Norm Macdonald Live (2013–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - Tom Green - full transcript

Comedian Tom Green joins Norm Macdonald and Adam Eget for their sophomore show.

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(upbeat music)

- Good evening everybody, welcome to Norm Macdonald Live,

episode number two, and tonight we have

the great Tom Green on the show.

We will be asking him questions, interviewing him.

I will be interviewing him along

with my trusty sidekick, Adam Egret.

- It's Egret.

- Egret, he's right.

Adam Egret.



- How are you Norm?

- Good man, how's your Easter?

- It's fantastic, couldn't be better.

- That's great.

- Yeah, it's great.

- I thought the show was great last week,

our first show, Super Dave Osborne.

- Amazing.

- It was hilarious.

- Unbelievable.

- Hysterical.

- Unbelievable, and we're not the only ones that think that.

I have some pretty good news.

The critics loved us, they couldn't get enough of it,



and more importantly, we officially

are the number one podcast on iTunes.

So not too shabby.

- But I will tell you about critics.

You can't get wrapped up in that kind of thing,

'cause critics, you know what I mean,

they're just one guy's opinion.

- Right.

- That's just one guy's opinion.

- That's true.

- You know what I mean?

What I like about the computer is it's interactive.

Do you know what that means?

- Yeah, sure.

- It doesn't matter if you don't,

I didn't either before today.

But what it means is that the people that are watching,

they can post their own reviews of the show.

- Absolutely.

- On the web page.

- Sure, yeah, of course.

So what I did is, 'cause that's what I care about,

I don't care about Owen Gleiberman.

- Right, that's not who we do this with.

- I care about the folks at home.

- Right.

- And so Daniel Callison gave me a big bunch of comments,

these are comments.

- Oh cool.

- From the internet.

- Oh great.

- People that listen to this,

and I haven't read any of these, I'm just gonna read 'em.

- Oh I can't wait to hear some, let's hear some.

- I'm gonna read 'em live, 'cause this is a live show,

I don't wanna do pre-stuff.

- No.

- Do you like pre-stuff?

- No.

- Who likes pre-stuff?

- So do you wanna hear one?

- Of course.

- This first one is from Monkfan72, I love these guys' names.

- That guy likes Monk.

- That guy likes Monk.

He says, "I loved this podcast.

"It was great to see Norm Macdonald back,

"and Super Dave was the perfect choice as first guest.

"Lose the douchebag."

- He's talking about me.

- Well we don't know if he's talking about you.

- He's clearly talking about me.

- He is talking about you.

But listen, it's not bad news.

It further elucidates my point actually,

because let's suppose this guy were Richard Corliss,

or Pauline Kael, I don't know if she's still working.

- I don't think so, but I get it.

- That would hurt, but this is one person's opinion,

but I have hundreds of other people.

- All right, yeah, you're right.

It's one guy, he's entitled to his opinion,

and that's fine, whatever.

- And mostly they like the show.

- Well good, let's hear another one then.

- All right. - Let's hear another one.

What's the deal with that fucking douchebag?

Well, that was about you.

- I mean, are there any good ones?

- I'll look. - Okay.

- Not good.

Okay, let me see here.

Ooh.

- What, is it a good one?

- It's not good at all.

I found one.

- Oh, good.

- Yes. - Okay.

- This is a positive one.

Thoroughly enjoyed it from top to bottom.

- Great.

- Blinky 91 says.

A sparkling exchange between veteran funnyman Norm McDonald

and comedy legend Super Dave Osborne.

One minor problem, the set.

- Oh.

- It's just too distracting.

Why are there so many clocks?

We're not tuning in to see what time it is in Hong Kong.

We're tuning in to listen to comedians doing comedy.

Plus some douchebag, I don't know who he was,

but I like to punch him right in the fucking face.

Okay. - I mean.

- We don't need to know what the people think.

- Well, no, I mean, it's hard Norm.

It's just, it's hard.

I'm not used, you know, I'm not used to this.

- You know why, 'cause you're just new to the hopes.

- I think that's part of it.

- Show business thing.

- Oh yeah, that.

- You know what it reminds me of?

I read in a book one time about Saturday Night Live,

which I was on.

- Yeah.

- And when it started out Chevy Chase retired

then Bill Murray came on.

Nobody liked Bill Murray.

- Nobody liked Bill Murray?

- Unfathomable today to think that.

- Shocking.

- But they did not like him because he was new.

You understand?

- I get it, I mean, that makes sense.

- So what he did, it was very famous.

He went on TV.

He talked right to the camera, right?

And he introduced himself to the folks.

- Did it work? - Said who he was.

Of course it worked.

- Oh yeah, it was Bill Murray.

- It was Bill Murray.

He's probably the most successful guy ever

to come out of the franchise.

- Maybe you're right.

- So why don't you just look at your camera

and tell the folks who you are.

Introduce yourself. - All right, I'll give it

a shot. - All right.

- Let's see who works.

- I'm Adam Eget.

I work at the world famous comedy store.

I'm the manager over there.

Before that I was a manager at the Tempe Improv

and I don't know what I'm doing, I'll be honest.

And I'm not an actor, I'm not a comedian,

but I'm just gonna try my best

and I'm gonna do the best I can.

And I hope that people watching at home

will give me a chance to, I don't know,

just give me a chance.

And I did this as a favor to Norm.

Yeah, I'm not an actor and I'm not a comedian.

- This guy says your face looks like a cunt.

- I can't, I mean, I can't even change that.

It's not the first time I've heard that.

But, I mean.

- But you know what?

I didn't get you on this show 'cause you're funny.

That's clear. - Yeah, obviously.

- I got it because you're a friend of mine

and we go a long way back.

We have chemistry. - Exactly.

- What they call chemistry and that's irreplaceable

on TV. - Yeah, I mean,

it took a long time for us to build that chemistry.

- We've known each other a long time.

- A long time.

- I met you when I was on Saturday Night Live

doing the news segment. - Right.

- And you were just a kid.

You were, what were you? - 18, 19.

- Something like that.

And I liked you right from the start, I'll tell you that.

'Cause you had, you know,

you didn't have a lot going for you.

- No. - But you had get up and go.

You had grit. - Absolutely.

- You know, and you had gumption.

And these are things that my dad always taught me

to look for in a fella, you know?

- Said to look for gumption.

- Yeah, gumption and grit, you know?

- Of course.

- You remember when we first met?

Where we were, remember where we were?

- Um, yes, Carnegie Deli.

I think that's Trump. - No, no, no.

No, that was, we met at,

we were at Carnegie Deli's where I interviewed you

for Saturday Night Live. - Oh, you're right,

you're right. - No, we're doing

first meeting. - But we first met,

I met you underneath the Queensborough Bridge.

You at the time were jerking off punks for $15 a man.

- My whole family's watching, man.

My grandmother.

- Your family doesn't know that when you were a young man,

you used to jerk off punks for $15 a man?

What is a fucking podcast anyway?

- It's, well, it's originally, I think, a broadcast

that was initially intended to be downloaded

on a people's iPod, so that's,

I call it a podcast. - A podcast?

- Yeah. - That's interesting.

- Yeah.

- Huh.

You know what I don't understand?

Why don't we have all these cameras here?

- Well, it's evolved.

