Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 1, Episode 6 - Sex, Lies and Ed's Tapes - full transcript
There's much to deal with in Cicely when Shelly's husband arrives with the hopes of taking her back to Saskatchewan, much to the astonishment of Holling. Furthermore, Maggie's boyfriend fears he will soon die as the next victim of the O'Connell curse and Ed searches for inspiration while working on his movie script.
One hundred and... nineteen.
- And a half.
- And a half.
Mmm.
Let's see.
That is nine pounds this month.
Which means by the time this baby is due
you should put on about 80 pounds.
- Which means only one thing.
- It's a boy?
Slow down.
You're eating like there is no tomorrow.
- You want your breakfast burrito back?
- I want you to be able to do your jeans up.
I thought maybe they'd just shrunk.
- Is everything else OK?
- Mm-hm.
- My breasts are growing.
- That's perfectly normal.
It's like they're bein' pumped up,
you know? Like a tyre.
Holling says my nipples
are as hard as sapphires.
Yeah, well...
OK. Is that a question?
- They can't get so big they'll burst?
- No, they cannot do that.
Thank goodness.
- You got anything else to eat?
- No, you've had my breakfast.
Unless you wanna wash it down
with what's left of my coffee.
Nah. Thank you.
Nothing personal, Dr Fleischman,
but you don't use enough milk.
Just one more little thing,
and then you are free to go.
Oh, please. Please, no.
Not that, Dr Fleischman!
- Shh.
- Please!
Close your eyes.
Before you know it, it's all over.
Do you have to?
I just hate needles.
I hate them so much.
There's no other way
for me to draw blood.
I didn't do it last time
cos you promised me this time...
I know, but...
Couldn't you take it from somebody else
and say it's mine?
You know I can't do that.
Shh-shh.
There's a Mars bar in that medicine
cabinet with your name on it.
Mars bar?
- Can I scream?
- I'll shut the door.
- It is noise!
- What are you talkin' about?
It's very melodic. Indian music
has its own very specific lyricisms.
It sounds like people
are throwin' garbage cans around.
It's a lot of caterwaulin'.
It is noise.
- I like it...
- Put on a show tune, huh? "Carousel"?
I like it when you play...
when you talk on the air.
I like it when you talk
to people on the radio.
- I play the records, you run the station!
- Play Schubert.
Play Edith Piaf. Put somethin' on
that's got somethin' to it!
I'm playin' what I wanna play.
The deal is,
play what you want, as long as I like it.
- That's the deal? Forget it!
- All right, forget it.
Make my day.
Ed! Ed.
Are you all right, Ed?
Huh?
Out of the kindness of my heart,
and against my better judgement,
I've allowed you to come up here and use
my Macintosh to work on that film script.
And what do I see as the sum total
of all my well-intentioned efforts?
A blank screen
and a lot of wasted electricity.
What, you got writer's block, Ed?
- I guess.
- Writer's block, my diddly!
Give a stud a gun, a car.
Throw in a good-lookin' woman,
then you've got yourself a movie.
Grope and kill. Grope and kill.
Pretty soon they'll be namin'
overstuffed sandwiches for you.
- Are you gonna finish the spuds?
- Uh-uh.
Mind if I pick?
- Holling says you're in a dance contest.
- Yes.
You think you can teach me
the hippy-hop?
It's Indian dancing.
Oh.
Never mind.
- Can I get you somethin'?
- Yeah, I'm lookin' for Shelly Tambo.
She's in the kitchen.
Yeah, well,
tell her Wayne's here to see her.
- Will she know what this is about?
- She better.
- What are you doing here?
- I could ask you the same thing.
I live here. With him.
- I should have figured.
- And what's that supposed to mean?
"You're always so immature, Wayne. "
- You are immature, Wayne.
- I was. Maybe.
- But I'm mature now.
- Yeah, right.
- Like by dropping in unannounced?
- I couldn't get to a phone.
- For 600 miles?
- And I was in a hurry.
Shelly, I haven't had the pleasure
of makin' the acquaintance of your friend.
No friend of mine.
This is Wayne. Holling.
How do you do, Wayne?
- How'd you find me anyways?
- Cindy told me you were here.
- She told you that?!
- I'll let you young people catch up.
She knew how mad I was at you
for knocking out Jimmy.
Just cos he said
I had nice legs!
I wasn't the one
rode home with Bucky.
I couldn't get far away
from you fast enough.
Good! I'm glad.
- So why'd you follow me?
- I'm not followin' you.
- I wanna marry Cindy.
- Cindy?
Yeah. And she wants to marry me too.
- She does?
- She does.
But she's my best friend, Wayne!
She was.
You haven't seen her in 18 months.
But you always said I was the pretty one
and she was the bodyguard.
She's lost weight
and her face has cleared up.
- She's much prettier than you are now.
- Well, then maybe you should marry her.
But I hope she realises
how really immature you are.
I can't very well marry Cindy
till I first divorce you.
I don't think they need a physical to renew
my pilot's licence, but for insurance.
You've practically no blood pressure,
less body fat,
perfect vision,
perfect teeth, perfect...
Perfect what? What?
- What's this?
- That? That's a pimple.
- No, it's not.
- It's not? I thought it was a pimple.
- It's not.
- What is it?
It's a dermatofibroma.
A growth.
- You mean, like a tumour?
- Uh-huh. Is it tender?
- No.
- How long have you noticed it?
I don't know. Months.
- Has it changed in shape or size?
- I don't know.
I wouldn't get too concerned about it. As
we get older, cysts develop on our body.
Now, we don't know precisely why,
but by and large they are benign,
which, in all likelihood, this is.
- What if it's not?
- I'm pretty sure it is.
- Well, what if it's not? Is it cancer?
- It would be, yes.
But in my experience, I've seen this many
times, and only once was it malignant.
The time that it was bad,
is the person OK?
- No, but...
- No? He's dead?
- Yeah, but...
- How long did he live?
- Six months, but...
- Six months?!
Rick, don't make yourself crazy.
It's almost certainly...
- Maggie and I have been together a year.
- That... that... OK. So?
Before me there were a few others, Joel.
- Well, she's not exactly a kid.
- I mean, I'm not the first to go.
Oh.
I'm not saying this has anything to do
with anything, but guys die on her.
That's a fact. I never put
too much stock in it, but they do.
Would you like me to remove the cyst
and have it biopsied?
Under the circumstances, that probably
would be... Can you do it now?
- You forgot to tell me you were married?!
- Yes.
Don't tell me
you've never forgotten anything.
We were almost married, Shelly!
Almost doesn't count
in horseshoes or marriage.
Besides,
me and Wayne aren't really married.
- You're not?
- Course not.
We didn't have a wedding or anything
like that. I didn't even wear a dress.
There was just a judge that we woke up
in the night cos Wayne had a few beers.
He was all worked up
over some dumb hockey game.
He kept pushin' and pushin',
so just to shut him up I said yes.
