Norm Macdonald Live (2013–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Larry King - full transcript

Norm Macdonald and Adam Eget welcome the legendary Larry King to the show.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

(upbeat music)

- Welcome to Norm Macdonald Live.

Larry King with us for the full hour.

Larry King used to always say that.

- Yeah.

- For the full hour.

But he won't be with us for the full hour.

- Can't wait.

- Other than these opening remarks that I make with you.

- Yeah.

- My trusty sidekick, Adam Egan.

- Absolutely.

- You know who you are.

- Of course.

- So, how was your week?

- It was great.

How was yours?

- I was not good.

- Why?

- Because last week, last week's podcast,

something came up that has disturbed me greatly.

That has haunted my sleep and dreams like Morpheus.

- Something that Billy Bob said?

- Oh no, Billy Bob Thornton, I thought was fascinating.

- Oh, he was amazing.

- It was the opening remarks from last week.

Just as we're doing the opening remarks this week

and every week, last week's opening remarks

took an odd turn.

- My trip to Coachella?

- No, not that.

That's how it started.

We started talking about your trip to Coachella.

- I don't know why it's hard.

- But then, you don't remember what we talked about

that guy later?

- No.

- Well, try to remember.

Think back, think back to when you were,

the opening remarks last week.

- Last week, opening remarks last week.

(mysterious music)

- It'd be good to meet Larry King.

Who'd know it?

(mysterious music)

- No, no, that was five minutes ago.

- It was?

- Yeah, goddamn, man.

Sometimes I think you got the attention span

of a fucking hummingbird.

Try to think back.

Opening remarks last week.

Opening remarks last week.

Last week.

(mysterious music)

- No, you agreed to disagree about taking

the Lord's name in vain.

- Yeah, that too.

- God, you have the memory of a fucking hummingbird.

(mysterious music)

Fuck, you're a fucking stupid retard.

Okay, listen, I'll remember for you, okay?

- Yeah.

- Opening remarks.

Opening remarks.

(mysterious music)

- 420 was the birthday of Austrian-born German politician

and the leader of the National Socialist

German Workers' Party, a fellow went by the name

of Adolf Hitler.

(mysterious music)

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember now.

You didn't know who Hitler was.

- Yeah, like many of us, I didn't.

But I do now, and let me tell you something.

That guy's no good.

Now, I grew up like you, thinking the Nazis

were a bunch of funny fellows,

'cause I watched "Hogan's Heroes" every week.

But it wasn't like that.

Oh, I know nothing, I see nothing.

A lot less funny when you figure that was the cornerstone

of the Nuremberg trials defense.

Now, I think it's too late for Hitler.

What are you gonna do, build a time machine

and go kill Hitler?

- No.

- Huh? - No.

- I would if I could.

- Sure.

- Why wouldn't you do that?

- Of course, I would, I would.

- No, I would build a time machine

and then use it to get ladies.

- You could do both. - You could do both.

- Yeah, sure.

- But the thing is this, I figure the reason

that Hitler became popular was because people thought

he was a clown, just a, oh, a guy,

he's not gonna do anything, then he almost took over

the world, you know?

Giving me nightmares.

And I'm thinking there's guys nowadays,

there's problems nowadays.

You know I don't watch the news.

- Yeah, I know.

- 'Cause the road is on at the same time.

- Right.

- But I've started to study, study up on,

through the computer, on the YouTube.

- Study what, like what?

- Terrible people.

- Right.

- That should be killed.

- Like Hitler.

- Maybe not killed, but like Hitler.

Yeah, and I found out, have you ever heard

of the Falkland Islands?

- Rings a bell, but I don't know much about it.

- You're in it, I mean, can I just, it's all right.

I didn't know about it either.

The thing about it is this, the Falkland Islands,

a little archipelago near the South American coast.

And the Argentinians, see, they were really

the people that should have been in the Falklands.

The British imperialists, they attacked the Falklands,

you see, because there was still technically a colony.

And under the autocratic hand of the Iron Maiden,

is that her name?

Margaret Thatcher?

They stripped the Falkland Island people of all their,

in a terrible bloody war back in the 80s.

- All of this didn't happen recently then.

A lot of people died then?

- I think it was on the news, when I saw it was none.

- Oh, what are you getting at?

What are you gonna do?

- I'm getting at, you gotta start somewhere.

- Right, okay.

- And I believe that the people of Falkland Islands

should have self, what do you call it?

Control, that's not what you'd call it,

but self like, you know, they should be able

to control themselves, good God.

But you know who should really be able

to control themselves?

The fucking British imperialists.

Who can't stop with their goddamn manifest destiny.

Jesus Christ, this Margaret Thatcher,

she has a voracious appetite for land.

- What do you intend to do about it?

- I tell you what I intend to do, I am one man,

but I have decided that I'm gonna put my money

where my mouth is.

I mean, not my actual money,

because my money manager says that it's not a good time.

He says that I should not diversify,

I should stick with mutual funds.

The point of the thing I'm trying to say is this,

I'm gonna make a stand right here

on the Video Podcast Network.

- What did you do?

- I started a hunger strike, that's right.

- I picked you up this morning, remember that?

- Yes.

- At the Denny's you had two eggs over my hammy

and half my pancakes.

Then on the way over here we stopped at 7-Eleven,

you remember that?

You had a few hot dogs and a big bag of pork rinds.

And five minutes ago you had four donuts and a chip wish.

- Yeah, well you snooze,

I eat half your fucking pancakes, fucker.

But listen, that was to bulk up,

to carb up for my big hunger strike.

So this is my promise.

To the people of the Video Podcast Network world,

I will not eat a single morsel of food

until Margaret Thatcher is dead and buried.

- She died three weeks ago.

We'll be right back with Larry King.

He is the legendary television and radio broadcaster

with two pea bodies and 10 Cable Ace Awards.

He was the host of Larry King Live for 25 years.

Now he hosts Larry King Now on Hulu and Aura TV.

With us, the Iron Horse of broadcasting.

- It's iron, you don't pronounce it iron.

- That's what everybody tells me.

- The Iron Horse, like Lou Gehrig

was the Iron Horse of baseball.

The word I-R-O-N is iron.

No, no, iron.

- Iron.

- Right, it should be iron.

That's what makes English the world's toughest language.

- Yeah.

- You know, right, sure.

- It is the toughest language.

- The toughest language to learn.

- To me it's the easiest.

- Yeah, well you were born with it.

Except you screwed up with the first one you said.

- That's true.

- It's not iron, it's iron.

- Do you think Lou Gehrig actually

was the luckiest man in the world?

He seemed--

- No, I think he's gonna die in eight months.

