Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 3, Episode 14 - Burning Down the House - full transcript
Maggie's mother comes for a visit and delivers some surprising news. Chris builds a catapult. Joel discovers someone's secret identity.
Nice cow.
Yeah? Like it? Yeah, it's great.
What makes you say that?
I don't know. To tell you the
truth, they all look the same to me.
Is that the one you're going
to fling? Well, I thought so.
You know, from a distance
she's... very engaging.
But... you get to know her, she's got a-
A what?
Uh, a certain wrongness about her.
A wrongness? You mean, like-
Yeah. Um-
Not rightness.
You realize, of course, that by throwing
that cow through the air by catapult,
the animal is going to break
every bone in its body. Mm-hmm.
And the reason for this is?
Create a pure moment.
Well, you know, look, I understand
the cathartic value of performance art.
I was goin' to SoHo before it was SoHo.
I mean, I saw artists before they were
refused grants by the N.E.A.
I was into Marilyn Jacovsky's inner
landscapes before the Vorpal signed her,
before Donald Trump
started buyin' up her work.
But this? A cow death?
We're gonna have a big old
feast afterwards, you know.
A little moo? Yeah, pass.
Very fresh.
Double pass.
Huh.
Latest report from the art front-
picked up a couple of Peterbilt truck
springs this morning from the dump.
Real beauties too. Gonna take
about a ton of pressure apiece.
Still need a hand winch, a butterfly bit
and use of a drill press.
Let me thank the folks over there
at the, uh, Panisette Dairy Farm...
for the use of the Guernseys,
even if they are played out, milk-wise.
Still haven't found one
that rings my bell.
Anybody out there got a cow they
want to fling? Trot her on over.
Chris in the Morning, K-Bear,
Cicely, Alaska.
Oh, no. Don't tell me you're
out of orange marmalade.
Oh, sorry, dear.
Oh, God! There's some grapejelly.
Oh, no way. Absolutely not.
Oh. I'm getting some boysenberry.
A case in tomorrow.
You don't know my mother.
Hot lemon water every morning...
with half a dry English muffin
with "marmy."
Hot lemon water?
Mm-hmm. For the complexion. You
think she'll catch on this is plastic?
I take it your mother's
a creature of habit.
Mm. Jane O'Connell-
calligrapher of thank-you notes,
organizer of spice racks...
daily swimmer of 66 laps,
come rain or come shine.
Well, it was nice of
her to come all this
way then. It's quite a departure, right?
Try obligation.
My mother's pathologically polite.
Obligation for what?
Well, probably because
she and my dad went to the islands...
and deprived their little
pumpkin of another
tortuous Christmas in Grosse Pointe.
- No doubt that's behind it.
- Oh, I see.
Don't get me wrong. I mean, my
mother's a perfectly nice person.
Perfectly nice.
You know, perfectly perfect.
It'll be great to see her.
Well, maybe not great, but... nice.
Perfectly nice.
Chris?
Hey, Shelly, come on in.
What've you got there? It's a harness.
Holling says he slung
a bull up in it once.
It should hold a heifer. Yeah,
it's got good weight. Thanks.
Sorry you didn't find the right cow yet.
Oh, she'll show up.
Wow! You can draw too.
I didn't even know
what you were doing was art.
Thought it had to be in
a frame or likeJesus
and Mary and the saints in church.
Well, you know, Shel, the human soul
chooses to express itself...
in a profound profusion of ways,
not just the plastic arts.
- Plastic carts?
- Arts. Plastic arts.
Like sculpture, painting, charcoal.
You know, then there's music
and-and poetry and dance.
Lots of people-Susan Sontag
notwithstanding-uh, include photography.
- Slam dancing?
- Well, insofar as it reflects the, uh,
slam dancer's inner conflict
with society through the beat-
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Why not?
Oh.
You see, Shelly, what I'm dealing with
is the aesthetics of the transitory.
I'm creating tomorrow's memories.
And as memories, my images are - are
as immortal as art, which is concrete.
Far out!
And we're gonna have this transitory
cow fling thing right here in Cicely.
Oh, it shall be done.
Wow, cool!
Hey, Marilyn, point of information.
You heard about Chris's project?
He's going to fling a cow. That's right.
He's gonna throw a cow through the air.
What do you think about that?
Chris is gonna propel
a poor, defenseless
cow into the air, and you just shrug?
We're gonna eat it after.
Well, you know, Marilyn, after being
hurtled hundreds of
feet through the air,
this-this poor creature
might experience a
great deal of physical pain upon impact.
You could give it something. Something?
Valium.
Great.
Excuse me. Are you Dr. Fleischman?
Yeah. Can I help you? Um, I
couldn't get in your cabin.
My cabin? He's the chimney sweep.
The chimney sweep? No kidding.
Why? You don't think
I'm a chimney sweep?
Why don't you think I'm a chimney sweep?
No, I just-I've never
met a chimney sweep.
Of course, I've never had a chimney, so-
Because I am a chimney sweep.
I'm a very good chimney sweep.
- The best.
- Fine. No problem.
You don't clean out your chimney,
you get asphyxiated.
You know, a lot of stuff
gets up in there.
Uh, creosote, uh, dead animals.
Fine.
Well, uh-
- What?
- Need the key.
Oh. Right. I'm sorry.
Hey, do I know you?
No. Um-
I'll leave it under the mat.
What's his name? Bob.
Bob? Bob what?
No, just Bob.
I am so, so sorry the plane was an hour
late. I know. I didn't mind waiting.
I tried to reach you. I know. I know.
But there was a line at the phone.
And then you weren't home.
The fog came in, and the plane was late,
and it's not your fault,
and I didn't mind waiting.
Really, I didn't mind waiting.
I love waiting.
All right. Okay.
We had the loveliest captain.
He pointed out everything.
The Space Needle. Mt. Saint Helen's.
When you think of all that awful soot,
and now there are trees growing.
I'd say it's repairing nicely
after all it's been through. Mm.
All right, Mother,
it's shorter than last
year. Oh, it's really very flattering.
No, you think it looks mannish.
On Cissy Reynolds's daughter, yes.
I'm the one who has to wear it,
Mother, not you. I said I liked it.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Are you hungry?
We can get something to eat.
Dear-Dear, that man
has his hand in your truck.
Oh. Hey, Chris, how you doin'?
Last night, in a dream- trigger pin.
Well, Chris, uh, this is my mother.
Uh, Mother, Chris Stevens.
Nice to meet you.
This chain, it's good. I like it.
Can I have it?
- Sure, take it.
- Thanks.
Nice to meet ya.!
He's building a catapult.
Oh. How interesting.
He's gonna fling a cow. Oh.
Now, Mother, you, uh
- you called on the phone, you wrote,
you must've, uh, apologized
a thousand times for Christmas.
What is this? What?
This thing on the glass. It's not dirt.
No? No. It's just... old.
Oh.
One tuna melt. One cheese
sandwich, light mayo, for Mother.
Oh, doesn't this look lovely.
Oh, Shelly, could you take Mother's
old glass and bring another old glass?
Sure.
Thanks.
Camp Indian Head, summer '78. Huh?
I'm sorry. You just look so familiar.
You don't have a history
of thyroid, do you? What?
Thyroid. Or sinus problems?
I did an E.N.T. rotation at Mt.
Sinai. I thought maybe you came in.
No.
You ever accompany a friend?
Look, l- I've never been to New York.
Excuse me.
There you are. I know I know him.
He does a heck of a job on our flue.
So, anyway, I'm not saying it
didn't come as a surprise, you know?
I mean, you spend every
Christmas of your
life with your family-28 Christmases-
you just kind of expect that you'll
spend the next one with your family.
And when you get this letter
saying that they have other plans,
well, I was hurt.
Well, no. Not hurt,
just thrown, you know?
So, you know, Mom, if you'd like
to clear the air, we could discuss it,
but, uh, you didn't really have to
fly 4,000 miles just to apologize.
Why would you think I'd come all
this way to talk about Christmas?
You? Oh, come on, Mom.
You, who makes us drive 30 miles
back to Lansing in the rain...
because we forgot to thank
Bree Benson for a wonderful time?