- What?
- Orders are backing up.
Everybody'll just have to wait,
then, won't they?
OK!
All right, I admit it.
I did have a crush on Wayne.
But that was high school.
What we did in cars and pick-ups,
we didn't do it with our hearts,
like you and me.
- Oh, I...
- You what?
I feel bad enough about stealing you from
Maurice. I didn't know you were married.
You didn't steal me, Holling!
I came to you, cos I wanted to.
- Would you please say something?
- It's not right.
I don't know...
Why are you making such a big deal
about this? We love each other.
Wayne just showed up
cos he wants a divorce.
If he hadn't,
you never would have known about him.
I don't think it's proper for a man
to be living with another man's wife.
What are you tryin' to say, Holling?
I think maybe we should be living apart,
till your divorce comes through.
You do?
OK.
So I'll just pack a few things
and move out for a while.
No, it's your place. I'll move out.
I gotta get back to work.
Malignant melanoma is an extremely rare
form of cancer. Extremely rare.
Statistically,
I would say the odds are at least 100-1...
- You said 1,000.
- I'm sorry, you're right. 1,000-1.
- But you have seen it before?
- Yeah, once.
- And the patient is...?
- Dead.
- Yeah, but...
- Once it's in the lungs, I'm history.
True, but the odds are in your favour.
Right, well...
Well, what?
Well, it's obvious
this is much ado about nothing.
Clearly, you've blown this
out of proportion.
- Dr Fleischman says you don't have it.
- He says probably I don't have it.
He said most likely.
The odds are 1,000-1.
Why would you be the one in a thousand?
This is ridiculous. You're not that special.
When do we know for sure?
- Can I get you another one?
- Yeah. Make it a lite, I'm gettin' a gut.
- She's a pretty good waitress, I bet.
- Yes, she is.
She used to be able to line six plates up
her forearm, five cups and five saucers,
and not drop one - with one hand.
- She still do that?
- What's that?
That thing with the plates and cups?
On occasion.
She's put on a couple of pounds.
Looks good on her.
- She's pregnant.
- You the daddy?
- Uh-huh.
- I should've knocked her up myself.
Thought I did. Slapshot right
into the net. Did she tell you?
Course not. Why would she?
My wife, your baby.
Is this world goin' to hell, or what?
Well, congratulations anyway.
I guess.
- I appreciate that.
- She ever mention me? Wayne Jones?
Never did.
Boy, when she gets mad,
she can sure hold a grudge.
- How old are you?
- 20.
That's a whole lot different than 19.
- She still into hockey?
- Ice hockey?
Yeah. I'm a hockey player.
I'd be playin' for the Flames by now
if it wasn't for her.
She took the fire outta me.
I didn't wanna fight or stick.
I didn't wanna crush nobody's skull in.
Instead of goin' high in the draft, I go
on a bender and get thrown in the can.
- That's a shame.
- Once I get this divorce thing settled,
I'm gonna start kickin'
some major-league butt.
I got a slapshot
like you wouldn't believe, mister.
She was one lousy wife, you know that?
But she's got more curves on that bod
than the Stanley Cup.
Non-specific urethritis.
It's not catchy, but you ought to
keep the falcon under wraps for a while.
- You know what I'm talkin' about?
- Yeah.
Hey! Hey! I'm crossin' here!
I'm crossin' here!
You don't talk to a learned physician
that way! Same to you, pal!
Can't wait to get that jerk in the examining
room. I got a barium enema for him.
I'll take you to Donald Trump,
a friend of mine.
- You know Donald Trump?
- I started him out in the business.
Oh, boy!
OK, thanks.
All right.
Hey, Ed.
You mean to tell me
her nipples are hard as sapphires,
she's been eating like two horses,
her breasts are growin' by leaps
and bounds, and she's not pregnant?!
- That's right.
- Joel, are you sure about this?
- Absolutely.
- How can this be?
Hysterical pregnancies
are highly unusual. Extremely unusual.
But apparently her body
has convinced itself that it's pregnant...
with all the physical manifestations
of pregnancy.
And yet, the fact is, her blood test
indicates that she is not pregnant.
And the results, I'm afraid,
are indisputable.
There is, however, no reason to assume
that this means that next time
you won't actually be pregnant.
It's for the best anyway.
I wouldn't wanna bring
a baby into the world
when her daddy's not sure
he loves her momma.
Just cos her momma is married!
Would you?
- Thanks for letting me stay over, Maggie.
- No problem, Shelly.
Rick's in Fairbanks on business,
so I'm glad to have the company.
How long does it take
to get a divorce anyway?
I don't know. You hungry?
No. Thanks.
Ever since I found out I'm not pregnant,
I don't seem to have an appetite.
- Why are they like that?
- Who?
Boys.
Beats the hell out of me.
They got rules about everything, that's got
nothing to do with how anybody feels.
Then you break one of their stupid
little rules, and they fall to pieces.
Yeah. Yeah, Rick thinks I think
he's in Fairbanks on business.
Yeah, right. Like I don't know
what he's really doin' in Fairbanks.
What is he doin' there?
He thinks I'm killing him, the way I kill
all the guys I go out with. Which I don't.
I just have bad luck with men.
They do stupid things and die, and then
I'm supposed to feel responsible?
Of course not!
If Wayne were dead,
Holling would feel real bad for me.
But since he's alive, Holling's mad at me.
Doesn't make much sense, does it?
Men don't make sense.
They think they do, but they don't.
- You know who makes sense?
- Girls?
Nobody. Nobody makes any sense.
But at least females
have the sense to know that
and don't get bent out of shape
about everything.
If that's Holling, tell him something!
- I'm Wayne. Is my wife here?
- What do you want?
- I wanna talk to you, that's what I want.
- You better not try anything immature.
- You hear?
- Yes. I won't.
Let him in.
It's OK, Maggie.
You can leave us alone.
Just put Fang outside
until Wayne leaves.
- Fang.
- Who's Fang?
A killer pit bull.
If I scream, shoot him.
Look...
I'm sorry your old man kicked you out
cos I showed up.
- He is pretty old, though, Shelly.
- So?
He's got longevity in his genes -
something you probably don't even know
what I'm talkin' about.
I hear you ain't pregnant neither.
I'm not gonna lie to you. When I heard
you was pregnant, I... I felt bad.
I thought "How come this old guy
can do it and I can't?" Couldn't.
- Remember?
- Of course I remember. I'm not senile.
Did you marry me
cos you thought you was pregnant?
No!
Not that it matters now, but no.
I just have a tendency to get hysterically
pregnant when I get a crush on a guy.
I don't know why. It's an indisputable
scientific fact of nature.
Huh?
So you mean you did dig me?
Do you think I would have done it
with you in your pick-up,
not to mention marry you,
if I didn't like you?
- Shelly?
- What?
I decided to give you another chance.
Not that I was plannin' on forgivin' you.
But you are my wife, and you're prettier
than Cindy, so you can come home now.
