Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 3, Episode 2 - Only You - full transcript

Steak? Yeah, steak.

Thick, well-marbled, loaded with fat,
cholesterol, red dye number five. You?

Spaghetts. Spaghetti?

Yeah, man. Al dente. A nice
pesto. Good morning, Chris.

Come on, Chris. Not when you're really

hungry. No, when you
haven't eaten for days,

you want flesh - flesh dripping
in its own juices. Hi, Chris.

Something with sinews. Something
you have to tear with your teeth.

Chris. Hi.

When you're really hungry, that's
too much work. Who wants to-

Hi. Hi. Who wants to
do all that chewing?



Chewing's the best part. Mastication is

integral to the whole desire.
Hello, Chris.

Mandibles moving like pistons,
triggering saliva.

I think the basic craving is get that
belly full quickly as possible. Hi.

You know, chewing just takes
too much time. Hi. How you doin'?

Now, you get a nice, big
mouth full of spaghetts, right?

It just goes down like- Hi there.

Hi. Good to see you
oysters or maybe some ice cream.

You know, none of that
jaw syndrome thing happening.

What? T.M.J.? Yeah, right.
Now, chili-Chili's really good-

Hi. Hi, darling. How are you?

As long as there's not too
many beans in it. Too many

beans, you're in the realm
of a vegetable side dish.

Or, you know- Hold it. Hold it.



Are we walking down the street
discussing food,

and are not women, several-
no, numerous women-smiling at you,

shamelessly greeting you, almost
practically coming on to you? Yeah.

Oh, okay. Okay. I get it.

What? It's funny. Very funny.

What? The gag.

Women fawning, googly-eyes.
You play dumb. It's very funny.

Hi. Excuse me, Chris. Would you mind?

No, no. Not at all.

No- "N. '"

"M. '" "M. '" Definitely an "M. '"

You know, you really should
change this typeface.

People must complain. Don't they?

I mean, this was
much thicker... or something.

Well, not that I can't read it. Um-

It's a- "N."

"N." Definitely an "N."

"Z." "Z" maybe?

Wait a minute. You can't possibly think
there's something wrong with my eyes...

just because I couldn't read that.

It's nothing serious.

Well, what do you mean nothing
serious? Just a little farsightedness.

You've probably noticed it yourself.

The newspaper's starting
to look blurred.

Maybe you've been finding yourself
holding books at arm's length.

Well, yeah. But so what?

I mean, I find it uncomfortable to read
a book jammed right underneath my face.

Right. Well, it sounds
to me like presbyopia.

Press by what? "Opia," for
sight. "Presby" for old.

When you're young, the lens
in your eyes got enough flexibility...

to change its curve
based on what you see.

But as you get older,
that flexibility starts going.

By the time you're middle-aged-
Middle-aged?

Middle-Middle-aged?
Y-You think I'm middle-aged?

I don't- Do I look like middle-aged?

What I meant was, presbyopia is not
uncommon in someone in their early 30s.

30s? I am not in my 30s.
I'm nowhere near 30.

I'm 29.

Your testosterone level's
a little on the high side,

but it's still in the normal range.

Yeah? I don't think it's a hormone. No?

No, my dad always said
it was more like a smell.

A smell? Like an aroma?

Yeah. A smell like Like what?

Like aftershave? Like incense?

Yeah.

I don't smell anything.
Well, you wouldn't.

Why's that? You're not a woman.

I mean, there have been a few men
that could smell me.

Comes a pretty big shock
to 'em too, especially if they...

haven't come to terms
with their feminine side.

- But mainly it's women.
- Mainly women.

What women?
Your basic cross section of humanity?

Rich, poor, young, old,
Jewish, gentile, black, white?

Yeah. All types.

Wait a minute. You're telling
me if my grandmother

walked through this door,
she would lust after you?

Naomi Fleischman of Brooklyn Heights
would lust after you?

