Norm Macdonald Live (2013–2017): Season 1, Episode 10 - Andy Dick - full transcript

Norm and Adam welcome comedian Andy Dick to the show.

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Welcome to Norm Macdonald Live, our guest tonight,

the always controversial and hysterically funny, Andy Dick.

And we will be talking to Andy momentarily,



but first, my opening remarks

with my trusty sidekick, Adam Egan.

(paper rustling)

Where's Adam Egan?

Well, this is odd folks, and I must say bewildering to me

when I usually look two degrees to my right,

who do I see but my trusty sidekick Adam Egan?

Well, tonight, no such luck.

Wouldn't you know it, huh?

Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later.

Well, I'm sure he'll be here any second now.

It's live.

I know what I'll do, what I always do.

When I'm in trouble, I read the newspaper.



Maybe we'll find out something interesting.

Oh, I know what I'll do.

I'll read the obituaries.

At my age, I'm always refreshing

to find out that I'm not in them.

It's a joke Milton Berle used to do.

So, as usual, the bard of Avon William Shakespeare

summed it up best when he wrote, "Life has been

a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets

his hour upon the stage and is heard no more."

Well, let us hear then from some of this month's

most notably deceased strutters and fretters.

See who we got here.

Ah, Margaret Thatcher, yes, the Iron Lady.

She passed over a month ago, but here she is

still in the New York Times obituaries.

But I think if you were to open that coffin,

you'd find out pretty quickly that she was not made of iron.

I don't know if you've ever dug up a month old corpse,

but I haven't.

I needed the money.

I couldn't sell my blood at the time,

or ever, 'cause I have Hep C.

But, you know, I didn't have the money,

and I wasn't like some people I know

who use to jerk off punks for $10 a man.

God damn it, it didn't work, I miss Adam Eegis.

Oh no, Jesus Christ, Captain Steve.

Captain Steve died 16 years old, beautiful kid.

Captain Steve, he won the Dubai World Cup.

Captain Steve, dead of heart failure.

Huh, wait a minute.

Oh, Captain Steve's a fucking horse.

And last but not least, George Jones.

You know, I wish the possum was playing possum.

But I guess the good Lord wanted to hear a little pickin'

and the finest voice in the history of country music

for his own self.

And I guess he knew George had a habit of being late

or even missing shows completely.

So God made sure to get him up there to heaven on time

by giving him a good old case of respiratory failure,

it says here.

George Jones, I feel tears welling up inside me

'cause the race is over and we'll miss you, my friend.

George Jones, he was called the possum.

You know why that is?

Because he looked exactly like a possum.

Well, no one else is dead.

Where the hell is the...

He wouldn't be with Andy Dick, would he?

Wait a minute here.

Adam Eegis is a dirty, filthy alcoholic.

(paper crinkling)

And Andy Dick is clean and sober.

I gotta go find out what's going on here.

I'll get to the bottom of this, come on.

Where's Brent?

Brent, listen. - Norm.

- Where is my trusty sidekick, Adam Egan?

Have you seen him?

- The last I saw him, he was in the bathroom with Andy Dick.

- In the bathroom with Andy Dick!

In the bathroom with Andy Dick!

That's the worst possible news, come on.

Jeez, when you ask where a person is,

the last thing you wanna hear

is he's in the bathroom with Andy Dick.

Let's find out.

Hey guys, listen, I know what's going on in there.

You're sucking each other's hot cocks

and you're doing cocaine.

- Norm!

- Yes, Norm, let me in.

- Let's go. - Let me in.

I know what's going on.

You're eating each other's delicious assholes.

- What? - Huh?

Oh, oh, well, look at this.

What a lovely image of Andy Dick.

I didn't know you painted.

- Thanks.

- Thank you.

I make a beautiful subject, don't I?

- Yes, you actually do.

Well, well, wait a minute, Andy, why are you naked?

- Yeah, Andy, why are you naked?

- I think the more important question

is why are you guys not naked?

- Well, wait a minute, that's a least important question.

That's not an important question at all.

- I would agree.

- Okay, listen, we gotta start the show.

We gotta get out of here, come on.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, paint this real quick.

Paint this.

- What?

We've got no time for that.

Come on, Adam.

- He likes it.

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(upbeat music)

- We're back.

That was Andy Digby you just saw dancing

with Sharna Burgess.

That was your dancing partner.

- Yes, she's new.

- Is she is?

- She was in the troupe.

She's new to dancing with stars.

- Yeah, well, you were the last star on that show.

I don't know the rest of the people.

It seems, you know what I mean?

This was-- - I know what you mean.

Well, you know, the other people are like,

there's a football celebrity.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I would know that. - I would know her football.

- Well, you know Jacoby.

- Is he still in it?

- He made it all the way to the end,

all the way to the final four.

But you know, he's the one that ran from one end zone

to the other end zone in the Super Bowl.

- Oh yes, yes, he ran 110 yards.

- Yeah.

- Now--

- Can I tell you something?

They picked that song for me because of the line.

That's weird that they played that.

I did not pick that.

One of your producers picked that.

But I like that 'cause they show my hip moves.

I got some moves.

And the line in there,

"I've done some foolish things that I didn't."

I mean, they always tried to play into my,

like, alcoholism in my life.

- Oh, I didn't get that.

I didn't hear that. - Yeah, I know.

Yeah, it's hard to hear.

- Yeah.

- But that is why. - I mean, not just now.

I watched you on the show every week.

'Cause I had actually had a bet--

- You did?

- Yeah, I had a bet that you would win.

I had a bet that you would win.

- It's true.

- You did?

You would have won a lot of money if you put money on it.

- You were on a long show?

- I was the dark horse, I think it's called, in Vegas.

- You were?

- Oh, yeah.

- But I said, "Well, he's a physical comic.

"He'll definitely be able to dance,

"and he's in very good shape."

- The minute you put money on it,

that was the second I knew.

And Andy doesn't have a chance.

- No, I didn't bet in Vegas.

- This guy's never won a bet in his life.

- Yeah, I know, I win a lot.

But I didn't know.

You were the dark horse?

- Yeah, every week.

You know how many weeks I made it?

- Eight.

- Yeah, seven.

'Cause the first week they didn't have a,

nobody got voted off.

- Right.

- So, yeah.

- And then a couple times you were like,

- Close, ooh.

The music gets crazy, and the lights go dark,

and they wait forever.

- Yeah.

- And Andy and Sharna, you are

safe.

- Yeah.

- It's like they try so hard.

- Yeah, that big one.

That's what Tom Bergeron does.

(laughing)

- Do you like him?

Do you like him?

- Yeah, I like him.

He's like a modern, he's like Ryan Seacrest.

- It's like when,

my favorite of all of the hosts of these types of shows

is,

- What's his name?

- Is the host of Deal or No Deal, Howie.

- Oh, Howie.

- Isn't he?

Most amazing.

Even though he's a comedian, he does it.

And we will, and I'm gonna tell you that you are

in a moment.

- Yeah, and it still gets us every week.

- Every time.

- Every week.

Now when you're with the girl,

it must be very hard not to like be physically attracted

to her during the training sessions.

How does that go?

- Well, first of all, she's the hottest one.

- Yeah, she's incredibly hot.

- She's the hottest one in the troupe.

- Is she single?

- In the company.

She's not single.

She has a boyfriend.

- That's who that bothered you.

- Never stopped me.

Her boyfriend's awesome and her boyfriend

is a famous choreographer.

- Yeah.

- And she's small.

- If she wouldn't invite you, maybe he would.

(laughing)

- Try to get them both together.

They're both great.

- But do you have, you have to have sexual chemistry

to dance together in the first place.

- I wouldn't be a man with manly parts

if I didn't have feelings.

I started getting feelings.

I mean, very first time we were put together,

she had to keep saying to me, "You feel this part of you?"

My pelvis and mine, they have to be touching.

She had to explain it to me.

And so, 'cause when we first started dancing,

I was holding her, 'cause our first thing was what?

A foxtrot and it was in hold and with your frame.

