Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 2, Episode 6 - War and Peace - full transcript

Waiting on a Denver easy.

French toast, bacon,
short stack, ham. Working.!

Where's the filters?
Who moved the coffee filters? Dave?

They're right here, hon.

Haven't you people got anything else
to do but watch me live?

Waiting.!

Everybody has trouble sleeping once
in a while. It's nothing unusual.

Where the hell
is that Denver easy, Dave?

And try to make some corn bread
that won't fall apart in your hands!

Hey, that's it! That's it! I quit! Good!

It's not my fault your dreams are
attacking you. Are you still here?



Holling Vincoeur,
this has got to stop.

You need help.
Go see Dr. Fleischman.

Fat lot of good he'll do me.
Well, do something,

because if you don't, you're gonna just do
your tossing and turning on the sofa!

Dave, wait up!

Hey, Dave, get back here.!

- Nikolai!
- Shelly!

I'm so glad to see you.
Hey, Christopher!

Hey, hey, mister.!
Good to see you.

Ed. Here, directly from Russia,
Pertsovka vodka.

Ooh! Pepper vodka.

Wow!

Christopher Abrahamovich,
my friend,

I brought you something
very special.



For your music collection.

"Josephine Baker Live
at the Folies Bergere. "

Oh!

Nikolai Ivanovich,
thank you very much.

- Shelochka.
- Oh, Nikolai!

And for you, Margarita Margaritichka,
silk stockings that you like...

with a seam.
Oh, Nikolai, you shouldn't have.

Ahh! And there is something
for you, Ed.

Hey, it's a- it's a- What?

Piece of the cinema history.

This yarmulke belonged to Woody
Allen's grandfather, Cantor Konigsberg.

Try it on.
Wow!

Very nice! Very nice!
Hey!

Hey.! Holling, my old friend.

Oh, it's so nice to see you.

And you think I'd forget
your present, huh? Well-

No. To you, I give
my own father's hunting cap.

Ivan Borisovich Appolanov
wore this cap...

hunting duck with Gorky
in the Caucuses.

He also died wearing this cap
at Stalingrad.

And he wore it in the best bordellos
of Odessa, but that's a different story.

Wait a minute.
It's not July yet. Is it?

No, no, my Nabokovian jewel.
It is not.

- Kolya, why are you here?
- Hmm.

I was on a train in Siberian Alps.

And we rounded a bend,
and I looked up,

and there was this moon.

Such a moon!
Big and yellow.

It almost broke my heart.

And there was moonlight
on the tracks,

moonlight on the dark forest,

moonlight picking out footprints...

on small animals on the snow.

And I was thinking to myself,

"I want to be in Cicely.

I want to be with my friends. "

So I pulled the emergency brake,
the train stop, and here I am.

Besides, Goskoncert
messed up all my bookings.

I'm seriously thinking
of going with Mike Ovitz.

So, how is the old bulldog?

Maurice went fishing.
He's way out to Cold Bay.

Must have felt it in his bones
I was coming.

Hey, let's all have a drink!

Hey! To my friends!

Nastrovia.!
Nastrovia.!

All right, girls.
Let's get this show on the road.

Ruth-Anne, many thanks.
Always a pleasure to do business...

with a woman who understands
fair retail value.

I'll see you next month,
Father Duncan.

And your sacramental incense will
probably be in by then. Good. Thank you.

Thank you.
Hi, Ruth-Anne.

Hello, Ed.

Did Mr. Landon bring back
Potemkin yet? Potemkin?

It isn't time for
the Russian Film Festival.

He isn't!
He is.

Nikolai here, in Cicely?

Lightfeather Duncan, save the
perusal of literature for a rainy day.

No telegram? No flowers?
No warning at all?

The caravan leaves
in three seconds, Lightfeather.!

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Nikolai, shame on you.!

Well, how's he looking? Is he
as handsome as ever? Uh-huh.

Kolya, you devil.

I'm gonna close the store early
and get Dolores to fix my hair.