I don't wanna come home!
I am home.
I am the one that's being the big man
here. I'm forgivin' you.
Forgive yourself, Wayne!
OK. Just calm down, all right?
Just think about what I'm saying.
We're married, Shelly.
We're husband and wife, remember?
You don't wanna let bein' mad
throw all that away, do you?
Anyways, the guy kicked you out.
Shelly, you've got the best body
of anybody I know.
And I'm gonna start playin' hockey again.
Don't you remember
comin' to the hockey games?
I never wanted to divorce you anyway.
My game has been all messed up
because all I do is think about you all day.
Listen, I got a tank full of gas outside,
and I'm ready to go.
I'll think about it.
Well, can I see you again
before you give me an answer?
You mean, like a date?
It wouldn't really be like a date -
we're married.
Yeah, that's true.
You'd better go now, Wayne.
I'm confused.
Good night, Shelly.
Sleep tight,
don't let the beddy-bugs bite.
Good night, Wayne.
I appreciate you not gettin' fresh.
Yeah.
- Lookin' great!
- I'm not in the mood, Fleischman.
I'm serious.
I'm payin' you a compliment.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Why?
Because it's as flattering a haircut
on you as it was on Dorothy.
Hamill.
Come on, you remember.
Innsbruck, winter of '76.
America's sweetheart.
I don't know who had it worse for her,
me or Jim McKay.
I'm happy if we're able to conjure up
a pleasant, if unfulfilled, fantasy.
Talk about a head of hair!
Do you skate?
Are you here for any particular reason?
Well, I was wondering if you wanted
to go to the powwow with me.
You're going?!
Yeah.
Why not? I admit, I don't ordinarily
march to the beat of a snare drum,
but it is Marilyn, and with Rick away,
you might want someone to chant with.
What's that supposed to mean?
That crack about Rick being away.
- What crack?
- Rick's got a little tumour.
- OK!
- Nothing more, nothing less.
I don't want you makin'
a bigger deal out of this than it is.
I just came in here to...
Thousands of people
get tumours every day.
People I've never laid eyes on
get tumours. Some die, some don't.
That's just the way it is with tumours.
- I know. I am a doctor, remember?
- All finished.
I am very comfortable with who I am and
what I may be putting out to the universe,
and Rick did not skip town
on some trumped-up trip to Fairbanks
just to get away from me, Fleischman.
Tumours happen!
- Look, O'Connell, I don't know what you...
- Keep it zipped, Fleischman, OK?
I tell you I set a new record? Eight
Double Fatburgers in an hour and a half?
So?
So, nobody puts on the feedbag
like Wayne Jones.
There are more important things
than Fatburgers.
I know. Hockey and sex. But there's still
enough room on this planet for small talk.
Remember this, Shelly?
- Remember what?
- Our song. They're playin' our song.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
3am, a boy and a girl
alone and in love on a pool table?
If this guy doesn't quit staring at you,
I'm gonna kick his butt in.
Would you please grow up?
I'm not your squeeze any more.
But you are my wife, and if he doesn't
quit starin', I'm gonna kick his butt in!
Come on, they're playin' our song.
You know, I've still got
our wedding picture, Shel.
Cindy didn't like it hangin' in the car,
so I put it up over the bar at Keller's Place.
Let's dance real close.
Holling?
Who's the kid?
Why's he smearin' ketchup
all over Shelly's ass?
Agh!
What the hell's the matter with you?
- Feel pain?
- No.
- Now?
- No.
- Agh!
- OK. OK.
I've seen this sort of neck lock before,
but they were stiffs on a slab
and I had a crowbar.
- Has this ever happened in the past?
- Once. A bear tried to unscrew my head.
I don't remember it bein' this painful.
I suggest you square things with Shelly
before you start pretzellin' up.
Joel, I may not be able to eat, sleep,
or turn to the right,
but Shelly is a married woman
and her husband is in town.
To get a divorce, which Shelly
not only agreed on, but wants.
They are dancin' cheek to cheek
as we speak.
Is that right? So they're doin' a turn
on the dance floor for old time's sake...
Look me in the eye,
tell me you don't love each other.
Wait, look. You broke up with Shelly
at a very vulnerable time in her life.
She is probably feeling very confused.
- What would you do, Joel?
- What would I do, what?
If the same circumstances presented
themselves to you and your fianc?e.
What would I do if Elaine's husband
showed up at our apartment door?
Uh...
That's...
it's an interesting question, Holling.
I'd be more than happy
to answer it, except that, uh...
we're not from Alaska. We're from
Flushing, which is in Queens, New York.
That sort of thing
just doesn't happen in New York.
Well, of course, it does.
It just doesn't.
What would I do if Elaine's husband
showed up at our apartment door?
Drop her.
- Says who?
- Says me.
Drop her.
- You can't have her. She's mine.
- I don't want her, you moron!
But Holling does.
He doesn't pack an iron any more.
Me and him... we're pals.
- Evenin', Shelly.
- You.
What happened to you?!
Wayne didn't hi...?
Oh, no. Nothin' like that.
It's just a little crick in my neck, is all.
I was wonderin'
if I might have a word with you.
Well...
OK.
- How's the divorce comin' along?
- The divorce? My divorce?
Uh... well, yes.
- Why?
- Well, I been reconsidering the situation.
I think that under the circumstances
we should overlook the marriage
and... get back together.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yes. I do.
- Why?
- Well...
Wayne is a fine, fine young man
with a bright future,
but he did have that look in his eye
when you two were dancin'.
I wouldn't want him
to get the wrong idea.
- And what idea is that?
- You know.
That we would let a silly little thing
like a marriage vow come between us.
Were you spying on us?
In my bar?!
No.
Why shouldn't he have that look
in his eye? After all, he is my husband.
Something that I didn't think was
such a big deal, but you obviously do.
- Did.
- So maybe I won't get divorced.
Maybe I'll move back
to Saskatchewan with Wayne.
If I can't count on you when something
as piddly as a husband pops up,
what happens when
the really big stuff hits?
So you can just forget it, Holling.
I don't care if your neck never gets better,
cos you always hit the kerb
making a right turn anyway.
How's the movie goin'?
Not so well. I don't think me and the new
Hollywood should be in bed together.
- What?
- You know, blockbusters.
$100m box office.
That's all they say they want
down there these days.
- I don't think I have one of those in me.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
Thanks.
MTV says it all started
with Steven and the shark.
Then came the extraterrestrial, and
George brought us R2-D2, Indiana Jones,
Batman, Dick Tracy.
Entertainment Tonight
calls it "high concept".
- Hmm.
- Yeah, hmm.
I don't think I'm
a high concept kind of guy.
Wait a minute,
what about Woody Allen?
- What about him?
- Thought you told me he was a genius?
Oh, yeah! Woody's my man. Annie Hall,
Manhattan, Stardust Memories...
Plus Take the Money and Run
and Bananas.