I didn't understand, I wouldn't have said that.

- Yeah, well what would you have said?

- Son of a bitch.


- So the first question is this.

What's your favorite Twilight Zone episode?

- Oh, great question.

- The one I remember that focuses back on me

is when the plane is flying from London

and time went back and when they're gonna land,

it's dinosaurs.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

And it was the world's fair, right?

- They went down the pilot's seat, it's dinosaurs.

- Yeah, you believe in dinosaurs?

- No, well there must have been, but--

- I knew Rod Serling, interviewed him,

and he was a fascinating guy.

He smoked five packs, I used to smoke,

he smoked five packs a day.

But he had a very creative mind,

and we talked a lot about the difference

between old time radio and television.

Radio was fascinating.

I grew up with the suspense and the sanctum and the shadow.

It was incredible.

- The shadow knows.

- Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

The shadow knows.

The best was suspense, was how suspense,

I used to listen to this,

that's how I got into broadcasting.

I'd be six, seven years old, I'd listen to this

and then imitate them.

And now a tale well calculated to keep you in suspense.

Arch Obelie used to dole call lights out,

crawl under your couch, lower your blinds,

lock your doors, and turn your lights out.

- Oh my God.

- Anyway, Rod Serling said,

"When they used to write for radio,

"you could scare people just because of the imagination."

It was the theater of the mind.

So when he wrote for radio,

he'd write like there's a dark foreboding castle

at the top of the hill.

That could be anything you wanna make it.

You know, if you heard the right voice,

say dark foreboding, the right music.

- If I heard that, I would think of Adam Egott's

one bedroom apartment in West Hollywood.

- But if it's television, the guys come in and say,

"What kind of castle do you want?"

You wanna tell them, you know, sorry.

It takes away the imagination.

That's what I loved about radio.

So that's my Rod Serling.

- Now Rod Serling, he began in early television

as a, they had those big writers

that would write those awful things.

And then he turned, he became a science fiction guy.

- Oh, he was great.

And his brother, Bob Serling,

was the aviation editor of the Associated Press.

And he did a book on, he went with airlines

when they go to test a plane.

You know, like if Delta orders a Boeing 757,

they have pilots that just go to test that.

They pick it up, they pay in 28 million, you're tested.

And what these guys do is they fly around the country

and look for problems from weather.

They look for hurricanes.

They look for tornadoes.

- The active research channel?

- Yeah, the active research, high winds.

And he went with them once, he puked this guy,

he wrote a whole great article.

What it's like, these guys are,

"Oh, there's a bad one, let's go there."

Checking out these planes.

- I feel like puking, just starting this podcast.

- I'm so full of information on that, Jesus.

- Why would that cost $28 million?

- The plane.

- Oh, the plane did.

I thought you said they gave the fella $28 million.

- No, no, I know you're new to this.

I'm gonna teach you something.

One of the first things in hosting an interview show

is to listen to the answer given by the guy.

The guest, it'll help you.

- This is my most valuable instrument.

- Your ear, of course.

My motto, my whole motto, my whole broadcasting career,

that's why I don't like a lot of guys on the air now,

is that I never learned anything when I was talking.

- Can I interrupt you there?

- Yeah, I'm not telling you how to do a show.

- No, because I do like that you do that.

- I never use the word I.

- I don't like the British fella.

- He's not my style.

It's all about him.

- He's nobody's style.

- And it is what it is.

- Unless you wanna hear about guns every night.

- Yeah, I know.

- I'm sure some folks at home are gonna-

- Well, they must be getting good numbers

and they keep it up, I guess.

- Oh my God, CNN.

- I'm happy with the Orr thing and the Hulu.

My partner, I just was with him all day.

- Well, are you happy that CNN has fallen?

- No, I don't want, no.

I'm not that way, I don't hold revenge.

I had 25 and a half years there.

- And then right after CNN went in the toilet.

- Well, breaks it again.

But my-

- I was with Carlos Slim all day today,

the richest man in the world.

He's partner in, he founded-

- The richest man in the world is Carlos Slim?

- Correct, from Mexico.

You never heard of him?

- Of course not, I'm not a connected guy.

- Well, that's why I just heard you.

You don't watch the news.

Well, I wanna tell you something.

First, we won the World War II.

Was in all the papers.

And Korea was a stalemate, Vietnam we lost.

Iraq, did we lose or win Iraq?

- Iraq?

- Iraq, or you were pronouncing it, Iraq, Iraq.

- Now, did they do the surge?

- The surge worked.

- Yeah, yeah.

Did you ever have, interviewing a guy?

'Cause you've interviewed all these guys.

Like, who's the smartest guy you ever interviewed?

That guy with the funny way of talking

that has the wheelchair?

- The guy, oh, he was genius.

- Stephen Hawking?

- Stephen Hawking.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, 'cause he, when you're that smart,

you know, it's in another world.

In fact, I asked him, "What's the one thing, Stephen,

you have no knowledge, what are you deficient in?

What don't you know anything about?"

He said, "Women."


True, even there.

He locked up for life, it's still women.

- Yeah.

- But he would, he would be,

well, I've had the good fortune of--

- So, Carlos Slim.

- Is a terrific guy.

- And this guy is working with you on Aura TV.

- He financed it.

- He financed it.

The richest man in the world.

- $76 billion.

- Oh my God.

- Now, how do you come to know

the richest man in the world?

- I was invited to speak, he has a function every year.

In Mexico City, he gives away scholarships.

And he has, the principal speakers come every year,

three speakers, and I went down with

Kofi Annan, the former Secretary General of the UN,

and James Cameron, the guy who produces, you know.

- Titanic, I'm sure.

- And I went down to be one of the speakers,

and we met, and then I invited him on my show,

and he came up to the house for dinner,

then I helped open up his fantastic art museum

in Mexico City, and he said, "You can't retire,

"what are we gonna do, let's do something."

- That's fantastic.

- And my wife had the idea,

why don't we do an internet network show?

So we started it, and we were adding shows all to it.

- I might add you.

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- You have about 100 episodes in already, right?

- 130.

- Oh, that's amazing.

- I think it might be 130.

- We should get together with this Carlos Slim.

- Seems like a good guy.

- I just had a meeting with some lady

who said she had a lot of money, Fat Nancy.

- Oh, Fat Nancy.

And what, she wanted to finance something with you?

What does she want to do with you?

- You know, Ash.

- Oh, she has ulterior motives.

- Now I'll tell you this, you're big on Twitter,

which I love, I love Twitter, do you like Twitter?

- I like it, I have 2,450,000 followers, I love it.

- Yeah, oh yeah.