Oh, no!
Lightfeather!

Here, see if you can catch her.
Me?

Yes, you, Ed.
Quick, quick. Come on.

Whoa!
Yeah?

Lightfeather forgot her broom.

Lightfeather, your broom is here.

You forgot this.

Now I'll have to sweep out the barn.

Well, you try warm milk?

Yeah.
Yeah?

What about the Julio Iglesias tapes?
Yeah.

Try counting sheep?
I sleep fine, Joel.

I just don't get any rest.
It's those dreams.

They keep coming at me hour
after hour, night after night.

Trains, rainstorms,
bacon, skyscrapers-

Bacon?
Sizzling.

There's this raccoon...
with a shower cap on.

No wonder you're exhausted.

But with blood pressure like this,
you'll probably live forever.

I told Shelly you wouldn't be able to do
me any good. Now, hold on, there, Holling.

Your problem's unusual, I admit.

But there are a variety of procedures
indicated. We could do a sleep lab E.E.G.,

track your brain waves,
get some REM data.

We could if this were civilization.

Or, we could start you on a course
of intensive Freudian therapy.

Take, say, 10 or 12 years.

Cost you a couple hundred thou.

- Or you could take a few of these.
- What are they?

Valium.
Sleeping pills?

A very mild sedative.

After a good night's sleep,
things will look much better.

You sure those things are safe, Joel?

I mean, they're not gonna
make me crazy?

This is Valium, Holling,
not L.S.D.

Try it for a couple weeks.

I won't dream? If you do, you'll
be too relaxed to care. Okay?

Okay.
Okay.

You're the doctor.
I am the doctor.

Morning, Cicely. As everybody knows,

Mother Nature hates stasis.

She's always sending down a flood or an
earthquake, a hedonist to shake things up.

Well, guess what
she sent us last night?

That's right, our old friend
Nikolai Ivanovich Appolanov,

months early
and not a moment too soon.

So cook up your best borscht
and rosin up those bows.

And for my part, I'm gonna commence
with the continuation...

of our annual reading of War and
Peace soon as I can find the book.

Meanwhile, comrades, privet
and dosvedanya for now.

Privet to you too, Ed.
What's up?

Oh, I'm in love. In love? That's
great. Who's the lucky girl?

Lightfeather Duncan.
I met her over at Ruth-Anne's.

Well, I didn't really meet her.
We just kind of saw each other.

Well, that's terrific, man.
Congratulations.

Thanks. What do I do now? Call her up.

- Let the mating rites begin.
- I don't have a phone.

- Well, why don't you just go see her then?
- Oh, no.

I couldn't do that,
not without an invitation.

All right, I know.
Why don't you write her a letter?

A letter? Yeah, that's a
really good plane to connect on.

There's a whole epistolary tradition
with, uh, Zelda and F. Scott,

and Robert and Elizabeth Browning.

Okay. What should it say?

Well, why don't you tell
her how you feel? Okay.

- How do I feel?
- Um, you probably feel like you can't wait till you see her again.

Right. You know, time's
probably crawling by.

- You probably lost your appetite.
- Right, right! Do it.

What?
Write the letter.

You want me to write the letter?

Well, I'll write it.
You just tell me what to say.

Uh, no way, Ed. No.
Mm-mmm.

Come on, Chris.
Now, you're very good with words.

Better than anybody in Cicely.

You're a professional,
and you know a lot about women.

Well- Yeah, that's true.

Hey.
Uh, Dr. Fleischman.

Hi, Shelly. I just thought I'd
drop by, see how Holling's doing.

How's he doing?
Oh, out like a light.

Everything okay?

Fine, fine.
Everything's fine.

You're closed?
It's 4:00 in the afternoon.

Closed?

What's going on in there?
I hear people laughing.

Well- Okay.

Since you're alone,
I guess you can come in.

- What's going on?
- We're having a party for Nikolai.

Who's Nikolai?
Come on.

Hey, Joel!
Get down here and have some fun, huh?