Before he became ashamed
of bein' funny.
Not to mention
Crimes and Misdemeanors.
I never heard of that one.
It was only the best film of 1989!
As far as I'm concerned.
- Is that on cassette yet?
- I don't know.
But the point is, Woody Allen doesn't write
blockbusters and Hollywood likes him.
Write like he writes.
Oh. You mean a movie about
neurotic intellectuals in New York.
No, I don't mean write what he writes.
Write the way he does.
He writes about things he knows.
Look, Woody Allen is Jewish
and from New York, right?
That's probably why he writes about it,
because that's what he knows about.
You mean, like, it's easy for him?
Yeah. Sort of.
Hey, Dave, I can't eat this breakfast.
These eggs look stupid.
Where's that little round bone in the ham?
Shelly!
What? I gotta work.
I want a hamburger. I wanna know
if we're goin' back to Canada too.
- Can't this wait?
- No, I'm hungry.
Dave, throw on a burger.
Horns off.
- I'm not going back.
- You want me to live here?
No... it's over
between me and you.
Give me one good reason.
I don't have to.
I just don't love you any more.
I'm sorry, but I don't.
I mean...
I just can't cuddle up next to somebody
if I don't have that special feeling.
Shelly, I just put new shocks on the truck.
It's smoother back there than a water bed!
Sorry.
Take this away.
I can't eat now.
Look at it this way,
at least we have Saskatchewan.
I mean, we didn't - we lost it.
Until you showed up.
At least now we're still friends.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, I guess.
And besides,
Cindy's got the hots for you.
- Yeah?
- She always has.
Yeah, well, she oughta. I'm the best
stick man there is, including Gretzky.
- I'm really glad you showed up, Wayne.
- You are?
Yeah. I gotta get back to work.
I suppose I should hit the highway.
Get back to Cindy.
Yeah.
By the way, Shelly.
I'm a little low on gas money.
See you, Wayne.
When I mentioned that I would hear
the results of the biopsy at 11 o'clock,
what I meant was
around 11 o'clock, you know?
- Which could mean 11.15, 11.30.
- All right.
- Gotcha.
- It makes sense to me.
So, if you have somewhere else to be,
I'll get in touch with you as soon as I hear.
- I'm all right.
- No problem.
Look, try Serrano again,
and tell him I'll hold.
So anyway, how was Fairbanks?
Fine. Fine. Just one of those
unavoidable 24-hour runs.
You know the life of an Alaskan bush pilot.
Here today, Fairbanks tomorrow.
I think Rick phrased it the best:
unavoidable.
- Couldn't be helped.
- Yeah.
Oh! Did I tell you I happened
to talk to my mom last night?
- Really? How is she?
- Fine. Fine.
- She sends her love.
- Me too.
When I told her about your bump,
do you know what she said?
- No.
- No.
I'll be darned if she didn't say just the right
thing again. You know what she said?
- No.
- No.
She said that we are gonna come out
of this... I mean, just happier than ever.
What did she say?
How did she phrase it?
Like "a bridge over troubled waters"
or "a jaw broken
but mended stronger than ever".
She said "The two of you will emerge
from this as one solid, seamless bond. "
- Isn't that nice?
- I love Mom.
Yeah.
Serrano on one.
We've only got one line!
Phil. Joel.
Yeah, give me what you got.
Huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Hmm?
Uh-huh?
OK, OK. Thanks, Phil.
Yeah.
You are fine.
- Thank God!
- Thank you, God.
- Thank God!
- Oh, thank you, God!
- Now get the hell out!
- What?
You thought it was me,
and you ran like a rabbit.
- Maggie, I just thought...
- The O'Connell curse struck again, huh?
- Maggie, sweetheart, I had a growth!
- You had a bump you tried blamin' on me.
So fly away to Anchorage or Nome
or Timbuktu for all I care.
Cos let me tell you somethin':
you may not be dyin', but you're gone!
Maggie, sweetheart...
Maggie!
I heard Wayne went back to Canada.
Is someone in a neck brace
speaking to me?
- Because I have nothing to say to him.
- Shelly, honey...
Don't you "Shelly, honey" me.
Wayne's leaving had nothing to do
with you, so don't get any ideas.
I am finished with men
for the rest of my life.
But I admit I was wrong.
Well, it's too late.
You are out of my life for ever.
Agh! Ohhh!
Are you all right?
Lay your head on the bar.
Ah. Oh, yeah.
- Better?
- Mm-hm.
Maybe just a little to the left.
Yeah. Ah.
Ah, yeah.
- Better?
- Uh-huh.
Does this mean
we can get back together?
No! I'm only doing this
because I don't like pain.
I got a lot of that,
and I don't mean just in my neck either.
You should have thought about that.
Shelly, please!
I am a man with his head on the bar.
You've flipped your last flop on me,
Holling.
I never figured I'd be foolin' around
with a married woman.
- I said...
- Agh!
I forgot.
I know you did.
And I should have been with you
through the thick and thin.
I am truly sorry I let you down.
I got myself in a real pickle, Shelly.
- Here I am, old enough to be your father...
- Grandfather.
.. and I'm head over heels over you.
I've lived my life out in the open,
but I've kept my heart sheltered.
Then you appeared
and turned me inside out.
I don't know
whether I'm comin' or goin' any more.
I can't see straight,
I can't think right.
What I believe,
who I think I am,
all of it comes to naught
when it comes to you.
I may not know how to be with you,
but I can't bear livin' without you.
I'm sorry I forgot I was married.
And as far as me and Wayne
are concerned,
he may be less than
half as old as you are,
but he's also
less than half the man you are.
I saw my people
I saw above me
That endless skyway
I saw below me
That golden valley
This land was made
for you and me
This land is your land
This land is my land
From California...
Why are you sitting
directly above and behind me?
Who died and made you chief?!
I reserved seating.
Everything OK with you and Rick?
- What is this, 20 questions?
- Sorry! Touchy!
Thank you. All right, let's hear it
for Enzo and the Native Americans!
Beautiful!
A piece of spiritual singing at its best.
Is everybody havin' a good time?
Yeah, beautiful.
Before I bring on tonight's headliners,
I got a few jokes hidden around
somewhere, just cryin' to get out.
- Is he kidding?
- What did you expect, Sitting Bull?
- I thought this was a powwow?
- No, it's more like a talent show.
400 years ago,
Indians standin' on the East Coast,
watchin' those first ships come in.
One Indian says to the other
"That's our problem. "
"We don't have any immigration laws. "
Hello!
Anyway, before we had indoor plumbing
we did all our celebrating outdoors.
Once we got electricity,
I rigged up lights to all the outhouses,
and became the first Indian
to wire ahead for reservations!
I'm outta here.
So anyway, without any further to-do,
let's give a warm welcome
to the little lady with bells on her toes:
ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Marilyn Whirlwind!
"My movie. "
"An... 18-year-old...
