Nobodies (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Nobodies - full transcript

Previously on Nobodies...

We're pitching our movie tomorrow.

So, did Melissa say
she wants to be in it?

Ah... no

This picture was taken the same day
you said Melissa was in the bathroom.

The three of you will never
work in this town again!

We're going to destroy you.

Do you think Gavin called
Ben and Melissa, directly?

Oh my God.

Everyone thinks that Melissa
is the actor in the family.

I'm so flattered that you would think
of me, to play Mr. First Lady.



What about you, Davidson?
Single guy, huh?

Have you ever had sex with Rachel?

Hugh, look, I, uh, I like you.

Obviously. I mean, it's...

why I keep having sex
with you sometimes.

But, um, I mean,
we've talked about this.

I have a daughter and we work together

and it's just... it wouldn't...

(cell phone ringing)

(ringing resumes)

Oh, Hugh, again, really?

Oh.

Hey, Michael.

Hey. Sorry to bother you at work.



Listen, do you think
we can swap weekends with Lois?

Uh, yeah.

She has a play date
with Mila on Saturday,

but I can probably move it.
Why, what's up?

Ethan got us tickets to "Cavalia:

The Arabian Horse Experience."

Are you kidding me?

Michael, those tickets are like $1,000.

Yeah, they're a lot more than that

if you want to meet the horses after,

- which we're gonna do.
- It's gross!

He's trying to be
like this super stepdad

and buy her affection and it's tacky.

- Is that Rachel?
- Was that Ethan?

What'd he say? I heard my name.

He literally said, "Is that Rachel?"

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.

He got Lois diamond earrings

for her birthday, Michael.
Real diamond earrings.

- I don't have real diamond earrings.
- That's just sad.

You're a grown woman.

You should have some
real diamond earrings.

Maybe I'll marry a rich,
gay Hollywood agent

- and he'll buy me a pair.
- Okay, Rachel,

having all this money is not easy.

I can't even say it
with a straight face.

It makes everything weirdly easy.

Oh, so can you bring Lois Saturday?

(beeping)

Ugh.

- What?
- (muffled) Is she being difficult?

- What, she doesn't want to drive here?
- Ethan.

- Is it too windy?
- Stop.

Is she still afraid
of The Hollywood Bowl?

- Just...
- Uh, yes.

Um, Saturday I will definitely
bring her, no problem.

And by the way, tell Ethan that I'm not
the only one afraid of The Hollywood Bowl.

Lots of people are afraid
of The Hollywood Bowl

'cause it is a nightmare.

- Everybody's afraid of the...
- No, I heard her. It was screechy.

Push! Come on, lower, people!

(coughing)

- Larry, you almost done?
- No.

Okay, remember I brought up the
idea about joining a racquet club?

Can we talk about this later, please?

I talked to somebody there today

and they said now is the time to join.

It's the end of summer.
Rates are lower.

- Can we not?
- It's just so hot and they have a pool

and the kids are so cooped up.

And they've got a great gym.

We're not joining the racquet club.

We don't have enough money.

We'll talk about this later.

Oh, and Jack has a fever. Could you stay
with him while I take Elliot to school?

I can't! I have a breakfast
meeting with Ben Falcone.

- About "Mr. First Lady"?
- No, this is a different thing.

- With Hugh and Rachel?
- No, it's not with Hugh and Rachel.

- Daddy!
- I don't do everything with them.

- Play with me.
- Oh, honey, Jack.

Go to Mommy, please. My pores are open,

I'm very susceptible to germs.

Come on, Jack. Come to Mommy, honey.

Oh, honey, can you take him, please?

I love you but I can't hug you.

Jack, come to Mommy!

- Oh, my God, I'm so...
- (Jack) Forget it.

(ringing)

(electronic voice)
Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice-message system.

818-25...

Oh, sorry.

Were you playing basketball?

- What?
- Where's Larry?

I don't know.

Well, have you heard from Ben?
Has he read our script.

I mean, this is crazy.
It shouldn't take someone

that long to read a script.
It's like, hello,

- nothing can happen till Ben reads the script, right?
- Rachel.

- He's the cheese, she's the rat.
- Rachel.

Rachel.

Okay, the rat can't eat
if there's no cheese.

- It's like he's not understanding...
- Rachel, what is going on?

I wake up, you're gone,

and then I call you six times,
you don't pick up your phone?

- Do you want to talk?
- I...

I mean, I don't even know
what we would...

talk about. I mean...

How about, the last time this happened,

you said, "never again."

- Right.
- And then last night out of nowhere,

you threw yourself at me...

Wh-Wh-whoa. Threw myself at you.

- Yeah.
- What are you talking about?

Hugh, I had too much to drink, okay?

I made a bad decision.

That's why people say, don't
have so much to drink, right?

So I won't drink so much anymore.