And we have to have our knobby parts.

That's what Len calls them, knobbly or not.

- The foxtrot.

- No, Len has it in English.

- The foxtrot is a, I can't do it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You should do James' face.

But I was dancing with her like a 13-year-old at a dance.

Like I didn't wanna touch my penis to her.

It was, "You're not supposed to."

- Right, you're not supposed to in regular life.

- You're not supposed to.

Put a few drinks in me and his lawsuits go up.

- Were you a good dancer before you started doing the show

or did you have to train extensively prior to the first?

- Extensively.

Like I, oh God.

I thought because when I was 15, I took a tap lesson.

That I had this thing.

- I just thought of a good show.

Fucking with the stars.

- Now that I would win.

- Who would not watch that?

- Right to the top.

- I would watch that.

- You get a fucking?

You're probably good at fucking.

- Yeah.

I mean, that was like fucking the air.

You can say fucking, but I'm like, oh, okay.

I was saying knobby parts, just trying to be nice.

So yeah, that was what I mean.

That hip action, I was trying to get very sexual

during my dances just to show people.

- I never opened up about my own sexuality,

but I will right now.

I'm bad at whacking off.

- What?

Bad at it?

- Yeah.

- How could you be mad?

- I know, you would think it would be easy.

It would be fortunate.

- You cannot make yourself calm?

- Oh, I can, but at the wrong times.

I didn't even know about lotion.

- Oh, till when?

- Till somebody that was intimate with me said,

what are all those big red scabs on you?

(laughing)

And I was like, that's from my fucking furious whacking off.

- Well, when was this?

How many years ago?

- I used like gloves.

- What kind of gloves?

- Sandpaper.

No, look, I'm not good at sex.

- No, at all?

- No, nothing.

- It doesn't interest you.

- That's the reason.

- Yeah.

- You gotta be interested in something.

This is my move.

- First of all, I'm not good at getting ladies.

- Because you don't care.

- Yeah, so I'll try to, like I try to make it fast.

Like if I see a girl drinking at a bar, right?

I'll go up behind her, I'll go, I can get us a bottle.

And then in the work room, very often.

But sometimes it does.

- You just wanna get right.

- Yeah, I wanna get right.

Then I get the lady, I turn off all the lights in the room,

so it's pitch black.

And then I lay down on top of her for five, 10 minutes.

And I don't get a lot of return people.

- That doesn't go.

- No, but you remind me of a guy that's good at fucking.

- I love it.

- Fucking and sucking.

(laughing)

How about this for a joke?

This is a joke.

This is my, you wanna hear my dad's favorite joke?

- Yeah.

- He says, he was from the farm, you know?

And he says, a guy comes from the city,

city slicker comes and he buys a farm

and the farmer next door comes over to him and says,

hey now, would you like to come over to my house tonight?

We're gonna have a big shindig for you

because we're neighborly here.

And the city guy said, well, this is something

that I really like, that this is why I moved to the farm

to have things like this.

Guy says, it'll be a hell of a big party.

He goes, it'll be a little drinking,

a little fighting, a little fucking.

And the city guy goes, well, that sounds good.

What time should I be here?

And the farmer goes, anytime you like, just the two of us.

(laughing)

So they would drink, then get in a fight.

- Then fuck.

(laughing)

It's your dad's favorite joke.

- That was my dad's favorite joke.

And he also believed that, this is a true story.

When I was young, he told me that gay people

showed up in the 50s.

- They just showed up.

- In the 1950s were the first gay people.

- He believed that?

- He actually didn't believe that.

I guess 'cause it's the first time

that he encountered one or something.

- Have you ever encountered a gay person?

I mean encountered where somebody came on to you.

- Me?

Oh my God, all the time.

But when I was young, I lived way out of town

so I'd have to hitchhike.

So what I get is, it's three in the morning.

- Ass, cash or grass, nobody rides for free.

- But it wouldn't be out of the closet gays

'cause they'd be in station wagons.

You could tell the guy had some kids toys in the back

and stuff like that.

But I was always amazed that they're gauled

because here I was like a 15 year old boy

and they were old and unattractive.

And they'd say things like, I got some beer in the trunk.

Like they never looked good.

And like I get nervous around a lady of my age.

Yet these guys were thinking they could get a guy

that was not a homosexual that was 45 years their junior

on the promise of some warm beer.

- Did they get ya?

- Well, like I said, I'm not that open

about my personal life.

But those, I will say one thing, those old closeted gays,

they should be a little more sanitary

around their cock and balls area.

If they're going out for a night in the town with me.

But you don't wanna be booted out of the car

because I live 17 miles away.

Adam Egan.

- He's making this up.

- Adam, yeah, I'm making it up.

But Adam Egan, this is a true story.

And he's straight as an arrow.

But for money, he used to--

- He's not even looking at ya.

- In New York City-- - He's allowed to tell.

- Oh, should I tell this story?

- Yes!

- In New York City, he used to jerk off punks

under the Queensborough bridge, $15 a man.

(laughing)

But this is what's up.

- Is that true?

- You are a bisexual.

- Is that true, yeah.

Somebody asked me today, your producer actually said,

"So you came out a couple years ago,

"and what was that like, was it a big?"

I said, "No, no I didn't.

"I've never been, I've never hit it."

- Yeah, but you never come out.

- I never came out, I didn't have to.

- Excellent.

I just thought of an idea.

- What's that?

- What if he comes out here on the show?

(laughing)

- Brilliant idea.

For comedy weeks, basically.

- There's a dancer on Dancing with the Stars.

Oh, maybe I shouldn't.

Well people, I don't need to say his name.

He's gorgeous, he's on the show.

And he's dating another dancer.

I'm trying, I don't want to, 'cause I have no names

or anything, but I said, "God, that guy's really gorgeous."

And they said, "Yeah, that guy was gay, his whole life gay,

"up until he met this girl, and now he's straight,

"and they're like gonna get married."

- Wow. - Really?

- Yeah, that happens.

- That happens.

- You usually hear it the other way around.

- You usually do.

But bisexuality is a real thing.

- Some people don't think it's real.

- They don't think it's real.

The joke that I heard is, like with me,

people say, when I say I'm bi, straight people say,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, you're gay."

And gay people say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever,

"you're gay."

- Oh, I see. - Like it's a coverup.

- Isn't that interesting? - Being gay, yeah.

- 'Cause I think, I was, I think the opposite.

- That it's a coverup to being straight?

- Not a coverup, but I think that bisexuals are straight.

I even think gay guys are straight.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean,

but that's 'cause you are so straight.

- No, no, this is why. - No, that's really what it is.

- This is why, because let's say you're gay, right?

- You can't comprehend. - And you, no, I can comprehend.

But let's say-- - Well, there really is

such a thing as bi, but go ahead, let me hear it.

- Let's say you're gay. - Yeah.

- Strictly gay, right?

In society. - Okay, yeah.

- And you're hiding it.

You marry a woman, you fuck her, you have kids, right?

- This happens all the time. - Happens all the time.

Now, let's take the reverse of that.

Let's say you were straight.

Can you imagine, just completely straight,

could you imagine a scenario

where you would enter a gay relationship,

get your ass fucked every night for years

just to put on appearances for the folks next door?

I think a guy that fucks asses

has an easier time fucking a pussy

than a guy who generally fucks pussy

moving over to a guy's hairy ass.

- It's all, I don't-- - You can put it that way.

- No, I don't think, 'cause to me it's not,

I think you're just confused.

Because I think it's not about gender for me.

- It's not about gender? - No, it's like--

- Like playing the numbers?

I mean, it makes sense to be able to--

- Do you guys have a tissue?

I have to blow my nose.

We can keep going with the show, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It's not playing the numbers,

although that was a Woody Allen joke, right?

He's thought about, he said,

"I think I might be bisexual

"because then I have twice as much of a chance."

That's what you're thinking.

- Yeah, that's exactly right. - Thank you, sorry.

