Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 1, Episode 5 - Russian Flu - full transcript

This is "Chris in the Morning".
Special days call for special songs.

This one's for you, Doc.

Who put the bomp
in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp?

Who put the ram
in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?

Who put the bop
in the bop-she-bop-she-bop?

Who put the dip
in the dip-di-dip-di-dip?

Who was that man?

I'd like to shake his hand

He made my baby fall in love with me

Yeah

When my baby heard



"Bomp a-ba-bomp a-bomp
a- bomp-bomp"

Every word went right into her heart

And when she heard them singing

"Ram-a-lam a-lam-a-lam-a-lam
a- ding-dong"

She said we'd never have to part

So who put the bomp
in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp...

After you've been in a place
for a while, everything starts to look...

I won't say better-
there's no need to go to extremes -

but your everyday life
does become more... familiar.

You begin to recognise the faces -

which is understandable, since
they're the only ones you see any more.

But the locals know me,
and know it's been two months

since my fianc?e Elaine and I
have been together.

Sure, we talk on the phone regularly and
I've even dropped her a missive or two.



But lonely-guy letters and long-distance
calls are a poor substitute for a big kiss

and a big, big hug.

So they're goin' all-out
to make it a special weekend.

Holling's taking us
to his favourite scenic spot

so we can take a romantic photograph
to send as a New Year's card,

Chris Stevens is gonna play some
of our faves on the morning show...

Even Marilyn has promised not
to drive me crazy, so I'm a happy camper.

And you are not.

- You got a little something for my throat?
- You haven't swallowed in ten minutes.

Not a good sign
when you're runnin' 102.

Great!

Sorry. It should run its course
in a couple of days.

But I got a round-tripper waitin'
in Anchorage.

Well, you'd better cancel it.

I can't do that. I got paid in advance.

Well, you go up in an unpressurised cabin
with your tubes clogged,

you can easily do permanent damage
to your eardrums.

Call me old-fashioned,
but I don't think it's worth the risk.

You gotta have somethin'
that can fix me up.

Outside of rest
and my bubbe's recipe for chicken soup,

all we can do
is let the virus run its course.

Nine years in the twilight game
and I never stranded a passenger before.

- You tell him it was doctor's orders.
- It's a her.

I'm sure she'll forgive you.

Poor gal's flying all the way in
from New York City.

By any chance is this "poor gal's" name
Elaine Schulman?

That's amazing.

No, no... This is my fianc?e
you are not flying in. This is impossible.

I made the reservation through
Charles Murphy and Sons, and you are...

- Red's my nickname.
- Can't your sons cover for you?

Martin's four, Brett is two...

The old lady said a family operation
would give me a competitive edge.

I paid you in advance!

Doctor's orders.

There's got to be someone, Ed. How
about Charlie Bates? Is he a good pilot?

When he's sober.

No drunks, no felons
and no one named Maggie.

Her real name's Mary-Margaret.

You gotta understand,
Elaine is a nice person. Too nice.

A vindictive piece of shrapnel like Maggie

would gladly rip her to shreds
to get back at me.

- She'd do that?
- You'd better believe she would.

My pilot just flew in the door.

Hey, Rick.

The Don Johnson look is a bit out of date,
but it looks all right on you.

What?

I'm in a jam. What are you doin'
for the next few hours?

- Sleeping.
- Sleeping?

Yeah. I flew out to Kodiak, over to Pingo
Lake, down to Kenai, over to Seward,

up to Talkeetna and back home again
all in one day.

What'll it take to persuade you to hop
down to Anchorage on a mercy mission?

Yeah, right. Save my spot, will ya?

Thanks, Rick. Stop by the office
next time you swallow poison.

It doesn't look like Holling
can take you on that trip tomorrow.

It doesn't look
like Elaine will make it either.

- Where's Holling gonna be?
- In bed.

- You guys!
- No. He's sick.

And Holling doesn't get sick
unless it's major.

You never get sick if you live right
and keep your negative vibes to yourself.

- I'll stop by.
- Would you?

Charlie Bates has been
on the wagon for three months.

- Is he available?
- Yeah.