I mean, it started out that way, very simple,

very punk attitude, do it yourself,

and I think it's evolved.

And people have video podcasts,

all kinds of different podcasts now.

But you're right, we have a huge staff here.

- But I've been on people's podcasts.

- Right. - Mark Maron.

- Oh, yeah, great. - You go into his garage,

it's just him with a microphone.

- Right, right, yeah. - No overhead, nothing.

- No, no.

Greg Fitzsimmons, same deal.

- Yeah.

- Adam Carolla, same deal.

You're always in a guy's garage,

as is you and him.

- Exactly, I think this adds a new dynamic.

It's pretty cool. - But this,

we have so many people. - Very elaborate, yeah.

- There's a hundred people working here.

- Oh, yeah. - And you know what?

- It's a huge production. - I think that

it cuts into the overhead.

That's why we're not seeing any money out of this.

- Well, I mean, I got paid, I got a check.

- You got paid for this for this?

- You didn't get a check?

- I did not get a check.

Who paid you? - I got a check.

Daniel Kellsin, our producer, he gave me a check last week.

- You got a check from Daniel?

- Yeah, we got it right here.

- No way, let me see that. - Yeah, right here.

- Let me see this thing.

It is from Daniel Kellsin,

paid to the order of Adam Egott for services rendered, $15.

I'm sorry, folks, we'll be back with Tom Green.

We are back on the podcast and our guest with us,

the hilarious Tom Green.

- Hey, thanks. - How are you, Tom?

- Good, I'm doing real good.

Thanks for having me on the show.

- So happy to have you.

- Adam, how are you? - How are you?

It's good to see you again.

- You know Adam Egott? - Yeah, I know Adam

from the Tempe Improv and the Comedy Store.

- That's right. - What are you doing here?

- I'm just helping Norm out.

- Yeah.

- Tom, that's one of the first clubs

when you made your triumphant return to stand up.

I believe Tempe was one of the first clubs you played.

- Absolutely, yeah.

No, we had a great time out there.

- I remember you didn't,

it wasn't at the time you put on,

you had everybody dressed as robots.

- Oh yeah.

Wow, that is true.

Yeah, I thought it might be good

to have kind of a hook to it.

Come to the show, but if you haven't heard

about the show yet, meet me on the corner

in front of Subway, wrap tinfoil around your head,

and we'll walk around Tempe, Arizona for a couple hours.

- It was a blast.

- Yeah, that was what I did the first weekend.

I don't do that anymore.

- As a matter of fact, when I first met you,

you were dressed as a robot.

I don't know if you remember that.

- Yeah. - You had such a good memory.

- I do, the very first time I met you

was on the Regis show.

- That's right.

- It was in the dressing room of the Regis show,

and I went on in a large, some sort of a robot costume.

- Yeah, yeah.

And I was confused at that time,

because everybody was telling me about Tom Green,

and I mistakenly thought they meant,

they said, "You know this guy Tom Green

"from Canada has a sketch show."

- Yeah, you were thinking Red Green.

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Do you get that a lot?

- Yeah, people would always ask, confused back.

- 'Cause Red Green was a more traditional,

older kind of guy that had a kind of lame show.

- Yeah, and that show was huge.

- Sounds like Red Green suddenly is broken.

- Yeah, that show was huge in Canada at that time.

So yeah, absolutely.

- And there was another guy in Canada,

I think Red Green, it was a fisherman.

- Oh yeah, Red Green?

- I think it was, he'd bring out guys fishing every week.

- Oh, okay, yeah.

His name was Red Green too.

- Yeah, I used to like those shows.

You do a lot of fishing growing up in Canada?

- Oh yeah, yeah, salmon.

- Salmon? - Yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

- In the--

- And you know what was a bad fish was rock bass,

'cause they'd always have worms in them.

- Yeah, rock bass, largemouth bass.

- Yeah.

- Smallmouth bass put up a bit more of a fight

than the largemouth.

- Is that right?

- Yeah, if you know anything about Canadian freshwater fish.

- He doesn't know, but he knows a lot

about smallmouth and largemouth.

- Yeah.

You learned that at the comedy store.

- Well, more under the Queen's of Bridge, but yeah.

- So how do the other comics feel?

Like you're at the comedy store,

you're running the comedy store.

- Exactly.

- And they're all there working on their comedy,

hoping to maybe someday break into television.

And then all of a sudden there's this great new opportunity,

Norm Macdonald starting his new live talk show,

and he's looking for a co-host.

Does he go down and look for the latest talent

at the comedy store on stage?

But no, he just ends up, I mean,

are the other comics kind of like--

- Yeah, they're not happy.

- Yeah.

- Some of them are in my ear, they're like,

you know what you should do?

You should get me in there.

You clearly don't know what the fuck you're doing.

You're not happy about it.

- Adam is very nervous about the whole venture.

- I'm a wreck, I'm a fucking wreck.

- No, I think it's hilarious.

- He may start drinking again.

- I probably will start drinking again.

- I just think that maybe a lot of people at the office

might be pissed about this whole thing.

- You would not be wrong.

- Tom's drinking?

- Yeah, yeah, it looks great.

- Tom has drank for as long as I've known him.

- Yeah, oh yeah, I drink, yeah.

I'm starting to smoke too.

- You've started smoking?

- I'm starting now, I'm just starting.

- It's harder than you think.

You should probably start with a patch.

- Yeah, no, I actually started with the e-cigarettes.

- Oh, did you really?

- Yeah, I was smoking those for the last couple of months.

- I think you actually were.

- Yeah, and then gradually built up sort of an addiction

to the nicotine.

- So you work backwards.

- Yeah, but it's not really,

I don't know where I put my lighter.

Does anyone have a light?

- Yeah, I do.

I do have a lighter.

- You can shed the pounds.

- Thank you, here we go, thanks.

- You're welcome.

- Thanks, Adam.

- That beer reminds me of an old timey Canadian beer.

Like an old 50, like an old stubby 50.

- Yeah, exactly.

- Stubby bottles, that's actually why

when Daniel offered a beer, I thought,

oh, the stubby, reminds you of the good old days.

- How long you been up, booze?

- About 10 months, 10 long, long.

- 10, now to smoke.

- I'll smoke it for you if you're not all right.

- No, I'm trying.

- I just figured it would be rude not to offer you a light.

- It's nice, but I'm trying not to,

and I feel if I--

(laughing)

- Sitting there with a cigarette.

- I feel if I took one puff.

I have an oral fixation, my doctor tells me,

which is not good.

(laughing)

How did he know that?

- I was sucking his cock.

(laughing)

I was sucking his cock.

You're a friend of Andrew Dice Clay.

- Yes, absolutely, yeah.

- Isn't that seem an improbable friendship, Tom Green?

- And Dice, yes.

- Dice and I have really become very good friends.

- Is that true?

- Yeah, very good friends.

I spent Thanksgiving at his house this year.

I was over at his house.

We hang out all the time.

He lives near me, we go over,

we go smoke cigarettes actually together.

We go down and meet at the Starbucks

and we sit on the steps at the Starbucks

and smoke cigarettes together.

- Oh, that's awesome.

- It was a friendship that basically formed

because of my Webovision show that I was doing

with my living room.

He came up at the house, did that.

