Nobodies (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Nobodies - full transcript

(TRAFFIC SOUNDS)

Paul, tell Hugh not to go back to LA.

You know, I think it's wonderful.

This is the golden age
of television, Hugh.

You know, 20 years ago,
they thought TV was moribund

and film is where one had to go

to truly express themself
as an artist.

But here, I find myself in Toronto

shooting "Elastic Girl"
with the surprisingly

inelastic Reese Witherspoon.

And by that, I mean
I find her rigid, inflexible,



totally resistant to my direction.

In fairness, I did ask her
to hang off the side

of a Boeing 737 as it took off...

Perhaps she was concerned
for her own safety,

I can see that now.

But in my own defense,
the stuntwoman they sent me

was a squat little woman

with the arms and back
of a stonemason.

What was I to do?

So I envy you, Hugh,

and this exciting television
pilot you've got going.

You know, it's funny,
the whole thing started

as a joke, and now
I'm genuinely excited

to hear what the network has to say.



'Cause I think we wrote
a great script.

- You're so cute.
- Mmm.

Who are they thinking of for Larry?

- What do you mean?
- Like, who's gonna play Larry?

Larry.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That's... That's a choice.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Oh, God!

Whew, God, that's really funny.

- Mmm.
- Mmm!

- Nice. Just a splash of orange juice.
- Yep.

Everyone else does just
a splash of champagne.

- That's pointless.
- That's disgusting.

I'm not a child,
I don't need a cup of juice.

Okay, what movie should we watch?

Oh, why don't we watch
a movie starring

our neighbor Mark-Paul?

- Ooh!
- What's it about?

Well, there's this one
where he switches places

with his dad, so it's like
he's the dad and the dad's him.

That sounds stupid.

It is stupid, that's the point.

- But he's very cute in it.
- Yeah.

Hey, monkey, I think
we need some salty stuff.

Chips or pretzels?

- Why "or"?
- Okay.

So, speaking of our neighbor,
how was tennis?

It was nice. He's, um, very nice.

- Rachel?
- What? He's nice.

I think you gotta go for it.

Well, he's sexy, and cute,
and travels to exciting places.

I could see him one day just
whisking you away to Ibiza.

Right, that's perfect
for a working mom.

(SCOFFS) Oh, my God.

- What?
- You're doing that thing

where you're already figuring
out why this isn't gonna work.

No, you did it with Hugh.
"Oh, I work with him."

You did it with me, "Oh, you're gay."

Like, what if there's a scenario

where this guy's lucky to be with you?

Okay, let's say...

Let's say we did go out
on a date, right?

I mean, everyone would just be like

"Eww, who's that?"

Like I'm his assistant or something.

Well, stop dressing like a secretary.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, does that
need to be on the bed?

Oh, Izzy's bone?

No, I was talking about Rachel.

Do you know who you remind me of?

- Who?
- Bert from Bert and Ernie.

- Wanna know why?
- Not really.

'Cause Bert's a bummer
and you're a bummer.

- Mm-hmm. You're drunk.
- Gettin' there.

Don't you have work to do? Aren't
you turning in a script tomorrow?

Actually, we finished it
on Friday and it is so good.

I'm telling you, we're gonna
be your star clients.

Oh, I could finally drop
that deadweight JJ Abrams.

Okay, can we stop talking about work?

As someone who doesn't work,
it's very annoying.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye, Bert.
- Bye, Betty Ford.

♪♪

So you flew all the way
to Toronto just for the weekend?

Uh, I was there for about 23 hours.

That's kind of a big gesture.

It's like, the kind of thing you do

if you're gonna propose to someone.

I'm not proposing to someone.

You're sure Sam didn't think
you were gonna propose?

'Cause... if you keep flying
to Toronto, she will.

Well, I'm not gonna keep
flying to Toronto.

Mmm.

- Hey!
- Hey, what're you guys doing here?

- What do you mean?
- I-I turned the script in. You're done.

Right, but don't we need
to wait for notes from CBS?

No, no, no, no. I'm gonna do that.

I'm gonna take care of all that stuff,

so you guys can just...
you can go home.

Larry, we're not gonna make you
do it by yourself.

- So what'd you do this weekend?
- What do you mean?

I don't know...
You know, I did nothing.

It's the weekend, you know?
I didn't do anything.

Why don't we, uh, just dive right in

and, um... Oh, Jesus Christ...

we'll just, um, let's work,
let's just get to work.