Indian named Ed
lives in a town called Cicely. "
"Which is in Alaska,
with a population of 839."
"There's a gas station, barber's shop,
Holling's Bar and a general store. "
"And everyone here
gets along pretty well together. "
- And a half.
- And a half.
Mmm.
Let's see.
That is nine pounds this month.
Which means by the time this baby is due
you should put on about 80 pounds.
- Which means only one thing.
- It's a boy?
Slow down.
You're eating like there is no tomorrow.
- You want your breakfast burrito back?
- I want you to be able to do your jeans up.
I thought maybe they'd just shrunk.
- Is everything else OK?
- Mm-hm.
- My breasts are growing.
- That's perfectly normal.
It's like they're bein' pumped up,
you know? Like a tyre.
Holling says my nipples
are as hard as sapphires.
Yeah, well...
OK. Is that a question?
- They can't get so big they'll burst?
- No, they cannot do that.
Thank goodness.
- You got anything else to eat?
- No, you've had my breakfast.
Unless you wanna wash it down
with what's left of my coffee.
Nah. Thank you.
Nothing personal, Dr Fleischman,
but you don't use enough milk.
Just one more little thing,
and then you are free to go.
Oh, please. Please, no.
Not that, Dr Fleischman!
- Shh.
- Please!
Close your eyes.
Before you know it, it's all over.
Do you have to?
I just hate needles.
I hate them so much.
There's no other way
for me to draw blood.
I didn't do it last time
cos you promised me this time...
I know, but...
Couldn't you take it from somebody else
and say it's mine?
You know I can't do that.
Shh-shh.
There's a Mars bar in that medicine
cabinet with your name on it.
Mars bar?
- Can I scream?
- I'll shut the door.
- It is noise!
- What are you talkin' about?
It's very melodic. Indian music
has its own very specific lyricisms.
It sounds like people
are throwin' garbage cans around.
It's a lot of caterwaulin'.
It is noise.
- I like it...
- Put on a show tune, huh? "Carousel"?
I like it when you play...
when you talk on the air.
I like it when you talk
to people on the radio.
- I play the records, you run the station!
- Play Schubert.
Play Edith Piaf. Put somethin' on
that's got somethin' to it!
I'm playin' what I wanna play.
The deal is,
play what you want, as long as I like it.
- That's the deal? Forget it!
- All right, forget it.
Make my day.
Ed! Ed.
Are you all right, Ed?
Huh?
Out of the kindness of my heart,
and against my better judgement,
I've allowed you to come up here and use
my Macintosh to work on that film script.
And what do I see as the sum total
of all my well-intentioned efforts?
A blank screen
and a lot of wasted electricity.
What, you got writer's block, Ed?
- I guess.
- Writer's block, my diddly!
Give a stud a gun, a car.
Throw in a good-lookin' woman,
then you've got yourself a movie.
Grope and kill. Grope and kill.
Pretty soon they'll be namin'
overstuffed sandwiches for you.
- Are you gonna finish the spuds?
- Uh-uh.
Mind if I pick?
- Holling says you're in a dance contest.
- Yes.
You think you can teach me
the hippy-hop?
It's Indian dancing.
Oh.
Never mind.
- Can I get you somethin'?
- Yeah, I'm lookin' for Shelly Tambo.
She's in the kitchen.
Yeah, well,
tell her Wayne's here to see her.
- Will she know what this is about?
- She better.
- What are you doing here?
- I could ask you the same thing.
I live here. With him.
- I should have figured.
- And what's that supposed to mean?
"You're always so immature, Wayne. "
- You are immature, Wayne.
- I was. Maybe.
- But I'm mature now.
- Yeah, right.
- Like by dropping in unannounced?
- I couldn't get to a phone.
- For 600 miles?
- And I was in a hurry.
Shelly, I haven't had the pleasure
of makin' the acquaintance of your friend.
No friend of mine.
This is Wayne. Holling.
How do you do, Wayne?
- How'd you find me anyways?
- Cindy told me you were here.
- She told you that?!
- I'll let you young people catch up.
She knew how mad I was at you
for knocking out Jimmy.
Just cos he said
I had nice legs!
I wasn't the one
rode home with Bucky.
I couldn't get far away
from you fast enough.
Good! I'm glad.
- So why'd you follow me?
- I'm not followin' you.
- I wanna marry Cindy.
- Cindy?
Yeah. And she wants to marry me too.
- She does?
- She does.
But she's my best friend, Wayne!
She was.
You haven't seen her in 18 months.
But you always said I was the pretty one
and she was the bodyguard.
She's lost weight
and her face has cleared up.
- She's much prettier than you are now.
- Well, then maybe you should marry her.
But I hope she realises
how really immature you are.
I can't very well marry Cindy
till I first divorce you.
I don't think they need a physical to renew
my pilot's licence, but for insurance.
You've practically no blood pressure,
less body fat,
perfect vision,
perfect teeth, perfect...
Perfect what? What?
- What's this?
- That? That's a pimple.
- No, it's not.
- It's not? I thought it was a pimple.
- It's not.
- What is it?
It's a dermatofibroma.
A growth.
- You mean, like a tumour?
- Uh-huh. Is it tender?
- No.
- How long have you noticed it?
I don't know. Months.
- Has it changed in shape or size?
- I don't know.
I wouldn't get too concerned about it. As
we get older, cysts develop on our body.
Now, we don't know precisely why,
but by and large they are benign,
which, in all likelihood, this is.
- What if it's not?
- I'm pretty sure it is.
- Well, what if it's not? Is it cancer?
- It would be, yes.
But in my experience, I've seen this many
times, and only once was it malignant.
The time that it was bad,
is the person OK?
- No, but...
- No? He's dead?
- Yeah, but...
- How long did he live?
- Six months, but...
- Six months?!
Rick, don't make yourself crazy.
It's almost certainly...
- Maggie and I have been together a year.
- That... that... OK. So?
Before me there were a few others, Joel.
- Well, she's not exactly a kid.
- I mean, I'm not the first to go.
Oh.
I'm not saying this has anything to do
with anything, but guys die on her.
That's a fact. I never put
too much stock in it, but they do.
Would you like me to remove the cyst
and have it biopsied?
Under the circumstances, that probably
would be... Can you do it now?
- You forgot to tell me you were married?!
- Yes.
Don't tell me
you've never forgotten anything.
We were almost married, Shelly!
Almost doesn't count
in horseshoes or marriage.
Besides,
me and Wayne aren't really married.
- You're not?
- Course not.
We didn't have a wedding or anything
like that. I didn't even wear a dress.
There was just a judge that we woke up
in the night cos Wayne had a few beers.
He was all worked up
over some dumb hockey game.
He kept pushin' and pushin',
so just to shut him up I said yes.
- What?
- Orders are backing up.
Everybody'll just have to wait,
then, won't they?
OK!
All right, I admit it.
I did have a crush on Wayne.
But that was high school.
