Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 2, Episode 1 - Goodbye to All That - full transcript

This is Chris in the Morning.
The weather's typical
for this time of year.

Some of you may have heard
that nice little cypress tree
out at Kipnuk Lake...

fell over last Friday night
and flattened my trailer
like the proverbial pancake,

causing me to join the growing ranks
of the nation's homeless.

That's the bad news.
The good news is I no longer
have to carpool to work.

Courtesy of Maurice Minnifield,
I'm-- Well, for only a small deduction
from my salary--

I'm living here at the station
until spring thaw when I can repair
my beautiful home.

Thank you, Maurice.
In other important social notes,

Cicely's own Dr. Fleischman
plans a two-week vacation...

to see his fianc?e Elaine
in the Big Apple.

Hello to Elaine from all of us, Doc.



Alaska paid for Joel's education,
now he pays us back...

with the finest in the cutting-edge
of medical care.

A little traveling music then
for the doc.

It's hard to believe he's been with us
only a scant eight months.

Tempus fugit, eh, Joel?

Doesn't fugit nearly fast enough.

You think banging on a pipe with
a wrench is going to make it go faster?

It's just what I dreamed of
when I was at Columbia,

that I'd be practicing medicine
in a room where I can't feel my fingers.

- It's not that cold.
- It's 40 degrees inside,

if you don't count the windchill factor
blowing through these cracks.

If you'd take off your snowsuit,
you'd get acclimated.

My blood would thicken?
That's very scientific.

Like with a car?
Colder climate, more viscous motor oil?



Well, I have nice, thin New York blood.
You probably don't have blood at all.

Get off my case, Fleischman.
just give me my pills.

No problem. So I guess
Rick got back okay through the ice fog.

There are other ways besides sex
to get a bladder infection, Fleischman.

- Yeah, but that's the funnest.
- What? This is your hobby?
Thinking about my sex life?

Hey, you brought it up, O'Connell.
I was only referring to the fact that
I ran into your boyfriend at the barbershop.

You know what your problem is?
That my bladder couldn't make the trip
to see a doctor in Anchorage.

You are defensive.
You are so heavily defended,
you create a hostile reality.

Two every four hours.
Go pee in this cup.

I guess Rick made it back okay.
[ Exhales ]

You got your Publisher's Clearinghouse.

Okay, but if you win, I get half.
Okay?

I'm preapproved for a gold card.
I'll run right over to Saks.
Alumni fund. Toss.

Spy magazine, all right.

It's three months old.
Delivery by dogsled.

Elaine. Hello.

[ Maggie ]
There's no heat in here.
This could take a while.

- Well, just get acclimated.
-Acclimated?

This seat's like an ice cube.

[ Elaine's Voice ]
Dear Joey, hi.

Listen, I'm really sorry,
and in a perfect world,
I could tell you this in person.

And I know the timing
is especially terrible
with your plans and all.

No. Not the trip to New York.
Anything but the trip to New York.

But I did all this stuff.
I got you some great seats at Les Miz,
sixth row, center.

Yes!
And Dr. Bloom can fix your crown
on the 1 8th, 2:00.

I'm sure by now your mother has cornered
the market on pot roast in Queens.

Do you think she actually tries to cook it
to the consistency of shoelaces or what?

[ Laughs ]
I mean, I guess it's good, in a way,
to have food that you can floss with.

Ah, this is so hard. I hate this.

Anyway, Joey, I don't know
any other way to say what I have to say,
so I guess I'll just say it.

I met somebody else.
Danny Goldman.

No, it isn't Danny Goldman.
I know you think I've had
a crush on him since the ninth grade,

although I don't know why
you think I could stand somebody
who calls me "Lainester. '"

He's a little older than I am.
Actually, he's quite a bit older than I am.

I don't know.
Maybe it's a father thing.

You'd like him, Joey. He's very nice.
Very gentle. Very gentile.

His name's Dwight.
He's a federal judge in Louisville.

Well, he was. He's retired now
and he's devoting himself full-time
to his watercolors.

I've taken a leave of absence from
law school and moved to Kentucky
to be with him.

I know that when you get used to this,
you're gonna do just fine.

[ Screaming ]
No!
[ Gunfire ]

Anyway, don't get frostbite.
Sorry. Elaine.

Hey. Fleischman.
What, it's the wrong color?