Come on.!
Have a drink, Joel.!

Dr. Fleischman,
this is Nikolai Ivanovich Appolanov.

- Nikolai, this is Dr. Fleischman. He's our doctor.
- Hello, Doctor.

- Nikolai Ivanovich Appolanov?
- Yes. Welcome to our festivities. Have a chair.

The Nikolai Ivanovich Appolanov?

- Chris, vodka for the good doctor.
- Wait a minute. Wow. This is-

This is amazing. This is incredible.
Hey, I'm-I'm thrilled.

No. I saw you in New York a
couple years ago. Carnegie Hall?

Right. Right.
My fianc?e, Elaine-

Actually, it's my ex-fianc?e, Elaine-
made me go.

Not that I didn't want to go, but her mother,
who's a big fan of yours, wanted us to go.

And, actually, I was-
I was somewhat skeptical at first, but-

Man, you are-you are great!

You are really great.
What are you doing here?

Did-Did your plane have to make
an emergency landing, or-

You didn't defect, did you?
What?

He comes every year, Joel.

- Here?
- Yeah.

To Cicely?
Right.

I know this is probably
a stupid question, but why?

Why? Fleischman, in Russia,
this man is an icon.

Wherever he goes,
he's smothered by an adoring mob.

In a way- In a way,
he's a prisoner of his own fame.

- Yeah. Here, he can relax.
- Be himself.

- No pressure.
- Have a piroshki.

Thank you.

What?

Maurice.!
I was told you went fishing.

The boat sank.

You're early.
Is that a problem?

No, it's no problem.

It's a shame about
your troubles in Mother Russia.

I hear your godless and corrupt
way of life's falling to pieces.

And how's the chess game, Maurice?

- It's fine.
- Hmm.

Maurice, sit down.
- Yeah, come on, guys.

Let's break the bread, drink the wine.
The borscht is fabulous.

Please, Maurice?
For me?

I'll have Kentucky bourbon
and branch water, if you please.

What is the problem here?

They hate each other.
Why?

Well, for one thing,
Nikolai keeps beating Maurice in chess,

and the other is he's a Trotskyite.

Let's have a song, Nikolai.
Come on.!

Yeah! Come on!

Yes!

Hey.
Holling? Shelly?

Hi, Dr. Fleischman.
Good morning, Joel.

How's the patient?
Great!

He slept straight through for 16 hours,
never even moved a muscle. Right, babe?

I don't know.
I- I don't remember.

Holling!
Holling?

Excuse me.
He's a little groggy, I guess.

I think it was that pill.
Well, y-

Obviously, you have a low tolerance. No problem. We'll just
- We'll cut the dose in half.

What's the point? I can't go
through life hiding from my dreams.

What kind of way to live is that?
I- I don't care anymore. It's-

Let them come.

Let them kill me if they want to.
I- I just don't- I don't care anymore.

Can dreams really kill a person,
Dr. Fleischman?

No, Shelly, they can't.

I- I don't think.

Hello. I'm Ed.
I got your note.

Pass me that bucket, will ya?

- What's this?
- It's a flower.

I was kind of hoping you'd bring me
another one of those letters.

I saw you when
you used to work at Dairy Delight.

Oh, yeah?

You had a name tag and a
pink uniform. Oh, yeah, right.

You've put on some weight since then.

- Oh, yeah, about 10 pounds.
- It looks good.

Thanks.

I read your letter
about a hundred times.

I keep it right here
ever since I got it.

You sure got a way with words, Ed.

Thanks.

All that stuff about your chopper.

"Should I compare you to my Harley hog?

You are more lovely, and powerful too. "

Where is it, anyway?
What?

Your hog.

Uh, I had to sell it.

Too bad.

"Your chrome dual exhausts,

"the curve of your fenders,

"the muscle in your engine.

"I wanna ride you over mountains,

"through blizzards,
across sandy deserts.

"I wanna feel your hot, roaring,
fuel-injected machinery under me.

"I wanna ride you, ride you,

ride you forever. "

Y- You do?