(blows raspberry)

But no, it's just like me being attracted to somebody

doesn't have to do with whether they're a man or a woman.

- Yeah, why does it have to do with that?

- No, I almost said their personality, but it does,

I mean, that comes into play.

But it's like, to me, this sounds even more shallow,

but just beauty.

And men, you're a very beautiful man.

- It sounds less shallow.

- Well, no, it's shallow if you're just attracted

to a hot car, you know what I mean?

We're getting into some,

because intimacy and sex is what,

there's love and then there's sex.

And sometimes they happen at the same time.

Sometimes it's just sex and sometimes it's like,

there's just a hot woman or a hot guy.

- Are bisexuals, do they generally get to,

in the homosexual part, use their cocks?

You know what I mean by that? - Everybody uses their cocks.

- Well, no, they're not the guy getting fucked up the ass.

- That's the other weird thing.

When a guy has that kind of,

I have had relationships with guys

that really are straight, but I am having sex.

I'm popping it up.

- Yeah.

Well, I believe that a person that is not homophobic,

'cause I think homophobia runs very deep.

- Yes.

- And I would say, that's what I say to my friends.

I go, well, if you're not homophobic,

why not whack off your friend that's a gay guy?

Like what's stopping you?

Or blowing him?

Or letting him fucking ass?

What's stopping you?

You're not getting anything out of it,

but he's having a hell of a time.

- Well, that's where my window of opportunity lies.

(laughs)

- I bet it is, right?

- One of them, you know?

Only if I like the person,

and that's one of my arguments,

but come on, it would be like,

it is kind of gross, you know, if you're not into it,

'cause it's like, why not jerk your dog off?

You know your dog probably likes it,

but that's, because it's gross.

He is a weird one, man.

- How many people though, seriously?

- No, I agree with you, it's gross,

but do you think that happens a lot?

Like lonely people and their dogs?

- Jerking off their dogs?

- Oh yeah, every time I see a woman walking down the street

with a real big dog, I'm like, oh, they're going out.

- Women?

- Women are going out with their--

- But they don't even like fucking.

- They're going out with their dogs.

No, they get their dogs to either go down on them.

You know, Judd Apatow recently,

and I'm apologizing to him.

- Oh, but his dog is sexy.

(laughs)

- He told me not to go to the places you are taking me.

- I don't think you should,

because you're not identified as a bisexual.

You're identified, there's a million bisexuals

in this country. - I have three kids.

I have three kids.

You know that. - You're a brilliant comedian.

Why are we identifying you in this group

that's a huge group when you should be identified

in a small group of being a brilliant comic?

- That's so nice of you.

- That's what I think. - That's what Judd

wants to hear.

I'm trying to be, you know, clean up my,

not trying to be Bill Cosby or anything,

but we shouldn't.

- No, we just wanted to get that out of the way at the start.

- Well, we're done with all that.

- Just to get--

- How are you doing, because when you walked in,

I thought you were, 'cause I haven't seen you in years,

I thought we were gonna be doing a bit

where you're like a--

- Jerry Lewis?

- Jiminy Click character.

- Yeah, no, I'm fat.

- What happened?

- Fried chicken and gravy.

Let me tell you something.

- Well, your metabolism slows down at our age.

How old are you now?

- I'm 49 years old.

- I'm 47. - Damn near 50.

- Me too, I always say I'm pushing 50.

- Yeah, that's a scary age.

- But we have to exercise, man.

You have to--

- I thought it was funny.

- Your heart could--

- I thought gaining a lot of weight would be funny.

And also, when I started out,

I was doing it for a role, Andy.

(laughing)

I'm serious.

- No.

- I'm serious, I was doing it for a role.

- What role?

- Well, there wasn't a specific role, but--

(laughing)

People are always looking for a fat guy.

Now listen, seriously, you can be as cruel

as you want about it, because--

- I'm not being cruel, I'm trying to help you.

I'm trying to be your friend, because--

- Well, thank you.

- Your heart could seize up or whatever.

- That's what my doctor said.

- He did?

- He said it was alarming.

- Oh my God.

- You know what my doctor said to me, Andy?

He said, I said, "Okay, enough of this."

He said, "Okay, open your mouth and say oink."

(laughing)

Come on, man.

- Listen, I'm gonna put in a good word for you

to be on Dancing with the--

It's hard to get on the show, but--

- I thought you were gonna say it would--

- Please, for the love of God, do this.

I think you should do it.

- I'm begging you.

- Dancing with the stars? - You should get on

Dancing with the Stars.

- You lose weight.

- I was already thin and I lost 15 pounds.

- 15 pounds?

- 15 pounds. - Wow.

- I did have a little bit of a belly, but not anymore.

- God, my only chance of losing--

- No, I had a little bit of a drinking belly.

- My only chance of losing 15 pounds

is if I went to a British casino.

To be honest with you.

I don't know.

Listen, man, this is the thing.

You have always been controversial,

although you've always been a brilliant comic.

- Trying to be more mainstream.

- Don't you find that your controversy

has overshadowed your brilliance as a comedian?

- Yes, that's what I'm trying to be clear about.

I'm trying to clean up my act.

- I was talking earlier to you in the hall

and I said, I remember the first time you fucked up.

Guy had two shows on television.

I think it was the Ben Stiller Show and Get Smart.

They did a remake of Get Smart

and he goes in front of the people.

- News Radio.

- It was News Radio and Get Smart.

- Right off the tail of the Ben Stiller Show.

They were overlapped for years.

- So he goes on and in front of the,

what do you call those people?

- The up fronts.

- The up fronts.

- Where they announce all the new shows

and I happen to have two, one on two different networks.

My lawyer, Jared Levine, I still have him.

Are you with Jared Levine?

- Jared Levine's bailed you out many times.

- No, no, no, no, no.

He's not a criminal.

But he hires.

- No, he's not, but he knows something.

- He knows the good crew.

Okay, that's it.

- But the point of it is,

he begins his little press conference

by apologizing for Get Smart.

And I said, I like this mother bugger.

'Cause Get Smart was my favorite show.

God damn if I want to see it with Andy Dick in it.

- Jesus.

- No, because--

- I know.

- Don Adams.

- But Don Adams was in it, remember?

Don Adams and Barbara Felden played my parents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- They were in it?

- They were in it.

- Oh, I didn't know that.

- Yeah.

- I'd like to see that.

Does that exist?

- I played their son.

- Does that exist?

I mean somewhere on tape?

- Yeah, they have 12 episodes.

- They had 12 episodes of it somewhere?

Wow.

- It was on the air, it was on Fox.

- And Donna, jeez, I didn't know if Don Adams

was in it, I would have watched it.

- You know, that was on the tail of the Ben Stiller show

because Fox loved everybody there.

In fact, remember Dino, Stan Metopolis?

We did that skank sock puppet.

Shut your stinking trap.

That was my voice, my hand too.

And they wanted to spin that off into a series on Fox.

- Dino's--

- Stan Metopolis.

Dino, you reminded me of Dino.

- Dino, he fucking puts fiery things

up his cock.

- No.

- Wait, what?

- Yes, because of what you said in the beginning

of this show, you said that you have a hard time

masturbating, he used to tell me that he just mastered

Bates to just make sure it's still working.

He's not interested in the actual sex.

You're right, he's more interested in--

- From a physiognomically--

- Well, it's a mental weird thing.

- Well, he did a lot of drugs, I think.

- You and Dino did.

- No, not me, no.

- I did.

- Yeah.

- Adam, you get here, by the way.

You're both clean and sober.

- Sober.

- Which is fantastic.

- You have a good amount of time.

- Almost a year, yeah.

- Me too, I think.

- How long you got?

- Same amount.

- How long you got?

- Same amount.

- Well, how long you got?

- That's right.

- A year.

- Yeah.

- A little less than a year.

- One of the guys who helped me through it

was Jeff Richards.

He got clean.

- Me too.

- And I was like, yeah.

- Me too.

We had the same amount of time, he and I,

but then I had a slip.

- I had one of those planned coming up.

- They have a saying.