I have to leave now.

Leave? What?

Where are you going?
You have my cup.
[ Door Closes ]

[ Engine Starts, Gears Grind ]

[ Gears Grind ]

[ Horn Honking ]
[ Maggie ]
What is that?

Hey you guys, look.
A Zarbitron C-1 0.

We have something like that
at the tribal hall.

[ Car Door Opens, Closes ]

- What's this all about?
- Got a satellite dish for Shelly.

- It's bigger than your dish, Maurice.
- The hell it is.

Sure it is. Look at it.

Anyway, everybody knows that
size has nothing to do with performance.

It's the quality of the equipment
that counts, little lady.

Where'd you find it?
I got it off a construction crew
over in Chilcoot.

They finished up work on
that blacktop from Kandu
to Blindman's Lake.

- You mean the road from nowhere
to nowhere?
- That's the one.

Hey, Shel.
You can come on out now, hon.

Oh, what is it?
Come on, Holling. What is it?

Can I look now?
Now can I look?
You can look.

It's a satellite dish.
That's right.

- For me?
- Two hundred channels.

I know how you've always had
your heart set on seeing
the whole wide world.

Well, now you can see it
right from your home
with me by your side.

Wow. This is beyond
totally amazing.

Don't bother to knock, Ed.
just come right in.

Hello, Dr. Fleischman.
Ed, please. I'm busy.

You're cleaning your stove.
So?

- You don't cook.
- This stove is a health hazard.
It's covered with bacteria and old food.

I'm tired of mold
having run of the place.

- So, are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
Are you all right?

Yeah.

I was just wondering if you were,

you know, well, all right.

- Why shouldn't I be?
- I heard about Elaine.
That she fell in love with an old guy.

You heard about Elaine?
How did you hear about Elaine?

- Marilyn told me.
- Marilyn told you?
How does Marilyn know?

She read the letter.
You left it in your office.

- Marilyn read the letter?
She read my private letter?
- Uh-huh.

That's a federally protected,
private, personal letter.

Has anyone in this place
ever heard of privacy?

You can maybe go
and get her back, you know.
Like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate.

""Elaine! Elaine!''
He's banging on the glass,

and she's down there
in her wedding dress.

And he jams the cross into the door
so that no one can come up after them.

Hey, if there is a cross in this
particular scenario, I'm carrying it.

Marilyn said when you left the office
you wore the expressions of
the old ones...

who walk out onto the ice
and never come back.

Look, Ed. I'm not gonna lie to you.
I was rocked. I was. It was a blow.

But, I sat myself down.
I said, ""Joel, get a grip on yourself.

""You're not looking at this correctly.

""I mean, do you know what you'd go for
on the open market in New York?

""You are-- You are single.
You are heterosexual.

""You are a doctor.
You are Jewish.

I mean, Alaska is wide open for you.''
And I was right. Believe me,
I will be out there.

I'll have to fight the women off.

What women?

[ Man Speaking Italian ]

[ Continues ]

just look at that.
Here we are in Cicely, Alaska,

clean across the great Pacific Ocean,
watching an Italian documentary on
Chinese food-shoppers in action.

I had a cat like that
when I was a kid.
Little Edgar.

[ Ruth-Anne ]
I don't believe those are pets, Ed.
No?

I believe
they're tomorrow night's dinner.

[ All Groan ]
Oh.

Hey, Ed, we eat a lot of things
other cultures consider disgusting. Moose.

Caribou. Bear. Seal.

I wonder how
they kick up those fur balls.

Holling.
Mm?

Uno mas, por favor.
S?, s?, s?.

[ Chris ]
It was a long-ago winter's day
when me and my best friend...

Greg "The Joy King "George...

ripped off Sam Blade Records in
downtown Wheeling, West Virginia.

Back at the Joy King's,
safe and dry, we listened all day
to that stolen stash.

We dedicate this music
to you, Joy King,

just starting your latest
five to 1 0 in Lompoc.

'Cause the best way
out of winter is through it.

Like Carl Jung says, ""Embrace your grief,
for there your soul will grow.''

You're tuned in to K-Bear
in Cicely, Alaska.

This is Chris in the Morning,
and today we have the blues.

?? [ Blues ]

[ Horn Honks ]
[ Man ]
Watch it.