But his plane won't be
out of the shop till Tuesday.

OK. OK.

Certain things were said regarding
an air-conditioning unit, and I regret that.

Go on.

I imagine certain colourful phrases came
out of your mouth that you regret as well.

Go on.

Elaine is flying into Anchorage today.

- What time?
- 2.15.

- Well, I guess I'd better get going.
- Wait... You'll do it?

- Like to make other arrangements?
- No, no, that's great. It's just...

What?

Being my fianc?e,
Elaine is very special to me.

I would hope so.

I don't want any white-knucklers up there.

And try to keep any extraneous remarks
or bogus opinions you have about me,

or any... matters of consequence
to yourself for the duration of the flight.

Grow up. You need a pilot, I'm a pilot.
It's a business transaction.

- Exactly. It's just business.
- Exactly.

That's why I'm charging you double.

Joey! Where's all the snow?

And the Eskimos and the igloos
and the glaciers?

Wha-ha-hey!

Hi, honey.

Gets a little hairy goin' over those peaks
with all those air pockets, huh?

- Piece of cake when you got an A pilot.
- The ride's only as good as its passenger.

- Am I missing something here?
- Yeah. Me.

You got that right.

I was worried about you.

- I brought everything on your wish list.
- I'll vouch for that.

Help her.

With what she's charging,
she can carry it.

What do you mean?

- She is?
- Yeah. Isn't that nice?

Let's see, here you go...
And this is for you.

Here's a little-known biblical fact: when
Moses led the Israelites out of bondage,

what he was really looking for
was a pastrami on rye from the Stage Deli.

- Does my Elaine take care of me or what?
- You're a lucky man, Fleischman.

So, Maggie, we'll see you,
say, 6.30 tonight?

6.30. Sounds good. Bye.

If it's such a big deal,
we'll call them and cancel.

No, we'll go through with it.

I'm sorry. I thought you two were buddies.
What's wrong with her?

For starters, her boyfriend's
from a long line of Cossacks.

Well, I think Maggie is terrific.

She reminds me of Kate Grubin -
after she got her nose fixed.

I don't know,
she just rubs me the wrong way.

But... hopefully you still remember
how to rub me the right way.

Oh, Joey, you're so tight!

It's Alaska. It's completely constricting
my central nervous system. Ahh...

Then maybe we should cancel tonight.

- Ed?
- You must be Elaine.

- What are you doing here?
- Maurice needs you.

See? This is why I need
a major law firm behind me.

Why exactly does Maurice
need to see me?

He's sick.

Oh.

- Him and Chris are in your office.
- Chris is sick too?

Chris is puking. Maurice is sick.

Welcome to Cicely.

Don't worry about me. I'll grab dinner
with Maggie, make it a girls' night out.

Hey, you look terrific.

You're listening
to the Chris in the Morning Show.

This is Ed for Chris, who woke up
on the funky side of the bed this morning,

so he asked Will Cutter to fill in for him,
but Cutter came down with a fever.

So did Annie Hendrix
and Holling Vincoeur and Bill Casebear,

so I volunteered
to cover the request lines.

So if there's anything
you wanna say or hear,

you can say or hear it right here on
the Minnifield Communications Network.

And... I hope you all get to feeling better,

and that goes double and triple
for you, Maurice.

And this is something I've wanted to do
for a long time, so here goes...

Gooood morning, Cicely!

New York, New York, big city of dreams

But everything in New York
ain't always what it seems

You might get fooled
if you come from out of town

But I'm down by law
and I know my way around

Too much, too many people, too much

Too much, too many people, too much

Agh!

Dr Serrano, I know that the flu season
doesn't officially begin for two months,

but try tellin' that to the people who've
been barfing in my bathroom all night.

If you smelt what is wafting in
from my waiting room,

you'd appreciate the delicacy
of the situation. Marilyn!

And this from a guy
who's used the facilities at Coney Island.

Something stinks worse than ever. Use
the disinfectant - lemon-scented, not pine.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

Now, clinically speaking,
this is not an epidemic yet,

but none of these people are inoculated
and they lack a certain savoir-faire

when it comes to most of the common
medical practices of the 20th century...