No, you do.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Mmm!
Whoa!

Maurice moves pawn to G-4.

White bishop to E-7.

He's threatening a mating combination.

Why didn't he play pawn to F-4?

F-4's vulnerable.

The bishop.
Oh.

How can you do a crossword puzzle
at a time like this?

This is considered
a spectator sport?

I've had more fun
watching slush melt.

It's a definite improvement,
Maurice.

I'm impressed.

Check.
Mate in two.

- Wait a minute. No!
- What?

- You dinged the timer, and then you moved.
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did!
- So what? I won the game.

Ding and move. Ding and move.
It's a typical, duplicitous, Russki trick!

- You lost.
- I was hoodwinked.

Oh, Mr. Jimmy Stewart.
Mr. John Wayne.

Americans never lose.

What about the Alamo? The Custer's
last stand? Bay of Pigs? The Sputnik?

- Sputnik?
- Yes, the Sputnik. We were there first.

We kicked your butt in space.

That's a damn lie!

You're calling me a liar?

I'm calling you
a liar and a cheat!

I demand satisfaction.!

Fine.

I'll shoot you then.

I've been wantin' to do that for years.

You know, when I was a kid,
I broke my leg.

I had to have a cast on for six months.

It itched like crazy.

I was always sticking this stick
down there, you know, to itch it.

I thought that felt good.
"I wanna ride you forever.

I wanna feel your hot, roaring,
fuel-injected machinery under me. "

One time during the winter,
I had to go hunting with Uncle Anku.

We were in the woods for weeks.

It was raining,
snowing and freezing.

We went home
and took a hot sauna and sweat.

I thought that felt really good.

But this?
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

"I wanna ride you forever
over mountains,

through blizzards,
across stormy deserts. "

Wow.
Lightfeather?

Yeah?

Would it be all right if, you know,
we did it again?

Give me words.

I wanna feel your hot,
fuel-injected engine-

Give me words!

Oh.!

Cigarette?

I haven't touched
one of those things in 20 years.

But, sure.
Why not?

I might get lucky and die of cancer.

You have a Russian soul, Holling.

- I'm a Canuck.
- You don't have to be a Russian to have a Russian soul.

Wild Bill Cody
had a Russian soul.

Dylan Thomas.
Al Pacino.

Maurice, he doesn't have
a Russian soul.

Empty.

A song with no words.

I would die of shame if
my life were as pointless as his.

You're probably gonna die anyway, Nikolai.
Maurice is a good shot, huh, Holling?

Things got out of hand
a little bit today, didn't they?

Things do.

It would be too cowardly
to back out now?

Oh, yeah. Yep.

Smart, but cowardly.

I used to have a regular soul.

I never dreamed.
I slept too.

Eight nice hours a night.
I was happy.

You know what Tolstoy did
when he was attacked by dreams?

He left his house-
his beautiful house-

his family, his books, manuscripts,

and he went out to the fields
to work with the peasants.

All day long, he pushed the plow.

Cut wheat till his hands bled.

And then he slept.
His dreams just left him alone.

Maybe I should do that.

You know,
work until I just am worn out.

No, Holling.

It was
- He did the crazy thing, you know? The reckless thing.

Yeah, he broke his bonds, you know?
He broke free.

Dostoyevsky- same thing.

He went out and worked in the fields?

No, no, no, no, no.

He gambled away
everything he ever owned.

"The place chosen for the duel
was some 80 paces...

"from the road on which
their sledges had been left...

"in a small clearing
in the pine wood,

covered with snow that had thawed in the
warmer weather of the last few days. "

If Pierre hadn't married- If Helene hadn't
cheated- If Pierre hadn't lost his temper-

Lot of ifs in this life.

The duel itself at our next reading
of War and Peace.

It's ironic, isn't it,

that this parallel universe
we call reality,

we kinda-
we've scripted in our own duel.

It makes you wonder
who's writing this book, huh?

Hey, Ed.
How's it going with Lightfeather?