[ Grunts ]
[ Woman ]
? Well, it's over?

?All over?
Chris.

??[ Continues ]
Dr. Joel. How are you doing?

Not bad. Not bad.
How 'bout you?

I'm good.
Thank you very much.

So, how're the girls treating you?
Girls?

Yeah, you know, girls?
Two legs, skirts?

Oh, right, right.
I heard about you and Elaine.

Yeah? Well?
Twelve years, man.

You think you know somebody,
then-- [ Blows ]-- they blow you off
in a barely legible letter.

Don't take that personally.
I just got kicked in the gut by the woman
who promised to have my children.

You're telling me
not to take it personally?

Hey, brother, rejection is one
way to look at it.

But with the yin-yang,
man-woman thing,
it's either balanced or it isn't.

All right, if it isn't,
it just means it isn't.

It's just the eternal ecology
of the love thing.

Right. Well, you wouldn't
happen to have a spare seventh sister
hanging around, would ya?

Seventh sister?

Back east, it's a sort of
upper-echelon woman's school,
you know, like Radcliffe, Wellesley.

Oh, right, right.
I'm seeing someone right now
who's a grad student at Swarthmore.

Swarthmore? The Swarthmore
in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania?
Mm-hmm.

What's-What's a girl from Swarthmore
doing in Alaska in the dead of winter?

Um, field study on
the rituals of the Tsimshian Indians
out at the Metlakatla.

She's got a friend coming in tonight
goes to one of them colored schools.

Colored schools?
Brown.

Brown? She goes to
Brown University?
Mm-hmm.

Wow. That's Ivy League.
Hey. Holling's tonight, 7:00.
Perhaps you'd like to join us?

I'll be there.

??[ Radio:Blues ]
[ Pinball Machine Ringing ]

Morning, Shelly.
Morning, Shelly.

[ Groans ]
Keep it down, will you?

She was up in front of that TV
all night long.

john Carson, Adam 1 2.

I woke up this morning,
I could hear them playing
the Japanese national anthem.

Coffee. Coffee.

[ Softly ]
Coffee.

I have a headache.
It starts here and comes to here.

It's not a baby one.
It's a full-grown, adult-size bangeroo.

Oh-Oh! What time is it?
Ten of nine.

[ Gasps ]
All right! I can still catch
Ang?lica, mi vida.

Only the hottest soap opera
in Puerto Rico, Holling.

Huh.

It looks like
she slept in her clothes.

She never came to bed
at all last night.

[ Woman And Man Speaking Spanish ]

[ Man ]
Hey, Maurice.

I pay that boy good money.
Listen to the depressing junk
he plays on that radio.

Morning, Maurice.

It's supposed to be depressing.
It's the blues.

- [ Clicks Off]
- Is, uh, Chris all bent out of shape
about the housing situation?

No. He likes living at the station.

On Wednesday nights, I get
a direct feed from CBS from Bejing.

Chris usually likes to come up,
and we discuss the big picture.

I try to clear the decks.

Last night I prepared a batch
of those spicy chicken wings that he likes.

He didn't show up,
and he didn't call.

Well, Chris was here
most of the night.

- Here?
- Oh, yeah. A bunch of us
got together to watch the TV.

Ed, there's a flick on the tube tonight
you might be interested in.

It's called An Unmarried Woman.
Come by the house.

- I'll throw a couple ofT-bones
on the fire.
- Well, thanks, Maurice.

But you know, a bunch of us
are gonna get together here
and watch the rugby game.

Rugby.
You follow rugby, do ya?

Oh, no. But it's kind of fun
to watch anything when
there's a bunch of people around.

Uh-huh.
[ Spanish TVContinues ]

??[ Country ]

??[ Continues ]

[ Woman ]
You're gonna rub the end of
that pool stick right off.

Girls, no such thing
as too much chalk.

The four ball
in the corner pocket.
I always wanted to say that.

I thought you said
you majored in pool.

Only since I've been in Cicely.
It's what passes
for high culture around here.

It'd make a good topic
for your thesis.

""Pool as a ritual in primeval society.''

Stand over there, please.
You're making me look very short
in front of these women. Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]
Funny guy.

Yes! It went in.
Did you see that?
That was the three ball.

So?
You said four.

[ Chris ]
Give him a break.
I meant three. I meant three.

No, that was a beautiful shot,
and I want you to take that.