- Under every dress there's a slip, there's usually a girl that makes you go out.

Or sex in general.

- It's interesting, I find none of us here drink a drop of alcohol.

And in my case it's because I hate alcohol,

and in your case it's because you love alcohol.

- We love it, we do.

I don't know if you have this, Adam.

People think that we're cured, or we're done,

or we're, everything's all better now.

- To put it, this is exactly how it is for me.

Especially after doing something as grueling

and nerve-wracking and impossible,

really it was impossible for me to do Dancing with the Stars.

I can't believe I did it without drinking.

I can't believe it.

But after doing it and that kind of accomplishment,

my little demon literally, he's tapping me, and I turn.

- Now this is not literal.

(laughing)

- And literally my alcohol is so good.

- Hello, dumb dumb.

- Or he's on so much fucking peyote right now.

- I like the guy.

- I love Lucy.

- It's the same voice.

(laughing)

- And do the, hello, dumb dumb.

(laughing)

- Hello, dumb dumb.

- So their demon was tapping you on your shoulder.

- No, not demon.

- No, demon.

- Yeah, yeah, demon, yeah.

My disease or whatever you want to call it,

it's a voice in my head.

It's me even.

And I turn and it goes, real good job on that dancing show.

Really, you did great.

Now can we drink?

- Wow.

What'd you say?

- I keep staving him off.

- Yeah, of course.

- Him, I don't know.

- My uncle.

- Hello, dumb dumb.

- My uncle, when he was a boy, he drank a lot, you know?

- Yeah.

- Drank.

- As a boy, he did?

- No, when I was a boy.

And we were all worried about him.

And then one day he said,

I think I got it under control now.

He goes, I only drink when I'm alone.

(laughing)

- That's like the biggest sign of alcohol.

- I drink alone a lot.

- And it's true, I would go over to his farmhouse

and the light would always be on.

He'd be in his underwear with the transistor radio

and some Wild Turkey 101.

- In a jug.

- Just three X's on it.

- Did you have an addiction?

- No.

Well, some people said I had a gambling addiction.

Like I lost all my money a few times.

So I can understand that, I suppose.

- Your weight thing, you're just eating too much.

- My weight thing?

- Well, you're a little bit overweight.

And you said the doctor said, you said the word alarming.

That's not a good word to come out of a doctor's mouth.

- I know, I know.

- Alarming.

- Alarming, guy uses it so much.

It has my cholesterol, alarming.

I'm like, all right, somebody has a word of the day.

(laughing)

- I don't know.

- But yeah, no, no, 'cause this is the thing.

I was thin, I was thin like you on Saturday Live.

I was almost emaciated.

- Well, you smoked cigarettes too.

- That helps, cigarettes and coffee.

- So you don't anymore, this is just like a--

- Did you ever smoke cigarettes?

- Never.

- Harder than heroin to quit.

- I know.

- Not really, that's what they say.

- No, they really do say that.

- They say that all the time.

- I think it's true.

- They say that about everything except for heroin.

(laughing)

Everything is harder than heroin.

- Are you doing this to be a funny thing

or do you really have to kind of feel?

- No, I feel that I have an oral fixation.

(laughing)

You know about that.

(laughing)

- I don't have that, by the way.

I don't like sucking cock.

- If it's not this, I go straight,

you don't like sucking cock?

- I don't like sucking cock.

I mean, I have done it.

- Yeah, I wouldn't like it.

You know why I wouldn't like it?

- Why?

- Aren't those animals like inside the cum?

Like, I remember--

- The sperm you mean?

- Yeah.

So to me, like it's a bunch of animals and stuff.

(laughing)

- That's one fantasy I have sometimes when I,

I'm not gonna do it, Judd Apatow.

(laughing)

But I do have a weird fan, okay, nevermind.

- Whose advice are you gonna take in show business?

Judd Apatow or me?

- Or yours.

(laughing)

- Come on.

I can't.

Come on, let's clean this up, folks.

- No, let's talk about comedy.

- What else you got on here?

- I was gonna talk about comedy

'cause I think you're like a brilliant comic.

- Love it.

- And so you went out on the road and with your band.

Remember when you did that?

- I still do.

- Oh, you still do it?

- We're gonna do a night at the comedy stories.

- Absolutely.

We're gonna try and do once a month or a week or something.

- I like once a week.

- How about this?

I was at the Panama City Spring Break

and for some reason I was the host and you were there.

- Oh, that was our first television appearance.

- That's right.

- That was in like '96.

- Yeah, you jumped in a pool.

- A pool that they,

I didn't tell anybody I was gonna do that.

I did a flip into it.

- That's right.

- So we did Little Brown Ring.

It was me and Andrew Sherman.

It was MTV's Spring Break.

- Yes, it was MTV's Spring Break.

- It was on TV.

It was like their first Spring Break or something.

Probably not.

'96, by then they'd probably.

Anyways, we do the song and then I'm like,

"How am I gonna just end big?"

Oh, that was a weird thing because when I first got there,

we had trailers.

I got into the trailer and this little intern came in

and he's like, "What do you want?

"What do you need?"

I'm like, "Tequila, pot, and pills."

And then he runs out like I scared him.

I'm like, "Ooh."

He comes back, "Tequila, pot, pills.

"You're the best intern I've ever seen."

He's like, "No, my name is Simon Rex.

"I'm a VJ."

- Oh, shit.

- It was Simon Rex.

He knows the story.

And it's been that a while.

So but then we do our thing, Little Brown Ring,

which was the big hit that made me even start a band

because Howard Stern loved that song.

♪ Little Brown Ring, Little Brown Ring ♪

It's about buttholes.

- I know.

- I do have a fascination with.

With those, but anyhow.

I jump into, I do a flip into the pool

and then after they say,

"That water has been stagnant

"and sitting there for a month.

"Somebody should have told you there's no chlorine.

"There's a film on it."

- Very unsanitary.

- Very.

It wasn't a real pool.

It was a fake set pool.

A cesspool.

- You know when you say like Little Brown Ring

and it refers to butthole?

It obviously did in that song.

But I don't like in songs where they don't tell you,

where it's a code.

You know what I mean?

- Like for buttholes?

- Well you've heard that.

You go, "You know what I love that song?"

You know, watching the wheels go around.

People go, "That's about ass fucking."

You're like, "What?"

Like in those, they've got secret codes.

- Nobody said that.

- Or milk, milk, milk.

And then it turns out it's not about milk at all.

- What's it about?

- It's about Harvey Milk or something.

I can't think of an exact thing.

- Well then, don't bring it up.

- You must know a song that has a secret code to it.

- Well what about Gangnam Style?

- You know everything about music.

- Yeah, yeah, like--

- Gangnam Style, what is that about?

- I have no idea.

I think it's all in Korean.

- I did hear about, I did hear a song that like--

- You know what I'm talking about.

- I never thought of it like that.

- Puff the Magic Dragon.

- Yeah, like that.

- There you go.

- But that's obvious.

- Well yeah, it's like AC/DC,

like TNT, Dynamite, Watch Me Explode.

I'm sure it's probably about that.

- I'm sure it's probably about coming.

- It's probably sexual.

- Yeah, like all other songs.

- But I feel a lot of them are about heroin,

like I Was Riding My Horse.

- Oh for sure, Lust For Life is about heroin.

- Yeah.

- A lot of songs about it.

- Little Green Apples.

- How about that I'm Just Waiting For A Man?

- The Man, that's a great--

- That's the heroin.

- I'm Just Waiting For A Lady, isn't it?

I'm Not Waiting For A Lady, I'm Not Waiting For A Lady,

I'm Just Waiting For A Man.

- The other extremely great thing.

- I'm Just Waiting For A Lady, I'm Just Waiting For A Man.

- But he has heroin?

- The heroin dealer.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they had that other cryptic song, Heroin.

(laughing)

Velvet Underground had a lot of it.

I think most of the songs are about heroin.

- How do you know that he had heroin?

- They talked about it.

- The song is called Heroin.