I came here because I have something
I wanted to talk to you about.
Your father and l-Well- Well, what?
We've decided to get a divorce.
Your photos really didn't
do this placejustice.
I don't know why you'd want to move.
Well, Mother, the whole
front porch has dry rot.
My. What a charming antique stove.
It's not antique, Mother. It's
old and used and-and beyond repair.
I am crazy about that mauve.
Or is it more of a dusty rose?
Look, Mom,
I don't want to talk about the stove.
How could you possibly talk about
the stove at a time like this?
I mean, you're intending to divorce my
father. Oh, it's beyond intend, dear.
We filed. Filed?
Mm-hmm. It's in the hopper.
Where are those cigarettes?
Oh, I don't believe this.
I mean, you come up
here and drop this atom
bomb on my head...
and tell me that the divorce
is already in the hopper?
Well, I didn't want to
put it in a letter.
You have no idea how much
that upset your Aunt Barbara.
Aunt Barbara knows?
Aunt Barbara, Reverend Holyoke, uh,
Price Adams,
and, of course, your brother.
- Who's Price Adams?
- He cuts my hair.
So, what, Mom, I'm like the last
person in the world to know?
Yes.
I suppose I did put off telling you,
but you know how upset you can get.
You don't happen to have
an ashtray, do you?
Mother, don't you think you and Dad
should just talk this through?
I mean, you don't - you don't walk
away from a marriage after 30 years.
- Thirty-two.
- Well, all the more reason.
We've been thinking about it.
That's why we took that trip
to the islands at Christmas.
Oh. The plate.
We wanted to hash things out.
See if there was anything
worth salvaging.
Christmas.
So, you mean the Christmas I spent
like an orphan, you and Dad were-
Trying to stir the embers
of a relationship too long dead.
It was fine as long as you kids were in
the house and then getting you launched.
But after you were gone,
there I was in that big house, alone.
And it was just as lonely
with him there.
You were the one who said
my whole life was one big sublimation.
Deep breathing and origami classes.
Hospital auxiliary and theJunior League.
Yeah, Mom, but you never
chose to listen to me then.
I mean, what's made you
decide to listen to me now?
Your father and I haven't slept
together in six and a half years.
What? Well, there was that one
night after the G.M. testimonial,
but we'd had quite a bit to drink.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
l-I don't want to hear this.
I mean, I can't believe
you're saying this.
And even when the sex was nice,
it wasn't that nice.
I mean, you know how Frank is.
Methodical, wooden.
Whatever creativity he had
went into the hatchback.
Mother, please.!
I've still got 25 or 30 years.
There's a whole world beyond
the Grosse Pointe Country Club,
and I want to experience it.
Hike to a lava flow. See the pyramids.
The pyramids? In Egypt?
Well, okay, Mexico.
But why not Egypt too?
Mother, are you okay?
I mean, are you having
a nervous breakdown?
Y- You're talking about Mexico,
you're using a plate as an ashtray,
and you're discussing
all of this like your
roses have come down with "aah-phids."
"Ay-phids."
When I first told your brother, I cried.
I bawled my eyes out for three hours.
Well, you're not crying now.
Well, it gets easier.
Listen, I'm sorry. L - I think I have
to get out of here. I understand.
Is it okay if I wash my hair?
Sure. Fine.
Do you have a clean towel?
Hmm?
You still lookin' for a cow, Chris?
Yeah.
Might have one.
Brown Swiss with a bad disposition.
Bring her by. We'll give
her a look-see. All right.
Thanks, Gary. No problem.
There he goes. The Pied Piper of Cicely.
Don't you think we should try
and stop him? Why is that, Joel?
Well, hurtling live animals,
Ruth-Anne-isn't it illegal?
Well, Chris does venture
farther out than some of us,
but he usually ends up
with something pretty interesting.
Fine. Did my blood bags come in?
No. Oh, but you have some magazines.
New Yorker and Golf Digest.
Ah, four months old. Great.
I get to know
what I already know about the Ryder Cup.
Oh, and your Atlantic Monthly is
here. I was reading it in the back.
Look at this-the Hawaiian Open.
I'm stuck here with flying cows,
these people are sinking putts
under palm trees.
Look at that green green. Mm.
Larry Coe? What?
Of course! Larry Coe.
Th-The guy who sweeps the chimneys.
The chimney sweep is Larry Coe.
Bob? Yeah, Bob.
Bob is Larry. Larry is Bob.
The golfer, Larry Coe, is Bob.
That doesn't look like Bob.
Well, no, that- that's, uh, Greg Norman.
I'm talking about Larry Coe.
Terrific player.
Came out of Florida
with these straight, long woods.
I don't know, Joel.
Bob's been cleaning chimneys
around here for some time.
How long? Oh, five, six years.
Yeah, that'd be just about right.
That's when it happened. What?
Well, he's playing the Masters, right?
This is the Kentucky Derby of golf.
It's his first major. He's
got victory in the palm of
his putter. It's him and-and
Kevin Quass on the 18th.
Larry Coe hits the green
from deep out in the rough, right?
An impossible shot.
Quass is in the trap,
two down. He chips a golden ferret.
Come again?
He holes in from-from the sand trap. Oh.
The ball rolls in,
the crowd goes berserk.
Okay? Now, Larry, all he's gotta
do is sink a three-foot putt.
He's done it a thousand times.
It's practically
a gimme, and he's won the Masters.
What happened? He blew it.
Oh, dear.
A hundred million people
watchin' on TV, zillions of
dollars in endorsements,
and he blew the Masters.
He left the game.
Nobody ever heard from him again.
Oh, poor Bob.
Yeah. Wow, Larry Coe.
Why should I care anyway, right?
They're down there. I'm up here.
I mean, I'm a big girl.
I'm a grown-up. A pilot.
I mean, Mom and Dad have
their own relationship to work out.
What does it have to do with me?
Nothing.
Plenty. I mean, Holling, I
thought we came from a happy home.
I have pictures of us,
you know, at Christmas,
Thanksgiving - all the big holidays.
And we were smiling.
I mean, we were happy.
I mean, we really looked like
we were havin' a good time.
Were you? Well, I thought we were.
Obviously I was wrong.
What about you, Holling? Were your
folks happy? I honestly can't say.
Let me tell you something. You were
smart not to come to any conclusions,
because I assumed we were,
and it was a big mistake.
No, it isn't that. Maggie,
happiness just wasn't part
of the job description back then.
You tried to find a helpmate to keep
the cold wind and the dogs at bay.
Happiness just wasn't part
of the equation.
Survival was. Yeah, but, Holling,
I didn't live then. I live now.
And I thought I had it, and
now I found out that I didn't,
and how would I even know what it was?
Happiness? Not that I want the kind
of relationship they had anyway.
No? Are you kidding?
With their matching
little pink crew-neck sweaters...
and their cold little martinis and
their big little green manicured lawns.
Well, if you don't want to be
like them, then what's the problem?
The problem?
Holling, what's the problem?
The problem is that all my
life I've been rebelling
against something that
didn't even exist.
Yeah.
- Hey.!
- Ho.!
How's it goin'?
Well, I got a small skeleton up here.
Looks like a squirrel.
Hey, Bob? Yeah?
Look, um-
I know who you are.
Yeah, l-I said I know who you are.
You're Larry Coe. Hmm?
Come on. I've seen your picture
in Sports Illustrated.
I've watched you a million times on TV.
Oh, man. I knew it. I
knew you were somebody.
I couldn't put my finger on it.
I thought
maybe Richmond Hill High
or Camp Indian Head,
and then l-I'm reading Golf Digest.
It is a pleasure to meet you.
Do you know I have
followed your career since
your junior win in '78?
I remember Maybrook. What,
it was, uh, the summer of'82.
You hit that drive, you cleared the
water and the bunker on the 15th hole...
with a what, a three
iron, right? It was a five.
A five iron? Really? Do you know,
uh, the TV said it was a three iron.
Hey, how about the back nine
in Pebble Beach? What a charge!
Suppose you saw the Masters. Augusta
Nationals. It was my favorite course.