Yeah, well, thank you very much,
but there's no way to get at it now.

Okay, I'll get at it.
You get at those brew dogs.

I shall return.

Sorry about your girlfriend.

No booze with
those antibiotics, O'Connell.
It's ginger ale.

I'm feeling much better,
thank you.

- Listen, I'm sorry about you and Elaine.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Don't be so defensive.
I'm expressing sympathy.
I'm being empathetic, Fleischman.

- All right, what are you
trying to say, O'Connell?
- Nothing.

No, I know that look.
It's pity, isn't it?

Look at you, Fleischman. You're so
insecure you can't even let the body
get cold before you find a warm one.

Look, O'Connell, unlike most of
your former boyfriends, Elaine is not dead.

She's made a terrible mistake that
she will regret for the rest ofher life.

- Hey, Joel.
- [ Low-pitched Voice ]
Hey, Rick.

- Sorry 'bout you and what's-her-name.
- If Elaine is happy in
the arms of a man...

who is comfortable sending
innocent sociopathic children
to the Big House, who am I to judge?

- After you.
- You're working hard tonight.
Where's Shelly?

She's resting.
She's got a whopping headache.
[ Wolf Whistle ]

Hi, everybody.
[ Scattered Whistles ]

- Uh, shouldn't you be lying down, Shel?
- Uh-uh. I'm ready to roll.

Good. There's 1 6 mooseburgers
Dave has kicked up.
I could use a little help.

I can't right now, Holling.
You can't?

- It's 7:30.
- 7:30.

What happens at 7:30, Holling?

Well, the beer in pump number three
sometimes needs refilling about then.

The Wheel's on.
The wheels on what?

Wheel of Fortune.
Pat and Vanna?

Remember, she had on a dress
just like this... only in red.

Well, I never could
see much point to that show, Shel.

Okay. If you'd rather
carry around mooseburgers...

than watch Vanna
turn the letters, go ahead.

But Merv Griffin says no one--
no one--

has ever turned the letters
the way she turns the letters.

And he owns hotels
in Atlantic City.

[ Applause ]
[ Pat Sajak ]
$500.

[ Woman ]
""S.''
Yes. Two S's.

[ Applause ]

There you go.
Thanks. That's what I liked
about Coming of Age in Samoa.

Mead didn't stand outside
the culture and observe.

She put on a grass skirt
and thrust her hips
just like the rest of them.

This one prof at Columbia,
it was his personal mission
to find inconsistencies in her work.

I mean, what, you're gonna
discount an entire life's work
because of a few factual errors?

Listen, you wanna dance?
I dance much better than I play pool.

- [ Laughs ]
- I better, right?

No offense intended, Joel--
if we were back in the city,
I'd be glad to go out with you.

I'm sensing a ""but'' here somewhere.
I didn't come 5,000 miles...

to get all sweaty with a guy
who could be in my chem class.

It is a she, she's eating again.
[ Sajak ]
Are you brushing--

She's clean.
Oh, good. All right.

Uh, we will see you next time
for more Wheel of Fortune.
Bye.

[ Applause ]

Dumped again, Fleischman?

Biggest mistake she ever made.

We're not going to show another movie
until tomorrow, Dr. Fleischman.

Sorry about your girlfriend.
[ Sighs ]

[ Projector Clicking ]

[ Woman ]
Finally caught up with you,
didn't it, Fleischman?

Tori? Tori Gould?

You were able to pull it off for
a long time, weren't you, Fleischman?

You never thought about
putting yourself in
another person's shoes.

We had a name for you
in junior high school,
did you know that?

"The Juggler. '"
Mindy Ginn, Audrey Goodwin and me.

Well, I never made
any specific commitments, Tori.

Always looking out
for yourself, eh, Fleischman?

Playing the angles.
Looking out for number one.

I'll bet you thought
I was going to end up in a tract house
in Bensonhurst, didn't you?

Come on.
You can tell me the truth.

Well, yeah.
I live in Sweden, Joel.

Scandinavia.
And that's not Avenue ""J.''

I never thought I wanted to live in
such a big house, but I'm enjoying it.

Terraces, a view of
the archipelago.

Our cook makes
the most exquisite roast rensadel.

I mean, I married a terrific guy.

Owns major stock in Textron,
stands about 6 foot 4...

and looks like one of those
bearded Nordic gods.