- That's the Velvet Underground, right?

Yeah, he talked about it.

- Well that's not very good if you have to tell everybody.

(laughing)

- Well you didn't now.

- Artists aren't supposed to do that.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Yeah, because if I heard the term,

I'm waiting for a man, I wouldn't think, oh yeah.

- You thought you thought gay.

That was my thing.

- Yeah, you didn't think gay.

- I looked it up and did research.

- Why are we talking about being gay so much?

- You brought it up.

- He's trying to clean it up.

I have a question.

I saw that you were kicked out of the Avian Porn Awards

for being too offensive.

- We're gonna find out that story after we take a break.

- Good, I have to pee.

- I'm gonna go.

- And we get more coffee.

Do you guys want any more?

- Hilarious, man.

we send high quality razors right to your door.

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♪ I drive like a gangster when I'm coming to see you ♪

♪ See you, see you, see you ♪

We're back. More with Andy Dinkins in just a moment.

That's not, come on.

You guys are being sponsored by these people.

No, but listen.

You can get high quality razors sent to your door.

That's good.

It's a little frightening.

I wouldn't mind it.

Do you ever run out of razors and you're like, "Damn it."

Yeah, we're in.

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Is your father still alive?

No.

God damn, that's two out of three.

He's dead too?

Yeah.

Oh well.

And it's a great way to support this show as well.

Adam Egan, do you use the Dollar Shave Club?

No. I mean, not today.

Yeah, look at you.

Maybe if you had a high quality razor.

I'm signing up.

If anybody needs one, I do.

I'm signing up today.

Yeah.

I could, and I, that's something I can afford.

Well, this is what you do if you want to.

Yeah, because you can afford it.

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I don't make anything on this.

I don't understand.

Well, do you want to know how to get there?

Gotcha.

And you can have high quality razors.

Sent right to your door.

Is it a dollar a day for one razor?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't know why they call it Dollar Shave.

Huh?

Dollar a month?

Listen, man.

I can't answer every question.

It's called Dollar Shave Club.

Yes, that means it costs you a dollar over the course of your lifetime.

It's one dollar a month.

One dollar a month.

For one dollar a month.

Would you, for one dollar a month, have all your shaving needs met?

I mean, on your face?

Yes.

Well, you can use it for anything.

Well, that's true.

Do I have to only use it on my face?

No, no.

They have no rules here.

They have no rules.

Then, yeah.

Of course, they have no rules.

They send fucking razors to your house.

But it's really a great thing.

Is he also a client?

He is also a client.

He takes a shave every day.

My dad used to call him take a shave.

Take a shave.

He'd get mad at me.

Why didn't you shave today?

But it's a fantastic-

Why didn't you shave?

I didn't shave because I wanted to do this commercial and show, you know.

Or do you like that look?

Well, who would like this look?

I know.

Why didn't you shave?

Honestly, I forgot.

You should clean up and you should maybe wear a suit.

I'm wearing a suit or your show.

I know.

You look great.

You look great.

But let's talk about comedy.

Okay.

Because you-

Well, one more real quick.

You want to talk about-

One dollar per month?

A dollar per month.

And you get as many razors?

That's kind of a good deal.

Yeah, kind of.

That's like, for the whole year, that's like $14.

I spend- I go to Rite Aid and I spend about 20 bucks on a little bag of razors.

Yeah.

So this is a great deal.

At least.

It's a great deal.

I don't understand how they can do that.

I don't know how they make any money.

It can't be high quality.

Volume.

They can't be high quality razors for one dollar a month.

Well, for a year.

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You can slit your wife's throat.

It's somewhere in between.

I think it's somewhere in between.

It says high quality.

Well, it's definitely high quality because they told us earlier.

It's high quality razors sent to your door.

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Every month.

Sorry.

You'd be crazy not to do this.

I'm doing it.

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You would be crazy.

You would be crazy not to have high quality razors sent to your house every day.

Now listen.

For one dollar a month, that is a good deal.

But I want to talk.

We got one of the preeminent comics of our generation, Andy Dick, with us.

And so far, all we've been talking about is sucking and fucking.

I want to know why you got kicked out of the Avian Awards, which was just frankly impressive.

Why is the Avian Awards?

Explain to the folks at home what the Avian Awards are.

The Avian Award.

Wait, why am I the one?

Because, all right.

Well, because you brought it up.

All right.

It's like the Oscars of pornography.

It stands for the adult video.

Video Network?

Network Awards.

Awards.

The point is that Andy Dick was actually kicked off a porno award show for being too offensive.

Well, they're giving away awards for best anal.

Well, no.

Yeah, I know, right?

So what could you have possibly done that was more offensive?

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you saying anal is somehow offensive?

No, to some people.

Not to me.

I know.

No kidding.

I think I was being drunk and disorderly.

I went to Lisa Lampanelli was hosting the awards and I just, you know, when I get into

one of those jags.

Yeah.

What a jag is.

When I'm drinking and I was there for something else.

I think I was there for Pauly Shore's The World Is Your Oyster.

Oh shit, my boss.

Yeah, he's your boss.

Oh, you're a little shaky.

You like half and half?

You like it all the way, don't you?

So you were there.

You filled your cup with half and half.

I was there for Pauly's thing, I think.

I can't remember.

Vegas is my oyster, I think.

And it was for me that weekend.

Okay, fuck this story.

Because here you are at the A event.

This is the most interesting thing I've read on all the things they've written about.

Because a lot of it's uninteresting because I know about you.

But the fact that you pulled your cock out in a club in West Texas.

Because I've been to West Texas.

It's really brazen.

Very few people pull their cocks out and rub it on a fella.

But you did.

I'm a big country music fan.

I know Billy Joe Shaver.

I've met Waylon Jennings.

These guys live in West Texas and they don't cut much to cocks being rubbed on their face.

That's the one that stood out for me.

Tell me that story.

Okay.

I know you've told it many times on the Tonight Show, but...

I've never been on the Tonight Show.

Really?

Jay won't have me.

Why not?

And those are two different things you just said?

No, he won't have me on the show because I heard through producers that he's afraid.

Have you rubbed your cock on his face?

He's afraid that you might do something crazy?

Whatever.

But I found out that now he will.

Oh good.

He will have me on after the Dancing with the Stars.

And now he's bringing it right back into the gutter.

And now I won't be on.

No, you're rehabilitated.

This is the past.

Oh no.

Now tell us about rubbing that cock on a fella.

Forget that.

I want to talk about comedy.

I think that's funny.

But that's the thing.

I think that's funny.

The Texas thing was comedy.

Oh my show.

You've seen my live show, which I've been doing for 20-some years, which includes my

band.

It's a performance art thing.

Talking about Lou Reed marrying Laurie Anderson.

I try to be like a comedic Laurie Anderson.

That's how I feel I am.

That's a great description.

Yeah.

And I go on stage and I do these whimsically inappropriate songs.

And then at the end, my second act is sometimes, and it was during this Texas thing, a character

I did on the Andy Dick show called Daphne Aguilera.

It was Christina Aguilera's sister.

Very white trash.

Sister's daughter's mother's cousin's best friend's neighbor.

Not even related.

I was trying to simplify.

But a hysterical character and a great show.

Didn't you love that show?

Thank you.

Of course.

It was the Andy Dick show.

I loved it.

It was my favorite show.

You got to do whatever you wanted to do.

It really was great.

It was the pinnacle of my career.

So far, hopefully I get to do a lot more things.

But I'm in Texas doing my show.

And you're right, they don't cut much.

But the thing is, I wasn't me.

It was Daphne Aguilera.

She comes out drunk.

And in real life, I was.

You were a woman.

I was drinking.

No, I was.

No, no, I'm saying the character.

I was a woman.

I was playing.

I don't even like to say.

I like to keep them separate.

Daphne was on stage.

It's like Tony Clifton.

It's like Tony Clifton.

Yeah, like that.

I don't go to.

I try not to speak of it.

So Daphne is on stage.

She's drinking.