He started--

- Tom invented this entire form.

- Oh yeah, he invented pretty much everything

that we know over the last five years.

No, I'm dead serious.

Is it true you invented planking, I hear?

I didn't know this.

- No, no, no.

- No.

- No, I didn't.

There was an article in CNN that said I invented planking,

which was the craze last summer

where everyone was lying down on their face.

- Right.

- And I had shot a video of myself doing that in '94.

So yeah.

- And you didn't even think it was a big thing.

- Yeah, I didn't think it was a big deal.

But yeah, so I got credited with that.

Inventing the shittiest thing ever.

Am I allowed to swear on?

Oh, can I swear?

- Yeah, you can swear on.

- Yeah, good to get credit for things like that.

- But seriously though, you did.

You had the show Tom Green's House.

- Yeah, well, it was so much fun

when you would come do the show all the time

and it was amazing 'cause when we--

- Drink Like Crazy.

- Built the studio in my living room

and you go, oh geez, I wonder if I built a studio

in my living room if Norm Macdonald would come over

every time I asked him.

And you did almost come over almost every time.

- Do you remember the time I came, I did the Tonight Show?

Another guest was Pitbull.

- Yeah, and then you brought Pitbull's band with you.

And we sat up and did the whole show.

- We did the show before the Tonight Show.

- It was the same line up.

- But that's the thing, right?

Yeah, we had 'em on before the Tonight Show.

(laughing)

That's what's amazing about this.

- This was the fist off their fingers.

- Is that what's exciting about this?

- This is exciting, but I feel like we're just

a cheap Tom Green knockoff.

Like you did it for how many years did you do that show?

- I did it for, well, you know, it's just,

it's web broadcasting, it's the future, man.

Everyone's jumping in.

- You did it in the past.

- Yeah, that's true.

I was just trying to basically find a way to build

like a Johnny Carson show, you know?

- Right, right, right.

- That was all it was, or a David Letterman show.

- Right.

- Which would have been who I looked up to.

- Real trend center.

Like just, you just started all these things.

I was talking to Norm about this earlier

and I just feel like you picked up right where

Andy Kaufman left off.

- That's why I say the pioneers leave with the arrows

in their back right now.

- That's right.

You got plenty of arrows in your back.

That's a great line.

- You don't wanna be--

- You know, I'm still doing my podcast.

It's not like I stopped.

- Tom, you don't wanna be--

- I'm number 14 on iTunes right now.

- Is that right?

- Yeah, yeah.

My new podcast is a radio show.

You go to iTunes podcast, I interview people.

- Yes, I've heard it.

It's hilarious.

- You've done my podcast so many times.

- You've interviewed me 10, 15 times.

I wanted to, you know, I want you to come on again

and we'll talk about other stuff.

Yeah, this one's more radio though.

It's just audio.

And I do it in a little radio studio.

- You did a radio one with me once over at the Smod Castle.

- Oh, Kevin Smith.

- That's right, yeah.

This one's no audience.

It's just in a little studio so it's kind of more intimate.

You have the headphones on.

I like that better actually.

- Better than this fucking shit.

- I've kind of, you know what?

No, I like it better than doing it in my living room.

I actually, it was driving me nuts.

Five years having, it's good that you didn't decide

to do it in your garage or your living room.

You don't want people coming over to your house all the time.

- Well, it was absolute chaos at that house.

People wandering through your whole house.

Like, 'cause I guess we'd come bring 10, 15 people

and then they'd just be.

- Yeah, we had a lot of fun up there.

We would stay out.

We would often stay after the show too

and just watch YouTube videos

till six o'clock in the morning.

- Yeah, I know you love YouTube.

- It was a good time.

You're on YouTube here, right?

This is YouTube?

- This is, is it?

- Yeah, it's YouTube.

- It's Google.

- Well, it's YouTube.

Remember, that's where we got all those comments from.

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Apparently we're all-- - It is YouTube.

- Backslash. - TomGreen.

- Yeah.

- Which I think a slash does go that way.

I'm not sure. - Yeah.

- I think it's a-- - Forward slash?

- Yeah, I think it is a backslash.

- I never know what to call it.

- You don't smoke comfortably. - I tell you, I'm new.

I'm just starting. - Oh, you are starting.

I can tell 'cause I can smoke perfectly.

I started smoking. - Or lie.

- I started smoking on purpose, deliberately,

when I was a boy. - Why?

- When I was 12 years old, nobody liked me and stuff.

So I thought everybody will like me if I smoke.

- Is that on Jasper?

- That's right.

He remembers everything.

- We grew up in the same neighborhood.

- Oh, is that right?

- In Ottawa, Canada, the suburb.

- So I went behind this Max Milk,

which is like the 7-Eleven here,

but you know Max Milk. - I know Max Milk, yeah.

- Bought a pack of Export A, Green, Export A's.

- Is that the one up on Sheppard Road?

- Yes, on Sheppard.

Oh my God, so you'll be able to picture this perfectly.

So I was behind there, I took a whole pack,

and I smoked the entire pack.

Threw up and said, but I kept smoking,

and I immediately became a chain smoker, like immediately.

And I went back to school, and then everybody liked me.

- Oh yeah.

- It actually worked.

- Yeah, I find that's why I'm starting, actually.

Yeah, trying to make more friends.

- Get more popular?

- Yeah, absolutely.

Looks cool.

- It does look cool, and it gives you something to do.

- Yeah, absolutely.

- Like I find if you're not doing anything,

you're still smoking.

- Yeah.

- You know what I mean?

Like, it's hard to just sit on a chair and not do anything,

but you can sit on a chair and smoke.

- Well, you can look at me, that's what I do.

- What's that?

- I just sit on a chair and don't do anything.

- Hey, what about the news?

- Oh, right, so.

- You know, you're supposed to do the news every time.

- No, I do that best, I like to sit around and talk.

- And then we talk about the news stories.

- You follow it pretty closely, the news?

- The news, I think you follow it more closely

than I follow it.

Every time I read your blog, you're, hey,

what about last night, Dennis Rodman,

I got a narrow, do you watch Celebrity Apprentice anymore?

- Yeah, yeah, I haven't watched much this season,

but I know, did he go back to North Korea?

Did he bring Latoya Jackson over to North Korea?

(laughing)

- It is weird that he's both on the Celebrity Apprentice

and dealing with nuclear genocide.

- Negotiating world peace and harmony

and trying to pull the zone against--

- Don't you find it funny with the news, Tom,

that all of a sudden you read on the front of Yahoo,

North Korea is starting a war with us.

- Yeah. - Out of nowhere.

- They're instigating it.

- Yeah. - They're actually saying--

- And then you just hit another button.

- Yeah, yeah, they're starting it,

they're just gonna start it.

- Is that what's gonna happen, really?

- They're saying they're gonna start it.

- Are they gonna get us?

- It's funny how it all really,

the rhetoric and the vitriol out of North Korea

all started immediately after Dennis Rodman's visit too.

(laughing)

- I guess you're right.

- He went over there to patch everything up

and the next day it's like, America is a boiled pumpkin

waiting to be exploded. - Yeah, yeah.

- So, let's see how his state-making abilities work out.

No, that's good, Dennis Rodman was really cool.