This won't happen again, we never
have to talk about it again.

Never drink, never make
a bad decision, never talk.

The big three.

What happened? What's going on?

You guys are being weird.

You're mad at me?
Why are you mad at me?

You guys are late all the time,
I don't need the firing squad

because I'm a little later
than normal, all right?

Fine, I went to Beverly
Hills for breakfast.

There you go.

Why would you go to Beverly
Hills for breakfast?

They have great restaurants that I...

and I eat breakfast there.

Who'd you have breakfast with?

It was just me.

Why are we even talking
about every thing

that happens in each of our lives?

- 'Cause we do not have to do that.
- Have you talked to Ben?

Like, this morning.
Did I have breakfast with Ben?

- Wait, you had breakfast with Ben?
- Yeah!

- About our movie?
- We didn't even talk about it.

You had breakfast with Ben Falcone

and you did not talk about our movie?

This was about a different thing.

What different thing?

It doesn't involve you. This is not...

We don't have to... (stammering)

It's too much.

Back off, all right? Thank you.

What are you doing?

I need to eat something. Is that okay?

I didn't eat anything
at my breakfast with Ben.

Everything was so expensive.

I didn't know who was gonna pay for it.

Never eat breakfast in Beverly Hills.

What were you meeting Ben for?

My reality show idea.

That "American Idol"
sketch comedy thing

where the winner goes
on "Saturday Night Live,"

a thing that can never happen

because you have no legal connection

to either "Saturday Night Live"
or "American Idol."

Yes, I'm very aware of that.

That's why I'm trying
to get a celebrity attached

to try to help sell it,

so I asked Ben if he'd
get Melissa involved.

- Oh, my God!
- What?!

What?!

(groans)

Larry, we need Ben and
Melissa for "Mr. First Lady,"

not your stupid reality show
that we're not even a part of.

Is that why you're mad?

Because you're not involved?

What are we, married and not allowed

to do anything on our own?

We're in a cult? Is that what this is?

This is a cult?

Could you take those sunglasses off?

Sure. As soon as you guys
take your bad moods off.

Happy?

This is not my ball.

- It's Hugh's stupid ball!
- I don't want the damn ball!

- Whoa!
- Aah!

Morning, team.

Holy crackers, when did this happen?

Oh.

That must have been a bird or...

Poor little guy.

Well, just wanted to pop in,
see how things are going,

see how the writing's coming.

Uh... we're almost done.

Good, good. Connie will like that.

And I know my favorite thing
in the world

is sitting back with a bag of Cheetos

reading a fresh "Fartlemans" script.

Really?

Hey, Tamara!

Can you call around and get
some quotes on some windows?

Uh, actually, we're on page four,

so not almost done, you psycho.

I didn't know that was gonna happen!

All right, you know what?
What's done is done.

So... has anyone talked to Ben?
Has he read our script?

Are you serious right now?

Why didn't you ask him at breakfast

instead of talking about
your dumb side project?

We're not married.

We're allowed to do other things.

(Rachel) Uhh.

You know what?

I'm gonna eat my lunch in my car.

Good!

Well, this is toxic.

Are you seriously not gonna tell
us what we're doing down here?

I already told you,

I'll tell you when you need to know.

Um... tch-tch-tch-tch.

Cosmetic dentistry.

You think I need veneers

'cause I have giant gaps in my teeth?

Well, veneers wouldn't kill you.

Uh, oh, uh, 402.

Therapy and counseling?

Seriously, you're taking us
to a therapist?

I'm not gonna see a therapist.
This is insane.

I don't think it's insane.

I mean, sports teams see
therapists and we're a team.

We're a team that has massive problems.

Not problems, problem.
You are the problem.

The real problem is how long does it
take Ben Falcone to read a script?

I mean, is he illiterate? I'm
seriously asking that question.

It's absolutely crazy. I mean, he hasn't
gotten back to me about my thing either.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

You know what? I'm glad we're
here seeing a therapist

'cause I need someone to explain to me

why you are so insane.

So much anger.

This is going on your insurance, right?

(beep)

(Hugh) What the hell is that?

Oh, come on. You've never seen that?

You press the button,
a light goes on in his office

and tells him we're here.

Because having an appointment
at a specific time

is not enough to coordinate all this?

It works for all other
businesses, but these people...

This is only gonna work
if you buy into it.

That's a Jim Jones quote.

Is that the coach
of the Dallas Cowboys?

No, that's Jerry Jones and he's
the owner of the Dallas Cowboys.

Jim Jones is a man who
convinced a bunch of people

to kill themselves in French Guyana.

I just got nervous.
Do you think I have time to pee?

I'm gonna go pee.

(sighs)

Rachel, let's talk.

(clears throat)

Really? You're gonna read
"Saveur" magazine

rather than talk about us?

We're not here because of us, okay?