Really good.
I'm gonna marry her.

- Wow. That's fast.
- You think it's too fast?

No, I think it's, uh-
I think it's great, you know?

Get a marriage under your belt. Get a
- Get a little family started, couple kids.

That's what life's all about, you know?
Yeah.

I was hoping
you could perform the ceremony.

I was thinking
next Saturday would be good.

That works for me.

I got some really nice Ramakrishna on the Ur
woman that I think would be great for Lightfeather.

'Cause, you know,
I- I picture her very Ur.

She's a very kind person.

Really nice too.
And strong.

That's why I'm gonna need
another letter.

What for?

Well, for the marriage proposal.

Oh, you mean,
you haven't asked her yet?

Well, it's kind of hard to think of things to
say when she's there. I need another letter.

Look, sooner or later,

you're gonna have to jump out
on your own with this woman.

All right?
Sooner or later,

you're gonna have to talk to her.
Why?

Why? Because that's, you know- That's what
married people do. They-They communicate.

All right, uh,
Ward and June Cleaver, right,

lying in those separate twin beds.

How many times did you see June
lean across that bedside table and say,

"Ward, I think you better
have a talk with the Beaver"?

Well, I saw Betty and Vern Kachemak
over here at the Wash 'n Dry.

They were doin'
seven loads of laundry.

They were there for about four hours, and
neither one of them said a word to the other one.

Well, except for Betty.
She kind of, well, grunted once.

And then Vern went over and put a
sheet of softener in the spin cycle.

Well, you know,
then again in the animal kingdom,

the male African bush bird only shows his
finest feathers during the mating rituals.

Once they do the deed, he's history.
You know what I mean?

Let's get you hitched.
All right!

You know, she really liked that stuff
about the motorcycle.

Sometimes, she makes
this funny little noise,

like when you rev an engine too high.

Maybe you could do
something with that.

Joel, you wanted to see me?
Holling, good.

Come on in.
Take a seat.

Listen, I've been reading up and making some
phone calls about this sleep disturbance of yours.

There's a REM research clinic
in Anchorage.

They're really interested
in your case.

Now, I figure we'll go down,
we'll spend two or three days.

There's a whole battery of tests
that they can run.

Thank you very much, Joel,
but that won't be necessary.

What?
You mean, you've been sleeping?

No, no.
The dreams abated?

No, they're worse than ever.
Well, what, then?

Holling, we have to address
this problem.

A man needs sleep
as much as food or water.

Joel, I am addressing it.
I've got it all figured out.

You-You do?

You have been searching in your medical books and
your journals for the answer of how to help me,

when all along
it was right there in front of us.

It was so clear and simple.
Oh, well, what-what is it?

Don't worry, Joel.
I know what I have to do.

Hey, Holling, are you okay?

I'm concerned about you. Sleep deprivation is
- It's a terrible thing.

It's actually used as a form of torture to break
people down. Now, it can cloud your judgment.

I don't think my mind
has ever been clearer.

The Yukatak Eskimos fasted for weeks...

in order to attain
this kind of mental clarity.

All right. You just promise me,
if you have any rash thoughts,

any depression, any anxiety,
anything, you-you come see me.

Not just as a physician,
but as your friend.

I appreciate your concern, Joel,

but I'm-I'm fine now.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

How about it, kids?
Are we ready to chow down?

Yes, sir.
Mm-hmm.

All right.

Let us give thanks for the blessings
we are about to receive,

especially for Sitting Deer's
mashed potatoes.

They look great. Amen.
That's it. Okay, dig in.

Ed, so you're, uh, just about graduated
from high school. What are your plans?

You know, doctor? Lawyer?
Candlestick maker?

Um, well,
I really don't have any plans.

Good. I like that.

I like a man without a plan.

- I wanna be a movie director.
- Now, that is an interesting line of work.

Ed, when you get out to Hollywood,
you do me a favor.

See what you can do about
improving the image of the clergy.

- Did you ever see Boys Town?
- Oh, yes.