What we did in cars and pick-ups,
we didn't do it with our hearts,
like you and me.
- Oh, I...
- You what?
I feel bad enough about stealing you from
Maurice. I didn't know you were married.
You didn't steal me, Holling!
I came to you, cos I wanted to.
- Would you please say something?
- It's not right.
I don't know...
Why are you making such a big deal
about this? We love each other.
Wayne just showed up
cos he wants a divorce.
If he hadn't,
you never would have known about him.
I don't think it's proper for a man
to be living with another man's wife.
What are you tryin' to say, Holling?
I think maybe we should be living apart,
till your divorce comes through.
You do?
OK.
So I'll just pack a few things
and move out for a while.
No, it's your place. I'll move out.
I gotta get back to work.
Malignant melanoma is an extremely rare
form of cancer. Extremely rare.
Statistically,
I would say the odds are at least 100-1...
- You said 1,000.
- I'm sorry, you're right. 1,000-1.
- But you have seen it before?
- Yeah, once.
- And the patient is...?
- Dead.
- Yeah, but...
- Once it's in the lungs, I'm history.
True, but the odds are in your favour.
Right, well...
Well, what?
Well, it's obvious
this is much ado about nothing.
Clearly, you've blown this
out of proportion.
- Dr Fleischman says you don't have it.
- He says probably I don't have it.
He said most likely.
The odds are 1,000-1.
Why would you be the one in a thousand?
This is ridiculous. You're not that special.
When do we know for sure?
- Can I get you another one?
- Yeah. Make it a lite, I'm gettin' a gut.
- She's a pretty good waitress, I bet.
- Yes, she is.
She used to be able to line six plates up
her forearm, five cups and five saucers,
and not drop one - with one hand.
- She still do that?
- What's that?
That thing with the plates and cups?
On occasion.
She's put on a couple of pounds.
Looks good on her.
- She's pregnant.
- You the daddy?
- Uh-huh.
- I should've knocked her up myself.
Thought I did. Slapshot right
into the net. Did she tell you?
Course not. Why would she?
My wife, your baby.
Is this world goin' to hell, or what?
Well, congratulations anyway.
I guess.
- I appreciate that.
- She ever mention me? Wayne Jones?
Never did.
Boy, when she gets mad,
she can sure hold a grudge.
- How old are you?
- 20.
That's a whole lot different than 19.
- She still into hockey?
- Ice hockey?
Yeah. I'm a hockey player.
I'd be playin' for the Flames by now
if it wasn't for her.
She took the fire outta me.
I didn't wanna fight or stick.
I didn't wanna crush nobody's skull in.
Instead of goin' high in the draft, I go
on a bender and get thrown in the can.
- That's a shame.
- Once I get this divorce thing settled,
I'm gonna start kickin'
some major-league butt.
I got a slapshot
like you wouldn't believe, mister.
She was one lousy wife, you know that?
But she's got more curves on that bod
than the Stanley Cup.
Non-specific urethritis.
It's not catchy, but you ought to
keep the falcon under wraps for a while.
- You know what I'm talkin' about?
- Yeah.
Hey! Hey! I'm crossin' here!
I'm crossin' here!
You don't talk to a learned physician
that way! Same to you, pal!
Can't wait to get that jerk in the examining
room. I got a barium enema for him.
I'll take you to Donald Trump,
a friend of mine.
- You know Donald Trump?
- I started him out in the business.
Oh, boy!
OK, thanks.
All right.
Hey, Ed.
You mean to tell me
her nipples are hard as sapphires,
she's been eating like two horses,
her breasts are growin' by leaps
and bounds, and she's not pregnant?!
- That's right.
- Joel, are you sure about this?
- Absolutely.
- How can this be?
Hysterical pregnancies
are highly unusual. Extremely unusual.
But apparently her body
has convinced itself that it's pregnant...
with all the physical manifestations
of pregnancy.
And yet, the fact is, her blood test
indicates that she is not pregnant.
And the results, I'm afraid,
are indisputable.
There is, however, no reason to assume
that this means that next time
you won't actually be pregnant.
It's for the best anyway.
I wouldn't wanna bring
a baby into the world
when her daddy's not sure
he loves her momma.
Just cos her momma is married!
Would you?
- Thanks for letting me stay over, Maggie.
- No problem, Shelly.
Rick's in Fairbanks on business,
so I'm glad to have the company.
How long does it take
to get a divorce anyway?
I don't know. You hungry?
No. Thanks.
Ever since I found out I'm not pregnant,
I don't seem to have an appetite.
- Why are they like that?
- Who?
Boys.
Beats the hell out of me.
They got rules about everything, that's got
nothing to do with how anybody feels.
Then you break one of their stupid
little rules, and they fall to pieces.
Yeah. Yeah, Rick thinks I think
he's in Fairbanks on business.
Yeah, right. Like I don't know
what he's really doin' in Fairbanks.
What is he doin' there?
He thinks I'm killing him, the way I kill
all the guys I go out with. Which I don't.
I just have bad luck with men.
They do stupid things and die, and then
I'm supposed to feel responsible?
Of course not!
If Wayne were dead,
Holling would feel real bad for me.
But since he's alive, Holling's mad at me.
Doesn't make much sense, does it?
Men don't make sense.
They think they do, but they don't.
- You know who makes sense?
- Girls?
Nobody. Nobody makes any sense.
But at least females
have the sense to know that
and don't get bent out of shape
about everything.
If that's Holling, tell him something!
- I'm Wayne. Is my wife here?
- What do you want?
- I wanna talk to you, that's what I want.
- You better not try anything immature.
- You hear?
- Yes. I won't.
Let him in.
It's OK, Maggie.
You can leave us alone.
Just put Fang outside
until Wayne leaves.
- Fang.
- Who's Fang?
A killer pit bull.
If I scream, shoot him.
Look...
I'm sorry your old man kicked you out
cos I showed up.
- He is pretty old, though, Shelly.
- So?
He's got longevity in his genes -
something you probably don't even know
what I'm talkin' about.
I hear you ain't pregnant neither.
I'm not gonna lie to you. When I heard
you was pregnant, I... I felt bad.
I thought "How come this old guy
can do it and I can't?" Couldn't.
- Remember?
- Of course I remember. I'm not senile.
Did you marry me
cos you thought you was pregnant?
No!
Not that it matters now, but no.
I just have a tendency to get hysterically
pregnant when I get a crush on a guy.
I don't know why. It's an indisputable
scientific fact of nature.
Huh?
So you mean you did dig me?
Do you think I would have done it
with you in your pick-up,
not to mention marry you,
if I didn't like you?
- Shelly?
- What?
I decided to give you another chance.
Not that I was plannin' on forgivin' you.
But you are my wife, and you're prettier
than Cindy, so you can come home now.
I don't wanna come home!
I am home.
I am the one that's being the big man
here. I'm forgivin' you.
Forgive yourself, Wayne!
OK. Just calm down, all right?