I mean, I remember the moment clearly.
Sunday afternoon, Elaine and I,
we're sitting in front of the TV.
She's doin' the Times crossword
puzzle. She couldn't believe it.
Neither of us could.
You had that in the bag.
The ball just-just broke off
to the right.
Where you goin'? Somewhere, anywhere.
Right now? You're not done, are you?
You know, it's not enough that I come in
here and clean your
chimney for you, is it?
I can clean your flue.
I could be the nicest guy in the world.
All you see is some choke artist
with a putter in his hand.
Simple laundry detergent will
cut through that creosote.
What's happening?
What's happening? What? What?
It's a fire. Fire? Where?
Uh, south corner of
Katunic and Washington.
Katunic and Washington.
Katunic and Washington?
That's my house.
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry, Maggie. It's
too far gone. Mother?
Mary-Margaret.! Mother?
Oh! Oh, God, Mother, are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine. Oh, thank God!
I'm so sorry. No, Mom. I'm
sorry. There was faulty wiring.
Oh, I'm so stupid. No, Mother,
will you stop apologizing?
It's not your fault. Yes, it is.
No, it's not. Yes. It is.
It was an accident, sweetheart.
What do you mean it was an accident?
l- I left the towel on the space heater.
It was damp.
I'm sorry. You-You started that fire?
You started that fire? I'm sorry.
You're sorry? You burned my whole
house down, and you're sorry?
Mary-Margaret, now, stop
it. Get a grip on yourself.
Here's some squishy pillows
and my old blanket from home.
You'll be surprised
how comfortable this pool table is.
I have no pillows. I have nothing.
I have no underwear.
If I had a pet, it would be dead.
Well, you could probably stay here
as long as you need to.
Everything I had was in that house.
I have nothing.
I feel nothing. I am nothing.
It could've been really bad.
Your mom could've cooked.
Mother. Ohhh-
You know, she comes into town
for two minutes, and what does she do?
She burns my house down!
Mothers are supposed to
help their children.
They're supposed to protect them.
They're not supposed to come into town,
tell them they're getting divorced,
and then burn down
their daughters' houses!
You know, first she ruins my life,
and then she ruins my life!
Maybe you should talk to her.
Maybe not.
- Hi, Marilyn.
- Hi. I bring stuff.
Look! Look what Marilyn
brought you, Maggie-stuff!
From my tribe.
Look, there's a shirt and some pants.
A blender. Looks like
everybody chipped in.
Uh-huh. Because she's homeless.
Oh, wow, look at these.
Hello, Chris. Hey, Ed.
I bought that cow
on the side of the road for you.
Ooh, nice.
Soft energy too.
Got my cow, Ed. Right back there.
- The fat one.
- Yep.
- Well, she's pretty.
- No, man, she's perfect.
- Black and white.
- Yin and yang.
Just like the one in Monty Python.
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
You know, the
crusaders are storming the
castle with a catapult.
Really? A catapult? Yep.
And then they hurled this cow right at
that castle with the catapult. Pow!
Th-They flung a cow with a catapult?
Oh, yeah.
Right over the castle wall. Pow!
Ed, you sure about this?
Well, it might not have been a real cow.
I mean, a live one anyway.
Oh, man. Yeah.
Right at that castle wall. Pow.
I guess that's it then. Yeah.
What's what then?
It's done. It's finished, Ed. It's over.
What? The cow.
Somebody got there first.
Well-You mean, you're not
gonna fling the cow now?
What's the point, Ed?
It's already been flung.
So?
So, Ed, how would you like to make
Take the Money and Run?
Oh, Woody already made-
Oh.
Maybe you could fling a pig.
The ironic thing is...
fire is warmth.
Fire is life. It gives light,
and you can cook things with it.
But it can turn on you.
Look what happened to Maggie.
Yeah, and it stinks too.
You can smell it all over town.
I'm gonna have a conversation
with her insurance agent.
I think he's draggin' his heels
on this thing.
Her mom kind of did her a favor
though. She never did like that place.
- Said it has no flow.
- What is flow?
I don't know.
It refers to the juxtaposition
of one room to another.
Like, uh, the, uh,
kitchen to the dining room.
Maggie doesn't have a dining room.
- Maybe she can get one now.
- Hmm. Yeah.
Hello, Joel. We were just
talking about Maggie's fire.
Wiped the poor girl out.
Yeah, it's, uh-It's really terrible.
It's just a terrible thing.
Listen, um - You guys know the
guy who sweeps the chimney?
- Bob?
- Yeah, Bob.
- Except he's not Bob. He's Larry Coe.
- Who's Bob?
The golfer, Larry Coe. You've
heard of "Oh, no" Coe, Maurice.
He blew the Masters. Choked on a putt.
Yeah, golf can be
a very frustrating sport.
I remember when I was playing
with Aldrin. I shot an 83-
Yeah, l-I'm talkin' about the Masters.
The man blew his whole career.
Maybe he wanted to.
No, I don't think so, Shelly.
Winning's not for everybody,
Dr. Fleischman.
Some people are happier in the woodwork.
Or the chimney.
You don't understand.
You don't walk away from golf.
Golf is a-a devotion.
It's a-It's a calling.
Larry Coe was good.
He could have been great.
Now he is- he's sweeping chimneys.
Oh, I don't know, Joel.
A man can get stuck on a thing.
People ought to change
careers every couple
of decades or so. Keeps things fresh.
- Yeah.
- I'm talkin' to myself.
Hi, Dr. Fleischman. Uh-huh.
Bye, Dr. Fleischman.
Poor Chris. He was right in
the beam, and now he's lost.
Yeah, I thought I'd heard
everything from Stevens.
Now he gets this crackbrained idea
about flingin' a cow.
Oh, he-he's not gonna fling the cow now.
- He isn't?
- Why not?
On account of it's already been flung.
Without us?
Chris didn't fling the cow.
Monty Python did.
So now Chris is just
sittin' there, depressing.
- Seems to be goin' around.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Go away. Margaret.
I'm still your mother. I can't look at
you, Mother. L - I can't
even talk to you.
I understand, dear.
Mother, do not smile like that.
Do not do that.
Doesn't it feel kind of good?
What? You hated that house.
So? So now you can build a new one.
Mother, if anybody's gonna burn my
house down, I'll be the one to do it.
In a way, you're lucky.
Lucky? Mm-hmm.
I waited until I was 58 until I burned
down my house, and I loved that house.
I wished I'd done it sooner.
Mother, you don't seem to understand.
It's not a question of whether I liked
the house or I didn't like the house.
It was my house, Mother. Mine.
Mother, I am upset.
I am very, very angry!
Oh, I know you are.
I thought about it once.
Thought about what?
It was at the house on Yorkshire Road.
You must have been two.
You were in the high chair.
We were in the kitchen.
I was standing at the stove, cooking.
You almost burned the house down?
You mean, this is some sort of pattern?
Well, it was only a little fire.
Really. Just a potholder.
I put it out almost immediately.
Maggie, don't do what I did.
Don't sit in your house
and wait for it to burn down.
Do it now. Rip it up by the roots.
Blow the lid off.
Go out and meet your life.
Don't wait for it to come to you.
Mother, I live in Alaska.
I fly a plane.
I know you do, dear.
Hey, Larry. Dr. Fleischman.
Oh, I, uh, finished your cabin.
Put a wire mesh over the cap.
Should keep it clear.
Have somebody check it out next
year though. Well, can't you do it?
Oh, I got a couple of
more jobs, and I'm outta here.
Where you goin'?
Greenland. Greenland?
You told everybody, didn't you? Well-
Bet you even called
your friends in New York.
J-Just my friend Bernie
and m-my cousin Mickey.
Okay, my roommate
from college, but that's it.
You know, I liked it here too.
Liked the job. Liked the people.
So stay.
I can't stand the look on their
faces when they see me comin'.
Pity, dread. "There but
for the grace of God, go I."
Hey, Larry?
What happened?
How'd you miss the putt?
You want to know what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
I don't know what happened.
So, what're you gonna do?
Give back your cows,
and, uh, torch your catapult?