We're here because of work.

So let's just leave it at that.

This always happens to you
when we sleep together.

You freak out, shut down
and won't talk.

"Always happens"? That makes it sound
like we've slept together tons of times.

We've slept together three times.

We slept together four times.

Three.

The staircase in that parking garage.

Oh... Kay.

I didn't count that, but...

Why would you not count it?

I didn't...

(whispers) ... count it.

(soap dispensing)

(toilet paper roll turning)

Larry, I couldn't help but
notice you staring at my shoes.

Hmm?

I wear them because I rescue
abandoned gibbon monkeys.

It's interesting that
you took the chair.

Thank you.

Well, it's not good or bad,
it's just information.

Many times in a polyamorous
relationship,

the more dominant member
will individuate

and set himself apart
from the other two lovers.

- Oh...
- No, no, that's not what's happening.

Yeah, we're not...

We just work together.

And we're friends. That's it.

Well, whether Larry is having sex

with both of you in a dominant way...

(laughs) No, he's not.

But it seems like something
sexual is going on.

I'm definitely picking up
on a sexual energy.

We're not. So...

We're a writing team.

Oh. Again, whether it's sexual,

whether you want it
to be sexual, it doesn't matter.

All relationships are essentially built

on open, honest communication.

Just like a marriage
or a ménage à trois.

Now, Rachel, on the phone,

you said that you were having trouble

working together on your show.

What show is that?

"The Fartlemans" It's a cartoon.

I know "The Fartlemans."
It's one of my favorite shows.

Oh, wow. How old are your kids?

Oh, I don't have children.

Now, Rachel, you mentioned
that the issue

seemed to be one of trust.

That's what you said? Trust?

It's boundary issues.

Dr. Kaine...

I'm not a doctor.

Mr. Kaine,

I did something very innocent.

- (scoffs)
- And then these guys,

- they attack me for it.
- (Rachel scoffs)

Because you did something
monstrously stupid.

That's the attack right there.

It's the name calling,
which is completely unnecessary.

And everyone just needs to back off.

- Who is everyone?
- Them.

- Rachel and Hugh?
- Rachel and Hugh.

Great. We've defined that.

So, Rachel and Hugh...

And my wife and my kids.

And it's just everyone wants something

and then I just let them down.

I try to do something
and it's never enough.

But that's a separate thing.

And that's another...
That's not why we're here.

Why we're here is because of them

and that's the issue, these people.

You can ask them a question now

- 'cause you asked me a question.
- Right.

- And I answered the question.
- Mm-hmm.

- And that was my end of the bargain.
- Mm-hmm.

And now it's their end of the bargain

because it's their turn.

Great.

Rachel, I'll start with you...

Do you want to know
what makes me so mad?!

These two people right here
are the most selfish people

I have ever met in my entire life.

Have either of them
ever bothered to say,

hey, Larry, yeah,
it must be tough for you

to be the sole provider for a wife

who wants a pool and two kids

who are always getting sick
and if things go bad,

I have to call Jen's dad
because she doesn't do it

even though it's her father, so
I'm the one that's gotta do it,

which makes absolutely no sense,
'cause she's had a relationship

with this man for her entire life

and I... We have a very frictiony
relationship and that's...

I'd love to get into that one.

So, I'm the one
who had to call up and say,

hey, Curtis, this is not a big deal.

This is just a no-big-deal
conversation.

I'm the guy that married your daughter

even though I can't seem
to support her,

but can I borrow $32,000

because we have a tree in the
front yard that has a fungus

and the guy said that it can
fall on our house at any moment

or it can fall on a neighbor's house,

which is just as bad because
I'd have to pay for that.

I have sick kids and now
I have a sick tree.

It's a lot of pressure on me,

so I'm very sorry if these people,

they don't need as much
irons in the fire as I do

because I can't rely on "Mr.
First Lady" happening,

because guess what. "Mr. First
Lady's" probably not gonna happen

because Ben Falcone is too lazy
and too stupid to read it.

I'm sorry, you were about
to ask them a question.

So, I know whose turn it is now.

Well, I would think
after all of that, Larry,

it would be anybody's turn but yours.

Rachel? You?

Is there anything that you
would like to share with Larry

that he doesn't know about?

No.

Okay. Hugh?

No. Um, we're just...

three people that work together and...

none of us are having sex
with each other.

I feel like there's a sexual
tension somewhere in here.

And I don't think it's...

I don't think it's coming from me.

Although I can't be sure.

That was kind of a quiet car ride.

Was it because I called
you guys selfish?

You're mad at me because I said

you're the most selfish
people I ever met?

No one's mad at you, Larzy.

I do think that we forget

that you're under a lot
of financial pressures.

Good thing about being
in the kids business

is it's the only steady work
in the entertainment industry.

Which, of course,
is why it's not considered

part of the entertainment industry.

