never heard that from me.

Ruth-Anne?

Well, I'll have to get
a consensus on that.

I'll call a town meeting. Hmm.

Good evening, Maurice. Evening.

Come on in.

I see you've done
some work on the place.

Oh, yeah. We were down to the studs.

A new floor, I see.

Well, we were going to
refinish the parquet, but,

uh, the dry rot was so
bad, we had to replace it.

That's what you get
when you buy an older house.

Look at the detailing though.

You don't find
molding like this anymore.

That wasn't here. No?

We put that in. Oh.

Shall we?

Hungry? The maguro is
very fresh. No. Thank you.

We focused a lot of attention on
creating an authentic performance space.

This is no Kabuki-za,
but I think it does

all right for a solo. Do you know this?

Now, you spent time in the Orient,
Maurice. Did you pick up anyJapanese?

Um, a little. Yeah. Well, it
would loosely translate as,

"The gorgeously dressed maiden
at the dojo temple." Oh. Yeah.

Next month, we're gonna book
some Kodo drummers.

Come on, Maurice. Have a seat with us.

Good evening. Hi, Maurice. Glad
you could make it. Have a seat.

You know, everybody's really
looking forward to your talk tonight.

Saki?

Yeah. Please.
Quite an operation you got here.

Well, we were pretty leveraged
the first couple of months, but, uh,

Erick was convinced as
long as we concentrated

on theJapanese market,
things would pan out.

His projections proved to be
right on the money.

Tell you, Maurice, there's
really no mystery to it.

You see, they come up here
for the aurora borealis.

But they could get that in other
northern latitudes-Norway and Canada.

So we had to do something
that made us really special.

Accommodations that really set us apart.

Kampai. Kampai.

Yeah.

Hey.! Hey, hey.! Shh.! Shush.!

Since Maurice couldn't be here,
and the mayor's out of town,

and the former mayor's
off doing some guy

thing, which he better
not ding himself doing,

me, being the former
mayor's almost-wife,

was asked to honcho this get-together.

Thank you.

Uh, so, without further ado,
I'd like to-Ruth-Anne.

I asked for this meeting
so we could collectively

decide whether or not
to open that package.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I
would like to know if

we actually have the
authority to do that.

Authority? Yes.

Technically, no, Joel.

Well, I would like to
go on record with that.

According to postal regulations, if an
item remains unclaimed for 15 days,

then it's sent to
the Dead Parcel Branch in San Francisco.

Then what?

It's opened, uh, by
authorized personnel.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So, this
package is going to be opened anyway?

- Well, yeah. Sure.
- Listen.

Now, I know I was the one who
put forth the original idea

of opening the package, but I
was speaking hypothetically.

Theoretically.

Okay, okay. Okay, Fleischman. You're
on the record. You're off the hook.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't
believe in blind obedience to the law.

In my time I've ignored stop signs. I've

jaywalked. I've had open
fires on Jones Beach,

but this-this is the U.S. mail.

Since I was old enough to lick
a stamp I was taught that it's

a sin to so much as hold someone's
letter up to the light.

I was inculcated with the sanctity,
the inviolability of the mail.

- Way to go, little buddy. Give it up.
- Hear! Hear!

What? Joel's got a point here.

Those postmarks are just a little bit
more than bureaucratic hieroglyphics.

- That's a symbol of a sacred trust.
- Yes.

That package has been anointed
and sealed. It's like

King Tut's tomb. We open
it at great personal risk.

Marilyn.

- I'll take that risk.
- Me too.

- Way to go. Right on.
- "Right on"?

It's the other side of the coin, Joel.

The-The bane and blessing
of human nature.

Hmm? That old cat killer, curiosity?

Yeah? Something so deeply embedded
in our psyches...

that it screams to us
from ancient myths of-of...

Pandora, Eve, Lot's wife.

Eve lost paradise. Lot's wife
was turned into a pillar of salt.

Hey, knowledge doesn't
come cheap, my friend.

Good or bad, curiosity is woven into
our D.N.A. like-

like tonsils
or like the opposable thumb.

It's the fire under the ass
of the human experience.

- Some people look at this box,
they see a box.

You know what I see?
The spice route to India.

The gateway to the Nile.
I see the dark side of the moon.

Terra incognita. I see Alaska, people.

What do you say, huh?
Let's be a little human.

We all had to put in our time.
Fifty hours on the wheel.

Now, the wheel was a 50-foot arm
with a gondola at one end...

and 180 tons and 4,000 horses
in motor at the other.

Now, going full tilt,
it'd gut-punch you with eight G's.

I remember one time, late
afternoon, Gordon and I were

walking down the hall, and
we heard the thing running.

We walked in,
and the thing was spinning like hell.

Now, nobody was scheduled
to be taking a ride that

day, so we wondered who
in the hell was in it.

And then the thing shut down
and just kind of whined to a stop.

Well, we looked in the gondola,
and who do you think we saw?

Nobody. Not a soul.

The only thing we saw was a cocktail
shaker with the lid duct-taped on...

and a note from Shepard
saying, "Cheers."

It was the best damn martini I ever had.

Now, I'm sure that
you folks know that, uh,

us flyboys had a problem with
the basic design of the Mercury capsule.

- The engineers forgot
to include a window.

- Yeah, yeah. That's right
A window.

Now, uh, computer navigation and auto
pilots were in their infancy then.

We were not gonna fly blind,

but, uh, the eggheads just
wouldn't hear us through.

Wait. Wait. Where'd you learn your
manners? I'm not finished here yet.

Anyway, uh, one evening
we all got together and, uh,

got some chisels and saws...

and snuck down to where
the mock-up was, and, uh,

and we cut a window in the damn door!

Hey, where in the hell
do you people think you're going?