- I eat it to them.

- More than Jesus.

- I enjoy it because I like, it's a way to vent out,

but I don't do things like, my wife does stupid things

like, you know, I'm going to the hairdresser now, who cares?

But I'll make, I predict football games,

I talk about baseball, I comment,

like today we had a gay athlete.

- Yes.

- I admit he was gay, first team athlete

in the history of American sport.

- Jason Collins, yeah.

- What do you make of that, Jason Collins?

- I tweeted, I salute that, I think that's tremendous,

I think it's about time, sure there's gay athletes

in all these sports and maybe that'll pave the way

to come out, I don't think it's going to be

a big deal problem, you gotta be good.

He's a good player.

I don't think you could be just, you know,

if you're really good, like,

if Derek Jeter said he was gay, what do Yankees gonna do?

Would they gonna get mad at him?

Yankee fans are gonna boo?

- Yeah, I don't think so.

- But it was, you see 42?

- Oh, I never miss a--

- What a movie, Jackie Robinson.

- Jake Boseman movie.

- No, Harrison Ford.

- Oh, he was amazing.

- He's amazing, it's a great movie.

- But there was a guy who he came out as a black guy.

- Yeah, well he was black, he couldn't do anything about it.

- Well that's true, but what about Babe Ruth?

- Babe Ruth might have been, you know,

there was a story he might have been black.

- Yeah, he might have been.

- That's the dumbest question ever asked in sports.

- Who was that?

- The Super Bowl quarterback, I forgot his name,

the black quarterback for the Redskins.

- Oh, RG3, Robert Griffin?

- No, no, no, this guy won the Super Bowl in 1970 something

and the reporter asked him,

have you always been a black quarterback?


- That would definitely be a dumb question.

- Now don't you think this guy Collins,

that's coming out gay, and they're saying he's brave

and stuff, but to me, he's smart.

- Why not?

- It seems like a, not cynical, but maybe a calculated move

because he's gonna be world famous forever, the first guy.

- Well he's on Good Morning America tomorrow.

- Yeah.

- And he's calculated, but the problem you face is,

you don't know what the other guy, you know,

are they gonna take showers with the other,

that's the fear, but look, the Army's gotta be good,

they wouldn't do it one day.

I don't think, can he score a basket, can he play the game?

- No.

- Well then he's in trouble.

- He's definitely good.

- And if on the first day he would attack a fellow athlete,

that might not look good.

- And it's interesting that he came out

the day after the fifth game when they could have,

they could have been swept, the Celtics.

- No, but he's not on the Celtics.

- Oh he's not?

- He's on the Wizards.

- He's on New Orleans.

- Oh is he?

- On New Orleans.

- Oh is he, okay.

- He was on the Celtics, he was on the Wizards.

He's a 10 year veteran.

- He's 6'10, and his twin brother identical.

- It's Jared, yeah.

- Is not gay.

- Gay?


- Well you know because we're trying to figure out

the gay chromosome.

- You are?

You and Sean?

- Do you know why people are gay?

You know why you're heterosexual?

You don't know why.

- No I don't know.

But I think this is the thing Larry.

If they define a chromosome as saying that you're gay

or a gene, that would be abnormal,

how would the gay community?

- They wouldn't be called abnormal,

it would be called different.

- Wouldn't be called abnormal.

Maybe the abnormal gene would be hetero.

- That's true.

Hey maybe the normal gene would be those ladies that--

- Maybe it would be normal to be gay.

- That cut their cocks into vaginas.

- Normal, if you're looking to make it

in standard television.

You're not going the right route.

- Oh no, no, no.

- You're not going the right route.

- Once I get on Hulu.

- You're not sending this tape to CBS.

- Now once I get on Hulu, the whole act, yeah, yeah.

- Hulu's amazing, that's some company.

- Yeah, no, I watch it all the time.

Because it's got old shows.

- Old shows, new shows, and I'm an original show.

- And then an original show.

So everything's changed.

- They're very nice, they're great people.

You ever go up to the Hulu studios?

Go out there in Santa Monica.

- Interesting.

- It's wild, nobody's over 20.

- You know what I compare it to?

I mean I don't generally, but I just thought this in my head.

Is the senior golf tour.

Here these golfers were, they always thought

they'd have to get out of golf at 50.

Then they started the champions tour.

- That was a genius.

- Yeah.

- Whoever thought up the senior golf tour was brilliant.

And here you are, you're gonna broadcast.

- I feel like I did the first national network radio show.

First, I did the first international cable television

calling show, and now I'm one of the pioneers

in internet talk.

- Yeah, you're a pioneer.

- I'm a pioneer, and I'm not a young man,

so it feels good.

- You know one of my followers on my Twitter,

Pikesville Al, you know Pikesville Al.

- No.

- He's the guy that doesn't like you.

- Oh yeah, he told me about that guy.

- Does he live in Pikesville, Maryland?

- Yes, yeah.

This is the thing about Larry King, you know,

is every day.

- I know.

- Absolutely.

- Everything you don't need to know.

- That's a bright answer.

- So what about Pikesville Al?

- Oh anyway, Pikesville Al, he said that Larry King

invented the call-in sport show.

- International format, yeah.

Jerry Seinfeld said I invented Twitter

with my old column in USA Today

when I would just do incidental items on everything.

I would just do, you know, like stream of consciousness.

Nobody asks me, but it's my two cents.

- Kings, boos, and deers.

- You know, just say like, I like peanut butter and jelly.

I hate macaroons, you know, stuff like that.

People didn't matter.

- What do they pay for something like that?

- I forgot what USA Today paid me.

They paid me though.

- They paid you well.

- I was part of USA Today,

the second week they started I was on,

I was there 20 years.

- So you were at the beginning of USA Today

and the beginning of CNN.

- Well, five years in, I was on the fifth anniversary

of CNN, I went on.

25 and a half years.

- 'Cause the first time I remember you,

I was a kid and I heard you late at night

on mutual broadcast.

And it was a tremendous show to do.

I had such fun.

Then I got CNN and I was doing both.

So I'd be on CNN from nine to 10

and then I'd rush over and be on the radio

from 12 to five.

- Good God.

- But didn't it feel like--

- And then I had the heart attack

and then I reduced the show to three hours,

the radio show, and then I was making enough money.

I didn't need both and I chucked the radio.

But I loved that radio show.

Oh God, we did--

- In the middle of the night, gave it that time.

- Open Phone America after the,

the guests would be on from 12 to three.

I'd do an hour and a half interview,

then an hour and a half of phone calls.

And then from three to five was Open Phone America.

- Yeah, it was like--

- People could call.