You got a better idea?
I don't believe you, Stevens.
So what if that Python guy flung a cow?
You go out and fling a cow.
Hell, fling two or three cows.
You don't understand, Maurice.
Repetition, it's the death of art.
It's been done.
All right then. Think of
something else to fling.
What do you think,
inspiration grows on trees, hmm?
Like-Like a formula? You put a
little in a beaker, stir it up?
An artist has to dig down deep in his
guts, Maurice, and pull it out, okay?
That's hogwash, Stevens.
- Have you ever been to Rome?
- Nope.
Well, there's this little place in Rome
called the Sistine Chapel.
There was a guy who laid on his back
for two and a half years...
paintin' the ceiling of that place,
gettin' paint in his eyes.
Do you think he cried at the first
sign of trouble? Hell, no, he didn't.
You remind me of some guys
I knew in combat.
Guys that were scared to death-
had all the starch taken out of'em.
If you run up on an obstacle,
you go through it, you go under it,
you go over it, you go around it.
You do not sit on your butt
and feel sorry for yourself.
Chris, if you want to
feel sorry for yourself,
think about Maggie.
That girl is sittin' over there
in a pile of rubble.
- She's lost everything.
- Rubble?
Yeah. Scene of total devastation.
Every act of creation's
an act of destruction.
Yeah. Right.
Well, that's what-
that's what Picasso said.
All right, whatever.
Look here, Stevens.
Do you think Maggie's gonna
take this thing layin' down?
Hell, no, she's not gonna
take it layin'down.
She's gonna get up,
she's gonna dust herself off,
and she's gonna build
a new life out of those ashes.
Exactly.
This art's kind of a
girlie thing, Chris,
but if you don't want
to lose your manhood
completely, you can't let
this swallow you up.
Now, I want you to go out there
and fling something.
You're right. You're right. Thank you.
Yeah. Now-And get
a good night's sleep. And-
And you might consider takin' a bath.
It's gettin' a little ripe around here.
- Chris?
- Hey.
What are you doin' here? I don't know.
I don't know. Just here.
Look at this.
My entire life is reduced to cinders.
Pair of shoes. Shoes?
Nice pair. Green.
Yeah?
They're not mine. They're my mother's.
Can you believe this?
My entire life goes up in cinders,
and my mother's Ferragamos
survive completely intact.
Oh, no.
Oh, my dioramas.
Rick's shrine. His shrine.
And now he's melted. And look.
Dave. He's melted into Rick's head.
Rick's foot is in Bruce's back.
Every man I've ever been involved with
is now merged into one big blob.
Can I have that? This?
For my catapult.
You wanna fling the blob?
No, no. I want to
stick that on the front.
Okay. Thank you.
You know what, Maggie? I envy you.
You envy me? That's right.
This is beautiful. Huh?
It's like we're standing at the center
of some... primordial ooze.
Like the world at the dawn of creation.
This is my living room, Chris.
It's not exactly the dawn of creation.
This is what it's all about, Maggie.
Destruction and creation.
The scarred battlefield oflife.
Up from the ashes-whoosh-
rises the phoenix.
Up from the skin rises...
a new snake.
Chris, what are you talking about?
- Chris?
- There.
Where?
- There it is.
- What?
My piano?
Isn't she magnificent?
She?
She's a scorched,
destroyed Mason and Hamlin...
that was never- and now
will never be-in tune.
You know, you look
and you look and it's dark.
You don't know what you're looking
for, or if you're going to find it,
or even if it exists,
and now, all of a sudden-
Can I have it? Be my guest.
You made it. Thanks for
comin'. Yeah. What's up?
Um, I was thinkin' - I
feel really bad you're
leavin'. I kind of feel
like it's my fault.
It is. Yeah, I know.
Would you mind comin'
with me for a minute?
I'm kinda rushed.
I got a couple of houses left to do.
Hey, five minutes, tops. Please.
Yeah, okay. All right. Thanks.
It's just- It's just right up here.
Lit a fire in the cabin last night.
Smoke went right up the chimney.
Yeah? Kind of toasty, actually.
Hi, Bob- Larry.
Okay, here we are. What is this?
This is Augusta, Larry.
This is the 18th hole.
You gotta be kiddin'.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Bear with me. Have a seat.
Give me two minutes
of your time. That's it.
Just two minutes.
Okay, picture this-
It's April, Sunday afternoon.
Sky's blue, dogwoods in bloom.
- Light breeze blowing right to left.
- Left to right.
Okay, good. Quass just
holed out. Crowd's cheering.
Still your game though, Larry.
Still your game.
Pin is on the far portion
of the green, downhill lie.
I read it straight.
Titleist 2.
About right here, Larry?
Three feet from the cup?
It's your shot, Larry.
What is this supposed to be,
some sort of psycho-drama?
Exactly.
You think if I sink the putt,
it's all gonna just disappear?
Who knows? I think
you lost your confidence.
What could it hurt? Come on, Larry.
What do ya got to lose?
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry Coe approaches his lie.
Steps up. A little practice putt.
He's over the ball nicely now.
He takes his time. No need to rush.
There's no pressure. Absolutely
no pressure. Zippo. Nada.
Okay, here we go. Concentrating.
He eyes the distance to the cup.
Takes a nice, deep breath.
Lets it out.
Slowly brings back the putter and-
Taps it in. Yeah! Yes, sir!
- Congratulations.
- Feel better now?
- Much.
- Good.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- I'm fine.
The house is lovely.
Maurice has been very generous.
Well, brought you your shoes.
Shoes?
Yeah, they're the only thing
that survived the fire.
My green pumps.
Well, how do you like that.
I have always sworn by Ferragamos.
Some people don't like this heel.
What do you think?
I think they're fine.
I've had these shoes for ages.
I bought them at-
at that little shop
at the bottom of the hill.
- What's the name of it?
- Wayland's.
That's right.
I bought a pair in black,
neutral and these.
Good shoes are so important.
Ferragamos, Robert Clergerie.
They cost more, but they last forever.
Mother, I don't care
about your Ferragamos!
I know. But I do.
I know I made a mess of things.
But it wasn't on purpose.
Oh, uh,
if your brother calls back, tell him
I'll call him when I get to Bordeaux.
Bordeaux? France?
Yes, France.
I'm going on a Butterfield
and Robinson bicycle tour.
We're following the Dordogne River all
the way to Breve. Doesn't it sound fun?
Yeah.
But, uh, you know, Mother,
you-you could, uh,
stick around here for
a few days, if you wanted.
Oh. I'm all booked.
If I don't get there,
th-they'll leave without me.
Then what are you gonna do?
You mean afterward?
I really don't know.
Sounds like a plan.
Yeah.
Welcome, everybody. Welcome.
Thanks for coming today.
I guess you know I've been
out here now for some days...
groping my way along,
trying to realize my vision here.
I started concentrating so hard
on my vision that, uh, I lost sight.
Come to find out
that it's not the vision.
It's not the vision at all.
It's the groping.
It's the groping. It's the yearning.
It's the moving forward.
I was so fixated on that flying cow...
that when Ed told me
Monty Python already
painted that picture, I
thought I was through.
I had to let go of that cow so I could
see all the other possibilities.
Anyway, I want to thank Maurice
for helping me to let go of that cow.
Thank you, Maurice,
for playing Apollo to my Dionysus...
in art's Cartesian dialectic.
And thanks to you, Ed,
'cause the truth shall set us free.
And, Maggie, thank you for sharing
in the destruction of your house...
so that today we can
have something to fling.
I think, uh, Kierkegaard
said it, oh, so well-
"The self is only that which
it's in the process of becoming."
Art, same thing.
James Joyce had something
to say about it too.
"Welcome, O life!
"I go to encounter for the millionth
time the reality of experience...
"and to forge in the
smithy of my soul...
the uncreated conscience of my race."
We're here today to fling
something that bubbled up...
from the collective unconsciousness
of our community.
Ed, you about ready?
The thing I learned, folks-
this is absolutely key-
it's not the thing you fling,
it's the fling itself.
This is so cool!
Let's fling something, Cicely!
One. Two.
Three.