What work? What is
the matter with you?

There's nothing the matter with me.

Are you nervous about our script?
They're gonna love it.

I know they're gonna love it.
They're gonna love our script.

And I'm gonna go do
executive producing work.

Okay? Budgets. And I'm gonna do that,

uh, right now.

He's just nervous.

Which one of you is Rachel?

Oh, I am.

Ooh! What is this?
What's the occasion?

I don't know.

Aww! Mark-Paul invited me
to dinner tomorrow night.

And so now what do you do,
you send him

a bouquet of flowers to let him know

whether you're going?

Roses, "Yes, I'll be there."

Violets, "No, I will not be there."

That's so funny.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh.

(HUGH) Hello?

Hi, this is Antonia calling

from Kevin Thune's office at CBS.

Oh, uh, hi, yeah.

- We're just gonna get Larry.
- (ANTONIA) Great.

He... Oh.

Are you okay? Yeah.

- CBS is on the phone.
- What?!

What did they say?
Did you talk to them?

'Cause I should talk to them.
It's chain of command.

I talk. Aye, aye, captain.

They're on speaker phone for ya.

(ANTONIA) Hi.

Hi, uh, th... This is Larry.

(ANTONIA) So Kevin's wanting to set up

a notes meeting here today at 4:00 pm?

Great. Larry will be there.

Actually, Kevin requested
for all the writers to be there.

Uh-huh. Great.

So we'll see you at 4:00 pm?

Hello?

Uh, yes, you will see us at 4:00.

Okay, great, thank you.

Thank you.

What is wrong with you?

I have to get ready for the meeting.

♪♪

(BREAKS WIND)

♪♪

Normally, we wouldn't drag
you guys down here,

we'd just do this over the phone.

But we value our relationship
with Melissa McCarthy.

- And her husband Ben.
- Sure.

And we want this pilot
to be done right.

Absolutely. Totally get it.

We really didn't like the script.

Didn't?

- We did not like the script.
- No, we didn't.

♪♪

There's nothing edgy in here.
The characters are bland,

they're nearly indistinguishable
from one another.

They're too polite, there's
no conflict between them.

In comedy, you need conflict.

You need flawed characters.

Everyone can't just be nice.

Um, I'm sorry, even the father-in-law,

you-you thought he was nice?

Y-Yes, that's exactly what
they just said, okay?

So let's just take the note

and we don't have to be so defensive.

I'm not being defensive, I'm confused.

For example, this scene between

Curtis and Larry on page...

Nope, you know what? We get it.

And we don't need to hear it
because it's very clear

and we got the note
and we hear the note.

Can I please see a script...
You've seen the script!

My God! How much more

of these people's time
do we need to take?

Thank you very much.
It's a wonderful note.

And we will address them,
and it will be easy.

It's not easy.
You only think it's easy

because you've never done it before.

Easy is writing a cartoon about farts.

Well, it wasn't about farts.

But it was called "The Fartlemans"?

And they farted a lot.

Yes, that... That's true.

Okay, the point is you've
never written for primetime.

Uh, I-I-I actually have.

Um, yeah. I-I-I wrote on
the MTV Movie Awards.

The, uh, patters.
Like, the funny banter

that the celebrities have,
that was me.

You guys are clearly in
over your heads

and we don't have time
for you to figure it out.

So we're gonna bring in a showrunner.

And what does a showrunner do?

They run the show.

So then what would we do?

Whatever the showrunner says.

Uh-huh.

You know, I actually think
this could be good.

Uh, were we in the same meeting?

Sometimes you gotta look
at the big picture, okay?

We weren't fired. They're
still gonna make the pilot.

They even said this is
an important project for them.

This is exciting.

- What?
- Larry, they basically just told us

we're terrible writers.

What did that lady say
about the Curtis scene?

- Let me look at the sc...
- It doesn't matter what she said.

This is the past. We have to
look toward the future.

Larry, let me see the script.

In football, when you
throw an interception,

they tell you you gotta
forget about it

and move onto the next play.

Great, I don't care what
they say in football.

- Give me the script.
- No!

I think we never look
at this script again.

Because it's-it's behind us.

We forget about it.
Was it good? Was it bad?

- Who cares?
- I care, Larry.

Go get... Bye! Time to go, okay?

Because this is...
I'm burying it, okay?

It's done. Now, good-bye. Go.

Uh, Rachel, we should
take note of this moment.