- Play Misty for me.

- About anything.

Yeah, it was like that.

I'd play music, I'd talk.

One guy would talk about the Red Sox

and the other guy would talk about the president.

And crazy things happened on that show.

One night, three in the morning, Bill Clinton,

Governor of Arkansas, called in.

Like 20 after three.

- Wow.

- To talk about an issue.

- I got a good story about him.

- And then I said to him,

"What are you doing up at 20 after three?"

And he said, "Don't ask."


I should have known that.

- We--

- I have read the story about him.

- What is the story?

- Bill Clinton, the Governor of Arkansas?

- I love Bill.

- He became the president.

- I heard about him.

Oh, you read that paper.

- Yeah, I read a lot of that.

We have to go to commercial?

- Yeah, we have to pay the bills for--

- Who's the sponsor?


- A sponsor?

- Pikesville, Nick, though.

- Pikesville Al does not like him.

- Many people don't.

- Why doesn't a cock work?

- Why doesn't that cock work?

- That cock work?

- No, it's--

- My cock works just fine.

- Oh, this clock works.

- Mine is going somewhere, Norm.

- No, I thought that's what you said.

I was trying to--

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Iron, iron, iron horse.

- What did he say, iron?

- You got it right.

- Iron, iron.

That clock is set at 10 past 10.

- Why?

- Because this guy drinks like a fish

and we wanna remember, you know,

remind him how to drive.

You're supposed to put your hands at 10 and two.

Did you know that?

- No.

- That's all very true.

- You never heard that?

- No.

- You never heard tell of that?

- Tell of that?

- You never heard tell of that?

- You know, nobody says that anymore.

- You never heard tell of that?

- That's like--

- When you drive, you're supposed to put your hands

on 10 and two.

- Oh yeah, 10 and two.

- 10 and two.

No, everybody goes like this.

- No, I had one hand on that.

- You don't smoke.

- No, I used to smoke.

I got a heart attack.

- You ever miss it though, like crazy?

- You know something, I smoked three packs a day

for 30 years and I had a heart attack

when I was 53 years old.

I stopped smoking that day and never wanted one again

and I don't understand how I didn't want one.

- That's so wrong.

- Never wanted one, never reached for one

and I was a smoker man.

I smoked, jeez, I got scared.

I had a psychiatrist friend said that what happened to me

was I got scared straight.

In other words, I was so scared lying in that hospital

having the doctor say you're having a heart attack,

asking if I'm gonna live and saying didn't know

that it went out of me.

So if I had a desire for it, it was gone

and then it was three days in the unit

where you couldn't smoke.

Then you could smoke in hospitals

but in that unit you couldn't.

So the body need for it was gone.

So then it was the habit and I never reached for it.

I never chewed gum, I didn't hold a pencil.

- But I see it in the analysis,

you're still snapping down them pastrami's like--

- No, I don't go there anymore.

I have my Brooklyn water bagel.

Oh, on Beverly.

Oh my God, it's the best bagels in America.

They make the water, it's a franchise,

they got 20 of them now in America.

- They make water.

- You make the water, make the bagels

and the secret is the water.

It's the best--

- I thought only God made water.

- Only God made--

- How do you make water?

- They make water.

That's like the old, who was that great, Steven Wright?

- Oh great, Steven Wright, yes.

- He used to have that great game.

There's a new product out called powdered water.

What do you mix it with?


- I put the chop in there.

- Larry's doing stand up.

- I did chop it all over the country.

I did tell funny stories.

- I can't wait to hear all about it.

So when we get back from break,

I wanna hear all about your venture into stand up.

That's what I'm most excited about.

All right, so when we come back.

- Yeah, you're hilarious.

- One of the great figures of the 20th century

has to be James Brolin.

The more I think about it, the more I love chicken.

A great, great meat.

If Timothy McVeigh is guilty

of this terrible Oklahoma City bombing,

then they should put that guy in jail

for a long, long time.


- You did a great me.

- It was all that.

- I loved your--

- How'd you come up with that?

- When you parodied me, I think you were the best.

- Oh, that's so nice.

- You know why?

It wasn't so much you had the voice,

but you had the concept.

The key in parody is not to get the voice right,

it's to get the concept right.

He was doing my old column in USA Today

when I would do these random thoughts

and he had it down perfectly

and he had the look of course, the glasses.

- I like your body language.

- Leaning for, you had all that.

- Now is that conscious?

Is that a power?

- I don't know.

Oh no, I--

- Nothing you do is conscious.

- No, nothing.

I never approached the camera or broadcasting

just natural to me, just came natural to me.

I never thought about a question I was gonna ask.

I never pre-planned for, I just went to the moment.

- I always loved that.

I read that the way you approach an interview

is you approach it as if you're a viewer watching.

- He wouldn't have read that.

- I don't--

- No, no, right, but--

- I don't, the question is, I don't know.

My friend Herbie Cohen who wrote

You Can Negotiate Anything says,

"The secret to my success is really,

"is being kind of stupid, not stupid,

"but look, I'm not a know-it-all.

"I knew that I didn't know.

"And once I knew that I didn't know, the guest counted.

"'Cause the guest knew more than me.

"The comedian knew more about comedy.

"Lawyer knew more about law.

"Politician knew more about politics.

"Doctor knew more about medicine.

"So I've had a great chance to be paid and learn.

"My God, why would I go on and do things about me

"when I had these chance to interview

"all these incredible people?"

And they paid you for this.

I didn't go to college.

I got a learning experience.

I get paid at the same time to ask questions

of famous people who's an incredible way to make a living.

- You're an enormously curious person.

- Yeah, I never got over that.

I never got over that.

I'm the last person who wanna sit next to me on an airplane.

I just, I engage people in college.

But I can remember being a kid, eight, nine years old,

get on a bus and I'd say to the bus driver,

"Why do you wanna drive a bus?

"What do you get out of driving a bus?"

- Go for it.

- I started a show in a restaurant in Miami Beach.

I was 23 years old.

- Pumper, uh.

- Pumper Nakes restaurant and people would come in.

Bobby Darin came in one day.

He was the first famous person I ever interviewed.

I never, I didn't know who would come in.

- Artificial flowers.

- The best record.

That was my favorite.

Everybody talks about Mac the Knife.

- Yeah.

- Artificial flowers.

- Pretty dark though.

- Yeah, from the Broadway show Tenderloin.

Alone in the world was poor little land.

- With garlic and the flowers.

Now she's up in heaven selling artificial,

no more artificial flowers, selling real flowers.

- No more artificial flowers.

- No dumb dumb flowers.

- No dumb dumb flowers.

- Bobby was the best.