Like that.
Something positive.

We left Pierre about to fight his duel
with Dolokhov. Pipe down, Sitting Birds.

It's time for War and Peace.
... that started when he fell for Helene.

I remember falling like that once,
only for me, it was a big old Harley hog.

Man, what a hot machine.
Damn bike almost killed me too.

Same way this love of Pierre's might now
lead him on a fuel-injected ride to hell.

Now for part the fourth,
chapter five of War and Peace.

"A feeling of dread was in the air.

"Dolokhov walked slowly,
not lifting his pistol,

"and looking intently with his clear,
shining eyes into the face of his antagonist.

"His mouth wore, as always,
the semblance of a smile.

"So when I like, I can fire, '
said Pierre. '"

? Home, home on the range?

? Where the deer and the antelope play?

? Where seldom is heard
a discouraging word?

? And the skies are not cloudy?

? All day?

He's gonna die tomorrow.
He's singing cowboy songs.

This is really barbaric,
O'Connell. It is barbaric.

There's no better word
to describe it than barbaric.

Barbaric.
Barbarism.

But, you know, it's important that
we try to understand the Russian soul.

Nikolai feels he has to defend his honor.

Honor?
You mean testosterone.

He's not the Count of Monte Cristo.
He's a-a pop singer.

You're not gonna get
an argument from me on this one.

I mean, just picture it.
The two of them facing each other...

in those bleak, stark,
barren woods.

Maurice is no better.
I told him the Cold War is over.

The icy winds blowing from the north
against the vast, still, gray skies.

He's out there target shooting all day.
I thought he was gonna shoot me.

Each man alone,
mortality their only companion,

confronting each other in battle
like ancient gladiators, like gods!

"By brute force of bayonets,

"the blood of the defenseless
flows in rivers.

"Young men setting forth today,

to you is entrusted the outraged honor
of Russian arms!"

You're into this, O'Connell.
This is turning you on!

- Oh, no, it isn't.
- But you're quoting Dr. Zhivago.

I'm just merely trying to understand
the Russian mindset, Fleischman.

Ruth-Anne, come here.

You're a rational human being.
Talk to Nikolai. Reason with him.

It is a tragedy, isn't it?
Yeah.

Well, here's the gun, nice and clean.

The gun?
Yes.

It was my second husband's.
Kolya's using it tomorrow.

You're giving Nikolai
the instrument of his own death?

Oh, Nikolai can hold his own.
He's a Greco-Roman bronze medalist.

Bottom line, Joel,
Nikolai has chutzpah.

Okay. Chicken Kiev.
Beef Stroganoff, no peas.

Shelly, you know this man better than
anybody. Please talk some sense into him.

It's gonna be really yucky
if he catches any lead.

When was the last time you knew a guy who's
willing to get his brains blown out over nothing?

Holling, you in there?
Yeah.

What happened, hon? You fall in?

No! Don't!

Don't what?
I know you like your naps...

and your blankie and-and doing
spoons with me and Hug Bear,

but it'll come back, hon.

We'll work it out.
This is not the way.

Shelly, I'm not going to kill myself.

You're not?
No.

I'm going to kill a moose.
A moose?

Yes, a moose.

But-But you said you weren't
gonna kill animals anymore.

You took a vow
before yourself and God.

Yes.

I guess that's one of my problems-
being cooped up here like a pet poodle.

It's time I broke out,
did the wild thing.

Like Tolstoy.

You Chris in the Morning?

Yeah, yeah.
Hi.

Hi.

Do I know you?
You wrote that letter.

What letter? "Dear Lightfeather,
Can I compare you to a Harley hog?"

Oh. Yeah, yeah, that letter.
Yeah.

That was good, really good.
I never read anything that good.

"I want to ride
your fuel-injected beauty forever. "

Wow. Yeah. Lightfeather, look, we don't
wanna get the singer confused with the song.

Oh, I like that. Say some more. Hey!

Whoa! Yeah, you're strong,
aren't ya?