It's the moment when Larry
went fully crazy.

Hello.

I mean, in a million years,
I could not have predicted

that that would be their reaction.

The one thing I always
thought I'd be so good at

is writing sitcoms.

I mean, that was literally
all I watched as a kid.

I think I just needed
the distraction, you know?

'Cause my mom was in
the hospital so much.

Oh, right. Jesus.

I was such an anxious kid, you know?

So it was like seeing these families

and their silly problems
and everything got solved

in 30 minutes?

That was like, heaven.

You're not gonna want
to hear this but they...

They did a study that proved
that people who watch sitcoms

are more depressed after
having watched the sitcom

than if they had never
watched a sitcom at all.

Okay, so then what's your excuse?

'Cause you're the most
depressed person I know,

and you don't watch sitcoms.

I'm not depressed for no reason.

I'm depressed because evidently,

I don't know what's good.

I mean, I obviously don't know
what's good in a script.

I don't know how to write.

I don't know how to do any of it.

I don't know why I'm still trying
to make it in this business.

Okay, so what would make you happy?

No, I'm serious. Like, like,
when you shut your eyes,

what do you see? Where are you?

♪♪

(LOIS) Hugh!

♪♪

That's it? You just sit around

a bookstore all day reading?

No customers. You don't need

to make money, you're just all alone?

Yeah, I'm all alone.

That's what would make you happy?

Yeah, uh, that and another drink.

- You wanna get another drink?
- No, I'm good.

You're gonna think I'm crazy,

but maybe Larry's right.

You mean the man who threw himself

into a garbage can an hour ago?

I'm serious. We need to look
toward the future, you know?

Just throw that football
down that field

and catch it or...
intercept it or... whatever.

What do you say? You with me?

I'm with you, Knute Rockne.

(LARRY)
So how we feeling this morning?

I think I feel very badly

about falling apart after
the meeting yesterday.

I think I was just used to you

falling apart and losing your mind.

And then when that didn't happen,

I thought somebody needed to do it

or the universe would
collapse in on itself.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry. I really... am sorry.

- Rachel?
- Mmm?

Uh, I don't...

Know what I'm supposed
to be sorry about?

Uh, but I thought you handled
yourself well yesterday.

Thank you. I accept
both of your apologies...

No, I didn't apologize.

You are forgiven, and it is forgotten.

Should we hug? Let's hug.

- Nah.
- Uhh, no, I don't, uh, want to do that.

So do you know when the new
showrunner's starting?

I don't know any more than you do.

So what're we supposed to do?
Just sit here?

(LARRY) I'm gonna get a cup of coffee.

Actually, I'm gonna get myself
a cup of hot chocolate

because I deserve it.

Let's not just sit here,
Let's, um, let's start.

Where's your computer?

Uh, I didn't bring mine

'cause I thought he'd bring his.

Well, see if Larry has his.

Let's do something.
I don't want to sit here.

Um, okay...

Oh, eww, what if there's
like, weird porn on it?

Larry would not have weird porn.
He would have typical porn.

Okay. What's this?

It's the script.

No, it's not our script.

(HUGH) What the hell is this?

Whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no!

- Don't look at this! This is not for you!
- What is this?

- This is for me!
- What is it?

What is this?

I have... a minor confession.

I, um, made some changes
to the script before

we sent it to CBS.

A few changes? 'Cause it looks like

you rewrote the entire thing.

- That script was not good.
- What are you talking about?!

To my family.
It was mean, it was hurtful.

And these are real people,
and they said you can't do it.

So what am I supposed to do,

not change the script
and lose my family?

That's what you want?
You want me to lose my family.

You are such an asshole.

I am not an asshole!

(HUGH) Oh, now it makes sense.

They didn't hate our script,
they hated your script.

Why didn't you just talk to us?

I don't know. I was scared
of what you would say

and I was scared
of what Jen was saying.

And it was just
an impossible situation

and I did the best that I could.

It's an impossible situation
you put yourself in

when you pitched a show
based on your actual life.

I didn't think about that.
I just wanted to sell a show.

So correct me if I'm wrong,
we now have to write

a funny show about your family,

but we can't say anything
funny about your family?

Yes, that is the impossible
situation we find ourselves in.

But I think with you two,
it's a possible situation.

You guys wanna hug?

- No.
- No.

Maybe I, um, should maybe
apologize to you guys now.

No!

What would you have to
apologize to us for?

"Tans easily." Really?

