Norm Macdonald Live (2013–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Super Dave - full transcript

The premiere episode of Norm MacDonald Live. with guest Super Dave.

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(beep)

(upbeat music)

- Hey, welcome to the show.

This is a podcast, but it's on the TV also.

And I'm here with my trusty sidekick, Adam Egus.

- That's right, how are you Norm?

- Good, how are you Adam?

- Fine, just fine. - Excellent.

Your life is going well?

- Couldn't be better.

- But you're always in trouble with the law?



- I wouldn't say that.

- A little bit.

- Well, I mean, yeah, a little.

I mean, I just gotta--

- Don't you think that possibly we're boring the shit

out of the public right now?

- About Adam Egus?

- Yeah, just having non-sequitur talk.

- No, this is not non-sequitur.

- When are you gonna introduce me?

- Well, maybe we should introduce Super Day.

- Seems like a good idea.

- Okay, this is our first guest.

- What is the band gonna play when I come out?



- There's no band.

- You don't have a band?

- We don't have a band on the show.

- But it's a talk show.

- I know, but really that's an old timey talk show.

Do bands ever help?

- No, they've never done anything.

- Okay, go ahead.

The Roots.

- The Roots.

- Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

- Do you find it weird when talk shows

say how good the band is?

- I always, when they come out of commercial

and no one's heard the music,

but the band made everything

and people are wild over the band.

- The band.

- You know what you ought to do right now?

Get up and dance like Ellen.

- What?

- All over the building and we'll follow you with a camera.

Wouldn't that be great?

We could dance over women.

- Yeah.

- All right, go ahead.

- Have you ever done the Ellen show?

- No, not yet.

- You've done a lot of talk shows.

- I really have.

- Talk shows are in the news now.

Isn't that what you were telling me, Adam Egan?

- I did.

- What's the story on them?

- I think we'll get to that later.

We do have, we--

- Well, why don't we do it now?

- Can I say one thing?

Can I just say one thing?

- Yes.

- I have not seen you in so long.

- I know, it's been a while.

- I love you.

Makes me very sad now that you're--

- I've gained 45 pounds.

- A man now, I don't care.

A man as brilliant as you are

is doing a podcast for 18 people.

And Kim Kardashian's mother has a talk show.

- I would like to kick, what is her name, Kris Jenner?

- Yeah.

- Right in the balls and make sure

she never had another baby.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

- Yeah, I know what you're saying.

- When those girls are all old,

they'll be living in a corral.

- But don't you think it's good that you can reach a point

where you don't have to do shows like that?

Like Celebrity Apprentice.

You don't have to do that show.

- No, no, no.

- Some celebrities have to do it.

- It's not celebrity, it's like Dancing with the Stars.

- Yeah.

- May I say something about this?

- Yes, yes.

- The Dancing with the Stars people

is a Beverly Hills housewife.

How is she a star?

And then when Noda Ryder comes out,

Renota Judd, Renota Judd.

And she's dancing.

I don't mind seeing hefty women dance.

- Sure, you love it.

- But I don't want to see it on television.

- Where do you want to see it?

- What I would do on that show was I would make sure

that on the side they had an Indianapolis pit crew.

And during her dance, she would come over

and they'd change her underwear and her shoes.

And then she would go back out and finish the dance.

- But where do you like to see hefty women dance?

- In the circus.

(laughing)

That's where I like to see hefty women.

Who the hell wants to see hefty women dance?

- No, I know.

- No, her partner can't believe it.

- Yeah, but I--

- Wait till he has to lift her up.

Good luck on that one, my friend.

- But I'm rooting for Andy Dick.

- Yeah, I like Andy.

- Yeah, you know.

- And he's a good, he's been through a hell lot of hell.

- Yeah, yeah.

- May I say one thing now?

- He had substance abuse problems.

- A lot of them.

- Like Adam Egret.

- I, yeah, I have had his--

- Is that an intro into Adam's substance abuse problem?

- Yeah, well, no, because he's--

- Why he has lumps all over his arms?

- No, no, sorry, no, it was my kind of--

- Oh, he told me he was playing some game,

video game on the internet.

- I didn't know you did intravenous drugs.

- No, I don't do that anymore.

- What did you do?

You used to do that?

- Yeah, I did a lot of, I've done a lot of drugs.

- You've injected drugs in your arm?

- Well, no, no, I never injected it.

I never injected it, yeah.

- He's sober for nine months.

- Yeah, nine months today.

- That's like three quarters of a chip.

- Can't tell you how much I give a chip.

- You don't care.

- No, no, no, I don't care.

I don't care if he's shooting up

while we're doing the show now.

Now listen to me carefully.

- Aren't you happy for him?

- I'm so happy for him.

But here's the thing.

My favorite story of all time is Pistoris.

- Oh, yes, yes.

- The runner.

- Tell who Pistoris is.

- Well, you know who Pistoris is.

- No, but for the people, for the viewers that don't know.

- Well, Pistoris doesn't know.

- Well, the viewers that don't know.

- He's a South African gentleman.

- Well, some viewers don't know.

- He grew up a kid.

- Well, he should tell it to some of the viewers

that don't know who Pistoris is.

- He's an Olympic runner who ran with blades.

Everyone knows who he is.

- Well, I wouldn't say ran with blades.

- I didn't ask you what you would say right now.

- That's true.

- You're off your drugs.

- That's true, I am off drugs.

- Listen.

- After the show, I'm gonna start.

- Pistoris grew up as a kid without legs, which is tough.

- Yes.

- Okay, his whole life.

He's made fun of.

All of a sudden, he gets blades.

He becomes the hero of the world.

Makes millions of dollars,

meets the most beautiful woman in the history of life,

and shoots her, but comes up with the lamest excuse

I've ever heard in my life.

- What was his excuse?

- He said he was standing on the balcony on his stumps.

Behind, beside the bed, were his two legs

and this gorgeous woman in the bed.

Now, if I'm a burglar, I'm breaking in for two reasons.

One, to rape a woman, and two, to rob everything.

So if I come in there and I see, Jesus Christ,

I got legs I can take, I can take her,

I'm gonna do up, no I'm not.

I'm gonna go into the bathroom, lock myself in,

and take a good, healthy dump.

What kind of an excuse is that?

- You're right, it's a weak alibi.

- It's so weak.

- It's a terrible alibi.

- And he said he didn't know where his wife,

his girlfriend was, the toilet is a foot away.

Wouldn't you notice if she's a better nurse?

- So what's the number one reason you'd break into a house?

- Yeah, I wanna go over that again.

- I don't break into a house.

I said number one reason that someone goes into a house

is they either rape someone or steal something, okay?

- Yeah, I have--

- And this guy found a gold mine,

but he decided to take a shit instead.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

And what about that dormer, this guy who killed the cops?

- Yeah, explain to the folks--

- I don't want to explain anything.

If you're gonna say that after everything I say,

I'm gonna leave.

- No, I've heard people say that.

- 'Cause this is the cheapest thing I've ever been involved

in, but if I-- - No, I've heard people

say that. - If I didn't love you,

I would be so gone now, I can't tell you better.

- I've heard people say that.

Explain to the folks who that is.

- Dormer.

- Dormer, yes, Christopher Dormer.

- Okay.

- Explain to the folks who he was.

- He's six feet tall.

- He was the African-American--

- African-American--

- Police officer. - Great looking guy.

His arms are like this.

He can't take a bad picture.

Even his mug shot was great.

He goes and decides to hide in Big Bear.

He is the only black man in Big Bear

and he was there for six days.

What was he going in the market with those,

with nose glasses?

Are you Christopher Dormer?

No, sir.