- And then after he said that,

all the starving people in South Korea,

they said, "Boiled pumpkin, that sounds delicious."

- Yeah, bomb it, let's eat it.

(laughing)

If anybody could solve the crises in the world,

I think Rodman could.

- Damn, right, top of the list.

- He was a fun guy, fun with him.

Having on "The Apprentice," the reason I got fired

was 'cause I went out drinking with Dennis Rodman

on the night I was a project manager.

- You didn't wake up, right?

- So, it was suicide though, you did it on purpose.

- Well, I didn't think everybody would know

that I went out drinking with Dennis Rodman all night,

but I overslept my alarm, and then Jesse James

called my hotel room 'cause we had to go sell wedding dresses

in a competition we were having against Joan Rivers.

And Jesse James was really mad at me

'cause I had missed my alarm, and I had to explain

while I went out drinking with Dennis Rodman last night.

But if what Rodman goes through,

what he went through with Kim Jong-un over there,

if they had any sort of similar type of an experience

that I had, I would think that could be something worthy

of bringing our countries together.

It's a good time hanging out with Rodman,

that's all I'm saying.

Obama, Kim Jong-un, Rodman, if they all went out together,

go to Scores in New York or something like that.

That's where Rodman took me, that was fun,

we had a good time.

- You guys had fun over at Scores?

I could see that, Rodman.

- The axis of fun.

- You know, speaking of, you know what happened today?

No, two days ago, two days ago, a drone,

an actual drone flew over my house.

- Really?

- In Los Angeles, a drone.

It looked to me like a skin eagle drone,

which would be a small, unarmed drone,

not like the large predator drone, small drone.

Flew right over my house.

I was standing outside on the deck,

my friend tapped me, pointed, I looked up,

flying right over my head, I reached for my camera,

before I could get the camera,

it went off right behind the tree.

No video evidence, but it actually happened.

- Wow. - Jesus.

- And I just think, what is happening

to this world we're living in now?

We're living in some sort of a surveillance society here.

What do you think of that?

Do you believe me, first of all?

Do you believe me? - I believe you, yes.

- 'Cause a lot of people, when I tell them,

they say, look at me like I'm making it up,

or like it's a joke, it was an actual drone.

- No, because that's a possibility.

No, I believe that we probably should go with it

and just have no privacy.

- Yeah.

- 'Cause I don't think we do have any as it is.

Like, what if we put a chip inside everybody?

How could there be crime?

You put a chip inside every child,

how could a child ever get abducted?

- But don't you wanna have the freedom

to be able to commit the occasional little crime?

(both laughing)

- Have you ever shoplifted?

- When I was younger, I did a couple of times.

- That's an adrenaline rush. - Yeah.

- God damn.

- Shouldn't we as human beings have the freedom

to flirt with a little adrenaline rush

like that once in a while?

As long as nobody gets hurt.

- You know the first time I ever shoplifted,

and this is maybe my proudest moment,

quick, you know, as a quick thinker,

I went to a store, we were like seven or eight years old,

me and my friend Sean Kay and Randy Majorasen, right?

So we called it Hocking at the time.

So I went in and I--

- So they said you gave out their full name

so that cops can know where to go.

- There's a statute of limitations.

- Yes.

- So I went in, I stole my thing,

then Randy Majorasen did, he stole his thing, right?

I stole a candy bar, a coffee crisp.

And anyways, wouldn't you know it,

Sean Kay doesn't steal anything, he cowards out.

So we beat him up, and then the lady

from the shoe store catches us,

and then anyways, Sean Kay goes, he's a big blabbermouth,

he goes and tells his parents, and I get home,

and my dad and mom call me in, and my dad's real mad,

you know, and my dad was a serious guy, you know?

And I was scared, right?

And he's like, I knew I was gonna get a beating.

So I thought quickly, right?

And I was like, no, I bought that coffee crisp,

I said to my dad, I bought it, and I said,

we can go back there right now and ask that lady,

and she'll remember, that's how fast I thought.

So we went back, and I was just telling him,

so we went back and we asked the lady,

and she didn't remember.

But my dad believed me because I was so sure.

- So confident.

- So confident myself.

One of the proudest things I've ever done.

- Great chocolate bar.

- I know, it's really the coffee crisp.

- No, it was that quick thinking, you were able to,

yeah, yeah, there's something about the adrenaline, right?

My friends--

- What, shoplifting?

- Yeah, my friends in school in the eighth grade,

that was the thing, to go up to the mall at lunch.

The Beacon Hill Mall.

- The Beacon Hill Mall, sure.

- To the Zellers.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

Also, when you shoplift, it's fun if you're leaving the store

and you spot the guy spotting you,

and then right before you leave, you just toss it down.

- Nice.

- And you go, ah ha ha, you laugh at the guy.

'Cause they kinda trail you, you know?

- There's nothing they can do with that thing.

- There's nothing they can do.

- You've done a lot of stuff over the years,

like adrenaline-wise, and you've done some stunts,

and you've--

- Oh my God, always.

- No, I don't mean like, you know, no like--

- Daniel thinks that's the lamest segue ever.

- This isn't news, this isn't news.

I genuinely wanna know--

- Yeah, I thought we were doing news, yeah.

- Well, we'll get to that.

- We've talked about all my stuff before, you know?

- Yeah, Tom has been interviewed so many times.

- He was on the cover of the Rolling Stone 20 years ago.

- I remember that, in 2008?

- No.

- Yeah, something like that, yeah.

- So he's been asked every question.

You think he's gonna come up with a new one?

- I heard a story that I had never heard before,

and I thought it was hilarious.

- Is it the slut mobile?

- No, I love the slut mobile.

I've watched that.

- This is a story no one knows?

- I like this.

- I'd never heard it before, and I've seen every episode

of the Tom Green Show.

- Have a conversation here.

- So this was about you and some buddies

were sharing a hotel room, and it involved an adult video,

and you editing, do you remember the story?

Have you told that one a lot?

'Cause I was dying laughing at it, so.

- Who are you, Brian Linehan?

(laughing)

There you go.

There's a coffee crisp.

This is the Canadian inside joke special.

- This'll do very well in Ajax.

For Tom's playing sake.

- It's a funny story.

- Brian Linehan did a lot of research, Canadian interviewer.

Sort of like our Barbara Walters.

- I'm no Brian Linehan, but.

- He was sort of like the James Lipton guy.

- We were driving across the country

in a used Ford Econoline van that we borrowed

off of a kid on the internet who said

that it was his grandfather's van

who'd recently passed away.

Let us take the van to drive across the country.

Had a little video monitor system in it.

We drove from Ottawa, we were trying to drive

from Ottawa to Vancouver.

- Long drive.

- Yeah, by the time we got to Thunder Bay,

we were living in this van.

- Port Huron?

- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

- Port Huron and Port Arthur.

- Yeah, campus casing up in that area.

We would all sleep in the van,

but then once we had in our budget,

once a week we'd get a hotel and we'd shower

and someone would sleep in it.

So it was three guys sleeping in a van.

We were basically on top of each other,

all in our early 20s.

And we started getting very giddy.

We had a lot of adrenaline, excitement,

just 'cause we were filming,

but we also realized after a few days

that we were also giddy 'cause none of us

had been jacking off, basically.