Look, uh, I wrote that stuff for Ed.

You know, it's, uh
- That's how Ed feels about you, not me.

But I'm the motorcycle, right?

Those were my fenders,
my dual exhausts.

Yeah, sure, right.
But, you know, it's a question of ethics.

'Cause I'm trying to help this guy,
and-

It's not that I'm incapable
of stabbing a friend in the back.

You know,
I'm as guilty as anybody.

I'm just not prepared to do it
at this here particular time.

Why not?
Why not?

Uh, 'cause-
Look, no offense, Lightfeather,

but I gotta draw the line
at any indication of freckles.

It's not a value judgment.
It's just-

Well, for you, it's an accident of birth,
but for me it's a- arbitrary preference.

You think I like the way you look?
Or Ed?

I like guys with a little more meat
on their bones. Then what do you want?

I want the words.

The words?
"Hot, roaring machinery. "

"Swelling fuel tank. "

Oh, you like the words.

I never knew you could get
all that from a motorcycle.

I thought a motorcycle's
just a motorcycle.

No, no, no.
Writers have been doing it for years.

It's called
eroticizing the landscape.

From, uh, the Kamasutra
to-to Henry Miller.

There's even a French poet
named Baudelaire...

who did a lot of interesting stuff
with wet cat fur.

Wet cat fur?

Yeah, yeah.
Hey, why don't you sit down?

Lightfeather,
I tell ya what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna make you a reading list.

Plus, I'm gonna write you
one last letter.

Then you gotta go.

Good.
Okay.

I'm gonna compare you to a summer's day.

Huh!

Different strokes for different folks.
That's good. Write that.

Come.

I'll see you.

- Hey, Ed. Can I come in?
- No.

- You okay?
- No.

Look, man, I'm really sorry.

Yeah, well,
you wrote those letters...

and you let me go out there, and you
knew that she'd like you better than me.

No, I didn't. I didn't.
But you're right. It's no excuse.

'Cause I put some stuff
in the universe...

and it unleashed a chain of events,
and I blew it.

And I'm sorry.

Well, I guess I did kind of beg
you. It's okay. You can have her.

I- I don't want her.
You don't?

No.
Why not?

Well, there's nothing wrong with her.
I mean, don't get me wrong.

But karmically, you know,
forget it. You play, you pay.

You know, I always thought about
what it would be like.

But it was much different.
Much, much different.

What? What was?

Sex.
Oh.

It's like that movie Alien.
Everybody told me how good it was.

And then I saw it,

and it was much better than
anything I've ever thought it would be.

And I watched that movie four times,

and each time
you get something different from it.

You see something
that you didn't notice before.

I used to like movies.

Now, everything is just mud.

All right, look here.
I know you're not gonna believe this,

all right,
and I know you're hurting,

but this experience
is gonna transmute itself.

It is.

You do something like this
and it tears you apart,

but eventually it becomes
one of your fondest memories.

I remember my first trip
into the realm of the senses.

It was in Wheeling, West Virginia.
Trailer park near the sump.

I was seven years old,
but I, uh,

knew as much about life
at that moment as I'd ever know.

Well, they're late.
Let's go home.

Hey, here comes Maurice now.

Looks like a good day to die.

Where is the son of a bitch?

He's not here, Maurice, so that's that.
No duel.

Dobre utra, everybody!
Oh, you came, Maurice.

No, no, don't cry over me, my lovelies. I
lived, I loved. I'm at peace with the world.

I have sung my song. I saw the sun rise over
Machu Picchu, and the sun set over Acropolis.

Cut the chitchat, Nikolai.
Let's get on with it.

All right.

Anytime anyone wants
to intervene here, feel free.

Don't let me get in your way.

I didn't cheat, Maurice.
That's entirely possible.

You are apologizing?
Yes, yes, he's apologizing.

Aren't you, Maurice?
Yeah? Good.

Okay, shake hands.
We're all gonna go home.

No can do. Sorry.