But you look like him.

No, no.

And then after they killed him,

the police were giving the story

and behind them the house was burning

and they said, is Dormer inside?

We don't know, we're not sure.

So you're just killing someone and burning their house

and then you'll find out later.

- Maybe he's taking a dump.

- Hey, did you read his manifesto?

- Did you read his manifesto?

- You know, I went to a tennis match in Indian Wells

and I saw Rafael Nadal play.

He's my favorite.

- Rafael Nadal.

Explain to the folks who Rafael Nadal is.

- Oh my God.

(laughing)

- No, of course Rafael Nadal.

I'll explain.

Rafael Nadal is a tennis player,

only 26 but seemingly beyond his prime.

- Great player, great player.

- Abs like--

- Great player, but here's the thing.

- You like his abs?

- Every single time he serves and returns,

he picks his underwear out of his ass.

- He does?

- Yes.

- I've never heard that.

- There's a video of it.

Show it, I brought it.

- There's a video of that?

- Yes, I brought it.

- Well, how could that?

- Let me roll that off the schnide.

- What?

- I'm thinking of it.

- It's too much bread and butter.

- You can't see that in public.

- This man is a genius.

That's all he does.

- What if he was a dentist?

Hello?

- Oh.

- Hello?

- Oh, I smell that.

- Oh my God.

- What was that all about?

- You know what I was thinking though?

- Do you remember the girl that got stabbed?

- What? - Monica Sellis?

- Yeah, but that's a long time ago.

Why don't we talk about Columbus?

- No, but I'll tell--

- No, here's the thing.

- You know, I hate--

- I think that if Kim Kardashian

were to go to Vegas,

she could do Caratops act and take things out of her ass.

That's what Nadal reminded me of.

- That's a pretty solid idea.

- Yeah.

- Wait, I don't understand that.

- I don't either, but I respect that idea.

- Well, you know, Caratops takes things out of a trunk.

- Yeah, oh, I see, I see.

- She can take it out.

- Am I gonna have to explain everything to you?

- No, do the folks explain who Kim Kardashian is?

- Nevermind.

- 'Cause I think the joke was predicated

on knowing that she has a big ass.

Wasn't it?

- People don't know that?

- Young people don't, no.

- Everybody knows that.

Have you seen the pictures of her?

- Yeah, two weeks ago.

He showed them to me.

- Yeah, she's gained a lot of, you gained weight.

- She gained a lot of weight, so do you.

- I gained 45 pounds.

- I was gonna say something actually.

- Why?

- Well, I thought you'd been gaining some weight.

- Yeah, I gained 45 pounds.

- You okay?

Yeah, what's going on?

- I'm doing it for a movie.

- For what?

What's the role?

- What are you playing, Jackie Gleason?

What do you mean you're doing it for a movie?

- It's not a particular movie.

I just think they always need a fat guy in a movie.

- Fat guy in a movie.

You're doing hard.

- You're paying it forward, yeah.

- No, I'm gonna lose it though.

- Yeah, it's the heaviest I've ever seen.

- And since I've gained it, I sweat like a--

- Yeah, you sweat in the news.

- Like a whore in church.

I don't mean to be--

- What?

- I don't mean to be filthy, but--

- A whore in church?

- Yeah, she's nervous, so she sweats because--

- She sweats like a Chris Dorner in a Big Bear cabin.

- Okay, come on.

- Well, I'm just--

- That's racist.

- Did you read his manifesto?

I wanted to add.

Did you read his manifesto?

- Yes.

- I wanted to get your take on it,

'cause I've read bits and pieces.

Now, explain what did the manifesto cover?

Like, what was he talking about?

- Well, it said the streets of San Diego

would run red with blood, but it also said

that he liked Lisa Lampanella's act a lot.

(laughing)

Did you know that?

- He did?

- Yeah, he mentioned a lot of celebrities.

- He said Lisa Lampanelli?

- Lisa Lampanelli, who else?

- Jeff Ross?

- Jeff Ross.

He likes the roasts.

- We've said, yeah, he said he was gonna oust

the Attorney General for the fraud he was.

Also, he thought that the Big Bang Theory

jumped the Sharks season three, I think.

- He didn't really say that, but he's using--

- Two women on a bridge?

- Yeah.

- One says, "You know what, Helena,

"I've always wanted to pee off this bridge

"just like men do."

She said, "Go ahead, there's no one around."

She goes, "Oh, the railings, drops and shorts,

"sticks her ass over the ranch."

She says, "Come here, I'm gonna pee

"right down there in that canoe."

Said, "It's not a canoe, it's your reflection."

(laughing)

Then your ass-swipe producer just held up a sign,

"Let's take a break."

Where are we going?

We're talking to six people.

You know, we could get on a bus right now,

the three of us, and yell out the window

and reach more people.

- Listen, what about this?

- What?

- Adam Egan likes to tell jokes.

You like to tell jokes.

What if each of us, each of you told a joke

and decided who was the better joke?

Adam Egan will start.

- That is such a great idea.

- Okay, you start out.

- Wait, wait, wait, I am starting.

- Let's say a joke.

- You want me to just-- - Let's take a break.

Let's take a break.

- Yeah, I think we should probably take a break.

- Okay, we'll take a break and then we'll do the joke off.

- No, we're not doing the jerk off.

- Joke off. - Oh, it's a joke off.

Yeah, wildly different.

- We're not doing it.

- You don't think you can take them?

- It's clear as hell. - Nothing to do with it.

- We're taking a break.

- Well, it's a sing-along tour, Michael.

About six months ago, the Sing-along Society

of North America called and said,

"Super, we think you could help us

"get rid of profanity on the highway."

And I said, "What do you mean?"

And they said, "Well, have you ever pulled up

"alongside a car and seen someone singing to a record?

"They're happy."

It's very hard to sing a swear word.

- I'll say it is, yes indeed.

- So they felt that if I could go on a week-long tour,

we're gonna cover about 5,000 miles,

I'll be singing night and day,

that maybe I could be like a Pied Piper.

People would follow me, start to sing along,

and then when I left, I could leave

kind of a musical highway through the world.

♪ Trailer for sale ♪

♪ In the long run ♪

♪ Don't select this dish ♪

♪ Later means by no means ♪

♪ King of the road ♪

(audience cheering)

- Super Dave Osborne on the Super Dave show.

- One of the best.

I was raised on that show.

- You were? - Absolutely.

- Filmed in Toronto, Canada.

- Do you know a little side thing about that show?

I'm gonna tell you two quick stories, okay?

One, the first Super Dave we ever did,

I was on the CN Tower, it's the tallest structure

in the world, and I was gonna jump,

but I yelled down, which was five miles.

- I like that you told the folks what CN Tower was.

- Yeah.

(laughing)

Can I tell you, this reminds me a little bit of Mike Douglas.

- Really?

- And I'm gonna tell you the greatest talk show

in the history of talk shows was Mike Douglas.

- Mike Douglas.

- And his co-host was Slott.

- Now people are gonna think that's Michael Douglas.

You should probably explain to folks.

- Well, who's watching?

Is this in the United States?

- Well, I'll explain it.

- Yeah, no, don't explain everything.

- Mike Douglas.

- Oh, shit.

- Mike Douglas was--

- Just take everything out of,

there's no sense being here.

- I'm saying to the folks at home

that Mike Douglas was a talk show host,

someone in the vein of Merv Griffin, he was a singer.

- Call me when you're through,

'cause I forgot what I was talking about.

Okay.

- And he had a talk show.

- His co-host this week was Sly.

- And every week he had a co-host.

- Of Sly and the Family Stone.

- Sure.