And I always ask somebody, would it be OK if Daphne,

there's going to be a woman that comes out.

She's going to be intoxicated.

She's going to lift her skirt.

She's going to rub herself on you.

Is that OK with you?

I should have them sign something.

That's the thing.

So I've done this hundreds of times.

But they can sign it.

But you just told them she's a woman.

But I explain what it is.

I say it's a character idea.

I don't just don't.

And I designate somebody.

So I want it to look like it's real.

I say, just don't go, oh, whoa.

I say, just try not to do anything.

Be like, what's happening?

And I coach them on how to.

Because that's what people, when I have done it,

when I've sprung it on them, they're just like,

what the fuck is going on?

And so basically, and the big ending of the show is my skirt

falls off.

And I spent--

Daphne's skirt.

Whoops.

Daphne's skirt falls off.

And I have taped--

I mean, to give away my little secrets,

I've duct taped everything back.

It's very difficult. And I've just got this perfect '70s

bush.

And I can spread my legs and nothing falls down.

And it just really--

I make my nutsack look like just swollen labia.

It really looks like a vagina.

It looks really--

I take pride in how well I make it look.

And I rub it on an unsuspecting patron of the club.

But like I said, I have pre-set this guy.

Anyways, supposedly he had emotional issues after,

and everybody made fun of him.

You rub your hot pussy on this, it's going to be a fag.

Some kind of a fucking closet.

These are the old days.

I don't do that show anymore.

What?

What is your career plan now?

Do you see this as your second career?

Trying to clean things up.

But clean things up.

I don't think you're going to--

Do Bill Cosby type, sitting on a stool, Bob Newhart stories.

No, I meant your--

I meant more your TV career, your movie career.

No, I'm getting back on TV.

I did Two Broke Girls, which is like a number one show.

Sometimes it's number one, two, or three.

I did Dancing with the Stars.

Because you seem like the perfect--

you could just get in there in that David Spade--

A niche.

Yeah, exactly.

I did a pilot for ABC.

I did a pilot with the rules of engagement,

David Spade show crew and the director.

I heard you did a pilot and then the TSA got involved.

[laughter]

That didn't make sense.

No, it made sense.

You blow a pilot in the airplane and then the TSA is waiting for you.

It makes sense technically.

I was almost on the no-fly list a few times.

I'm trying to get on.

This is not where we can go.

Now, listen, we're trying to get to the second career of Andy Day.

But that Texas thing, by the way, is off, completely dismissed.

It's really basically extortion.

That guy made money.

It fucking sucks.

I had to pay money, basically.

Well, listen, they always say--

He said, "Sure, I'll do it."

He went ka-ching.

He saw dollar signs in me.

It really sucks.

Then it just looks like I rubbed my junk on some random guy.

Like, "We, I'm drunk!"

No, it was part of a show.

Oh, that's fucked up.

Really fucked up.

In your second career that's starting now, when you go on the road--

That's a hell of a launch.

What am I going to do?

I need writers.

I need writers.

I think I do.

Because when I tell stories, I tend to do what Judd Apatow said, "Don't do."

Tell stories, like what you're dragging out of me.

Tell stories?

Tell stories from my past, my sordid past, these nasty stories rubbing people in West Texas.

But it's good that I cleared the air because everybody gets the story wrong.

Exactly.

Whatever really happens, you can tweak it to make it sound just horrible.

That's why I've been this horrible guy in the public eye.

When I was starting out, I'd go to the improv.

And you were a stand-up there, and Judd Apatow was a stand-up there.

And now you're telling me you're getting stand-up advice--

From Judd Apatow.

No, career advice.

More than just stand-up.

Not really even stand-up advice.

He was also, remember, the producer of the Ben Stiller show.

Yes, I know.

He was my first boss.

And then he became-- he's one of the biggest comedy makers in town.

And I've remained friends with him.

And I finally kind of went back to him with my tail, not my dick, between my legs and said,

"Judd, what should I do?"

And he said--

And he actually gave me a very long email that specifically said,

"Just clean up your fucking act."

What do you think of that?

Not stand-up.

Yeah, that's the other thing.

Like, maybe in the stand-up, yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Maybe when I go out and do my thing for two or three hundred people,

I can let my hair down.

Right.

Go a little nasty.

Because I think that you are one of the better stand-ups that has ever lived.

I would hate to see you tell them stories about the old days.

Well, that's what he said not to do.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He said, "Don't bring up what we're doing here."

He said, "Don't do this."

Yeah, yeah.

Don't do this particular program no matter what?

No, no, don't do what we're doing.

Oh, okay, I thought--

Don't tell crazy stories about my crazy past.

Oh, I thought you were saying he told you that.

Clean it up. People will forget.

There's a whole new audience.

There's people that are just turning ten that are watching Dancing with the Stars

with their grandmothers, and those two generations now love me.

Now when they hear that I rubbed my junk on some guy's face, by the way,

in West Texas, they are now like, "What? And we voted for him?

Dancing with the Stars?"

But what makes you funny, though, you could never make a sexual reference

again in your life in stand-up.

Still, the key to your funniness would be, to me, your shock ability.

Yeah, but I don't want to--I think that's what Judd is saying, "Don't do that."

But there's way to shock without being sexual.

I don't think you can be funny without it.

Without being shocking?

Well, what the fuck are you going to do, talk about fucking shit?

I mean, you lost your fucking luggage at the airport and you're fucking mad about it?

No, I'm not going to be like Jake Johansson. Is that his name?

Yeah, exactly. I didn't want to say his name.

But like him. He's great, though, but he does that.

Yeah, you don't do that.

I think what I would do, when my show, my live show--

Well, just quit stand-up.

But I don't really do stand-up. I do a performance art thing where I do characters.

My newest thing is I go--

Well, you stand up on a stage with a goddamn mic. I've seen you.

Yeah, you can call it stand-up.

And a guitar player.

And a guitar player. And I do characters. I go on and I have a curly wig.

My new thing is I go on as an older Andy Dick, like what people would think I am.

The curly hair and a little wilder. Maybe he's a little drunk, folks.

But I'm not. And then like five, ten minutes into it, I take off the wig and change my glasses out.

And I stop talking because I talk a little gayer.

I'm like, "Hi, everybody!"

And I have this exaggerated version of what I think people see me as.

And then I stop doing that and I get more serious.

But are you playing it so exaggerated that they're in on the joke?

No. They really--you can hear them gasp when I take the wig off.

Okay, there you go.

It's like, "What?"

It's not shocking them, but I like to trick them. Throw them on their ears.

I'd hate to go and see one and I can go, "Boy, he reminds me of young Byron Allen."

[laughter]

[music]

I apologize. A power actually went off, but that's what happens on live TV.

We're here with Andy Dick and we're going to read jokes. We read jokes.

I thought you were going to talk about this thing.

We're going to talk about the man grave.

You know what I think would be the perfect job for you?

I don't know if this has ever been considered by your management or by yourself.

Okay.

Talk show host.

Oh, yeah.

I did my own little version.

You already did that?

I did a thing called--it was called House Arrest with Andy Dick.

I had one of those ankle monitoring things, but it wasn't House Arrest.

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a traditional talk show.

But I did. It was a non-traditional talk show where because I was on House Arrest,

I brought people into my house and did a little interview.

So I'm talking about a traditional talk show, and you take that as a synonym for a non-traditional talk show.

You did a few non-traditional talk shows.

And then the asshole puppet.

Yeah, "Ain't This in Andy."

"Ain't This in Andy" was hilarious.

You know what? You are the best.

I thought we were trying to get away from that.

I know. But you are the best.

Listen.

This is what you need to be doing, and I love it.

Listen, we're going to do some jokes.

Which, by the way, I don't do jokes.

That's the other thing about my stand-up is I don't do that.

No, no, I know. But tonight you will be.

But I will.

But first, before the jokes, we're going to talk about "Mangrate." Have you heard of the "Mangrate"?

Yes, I have.

You have?

Yeah.

What's up?

Where'd you hear about it?