Neat.
- That's interesting.
- Nice.
Well, I'll be.
Incredible!
Yeah.
Yeah? Like it? Yeah, it's great.
What makes you say that?
I don't know. To tell you the
truth, they all look the same to me.
Is that the one you're going
to fling? Well, I thought so.
You know, from a distance
she's... very engaging.
But... you get to know her, she's got a-
A what?
Uh, a certain wrongness about her.
A wrongness? You mean, like-
Yeah. Um-
Not rightness.
You realize, of course, that by throwing
that cow through the air by catapult,
the animal is going to break
every bone in its body. Mm-hmm.
And the reason for this is?
Create a pure moment.
Well, you know, look, I understand
the cathartic value of performance art.
I was goin' to SoHo before it was SoHo.
I mean, I saw artists before they were
refused grants by the N.E.A.
I was into Marilyn Jacovsky's inner
landscapes before the Vorpal signed her,
before Donald Trump
started buyin' up her work.
But this? A cow death?
We're gonna have a big old
feast afterwards, you know.
A little moo? Yeah, pass.
Very fresh.
Double pass.
Huh.
Latest report from the art front-
picked up a couple of Peterbilt truck
springs this morning from the dump.
Real beauties too. Gonna take
about a ton of pressure apiece.
Still need a hand winch, a butterfly bit
and use of a drill press.
Let me thank the folks over there
at the, uh, Panisette Dairy Farm...
for the use of the Guernseys,
even if they are played out, milk-wise.
Still haven't found one
that rings my bell.
Anybody out there got a cow they
want to fling? Trot her on over.
Chris in the Morning, K-Bear,
Cicely, Alaska.
Oh, no. Don't tell me you're
out of orange marmalade.
Oh, sorry, dear.
Oh, God! There's some grapejelly.
Oh, no way. Absolutely not.
Oh. I'm getting some boysenberry.
A case in tomorrow.
You don't know my mother.
Hot lemon water every morning...
with half a dry English muffin
with "marmy."
Hot lemon water?
Mm-hmm. For the complexion. You
think she'll catch on this is plastic?
I take it your mother's
a creature of habit.
Mm. Jane O'Connell-
calligrapher of thank-you notes,
organizer of spice racks...
daily swimmer of 66 laps,
come rain or come shine.
Well, it was nice of
her to come all this
way then. It's quite a departure, right?
Try obligation.
My mother's pathologically polite.
Obligation for what?
Well, probably because
she and my dad went to the islands...
and deprived their little
pumpkin of another
tortuous Christmas in Grosse Pointe.
- No doubt that's behind it.
- Oh, I see.
Don't get me wrong. I mean, my
mother's a perfectly nice person.
Perfectly nice.
You know, perfectly perfect.
It'll be great to see her.
Well, maybe not great, but... nice.
Perfectly nice.
Chris?
Hey, Shelly, come on in.
What've you got there? It's a harness.
Holling says he slung
a bull up in it once.
It should hold a heifer. Yeah,
it's got good weight. Thanks.
Sorry you didn't find the right cow yet.
Oh, she'll show up.
Wow! You can draw too.
I didn't even know
what you were doing was art.
Thought it had to be in
a frame or likeJesus
and Mary and the saints in church.
Well, you know, Shel, the human soul
chooses to express itself...
in a profound profusion of ways,
not just the plastic arts.
- Plastic carts?
- Arts. Plastic arts.
Like sculpture, painting, charcoal.
You know, then there's music
and-and poetry and dance.
Lots of people-Susan Sontag
notwithstanding-uh, include photography.
- Slam dancing?
- Well, insofar as it reflects the, uh,
slam dancer's inner conflict
with society through the beat-
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Why not?
Oh.
You see, Shelly, what I'm dealing with
is the aesthetics of the transitory.
I'm creating tomorrow's memories.
And as memories, my images are - are
as immortal as art, which is concrete.
Far out!
And we're gonna have this transitory
cow fling thing right here in Cicely.
Oh, it shall be done.
Wow, cool!
Hey, Marilyn, point of information.
You heard about Chris's project?
He's going to fling a cow. That's right.
He's gonna throw a cow through the air.
What do you think about that?
Chris is gonna propel
a poor, defenseless
cow into the air, and you just shrug?
We're gonna eat it after.
Well, you know, Marilyn, after being
hurtled hundreds of
feet through the air,
this-this poor creature
might experience a
great deal of physical pain upon impact.
You could give it something. Something?
Valium.
Great.
Excuse me. Are you Dr. Fleischman?
Yeah. Can I help you? Um, I
couldn't get in your cabin.
My cabin? He's the chimney sweep.
The chimney sweep? No kidding.
Why? You don't think
I'm a chimney sweep?
Why don't you think I'm a chimney sweep?
No, I just-I've never
met a chimney sweep.
Of course, I've never had a chimney, so-
Because I am a chimney sweep.
I'm a very good chimney sweep.
- The best.
- Fine. No problem.
You don't clean out your chimney,
you get asphyxiated.
You know, a lot of stuff
gets up in there.
Uh, creosote, uh, dead animals.
Fine.
Well, uh-
- What?
- Need the key.
Oh. Right. I'm sorry.
Hey, do I know you?
No. Um-
I'll leave it under the mat.
What's his name? Bob.
Bob? Bob what?
No, just Bob.
I am so, so sorry the plane was an hour
late. I know. I didn't mind waiting.
I tried to reach you. I know. I know.
But there was a line at the phone.
And then you weren't home.
The fog came in, and the plane was late,
and it's not your fault,
and I didn't mind waiting.
Really, I didn't mind waiting.
I love waiting.
All right. Okay.
We had the loveliest captain.
He pointed out everything.
The Space Needle. Mt. Saint Helen's.
When you think of all that awful soot,
and now there are trees growing.
I'd say it's repairing nicely
after all it's been through. Mm.
All right, Mother,
it's shorter than last
year. Oh, it's really very flattering.
No, you think it looks mannish.
On Cissy Reynolds's daughter, yes.
I'm the one who has to wear it,
Mother, not you. I said I liked it.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Are you hungry?
We can get something to eat.
Dear-Dear, that man
has his hand in your truck.
Oh. Hey, Chris, how you doin'?
Last night, in a dream- trigger pin.
Well, Chris, uh, this is my mother.
Uh, Mother, Chris Stevens.
Nice to meet you.
This chain, it's good. I like it.
Can I have it?
- Sure, take it.
- Thanks.
Nice to meet ya.!
He's building a catapult.
Oh. How interesting.
He's gonna fling a cow. Oh.
Now, Mother, you, uh
- you called on the phone, you wrote,
you must've, uh, apologized
a thousand times for Christmas.
What is this? What?
This thing on the glass. It's not dirt.
No? No. It's just... old.
Oh.
One tuna melt. One cheese
sandwich, light mayo, for Mother.
Oh, doesn't this look lovely.
Oh, Shelly, could you take Mother's
old glass and bring another old glass?
Sure.
Thanks.
Camp Indian Head, summer '78. Huh?
I'm sorry. You just look so familiar.
You don't have a history
of thyroid, do you? What?
Thyroid. Or sinus problems?
I did an E.N.T. rotation at Mt.
Sinai. I thought maybe you came in.
No.
You ever accompany a friend?
Look, l- I've never been to New York.
Excuse me.
There you are. I know I know him.
He does a heck of a job on our flue.
So, anyway, I'm not saying it
didn't come as a surprise, you know?
I mean, you spend every
Christmas of your
life with your family-28 Christmases-
you just kind of expect that you'll
spend the next one with your family.
And when you get this letter
saying that they have other plans,
well, I was hurt.
Well, no. Not hurt,
just thrown, you know?
So, you know, Mom, if you'd like
to clear the air, we could discuss it,
but, uh, you didn't really have to
fly 4,000 miles just to apologize.
Why would you think I'd come all
this way to talk about Christmas?
You? Oh, come on, Mom.
You, who makes us drive 30 miles
back to Lansing in the rain...
because we forgot to thank
Bree Benson for a wonderful time?
I came here because I have something
I wanted to talk to you about.