Well, Joel, it's not as simple
as lust. I mean-

Somebody like your gram-I don't know.
It's hard to say, not knowing her,

but she'd probably experience
something along the lines of...

an overwhelming need to pinch
my cheeks, uh, knit me a sweater.

Whip you up a batch of hamantaschen.

If that's something
she's inclined to do, yeah.

I mean, desire's a pretty
individual phenomenon.

So you're saying
this smell that causes...

all women to desire you
in their own unique way, travels?

How far? A few feet?

A mile? Ten miles?

We could get tour buses from Idaho?

Wow, I don't know.

I never got anybody
out of the metropolitan area before.

Except that time I was in St. Louis, but
that's practically in Illinois anyway.

- That time? Which time?
- Had it a couple times since puberty.

The last episode was pretty bad.

- Bad? What?
- File.

I kinda let things get out ofhand.

I mean, let's face it,
with something like

this, you got a real
tendency to overindulge.

Sure, a room full of naked
18-year-olds is great.

But you get a bunch of teenagers
missing a night or two of sleep-

fuses start to get short.

You got disputes over whose turn's next,

um, unpleasant things are said.

Pretty soon,
everything reaches critical mass.

I think I learned a lesson or two.

How's-How's that?

Aurea mediocritas.
Everything in moderation.

I stay clear of friends
and married women.

What?

Marilyn.!

Now that's-that's too much, Maurice.

How so?
Well, you don't look quite sincere.

Oh. Well, how 'bout this?

Friendlier. Like you're
welcoming me into your home.

Yeah.! Where's this gonna hang anyway?

Houston. Space Center.
They've got a gallery where they...

pin up all the guys
that took the big ride.

Most of those other fellows
are a little long in the tooth...

and a little... thick across
the gut to go Thinsulate.

But I'll tell you - I feel
like a C.E.O. gettin'

ready for a quarterly
report wearin' this getup.

You look terrific. Reassuring. Strong.

Presidential. Yeah. I suppose so.

I really appreciate you doing
this, Holling. I really do.

Oh, it's my pleasure, Maurice.
My pleasure.

Hey, that's good. That's a nice smile.

Okay, here's your order.

Three burgers, two with
cheese, one with salsa.

What's the damage? On the house, Chris.

You smell bitchin'. Well, thanks, Shel.

Let's go, girls. Ruth-Anne,
I probably can't

make it till a little
past 10:00 tonight,

if that's okay with you. No problem.

I kinda overbooked.
I'll see you later everybody.

Chris is coming to your place tonight?

Yes. And the two of you-
You and Chris are going to-

Have a late supper, Joel.

Do you believe this?

Have you ever seen a man with
this kind of incredible,

irresistible magnetism
to the opposite sex?

- James Bond.
- That's the movies, Ed. Try reality.

No, thanks.

Oh, not you too, O'Connell.

Not me too, what?
You're looking for Chris, right?

No, Fleischman, I'm looking for you.

Listen - Do you know
anything about something

called "presby" something or another.

"Old eyes." Ever heard of it?

Presbyopia. Farsightedness. Right.

Is there anything you can do about it?

Like what? I don't know.
Like diet, exercise?

That's an interesting
concept, O'Connell.

A weight loss program
for farsightedness.

Afraid not. It's just part
of the normal aging process. Why?

No reason. A friend, uh,
wants to know. That's all.

Well, tell her presbyopia
is nothing to worry about.

No? It's just, you know, a warning sign.

A harbinger, if you will.
Harbinger? Of what?

Of the inevitable downhill slide.

Old age. The eyes go first.

Then the claims of gravity set in
with a fold under the eyes,

a roll beneath the chin,
wattles, cellulite.

The breasts, the buttocks go.
Next thing you know,

you look in the mirror,
you see a basset hound.

Your friend's how old?
Forty-five? Fifty?

What? You want me to talk to her?

Uh, listen, before we
get started, we, uh-

we might wanna set some ground rules.