On Adam Carolla's podcast.

Wow. How about that?

I like it.

Well, this Father's Day, your father's dead.

But you have children. You are a father.

Yes, and I'm not dead.

Yes, and I bet you'd like a "Mangrate."

Are you going to give me one?

Huh?

Are you going to give me one?

No, your son would have to get it for you.

What the fuck am I going to buy you a Father's Day present for?

Is Father's Day coming up?

Father's Day is next week.

What is the "Mangrate," you ask?

You can ask.

Huh?

Fine. I didn't.

You didn't ask, but you probably know what it is.

I know.

It's 100% made in America.

Are you a jingoist?

What is that?

Someone who only loves things made in America?

No.

But it's a nice thing.

Yeah, yeah.

Take a look.

And it's cast iron, if I remember.

It's cast iron.

Iron?

Cast iron, grilling grates that are...

Are you kidding when you say "iron"?

You know what? Don't be like fucking Larry King.

That motherfucker, I say "iron" and he's up my asshole for fucking four days.

I heard you had Larry King on here.

Cast iron...

That's amazing, by the way.

No one gets Larry King.

Larry King gets you.

Cast iron grilling grates, look at that.

So basically you put the... I'm gonna just tell them.

You put this on your normal grill and it makes it hotter.

And it's cast iron, which is good.

My mom always cooked with a cast iron skillet because a little bit of the iron gets in your food and that's good for you.

Have you used one of these before?

No, Adam didn't give me one.

Maybe you'll give me one and I'll use it.

I'll give you one. Is your mom still alive?

My mom? No, she's dead.

Jesus Christ, is any of your relatives fucking alive?

Just me and my kids.

Well, listen, man, I...

Okay, so you're scraping that?

And then you just scrape it off and that's how you do it.

And you get two of these, I guess, to put right on your grill.

Two or three of these.

Huh?

How many do you get?

You get two.

You get two of these and it makes it hotter and easy, very easy to clean.

Huh.

Okay. These are very heavy.

Yes, no, no, but that's part of the charm.

Deliver exactly what... you know what it does?

It delivers exactly what you need to achieve that perfect steakhouse flavor.

Yes.

You can smell that cast iron.

It smells like, you know, like my...

Chicken? Chicken and steak have never tasted so good.

Yes.

No more flare-ups.

What do you think of that?

That's good.

No more dry meat?

Nope.

What do you think of that?

Good.

You want your meat, juicy.

Oh, come on now.

Remember, each Norm Macdonald Show order comes with a heavy-duty grilling brush.

Yes.

That's yours.

You just threw your own going away present with contempt to the floor.

It's going to be a good Father's Day in your household.

Look at that. Those things are dirty.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's from the iron.

Are you sure?

Yes. Well, it's not from my cock.

What?

I just went to the bathroom. You say cock so much.

Oh, my God.

So here now we tell jokes.

Now, you think you don't tell jokes, but wait until you-

Well, I can read them.

You can read them.

Oh, I saw one in the bathroom.

Do you know why I went to use the bathroom?

Oh, I threw some in the garbage.

Don't tell people that.

You threw all the racist ones away.

And then one other one that was about the view because it was-

Did you go through the garbage and find the old jokes?

When there was a joke, it just- and it was.

It was in the garbage and there was one.

I just went- it was clean.

I don't do view jokes.

It was sitting on top of paper towels, so I pulled it out.

I read it, and then there was another one.

I'm like, "Oh, there's another one."

And another one was about four jokes.

The one I remember was the view.

Wait, wait. I don't want to do view jokes because if you start a battle with Joy Behar,

you're not going to win.

No, you'll win easily.

But read this one.

Read this one. Read this joke.

I will, but why did you throw the one about the view away?

That was the one I'm like, "Well, this one's kind of-" It made me laugh, and I'm like, "Well, I wonder why."

I didn't know you used the bathroom.

The standards are so high that even that one didn't make it.

You didn't think it was funny.

I thought it was very funny, but not funny enough for Andy Dick.

It's pretty funny, plus I know-

We're going to save it for next week for Big Fat Bruce Volanch.

I told you before-

You're allowed to say that because you're fat.

He's allowed to.

No, I'm a fat guy like him.

He's allowed to.

Like I'm allowed to say the word "faggot."

Yeah.

You fucking faggot.

Well, I mean, there's no need for that.

Yeah.

What did that comment guy say to you?

I can't say that.

Come on.

Let's read it.

You know what?

Because you're not going to save it for Bruce because you threw it in the garbage.

Do you want me to save the view one?

I think I kind of remember.

No, he doesn't want to anger the viewer.

Bruce Volanch, you can give him any joke.

Why doesn't he want to anger Joy Behar?

Bruce Volanch, you can give him any joke.

He's so funny, that dude, that he will just make it funny.

He's funny.

But you probably are afraid of Joy Behar, aren't you?

Who wouldn't be?

She's a little bit of a firecracker.

Terrifying.

She's funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She reminds me of like your aunt that tells jokes at the fucking Thanksgiving table.

I'm going to go get that joke because the way they wrote it was pretty funny.

Maybe you should tell a joke while Andy is gone.

Okay, folks.

We'll tell a joke while Andy is gone.

Here, you tell one.

Okay.

The latest Archie-

Anna Meagut telling a joke.

The latest Archie comic shows gay character Kevin kissing his boyfriend, Devin.

Another barrier will be broken next month when in a dream sequence, Jughead will be

show fisting Betty Crocker.

God damn you're illiterate.

It's a show fit.

Oh, you're illiterate.

We'll be shown.

We'll be shown.

They forgot to write the N there.

Okay, now we'll see this joke.

This is a joke-

It made me laugh again out loud, just reading it to myself.

This show is so high quality that we take jokes from the dustbins.

Well, you said that this is very funny, but not funny enough.

Not funny enough for Andy Dick, I felt.

Well, I thought it was funny.

Well, I'm a fan of The View because Sherri Shepherd is a good friend of mine.

Sure.

And I've been on The View a lot, which is weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm on The View.

Daphne Aguilera was on The View.

Oh, really?

Did Daphne Aguilera- he didn't rub your cock on me.

Okay, come on.

This is what we're trying to get away from.

Okay, sorry.

And by the way, every time I'm on The View, Barbara Walters will not be on The View.

Is that right?

Yeah, she won't be on it with me.

And it has to be the pre-taped one.

You know how they're live except for the-

That's hilarious.

She won't.

She won't do it.

And they always have to do the pre-taped one.

Filthy old bag.

Barbara Walters announced that she's retiring from The View.

Well, actually, she announced it five years ago, but no one could hear her over those

yammering bitches.

See?

I thought it was funny.

Amazing at that.

I thought it was funny.

I thought it was freak.

I thought it was freak.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

You got some projector in there.

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You got some projector in there.

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Accomplished Comedian.

What is accomplished?

You're right.

This one.

This is not against him.

Accomplished.

This is not against anybody.

Accomplished.

Accomplished Comedian Sinbad.

Has a sound.

He's accomplished.

Yeah, you're right.

He is.

He's like Byron Allen.

Accomplished Comedian Sinbad has announced he's filing for bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy for the second time.

The second time.

Oh God, he's so retarded.

Sounds like things have gone from Sinbad to Sinwers.

All right, listen man.

A lot of people talk about masturbating to the Sears catalog when they were younger,

you know?

Uh huh, yes.

I've looked through them.

You know, because nowadays with the porn and everything.

But I'm a lot older than that.

Back in my days, you actually had to go to a Sears store and fucking whack off.

To the mannequins.

I don't know.

I used to love mannequins.

That didn't make sense because Sears started as a catalog.

It did?

Sears is the world's storage.

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

That didn't make sense.

Did you write that one?

You're right though.

Because you know what?

They used it in the old outhouses.

They would use the Sears catalog as a toilet paper.

Toilet paper.

Because the paper was so thin probably.

Organist Ray Manzarek died this week at the age of 74.

The curse of the doors.

Oh, this is about your aunt.

My aunt?