- And he was stoned out of his bird.

- Probably a rare of Sly.

- So they opened the show, and he said,

"Sly," he says, "I understand you're getting married."

And Sly said, "What about what they doin' game on Sunday

"and then Monday we're goin' over to Cleveland

"and then we're goin' to come back?"

He said, "No, no, aren't you getting married?

"I don't know if the Hollins are gonna be there

"for this engagement, but hopefully we'll be all right

"and we'll play and get it done."

And Mike goes like this, "Boop!"

He said, "Let's go to commercial."

Now Sly is sitting here, he brings out Peter Marshall.

- Yeah.

- From Hollywood Squares.

Peter sits right here.

- Because the idea of the show is to mix--

- Oh, don't do this, don't do this.

And he says, he says, Peter, who's a great guy by the way,

Peter, he says--

- You're taking son playing baseball.

- You're taking Hollywood Squares to Vegas.

You're taking him to the road.

- Yeah.

- He says, "Yeah."

He said, "Are you gonna change it?"

He says, "No."

He says, "When it comes to Hollywood Squares,

"you gotta call a spade a spade."

- Oh.

- And Sly turns to Peter Marshall on this show and said,

"I'm gonna get you."

(laughing)

They go to commercial, they come back

and Sly is still staring at Peter.

(laughing)

And Mike Douglas now says, "Ladies and gentlemen,

"it gives me great pleasure to bring out

"the smallest man in the world,

"Ringling Brothers' own Michou the Midget."

And this guy comes out and he is the smallest man

in the world.

Mike picks him up, puts him in the thing,

his shoes are like this, that's what you see.

And so what you see on camera now

is Sly still staring at Peter and him talking to Michou.

And he says, "Michou, how old were you

"when you joined the circus?"

And Michou said, "But I--"

He said, "What?"

(speaking foreign language)

"No, when did you first join?"

He said, "Get out."

He said, "Do you speak English?"

He said, "Brit."

He said, "Oh my God, let's go to commercial."

They come back, they bring out his interpreter

who is walleyed and that's what you had

for the last part of the show.

Sly staring at Peter and a walleyed interpreter

with a midget who didn't speak English.

(laughing)

- That's going way smoother than the show.

- I had a little guy on my show that I found in the--

- A little person.

- A little person.

- Should explain to the folks.

- And he was an alcoholic.

And he-- - Like Adam Eagle.

- We put him up, yeah, we put him up

at the Royal York Hotel and I would get calls.

Mr. Einstein, your midget is walking down the hall

in his underpants. - Who said that to you?

- The Royal York called me, the hotel.

- A hotel, oh, a person.

- Yeah, so we had him and I could not,

he's the only person that made me laugh all the time

because he didn't, I was doing this thing

where I was explaining the entire layout

of the compounded miniature.

It was a seven minute ad lib and behind me,

I had Fergie, who was the little person.

He looked exactly like Ronald Reagan in a suit and tie.

Teeter tottering with fish.

We had gotten a tank of fish that balanced him out.

So they were teeter tottering.

I'm trying not to look at it.

All of a sudden, change hits the floor

and he says, "My money!"

In the middle of me talking.

And the stagehand went, "Shh, shh, no, but it's my money!"

(laughing)

So we had to redo it and then another time,

and this is horrible but it kills me,

John Bynar was the host of Bazaar.

- Yeah, he was the host.

For the folks at home that don't know,

he was a famous impressionist.

- Can we explain what Bazaar is?

It was a TV show in, I believe--

- I think part of the reason Super Dave

got John Bynar to host was because he could do

a lot of impressions and a lot of characters.

- John Bynar was brilliant.

- So it was just John Bynar and a bunch of Canadian actors.

- It's a great show, went six years,

the first series in the history of cable.

- Oh, I know, I wasn't saying it was an epithet,

I meant, I liked it.

- Don't use epithet when you don't know what it means.

We went over words before this show and I asked you,

do you know what epithet means?

You said, "No."

And now you use it.

- But let me ask you this, though.

- No, let me go on with this story.

- Oh, is there a story?

- So Bynar brings me out.

I was also the producer on the show.

- You played him.

- And he showed--

- And you played the producer.

- Oh my God.

And he showed a clip of me screwing up.

So I said to him, "You know what?

"I quit, go to Hollywood and get some

"coke sniffing producer, I'm gone."

And we're walking down the hall

and I'm talking about human decency

and how to treat people.

We go into my dressing room and it is a freak show.

I've got a blow up doll on a swing,

this is the kinkiest place.

I open the shift robe and take Fergie out, he was sleeping.

Put him on the ground, he has bunny shoes on,

I snap a rubber glove on his head and now we're walking.

And I'm talking about human decency

and how you treat people.

We come to my car, I have a blind limo driver.

I open up the trunk, I throw Fergie in,

slam the trunk, get in the car,

I tell the blind driver to take me home,

he hits the wall, it's another car, into a tree.

All of a sudden a storm hits.

We race inside because you know the Toronto storms.

Explain it to me.

- The Toronto storms are incredible.

(laughing)

They're incredible.

- Okay, okay.

We're in here eating and drinking, okay?

All of a sudden I realize 45 minutes later

I left Fergie in the trunk.

I run outside, I open the trunk and he looks at me and said,

what the fuck are you doing?

- Now Bazaar was a variety show.

Adam, he could've told me something I didn't know.

He said you worked with Red Fox on a variety show.

- Yeah, I heard that.

I'm dying to hear it.

- I produced Red Fox variety.

- You told me you just worked on it.

- Worked on it?

- Well, that's what, I mean, according to your Wikipedia.

- What do you think I was, a stagehand, you douchebag?

Worked on it?

Did you do your notes?

- No, I got all my information from Wikipedia.

- I want you back on stuff so you know.

- I'm gonna do a show next Friday.

No, no, no, no, it's true.

- I'm just teasing you.

- No, he's kidding you, he's kidding.

- No, I clearly, clearly.

- Did you add a question?

- Yeah, yeah, I added a question.

- Okay, I'll tell you one thing about Red Fox.

- Oh, okay.

- I loved him because he was unbelievably funny.

Here are two quick Red Fox stories, okay?

We're meeting at his house.

- Red Fox, for those of you who don't know.

- Oh, oh my God, oh my God.

- Was played, of course, most people know him

as Sanford and Sonny, played Fred Sanford.

- Right, right.

- Which was his father's actual name.

- Is that right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- You know, if I had steroids, I'd take them right now.

- Steroids?

- Yes, I would take them right now.

- Why would you take steroids?

- Just so my arms would pump up,

I'd get you in a headlock and pop your head.

- Oh my goodness gracious.

- That's got a point.

- I've never heard such a thing.

- Well, it's said never had a talk show before.

A guest had a talk show host.

Nothing was said like that to Dick Cavett.

- No.

- Tell him who Dick Cavett is.

- Oh, well Dick Cavett is.

- No, no, no, forget it, it's not worth it.

Okay, so we're meeting at Red's home.

Now Red liked to do grass, cocaine, and sex.

- Absolutely.

- That's what he loved to do.

- Sounds good.

- So we're down there, we're meeting about the show,

and I see Slappy White, an old time great comedian.

- Oh, Slappy White, yeah.

- An old time comedian named Slappy?

- Slappy White.

He'd wear a white glove and a black glove,

and at the end he'd put them together

to show solidarity between races.

After his very funny stuff.

He was actually at a partner, Slappy White.

- What was his partner?

- Slappy comes down the driveway.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I look outside and I see Red has four dogs,

and they're half human and half dog.

They're the biggest dogs I've ever seen,

and they haven't eaten in months.