Hold on.

Marilyn!

That stench is getting worse. Now please!
I will be off the phone in a second.

I cannot wait for the paperwork
to catch up with the virus.

I need a nurse starting yesterday,
bags of IV fluid,

I need vats of chicken soup
airlifted from Brooklyn,

and I need to see my fianc?e.

She's in town for a very limited
time frame, and she hasn't called, so...

Please, whatever you can do
to speed things up, hurry.

Thank you.

Marilyn, wha...

What are you doing? Wha...

What are they doing?!
What is that? Gimme this!

Gimme that. Excuse me... Ugh!

Stop this! What is this?

An ancient tribal remedy.

It smells like moose dung!
What is in there?

Hi-yo-hi-yo-ip-se-ni-yo.

- What?
- It's a tribal remedy.

Please, take your hi-yo outside
where I can't smell it!

And clean yourself up, all of you!
I'll get some towels.

Where are the towels?

- What were you thinking?
- I was just helping them.

What's the native logic? If you feel
like crap, you should smell like it too?

It works.

Marilyn, I am a medical doctor, a man
of science and reason and learning.

I can be sued for malpractice
for treating a viral infection with...

What was in that bucket anyway?

- You don't tell me, I swear...
- Flowers for Joey Fleischman.

- "Joey"?
- Just give 'em the towels.

Joey?

Elaine?

In here.

Hello, Dr Fleischman.

Hello, Ms Schulman.
How good to see you again.

I've been keeping a spot
nice and warm for you.

The very spot
I've been thinking about all day.

- Notice anything different?
- You got a tattoo?

Yeah. But I was talking
about the air conditioner.

- Who hooked that up?
- Maggie.

- She was here?
- You just missed her.

She hooked this up no problem,
no commentary?

- You're lucky to have her for a super.
- Lucky?!

If we were in New York, I'd be suing her
for harassment and non-support.

Joel!

She called me
a pathological neurotic, OK?

You know how the imprecise use
of medical terminology drives me crazy.

I know. But it seems a little superfluous
to use an air conditioner in Alaska.

- The hum helps me get to sleep.
- We have to do our part to save energy.

Discussing Maggie's conservation tips
is about the last thing I wanna do now.

What's just about the first?

I can barely remember.

Well, why don't you lie down over here
and I'll help jog your memory?

Do you realise how close you came
to subverting my romantic inclinations?

- How close?
- Very.

How close?

Joel...

- As close as close gets.
- Your Indian friend is in the doorway.

- Ed?!
- Sorry, Dr Fleischman.

Maurice has called
an emergency town meeting.

- What's that got to do with me?
- You're the featured speaker.

I don't like a sick town.

It's bad for business, it's bad for morale,
it's bad for your health.

Now we brought this man here to keep us
healthy, and here we are, all sick!

And we've got a right to know
why you've failed us so miserably!

OK, OK. Thank you
for that gracious introduction, Maurice.

Just answer the question.

OK, OK.

OK, I will. I will.

I believe the first question is how come
there is no known cure for the flu?

Now, stripping away all the jargon
and the platitudes, the real answer is...

beats the hell outta me.

So, working with that premise,
the next question becomes

isn't there something that
we in the medical community - i. e., me -

can do for you, the afflicted,
for the next 36 to 48 hours,

or until this virus realises it'd find a more
evolved immune system in the lower 48?

The answer is, not a helluva lot,

except try and answer your questions
in a calm and reasonable manner.

Just what kind of flu
have we got here, Doc?

That's an excellent question, Holling.

A flu virus is named for its point of origin.

The Shanghai flu, the Hong Kong flu,
the Russian flu, the Westchester...

- So it could be Russian flu?
- Certainly.

I never did trust Gorbachev.

We all know that glasnost's
just a big crock anyway.

Wait a second... One thing's
got nothing to do with the other.

Perestroika is a total failure too!

- The whole Commie system's bankrupt!
- It's beside the point!

It's pretty sad when the Soviets'
only hope for world domination

is to send a flock of sick birds
across the Bering Strait.