We're getting fired?

I don't think so, but I don't know.

I do know that we are way over budget.

I thought you just told us

that we're number one...

- ... with boys two to...
- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Two to six.
- ... two to six.

And believe me,
I brought that up to Connie.

When you guys miss your
deadlines, it costs us money.

And that's all that Connie cares about.

But I do know she's talking about going

from three writers to two.
I don't know.

- What does that mean?
- What can we do?

In the short-term, you guys have
to catch up on these scripts.

- Yes.
- Fine, fine.

And in the long-term,
maybe think about who you lose,

should it come to that.

I mean, you can't lose you.
He's the brains.

And Rachel writes all the girl parts.

And Larry...

I don't know what Larry does.

So my gut says lose Larry.

Oh, that's attractive.

Oh, let's get to it.

(Rachel) Ah... Skippy Fartleman was
in detention with Principal Butts.

What are you doing?

I'm writing Ben.

I can't wait anymore.

Are you that busy, Ben? Really?

Did you hear anything
that Allen just said?

Uh, yes, I did, Hugh, and what I heard

was that these jobs are not
as stable as you said.

Well, so now you're just taking
your balls into your own hands?

What?

That is not an expression.

- Well...
- (phone ringing)

Ben Falcone.

Hey, Ben, you're on speaker
with Rachel, Hugh and Larry.

Hey, gang, sorry it took me
so long to get back to you.

No, no, no, no. Take your time.

- It seemed fast.
- Well, first things first.

I just have to say I laughed
my itty-bitty nuts off

reading your movie.

It's so funny, you guys.

- Oh. - Oh.
- Thanks, Benji.

I do have one thought, though.

Tell me if you think this is too crazy,

but what if Melissa plays
the role of the president.

Guys?

- Are you there?
- Uh, yeah.

Uh, hmm, Melissa McCarthy
as the president.

Hmm, interesting. Um...

Or not. I mean, it might be weird.

I just sort of thought maybe
it would help it get made

and it might be fun, but, um,

if you don't think
she's right for the role...

No, no, no. Yes, yes on Melissa.

Great idea, perfect idea.

- Yay Melissa!
- Okay, great.

Well, I will let you ding dongs
get back to cartoon town.

Oh, hey, Ben, real quick.

Um, um, this is Larry here.

Yeah, I know.
I recognize your voice, bud.

Uh, just, uh, wanted to
take your temperature

about my reality show idea
that we talked about before.

Oh.

That's like ice cold, buddy.

Uh-huh.

That's like a dead body.

Yeah, yeah, got it, okay.

Um, all right. Bye, gangers.

(all) Bye.

He doesn't want an easy million bucks,

he doesn't want an easy million bucks.

But we got Melissa!

(cheering)

Girl.

(door opens)

Ben, you ready?

Oh, I love your shoes.
I have the same pair.

Oh, thank you.

I have another pair that
goes just above the knee.

"As Pooper walks in the dog house,

we fade out."

Mmm.

You'd really think these things

- would be easier to wrap.
- (Rachel laughs)

I still can't believe that
our insane plan is working

and we are maybe gonna
get Melissa McCarthy

to be in our movie.

It's crazy.

We're drinking the champagne?

Wait, I thought we were saving that

for when there was something official

like we were gonna sign
contracts or something.

I'm not gonna open it.

I just want us to take a moment

to realize how close
we are to opening it.

I mean, the three of us are very close

to drinking something none
of us enjoys the taste of.

Mm-hmm.

Now, who feels like staying late

and knocking out another
"Fartlemans" script? We're on a roll.

That or we can go down the hall and
murder Connie. I'm up for either one.

I would, but I am definitely
getting sick.

And I have Lois and my
nanny has something,

but we'll do it tomorrow.

You know what? I'll do one on my own.

- Really?
- Yeah.

No, no, we write everything together.

Uh-uh, go.

- You guys have got lives and families.
- I'll do it.

(coughing)

(Rachel) Okay, well,
don't work too hard.

But work hard enough where
you do all our work for us.

You got it, Lar.

(door closes)

Hugh.

I just want to thank you
for not saying anything,

you know, when we were at the...

Blaine Kaine's office.

The esteemed non-doctor Blaine Kaine.

It's just we work together
and I have a kid and...

I get it.

I do.

I mean, you have your concerns.

I have none of those concerns, but...

I respect your concerns.

So we're good?

Yes, we're good.

I mean, we're in a
polyamorous relationship,

nonsexual, with Larry Dorf.

That was always my dream growing up.

- (laughs)
- What...

- What are you doing?
- I'm trying to wink.

That's winking?

I don't know how to wink.

Uh, all right.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

All right.

♪ What flies ♪

♪ Never goes down ♪

(door closes)

"Interior: Skippy
Fartleman's tree house."