Your father and l-Well- Well, what?
We've decided to get a divorce.
Your photos really didn't
do this placejustice.
I don't know why you'd want to move.
Well, Mother, the whole
front porch has dry rot.
My. What a charming antique stove.
It's not antique, Mother. It's
old and used and-and beyond repair.
I am crazy about that mauve.
Or is it more of a dusty rose?
Look, Mom,
I don't want to talk about the stove.
How could you possibly talk about
the stove at a time like this?
I mean, you're intending to divorce my
father. Oh, it's beyond intend, dear.
We filed. Filed?
Mm-hmm. It's in the hopper.
Where are those cigarettes?
Oh, I don't believe this.
I mean, you come up
here and drop this atom
bomb on my head...
and tell me that the divorce
is already in the hopper?
Well, I didn't want to
put it in a letter.
You have no idea how much
that upset your Aunt Barbara.
Aunt Barbara knows?
Aunt Barbara, Reverend Holyoke, uh,
Price Adams,
and, of course, your brother.
- Who's Price Adams?
- He cuts my hair.
So, what, Mom, I'm like the last
person in the world to know?
Yes.
I suppose I did put off telling you,
but you know how upset you can get.
You don't happen to have
an ashtray, do you?
Mother, don't you think you and Dad
should just talk this through?
I mean, you don't - you don't walk
away from a marriage after 30 years.
- Thirty-two.
- Well, all the more reason.
We've been thinking about it.
That's why we took that trip
to the islands at Christmas.
Oh. The plate.
We wanted to hash things out.
See if there was anything
worth salvaging.
Christmas.
So, you mean the Christmas I spent
like an orphan, you and Dad were-
Trying to stir the embers
of a relationship too long dead.
It was fine as long as you kids were in
the house and then getting you launched.
But after you were gone,
there I was in that big house, alone.
And it was just as lonely
with him there.
You were the one who said
my whole life was one big sublimation.
Deep breathing and origami classes.
Hospital auxiliary and theJunior League.
Yeah, Mom, but you never
chose to listen to me then.
I mean, what's made you
decide to listen to me now?
Your father and I haven't slept
together in six and a half years.
What? Well, there was that one
night after the G.M. testimonial,
but we'd had quite a bit to drink.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
l-I don't want to hear this.
I mean, I can't believe
you're saying this.
And even when the sex was nice,
it wasn't that nice.
I mean, you know how Frank is.
Methodical, wooden.
Whatever creativity he had
went into the hatchback.
Mother, please.!
I've still got 25 or 30 years.
There's a whole world beyond
the Grosse Pointe Country Club,
and I want to experience it.
Hike to a lava flow. See the pyramids.
The pyramids? In Egypt?
Well, okay, Mexico.
But why not Egypt too?
Mother, are you okay?
I mean, are you having
a nervous breakdown?
Y- You're talking about Mexico,
you're using a plate as an ashtray,
and you're discussing
all of this like your
roses have come down with "aah-phids."
"Ay-phids."
When I first told your brother, I cried.
I bawled my eyes out for three hours.
Well, you're not crying now.
Well, it gets easier.
Listen, I'm sorry. L - I think I have
to get out of here. I understand.
Is it okay if I wash my hair?
Sure. Fine.
Do you have a clean towel?
Hmm?
You still lookin' for a cow, Chris?
Yeah.
Might have one.
Brown Swiss with a bad disposition.
Bring her by. We'll give
her a look-see. All right.
Thanks, Gary. No problem.
There he goes. The Pied Piper of Cicely.
Don't you think we should try
and stop him? Why is that, Joel?
Well, hurtling live animals,
Ruth-Anne-isn't it illegal?
Well, Chris does venture
farther out than some of us,
but he usually ends up
with something pretty interesting.
Fine. Did my blood bags come in?
No. Oh, but you have some magazines.
New Yorker and Golf Digest.
Ah, four months old. Great.
I get to know
what I already know about the Ryder Cup.
Oh, and your Atlantic Monthly is
here. I was reading it in the back.
Look at this-the Hawaiian Open.
I'm stuck here with flying cows,
these people are sinking putts
under palm trees.
Look at that green green. Mm.
Larry Coe? What?
Of course! Larry Coe.
Th-The guy who sweeps the chimneys.
The chimney sweep is Larry Coe.
Bob? Yeah, Bob.
Bob is Larry. Larry is Bob.
The golfer, Larry Coe, is Bob.
That doesn't look like Bob.
Well, no, that- that's, uh, Greg Norman.
I'm talking about Larry Coe.
Terrific player.
Came out of Florida
with these straight, long woods.
I don't know, Joel.
Bob's been cleaning chimneys
around here for some time.
How long? Oh, five, six years.
Yeah, that'd be just about right.
That's when it happened. What?
Well, he's playing the Masters, right?
This is the Kentucky Derby of golf.
It's his first major. He's
got victory in the palm of
his putter. It's him and-and
Kevin Quass on the 18th.
Larry Coe hits the green
from deep out in the rough, right?
An impossible shot.
Quass is in the trap,
two down. He chips a golden ferret.
Come again?
He holes in from-from the sand trap. Oh.
The ball rolls in,
the crowd goes berserk.
Okay? Now, Larry, all he's gotta
do is sink a three-foot putt.
He's done it a thousand times.
It's practically
a gimme, and he's won the Masters.
What happened? He blew it.
Oh, dear.
A hundred million people
watchin' on TV, zillions of
dollars in endorsements,
and he blew the Masters.
He left the game.
Nobody ever heard from him again.
Oh, poor Bob.
Yeah. Wow, Larry Coe.
Why should I care anyway, right?
They're down there. I'm up here.
I mean, I'm a big girl.
I'm a grown-up. A pilot.
I mean, Mom and Dad have
their own relationship to work out.
What does it have to do with me?
Nothing.
Plenty. I mean, Holling, I
thought we came from a happy home.
I have pictures of us,
you know, at Christmas,
Thanksgiving - all the big holidays.
And we were smiling.
I mean, we were happy.
I mean, we really looked like
we were havin' a good time.
Were you? Well, I thought we were.
Obviously I was wrong.
What about you, Holling? Were your
folks happy? I honestly can't say.
Let me tell you something. You were
smart not to come to any conclusions,
because I assumed we were,
and it was a big mistake.
No, it isn't that. Maggie,
happiness just wasn't part
of the job description back then.
You tried to find a helpmate to keep
the cold wind and the dogs at bay.
Happiness just wasn't part
of the equation.
Survival was. Yeah, but, Holling,
I didn't live then. I live now.
And I thought I had it, and
now I found out that I didn't,
and how would I even know what it was?
Happiness? Not that I want the kind
of relationship they had anyway.
No? Are you kidding?
With their matching
little pink crew-neck sweaters...
and their cold little martinis and
their big little green manicured lawns.
Well, if you don't want to be
like them, then what's the problem?
The problem?
Holling, what's the problem?
The problem is that all my
life I've been rebelling
against something that
didn't even exist.
Yeah.
- Hey.!
- Ho.!
How's it goin'?
Well, I got a small skeleton up here.
Looks like a squirrel.
Hey, Bob? Yeah?
Look, um-
I know who you are.
Yeah, l-I said I know who you are.
You're Larry Coe. Hmm?
Come on. I've seen your picture
in Sports Illustrated.
I've watched you a million times on TV.
Oh, man. I knew it. I
knew you were somebody.
I couldn't put my finger on it.
I thought
maybe Richmond Hill High
or Camp Indian Head,
and then l-I'm reading Golf Digest.
It is a pleasure to meet you.
Do you know I have
followed your career since
your junior win in '78?
I remember Maybrook. What,
it was, uh, the summer of'82.
You hit that drive, you cleared the
water and the bunker on the 15th hole...
with a what, a three
iron, right? It was a five.
A five iron? Really? Do you know,
uh, the TV said it was a three iron.
Hey, how about the back nine
in Pebble Beach? What a charge!
Suppose you saw the Masters. Augusta
Nationals. It was my favorite course.
I mean, I remember the moment clearly.
Sunday afternoon, Elaine and I,
we're sitting in front of the TV.