Bobby Darin and I walked down the street.

- Now wasn't Bobby Darin fated to die?

- Yeah, well, you just, we walked down Collins Avenue.

And I said to him, "What, where's that come from?

"Your energy?"

He said, "I'm 36 years old.

"I'm not gonna make it to 42."

He had rickets, that heart disease as a kid.

So he knew he was never gonna make the middle age.

He was an incredible guy.

But people would come in a restaurant and cold,

I would just interview people.

I interviewed a plumber once for like 45 minutes.

I was fascinated by plumbing.

- You are?

- I'll tell you why.

No, he told me things I still remember 51 years later.

- Yeah.

- When you buy a house--

- Keep it clean.

- No, this is clean.

When you buy a house, most people get the inspectors

and everything.

The first person you should have inspect the house

you're buying is a plumber.

- Yeah?

- Because the plumbing is the key to your house.

Bad plumbing, you have a house that will destroy you

and cost you fortune.

- Money, Pat.

- Have the plumber go down, look at the pipes there.

Plumbing is the key to a house.

I never forgot that, 51 years or so.

And what do you get, what was his fascination

with making a house work?

You know, like, think about it, we take things for granted.

Where's the water going when you turn it down the same?

- I don't know.

- None of that is interesting to me,

but that's why you're so great.

- Everybody's interesting.

- Everybody--

- You think about Fred Stoller?

- He was on a few weeks ago.

- What?

- Fred Stoller.

- I love Fred, I was just--

- Who is Fred Stoller?

The name sounds like I should know him.

- No, he's just a guy.

- But he's just a guy?

- He's saying he's so uninteresting

that even you wouldn't be interested.

- What does Fred Stoller do?

- No, he's actually a very funny guy.

He's iconic.

- He wrote for Seinfeld for a year.

- Oh really, well, that's--

- I think it's interesting.

- Larry Davis is the genius of all.

I think, I watch old Seinfeld episodes.

- They're perfect.

- I would have to say that the genius

that led right into his later shows.

The stories all came together at the end.

The use of the characters.

I just interviewed Louis Dreyfus.

- Oh yeah, Julia.

- Julia, she talked about when they conceived that show

and putting it together, how they would sit

and go over the scripts and laugh their heads off

and the way he worked.

Larry David is a genius.

- He's a genius.

- Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Did you ever do Curb Your Enthusiasm?

- No, no, no.

I asked if I could do it.

- Yeah, I did too.

I would love to have been on that show.

'Cause all he gave you was an outline.

You know, there was no script really.

- Right, yeah.

- He had an outline and you had little--

- You wrote for Veep?

- Oh, I love Veep.

- I do too.

- That's why I talked to her about Veep.

- Your one, yeah.

- You know, Julia Louis Dreyfus,

I was always fascinated.

She was like from the, her father was a trillion,

trillionaire or something.

- Yeah, the Dreyfus.

- The Dreyfus one.

So I thought it would be hard to, you know,

'cause acting, you have to go do auditions and they--

- She was something.

- She's mean to you.

- 'Cause she's funny.

- But you're so rich, wouldn't you go out--

- She's funny, you would think.

- Yeah.

- But what keeps rich people driven?

- You think, like you're, what is that?

'Cause your children are rich.

You probably grew up poor, I'm betting.

- Poor, I was on, my father died when we were nine.

I was nine, my brother was six.

And we were on relief.

So New York City bought my first pair of glasses.

- Were they the ones you were wearing?

- No.


For two years, we would have an inspector come to the house

and he'd look at what kind of meat we bought.

New York City paid my rent.

So they called it relief, now it's called--

- Welfare.

- Welfare.

And I never forgot that, I never forgot being poor.

I never forgot, the other, the kids.

I was thinking the other day,

I didn't see a $20 bill 'til I delivered groceries

when I was 14 years old for Willie's Grocery Store.

I had a bike and I was like, they had to give me change.

So I'd have a $20 bill, they'd give me a $20 bill,

I had to give them change.

I never had a $20 bill.

I never asked my mother.

I don't ever remember asking my mother for more than $5.

You know, we were dirt poor.

And now my kid comes over to me the other day,

he's going to the Dodger Games, you get 100?

- 100?


- Chance.

14, you got 100?

Cannon's 13.

- Now then you would think about Chance and Candy,

go what is gonna drive these kids?

- I know, and I was talking to Carlos Slim today

and he said I'm making a mistake in giving them things.

But I was so poor, a lot of people who when they were poor,

the older they get, get conservative.

I get more liberal.

I figure it ain't gonna last.

What am I gonna do?

If I got 10 shirts, do I need, I only wear one a day,

you need a shirt, I'll give you a shirt.

I never saw the, you can't take it with you.

But I know there's a danger in that.

- I'm the same way with my kid,

but I want my kid to have whatever he wants.

- I want that value system.

But you also wanna give him, you know,

and things cost more, you wanna,

you know the thing they go to,

I used to sit in Dodger Games, 50 cents up in the bleachers.

I interviewed Jackie Robinson twice,

I was at his first game.

Little kid sitting up in the bleachers.

- Wow.

- I was, you know, but these kids today,

you know, they're sitting in the box seats.

They go, they know everybody in the stadium.

- Yeah.

- They go to Clipper Game,

we're going to Clipper Game tomorrow.

- Now as an old timey broadcaster,

do you have other old timey broadcaster friends?

- Well, they're dead.


You know, I--

- Who would they be like?

Tom Snyder, was he a radio guy?

- I knew Tom well.

Arthur Godfrey was one of my heroes.

Red Barber, the Dodger announcer.

I live for radio and in television.

And Mike Wallace was a great friend, I love Mike.

He did me on 60 Minutes.

And it was really great.

They were very laudatory.

And he said to me, "We were so good to you,

"I'm going to kill the next three guys we do."

Mike was a grand guy.

I said, "He had dementia at the end."

That's funny to you.

You know, McDonald, I want to tell you.

- No, it's a very odd thing to say.

- If you're looking, if you're looking

to broaden your horizons, I don't think it's wise

to laugh at someone who had dementia.

- I'm not laughing at that.

I'm laughing that you said,

he was the best.

- You just said. - I loved him.

- Mike Wallace was a great guy.

He had dementia at the end.

- It was sad that he had, why is that funny?

- You said it as if that's what made him a great guy,

was his raging dementia.

- You're not hearing things well.

You're not hearing things well.

I made a face like it was sad.

Not that he was great because of dementia.

- No, but how did you know he had dementia?

- I'll tell you how I knew.

I went to his apartment in New York.

He took my hand and he said, "You came to see me.