The name's Lars.

Often, my thoughts
have turned to you, Juggler,

and I worry about you.

Fast approaching 30, alone,
living in a cabin...

in the middle of
a silent, windswept, frozen tundra.

Well, can't keep Sonya waiting,
my masseuse. Adjo, Joel.

Wait a minute.
Hey, a lot of guys had
a lot of girlfriends, Tori.

[ Whistle ]
Who are you?

- Who do I look like?
- Uh, me.

I thought we said
we weren't going to do this anymore.

Do what?
This dependence on external affirmation,
fear of rejection, panic thing.

It's a real turnoff.
Intellectually, we're on our game.

But emotionally, Joel,

we have talked and we have talked
and we have talked about this problem.

- But this is the third time
you've fallen apart.
- Three? Really?

Seventeen years old,
when we didn't get into Harvard.

We didn't handle that one
very well, did we?

No, we didn't.
Frankly, we were a mess.

We walked 63 blocks in the rain
like a zombie.

From Zabar's to West 12th Street.

We were nearly hit by three cabs.

Spilt grape juice down
the front of our shirt on Times Square.

How many more times
are we going to subject ourselves
to this abject humiliation?

- I never said--
- Words, Fleischman.

It's just words, and frankly,
I'm sick of it.

[ Mocking ]
"We just need a couple of days
to get ourselves together,

because, after all, we're eligible
and appealing and desirable.''

We're this close to losing it.
We were hanging by our fingernails
after the Harvard trauma.

Now we're sitting in a movie theater
talking to ourselves. Is there no growth?

Is there no catharsis?
Suck it up. Be a mensch.
Do what people do.

- I'm not equipped.
- What's it gonna be, Joel?

We're pushing 30. Thirty.

We've tried therapy,
and you know what
the scariest part is?

We're getting weaker.
We keep going like this,

we're headed straight for a full-tilt,
no-holds-barred,

complete mental disintegration
nervous breakdown
by the time we hit 40.

- Forty.
-[ Lights Click On ]

[ Woman ] A genuine diamond ring in
a solitaire is more expensive--
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

On the Go Anywhere Tea Caddy,
do I have to get the tea service,
or does the cart come separate?

Shel.
Okay, give me one of those.

Oh. Look at that heart-shaped,
three-carat cubic zirconia.

That will be perfect with my genuine,
diamond-studded, tiara headband.
Shelly?

Hang on a sec.
I just got you the coolest wallet.

Cloth and leather
with simulated crocodile embossing
in a really nice cognac.

- Aren't you coming up to bed?
- In a second, hon.

Maybe I better put us in
for a couple of those
matching key cases too.

You still there?
Now, on the koala bear,
does that include batteries?

Okay. Send that along too,
and put a Federal Express on it.

Oh, oh. What time do you have? 2:28?

Can you hang on a sec?
The baby's crying.

? ...Girls are sometime ridiculous but
face it, you can't live with or without us ?

? We're sweet, sexy and kind
at most times ?

? But rub us the wrong way
and fate is what you'll find ?

??[ Shelly Singing, Indistinct ]

? But only if you treat us wrong and then
again some girls do nothing at all ?

? We'll take your car, your money
and even your jewels ?

? And if your clothes fit
well, we'll take them too ?

?Hey, buy for ourselves
it's what we believe?

Whoo!
?? [ Indistinct ]

? It's just a girl thing ?
? Girl thing ?

?Just a girl thing ?

? Check it out
I was home all alone ??

[ Gasping ]

Oh. My genuine, diamond-studded,
tiara headband.

Shelly.
Hi, babe.

What's all this stuff?
This? Just some stuff
that came in.

It looks like a hot dog in a bun,
but it's not. Guess what it is.

It's a telephone.
I got it for you.

Look at this.
It's a Chia Pet.

You water it, and it grows grass.
Pretty soon you get a plant
in the shape of a camel.

But I don't see the hump on here.

Oh, no. This must be
the Brahma bull.

How much does all this cost?
Four thousand, give or take.

Shelly, that's the money
we put aside for our honeymoon.

Yeah, but we never did
get married, did we?
So what's the point?

It's just sitting there
waiting for oil prices to go up.

The point is, all you ever do anymore
is watch that damn TV.

Do you know what's coming in here
on that TV, Holling?