Nothing personal or anything, it's just-

You know, to be up front.
You're busy. I'm very busy.

I think if you just summon
up a little willpower,

we'll get through this
thing together, alone.

Okay.

And I think it's probably
better if you don't

touch me too, because
once you do, well-

I know you probably mean well.
It's just gonna be hard

for you to keep things from
getting out of control.

You don't want me to touch you?

Well, believe me, it's for the best.

I mean, you know, it's
a perfectly normal

urge. So, you know,
don't be embarrassed.

Okay.

You know, it just means you're a woman.
A normal woman, that's all.

You don't have to read
anything into that.

Look into the light.

Uh-uh. No touching. Please.

Man, you're sneaky.

How you doing?

Fine. You? Good.

Just take shallow breaths.
You gotta be careful

not to suck me too
deep into your lungs.

I'll try to remember that.

You sure you're okay? Yeah.

Hmm.

- Where is he?
- Who?

- Well, hello, Maurice.
- You couldn't resist, could you?

What are you talking about?
I'm talking about trust, Holling.

I'm talking about betrayal.
I'm talking about this!

You think that's funny, don't you?

I bet you sat at home all night,
holding your sides laughing at me.

Go ahead. Put it up on
your dartboard back there.

You don't like this picture?

Do you think that's what I look like?
Is that what

you think of when you think
of Maurice Minnifield?

But I thought you - You thought
I'd enjoy being made a fool of?

No. I should've known.
I should've remembered.

I let my guard down. Maurice-

You have this twisted desire, this-

this need to destroy any
happiness that you find, don't you?

Maurice- Shelly wasn't enough.

Shelly? No, you stuck the knife
in, and then you had to twist it.

What's Shelly got to do with this?
I haven't

forgotten that you
stole Shelly from me.

I did not steal Shelly from you.

If you're gonna give me
that old line about how she

came to you, forget about it.
Save your breath.

Nobody's buying that, least of all me!

Sniff. How does that scent
make you feel?

Any particular response? Smells okay.

And- That's all.

Okay. Good.

That was English Leather.

And this?

Does this make you want to do anything?

What? Eat.

Eat? Herring.

Herring? That was Brut.

And... how about this?

What? That's him.

Incredible.

Marilyn, how are you? Hello, Holling.

- Hi, Holling. Anything wrong?
- No.

Just one of those things
where you think one thing...

and someone else thinks something else,

and before you know it,
your whole world is shot to hell.

And you don't know what to
think. Oh, I see. I think.

Take a look at that.

Well, Joel? Well what?

In your honest opinion, Joel,
is that a good picture?

Oh, I don't know, Holling.

Good is a relative concept, and then
you have to take in account the subject.

I don't know if there really could be
a good picture of Maurice.

- Would you say you've seen better?
- The one he has in the den with L.B.J.

I'd say that's pretty fair.

What?

He thinks I made him look like a fool.

Oh. Well, you know,

I don't think we always look
the way we think we look to others.

Joel, I never intended to make
Maurice look bad. Of course not.

- And Shelly was the same way.
- What way?

He says I stole her. Stole my best

friend's girl. He says
I'd do that to him.

You did.

- Well, didn't you?
- No. No!

Oh, I admit I was smitten with Shelly...

from the very first moment
I laid eyes on her,

but I swear to God,
Joel, I never did what he says.

Holling, really,
you don't have to explain.

Joel, I remember every detail
of the day he brought Shelly to Cicely.

Holling, it's none of my business.

It was a Tuesday.
I had a good lunch crowd.

Ran out of the salmon loaf.

Maurice came into the bar,

and behind him, there she was-

the most beautiful
young lady I'd ever seen.

There was a kind of
electricity in the air.

My heart was pounding.

Of course, I made every effort
to hide my feelings,

but I could feel her gaze.

Maurice was strutting like the king
of the roost, and who could blame him?

I guess Shelly had a headache
from the drive.

She was trying to open
a bottle of aspirin.