They're roaming around the campus.

So Slappy comes in, he said, "Hello, Chief."

He said, "Hello, Slappy."

He said, "I'm meeting with Blaenstein."

My partner was Alan Blaenstein,

so he would combine our names.

- Blaenstein?

- Blaenstein.

"If you go down to the pool house,

I'll be with you in a minute."

Slappy said, "What about your dogs?"

He said, "You motherfucker.

I've known you for 50 fucking years.

My dog ever touch you?"

No.

And we watched, like on Cinerama Dome,

Slappy's, Red's dogs chase Slappy around the yard

and into the pool with his clothes off.

And no one stopped anything.

And all Red said was, "Goddamn, they didn't go after this."

He said, "Now listen, what we gotta do

is get another time for show, okay?"

Ladies and gentlemen, Red Fox.

And we had this giant tenement

that turned into R-E-D-D, and he came out from that.

- You know what a tenement is?

- Music, music.

- Yeah, it's like a neighborhood, right?

- Yeah.

(laughing)

- You know, I would rather do a show with a--

- What?

- I would rather do--

- In the middle of his door.

- I'd rather do a show with a signer.

I'm serious for the death.

- Not one in the middle of his door.

- He told me, "Let's take a break.

I'll show you a break."

So there's no Red.

The audience is applauding.

Music's playing.

I stop tape.

I go to his dresser.

I'm knocking on the door.

I hear, "What?"

I open the door.

There Red is sitting in his makeup chair.

The girl who's doing his hair is sitting on top of him.

So her dress is over his legs.

And I said, "Red."

And from under her dress, he said, "What?"

I said, "We're on camera."

He said, "Can't a man relax?"

(laughing)

- That was a great fucking story.

Let's take a break.

- Well, why don't we take a break forward?

This isn't a television show.

- Sponsors?

- Yeah, we are.

- We don't have sponsors.

This is the first time you've been on.

- I got sponsors.

- You do?

Who do you have?

Call one of them.

Call one of them right now.

- I trust you after this.

- He has a sponsor.

- I got it.

No, don't explain it to me.

I got it.

You have to explain to me them.

I got to know.

- No, no, no, no.

- I'm sad.

(laughing)

- How sad is it that a talent of yours has to do this?

You should have your own talk show on a network.

- Oh.

- We'll come back in a few minutes.

- You never told me that, Daniel.

- What?

- Come back and do a little news.

- Do a little news?

- Yeah, we got some news pieces we're gonna go over.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- Yeah, yeah, we're gonna come right back after this

and cover some news stories.

It's gonna be badass.

- I'm excited.

I'm single.

- Get out there and get some new ass.

You know what I'm saying?

Huh?

You done ran the other ass on the ground, right?

- I don't wanna talk about my wife like that.

- You ran that ass on the ground.

And you're moving on, right?

- Well, I didn't run any.

We had a nice marriage.

- No, you ran that ass on the ground.

You're moving the fuck on.

- I don't run people's ass in the ground.

- Oh, men do.

- It's not a negative thing to run an ass in the ground.

That's all.

- You ran that shit on the ground.

I'm gonna win a car.

- Great clip.

- And super name is Marty Funkhouser on "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

What's happening with "Curb Your Enthusiasm"?

They left for a year to do a movie?

- Yeah.

- That sounds odd.

- I know it is odd, but--

- Is that gonna work?

- I don't know.

I hope we come back.

I love that show so much and people love it.

- Oh, people are--

- How about the Palestinian chicken episode?

- That was hilarious.

- Was that the greatest?

- That was the greatest.

- That was the greatest.

- And then he comes down there with that hubcap yamagon.

- Yeah, and upstairs--

- And she's screaming anti-Semitic shit

and then he comes down like a lord.

- While she's having sex.

- Yes, and then he comes down and introduces her to me.

Martin, this is hot, this is hot, this is hot.

Oh, right.

- Adam had a question he wanted to ask you

about your comedy.

- Yeah, I've been shopping at the bits to ask this one.

I've been thinking about it all week.

Norm told me to come up with some questions for you

and I've just been dying to know.

Where do you get your ideas from?

(whistling)

Oh, I mean.

You know, we have some news stories here.

I just wanted to cover,

let's see what's in the news actually.

We got this one here, the international news.

We have a new pope and--

- How about all that crap made about that?

- What crap?

- With the black smoke and the white smoke

and the millions of people.

I know the last thing the cardinal asked is,

okay, before we elect the new pope,

everyone raise your hand and we'll list it again.

Unanimous!

I would like to see this.

I brought this clip, run it.

This is how I would like to see the election of the pope.

- The election of the pope?

- Yes, run it.

As, here it is.

- Well this isn't the--

- No, this isn't it.

Oh, there it is.

There's the crowd, now watch.

Watch.

All right, the door's gonna open.

And there's the pope, there's the pope.

- That's not the pope.

- That's the pope.

- We should explain to the folks

that that was Michael Jackson.

- Let's explain, yeah, explain who Michael Jackson is

to the people.

- Everyone knows Michael Jackson, what, he retarded?

- Did you see Latoya kicked off of

the thing?

- Yeah, two weeks ago.

- I think that if you took all the nose skin

that had been taken off the Jackson's face,

you could make a tarp to cover an infield.

- Why didn't you answer his question?

- What was his question?

- Ask him that.

- Don't ask that again, that was the dumbest

goddamn question I've ever heard.

- You just wanna know where you got it?

- Yeah, well I gotta tell you where I got it at Ralph's.

That's where I got it.

- Any particular Ralph's?

- Yes, no, it's at Beverly Hills Ralph's.

Got it in the meat section.

Beverly Drive, okay.

- This next story, speaking of Ralph's,

- That was sure cut together great, by the way.

You got a crack staff.

Maybe allow the blind man to do other work, okay, then edit.

He should be outside begging for money

so we have more money instead of this.

Did you see this cardboard piece of shit?

- We should explain to the folks.

- I know what's going on.

- That super name is addressing Daniel Kellison,

the producer.

- Ah yes, Daniel Kellison, our trusty producer.

Who I think's done a great job, personally.

- Oh, suck his ass, 'cause you're not coming back

unless you do, okay?

Go ahead.

- Listen, the next story we have is in health news, actually.

No offense, Norm, but I think you should probably

pay attention to this.

Let's take a listen.

- Researchers at Harvard found that one in every 10 US deaths

is a result of too much salt consumption.

- Now I smoke like a chimney.

I'm a terrible-- - You do, really?

- I do, I'm a terrible driver.

I dated some women that probably owned guns.

A lot of things would have to go very, very right

for me to die of salt.

The only thing I can pray for is that I die of salt

and not begging for mercy.

So I think that's nonsense, that people should be afraid

of too much salt.

- Now I know you eat a lot of salt, though, Norm.

We were discussing this earlier.

And...

- You know what it's like?

It's like I'm in a drag race car, and I just left the line,

and I'm told that there's something wrong

with the fucking motor, and I've gotta put

an emergency brake on at 90 miles an hour, okay?

And I'm sliding all over the goddamn track, out of control.

- We're talking about this news--

- All of a sudden, we're doing Meet the Press.

All the humor's gone, everything is gone.

- In all fairness-- - Who gives a shit

if you're, did you show a clip about dying of salt?

- But he had all those jokes for him.

- They're not jokes, they're not jokes.

- No, they're not jokes, those aren't jokes.

- That he has solved trouble with other things,

and if he had salt, you didn't get that part?

- I got some of it.

- In entertainment news--

- This is where he tells jokes.

- No, this isn't really, this isn't jokes.

- They're not jokes, but--

- This is, yeah, we're supposed to do news.