Don't be ridiculous! This is not a political
conspiracy, this is a medical problem.

- That's easy for you to say!
- What is that supposed to mean?

It means your grandfather
was probably a Trotskyite.

And your parents marched in candlelit
vigils for Julius and Ethel Rosenberg!

Maurice?

- We're sick of resting!
- And we're tired of fluids!

We want answers, and we want 'em now!

Why don't you go down to the lower 48
and bring us back a vaccine?

People get mean when they get sick,
but they don't mean it.

But you really held your ground up there,
Dr Fleischman,

and, despite everything, I think
everyone learned a lot of good stuff.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

I never knew there was a power struggle
in the Kremlin after Andropov died.

Good night, Ed.

Any urgent messages you feel compelled
to deliver, slip 'em under the door, OK?

- OK. Get some sleep.
- Not if I can help it.

Is there a sexy woman
in the vicinity of these lips,

who is in the market for a warm body
and a superior lover?

Oh, no.

Let me get this straight, Dr Serrano.

You refuse to give me
any backup or technical support

until some flunky lab tech down
in Anchorage confirms my diagnosis?

I don't care if he's your nephew!

This town is on the verge of a crisis.
Things are getting out of control.

I am dealing with a hysterical,
potentially violent set of patients

who have accused me of being
the KGB point man for central Alaska.

It's not funny.
Neither is staying up all night

watching my fianc?e sweat through
three sets of sheets with no help from me.

Elaine, get back in bed.

- I need more tea.
- I'll bring it in to you.

I'm perfectly capable
of boiling a pot of water.

Oh, don't start crying.
Please, Elaine, please.

You know how demoralised I get
when you cry. Stop.

Look, let me call you back.

You do that. Thank you.

- Honey, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

- For what?
- For ruining all your plans.

Hey, hey!

So we don't see Holling's
favourite panorama. Big deal.

We'll buy some postcards.

Look, the important thing
is that we're together.

At least for the next 30 seconds.

- I gotta go in to the office.
- I know you do.

Maybe I can get someone
to bring you a big bowl of chicken soup.

- How's that sound?
- Nnn...

What? What's wrong?

- I feel like I let you down.
- Hey, hey...

This is a highly contagious infection.
Practically the whole town's got it.

Not Maggie.

- All right, there's one glaring exception.
- Two glaring exceptions.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing. It means nothing.

- No, come on. What did she say to you?
- I was just making an observation.

Look you, Elaine Schulman, daughter
of Charles and Maxine Schulman,

you're the person I will love and honour
in sickness and, preferably, in health,

in Manhattan, preferably on the Upper
West Side, for the rest of my life.

Not Maggie O'Connell, so there
is no reason to be jealous of her.

I'm not jealous of her.

OK, there was a crazy night with a bottle
of Beaujolais, but nothing happened.

- I know.
- You do?

The night you were so bombed
and so guilty about that sleazy land deal

that you didn't realise she was hitting
on you until she was halfway out the door.

We were roasting marshmallows.
It just slipped out.

What an odd and convenient coincidence!

We were comparing our most
embarrassing moments

and it just made for a good laugh.

You are so slick, O'Connell.

I am in awe of how quickly you were able
to read and exploit the situation.

Is this sleep deprivation,
or have you finally gone over the edge?

- The way you buddied up to her...
- Oh, that is not true.

- How you monopolised her time...
- You were working. She was bored.

Then, the pi?ce de r?sistance,
how you skilfully planted the notion

that maybe there was some
symbiotic thing between you and me.

- In your dreams.
- You deny sabotaging our relationship?

Quit blaming your interpersonal problems
on me, OK?

What interpersonal problems? Huh?

We didn't have any till you showed up!

.. lines for the "Chris in the Morning
Show". Who's this?

- This is Jewels up on the Kayak River.
- Hey, Jewels. How you doin'?

Lousy, with a capital Z.

Yeah, it's goin' around.
What can I do for you, Jewels?

I disagree with the last caller.

Even if Dr Fleischman is incompetent,
that's no reason to ship him to Siberia.

Where is everyone?