'Cause we'd been sleeping in this van together.

And that was like the first time any of us,

I think, had gone three days without jacking off.

- That's impressive.

- So we get to this hotel.

The guys say they're gonna go get some dinner in town.

I say, "You guys go ahead and get dinner.

"I'm gonna stay in the hotel."

I rented the porn in the hotel.

This was before internet and all that, right?

You know, was there.

So you couldn't watch porn on the internet.

Rented the porn on the TV internet,

set the camera up, filmed the porn on the TV

on our little video tape, on our little Hi8 video tape.

And then when my friends came back from dinner,

I had a little note that said,

"Guys, if you ever need to work off some of the,"

we called it whacker's giddiness.

We were suffering from whacker's giddiness.

If you ever need to work off some of the whacker's giddiness,

take the video monitor, drive out

and do a Wheatfield somewhere,

and put the tape in and do your thing, right?

So the next day, sure enough, the morning comes,

the van's gone, my friend's gone in the van.

And he comes back like maybe half an hour later,

and he's got this sort of angry look on his face,

but he's laughing because he had taken the van out

and put the tape in and started to do his thing.

But what I hadn't told him was like a minute into the tape,

I lean into the camera and I'm like, give him a thumbs up.

Right around the time he would have been blowing his wad.

Right?

So we had a good laugh.

(laughing)

- You told the story on the Tonight Show.

- Did I really?

I don't think I have.

How did you know that story?

- A friend told me.

- Yeah.

It's weird that those stories get around.

Kind of disgusting that people

are talking about that actually.

- I love the idea of an aging wheat farmer

going through his crops.

- Yeah, find some guy beaten off in a van.

Lucky we weren't arrested.

We were never arrested for that stuff.

- You taped like you would get a bootleg copy of a movie

in Times Square.

This was like a tape of a porno that you had taped.

That's very clever.

- We were bootlegging.

- Bootlegging.

- See, even then, ahead of your time.

Always ahead of your time.

Always.

- I don't know.

- This guy loves you.

- Well.

- This is cool.

So the news, we're gonna talk about the news.

- That's what I thought.

- So we have business news.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg

is facing a $1 billion tax bill this year.

Now that's--

- Is a billion dollars in taxes?

- Tax.

That's a lot of money.

- Good problem to have, right Tom?

- That's not bad.

- God damn.

- Absolutely.

A billion dollars.

- A billion dollars.

That's more than my dad made in his lifetime.

- Yeah.

(laughing)

- Unbelievable.

This guy's carping about that.

How old is this guy?

- I don't know.

I think he's in his mid 20s maybe.

- God damn.

- And most of these, I think I feel these rich kids

are unknown.

- Yeah.

- You know what I mean?

Like he's known 'cause of that movie.

- Yeah.

- But I think most of them.

I think that these are super billionaire guys

keep themselves unknown so we don't find out

and go to their house.

- Oh yeah.

He's probably not the real,

you know, he's just sort of like the,

you know, there's much bigger billionaires.

- You think there's bigger guys?

- Oh, I think there's, yeah,

they're living on an island somewhere.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- They're just running everything.

- 'Cause when you hear about it,

how much money the richest guys have,

nobody, I mean, I know Sandler,

he doesn't have nearly that much money.

You know what I mean?

And he's the richest guy and he's super rich.

- If you had, you know,

you probably don't wanna make a big show.

- No.

- Yeah, they probably have the cure for cancer.

They're probably selling all the, you know,

all the drugs that were all taken,

all the drugs they're selling, all that stuff.

They got all the cures.

They're living on an island.

- Oh yeah.

Well, those are the motherfuckers

that fucking introduced crack

into my neighborhood last month.

- You have a crack problem?

- Well, now I do 'cause those fuckers,

those fuckers introduced crack into the neighborhood.

- Really?

- And what they don't tell you about crack is,

God damn, it's good.

- Yeah.

Where in your neighborhood there's a crack?

- Yeah, it's huge crack problem.

- So you can just step out the front door now

and there's a crack readily available now?

- Well, I sell it.

- Yeah.

- But I'm using so much of it now.

- Yeah.

- But I'm still getting fat.

- Yeah, well.

- I don't quite understand.

- How is that even possible?

- I don't know.

- I was gonna ask you that.

- I have to talk to a gastroenterologist.

- You don't have any now, do you?

Any crack now?

- Oh no, I don't know.

- You smoke it all.

- After you do it for a while, you do not share.

- Yeah.

(laughing)

- I learned that one the hard way.

- You go, I'm out, I'm out.

But meanwhile, you're not out

and you do everyone else's crack with them

and then you sneak off into the bathroom,

do your own crack.

- Right, yeah, just good idea.

- Morphine's good too.

There's one called crocodile.

Have you ever heard of crocodile?

- No, I haven't.

In international news,

the experts are now saying that Kim Jong-un

is not actually capable of reaching middle America,

but that he's actually just trying to scare his own country

and make them ready for war.

- Okay, you know what?

We should go away then.

When we come back, Tom, we're gonna get people from the,

remember your show?

- Yeah, oh yeah, oh good, really?

You take calls live?

- Oh yeah, nice, I love that.

- Call live for Tom Green.

- Oh good, yeah, absolutely.

- So if you got a call for Tom Green, call in right now.

- Absolutely, we'll see you guys.

- 10 people waiting to call me a douchebag.

We have returned to Norm Macdonald Live

on the Video Podcast Network

where we have the great Tom Green as our guest.

We couldn't be happier.

And we're gonna take calls from you, the viewer.

- Nice, that's amazing.

- Yeah, it's gonna be great.

- How does that work?

- Basically, the questions are gonna come up

on the screen here and I'm gonna prompt you,

you're gonna read the question.

It'll be for--

- Do we see them as well?

- Well yeah, I believe it'll--

- Well there's one video caller.

- Video?

- Our comments from Twitter and YouTube.

- Okay.

- So we're gonna have one video caller.

- Okay, well come on, do it man.

- Yeah, absolutely.

Well, the first question,

let's go to that first question, shall we?

- Question for Tom Green.

- Okay, this is cool.

Oh, there we go.

- Norm, well this should be for Tom Green.

What do you think about your new spiffy set?

- Well that's what I was wondering actually,

'cause I watched your first episode from last week.

- It was all weird, right?

- But the set was different, y'all already changed the set?

- Yeah, we changed it.

- There was clocks and everything.

- Yeah, that guy mentioned it earlier.

- Daniel said this will make it funny.

- Yeah.

Why was the decision to change the set

based on a comment from a viewer?

- Yeah, the comment earlier.

He thought the clocks were distracting.

- But you know, I always--

- Changed the whole thing 'cause of one comment?

- I noticed on talk shows when they panic,

they change the set.

- Yeah, but after the very first episode?

- Yeah, usually, no.

But I did the Pat Sajak show, it was years ago.

Every time I went, I'd walk through the curtain,

it'd be a different thing.

And then, first it was a traditional set,

next time it was a round table.

And there'd be like 30 people in the audience.

He couldn't even draw at the end of the time.

But he was a great man, Pat Sajak, and I loved him.

- So what was the reason then to change to this?

Was there actually a reason to change the clocks?

- I think it was blind panic on the part of Adam Egret.