In entertainment news, this is something

you guys both wanted to discuss.

- Get to it.

- Let's roll the clip.

- Oh, not another one.

- Oh yeah, you know what, there is no clip.

We have--

- He said, "Let's roll the clip," and it's a picture.

This show is just so, even the prisoners

are going back to the--

- Well, I'll explain what's going on here.

In entertainment news, you guys know that Jimmy Fallon

is stepping in as the Tonight Show host,

and now--

- We don't know that yet.

- Well, it says it right here on this card,

so it has to be true.

- In all fairness, that's not been announced.

- No, because you could be sued.

- Yeah, you could be sued.

- And from the money I've seen around this show,

you don't wanna be sued, believe me.

I asked, "Can I go get a coffee at Starbucks?"

And they said, "Yeah," and then the guy went like this,

I had to give him money.

(laughing)

And my dressing room is also the makeup room.

- You had a dressing room?

- Yeah, really, why are you surprised?

What do you have, a palace?

- Well, I have a dressing room.

- Oh.

- Conjecture has it that--

- Yeah, conjecture has it.

- That sounds good.

And now there's word that Jay Leno may be moving to Fox.

So, I don't know.

I don't think that'd be good for,

I don't think you'd have good numbers.

- Well, Super Dave has probably been

on all the talk shows for a long time.

- Oh, you must have some great stories.

- He could probably rate the talk show host,

like who is best to his--

- That's a great idea.

Can you do that?

- No, I wouldn't do that.

But I will tell you in the day,

when I was lucky enough to do the Tonight Show

with Johnny Carson,

it meant that if you really killed the next day,

it was spectacular.

And now, it really,

I mean, it doesn't matter anymore.

It really doesn't.

I don't think you get a start anymore on a talk show.

I don't think they have the power anymore.

I mean, Johnny was huge.

- Yeah, you hear about the story.

- Lederer was great.

I'll tell you who I love is Jimmy Kimmel, too.

- Oh, he's great.

- Yeah.

- But you hear about the stories about back in the day,

and the guys, sometimes that's all they cared about

was just getting the okay from Johnny.

They didn't care about anything else.

- Well, he made so many people.

And it was just so much fun to do that show,

to make Johnny Carson laugh.

And Ed was great.

I went out there once, and I gave,

I always brought him a gift.

So I gave a Super Dave wallet,

and I gave Ed a Super Dave wallet.

And Johnny says, "You don't have to do this."

I said, "It's the last time."

I said, "Your stage manager back there said,

"Oh, there goes Mr. Kiss-em-up.

"Give him a gift so you'll be on the best of Carson."

I said, "I am so insulted.

"I am furious."

He said, "Please calm down."

And Ed says, "Hey, there's $10 in here."

And I waited, I said, "You got the wrong wallet."

(laughing)

And it was on the best of Carson.

- You had great advice for Norm

when you did the Conan, remember?

- The Super Dave had, no?

All right, I'm just taking.

- What did I say?

- I thought you--

- Have you seen Splash?

- Splash?

- What is Splash?

- You've seen the show Splash?

- With Daryl Hannah?

- No, it's never--

- It was like from 25 years ago.

- No.

- Let's explain what Splash is.

- It's a reality show.

- Ron Howard, no, I got Ron Howard directed a movie

with Daryl--

- It's a television show.

- Oh.

- Oh, Smash.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, with Susan Sarandon and stuff, right?

- Is it called Splash?

- Or, what's her name?

- Oh, Splash with Louie Anderson.

- Yeah, okay, okay.

Here is how I would promo that show.

- Okay, just to tell the folks.

- No, don't tell the folks.

- Okay.

- It's a show about so-called celebrities diving.

- Oh, you're telling them that.

- Okay, it's a stupid idea.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the greatest basketball player

that ever lived, is diving.

He can bend over and touch the water.

It's a stupid show, okay?

Okay, Louie Anderson is on.

Louie is a tad bit overweight.

I think he's 400 pounds now,

but in a bathing suit, he looks a little heavy.

This is the promo that I would do,

and God help me how they screwed it up.

Here it is.

(crowd cheering)

- Jesus.

(explosion)

(laughing)

- Now that is a show I would watch.

- Good job.

- That's hilarious.

- Good job, everybody.

- That could go viral.

- You made up, I made go viral,

but you made up for the one before that.

- That goes viral, Daniel Kellison makes a lot of money.

- Oh, for my idea?

- Yeah.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, he has a funny story about Louie Anderson.

- No, I don't.

- Yeah.

- No, I, huh?

- The time he tried to--

- Oh, uh, huh?

- You told me.

- You know what's great about you two?

- What?

- You've got great simpatico.

- What's that one?

- Is it spam?

Let's explain what that is.

- You know each other's moves, you're right on it.

There's good chemistry, and I'm sure,

as the show goes on, things will be more comfortable.

- So who is your--

- I can't tell anyone.

- Oh, right.

What happened?

News!

- Oh, news.

- I'd like to go over there and squeeze his head so hard,

I'd like to turn it into a pimple.

- You know, here's one more news story,

and I think you guys will have a good one.

- Get to it!

- We got in sports, Tiger Woods has reclaimed

the number one world ranking since 2010.

- How good is he?

- So, uh--

- He's never won.

- Look at the picture they put up, Tiger and Ewan.

- Oh, there he is.

- Well, that's typical of the media, isn't it?

He's now living with a skater who broke her knee.

- I don't care about that.

Are you a--

- What, you mean Tonya Harding?

- Nancy Kerrigan?

God, you guys go back so far all the time.

- You know what?

- That's what's called a red fox story.

- You institutionalized the two of you,

were you institutionalized?

- A couple times, yeah.

- You've never been institutionalized.

- But I will say this.

- But you put on some weight.

- I know.

- I've never seen you, you're heavier than I am now,

and I never thought I would see you.

- I put on 45 pounds, and it's made me sweat.

- Yeah, I see, it makes you sweat.

- It makes my face turn red.

- You know what was great right before the show went on?

- Too much sugar.

- He laughed at something that I said,

and a thing came out of his nose like the Aga fall.

- No, don't tell people.

- No, I'm not telling them, I'm just telling them.

- But the folks don't know that.

- And we had to bring in a towel to get it off.

- It was a big towel, it was huge.

- I was gonna grab it with my hand.

- It was like the towel they handed Louie Anderson

after that dive, it was a big towel.

- The folks don't even know that.

- I'm not gonna say that ever again, I apologize.

- Don't ever say that again, I mean it's sticky lie.

- Yeah, it really is.

- Okay, go ahead.

- No, I--

- Hold up a sign, dickwad.

(laughing)

News, okay, news.

- Now we're back to news.

- We only have 15 minutes left.

- Okay, good, we're gonna have to do this.

- That was the news story, Tiger Woods is number one.

- He said--

- Oh, we're gonna take a break.

(laughing)

- He just said news.

- He also held up a sign and said take a break.

- Okay.

- Do people know that this is your first talk show?

- Yeah, yeah, you know what, explain to the folks at home,

all honesty, I mean, explain what the show's about

and what's going on.

- Explain what you're doing.

Okay, explain to them.

- Oh, so this is--

- By looking at the camera.

- Oh, this is Norm McDonald's--

- This is Norm's first talk show.

It's like a talk show--

- It's a podcast.

- It's like a talk show that would be,

that you would deliver to millions of people

so the next day they would respond,

except we're reaching about 50.

Most of them are prisoners, some of them are dangerous.

But Norm is an insane talent.

What is that?

What is he saying?

What?

When we come back, we will what?

- Answer your questions.