If only Shelly had asked
Maurice to open that bottle.

But she didn't. She asked me.

And from that moment on,
I was a lost man.

A lost man.

And the happiest man
on the face of the Earth.

Yeah? Who is it?

It's me. Joel. You alone?

Yeah. You got a minute?

Sorry about that.

Hey, I got some wonderful news.
Yeah, what?

I called a colleague
at Beth Zion, one of

the best E.N.T. men on the East Coast.

Board certified. On the faculty
of Harvard Medical School.

Really. A leading light in his field.

He confirmed to me that what you are

experiencing is, in fact,
actually happening.

He thinks it may be
your pheromones. My what?

Pheromones. Chemical substances,
that when discharged,

act like a triggering
device that prompts

specific behavioral responses. Huh.

Although your case is extreme,
there've been precedents to support it.

Yeah. There was this man, uh, Curtis,

who was profiled in
the Nasopharyngeal Review.

He could identify by smell the presence
of sulfur dioxide in the air...

in quantities as minute
as.6 parts per million.

- Really?
- Yeah. In the realm of the senses,

there's been lots of bizarre
phenomena documented-

blind people whose touch is so
sensitive, they can read typeface.

Not braille. Actual typeface
off the written page.

Wine connoisseurs who can tell you
the composition of the soil...

in which a particular grape grew.

We now know humans can
hear sounds transmitted at

frequencies once thought too
high for human behavior.

Wow. All right. Here's
what I need to do.

I need to take some samples,
run a test, build a case history.

I'm gonna answer this
medical conundrum.

Good. All right.

First thing we need to do,
we need to examine your family tree,

catalog any common traits
in the males where

there might be any unusual
pheromone secretions.

- Common traits?
- You know, genealogical patterns.

Oh, right, right, right. Well, you know,
Joel, most of us did time in the joint.

Interesting. Anything else?

- Uh, what else? Pretty heavy drinkers.
- Alcoholism?

Yeah, you could say that. Look, Joel,
you think we could finish this up later?

'Cause I gotta go see Irene,
the eye doctor. Oh, sure.

Would you distract the women?
'Cause I'll

be okay if I can make the tree line.

No, look, I'll just make a run
for it. I'll see you later, okay?

Hello, Maggie. Can you read this?

"Bert Sinclair plans
a quiet Thanksgiving this year."

Wait. You can't possibly read this.

"Bert, PattyJo, Kelly and PattyJoJr.
with their 12-pound turkey."

Why? Can't you?

Well, of course I can. I'm only 29.

Why couldn't I?

Did I say something wrong?

No. Of course not.
You didn't say anything wrong.

It doesn't matter to me how old
people think I am. It doesn't. Doesn't.

I don't understood why people
are so sensitive about their age.

It's a natural process. There's
absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Absolutely nothing.

Blur five.

Or blur six?

Uh, Dr. Rondenet. Yes?

I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm with a patient.

Right. I'm sorry.

Would you mind?
This'll just take one second.

Do you, by chance,
have a sense of smell?

A sense of smell?

Yes.

Right, right. Of course.

I'm sorry, sir.

Was that blur five? Look,
are you sure about the smell?

Just one second. Maybe you assume
you do because everybody does.

But really you don't. You never noticed

before because, not
having a sense of smell,

you didn't know what one was,
so you couldn't conceive it, right?

No. I know what smell is.

- You do?
- Yes.

Look, would you just
do me one small favor?

I am really sorry.

Would you just smell me?

Just please? Inhale me deeply.

What do you smell?

Well-Soap.

Soap.

Just one more question, mister,
then I'm out of here.

You're telling me you can
resist me, physically, sexually?

Yes.

That's great. That's- That's wonderful.

I'm sorry, sir.
Good luck with your eye test.

All right.

Hold on. Yeah, yeah.

How can you sleep, Fleischman?

What? It-It's 3:00 in the morning.

I thought we were friends.
How could you do it?