Is she fucking dead?

Yes.

You don't have a living aunt?

Maybe.

Maybe.

I have to read it.

Well, it's your aunt.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, yeah, right.

I do have one.

I have a couple of aunts.

My aunt turned her house into a bed and breakfast.

I guess she woke up and said, "Not enough strangers are fucking here."

It is kind of weird when you think about it, right?

You make your house a bed and breakfast and then damn dirty hippies are fucking upstairs?

There are over 10,000 missing person cases in America.

I hope I'm not telling tales out of school, but I think the answer to where are these

missing people is very clear.

Jorhan Vandersloot.

You remember that guy?

He killed Natalie Portman?

No, it was Natalie Holloway.

Natalie Holloway?

Did you have anything to do with that case?

No, no, I'm kidding.

You know a true story?

Never trust a black guy wearing a Dirk Nowitzki jersey.

You know, I came to the store the other day and Pauly Shore's interviewing an assistant

and I'm like, "This guy looks fucking familiar."

And Pauly's like, "Yeah, dude, remember that Jorhan Vandersloot?"

What a younger brother, just like him.

He didn't hire him, but he was not great at this story.

Listen, whenever someone says, "I have a couple irons in the fire," I think,

"Is one of them a job writing blacksmithing metaphor?"

What? Why are these all fucking...

I don't know.

That's funny.

But we're going to end the whole show with a joke for Andy Dick.

I'm going to try to find a really funny one.

Can I do one more? I like it.

No, you're going to do the last one.

Okay, okay.

But let me tell you this.

If the Miami Heat win the NBA championship this year, I will eat my hats.

It's not that I care or think they're going to win.

I just want to eat my hats.

This is where most of my weight goes.

Straight to whatever the fuck this is.

I'm going to find a really good joke.

You guys talk, and I'll find a good joke to end.

So, Adam, is it hard to not drink?

You know you've gained too much weight, by the way,

when your chair guy refuses to work with you anymore.

But go ahead.

He's fat.

Yeah, we need to help him out.

Well, let's try to get him on Dancing with the Stars.

That is the greatest idea I've ever heard.

Well, you know, Jeffery Ross was on Dancing with the Stars.

He didn't make it past, I think, the first episode, but it did well for him.

It'll help this show, and it will help you.

It'll help you.

Jeff Ross gained weight when he went on Dancing with the Stars.

That's true.

Daniel Callison says Jeff Ross gained weight when he went on Dancing with the Stars.

He scratched his cornea. His eye was scratched.

You know what show I would like to go on?

Eating strawberry shortcake with the stars.

Drinking gravy with the stars.

Is it hard to not drink?

I'm just working.

No, not here, because nobody drinks.

You think this probably means I'm fucking sucking some of his cock, right?

But it's taking Reddi-Wip and spraying it into my mouth.

See, that's how you eat Reddi-Wip.

How do you think we do the Reddi-Wip?

Did you ever do this, like at the Comedy Store, going to the Reddi-Wip?

Oh, to get high.

Oh, God, it's real.

It's fun.

Major high for about 30 seconds.

But don't tell the children, though.

Tell them to tell them to tell them to tell them.

Okay, folks.

I was just going to ask, is it hard?

It's impossible to stay sober at the Comedy Store and on this podcast.

Well, this is easy.

There's no booze here at all.

That was the thing, when I was dancing and I was at my most, like, I need a drink,

I would think, my brain would think, where in this whole CBS studio could I get a drink?

I was trying to think where or could I go, and nobody would ever know.

At the CBS studio?

Yeah.

Yeah, where?

Well, I know where.

Well, it's me and my self.

I know where.

Where?

Does Bob Barker still work there?

He is dead.

Bob Barker's dead?

Yes.

Well, rest in peace.

No, he's not.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Drew Carey just took over.

Don't listen to fucking Daniel.

I assumed he would.

Oh, God, he's not dead.

He's alive and he's dead.

Bob Barker is not dead.

Last week, Daniel, we wanted to book Jan Michael Vincent.

The guy tells us he's dead.

He's not dead at all.

He's all clean like you guys.

Miami Vice?

No.

Airwolf.

Oh, is this one for me?

This.

Bob Barker?

Yeah, Bob Barker, 89, alive and well.

See, that could clean living like a Johnny Carson or a Bob Barker.

Yeah.

Johnny Carson died quite young.

Oh.

66, he had a heart attack.

He was 66?

I think it was about that.

We'll leave it up.

Okay.

Died of a heart attack at his home in Malibu.

That's horrible.

Do you want to hear my impression of the nine?

It's going to be you if you don't lose weight.

Do you want to hear my impression of the 9/11 call from Johnny Carson?

The 9/11 call.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

But 9/11 was a national tragedy.

Yes, it was.

Why do you laugh at that?

You said it.

Johnny Carson died at 80 years old.

Okay, Johnny Carson died at 80 years old.

Would you like to hear my impression?

Would you like to hear my impression of the 9/11 call?

Of the 9/11 call.

Johnny Carson's 9/11 call.

Because he called while he was having a heart attack.

No.

Would you like to hear my impression?

Okay.

You be the 9/11 operator.

Hello, operator Mary.

Yes?

What is your 9/11 emergency?

I feel like there's a yak on my chest.

Hi-yo.

Hi-yo.

We would like to thank Andy Dick for being on the show and to end the show,

Hell!

Andy Dick will be reading a joke and then the show's over.

Good night, everybody.

Andy?

Purple socks.

Can I do a car neck?

I was trying to.

Can I do a car neck?

That's what I was trying to do.

Now, do you know how to be Ed McMahon during this?

Well, you have to read the --

Okay.

Mount Baldy.

Mount Baldy.

And you read it.

No, then you have to say Mount Baldy.

Mount Baldy.

Mount Baldy.

Mount Baldy.

What did Eul Brenner's wife do on their wedding night?

Okay.

Now we really have to go.

But we will end with Andy Dick reading this joke into a TV camera.

Half of your audience doesn't even know who Eul Brenner is.

Most of us do not know who Eul Brenner is.

I do.

He's the king and I.

Very one of the most famous bald people from the Johnny Carson age.

Him and Kojak, right?

Yes.

He's looking at you, kid, right?

That guy was a lollipop.

Telly Savalas.

Here's looking at you, kid.

He had him.

He had a Broadway musical about his life.

No, no, but he had that line.

Not he was looking at you, kid.

He had a lolly.

Who loves your baby?

Who loves your baby?

And he had a Broadway musical.

Isn't that weird?

And he had a brother named Demosthenes.

About his life.

Is he dead, by the way?

Telly Savalas.

Telly Savalas is dead.

But the good news is he's in heaven.

We don't know.

I know.

There was also a Broadway musical about Liza Minnelli's husband.

This is going to bring it full circle right to the beginning of this interview.

Liza Minnelli's husband that turned out to be gay called The Boy From Oz.

All about this one guy, Liza Minnelli's husband, that turned out to be gay.

I went to see it and it was starring Hugh Jackman.

Oh, yeah, The Boy From Oz.

The Boy From Oz.

Is Hugh Jackman gay?

Jury's out on that.

Well, I thought there was a guy that said, "I can't get work because I'm gay."

It was one of those big action stars.

Not Hugh Jackman.

Oh, Rupert Everett, maybe?

Rupert Everett.

That guy's done nothing but work.

Here we go.

The final joke.

Okay.

Good night, everybody.

Well, we'll say good night right after the joke.

No, it was going to be okay.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

Good night.

No, no, we'll do the joke and then say good night.

Good night, everybody.

This year's most popular iPhone game is Clash of the Clans.

Clash of the Clans, the most popular iPhone game.

Yeah, iPhone game.

The least popular iPhone game, Cut My Cock Off.

Oh, my Lord.

That's what you chose as the final joke?

You chose it.

Andy Dick, the incomparable Andy Dick.

Thanks, pal.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Andy.

Good to see you, man.

Also, be sure to support our sponsors.

Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus

for a fraction of what you pay retail.

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