- What questions?

- For folks at home, you can write in questions.

- Who's gonna add all that they're gonna be fake?

No one's watching this.

- It's possible.

- Is the blind guy writing the questions?

Hey, that editing was beautifully done on the splash.

- You tell him afterwards.

- Oh, I'll tell you afterwards.

- So we'll take a break.

- But this guy is doing a talk show for 22 people.

He should have his own show on a network

and if anybody is listening, put him on a network.

- Oh, that's nice.

- Yeah, that was really nice.

- What about Adam Egan?

- Yes, I like him.

- Oh, shit.

- I swear to God, I think after the show,

a bus is gonna come and take Adam

with a lot of dangerous people back to the home

and he's gonna be sedated

and they're gonna take his balls off.

- We'll be back with questions.

Questions when we come back.

(piano music)

- Do you know how fast you were playing?

Liberace.

Do you remember him?

- Oh, yeah.

- A real man's man.

- What?

- Huh?

- A man's man?

- Yeah.

- Oh, he's saying--

- I'll tell you one thing.

I'll just say two things right now.

I'm just gonna say that are serious.

One, I owe any success I've ever had to Tommy Smothers

as does Steve Martin, as does a number of people.

- Yeah.

- And two, I know you feel this more than as much as I do

is I wanna wish Sam Simon the best

and I know he'll get through this.

I want him to be strong and get through it.

- Yeah, me too.

Don't you think that Tommy Smothers

was kind of underappreciated in comedy terms?

- Beyond belief.

- I mean, yeah.

- And he gave people, he gave young people

with no credibility lives and chances

and he said, "Look, you're either gonna fail

"or you're gonna make it."

And it was his career that was there.

- Yeah.

- And we were just killing, we had just beaten Bonanza

and we got canceled.

- And you were a writer on the show

and they used you in the--

- Yeah, and we won an Emmy for that show

that La Barracci was on.

And then they canceled--

- Why was the name Officer Judy?

- Because we had Judy Collins on the show

and I couldn't figure out a way

to do anything comedic with her.

So she sang a song and then when she came back

for a second song, I thought, how great would it be

if the song started and then the scrim parted

and I was lip syncing her voice.

And it turned out that Tommy had been pulled over

before the show and he had promised me a shot on the show.

And I was Officer Judy.

- That's awesome.

- That's fucking great.

You know, Tommy Smothers,

son-in-law is a porn star?

- Jesus, no, I didn't know that.

- No, it's Dixon.

- Dixon, yeah, of course.

- Well, I think he was.

I don't know.

- And he uses his real name.

- Dick Smothers, that's a great porn name.

- You know what, porn, yeah.

- Yeah, of course, yeah.

- I didn't know that.

- I think we have some questions.

- From who?

- Well, from the seven people watching the podcast.

- Why did he say there's only seven?

- Well, he said seven.

I just thought he didn't.

- I didn't say seven, I said 50.

- All right, well, 50.

- Seven would be bullshit.

- Pulled from the 50 people that are watching.

- Can you tell me what exactly Norm Macdonald's

live is, Andrew Gambino, okay, Norman, tell 'em.

- You just explained it.

- I just explained the whole thing.

- That is true.

- It's a talk show.

It's with a guy that is so funny and so talented

to be on podcasts makes me wanna shh.

- Oh, wait, oh, Super Dave,

can you tell us your favorite joke?

- No, I didn't say Super Dave.

- No, I think these are for the guests, I think.

- No, they're for everybody.

- Oh, they're for everybody.

- Okay, my favorite joke I told on Curb Your Enthusiasm,

but I don't think I can tell you that one.

- Yeah, don't do that one.

Do the joke about the woman and the bus driver.

- I don't wanna do that.

- You don't wanna do that?

- No, I'll tell you later.

That's a great joke.

- That's a great joke.

- That's a great joke.

What, you told y'all, you told y'all.

- Any tips for an aspiring standup, Johnny Crocker asks.

Well, you're the manager of the world famous comedy store.

You can answer this better than anyone.

- Well, I would suggest you come down to the comedy store

on Sundays here.

- Well, who knows where he lives?

- Well, you're shit out of luck.

You moved to LA, come to the comedy store.

- No, be serious.

This guy's asking a serious question.

- I think just like any standup,

you gotta keep going up, going up, and don't give up.

- But don't keep saying going up, be specific.

- All right, you need to go out

wherever you're from locally

and search out where people do standup, coffee shops,

be it comedy clubs, and just keep working.

- And work your ass off and do it.

- Yeah.

- And the more you do it,

the more you'll refine what you do and you'll don't give up.

That is the goddamn key and I'm being serious.

'Cause the first time out, you may bomb.

If you bomb 10 times, start roofing houses

'cause it's not gonna work.

But you know what you've got,

you know what your strengths are.

Go to 'em and let the public decide.

- But I was talking to Adam earlier.

I was saying now they have comedy clubs in every city.

In this city, they have 12 or something.

But when you started, where would you go?

- My start was so weird that it's not worth talking about.

Does Superdape still talk to Fuji Hagahito?

- Oh, Fuji. - Simon!

Look who that is.

- Oh, Simon. - Oh, Simon.

- Simon's watching.

- I love your music.

I'm telling you right now,

you didn't need Garfunkel ever as far as I'm concerned.

But, although "Bridge Over Troubled Waters"

would have been tougher without him.

But no, I haven't talked to Fuji in a long time.

- Fuji was a graphic designer.

And we were doing a show in Toronto

and we interviewed 500 Asians for this part.

And the reason Fuji got it was,

he didn't understand anything I was saying in the interview.

So it was perfect.

He was sensational.

I loved him. - So funny.

- And I would never tell him what we were gonna do.

So when I would drive up, I would say,

"Fuji, what are we gonna do today?"

And we'd go, "Oh."

He was my stunt coordinator.

- And who played this?

- Mike Walden.

He was the greatest. - I love that guy.

- He was the greatest.

- Was he a real sports guy?

- Yes, he did SC football and UCLA basketball.

He was the greatest.

- Yeah, he was amazing.

- We have a Google call coming in.

- Yes, Hal was playing poker with Larry Flint.

- I didn't play poker with Larry Flint.

- No, he didn't play.

- Did you?

- No, I played poker with him.

- Oh, what was it like?

- It was terrible.

- Why?

- Well, because you gotta go to his house and play.

- Oh, there he is.

- Oh.

- Oh, Larry.

Larry, how have you been?

- No, no, this is a Google call.

- Oh.

- Oh, wait a minute.

What answer to the Larry Flint thing?

- Well, okay.

- Did you hear Larry Flint in the middle?

- No, well, I played poker with Larry Flint.

- You went to his house?

- Yeah, and you play seven card stud.

- But could you just turn him around

when he had his hand, look at his hand?

- No, no.

- Why?

- Well, because he's not mentally disabled.

- No, but he's in a chair.

- Yeah, but he's--

- You just whirl him a little bit,

look at the cards, and then go right back.

- No, he has a nurse on each side.

- He did?

- To protect his card.

- Okay, go ahead.

- But you would play and he had all the best

seven card stud players in the world playing that.

- He did?

- Yeah, he plays against the best.

- Did you ever play against Gabe Kaplan?

- Yes.

- Did you beat him?

- No, he's very good.

- He's great, isn't he?

- Yeah, he's great.

So the rule is you can't go to,

you can't leave until Larry Flint stops the game.

- That's so scary.

- And Larry Flint puts, they keep putting drugs in him

to keep him awake, so he can stay awake for 60, 70 hours.

- All night?

- Jesus.

- Yeah, and people will just follow him.