The whole world, that's what.

Fawlty Towers and Rap Patrol.
The lost episode of Lucy.

Classics. There's programs on there
from Mozambique and Venezuela
and all this Pakistani stuff.

And we can see it,
you and me, Holling. Together.

You won't watch
a single thing with me.
That's not true.

Okay. Shogun.
But you weren't really watching.

Yes, I was.
No, you weren't.

I was.
When Dr. Kildare
kissed the Japanese princess...

and the samurai guy
saw the whole thing from
behind the tree, did he kill him?

Well, did he or not?

I forget.
Oh, yeah. Right.

You don't know, and you know why?
Because you fell asleep, that's why.

That program
was six hours long, Shelly.

I can forgive and forget
a lot of things, Holling Vincoeur.

But stinginess and not caring
a thing about the world we live in
is not one of them.

[ Bells Tinkling ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Chris ]
It's "Love is Pain" day on K-Bear.
Music to soothe the shattered heart.

Dedicated to you, Dr. Joel.

??[ Melancholy ]

Are you sleeping, Dr. Fleischman?
No.

- You're in bed. Are you sick?
- I didn't feel like getting up.

Plan ""A'' didn't work, huh?
Mm-mm.

On to Plan ""B.''

She had this way of
looking at her watch.

She didn't look down at her watch
the way most people do.

She lifted up her little arm
and held her wrist in front of her face.

Elaine?

There was this one time we went to
this Shakespeare in the park thing.

You're in the park with all these people
watching Othello.

It's nice.

Then we went to
this outdoor caf? we used to go to.

I had this iced cappuccino
with the steamed milk. Long spoons.

She's wearing pearls and this black dress
that she used to wear.

Really looked good on her.

It had these thin little straps.

What'd she call them?

Spaghetti straps.
[ Laughs ]

- So what happened then?
- What?

What happened then?

We moved in together.
That was a great afternoon.

You know what
the worst thing is, Ed?
What?

- There's no closure.
- Ah. Uh, what's closure?

Closure?

A sense of closure?

It's beginning, middle, end. Closure.

End.

Okay. Look, you're watching a movie.

I am?

Say you're watching a movie.
Which one?

Any one. It doesn't matter.
Okay. Wages of Fear.

Yves Montand.
Right.

The oil tanks are burning
and he brings them the nitro.

Wham. They cut your movie off
in the last 1 5 minutes.

- That would be terrible.
- Of course it would be.

That's closure.

- In a manner of speaking.
- The last 1 5 minutes
of your movie with Elaine.

Yes.

?? [ Lively ]

Does she ever turn that thing off?
Not yet.

I said hello earlier;
she nearly bit my head off.

She doesn't like you
interrupting her toons.

I'll tell you the truth, Maggie.
I'm worried about Shelly.

I don't think
the TV's a good influence.

Have you tried
talking to her about it?

She's not easy to talk to lately.
But I will. I will talk to her.

Well.
Well, what?

He was just lying there.
Who?

Dr. Fleischman.
Sick at heart.

He said the worst thing about it
was he didn't have any closure.

- Any what?
- Closure.

- Ed, what are you talking about?
- Closure.

He didn't get to have
his last 1 5 minutes
of his movie with Elaine.

Oh.

We have to help Dr. Fleischman
get closure.

- We do?
- Why?

We owe him that much. I mean,
Elaine's down there, he's up here.

If we had not shanghaied him up here
I bet you she would not have dumped him
for that old judge.

That's ridiculous.

- He's hurting, Maggie.
-[ Dog Barking On TV]

So, no ticket, huh?

That's all I wanna know.

But, I-I had a ticket
when I got on the train.

[ Footsteps, Door Opens ]

You can fool some of the people,
and it might be fine for those guys,
but I'm on to you, Fleischman.

[ Groans ]
What is this?

What do you think
you're doing, Fleischman?
Nothing. I was just lying here.

You've held everybody hostage
with this Camille number long enough.
I know. I'm sorry.

Ed's worried about you
and now he's trying to get
everybody else worried about you.

You're right. I'm sorry.
So your girlfriend
dumped you. Fine.

Sometimes you gotta suck it up,
pull yourself together. Be a man!

That's what I've been
telling myself for the past 1 5 years.

Yeah, well, okay. Good.