Do it? Do what?

Talk to Holling!

I talked to Holling because
he came to my office.

And you just couldn't say no, huh?
You had to see him.

You didn't think for a minute
how it might make me feel.

Let me give you a flash,
Fleischman. I have feelings!

Okay. You have feelings.
It's 3:00 in the morning.

Sure, I keep 'em under wraps.
I keep 'em hidden. I play the big guy.

Maurice the rock. Maurice the tree.

Well, let me tell you something,
Fleischman. I am a human being.

If you stab me with a shiv,
I bleed just like the next guy.

You're saying all this
because I talked to Holling?

Did you see that photograph?

There's nothing wrong
with that portrait,

Maurice. Nothing that
nature didn't intend.

- You think I look like that?
- More or less, yeah.

Come on, Maurice. What was I supposed
to do, throw him out of the office?

I guess he told you that story
about Shelly too.

About how she came
into the bar one night

and said, "I'm yours if you want me."

No, not exactly.
Well, that's bull, Fleischman.

He was after her from the beginning.

Yeah? With a vengeance.

What'd he do?

I never expected to be ambushed
like that, especially by my best bud.

I couldn't wait to introduce 'em.

I thought we'd make
the perfect threesome.

But he was just waiting to steal her.

We'd done 500 miles on the Alcan...

and were only looking for a quick bite
before heading home.

The signs were all there-

the leering gaze,

the brazen touch.

But I foolishly chose to ignore them.

Shelly had a headache
from the long drive...

and was having trouble
opening a bottle of aspirin.

I started to help her,

but Holling stepped between us
and took the bottle from her hand.

Then the die was cast.

Just like with the picture,

I was blinded by my own trusting nature.

Saw the light.

Thought I'd come in, see how
you're holding up. Oh, I'm fine.

Not feeling up to, um,
intercourse tonight, huh?

Nah, not really. I don't blame you.

Cherchez la femme.
That's one thing the Frogs got right.

Yeah.
Lady Love sure can turn a man's head,

make him betray his country
or his dearest friend.

Or she could just not care.
Make you lose your self-respect.

Think about a woman who
doesn't know you're thinking

about her, doesn't care
you're thinking about her,

makes you think about her even more.

I'm thinkin' about him.

How him and her became them
and I became only me.

Yeah, him. I wonder who her him is.

Bet Holling's got her moaning
on the bun-warmer right now.

Yeah.

Irene?

Shelly. I'm talking about Irene.

Irene who?

It doesn't matter.

No. Guess not.

Hi, Chris. Hey.

How ya doing? Great. Great.

You know, Patti, this never happened
to me before. It's no big deal.

It's just kinda interesting
'cause on one level,

I wanna perform- you know, all men do.

But on another, I guess I didn't.

I mean, my mind was there, but-

It really wasn't. I just couldn't focus.

Hi. Hello. Hi.

Wow, it's, um- It's really pretty here.

Ooh, those, uh, spruce trees?

That's a spruce. Huh.

You don't have to avoid the subject.
You know, we can talk about it.

The subject is? Impotence.

He couldn't focus.

You guys were great.

I mean, very giving,
very sensitive, very erotic.

Thanks. You too.

I'll tell you the truth.

I can't quit thinking
about somebody else.

I mean, I look at
your two lovely bodies, and...

I see her.

Although I've never seen her.

Her body. Huh. Wow.

It's more than sex. You know, it's-

I wanna go for a walk with her.
I wanna-I wanna feed her.

- I wanna read Sendak to her.
- Who is she?

The itinerant optometrist.

Well, why don't you
let her get a whiff of you?

Hey, Linda, believe me, I've
tried. She's just not interested.

Really? Really?

Well, how come? I don't know.

I guess she just
can't smell the real me.

Wow. Too bad.

O'Connell. Fleischman.

What? You're wearing mascara.

So? You never wear makeup.

So? Today I am.

What? Eye shadow.

Fleischman, what's the big deal?