- But why was there panic?

It was a great first episode.

- Well, if you read some of the comments,

I mean, they weren't all about me being a douchebag.

It was 99% I'm a douchebag and have a face looks

on your content. - That's the first thing,

though, that you gotta understand about.

- And then 1%.

- If I can say anything, if I can interject here

and say anything about having been on the internet for years.

- Basically on this show, you have to interject

with this fucker.

- Yeah, if I could just interject briefly here.

No, but don't, you can't let the trolls run your life, man.

They're gonna say something.

The better you are on this show,

the worse they're gonna come down on you.

- Right.

- It's jealousy.

- That's very true.

And if you learned how to interview,

he wouldn't have to fucking interject.

- That's true, that's true.

I'm gonna call Glenn Humpelink after the show

and I gotta get some advice on sidekicking.

- Yeah, but if someone calls, emails,

and some troll could say, "Hey, we like the clocks better."

Will the clocks be back next week?

- Oh yeah, absolutely, they'll be back.

- That'd be pretty funny.

You could have some pretty fun with you guys.

- I think this is a good idea.

We should do that, actually.

- Let's do another question.

- Oh, we got another question.

- Is that the only question?

- Oh, here we go.

- There's a troll right there.

That is a--

- Can Tom do a barrel roll?

- That is an internet troll right there.

That was one of my trolls.

When we had the phone in on my show

and a group of merry pranksters out there

decided it would be fun to flood our phone system

with people only asking my guests to do a barrel roll.

Which became quite frustrating

'cause we just wanted to have a nice conversation.

- I was asked that once on Tom's show.

- Is that right?

- Yeah.

- I mean, a great percentage of your callers were trollers.

But I think it was because of you.

- Yeah.

- You are also a troll.

- I used to call in to CFRA into the Lowell Green show

and prank the show on the local radio station

when I was a kid.

- Lowell Green was you love to hate him kind of guy.

- Oh, right.

- And I'd just call in, I'd skip school sometimes

so I could call in, leave a stupid comment

and record it on an audio cassette

and then play it back for all my friends.

And so when I started the web show,

I thought, well, I gotta give the youth of today

on the internet the opportunity to call in

and say something really stupid

to one of my guests or whatever.

- You're paying bad.

- But now they're still following me here.

- Yeah, look at that.

- I actually now--

- So don't reward them, go to the next one.

- It's an interesting thing about trolling and memes,

that's called a meme is what it is.

You know, when I'm traveling around doing standup now,

occasionally people will come up to me on the street

and ask me to do a barrel roll.

- Is that right?

- That's just a little thing that people have really

kind of latched onto in my world.

- How do you deal with that on the street?

You just--

- No, you just go, oh yeah, you're talking about that thing.

It's just a thing.

- Oh, okay.

- How do you think it deals with it?

- I don't know.

- All right, go to the next one.

- Yeah, let's go to the next question.

Norm, did you ever worry that dirty work was too good?

- I don't know, I don't know what these questions mean.

Is there another one?

I thought we had a person's face.

- Let's go to the next one.

When is the Golf Channel going to invite you

as a color commentator?

- I don't know what these questions mean.

- They're asking you.

- Well, we have a live caller.

- Yeah, let's go to the live caller then.

- 'Cause I don't understand these questions.

- Have you ever thought of doing color commentary

on the Golf Channel?

- No.

- You would be great at that.

- Yeah, he would be great.

- You know everything there is, every little detail.

- I do know a lot about that.

- I've seen the Twitter.

- Oh, here's the person.

- There we go.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Where are we looking?

- We're looking right here, man.

It's a dude.

This reminds me of your place when you did this.

- Look at that.

- Hey, how's it going?

Can you guys hear me?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, you hear me perfect.

- They always said at my place too, and then you'd spend

about a minute trying to figure out if it was working.

And then by the time you figured out it was working,

you'd realize that the guy calling didn't really have much

to say, and then you'd hang up on him.

- Oh, I'm sorry, don't hang up on me.

No, no, no.

- We're all from Ottawa, actually.

We all in that area.

So when you guys were talking about the Max Milk,

it's like a hasty Martina.

- Yeah, absolutely.

- So my question, Tom, for you was I saw your standup act

and you had a joke about Neil Armstrong,

how he wasn't on Oprah.

Now, was that because the astronauts were conditioned

that if they were asked questions about the moon,

they would feel pain?

Or like, was maybe the moon landing fate?

Was Stanley Kubrick have a hand in that?

I mean, the shining could be, you know,

there's a bunch of hits in that, so I'm just.

- Interesting that you saw me talk about that,

'cause you must have seen that live somewhere in Ottawa.

- Center point, actually, I saw both you guys

at center point.

- Yeah, well, I--

- Oh, at center point, in the pin.

- Yeah, I was just posing a question.

I remember I talked about that once.

Why was Neil Armstrong never on Oprah?

Seems a little suspicious.

Maybe we never put a man on the moon.

- Oh, I see.

- That's all I'm saying.

- I mean, they had two billion people watching TV.

Do you think that could have been like a propaganda?

And do you think they could have used that same technique

for different events?

- Well, if you're asking me seriously,

if I believe that the moon landing is real,

I do believe that we put a man on the moon.

I don't think that that is--

- No, of course.

- That is a fake thing at all.

So what's the question?

- Well, is the moon landing that we saw different

from people going to the moon?

Like, I'm not saying, like, I think,

I'm the same way as you, I think we've been to the moon.

I just don't think the moon landing was what it was shown

to us, I mean, do you think--

- No, I think it was exactly what they showed us.

JFK assassination, that's a whole other thing.

- Yeah, that's different.

That's a guy getting shot in the head.

- Yeah.

- One guy lands on the moon.

- You just eat Philip and Tom magazine.

- Yeah.

- Another guy gets murdered in the car.

- Wanna talk about conspiracy theories?

That seems a little fishy to me.

- But you have a weird conspiracy theory.

You think it's suicide, you told me.

- Yeah.

- That was odd.

- Yeah.

- I've never heard that one.

- I have yet to hear that one.

I've heard many conspiracy theories about JFK.

- Yeah, it's sort of an elaborate theory.

- Oh, sure.

- It's highly orchestrated suicide.

- Absolutely.

- But you do enough crack and you listen to this guy,

it starts making sense.

- You keep using it all.

- Well, we're gonna come back and we have jokes.

I have a whole bunch of them.

- You got plenty of jokes.

- When we come back, we'll read some jokes.

- Oh, great, cool, we are.

- We're back and we're gonna do some jokes.

You like jokes?

- Yeah, sure.

- All right, we're just gonna do them here.

This Easter Sunday, here, you wanna read this one, Tom?

- Yeah.

- This seems like more of your kind of joke.

You can glue it in the camera if you want,

whatever you wanna do.

This Easter Sunday, Snoop Dog gets to say,

"Christ is resizened."

(laughing)

- You wanna do a joke?

- Sure.

- This is going into the camera.

- We wear new clothes on Easter to represent

Christ's triumphant appearance to the stunned apostles

in his sharp two-button blazer by Hugo Boss.

- Oh, what the fuck?

(laughing)

- I don't know about that one.

The guy who did the voice of Charlie Brown,

he was arrested for stalking his girlfriend this week.