Just think about what I'm saying.
We're married, Shelly.
We're husband and wife, remember?
You don't wanna let bein' mad
throw all that away, do you?
Anyways, the guy kicked you out.
Shelly, you've got the best body
of anybody I know.
And I'm gonna start playin' hockey again.
Don't you remember
comin' to the hockey games?
I never wanted to divorce you anyway.
My game has been all messed up
because all I do is think about you all day.
Listen, I got a tank full of gas outside,
and I'm ready to go.
I'll think about it.
Well, can I see you again
before you give me an answer?
You mean, like a date?
It wouldn't really be like a date -
we're married.
Yeah, that's true.
You'd better go now, Wayne.
I'm confused.
Good night, Shelly.
Sleep tight,
don't let the beddy-bugs bite.
Good night, Wayne.
I appreciate you not gettin' fresh.
Yeah.
- Lookin' great!
- I'm not in the mood, Fleischman.
I'm serious.
I'm payin' you a compliment.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Why?
Because it's as flattering a haircut
on you as it was on Dorothy.
Hamill.
Come on, you remember.
Innsbruck, winter of '76.
America's sweetheart.
I don't know who had it worse for her,
me or Jim McKay.
I'm happy if we're able to conjure up
a pleasant, if unfulfilled, fantasy.
Talk about a head of hair!
Do you skate?
Are you here for any particular reason?
Well, I was wondering if you wanted
to go to the powwow with me.
You're going?!
Yeah.
Why not? I admit, I don't ordinarily
march to the beat of a snare drum,
but it is Marilyn, and with Rick away,
you might want someone to chant with.
What's that supposed to mean?
That crack about Rick being away.
- What crack?
- Rick's got a little tumour.
- OK!
- Nothing more, nothing less.
I don't want you makin'
a bigger deal out of this than it is.
I just came in here to...
Thousands of people
get tumours every day.
People I've never laid eyes on
get tumours. Some die, some don't.
That's just the way it is with tumours.
- I know. I am a doctor, remember?
- All finished.
I am very comfortable with who I am and
what I may be putting out to the universe,
and Rick did not skip town
on some trumped-up trip to Fairbanks
just to get away from me, Fleischman.
Tumours happen!
- Look, O'Connell, I don't know what you...
- Keep it zipped, Fleischman, OK?
I tell you I set a new record? Eight
Double Fatburgers in an hour and a half?
So?
So, nobody puts on the feedbag
like Wayne Jones.
There are more important things
than Fatburgers.
I know. Hockey and sex. But there's still
enough room on this planet for small talk.
Remember this, Shelly?
- Remember what?
- Our song. They're playin' our song.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
3am, a boy and a girl
alone and in love on a pool table?
If this guy doesn't quit staring at you,
I'm gonna kick his butt in.
Would you please grow up?
I'm not your squeeze any more.
But you are my wife, and if he doesn't
quit starin', I'm gonna kick his butt in!
Come on, they're playin' our song.
You know, I've still got
our wedding picture, Shel.
Cindy didn't like it hangin' in the car,
so I put it up over the bar at Keller's Place.
Let's dance real close.
Holling?
Who's the kid?
Why's he smearin' ketchup
all over Shelly's ass?
Agh!
What the hell's the matter with you?
- Feel pain?
- No.
- Now?
- No.
- Agh!
- OK. OK.
I've seen this sort of neck lock before,
but they were stiffs on a slab
and I had a crowbar.
- Has this ever happened in the past?
- Once. A bear tried to unscrew my head.
I don't remember it bein' this painful.
I suggest you square things with Shelly
before you start pretzellin' up.
Joel, I may not be able to eat, sleep,
or turn to the right,
but Shelly is a married woman
and her husband is in town.
To get a divorce, which Shelly
not only agreed on, but wants.
They are dancin' cheek to cheek
as we speak.
Is that right? So they're doin' a turn
on the dance floor for old time's sake...
Look me in the eye,
tell me you don't love each other.
Wait, look. You broke up with Shelly
at a very vulnerable time in her life.
She is probably feeling very confused.
- What would you do, Joel?
- What would I do, what?
If the same circumstances presented
themselves to you and your fianc?e.
What would I do if Elaine's husband
showed up at our apartment door?
Uh...
That's...
it's an interesting question, Holling.
I'd be more than happy
to answer it, except that, uh...
we're not from Alaska. We're from
Flushing, which is in Queens, New York.
That sort of thing
just doesn't happen in New York.
Well, of course, it does.
It just doesn't.
What would I do if Elaine's husband
showed up at our apartment door?
Drop her.
- Says who?
- Says me.
Drop her.
- You can't have her. She's mine.
- I don't want her, you moron!
But Holling does.
He doesn't pack an iron any more.
Me and him... we're pals.
- Evenin', Shelly.
- You.
What happened to you?!
Wayne didn't hi...?
Oh, no. Nothin' like that.
It's just a little crick in my neck, is all.
I was wonderin'
if I might have a word with you.
Well...
OK.
- How's the divorce comin' along?
- The divorce? My divorce?
Uh... well, yes.
- Why?
- Well, I been reconsidering the situation.
I think that under the circumstances
we should overlook the marriage
and... get back together.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yes. I do.
- Why?
- Well...
Wayne is a fine, fine young man
with a bright future,
but he did have that look in his eye
when you two were dancin'.
I wouldn't want him
to get the wrong idea.
- And what idea is that?
- You know.
That we would let a silly little thing
like a marriage vow come between us.
Were you spying on us?
In my bar?!
No.
Why shouldn't he have that look
in his eye? After all, he is my husband.
Something that I didn't think was
such a big deal, but you obviously do.
- Did.
- So maybe I won't get divorced.
Maybe I'll move back
to Saskatchewan with Wayne.
If I can't count on you when something
as piddly as a husband pops up,
what happens when
the really big stuff hits?
So you can just forget it, Holling.
I don't care if your neck never gets better,
cos you always hit the kerb
making a right turn anyway.
How's the movie goin'?
Not so well. I don't think me and the new
Hollywood should be in bed together.
- What?
- You know, blockbusters.
$100m box office.
That's all they say they want
down there these days.
- I don't think I have one of those in me.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
Thanks.
MTV says it all started
with Steven and the shark.
Then came the extraterrestrial, and
George brought us R2-D2, Indiana Jones,
Batman, Dick Tracy.
Entertainment Tonight
calls it "high concept".
- Hmm.
- Yeah, hmm.
I don't think I'm
a high concept kind of guy.
Wait a minute,
what about Woody Allen?
- What about him?
- Thought you told me he was a genius?
Oh, yeah! Woody's my man. Annie Hall,
Manhattan, Stardust Memories...
Plus Take the Money and Run
and Bananas.
Before he became ashamed
of bein' funny.
Not to mention
Crimes and Misdemeanors.
I never heard of that one.
It was only the best film of 1989!
As far as I'm concerned.