This is such a relief. I expected
a room full of feverish freedom fighters.

Seriously, where is everyone?

What, no one called for an appointment?

- They know you can do nothing for them.
- OK, you don't have to belabour the point.

Let's get Dr Serrano on the phone.

He just called.

"Sorry, hands are tied by red tape.
Gone fishing. " Is this a joke?

Marilyn, do I smell something?

You whipped up a batch of hi-yo-hi-yo,
didn't you?

Marilyn!

Did I not tell you
that we could not legally or morally

prescribe a treatment
with no known value?

You didn't prescribe it, I did.

How many people did you give it to?

Five?

Ten?

Everyone?!

All right, look. Maybe if I knew
what was in this tribal remedy of yours

I could verify its chemical content.
So just tell me what's in it.

It smells like animal by-products.

- You don't know, or you won't tell me?
- I know, but you don't wanna know.

One piping-hot chicken soup comin' up.

Oh, it doesn't look so appetising.

It's the brand they use in Holling's bar.
It's a little oily, huh?

- Maybe I'll have some later.
- OK.

Still feelin' logy, huh, babe?

It's like my Uncle Lou used to say:

if I felt a little worse, I'd be dead,
if I felt a little better, it wouldn't be me.

This has got to be the most depressing
romantic weekend on record.

The most depressing part is tomorrow I'm
supposed to be on a plane heading home.

OK. OK, that's it. Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

- Take off your nightgown.
- Oh, honey, I'm not in the mood.

Come on. I'm gonna smear some stuff
on you. Just a second.

- OK, come on.
- Ugh! It smells vile!

- That's part of its charm.
- What is it?

That's part of its charm too. Nobody
knows. It's called hi-yo something. It's a...

It's a homeopathic remedy.

One of those mystery compounds
the Indians use for all sorts of infections.

Oh, yeah. Maggie told me
all about this stuff.

Sit up. She did?

She was wondering why you haven't
used organic remedies sooner.

You know, if only to lessen the symptoms

and get some of your more wacko
patients off your back.

So now Maggie's got you questioning
my medical judgment?

Don't you see what she's doing? Don't
you see how she's trying to tear us apart?

She's like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction -
on the surface she's charming and pretty,

but underneath
she's obsessed and demented.

Do you realise
that since I have been in Alaska

we have not had one conversation that
didn't end in an argument over Maggie?

I rest my case. See how sneaky she is?

- Sorry I brought it up.
- Me too. But I've got an idea.

In an effort to salvage what little time we
have left, let me smear this goo on you,

and then I will build us a cosy little fire
and we'll snuggle up with a blanket

and talk about New York and all
the great times we've had over the years,

and we'll try not to mention the dreaded
M word for the whole weekend, OK?

- You've changed, Joey.
- No, I haven't.

I haven't, I swear. I'm still me
and you're still you and we're still us.

The only thing different is this place.

If we were in Manhattan,
we would not be arguing over piffle,

or questioning our relationship,

or eating chicken soup
out of a can, would we?

- Probably not.
- No, definitely not.

We'd be too busy living the life that we've
both dreamt about since we were kids.

The kind of life... Hold that there for me.

The kind of life that'll be
so satisfying, so stimulating,

that Alaska will become nothing more
than a dim memory

that will never encroach
upon our daily lives again.

OK?

Chris Stevens!
What are you doin' in the Big Apple?!

- I'm fillin' in for Larry King all week.
- Good gig. I'll have to give you a call.

- OK. How's the wife?
- Keepin' me honest.

Well, tell her I said hi
and give a kiss to your sister.

Will do. Except, what are you talkin'
about, Chris? I don't have a sister.

What is this, Old Home Week?
What are you doin' here?

We're having a walkathon
across the Iditarod Trail

to raise money for Russian ?migr?s.

Where do I sign up?

My wife and I support as many charities
as we can - it's a good way to network.

Remember me to her.
And regards to your sister.

I don't have a sister.

- Good afternoon, Dr Fleischman.
- Holling.

- Hi, boys.
- Toodle-oo, Miss Shelly.

- Shelly? That's Shelly?
- Yes indeed.