(SIGHS) The best poké
you will ever eat.

Oh, and it's the only
poké I will ever eat.

Kidding.

Sorry we didn't go
to a fancy restaurant,

I just... I don't drink, you know?

So it's kind of a bummer.

No, I don't drink either.

So this is way less
of a bummer for me,

'cause it's always such
a bummer when I...

go to a fancy restaurant. (SIGHS)

How was work?

Oh, um, today wasn't so great.

But it'll be fine.

I'm sure it'll be great.
You're so funny.

What? Oh, my God.
I feel like I never say

anything funny around you,
I'm always so nervous.

(SIGHS)

Are you nervous now?

Oh, my God. Now I'm like sweating.

(LAUGHING) Very nervous!

- Oh, God...
- What is that?

Oh, um, this is my mom's.

She passed away.

My mom passed away when I was 12.

I was 13.

- I'm sorry.
- You too.

- (MAN) 54?
- That's us.

- Oh, that was quick.
- It's raw fish.

- Right.
- Right.

- (MURMURS)
- (CHUCKLING)

Thank you.

Excuse me, Mr. Gosselaar?

Oh, well, that's formal.

Hi.
- Hi. Uh, could I have a picture with you?

- Sure, absolutely.
- Thank you.

(MARK) Oh, look at you, prepared.

(FAN) Yes.

- There we go.
- Thank you so much.

- Thank you. Have a good night.
- You too.

- Sorry about that.
- Oh, God, no. That's fine.

It's a little weird,
but I'm sure my ego

can handle one pretty girl
asking for your photo.

I'm so sorry. This is my girl Gemma,

she's getting married next week
and she is so in love with you.

- Oh...
- I'm in love with you too.

(WOMAN) We're all in
love with you, Mark-Paul.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Can we get a picture?

Absolutely, of course.
Congratulations!

- Thank you.
- She's not married yet.

Uh-oh... Ehh...

Would your assistant take the picture?

- Oh, that's not my assistant.
- What is she?

- Well, actually, we're...
- No, it's fine.

I'll... I'll take it.

(WOMEN GIGGLING) Cute phone case.

I have one... like it
on my bathroom floor.

One, two, three. (SHUTTER CLICKS)

Can you take one more? A sexy one?

Sexy one...

Seemed kind of sexy in that last one.

(SHUTTER CLICKS RAPIDLY)

Okay, I took a burst so...

- Good to go.
- All right.

- Thank you.
- Thank you. Good luck.

Go get 'em! Excuse me.

Uh, excuse me, actually, can you,

uh, take a photo of us?

Oh.

Maybe, uh, maybe we use
that as a background.

Would you stand right here? Okay.

Then, uh, yeah.

Here we go.

One... two...

♪♪

♪ Just another day ♪

♪ Just another day ♪

♪ Just another day ♪

♪ Lost in the city of angels ♪

♪ Just another day ♪

♪ Just another day ♪

♪ Just another day... ♪

Please tell me you got that.

Oh, hey, look who's home

just in time not to put
the kids to bed.

Ah, sorry about that.
It was a long day.

But I think, maybe, a good day.

Where's Jen?

I told Jennifer that
she needed a night off,

so she went out
with one of her girlfriends.

Huh. That was nice. Thank you.

Mind if I... I'll just...

Sit. Here.

Um, I do wanna let you know

that I fixed all the stuff
that Jen was so upset about.

And I think it might actually
turn out to be pretty great.

You know, a network sitcom
is a pretty big deal.

And I still can't believe it,
but I'm gonna be starring in it.

And that's... That's gonna
be some serious income,

and I'm gonna finally
be able to provide

for Jen and the kids
in the way that they deserve.

And, um, you know,
I definitely appreciate

all that you and Mary Ellen
have done and continue to do.

And I-I know I don't say that enough.

But, um, thank you. Very much.

And, you know, we're family.

And we'll always be family.

And, um, I love you.

What do you want me to do now?

Put my dick in your mouth?

Jesus Christ.

I just don't get it.
I mean, how would it

ruin Larry's marriage for him to
be the star of a network sitcom?

(GRUNTS)

Have I just been bitching
about Larry all night long?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Larry's here.

There's his wife, right over there.

She's looking rather sexed up tonight.

Must be date night.

See? Date night!

His marriage is fine.

Who's that guy?

Not Larry.

Ahh, that explains why
she's so sexed up tonight.

She's having an extra marital affair.

♪♪