I did a sensitivity check on
your urine culture to make sure we were
on the right course of antibiotics.

It's there if you want to take a look.

Sure.
They look like
little spots of mold.

Well, they are mold really.
Your mold.

You see how one of'em
is smaller than the others?

I used your antibiotic on that one.
It stopped the growth.

That means it's working.
How are your symptoms?

- Much better.
- Good. I'm glad.

Okay.
[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]
Could you please just
get the light, please?

What? Sure.

Thank you.

[Japanese ]

Shelly.

Shelly, I wonder if
I might have a word with you.

I'm in the middle of Magnum.
That's what I wanna
speak with you about.

About what, Holling?

Shelly, I think you've got
a problem with the TV.

You're the one with the problem.
You're still P.O.'d...

because I wanted to watch that
Punjab program instead of MacGyver.

Which would you rather watch,

sword swallowers and snake charmers
from New Delhi or MacGyver?

Shelly, you watch the TV all the time.
You don't eat. You don't sleep.

I don't think you can help yourself.

No, I don't. Yes, I do.
Yes, I can.

Well, go on. Don't watch.

I'll wager you can't keep from
watching that TV for five minutes.

Of course I can.
Then do it.

[Japanese ]

-[ TVOff]
- See?

No biggie.

[ Glass Shatters On Ground ]

Star Trek:Next Generation, 7:00.
7:30, La Nouveau Monde.

8:00, National Audubon Society:
Sea Turtles and Ancient Nomads.

8:30, So Ist Das Leben.

9:00, El Corazon y La Pistoleta Negra.
1 0:00, Fujiko Fujima Kagekiyono.

1 0:30, La Strada dell'amore--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

Ed, can't you see the sign
on the door says "Closed'"?

Sorry to bother you, Dr. Fleischman,
but I need you to come with me
to Holling's bar.

Why?
Well, it's for closure.

- What?
- I think it would be better
if you would just come.

Well, now's not a good time.
I've got three years worth of
the New England Journal of Medicine...

just waiting here
for me to catch up with them.

Okay. I can wait.
Suit yourself.

[ Slurping ]

Chris.
Hey, Shel.

Can I come in?
Sure. Come on in.

I'm in trouble, Chris.
I've been walking and thinking
and walking and...

I need to see
a man of the cloth.

Well, Shel, if this is some
heavy, theological deal,
you know, my cloth's not thick enough.

I-I answered an ad
in the back of Rolling Stone.

Well, you presided at
our almost-wedding.

- Yeah, well--
- You're the closest thing to God
Cicely's got.

Shel--
I was raised a Catholic,

and when a Catholic's in trouble,
they go to a priest and make a confession.

I need you to hear my confession.

Listen--
[ Exhales ]

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been...

nine years since I made
my last confession.

You're supposed to
ask me how I've sinned.

Okay.
How've-How've you sinned, Shelly?

You're not supposed to say my name.
Oh, I'm sorry.

How have you sinned, ma'am?

I've been watching TV
too much, Father,

and I can't stop.

When I'm with Holling,
I'm thinking about television.

When I'm working,
I'm thinking about television.

When I'm with my friends,
I wish I was watching television.

I don't even like it so much.
It's just that I get
this yucky feeling inside,

and the only thing that'll
make it go away is television.

It doesn't matter what program it is.
Hogan's Heroes, Oprah. I'll watch
anything. You know what I mean, Father?

Uh, no.
With TV I can take it or leave it...

except for maybe the zones.

Holling and me,
we used to have sex all the time.

I don't think that's a sin, Father,
even though we're only almost-married.

But now we don't
do it at all anymore.

And... I spent our honeymoon money...

that we didn't have because
we didn't really get married.

But, Holling's right.
It's not the point.

I don't talk to my friends anymore.

And... I lied.

I told someone,
a stranger on the phone,
that the baby was crying.

It sounds to me like
you're hooked, Shelly.

I mean, not Shelly.
Hooked?

You mean, like an addict?
Ajunkie?

Is there anyone in your background,
I mean, think.

Is there anybody in your family
that had a problem with television?

No. I don't think so.

Except, now that I think about it,
my father--

you interrupted him during The Feud,
and he'd whip your butt.

It could be hereditary.
It's a strong possibility...

it's not even your fault at all.

- Really?
- That's right.

just recognizing it
is the first step.