I see the Co-op Association accepted
a new tenant while I was out of town.

- She's a call girl, sir.
- Really?

- But she practises safe sex.
- That's the important thing.

I don't wanna turn this dream
into a public-service announcement,

but a good un cazz'with a condom
is still a good un cazz'.

So Woody gets in on the 12th floor.

Doesn't even wait
for me to shut the doors.

He says "Ed, I'm burnt-out, Ed. "

"My movies are dyin' at the box office, Ed.
I need a collaborator. "

"I'm just not funny any more. "

Poor schmo.
Where'd you leave it with him?

Well, I said I'd read his biography
on Kierkegaard and get back to him.

If I ever wake up, we'll do lunch.

Ciao, babe.

Hello, Marilyn.

Thank you.

Hi, kids.

Come here, ya little Eskimos.

Hi. What are we eating tonight?

A can of chicken soup
and a chocolate moose.

Mm. No one makes hi-yo-hi-yo-ip-se-ni-yo
sauce like you, Elaine.

Aren't you a sweet brother.

A brother?

Maggie?

Is that you?

Hey, big boy. I missed you.

You wanna go out on the roof,
or you wanna do it in the atrium,

or you wanna do it in the igloo?

- Wait a minute...
- You're so tight.

Do your patients appreciate the hours
you put in bilking insurance companies?

Maggie...

So bloody cute!

- Oh, no, not you too!
- Yeah. I better not get too close.

How are you feeling?

Nothing life-threatening.
You just don't wanna get re-exposed.

No. But that moose rub you got
really worked great.

More likely your fever just ran its course,
but maybe it has recuperative powers.

- About last...
- About... I'm sorry.

- You first.
- I just...

It's OK.

- That never happened before.
- You were tired. You needed to sleep.

I did. I did. I was so stressed.

I know.

Just because I got better, there's no law
that says you have to perform on demand.

But I wanted to.

I wanted you in the worst way.

I had the weirdest dream...

It's OK. Sometimes it's hard
to change gears on such short notice.

Yeah. It was kind of sudden. One second
you're sweating like a wart hog,

the next you're peeling off
your camisole...

- Your breakfast is getting cold.
- With this throat, I'm really not hungry.

- What time does my plane leave?
- I don't know.

Red Murphy's better, so we're supposed
to meet him at Holling's bar to set it up.

- Who?
- Red Murphy, the pilot I originally hired.

- I'll get my suitcase.
- No, I'll get it.

Have no fear, you're still listening
to Chris in the Morning with Ed,

the unsung hero of KBHR.
Take it away, Ed.

Yes, some big shoes needed to be filled,
and I always did have an extra-wide foot.

Here's one for you, Elaine.

You are a very outgoing person,

so don't be offended if these rednecks
give you the cold shoulder

for being caught dead
with the pinko doctor.

Let me tell ya somethin', little lady.

I had the pick of the litter
of all the best medical schools in America,

and I grabbed your boychik here.

- Flattery will get you nowhere, Maurice.
- And seein' as how he kept his head

when all those about him were losing
theirs to the temporary delusion of the flu,

it just goes to show that I was
a great judge of quality manpower.

Thanks for the good work.

Elaine, it was a pleasure.
Please feel free to visit us at any time.

But now, if you'll excuse me,
I believe Holling

has prepared a fresh plate of crow
for me to eat.

And I've got your table right here, Maurice.

I owe you an apology, Doc. To send out
that Indian gal took an act of courage.

It was an act of desperation,
and she did it behind my back.

- It was a miracle cure.
- Well, I wouldn't go that far.

But I'm glad
people seem to be feeling better.

- You oughta be awful proud of him.
- I am.

Your friends are wonderful.

Friends? 24 hours ago
they wanted to deport me to Vladivostok.

- Maggie was right.
- I thought we had an agreement.

We did. I'm sorry I brought it up.

OK.

- Right about what?
- I don't wanna talk about it.

We're not gonna talk about it.
I just wanna know, right about what?

She said you were a great guy.

She thinks you're funny
and smart and compassionate.

And?