Well, where do you want it, Nikolai?

Looks like a good spot down there.

Suit yourself.
It's your funeral.

Do-Do you guys know
what a bullet can do?

I was an intern at St. Vincent's.
I know bullet wounds.

It is not a small hole.
It is a messy hole.

It hits a bone, it could ricochet inside your
body. You know what kind of mess that makes?

You wanna give us room, Joel?

Listen, it hits a major organ-
liver, spleen, heart- you're dead!

You're dead!
The lung is especially horrible.

Air leaks out,
you get tension pneuomothorax.

The lung fills up and boom,
you drown in your own blood.

All right, so here's the drill.

On the count of three,
you take 10 paces, turn and fire.

Wait a minute!
You're facilitating this?

That's what a second
does, Fleischman. Okay.

Hey, I'm out of here.

Hope for a stomach wound,
or the intestines.

Then maybe, maybe I can save you,
unless peritonitis gets you first.

Huh?

It means good luck.
You too.

Okay.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine-

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
This is ridiculous.

Hey, we play to a very
sophisticated television audience.

They know Maurice is not gonna
kill Nikolai, and they definitely know...

that Nikolai is not gonna kill
Maurice. Wait a minute, Fleischman.

You can't just take it upon yourself to
step out of character. Nobody yelled, "Cut!"

Joel's right.
The duel is stupid.

Look, can we just stick
to the matter at hand?

How about the fifth revision?

Where-Where Nikolai's
abscessed tooth starts acting up,

and-and-
well, he just cancels?

Glib and textually unwarranted.

What if Maurice trips
and kills somebody else by mistake?

Oh, great.
So I'm a klutz now, huh?

Look, if there's not a duel,
then what is the point of this whole story?

What's the point?
The point is man's tendency to war.

But Joel here is asking us to step outside of
certain events and say, "Enough. " Am I right?

Listen, whatever.
It's gettin' cold out here.

Why don't we go on to the next scene?
It's a pretty good one.

All right.

My princess.
Oh, will you marry me?

That's my girl, you fiend.

It's such fun
having Nikolai come to town.

Something interesting's
always happening.

Yeah. The molecules shift. Then
everything goes back to normal.

But then everything's different.
That's exactly it.

And one more thing. We've
achieved d?tente for one more year.

Holling!

I almost busted a gut
waiting for you to come home.

Are you finished doing
the wild thing like Tolstoy, babe?

I sure am.

What ya got there?
That is my young stag.

Shelly, I was sitting out in the woods.
My gun was ready and loaded.

I was downwind of the slough.
I was really prepared.

And then suddenly,
I just fell asleep.

I don't know how long.
But when I opened my eyes...

the sun was about to set,
and there he was.

You didn't kill him.
No, I didn't.

By then, I didn't need to. Shelly, I didn't
need to go out there and kill anything.

I just needed to go out there.

Shell, I fell asleep...

and I slept without dreams.

I hate this business
of stepping out of the scene.

But you were impressive.
You really took the bull by the horns.

I didn't know you had it in you.
Really?

Yeah.
Oh, come on, Fleischman.

You're usually complaining
about this or that.

But sometimes in a pinch,

or if you're in your office giving some poor
kid a flu shot, you surprise me, Fleischman.

Are you flirting with me?

I'm just merely saying that beneath
that whiny, abrasive exterior of yours,

I sometimes get a tiny, eensy glimpse
of something almost manly.

Hi, Chris.
How you doing?

Oh, I feel bad.

But I guess it feels kind of good.

I think I'm startin'
to transmute the experience already.

Yeah. You were apple juice.
Now, you're apple cider.

? What'll I do?

? When you are far away?

? And I am blue?

? What'll I do?

? What'll I do?

? When I am wondering?

? Who?

? Is kissing you?

? What'll I do?

? What'll I do?

? With just a photograph?

? To tell my troubles to?

? When I'm alone?

? With only dreams of you?

? That won't come true?

? What'll I do?

? That won't come true?

? What'll I do?