- Hey!
- Thanks. See you later.

I'm sorry, Maurice. We
really should apologize.

Well, I'd say so.

Well, it's just that, uh, Tsutomu
ran long, and you got a late start.

What's that got to do with anything?
The aurora

borealis becomes very
visible about 10:30.

So? That's why they come.

What, to look at the aurora borealis?

Well, not to look at it, no.
To copulate under it.

What? It's Japanese folk wisdom.

If you consummate your
marriage under the

northern lights, you will
have a gifted child.

Are you saying that they, uh,
they're off having sexual intercourse?

We assumed you knew.

- Right now they're upstairs-
- Pumping like pistons.

Making the beast with two backs.

Want some cognac?

- Is it almost time?
- Okay. It's 9:00.

It's showtime. It's your
package, Maggie. You open it.

- Hey, wait up.
- Oh, well, if it isn't the waffler.

All right, now, look, everybody.
I wanna remain

crystal clear on this.
Opening that is wrong.

It's a terrible thing. But as long
as you're going through with it.

Okay. I don't wanna rip it.

Are we ready?

Wow. What is all this stuff?

Oh, look. A conch shell.

- Wow.
- A mask.

Hey, look. I Ching coins. Castanets.

Castanets. I told you.

Boomerang from Australia.

- Look.
- Sunglasses.

Hey, look. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I got a note here. I think.

"June 8, 1988." Here.

"Hi. My name is Richard McWilliams,
and I'm eight years old. Eight.

"School just got out.
Mom, Dad, Pam and me

are going on a vacation
to Lake Minnewaska.

"I wanted to go to
Antarctica or Brazil, but

Mom says we don't have
the time or money,

"and besides, you have to get shots.

"Grown-ups are lucky because they get
to go wherever they want. Kids don't.

"That's how come I got the idea
to send this box.

"I hope it goes to all the places
I want to go.

"Please put something
from your town inside

the box and send it someplace far away.

"Maybe it'll go around the world.

Sincerely, your friend,
Richard McWilliams.

P.S. My mom helped me write this."

Oh. Sweet.

Well, let's see what else is in here.
Look.

- Morning.
- Hey, Maurice.

I've been, uh,
thinking about last night.

I'm sorry. We should've warned you. I
guess that could really throw a person.

Yeah. All that coitus taking place under
one roof is a little disconcerting.

But I've gotta tell ya. I applaud
those people. You know why?

Because they traveled all this way
and paid you boys top dollar...

to procreate under our northern skies.

And they did it
just to improve the next generation.

Those people have vision.

They, uh, can put aside...

their own petty, little concerns
in favor of the future.

If some of our G.M. executives had been
conceived under the aurora borealis,

we wouldn't be
in the mess we're in today.

Anyway, you fellas have foresight too.
You did

your homework, stayed
true to your vision.

Even though I despise your lifestyle
and everything you stand for,

I have to give you credit.

Thank you, Maurice. Yeah. Thanks.

How about The Magnificent Seven?

It's a good movie, Ed,
but how does it represent us?

Ruth-Anne, small,
tight-knit, rural community.

I see. Anybody else?

Dried mushrooms? Morels?

- From my yard.
- They might be classified as produce.

There could be problems
getting them through

customs. Should we reconsider the moose?

No moose. No moose. Wait a minute.
What about the willow ptarmigan plate?

How about this? What
is that, a fountain pen?

Thermometer. Now, it's been in
the mouth of everybody in town, so?

I like it. Me too.

Okay. Great. We're set.

All right.

There it goes.

Now, where should we send it?

Ed, would you care to
do the honors? Okay.

Where is it? Barwana, India.

Sounds good. Barwana, India.

- Excellent choice, Ed.
- Thanks.

Wow. India.

Shelly. Hmm?

That's a mustard bottle. Oh.

Go upstairs and lay down.
I'll take care of things.

- No, it's okay.
- I wanna stay here in case-

Oh, my God. Shelly.

Holling.

Oh! Easy, hon.

I'm-I'm just a tad sore.

Well, look at you.
You're totally trashed.

Yeah. Oh, Holling, I
never should've let you go.

You could've bought the farm.
That's right.

What are you so stoked about?

Shelly, it's been a long time
since I've walked in harm's way.

Since one single false step could
lead to a crippling injury or death.

I'd forgotten how good it feels.

Did you bonk your head? Several times.

I'm gonna call Dr. Fleischman.
I want him to come take a look at you.

Shelly, I'll go seeJoel
if you want me to, but not just yet.

Shelly, I found him. Jesse?

Mm-hmm. He's still out there.

In the Widowmaker cave?
Yes. Jesse's in the cave.

He's also high on the mountaintop
and deep under the ocean...

and way out there in outer space.

Boy, oh, boy, he sure
gets around. Yes, he does.

No telling where you'll find Jesse.
In the closet.

The dark at the top of the stairs.
Under the bed.

He's always somewhere.

All we've got to do is gird our loins
and go out there looking for him.

I'll go get cleaned up.

Pull some oxtails out of the freezer.

I'm gonna cook up some barley soup
for the lunch special.

"For that instant, he looked like
his own paddle.

"There was a song in his heart.
It crept to his

lips, but only the water
and the wind could hear.

"You little traveler, you made
thejourney. The long journey.

"You now know things I have yet to know,
you little traveler.

"You were given a name,
a true name in my father's lodge.

"Good medicine, little traveler.
You are truly a paddle person.

A paddle to the sea."

There you have it, folks.

I'd like to play this song
for Richard McWilliams...

and for the curious child
who lives in each and every one of us.

Well, that's it then.

You were a bear.
You were a great big bear.

You were wild and you were free.

Godspeed, Jesse.