- And you got him, and instead of having to,

with a beautiful lake in him, you got a hustler.

- Yeah.

- Where they're in mud and shit.

- The ladies don't look that good.

- No, they're not that good.

A lot of mustaches and not a lot of trimming.

- No.

(laughing)

Well, we have a Google question.

- All right, go ahead.

What is your name?

- Hey, this is JP, what's going on?

- Hey, JP.

- How are you?

- I'm great, a big fan of all you guys.

- I love you.

- Two out of three, sorry, man.

- Hey, has this show been good or not?

- It's pretty good.

I liked earlier--

- What the fuck are you talking about, pretty good?

How can we do any more?

- What else is on there?

There's nothing else on there.

- What else can we do?

- Do you juggle?

- Yeah, of course I do.

Go ahead.

- All right, Norm, I gotta ask you,

I'm a big fan of SNL.

How did you get the Weekend Update gig?

- Oh, that's an interesting question.

Oh, but it's for you.

- It's for you, yeah.

How'd you get the Weekend Update gig?

- Oh, I got it.

I auditioned for it and then they gave it to me.

- What a great story.

And he said it's pretty good.

What a, how good was that answer?

- Great answer, love it.

- Wasn't it?

- That was good.

- You got like five more minutes to fill, right?

- Hey, here's a clean joke.

It's infantile, but it's, I love it, okay?

- Wait, how does he know we have five minutes?

Is he just backstage?

- Yes, that's the editor.

You took your blind mega.

Okay, listen to me, here are two quick ones, okay?

Shit, I forgot the one.

Anyway, a guy, what are you saying?

- I was just looking at the card.

- What are you talking about?

- I was just looking at the card.

- Yeah, stay out of it.

Okay, guy goes into a bar with a dog.

The guy says, "What are you doing here?"

He said, "I got a talking dog."

He said, "I'll tell you what."

He said, "I'm gonna bet you $10,000."

- $10,000?

- Your dog can't talk.

The guy said, "You got it."

He said, "If he talks, I'm giving you the money.

"If he doesn't talk, you're giving me the money.

"I'm throwing the two of you through that window.

"Go ahead."

So he takes the dog, he puts him on the bar,

he says, "Fido, what's on top of the house?"

Dog goes, "Roof!"

- Wow, that's--

- He said, "What's on top of your mouth?"

He said, "Roof!"

- But that's-- - He said,

"Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

He said, "Roof!"

He takes it to him, he throws it through the glass window.

Guy's laying on the ground, dog gets up,

he said, "You think I should have said DiMaggio?"

(laughing)

- Great start. - That's a good one.

- All right, let's take a break.

- Oh, yeah, you hold up another card,

and I'm gonna take the training wheels off your balls.

You are so old that it's not right.

- Trash talk when we come back.

- Okay, we're back with Adam Egret and--

- Egan. - Egan, rather.

- Guy goes into a dentist's office.

- Yeah.

- Dentist said, "What are you doing here?"

He said, "I think I'm a moth."

- A moth?

- He said, "What?

"I think I'm a moth."

He said, "Well, you have mental problems.

"You need to go see a psychiatrist."

He said, "I know."

He said, "You're in a dentist's office."

He said, "I know."

He said, "What are you doing here?

"Why did you come here?"

He said, "The light was on."

(laughing)

- That's a good joke.

- That's a great one.

- This is the section where we do jokes.

(laughing)

Do you wanna read one?

Just read it into that camera for the folks.

Well, don't read it. - No, no, out loud.

- You have to read it out loud.

- Oh, he didn't.

- Here, you read it.

- All right.

No.

- You don't like that one, do you?

- No, I mean, I like it.

- Do you understand that we're on the air?

- Yeah. - Oh, right.

We all know that the Swiss are officially neutral.

- Who wrote this? - Unofficial.

- Who wrote this?

Who wrote this?

- Well, I screwed up my time.

- Who wrote this?

(laughing)

- We don't have a name on it.

- Who wrote it, Jeff Reiders?

- It's anonymous.

- I think. - I didn't write it.

- I don't wanna say.

- Well, I didn't write that one.

We all know the Swiss are officially neutral.

Unofficially, however, they're filthy sons of bitches.

Now the Swiss think I hate them.

It's great, thank you.

- This one says, "Remember the old days

"when tweeting meant stabbing a hooker?"

(laughing)

- Bob liked that one.

Super Dave, why is there an app for everything

except how to rape a baby?

- Jesus.

- Some gold-plated chains would make a nice retirement gift

for a very, very good slave.

- Are you serious?

- Well, this was written.

- Are you serious?

- This was written years ago.

- Did you just write that?

- I didn't write it.

- Did you just say that?

- No, I read it, yes.

- You read that?

(laughing)

- There was an old, it was written obviously.

- Oh my God almighty, I'm not part of this.

- No, it was written before.

- No, I'm not part of this.

No, you can't read that.

- Well, what about this?

- Go ahead.

- Read this one.

- I can prove God exists if I can just find

that damn receipt from our brunch in heaven.

- That is so funny.

That is so fucking funny.

- Oh, this one's actually topical.

We could nip March Madness in the bud

if we watch for the warning signs

of brooding antisocial February fever.

- Who is writing this?

You're doing this, this is your life.

You're putting your life on,

you dressed like horseshit tonight.

- No, that was out of the,

that was out of the, that was out of the itself.

- I told you to bring a wardrobe.

- Some kind of a host coat.

- But that was out of the itself.

- I think with a hood.

- But that was out of me.

- But then you're reading these, this is you.

- Well, this Lindsay Lohan can't swim a stroke

but she sure knows every dive in town.

- That one I liked.

(laughing)

That was my favorite, I'm keeping this.

- That is a favorite.

Did you write this?

- I didn't write that one.

- Read that one.

- Call me an old softie,

but I'd prefer it if you called me a distinguished gentleman

with a flagging erection.

I don't like that one.

- Read that one.

- Why are you gonna make me read all this?

Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch

in the history of--

- Could you do me a favor?

Can you find out what the traffic's like on the Santa Monica?

Going to the desert, please.

- Do you know the Harlem Shake?

- Yeah, I've seen it on every single commercial.

- You've seen it, then you'll appreciate this joke.

I remember back when the Harlem Shake

was just a black fella holding me upside down

off a fire escape trying to collect his money.

- Can you find out what the quickest way is

to the Santa Monica freeway, please?

- And don't call me again.

- Super day.

- I don't care about anything.

You don't call me again.

There's no last minute fill in, there's nothing, okay?

Thank God we're only reaching 50 people.

- Wait, super day.

- That's all I can tell you.

- Sure junkyard dogs are mean,

but the meanest dogs are generally found

guarding concentration camps.

And it says here, there's a note.

Early versions of the Jim Croce's 1973 smash hit

Big Bad Leroy Brown.

Do you remember that song?

- Tell the people what, tell the people the best.

- No, do you know what you just said?

- It included--

- Do you have any idea what you just read?

- This says--

- No, did you have any idea what you just read?

- That junkyard dogs--

- It was an anti-Semitic joke about the concentration camps.

- No, no, no, no.

Not anti-Semitic at all.

- Oh, what do you mean no, no, no, no, it's Sematic?

- No.

- Well, you know, I know what the problem is.

- Did you write it?

- I didn't write that.

- Who wrote it?

- They used the meanest dogs.

- I don't know who wrote it,

but I think the problem is that some people

might not know what the concentration camps are.

- Concentration camps were found in Poland.

- Oh my God, oh fucking mighty.

Oh my Christ.

- Concentration camps were--

- Please get my nurse, I swear to God,

get her in here right now and reel me away.