Why today?

I don't know. Look, Fleischman,
I'm a grown woman.

I don't have to give you or anyone else
a reason why I decide to wear makeup.

Why today?

I don't know. I guess I just
felt the need to feel pretty.

Chris. Chris?

You're attracted to Chris
like every other woman in town.

Fleischman, you don't understand
anything that's not in a book-

not makeup, not men, not me.

You haven't a clue.

Let me just say I have
more important things

on my mind than carnal,
erotic pleasures.

Hmm. I do.

Granted, Chris might be a stud,
but I am not some cow in heat...

waiting to get poked by
the lankiest bull in the pasture.

Touchy.

Hi, Dr. Fleischman. Shelly.

Did Holling talk to you? Yeah.

And? Maurice too.

Oh. We have two radically
different stories here, Shelly.

Maurice says Holling seduced you.
Holling

claims he successfully
resisted his desires.

What's your recollection?

My record collection?

The first time you came
into this place, what happened?

Well, let me think.

We'd been driving all day.

And Maurice's muffler had a hole in it,
so the engine was really loud.

It sounded kinda cool,
it being a V-8 and all,

but still, it gave me a huge headache.

Maurice introduced me to Holling.

But I wasn't paying too much attention.

All I could think about
was getting an aspirin.

The bottle had one of those
safety caps, and I'd broken

a nail packing my suitcase,
and I couldn't get it off.

Maurice and Holling didn't notice.
They were too busy catching up.

Luckily, Dave was standing nearby.

Dave? Dave opened the-the bottle?

Uh-huh.

This reminds me of the
story of the six blind men

who try to figure out what
an elephant is by touch.

The one at the trunk thinks it's a rope.
The one at the

tusk thinks it's a horn.
Nobody knows the whole truth.

Huh. Yeah.

Well, what animal
was the elephant anyway?

It's like you think I'm a rope,

and you think I'm a horn.

But you're both wrong.

I'm an elephant!

So go ahead. Shake hands and make up.

We are gonna sit here
until you two patch things up.

I don't care if it takes all day.

Well, if Maurice is ready to apologize.

Me? For the false accusations.

I'm the injured party here. Boys.

What about my reputation.
Your reputation?

Repeat a lie often enough,
people will believe it.

- Boys.
- And what about me?

You think I don't know what
they're saying when I walk

down the street? "There goes
Minnifield the cuckold."

What gave you the right to
claim her in the first place?

Holling!

I went to a great deal of time and
expense to bring this girl up here.

A few meals and a frock or two.
I've been

supporting her for the
last three years.

- I work!
- She could live like a queen with me.

That's right, Maurice. Don't
let me forget. You're a rich man.

You can't forget it. You wanna
know why? Because you're jealous.

That's what this whole thing's about.
Well, good.

I'm sure glad I'm not the elephant.

The truth is, I'm just a bone
for you two dogs to fight over.

And I'm really glad.

I'm so glad, I never want to see
either one of you ever again!

The patient, Christopher Stevens,
is a 28-year-old male Caucasian.

Although family records are
limited, it appears that

both the father and the
paternal grandfather...

manifested signs of
the same secretory syndrome.

Uh, thus it appears the condition
is genetic rather than acquired,

although environmental cofactors
can't be ruled out.

Got a sec? Sure. Come on in.

What's up?

Not much.

- I'm impotent.
- Impotent?

- You are impotent?
- Yeah.

Fantastic. When did this happen?

- Last night.
- Is this normal?

- Wait. Do you mind?
- No. Go ahead.

Is impotence consistent
with the pathology?

I mean, has it happened
before? No. First time.

Wow. This is terrific.

Yeah, well-No, no. I'm
sorry. L-l-It's terrible.

I commiserate, but this is
great. Oh, I know why. I'm-

Let's wait. Hold on.
Let's not rush to a conclusion.

It could be any number of things.
Maybe none related.