[ Sighs ]
God, I feel so much better.

You do? Good.

Is-Is that it?

Well, no. You have to give me
some Hail Marys or something
so I can absolve myself.

I-I don't know any Hail Marys.

Um, I know a Shoshu Buddhist chant.

That's cool.

Picture this, Dr. Fleischman.

There you are, sitting in your caf?
on Park Avenue and Times Square.

Subway rumbling beneath your feet.

Mist drifting in on
the Verrazano Street Bridge.

Ayellow checkered cab goes past.
Whoosh! He splashes the guy
selling pretzels on the corner.

He flips him the bird.
Curses his unborn children...

as the sun slowly sinks behind
the Statue of Liberty.

Ed, where're you going?
Ed, this is very weird.

Okay, Holling, you're up.

Okay, Ed.

Holling. Whoa.!
Watch it. Careful.

What is going on here?

I didn't have the wherewithal
for steamed milk, so that's
whipped cream on top there.

- That's iced coffee.
- Enjoy.

[ Shivering ]

Is that it, Ed?
That's it, Holling. Good work.

Okay, Maggie, now you.

[ Exhales ]
You owe me, Fleischman.

What are you doing, O'Connell?

Is it my imagination,
or is it 20 below out here?
[ Shivers ]

You look familiar.
Well, I should look familiar, Fleischman.

You've, uh, only known me
for eight months.

The-The dress.
You look like Elaine.

I am Elaine.
I mean, I'm supposed to be Elaine.

So, go ahead. Go for it.
You're Elaine?

Yeah, so, go ahead, Fleischman.
Get it off your chest.
Say whatever it is you need to say.

I'm supposed to say to you
what I need to say to Elaine?

Look, Fleischman, we've all gone to
a lot of trouble here
so you can have closure.

I don't like it, you don't get it.
Fine. But just go ahead and do it,
and hurry up because I'm freezing.

Wait. Closure?
Look, ask Ed.

We're supposed to be acting out
the most wonderful day
you had with Elaine.

So there must have been things
you didn't get to say. Here's your chance.

This is ridiculous.
Don't blow it.

I'm supposed to--
Open up.

Oh, to you?

[ Laughing ]
Okay, I'm sorry.

Well, frankly--

- What?
- No. It's nothing.

It's just--
Spit it out.

Well, I-I was never really
sexually attracted to you.

- What?
- I mean, to her, Elaine.

You weren't? How come?

I mean, not that the sex--
you know, our sex-- wasn't good.

It was good. It just wasn't--

- What?
- Look, you don't wanna hear this.

Yes, I do.
I mean, for closure. Sure.

- Sex should be wild, shouldn't it?
- Wild?

Unfettered and free.
I mean, we're animals, aren't we?

I mean, finally, basically,
we're all wolves in sheep's fur.

Well, I always wanted more.

- More?
- Yeah.

I mean, not frequency.
I am not talking about frequency.
Although that would've been great too.

But, I-I want more intensity.
I wanted to be out there.

Outside myself. Outside my skin.

I wanted sex to be like robbing life
out of the jaws of death.

Wow.

- Are you okay?
- Why?

Well, it's 20 below out.
You're breaking a sweat.

Would you excuse me a minute?
[ Laughs Nervously ]

[ Shivers ]
So, do we have closure?

Well, not really,
but I feel better.

Good. So, what now?

Can I buy you a beer?

If we drink it inside.

[ Woman ]
?Blue moon?

? You saw me standing alone?

? Without a dream in my heart?

Holling, there's somebody here
that wants to see you.

Hi.

- Holling.
- Shelly.

Oh, Holling.

I'm sorry I spent
our nonhoneymoon money, Holling.

I'm sorry I ruined our sex life.

That's okay, Shelly.

You were right.
I have a problem with the TV.

But I'm gonna beat it.
That's good news, Shelly.

You're gonna have to
help me though.

Like with the M&M's?

You know how you hide them
from me and dole them out
to me a little at a time?

You're gonna have to
watch me like a hawk with the TV.

You can be mean, Shelly.

You handled Jesse the bear.

I'm gonna pull the plug, Holling.
Good girl.

I'm gonna do it.

I can't.

Shelly, darling.
I am right here.

Right beside you.
Okay.

Here goes.

[ Shelley ]
Whoa.