She's doin' the Times crossword
puzzle. She couldn't believe it.
Neither of us could.
You had that in the bag.
The ball just-just broke off
to the right.
Where you goin'? Somewhere, anywhere.
Right now? You're not done, are you?
You know, it's not enough that I come in
here and clean your
chimney for you, is it?
I can clean your flue.
I could be the nicest guy in the world.
All you see is some choke artist
with a putter in his hand.
Simple laundry detergent will
cut through that creosote.
What's happening?
What's happening? What? What?
It's a fire. Fire? Where?
Uh, south corner of
Katunic and Washington.
Katunic and Washington.
Katunic and Washington?
That's my house.
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry, Maggie. It's
too far gone. Mother?
Mary-Margaret.! Mother?
Oh! Oh, God, Mother, are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine. Oh, thank God!
I'm so sorry. No, Mom. I'm
sorry. There was faulty wiring.
Oh, I'm so stupid. No, Mother,
will you stop apologizing?
It's not your fault. Yes, it is.
No, it's not. Yes. It is.
It was an accident, sweetheart.
What do you mean it was an accident?
l- I left the towel on the space heater.
It was damp.
I'm sorry. You-You started that fire?
You started that fire? I'm sorry.
You're sorry? You burned my whole
house down, and you're sorry?
Mary-Margaret, now, stop
it. Get a grip on yourself.
Here's some squishy pillows
and my old blanket from home.
You'll be surprised
how comfortable this pool table is.
I have no pillows. I have nothing.
I have no underwear.
If I had a pet, it would be dead.
Well, you could probably stay here
as long as you need to.
Everything I had was in that house.
I have nothing.
I feel nothing. I am nothing.
It could've been really bad.
Your mom could've cooked.
Mother. Ohhh-
You know, she comes into town
for two minutes, and what does she do?
She burns my house down!
Mothers are supposed to
help their children.
They're supposed to protect them.
They're not supposed to come into town,
tell them they're getting divorced,
and then burn down
their daughters' houses!
You know, first she ruins my life,
and then she ruins my life!
Maybe you should talk to her.
Maybe not.
- Hi, Marilyn.
- Hi. I bring stuff.
Look! Look what Marilyn
brought you, Maggie-stuff!
From my tribe.
Look, there's a shirt and some pants.
A blender. Looks like
everybody chipped in.
Uh-huh. Because she's homeless.
Oh, wow, look at these.
Hello, Chris. Hey, Ed.
I bought that cow
on the side of the road for you.
Ooh, nice.
Soft energy too.
Got my cow, Ed. Right back there.
- The fat one.
- Yep.
- Well, she's pretty.
- No, man, she's perfect.
- Black and white.
- Yin and yang.
Just like the one in Monty Python.
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
You know, the
crusaders are storming the
castle with a catapult.
Really? A catapult? Yep.
And then they hurled this cow right at
that castle with the catapult. Pow!
Th-They flung a cow with a catapult?
Oh, yeah.
Right over the castle wall. Pow!
Ed, you sure about this?
Well, it might not have been a real cow.
I mean, a live one anyway.
Oh, man. Yeah.
Right at that castle wall. Pow.
I guess that's it then. Yeah.
What's what then?
It's done. It's finished, Ed. It's over.
What? The cow.
Somebody got there first.
Well-You mean, you're not
gonna fling the cow now?
What's the point, Ed?
It's already been flung.
So?
So, Ed, how would you like to make
Take the Money and Run?
Oh, Woody already made-
Oh.
Maybe you could fling a pig.
The ironic thing is...
fire is warmth.
Fire is life. It gives light,
and you can cook things with it.
But it can turn on you.
Look what happened to Maggie.
Yeah, and it stinks too.
You can smell it all over town.
I'm gonna have a conversation
with her insurance agent.
I think he's draggin' his heels
on this thing.
Her mom kind of did her a favor
though. She never did like that place.
- Said it has no flow.
- What is flow?
I don't know.
It refers to the juxtaposition
of one room to another.
Like, uh, the, uh,
kitchen to the dining room.
Maggie doesn't have a dining room.
- Maybe she can get one now.
- Hmm. Yeah.
Hello, Joel. We were just
talking about Maggie's fire.
Wiped the poor girl out.
Yeah, it's, uh-It's really terrible.
It's just a terrible thing.
Listen, um - You guys know the
guy who sweeps the chimney?
- Bob?
- Yeah, Bob.
- Except he's not Bob. He's Larry Coe.
- Who's Bob?
The golfer, Larry Coe. You've
heard of "Oh, no" Coe, Maurice.
He blew the Masters. Choked on a putt.
Yeah, golf can be
a very frustrating sport.
I remember when I was playing
with Aldrin. I shot an 83-
Yeah, l-I'm talkin' about the Masters.
The man blew his whole career.
Maybe he wanted to.
No, I don't think so, Shelly.
Winning's not for everybody,
Dr. Fleischman.
Some people are happier in the woodwork.
Or the chimney.
You don't understand.
You don't walk away from golf.
Golf is a-a devotion.
It's a-It's a calling.
Larry Coe was good.
He could have been great.
Now he is- he's sweeping chimneys.
Oh, I don't know, Joel.
A man can get stuck on a thing.
People ought to change
careers every couple
of decades or so. Keeps things fresh.
- Yeah.
- I'm talkin' to myself.
Hi, Dr. Fleischman. Uh-huh.
Bye, Dr. Fleischman.
Poor Chris. He was right in
the beam, and now he's lost.
Yeah, I thought I'd heard
everything from Stevens.
Now he gets this crackbrained idea
about flingin' a cow.
Oh, he-he's not gonna fling the cow now.
- He isn't?
- Why not?
On account of it's already been flung.
Without us?
Chris didn't fling the cow.
Monty Python did.
So now Chris is just
sittin' there, depressing.
- Seems to be goin' around.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Go away. Margaret.
I'm still your mother. I can't look at
you, Mother. L - I can't
even talk to you.
I understand, dear.
Mother, do not smile like that.
Do not do that.
Doesn't it feel kind of good?
What? You hated that house.
So? So now you can build a new one.
Mother, if anybody's gonna burn my
house down, I'll be the one to do it.
In a way, you're lucky.
Lucky? Mm-hmm.
I waited until I was 58 until I burned
down my house, and I loved that house.
I wished I'd done it sooner.
Mother, you don't seem to understand.
It's not a question of whether I liked
the house or I didn't like the house.
It was my house, Mother. Mine.
Mother, I am upset.
I am very, very angry!
Oh, I know you are.
I thought about it once.
Thought about what?
It was at the house on Yorkshire Road.
You must have been two.
You were in the high chair.
We were in the kitchen.
I was standing at the stove, cooking.
You almost burned the house down?
You mean, this is some sort of pattern?
Well, it was only a little fire.
Really. Just a potholder.
I put it out almost immediately.
Maggie, don't do what I did.
Don't sit in your house
and wait for it to burn down.
Do it now. Rip it up by the roots.
Blow the lid off.
Go out and meet your life.
Don't wait for it to come to you.
Mother, I live in Alaska.
I fly a plane.
I know you do, dear.
Hey, Larry. Dr. Fleischman.
Oh, I, uh, finished your cabin.
Put a wire mesh over the cap.
Should keep it clear.
Have somebody check it out next
year though. Well, can't you do it?
Oh, I got a couple of
more jobs, and I'm outta here.
Where you goin'?
Greenland. Greenland?
You told everybody, didn't you? Well-
Bet you even called
your friends in New York.
J-Just my friend Bernie
and m-my cousin Mickey.
Okay, my roommate
from college, but that's it.
You know, I liked it here too.
Liked the job. Liked the people.
So stay.
I can't stand the look on their
faces when they see me comin'.
Pity, dread. "There but
for the grace of God, go I."
Hey, Larry?
What happened?
How'd you miss the putt?
You want to know what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
I don't know what happened.
So, what're you gonna do?
Give back your cows,
and, uh, torch your catapult?
You got a better idea?
I don't believe you, Stevens.
So what if that Python guy flung a cow?