"You came to see, I can't believe that you came to see me."

And then 10 minutes later, "You came to see me."

And then he remembered things and then not,

you know, the saddest disease of all.

- Dementia.

- Is dementia, Alzheimer's.

'Cause all you have when you think about it is your memory.

You don't have anything else.

If I take away your memory, I take away you.

- That's true, that's true.

- If I take away you, that's gotta be the scariest.

I talked to Nancy Reagan a lot about,

you know, Ronald Reagan's last.

The scariest colors scare you.

You know, they used to mute the television set

to make it black and white because red will frighten you.

'Cause you have no memory of red.

- Wow, oh my gosh.

I never realized how deep it was.

- Think about someone comes in a room

that's taken care of you.

You don't know who they are.

- Right. - Right?

- Yeah, you don't know who they are,

what they're here to do.

- Well, if all of you--

- They can't give it us and get love back.

- If all you have is memory, if I said to you,

"Larry, you can go on the greatest adventure in the world

"in the Himalayas with a fantastic,

"with your wife and a fantastic adventure

"for three weeks and come back

"and not have a single memory of it."

- I wouldn't go.

- You wouldn't go.

That's interesting, isn't it?

As a matter of fact, when people go,

they include the memory in it.

They go, "I'm gonna go to Paris

"and we're gonna have a great time.

"You'll have lots of memories.

"We'll take lots of pictures."

- Lots of memories, that's why we take pictures.

- Yeah, isn't that interesting?

- And the memory is all we have.

And the amazing thing is, Carl Reiner said to me.

- He holds your hand down?

- Yeah, he goes like this,

"The only problem I have is short-term memory loss.

"The only problem I have is short-term memory loss."


I have a little, when you get older,

you start to get a little short-term.

But I remember things from 10 years ago like that.

- Yeah.

- Don't you have, you can remember things

from childhood.

- Yes.

- I remember walking down the street,

I remember my friends.

You have terrible--

- Yeah, terrible.

- I had good memory.

- He can remember like when he was a kid,

but he can't remember murdering that prostitute last night.


- You can go to jail for that.

It's a whole new law.

- I've been told.


- How old is he?

- I don't remember.

- If you don't remember, you're not gonna make it.

- Pass that lie detector test with flying colors.

- But before we get into jokes,

I really wanna hear about Larry's standup.

- Well, that'll get us into the jokes.

- I don't tell jokes, I tell stories.

- Oh, those are my favorite kind of comics.

- I do stories of my childhood.

Stories of things that happened to me as a kid.

Stories that happened in broadcasting.

Stories that happened making speeches.

I do, and I might throw in a joke or two,

but basically it's a collection,

it's an evening of storytelling.

- It's like Mark Twain.

- Mark Twain.

- Like Josh Billings.

- Who?

- Who's Josh Billings?

- Are you from New Jersey?

- No.

But I make fun of things, I make fun of myself.

- And when did you start on--

- Would you ever do a joke like this?

These are pre-vetted, so they're not filled.

- Apparently someone in Germany

stole five metric tons of Nutella.

Police haven't arrested anyone yet,

but they are questioning Gunther Hogsbogen,

the 700 pound man that smells like chocolate and hazelnuts,

who gots the New Cella storage for his car.


- That's funny.

- Yeah, what about this?

This is what you were talking about earlier, 42.

- I love the movie 42, it's Chadwick Boseman,

like you've never seen him before.

Of course you've never seen him before.

I get that.

- Yeah, man.

Here, you wanna do a joke?

- Yeah, sure, let's do jokes.

- Don't make it, don't be dirty, 'cause Larry King's there.

- All right.

There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's,

says the guy who didn't shove a bunch of Reese's

up his ass.

- I just asked you.

Larry, you'll like this.

- It wasn't too bad.

- Amanda Bynes is a lush blonde who's quickly

turning into a blonde blush.

I tend to laugh at my own,

and when I meet a joke that's funny, I love jokes.

- That's good to laugh at.

You know what my dad would do?

- Henny Youngman was a great friend of mine.

- He was?

- Oh, he was.

- He was the best.

- The best.

Nothing made, not--

- Take my wife, please, all right?

- Yeah, but nothing would lead into things.

In other words, he'd get up and just,

a stream of consciousness.

Woody Allen's favorite comedian was Henny Youngman.

In other words, he'd tell you a joke like this

and then go like this, and you know what I mean?

You go through this, and I go to the doctor,

and the doctor said to me, "You look great.

You're gonna live through your 60."

I said, "I am 60."

"Well, I got you."

(both laughing)

That's funny.

- That's funny.

What do you think of this?

Hey, how about this?

Take my wife, please.

You think of that joke, three-word setup,

one-word punchline, four-word joke.

- Four-word joke. - That's impressive.

- I'll get better than that.

- I haven't even thought about that.

- If you're looking for your porn star name,

have you ever heard of them, this,

where people make up porn star names?

They take their childhood pet's name,

and then they combine it with the street name.

So anyway, his mind would be Dick Fuckington.

I lived on Fuckington Crescent.

But none of this would be on the Hulu show we're doing.

- No.

- Well, how about this?

College freshman Scott Damero, Larry,

set a new world record by using his head to bust 142 eggs,

and he now officially holds a place

in the Guinness Book of Fucking Returns.


Oh, it's ridiculous.

It's just ridiculous.

Why are these dirty?

This is a great one for you, Larry.

- I got a funny joke.

- It's newsy.

- If you were a Russian prostitute on a date

with serial killer Andre Chigatilly,

AKA the Rastor Ripper,

and he couldn't achieve an erection,

that was not your lucky day.


All right, this guy's gonna go to prison.

And he's really scared, he's worried.

He gets scared, he's gonna go to prison.

A friend says, "Go talk to that guy,

"just got out of San Quentin."

He goes, "You just got out of San Quentin?

"I'm scared to death."

Come on, it's a piece of cake.

I wanna ask you something.

Monday, you like music?

Monday's Music Day at San Quentin.

All popular new music is played for you,

and major composers come and talk to you,

talk to all the convicts.

You're gonna love Monday.

Tuesday, you like food?

Tuesday's Food Day at San Quentin.

Chefs come and cook meals all day long,

famous chefs, Wolfgang Puck comes

and talks to the prisoners about how to cook.

- Wow.

- You're gonna love Tuesday.

Wednesday, Wednesday is Exercise Day.

All the new physical equipment comes in,

and the major physical guys in America

come in and teach you, you're gonna love Wednesday.

Now Thursday, are you gay?


You're not gonna like Thursday.


That's a funny joke.

- That's a great joke.