What I need to do is
a complete urological workup,

plus a blood count,
hemoglobin, a thyroid-

- No, I'm in love.
- You're in love.

Actually, I think it's a
form of narcissism. I mean-

How can you love somebody
you don't even know?

Aren't you really just,
like, projecting

all the qualities you
want them to have...

'cause you're lacking 'em in yourself?
Huh.

Well, anyway, in any case,
you are impotent?

- Yeah.
- Good.

A-And you think
it's because you're in love.

Oh, yeah, 'cause, you know,
I'm obsessing on this woman.

Why? Why?

I can't have her.
She's not interested in me.

Incredible. This person,
the woman of your desires,

um, can she smell you? Yeah.

Only, I don't smell to her
like I do to all these other women.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know.

Obsessions and fixations
are not really my field.

All I know, when the mind really
grabs hold of something, look out.

Crazy glue. Exactly.

Uh, hi. We gotta talk. We do?

Yes, we do. I'm a mess.

You're all I'm thinkin' about. I hear
your voice in the wind in the trees.

I see your face in shadows.
You know what the ironic thing is?

There's women lined up-literally lined

up-desperate for me.
Some of'em would kill.

And you, Irene, you don't-Can
I call you Irene? - Yes.

You're not even the slightest
bit interested in me, are you?

No.

May I ask you a
personal question, Irene?

If you have to.

- Are you married?
- No.

- Boyfriend?
- No.

- Gay?
- No.

And you don't foresee any changes
in your feelings towards me?

- I'm sorry.
- Why? Why? What's wrong with me?

Would you just answer me
that one question, Irene, please?

Nothing. Nothing.

I understand.

I guess that's why
I'm crazy in love with you.

Because I'm not interested in you?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Look, it's not your fault, all right?
You just gotta understand, Irene.

- I got a big problem here.
- I can see that.

All right, what if you just
showed a little interest in me?

You know, then this whole "unobtainable
object of desire" thing vanishes.

I go on with my life.
You go on with yours.

You know, just consider me another
notch in your belt, so to speak. Okay?

I don't think I want to do that. Look,

your interest doesn't
have to be genuine.

Uh-uh. You got a better idea?

Well, we could try to be
friends. Oh, no. Come on.

Everybody says that. I've
said that. It doesn't work.

True.

I wish I could help you.

I guess the best thing is-the only thing
is-we don't see each other anymore.

If you think that's best.
Yeah. Cold turkey.

Nothing I can do? Nothing I
can say to change your mind?

Uh-uh. All right.

Hello, Maurice?

- Maurice?
- What do you want?

We've got to talk.

I remember when you bought this place.

I thought it was a big mistake-

dry rot, cracked foundations,
rusted pipes.

But you had a vision.

You saw the possibilities.

It's always been
like that with you, Maurice.

You see ahead.

Maybe it's being an astronaut,

looking out into all that empty space,

imagining what would fill it.

We used to sit right in that window...

and pick off rabbits in your garden
with a.22 all night long.

You used to grow okra out there.

Some of the best gumbo I ever tasted.

I recall this one time
we almost came to blows.

You called Truman
a fainthearted old auntie...

because he wouldn't let Patton
go marching on into Moscow.

Never mind what the French
or the English had to say.

Never mind the Russians were our allies.

Hold on there.

What about Eastern
Europe now, smart guy?

Maurice,

you're the best friend I ever had.

I would've shot a hole in my own hand...

if I'd have thought it'd stop me
from being in love with Shelly.

You got to know
that I fought against it.

Problem was,
I wanted two things at once.

I wanted to do the right thing,
and I wanted Shelly.

And the part that wanted Shelly
had the advantage because it was crazy.

Maybe I did reach out to Shelly.

Maybe the crazy part of me did.

The thing is, if I had it to do again,

I can't say but that I'd do it
exactly the same way.

Genetic diseases-
I mean, not that this is a disease-

are common in groups where inbreeding,

what we call consanguinity,
is prevalent.