- No, try to explain to the folks--

- Do you have too much salt?

- You know what, this is your first show,

and these are the--

- Well, I don't wanna bring up the systemic, you know,

extermination attempt against the Jewry of Europe,

but this says on this piece of paper,

that bad, bad Leroy Brown initially included the line,

meaner than a concentration camp dog,

but Croce decided it was unpleasant to the ear.

And it was also offensive to Jews, Gypsies, and homosexuals.

Little did it matter, Croce would be dead within the ear.

- You know what I'm gonna do tomorrow?

I'm gonna watch the fucking view.

- The view?

- That's what I'm gonna do. - How dare you.

How dare you.

- That's where I'm gonna get my humor from.

- You told me you didn't like the view.

- But I'm watching it tomorrow.

- You told me you didn't like it.

- I never told you that.

- Oh, you like it?

- I told you they're my favorite of all time.

(laughing)

And Barbara Walters is never leaving.

She's 83 and she had chicken pox.

Can you believe that?

- Yeah.

- Wouldn't you have loved to see her in chicken pox?

- No.

- No?

At 83, at night in the lange,

in the negligee coming out of the bathroom.

- Wouldn't you get shingles then?

- No, no, if you get chicken pox, you can get shingles.

But she hasn't gotten them yet.

What a group that is.

- Oh my God.

I heard she got cut.

- How about Kathy Lee and Latoya Hoya, whatever her name is?

- Oh, what is her name?

- And they drink every day on the show.

- Proudly.

They actually went off drinking for a few months

and then they had a big,

read this.

- That's what I'm gonna do right after the show.

- You'll like this one, Superdome.

- Deep Slower.

- Hey, can I tell you something?

This is a bad segment.

Yeah, it is.

You know it is, you know it is.

When you come to goodnight, he says,

"Goodnight, I really enjoyed doing this show.

"I had a great time.

"And I'll see you next week."

- That's a good idea.

- These jokes are so, they're not even,

they're so beyond insultingly awful

that it's not a segment.

Can we start this segment over without the joke?

- No, it's live.

- Yeah, it is live.

- Live on podcast?

- This is live.

- Holy cow.

- Listen to this joke.

- Well, I just wanted to say, no, this is--

- This is right up his alley.

- Yeah, this is just the end of the--

- He might not remember this guy, though.

- No, he'll probably remember.

Deep throat porn legend, Harry Reeves.

Yeah, he died, but how are they gonna close that casket?

I mean, probably 'cause of his erection, I would think.

- How are they gonna close that casket?

That isn't very good, is it?

- I didn't write that one.

- Plus a man died.

- Yeah, a guy died.

- A guy, you know, how are they gonna do it?

- He was a real pioneer.

- I mean, when I was on Saturday Night Live,

they used to do jokes about guys died,

you know, like the crossword guy died,

and he's gonna be buried four down, three across.

And I was like, that seems like, that guy died.

- He died.

- His family might be watching.

- You gotta wait a little bit before you do that.

Harry Reeves just died, he has no family, Harry Reeves.

How can he have family?

- He's very much at home.

- What, is his mother and father proud of him, do you think?

- He's gotta be.

- He was in show business.

- Yeah.

- He put his cock in the sidewalk of Hollywood.

Look at this, look at this hole.

That's Harry, that's Harry.

- What does that say?

- Last joke, all right, so.

- Alfred Norm.

- Oh, yeah, here, that's the last joke.

- Alfred the Great may well,

that's the one you wouldn't do.

- I'm trying to read it, come here.

- Did you read these before he did them?

You're the producer of the show.

All right, do you have one more joke?

- I didn't read any of these, they're his.

- Wait, I didn't write, or, well,

I read the ones you told me to,

but I didn't write any of these.

- Okay, I fell.

- I did not write any of these jokes.

Yeah, here you go, this is the last one we didn't read.

- No, but let you read them, I'll let you read it.

- Call, oh, all right, all right.

Alfred the Great.

- Make Super Dave laugh.

- Super Dave, I just wanted to tell you,

Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch

in the history of England.

The worst, Richard the Goat Fucker.

- I don't think he's gonna laugh, it's like watching--

- I think he's close, hold on, I think he's close.

- It's like watching that golf ball on the edge of--

- I don't understand, I don't understand any of these.

I don't even understand it there.

How you could take a segment to end your first show

when these ratings are so important

and people at home, that guy who wanted to know

how to become a comic.

- Who, J.P.?

- No, the guy--

- The guy who wanted--

- Oh, from The Brighter, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- How can you tell him how to become a comic

when you're reading that?

Would you read that at a comedy store?

- No, I'm ashamed.

- I don't think you would, would you?

What's your best joke?

Do it right now.

We're gonna close this show on your best joke.

- I'm not a comic.

- You are, you've done standup--

- Do it, you've done standup comedy.

- No, I didn't write jokes.

I really didn't write jokes.

- But you've done standup comedy.

What is your--

- Yeah, that's why I don't do it anymore.

- Will you talk to him after the show?

Because you've gotta get this,

there's gotta be, it's gotta be more fluid

when you talk to him, he's gotta come back and--

- I know, that's what I told him before.

I said yes, you've gotta like say yes.

- Yes and no.

- It's gotta be better like ping pong.

- It's always no.

- It's like ping pong.

- I know, but with him it's always no.

With him it's like you hit the--

- No, but he can't do that.

- And then he grabs the ping pong ball.

- I gotta say yes again.

- What's your best joke?

- The problem is I don't have any jokes, I literally have no--

- Say that again, what is your best joke?

- I mean the punchline is--

- It's all right.

- Cunt is in the sink.

- It's okay, that's the joke.

- That's all I know, that's all I got.

- You just wrecked.

- Four people are sitting on a park bench,

a black man, a Jewish gentleman,

a Hispanic gentleman and a bigot.

The black man reaches down, takes a lamp out,

rubs it, a genie comes out.

She said, "My God, I've been in that lamp 2000 years,

"I'll grant each one of you any wish you want.

"What do you want?"

And the black man said, "I want all the black people

"to go back to Africa and live in the beauty of that land,

"peace and harmony, no more poverty, just a great."

Boom, you got it, he disappeared.

"You're next."

Mexican gentleman said, "I would like us all

"to go to Mexico."

Same exact, boom, you got it.

Jewish gentleman said, "I would like us all to go to Israel

"and have no more problem from the Middle East,

"just live in the beauty of that."

Boom, you got it.

Says the bigot, "What's your wish?"

He says, "Let me ask this.

"All the blacks are in Africa, all the Jews are Israel,

"all the Mexicans are Mexico?"

She said, "Yes."

He said, "I'll have a diet coke."

(laughing)

- That's a joke.

- I say, that's funny.

- Yeah, that's good.

- 'Cause it's a diet coke, not a coke.

- No, that's not why.

- That's what I think.

I think that detail makes it very funny.

That's our question.

- Yeah, of course it does.

- But he said it has nothing to do with it.

- Well, he doesn't know.

- Yeah, I clearly don't.

I just read the news.

Oh, bye.

- Wouldn't you like to take his hand and break it?

Yeah, and if yours just went like this.

(laughing)

Wouldn't you like to take his hand and break it

all the way down to the arm?

- That's Daniel Kellison.

- I love him.

- Diamond Danny.

- All right, we have to leave, but thank you.

- Hey, great talking to you.

- And thanks to you, great guest.

- Good luck with this, Danny.

- Super Dave Osborne.

Yeah.

- Good luck with this.

- Thank you.

- Talk to him.

On the way home, you gotta talk to him about everything.

- Yeah, I know.

- Okay?

- I will.

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