You tell a joke now, Larry, maybe he'll use it in his act.

- All right, so there's two gay guys talking.

- It doesn't have to be gay guys again, does it?

- No, it's really not that bad.

It's not insulting.

No, no.

Two gay guys are playing hide and seek.

- Oh, no, no, we're not gonna do that.

We're not gonna do that joke.

We're not gonna do that joke.

But I think this is a great joke for Larry King.

- It's news, it's news.

- I was just walked out of a bar.

Could happen.

The Al Qaeda online magazine Inspire

has a recipe for a homemade bomb.

They also have a recipe for a pretty darn good

pizza cobbler.


- So they're not all bad, you know?

- I crack up when I see a funny joke and I hear it.

- You know, I'll tell you this, Larry.

Say what you want about how huge and fat my head has gotten.

But you'll, who'll, ah, forget it.


- Try iron.


- You know, my clothes, Larry, make me look slimmer.

But they did not fool that flight of stairs

that collapsed under my astonishing new girth.


- Who writes these?

- I'm fat now.

- Where do they come from?

- Have you ever been fat?

It doesn't seem like you, you were.

- When I had my heart attack, I weighed 195.

- When you had your heart attack?

- Yeah.

- You weighed 195?

Now you probably weigh about 175.

- 161.

- 161.

- And what are you, 5'10"?

- 5'10 1/2".

- 161, so you're probably no body fat.

- Oh, I have a little bit in the rim here.

- Yeah, I got more than that.

- My legs, my arms are thin. - You got an M jowl.

- My arms are thin.

I don't have, I used to have jowls, I don't have jowls.

- I have more chins than that.

- How old are you?

- Huh?


- How old are you?

- I said I'll be 50 in October.

- Oh my God, 50.

That was a turning point, I didn't like 50.

- Why, what happened then?

- I just didn't like turning 50.

- It's an odd number, huh?

- So I went through a little party for me

and George Will was there and Bob Costas

and I got in my car to go to work,

turned on the radio and the first thing I heard was,

"Over 50, join AARP."

- Oh my God, is that what the number is?

- Yeah, 50.

And I hit the button to go to another station

and the guy said, "You ride Metro, over 50, one third off."

- Oh my gosh.

- Two over 50s in a row.

- That would freak me out.

- I didn't like that.

I seen one time I was watching the TV

and you remember the $6 million man?

You remember that fellow?

- Sure, of course.

- Worth $6 million, he had so much stuff.

Anyways, this is years later now,

the show has been off the air.

Now he's on the TV for a hearing aid.

He's like, it's called the bionic ear.

It's not the real bionic ear like in the show

where you could hear a guy in Paris talking.

It's just, and he's like,

"I can't hear too good."

- You get older now.

- I know, but you don't do them commercials.

- Aging is a bitch.

- What about them commercials

where the guy's literally selling you death?

You ever see those?

I was like, did you ever, you're gonna die soon

and you didn't get your stuff together?

- That's the one thing I fear is dying.

- Me, man, that haunts me.

- 'Cause the thought of not existing.

You know, it's like, you know what the new thing

they call it is?

Dirt nap.

- Good God, Larry.

- That's what they call it, a dirt nap.

- You would not say that on Hulu.

- No, I wouldn't say it, but I'd say it here.


- But look, can I calm your fears about death?

- Yeah, please.

- You-- - You're being serious.

Are you being serious?

- You're being completely serious.

'Cause I used to be, as he knows, obsessed with it.

- All right, all right.

- I ruminated all night on it.

And then I came to a realization

that you and death will never intersect.

As long as you're here, death is not.

As long as death is there, you are not.

- Yeah, but since you know it's coming.

- Oh, but, well, yeah, you don't want that.


You wanna go--

- But knowledge, I have the knowledge,

I can't take away the knowledge that it's coming.

I don't believe I'm going anywhere.

- You don't?

- Do not, do not believe in a higher power

looking down on me.

I see too much, I've interviewed too many religious leaders,

too many people who, I've never got the answer

to the one question, which is why?

Why Connecticut children, why?

Why a bomber in Boston?

Because if there is a God, he's omnipotent.

If he's omnipotent, he could prevent it.

Why didn't he prevent it?

- I don't know, man, but you gotta stop hanging out

in that hot tub with Bill Maher all the time.

He gets, it sounds like you got

a God-shaped hole in your heart.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- I agree with Bill Maher on religion,

and I'm married to a very religious woman.

My wife is a devout Mormon, so we don't discuss religion

in the house because I think organized religion is--

- No, I agree with you, we're organized.

- It'll cause more problems.

- But come on, don't you wanna live forever?

- You bet.

- Don't you wanna cross that river?

- Yeah, I wanna.

- Don't you wanna kiss tomorrow now?

- You believe you go somewhere?

- Sure.

- Where do you go?

- Well, first they put you in a big black car.

- By golly, everybody's dressed in their best Sunday

of go-to-meeting clothes.

- The best was Mel Brooks as the 2000-year-old man.

Still the funniest comic ever made.

When he says to him, "How do you live 2000 years?"

Well, once, I was 400 years old,

and I got a tip that the angel of death was coming.

And what I did was I ate a whole clove of garlic,

and I got under the covers, and the angel of death

tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and said, "Who is it?"

And he went away for 300 years.

(both laughing)

Mel Brooks.

- Mel Brooks is amazing.

- He's doing the show next week.

- Is he?

- Yeah.

- There's nobody funnier.

- Wait, what show?

- I've interviewed, he's doing your show here?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I've interviewed every funny person in the world,

you and you're very funny, there's nobody.

- Am I second?

- Because Mel Brooks is a freaking genius.

I had him on my show the night Neil Armstrong

landed on the moon.


- Allegedly.

- He's on my radio show.

The night Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.

So I said to him, "You wanna play the 2000 year old man?"

He says, "Okay."

I said, "Okay, my guess is the 2000 year old man tonight.

"Man has landed on the moon.

"What do you think of that?"

And out of nowhere, he says, "I love the moon.

"The moon in my whole life, 2000 years,

"is my favorite thing is the moon."

I said, "Why?"

He says, "Because for 400 years,

"I thought I had a cataract."


And one day this guy named Irving said,

"Isn't the moon beautiful tonight?"

I said, "The what?"

- Irving.

- That's funny.

Mel, is he really coming here?

- Yeah.

- Well, you get ready.

- Yeah, I got a threat. - You know Mel, don't you?

- Oh my God.

- There's nobody like him.

- Well, what about this?

I love Liberace, but with all due respect, man,

if you kick that guy in the ass,

a hundred cocks would fall out.

- Now, this is not what I do on Hulu.