See, there's a greater chance of
recessive gene matching. Right. Right.

Now, I don't mean to pry, but in your
family, has there been any, um, linkage?

Brothers and sisters? No!

Cousins? Yeah.

Really? All right, Joel, look.
It gets confusing, all right?

Your third cousins
are also your nephews,

but if their kids marry your kids
and they have kids,

then that's your grandchildren,
but your third cousins, once removed.

But us Stevenses, we're all tall,
eyes aren't too far apart. You know,

what the hell. Huh. That's interesting.

Yeah. You skip the small talk
when you date family.

No, I mean those women.
They didn't even see you.

Her too. Yeah, well,

woke up this morning, five
good-bye notes taped to the fridge.

Wait, wait, wait. It's too soon.
You said the episodes, they last-

Five to seven days.
But it's only been three days.

Yeah. I don't understand.

It's so interesting. Why?

Irene.

Irene the eye doctor?
I don't know. Maybe-

Maybe it's not beyond
the realm of possibility.

It-It's as if your body is saying,

"I have my mate.
I don't need to attract another."

Yeah, but, Joel, l-I don't have her.

Yeah, but I know that and you
know that, but your body doesn't.

O-Or maybe it doesn't care.

Hi. Again?

Uh, you don't have to worry.
I just came to say good-bye.

Oh. Okay.

Where you headed? Samsuk.

I give a glaucoma workshop every year.

Hmm.

Uh, look, Irene, the fact this didn't
work out with you and me, you know-

Maybe that's good.
You know, maybe that's... right.

You never really became
a real person to me.

I mean, what I'm trying
to say, Irene, is...

this whole thing's been so intense.

You know, it's-
The rejection, it's been devastating.

I mean, its like
an emotional tsunami and-

I'm in this excruciating pain.
And I feel like I'm losing my mind.

And it's just-it's great.

I'm glad.

Anyway, I want to thank you.

Thank you for the experience.

You're welcome. Actually,

it wasn't altogether unpleasant for me.

No?

To get that kind of attention from a
good-looking guy like you-I'm flattered.

Really?

Sure. Well, look then, maybe-

It was nice. Thanks.

Right.

Um-

Why don't you let me
help you with these chairs?

Okay. Okay.

Can I borrow your glasses?

My glasses? May I?

Thanks.

Wow. What?

I can see.

You need glasses?

I'm sure that amuses you.
Why would that amuse me?

It's obvious. I'm in a state of decline.

And knowing how sadistic you are,
that probably delights you.

Thank you.

I mean, it's not like I'm
already married with three kids.

You know, it's not like
my looks are unimportant.

Huh. I'm still a single woman.

And I have a biological imperative
to attract the opposite sex.

Let me tell you something, O'Connell.
Glasses are not your problem.

You're a knockout. I don't
mean just pretty. No, beautiful.

The lips, the mouth, the eyes,
the quality of the skin,

the smile, the whole megillah.

You have a face that could
launch a thousand ships.

Really? Absolutely.

Your problems are not physical,
they're emotional, psychological.

If men aren't attracted
to you, it's totally

because of your abrasive personality.

You're defensive.
And the fact that you don't like us.

Thank you. Thank you, Fleischman.

You're welcome, O'Connell.

Well, Maurice,

what's it gonna be?

The usual.

Warm night. It certainly is.

Why don't you get the special
because it has carrots?

I know most of you
have been where I am tonight.

The crash site of unrequited love.

You've asked yourself,
how did I get here?

What was it about her?

Was it her smile?
Was it... the way she crossed her legs?

The turn of her ankle?

The poignant vulnerability
of her slender wrist?

What are these elusive
and ephemeral things

that ignite passion in the human heart?

That's an age-old question.
It's perfect food

for thought on a bright
midsummer's night.

Hey, you said it best, Will.

"Love looks not with the eyes,
but with the mind;

And therefore is winged Cupid
painted blind."

Yeah.