- Is that on cassette yet?
- I don't know.
But the point is, Woody Allen doesn't write
blockbusters and Hollywood likes him.
Write like he writes.
Oh. You mean a movie about
neurotic intellectuals in New York.
No, I don't mean write what he writes.
Write the way he does.
He writes about things he knows.
Look, Woody Allen is Jewish
and from New York, right?
That's probably why he writes about it,
because that's what he knows about.
You mean, like, it's easy for him?
Yeah. Sort of.
Hey, Dave, I can't eat this breakfast.
These eggs look stupid.
Where's that little round bone in the ham?
Shelly!
What? I gotta work.
I want a hamburger. I wanna know
if we're goin' back to Canada too.
- Can't this wait?
- No, I'm hungry.
Dave, throw on a burger.
Horns off.
- I'm not going back.
- You want me to live here?
No... it's over
between me and you.
Give me one good reason.
I don't have to.
I just don't love you any more.
I'm sorry, but I don't.
I mean...
I just can't cuddle up next to somebody
if I don't have that special feeling.
Shelly, I just put new shocks on the truck.
It's smoother back there than a water bed!
Sorry.
Take this away.
I can't eat now.
Look at it this way,
at least we have Saskatchewan.
I mean, we didn't - we lost it.
Until you showed up.
At least now we're still friends.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, I guess.
And besides,
Cindy's got the hots for you.
- Yeah?
- She always has.
Yeah, well, she oughta. I'm the best
stick man there is, including Gretzky.
- I'm really glad you showed up, Wayne.
- You are?
Yeah. I gotta get back to work.
I suppose I should hit the highway.
Get back to Cindy.
Yeah.
By the way, Shelly.
I'm a little low on gas money.
See you, Wayne.
When I mentioned that I would hear
the results of the biopsy at 11 o'clock,
what I meant was
around 11 o'clock, you know?
- Which could mean 11.15, 11.30.
- All right.
- Gotcha.
- It makes sense to me.
So, if you have somewhere else to be,
I'll get in touch with you as soon as I hear.
- I'm all right.
- No problem.
Look, try Serrano again,
and tell him I'll hold.
So anyway, how was Fairbanks?
Fine. Fine. Just one of those
unavoidable 24-hour runs.
You know the life of an Alaskan bush pilot.
Here today, Fairbanks tomorrow.
I think Rick phrased it the best:
unavoidable.
- Couldn't be helped.
- Yeah.
Oh! Did I tell you I happened
to talk to my mom last night?
- Really? How is she?
- Fine. Fine.
- She sends her love.
- Me too.
When I told her about your bump,
do you know what she said?
- No.
- No.
I'll be darned if she didn't say just the right
thing again. You know what she said?
- No.
- No.
She said that we are gonna come out
of this... I mean, just happier than ever.
What did she say?
How did she phrase it?
Like "a bridge over troubled waters"
or "a jaw broken
but mended stronger than ever".
She said "The two of you will emerge
from this as one solid, seamless bond. "
- Isn't that nice?
- I love Mom.
Yeah.
Serrano on one.
We've only got one line!
Phil. Joel.
Yeah, give me what you got.
Huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Hmm?
Uh-huh?
OK, OK. Thanks, Phil.
Yeah.
You are fine.
- Thank God!
- Thank you, God.
- Thank God!
- Oh, thank you, God!
- Now get the hell out!
- What?
You thought it was me,
and you ran like a rabbit.
- Maggie, I just thought...
- The O'Connell curse struck again, huh?
- Maggie, sweetheart, I had a growth!
- You had a bump you tried blamin' on me.
So fly away to Anchorage or Nome
or Timbuktu for all I care.
Cos let me tell you somethin':
you may not be dyin', but you're gone!
Maggie, sweetheart...
Maggie!
I heard Wayne went back to Canada.
Is someone in a neck brace
speaking to me?
- Because I have nothing to say to him.
- Shelly, honey...
Don't you "Shelly, honey" me.
Wayne's leaving had nothing to do
with you, so don't get any ideas.
I am finished with men
for the rest of my life.
But I admit I was wrong.
Well, it's too late.
You are out of my life for ever.
Agh! Ohhh!
Are you all right?
Lay your head on the bar.
Ah. Oh, yeah.
- Better?
- Mm-hm.
Maybe just a little to the left.
Yeah. Ah.
Ah, yeah.
- Better?
- Uh-huh.
Does this mean
we can get back together?
No! I'm only doing this
because I don't like pain.
I got a lot of that,
and I don't mean just in my neck either.
You should have thought about that.
Shelly, please!
I am a man with his head on the bar.
You've flipped your last flop on me,
Holling.
I never figured I'd be foolin' around
with a married woman.
- I said...
- Agh!
I forgot.
I know you did.
And I should have been with you
through the thick and thin.
I am truly sorry I let you down.
I got myself in a real pickle, Shelly.
- Here I am, old enough to be your father...
- Grandfather.
.. and I'm head over heels over you.
I've lived my life out in the open,
but I've kept my heart sheltered.
Then you appeared
and turned me inside out.
I don't know
whether I'm comin' or goin' any more.
I can't see straight,
I can't think right.
What I believe,
who I think I am,
all of it comes to naught
when it comes to you.
I may not know how to be with you,
but I can't bear livin' without you.
I'm sorry I forgot I was married.
And as far as me and Wayne
are concerned,
he may be less than
half as old as you are,
but he's also
less than half the man you are.
I saw my people
I saw above me
That endless skyway
I saw below me
That golden valley
This land was made
for you and me
This land is your land
This land is my land
From California...
Why are you sitting
directly above and behind me?
Who died and made you chief?!
I reserved seating.
Everything OK with you and Rick?
- What is this, 20 questions?
- Sorry! Touchy!
Thank you. All right, let's hear it
for Enzo and the Native Americans!
Beautiful!
A piece of spiritual singing at its best.
Is everybody havin' a good time?
Yeah, beautiful.
Before I bring on tonight's headliners,
I got a few jokes hidden around
somewhere, just cryin' to get out.
- Is he kidding?
- What did you expect, Sitting Bull?
- I thought this was a powwow?
- No, it's more like a talent show.
400 years ago,
Indians standin' on the East Coast,
watchin' those first ships come in.
One Indian says to the other
"That's our problem. "
"We don't have any immigration laws. "
Hello!
Anyway, before we had indoor plumbing
we did all our celebrating outdoors.
Once we got electricity,
I rigged up lights to all the outhouses,
and became the first Indian
to wire ahead for reservations!
I'm outta here.
So anyway, without any further to-do,
let's give a warm welcome
to the little lady with bells on her toes:
ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Marilyn Whirlwind!
"My movie. "
"An... 18-year-old...
Indian named Ed
lives in a town called Cicely. "
"Which is in Alaska,
with a population of 839."
"There's a gas station, barber's shop,
Holling's Bar and a general store. "
"And everyone here
gets along pretty well together. "