- No, you wouldn't do that.

- No, no, no.

'Cause I have respect for Carlos Thin.

How much money does he have?

- I don't know, it's mostly tied up in iron.

- I wonder where a guy named Carlos Thin

from Mexico made all his money.

- He made it in telecommunications.

He owns the Mexican phone system.

And in cell phones.

And then he branches out, he owns Saks Fifth Avenue.

He owns, he bought Apple at 20.

- What?

- He bought a-

- He owns Apple?

- No, he bought Apple at 20.

- He bought $20 a share.

- Oh, got it.

- I don't know how many shares he bought,

but it's selling for 450.

So do it yourself, he owns Saks Fifth Avenue.

He owns part of the New York Times.

But he's in a lot of things, mining.

He's got mines.

He's got a lot of businesses.

He's a wonderful man.

He's a devoted family man.

He's a humble kind of guy.

- And he had bloodthirsty.

- I guess you gotta be a little-

- A little bit to rise that up.

- To acquire, yeah.

A 76.

- 76 years old?

- Billion dollars, and he's 73.

- That's not too old.

- I'm 79.

- You're 79?

- I don't look good, do I?

- No, 'cause my mother's 79 and-

- She looks old.

(both laughing)

- Maybe that's the way it is with ladies and men.

- But you told me that-

- There was a movie, you remember "About Schmidt"?

Do you remember that movie?

- Sure, I love that.

- It opened with Nicholson.

You know, Nicholson, who I guess was about 70 at the time,

lying beside a regular looking 70 year old woman,

and it was the funniest thing ever.

Because, you know, he would never be with us.

- Actually, when Sinatra told me,

I got to interview Sinatra.

I did a last interview with Sinatra.

- We still set that up, right?

- Yeah, he did.

Knowing pretty well.

- You know such a-

- When Sinatra was dating Mia Farrow,

I said to him,

what are you, you're dating such a young girl.

So he was like 60 then.

I said, you want me with a 60 year old woman?

(both laughing)

You want to see Frank Sinatra with a 60 year old boy?

- That's a good point.

He would not be as cool out there

when they cut to his old bag of a wife.

- If he liked you, you didn't have a better friend.

If he didn't like you.

- Like Rickles would say,

you'd be in a meat hook up your ass.

- You got an aunt in New Jersey?

(both laughing)

Yeah, Frank, but he was something.

- So you knew the mob guys.

You were in Miami.

- I knew a lot of them.

I knew the famous Jewish.

- Meyer Lansky.

- Meyer Lansky, quick Meyer Lansky,

I know we got to go.

We do have to go right here.

- We do, yes.

- Meyer Lansky, I'm sitting there.

I go to a restaurant called the Forge in Miami

and I go to the bathroom

and I come out in the Maitre D grasslands.

You know who's sitting next to you?

Meyer Lansky.

Now, any little Jewish boy,

you kind of worship Meyer Lansky

because he fought against the odds

and he was a criminal skimming in Vegas,

he invented skimming, murder incorporated.

Meyer Lansky, little Jewish guy.

- Of course you are.

- He's sitting with another guy.

- That would be your hero.

- He's sitting with Jimmy Blue Eyes,

who was Meyer's killer.

Meyer never killed anyone, Jimmy Blue Eyes.

They're both sitting there with their wives.

I sit down and I'm here and Meyer's at this table

and he leans open and grabs my jacket.

It goes like this.

And I lean over to him and he goes,

"You're making a dollar?"


You're making a dollar?

Then I'm hearing them talk.

It's Meyer Lansky and Jimmy Blue Eyes,

two of the mafia kingpins with their wives.

Here's the conversation.

Jimmy, why don't you, this is in Miami,

why don't you move here?

Why don't you stay in New York?

It's 24 degrees.

I don't know, Meyer.

All my friends are in New York.

"Hey, come down here," and Meyer's wife says,

"I'm going to Neiman Marcus tomorrow.

Go, go to Neiman Marcus."

It's all like two haberdashes.

These are great killers.

- Unbelievable.

So when you looked at him,

you would not see dead eyes or anything.

There was nothing to betray.

- Beautiful Blue Eyes.

- Jimmy Blue Eyes?

Are you gonna hold my hand again?


- No, I'm not.

- You gotta go.

- This has been one of the great moments of my life.

And as Don Rickles would say,

"This made my career."


- No, it was great you dressed up.

- I was taping all day.

- Oh, I thought you dressed up.

- I did the Milken Conference,

a big Michael Milken Conference.

- Michael Milken?

- I interviewed Carlos Slim,

and then I interviewed him for my own show.

- God, I'd like to meet that Carlos Slim.

You think that could happen?

- Yeah.

- Could you make that happen? - He's in town.

Go over to the Beverly Hilton tonight,

and he'll be there watching Paul Anka sing.

- Paul Anka?

- Remember him?

- Sure.

- Do I remember Paul Anka?

- Yeah, he's still around.

- Didn't Paul Anka sing?

- "My Way."

- He wrote "My Way."

You know, he stole it from a French guy.

That's what I read.

- Yeah, with the music.

He didn't steal it.

- No, not steal it.

I shouldn't say steal it.

He wrote the lyrics.

- Now the end is near.

And as I face the final curtain.

- You must be terrified when you hear that song.

- No, I don't like that song.

But you don't care, because death don't meet life.

- Yeah, death don't meet life.

That's a better way to put it.

Death don't meet life.

I was trying to be, oh.

Someone told me once, you shouldn't fear death

because last night, did you sleep?

Yeah, you could've died.

What if you went to sleep last night and you didn't get up?

You wouldn't know it.

- It does suck that you sleep a third of your life.

- No.

I don't like sleeping.

I wish I didn't have to sleep.

I'm not a person who, I went at six o'clock

and I get up, up.

I don't like lying around in bed.

- I can't do that.

That's amazing.

- I don't like sleep.

- That's why I'm saying you live in a good time,

because you can keep doing things.

I keep saying it's like the champions tour.

You can go to Hulu and then you can go to anywhere you want.

You can just keep working.

Forget CNN, right?

Everybody else has.

- Norm, this has been a pleasure.

Adam, say hello to Eve.

Say hello to Eve.

- I sure will.

- Say hello to Steve, you mean.

- Oh, he's gay?

- Well, there's nothing wrong with it.

- I don't say there's anything wrong with it.

Just tell me if he is.

- I'm not.

- He is.


- The great Larry King.

- Thank you guys.

Thank you all very much.

No applause.

- That means the show is over.

- That's it?

- Oh yeah, we don't have any.

- I've closed more shows.

- Thank you for watching everyone.

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