He also said the next time Lucy grabs away the football,

he's gonna cut that bitch.

(laughing)

- You wanna read one?

- Yeah.

President Obama continues to shamelessly wage class warfare.

Today he announced a steep new tax on shiny top hats.

(laughing)

- Here you go.

- No, you read that one.

- No, go on.

It's looking like ham.

- Some folks say, some folks say,

"What this country needs is a good five-cent cigar."

I'm guessing they're opposing Obamacare.

Give me the shitty fucking shirt.

I'm gonna butcher them anyway.

- You might as well.

- I don't know if this counts as an NCAA Cinderella story,

but one of the Marquette players said he had helped

making his uniform from a bunch of singing mice and birds.

(laughing)

I think this is perfect for Tom Green.

Tom Green just reading ahead.

- I read a story, a 17-year-old kid

who stole a plane, crashed it, and survived.

Why don't we make the whole plane out of that kid?

That seems logical.

- That makes sense, right?

Here you go.

I haven't made it.

- Warning to the Easter Bunny,

don't put all your eggs in one basket, fella.

You hand-picked these.

- I do feel like I'm getting the good ones here.

- They say the world's a smaller place than it used to be,

but I think that's an optical illusion

based on me becoming a big fat guy.

Here's one that's good for you.

- Growing up, I never would have believed

that one day I'd need a computer just to masturbate.

- It is strange when you think about it.

- Unbelievable.

- Remember, you used to need nothing like that.

- The Sears catalog.

- Sears catalog, maybe.

- National Geographic.

- Exactly.

- A van in the woods.

- And sometimes you go,

"Why am I looking at the bra section of Sears catalog?

"I'm not in the market for a bra."

Here you go, try a joke.

- My parents wondered why those were always piled up

in my room, the brassiere section.

- Yes.

- Rolled up into balls under the bed.

Soggy balls of paper.

Soggy balls of newsprint lying around the house.

- Speaking of balls,

John Hamm has a big dick.

Oh no, John Hamm has a big dick.

I could have told you that, but I don't suck and tell.

- Okay.

A Swedish Bond girl, Britt Eklund,

told Piers Morgan this week

that she was seduced by Warren Beatty

after the legendary Lothario

took her to an X-rated movie for their first date.

This is what I have to say about that.

Hey, Warren, stop stealing my moves.

- That's my favorite this week.

- Unbelievable.

Oh, I think you'll like this one.

I'm giving Tom the best ones.

- That is your move, by the way.

- Thank you.

Thomas Edison invented the light bulb,

but I invented the light bulb up my ass.

- Almost ahead of his time.

- Oh, come on, man.

Come on, it's fun doing jokes.

It's the delivery, you're getting better.

- Octomom is facing jail time for committing welfare fraud.

Who didn't see that one coming?

I mean, seriously, a single mother of eight.

- Is that even a joke?

- You're a joke, fucker.

- I am not a big fan of video games

where you cannot kill a prostitute.

I like the ones where--

- Oh, like Grand Theft Auto.

- Yes.

(laughing)

- That was the hook for that game.

That's really what people--

- It was.

- Got excited about.

- That's really good.

- Inevitably, somebody would always say,

"You know what the great thing is?

"You can drive down this alley and you can kill a prostitute."

- That was the thing people talked about most of that game.

- That's why that game took off.

- I agree.

- Isn't that strange?

- Yeah.

- What a--

- We are a messed up society.

- Oh, this is perfect for you.

(laughing)

- I don't know if my mom would've let me.

- I'm not gonna lie to you.

(laughing)

- No, no, no, that's not what it means.

You're just thinking of the Canadian translation of it.

- What is the Canadian translation?

- Of that.

That's not a mother.

- No, what's your old lady in Canada?

- Your old lady?

No, in America, your old lady is like your girlfriend.

- Well, I definitely can't read it now.

- Okay.

(laughing)

You can read it.

- The thing I miss most about the '70s is rolling a number

and giving my old lady some head.

- You fucking hate out your mother?

- No, no, no, no, I'm not my old lady.

- Shit, I guess it does kind of--

- That's what I thought.

That's why I passed the card to you.

- Fuck.

Celebrating April 1st, birthday is,

this is a sort of news thing,

Russian pianist Sergei Rachmaninoff,

who was born on this day in 1872.

- Yeah, I know that dude.

- Rapper Method Man is 41.

Debbie Reynolds turns 80 today.

Rachel Maddow is 39.

And former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt

would have been 95 today.

April Fools, former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt

is alive and well.

(laughing)

We gotta do an April Fools, right?

(laughing)

Oh my God, Tom.

(laughing)

What about this one, Tom?

- I love Lou Gehrig,

but I'm not gonna stand up in front of a million people

and brag that I'm the luckiest man in the world

because some doctor's named a disease after me.

Confidence is one thing,

but arrogance is the worst disease of them all.

- I agree with that.

- I also agree with that.

It's funny and true.

One day in the hopefully not too distant future,

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un

is going to hear a loud popping sound.

The sound of his head coming out of his own ass.

(laughing)

A Miami, Florida pimp is in custody

after forcing a 13 year old prostitute

to have his name tattooed on her eyelids

when she threatened to run away from him.

Roman Thomas III faces charges of human trafficking,

false imprisonment, lewd and lascivious exhibition,

and delivery of a controlled substance to a child.

You know, I know the scriptures say,

"Judge not lest ye be judged."

But you know, I'm just gonna come out and say it.

This Roman Thomas III guy, this guy's a real jerk.

(laughing)

- It's fun doing jokes.

- Yeah.

- For you.

- I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold,

but then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

(laughing)

- I like that one, here you go.

Let's do it funny.

- This one's like two pages long and cut off at the end.

- Come on, man.

Do your best, give it your best.

- It's not even complete.

- Give it your best shot, man.

- Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan

had a cameo on anger management last week

and managed to shock the cast and crew

by showing up on time and even early.

Later in the week, the Mean Girls actress

was looking decidedly chipper

as she posed on the red carpet

at a clothing store launch in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Perhaps Lindsay is getting a jump start

on her upcoming mandatory 90 day rehab

or maybe bartenders are just asking her

to land someplace else knowing the way liquor

cuts off.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

Okay.

- It cuts off, really?

- Trying to help him out.

- I forgot how the end went.

- Hey.

- It cut off.

- Hey is the most important part usually.

- Tell the guy to put it on the fucking card.

- Hey news media, leave Kim Kardashian alone, will ya?

She's pregnant, of course she's gonna gain weight.

And if anyone knows about rapid weight gain, it's me.

You know, I went to see the doctor about it

and he told me to open my mouth and say oink.

I thought that was a lot of lying, Tom.

Here's a historical one for Tom Green.

I think enough time has passed since 1947

where I can safely admit it.

I wish I was the guy who finally wiped

that annoying smirk off the black Dahlia's face.

- Oh here's the rest of that joke.

That a bigot, finishing off the joke.

- Makes her fly.

Note, you know I can understand why someone

in show business would want to drink liquor

to soothe and steady her nerves.

Why some people I know that I drink liquor

and get so steady they can't even move.

- Oh my God.

Okay, let's get back to Tom.

- You wrote all these in our work.

You write, you set up and write all these?