No "and". "But".

Oh.

She doesn't understand
why you don't cut anybody any slack.

Why you can't roll with the punches. Why
you think everyone has an ulterior motive.

Why you can't be spontaneous.

And why you can't see
the beauty that's all around you.

And, frankly, I didn't know what to tell her.

You kids ready for your nature trip?

I don't think so, Holling.

- Poor Shelly.
- Finally got hit by the flu, huh?

Morning sickness.
But I'm ready when you are.

We'd love to.
But I don't think we have time.

Sure you do.

Really?

You have plenty of time.

This is a very picturesque place, Holling.

Make a lovely holiday card.
"Greetings from the Netherworld. "

I'm stymied, Joel.
Normally this place is as clear as a bell.

What's that noise?

What noise?

- That noise.
- You mean...

Yeah. It sounds like...

Would you like
some coffee or doughnuts?

- Do you happen to have some cherry pie?
- No, but I got some banana cream.

- Hey, Joey, what's that lady holding?
- What lady? Where?

That looks like a log to me.

- How weird.
- No more than a pet rock.

Y'all stand there
and I'll get the Sure Shot.

This is ridiculous. It won't come out.

Probably not. But oftentimes, Joel,
it's what you don't see

that opens up your mind
to the imagination.

Take your creation myths, for example.

Who woulda thunk all that up if somebody
had been there to see it for themselves?

That is what makes it
all so excruciatingly interesting.

Susan Sontag says that images are
inherently fascistic for that same reason.

- What reason is that, Elaine?
- Just take the damn picture, Holling.

- Smile, Joey.
- Cheese!

We could meet halfway.

We could meet in Denver for the holidays.
Thanksgiving, Easter, Rosh Hashanah...

I miss you already.

Yeah. Me too.

It was just this weekend, that's all it was.
It just wasn't meant to be, you know?

Mm-hm.

I know.

Oh, say goodbye to Maggie for me.

I will.

Like your sister a lot.

She's not my sister, she's my fianc?e.

Hi.

Hi.

- Smells nice in here.
- Lemon.

- No patients?
- Everybody's feeling better.

Great. Great.

Um...

Marilyn, stop scrubbing for a second
so we can have a little conversation.

Part of me wants to pick up the phone and
tell the New England Journal of Medicine

that I have stumbled onto a revolutionary
treatment for acute influenza.

The other side of me realises
that if I try to publish a scholarly article

documenting the recuperative properties
of hi-yo-hi-yo-ip-se-ni-yo,

I'll lose whatever tenuous standing
I have in the medical community.

So, rather than risk ridicule,
you know what might work?

No.

If I could analyse the chemical
composition of that moose stuff,

we could sell the formula to a major drug
company - and I mean for major money.

We'd be equal partners. You could apply
your half to various tribal projects,

I could take my half
and retire for the rest of my life.

Sound plausible?

Great. OK, I guess
we should start with square one.

You tell me in specific terms
what you put in that remedy.

So we can understand
what makes it smell so grotesque.

Marilyn?

Marilyn?

- What?
- It's Maggie.

Enter.

- Boy, you look bad.
- Yeah. Well, I feel terrible.

You really look awful,
like death warmed over.

All right, all right!
I'm sick, what do you expect?

- Bad timing, huh?
- What do you mean?

Everybody getting sick, Elaine
coming in... She's great, by the way.

Yeah, I know that.

Anyway, thanks for being so nice to her.

Yeah. You know,
she'd make a great sister.

- What does that mean?
- Nothing.

I have two brothers. It would've been great
to have a sister like her, that's all.

Oh.

- So, you gonna be OK?
- Yeah.

I made myself some chicken soup,
hot tea...

I could use some of Marilyn's
hi-yo-hi-yo-ip-se-ni-yo,

but apparently she ran out.

What?

- That's...?
- Hi-yo-hi-yo-ip-se-ni-yo.

Where'd you get that?

I got some for me, in case
I came down with the flu, which I haven't.

Yeah. I noticed that.

Would you like me
to rub this all over you?

Yeah, that would be...

You would?

In your dreams, Fleischman.