You go out and fling a cow.
Hell, fling two or three cows.
You don't understand, Maurice.
Repetition, it's the death of art.
It's been done.
All right then. Think of
something else to fling.
What do you think,
inspiration grows on trees, hmm?
Like-Like a formula? You put a
little in a beaker, stir it up?
An artist has to dig down deep in his
guts, Maurice, and pull it out, okay?
That's hogwash, Stevens.
- Have you ever been to Rome?
- Nope.
Well, there's this little place in Rome
called the Sistine Chapel.
There was a guy who laid on his back
for two and a half years...
paintin' the ceiling of that place,
gettin' paint in his eyes.
Do you think he cried at the first
sign of trouble? Hell, no, he didn't.
You remind me of some guys
I knew in combat.
Guys that were scared to death-
had all the starch taken out of'em.
If you run up on an obstacle,
you go through it, you go under it,
you go over it, you go around it.
You do not sit on your butt
and feel sorry for yourself.
Chris, if you want to
feel sorry for yourself,
think about Maggie.
That girl is sittin' over there
in a pile of rubble.
- She's lost everything.
- Rubble?
Yeah. Scene of total devastation.
Every act of creation's
an act of destruction.
Yeah. Right.
Well, that's what-
that's what Picasso said.
All right, whatever.
Look here, Stevens.
Do you think Maggie's gonna
take this thing layin' down?
Hell, no, she's not gonna
take it layin'down.
She's gonna get up,
she's gonna dust herself off,
and she's gonna build
a new life out of those ashes.
Exactly.
This art's kind of a
girlie thing, Chris,
but if you don't want
to lose your manhood
completely, you can't let
this swallow you up.
Now, I want you to go out there
and fling something.
You're right. You're right. Thank you.
Yeah. Now-And get
a good night's sleep. And-
And you might consider takin' a bath.
It's gettin' a little ripe around here.
- Chris?
- Hey.
What are you doin' here? I don't know.
I don't know. Just here.
Look at this.
My entire life is reduced to cinders.
Pair of shoes. Shoes?
Nice pair. Green.
Yeah?
They're not mine. They're my mother's.
Can you believe this?
My entire life goes up in cinders,
and my mother's Ferragamos
survive completely intact.
Oh, no.
Oh, my dioramas.
Rick's shrine. His shrine.
And now he's melted. And look.
Dave. He's melted into Rick's head.
Rick's foot is in Bruce's back.
Every man I've ever been involved with
is now merged into one big blob.
Can I have that? This?
For my catapult.
You wanna fling the blob?
No, no. I want to
stick that on the front.
Okay. Thank you.
You know what, Maggie? I envy you.
You envy me? That's right.
This is beautiful. Huh?
It's like we're standing at the center
of some... primordial ooze.
Like the world at the dawn of creation.
This is my living room, Chris.
It's not exactly the dawn of creation.
This is what it's all about, Maggie.
Destruction and creation.
The scarred battlefield oflife.
Up from the ashes-whoosh-
rises the phoenix.
Up from the skin rises...
a new snake.
Chris, what are you talking about?
- Chris?
- There.
Where?
- There it is.
- What?
My piano?
Isn't she magnificent?
She?
She's a scorched,
destroyed Mason and Hamlin...
that was never- and now
will never be-in tune.
You know, you look
and you look and it's dark.
You don't know what you're looking
for, or if you're going to find it,
or even if it exists,
and now, all of a sudden-
Can I have it? Be my guest.
You made it. Thanks for
comin'. Yeah. What's up?
Um, I was thinkin' - I
feel really bad you're
leavin'. I kind of feel
like it's my fault.
It is. Yeah, I know.
Would you mind comin'
with me for a minute?
I'm kinda rushed.
I got a couple of houses left to do.
Hey, five minutes, tops. Please.
Yeah, okay. All right. Thanks.
It's just- It's just right up here.
Lit a fire in the cabin last night.
Smoke went right up the chimney.
Yeah? Kind of toasty, actually.
Hi, Bob- Larry.
Okay, here we are. What is this?
This is Augusta, Larry.
This is the 18th hole.
You gotta be kiddin'.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Bear with me. Have a seat.
Give me two minutes
of your time. That's it.
Just two minutes.
Okay, picture this-
It's April, Sunday afternoon.
Sky's blue, dogwoods in bloom.
- Light breeze blowing right to left.
- Left to right.
Okay, good. Quass just
holed out. Crowd's cheering.
Still your game though, Larry.
Still your game.
Pin is on the far portion
of the green, downhill lie.
I read it straight.
Titleist 2.
About right here, Larry?
Three feet from the cup?
It's your shot, Larry.
What is this supposed to be,
some sort of psycho-drama?
Exactly.
You think if I sink the putt,
it's all gonna just disappear?
Who knows? I think
you lost your confidence.
What could it hurt? Come on, Larry.
What do ya got to lose?
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry Coe approaches his lie.
Steps up. A little practice putt.
He's over the ball nicely now.
He takes his time. No need to rush.
There's no pressure. Absolutely
no pressure. Zippo. Nada.
Okay, here we go. Concentrating.
He eyes the distance to the cup.
Takes a nice, deep breath.
Lets it out.
Slowly brings back the putter and-
Taps it in. Yeah! Yes, sir!
- Congratulations.
- Feel better now?
- Much.
- Good.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- I'm fine.
The house is lovely.
Maurice has been very generous.
Well, brought you your shoes.
Shoes?
Yeah, they're the only thing
that survived the fire.
My green pumps.
Well, how do you like that.
I have always sworn by Ferragamos.
Some people don't like this heel.
What do you think?
I think they're fine.
I've had these shoes for ages.
I bought them at-
at that little shop
at the bottom of the hill.
- What's the name of it?
- Wayland's.
That's right.
I bought a pair in black,
neutral and these.
Good shoes are so important.
Ferragamos, Robert Clergerie.
They cost more, but they last forever.
Mother, I don't care
about your Ferragamos!
I know. But I do.
I know I made a mess of things.
But it wasn't on purpose.
Oh, uh,
if your brother calls back, tell him
I'll call him when I get to Bordeaux.
Bordeaux? France?
Yes, France.
I'm going on a Butterfield
and Robinson bicycle tour.
We're following the Dordogne River all
the way to Breve. Doesn't it sound fun?
Yeah.
But, uh, you know, Mother,
you-you could, uh,
stick around here for
a few days, if you wanted.
Oh. I'm all booked.
If I don't get there,
th-they'll leave without me.
Then what are you gonna do?
You mean afterward?
I really don't know.
Sounds like a plan.
Yeah.
Welcome, everybody. Welcome.
Thanks for coming today.
I guess you know I've been
out here now for some days...
groping my way along,
trying to realize my vision here.
I started concentrating so hard
on my vision that, uh, I lost sight.
Come to find out
that it's not the vision.
It's not the vision at all.
It's the groping.
It's the groping. It's the yearning.
It's the moving forward.
I was so fixated on that flying cow...
that when Ed told me
Monty Python already
painted that picture, I
thought I was through.
I had to let go of that cow so I could
see all the other possibilities.
Anyway, I want to thank Maurice
for helping me to let go of that cow.
Thank you, Maurice,
for playing Apollo to my Dionysus...
in art's Cartesian dialectic.
And thanks to you, Ed,
'cause the truth shall set us free.
And, Maggie, thank you for sharing
in the destruction of your house...
so that today we can
have something to fling.
I think, uh, Kierkegaard
said it, oh, so well-
"The self is only that which
it's in the process of becoming."
Art, same thing.
James Joyce had something
to say about it too.
"Welcome, O life!
"I go to encounter for the millionth
time the reality of experience...
"and to forge in the
smithy of my soul...
the uncreated conscience of my race."
We're here today to fling
something that bubbled up...
from the collective unconsciousness
of our community.
Ed, you about ready?
The thing I learned, folks-
this is absolutely key-
it's not the thing you fling,
it's the fling itself.
This is so cool!
Let's fling something, Cicely!
One. Two.
Three.
Neat.
- That's interesting.
- Nice.
Well, I'll be.
Incredible!
Yeah.