Music is the universal language,

but one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

- Yeah. - That's right.

- I feel the same way about slaves

as I do about shirts with flame patterns on them.

I don't want to be friends with anyone

who owns either of them.

- Another funny and true one.

- It is a good one. - Okay.

Mickey Mantle knew two things,

drinking and playing drunk baseball.

- Well this is the one that you said

you specifically liked.

- Why doesn't Applebee's call their appetizers Appletizers?

And why doesn't that waitress I met at TGI Friday's

ever call me back?

- He said he liked it.

- I kind of did like that one.

- This administration is cutting back drastically

on military spending, but doesn't think

our defense capabilities will be compromised?

How so, I'll tell you how so, Groupons.

(laughing)

- Remember Groupons? - Yeah, absolutely.

- Remember Groupons.

- Here's one you'll like, I think you'll like this one.

- A worldwide scientific study confirms

a long-held suspicion.

No one anywhere likes drum circles.

That is some wild stuff.

- That was pretty good. - That was really good.

- That was wild.

- That was a pretty good impression.

Oh here you go.

- I realize now I should have been reading them all

with that voice.

(laughing)

- Fucking asshole.

- Adam Egan with a joke.

- Justin Bieber's monkey has been quarantined,

which reminds us how far we've come

since headlines about Pearl Harbor and D-Day.

You literally handed me every joke I did.

- That was more of a comment.

In the coffee shop line today, I hear the guy behind me say,

I like to start by biting the ears off,

and I had to pray, please God, let him be talking

about a chocolate Easter bunny.

Oh, okay.

Now this one you said you loved too, so.

You can't say you didn't say you loved these jokes.

- This one I did.

I think you should do this one.

- No, no, no, you loved it.

- I'm gonna butcher it.

This one deserves your--

- Nah, come on man, you love these jokes.

You do these, I'm gonna give you the three last jokes.

- No, no, no, I'm not doing three.

- Come on, man.

- All right, all right, all right.

Earlier this week, Aaron Jackson of Topeka, Kansas,

painted his house the colors of the Gay Pride Rainbow flag

in direct protest of the Westboro Baptist Church.

When that didn't seem to work,

Jackson fucked three of his best buds on his front lawn.

- Homophobic.

- Yeah.

- Well, no, I think it shows solidarity.

- I mean, earlier he was racist,

and now he's homophobic.

- I think it is, I think it shows solidarity.

All right, this next one, that's funny.

- What are you afraid of?

- It's almost like it's a test, like if you laugh,

then you're an asshole or something like that.

- Right, exactly.

If you laugh at him?

- Yeah, at that joke, at that particular joke.

Take a test, you're testing him.

- It's always a test with this fucker.

But what's the next one?

- This next one here, it says,

"Chipotle has canceled its planned sponsorship

"of the Utah Boy Scout event

"due to the BSA's ban on gay leaders and scouts.

"Ironic how an all-male anti-gay organization

"would want to put hot, thick loads of beef

"and sour cream in their mouth."

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, we get the idea.

You hate gay guys, let's just do the last one.

Jesus Christ.

- This one, it's, "Former Tennessee Titans cheerleader

"Elizabeth Lee Garner, 42, is accused of pulling

"a 12-year-old boy's pants off and offering a moral sex.

"The boy refused her advances, not because he was 12,

"but because he was a diehard Colts fan."

- This is what I have to work with, you know?

I mean, we're gonna get in trouble for this kind of stuff.

- Yeah, I mean, you know.

- I mean, I thought they were.

- I mean, you know what I mean?

Gay people, this is the, it's funny,

when I see, like on TV, a guy,

I just go, "How out of touch are you?"

Not him, but him too, but I mean, you know what I mean?

Like some governor will go, "I'm against gays."

You go, "What?"

Like, just pretend you're not against them.

Like, don't you understand?

- Yeah, what do you think about this whole controversy

with Jim Carrey and his cold, dead hand,

Charlton Heston video that he did for Funny or Die

and his railing against Fox News and the national gun debate?

No, we don't have to talk about that.

- Well, I mean, I think that Jim Carrey,

I don't know, you know,

I think he's the funniest guy ever, Jim Carrey.

But I don't really know the story,

but I know they came after him real hard, right?

- Yeah, they're coming after him hard right now,

and it's weird watching them go after Jim Carrey,

'cause it's like, sort of seems like what he said

sort of makes some certain amount of sense, right?

- Well, kind of.

- What did he say?

I don't know, I didn't see the video.

- Right, so he's just railing on Fox News right now,

and Greg Gutfeld went online today,

and was railing back at Jim Carrey,

and there's this whole war between Greg Gutfeld

and Jim Carrey, and it's just--

- See, Tom knows all the internet news.

- It's upsetting to me.

- Yeah, that's what I should know.

- You know, these things can spiral though,

these little video moments, these clips.

- I should have--

- It's on the internet now,

everything you say here is on the internet.

- Tom is absolutely right, I really should have,

I should have considered that

before choosing some of these jokes.

- Gay people are just like me and you.

- I know.

- How many times do I have to tell you that?

- Well, you tell me that all day,

how I'm just like all the gay people.

- Gay people are the same as everybody.

- No, you mean, you always tell me specifically

how I'm, maybe you're just,

I think you're just calling me gay.

It's one of the--

- It's not an insult.

- No! - He thinks it's an insult.

- No, I didn't mean it to--

- Why would being gay be an insult?

- Yeah.

- I love gay people.

- Yeah, I know.

- I think that's the end of the show.

(laughing)

- Listen, man, we wanna thank Tom Green

for being here with us, it was awesome.

- This was amazing.

- Tom?

- This was exciting.

- I can't believe you were actually my guest.

- Oh, man, it was a true honor to be here

in your first week of shows.

- Absolutely.

- And to tell some jokes with you was really--

- The jokes were fun.

- A lifelong dream for me, thanks a lot, Norm, for having me.

- I like that the guest doesn't have to think up funny stuff,

you just hand him a joke.

- Yeah, I know, it's much easier, absolutely.

Very accommodating of you.

- Now, Tom, where are you gonna be?

Are you on the road still?

- Yeah, I'm going, oh yeah, we're live.

So I'm going to Winnipeg, Winnipeg, Canada,

this coming weekend, then I'm gonna be in Wisconsin,

Appleton. - Rumors.

- Rumors in Winnipeg, then I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin,

then I'm going to Toronto area to Ajax,

and then I'm going to New Zealand.

You're worldwide, right?

I'll be in New Zealand for a few weeks.

- That's so cool.

- Fantastic. - That's great.

- So catch him, if you ever have a chance

to see Tom Green live in a standup situation,

he's fantastic, you gotta watch him.

All right.

- Also, tune in next week on Monday, every Monday, 6 p.m.,

to the Video Podcast Network,

and I don't think we have our guest next week,

but stay tuned for that, and rate and review us on iTunes,

and also check out my good friend Don Barris

and the Big Three Podcast,

also on the Video Podcast Network.

- Amazing, and my podcast as well.

- Yeah, and Tom of course. - On iTunes.

Tom Green Radio, it's called.

- I thought he was gonna say that.

- Yeah, Tom Green Radio. - I apologize.

- Yeah, it's okay.

- See you next week.

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