No Good Nick (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Bank Job - full transcript

Hey, kiddo. Thanks so much for coming.

You know, it really means a lot.

I'm here. What do you want?

I just... I wanted to get the chance
to apologize in person.

Great. You've apologized. Are we done?

Wait, come on, Nick.

You're all I've got.

Yeah, I messed up big time.

But...

I borrowed that money for our future.

You borrowed it from the mob.



How was that giving us a future?

You could have at least told me.

I thought we were in this together.

I was trying to protect you.
You're just a kid.

Oh... so I'm too young to know the truth,

but I'm not too young to lie, cheat
and steal from the Thompsons.

Well, I'm not doing it to them anymore.

They're good to me.

I'm sorry.

You're right and I...

I wish you didn't have to do any of this
and...

I know how disappointed
you must be in me.

Yeah.

I am.



I promise I will never lie to you again.

Then tell me how much money you owe.

Not that much.

-I'll see you later.
-$100,000.

What?

What about all the money I've been paying?

The money I'm delivering this week.

It's just the interest.

I'm sorry. We...

We haven't even made a dent.
But that's my problem. Not yours.

I'm pretty sure that when you borrowed
this money and put your life in danger...

it became my problem.

If you pay it back...

they'll leave you alone
and you'll be safe?

Okay, then I'll get the money.

Wait, whoa, whoa, no.
You could get in real trouble.

I... I can't let you wind up like me.

Absolutely not. I forbid it.

What are you going to do? Ground me?

P.S...

I love you, Dad.

Mmm, protein bars for breakfast.

Just like the pilgrims used to do.

Seriously though, what's the deal?
Where's the bacon?

My Top Chef audition is in a few weeks and
I'm using every spare moment to practice.

Oh, look. Dad cooked.

So, Molly...

do you have any tests or quizzes
in school today?

No, it's kind of light today.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes, because it's Take Your Daughters
and Sons to Work Day at the bank.

Oh.
I just remembered, I do have a test.

Two of them.
There's an assembly. It's mandatory.

Well I thought you might try that,
which is why I didn't give you any notice.

Why can't you just take Jeremy?

He has a test in every subject today.

Which, now that I say it out loud,
does sound suspicious.

Oh.

Man, my head is burning up.
I think I have a fever.

My appendix!

Yeah, it's on the other side.

Every year, you try to get out of this,

but, this year,
I need to kiss up to my boss.

She is really into this day
and I'm really into getting a promotion.

You can't do this.
Mom, tell him he can't do this.

Sorry. We're beta testing your father
as lead parent today.

Come on, remember how much fun you had

that time we let you stack
$100 dollar bills into $10,000 bundles?

Ooh, can I come?

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

I didn't think of inviting you, but yes,
yes, a thousand times yes, you can come.

No, Nick, save yourself.

But I've been thinking
about going into finance.

And learning about the inner workings
of a bank is like a dream come true.

Huh.

Fine. If Nick's going to be there,
I guess I'll go be miserable, too.

That's the spirit!

Oh, hey, Dad. Sorry about today.

So many tests.

Save it. The girls are both going.

- You don't have to.
- Sweet!

Mom, we need to talk.

Don't startle me during knife time.

Look, you said
you needed to think about the file.

It's been two weeks.

Enough procrastinating.

What are we doing?

Well, I have been thinking about it,
and it's got to be a mistake.

I mean, everything is going so good
in the family right now.

What's the point in poking the bear?

So the bear doesn't move into your house
and eat all your porridge.

Have you ever read Goldilocks?

By the way, how did you get the state
record office to send you Nick's file?

I told them I was Dad.

That's illegal.

It's a gray area.

What's important is,
the girl in this photo isn't Nick.

And if she isn't Nick,
then who's living with us?

I know, you're right. I'll talk to her.

Hey, sweetie, I really hate to ask and
it's not that we suspect you of anything

or that we don't trust you--

Okay, that doesn't sound good.

I'm so sorry, but do you know why
your file has a photo of this girl in it?

Oh, yeah, that's me.

Before the... reconstructive surgery.

Kidding.

Come on, Nick. I'm just
trying to get to the bottom of this.

I don't know.

I'm not in charge of the file.

Call Dorothy when Social Services opens.

But I'm me.

Have been for the last 14 years.

Okay. I'll call her
and straighten all this out.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Dorothy, it's me.

We have a Code Liz.

Here it is, ladies.

This is where the magic happens.

The magic of compound interest.

Ooh, there's my boss.

Helen, look,
I brought two kids this year.

Okay, look,
I know you think today is going to be fun,

but you're wrong.

And I have got a way out.

If we complain enough,
Dad will take us home early.

One year, he even took me to a movie,
all because I cried.

You can make yourself cry?

Yeah. I just need to think
of the saddest thing in the world.

A newly-orphaned wolf pup
crying out for its mother.

Or being in this bank.

Attention, kids.
We're going to start the tour.

That's the spirit.

This is an automated teller machine,
or ATM machine for short.

Yes, Nick?

All the money that comes out of an ATM,
how did they get it in there?

Great question.

Once a week, a special security officer
loads it with 80 Gs of crisp new bills.

The more questions you ask,
the longer this is going to take.

So where does this security officer
come from?

Probably the armored truck service.

What day of the week do those come?

Hmm. Not really sure. Monday, I think.

These are very insightful questions
your daughter is asking.

Second cousin, twice removed, actually.

You're more than that.

Nick is family.
And she's very interested in banking.

And I'm interested
in going to see a movie.

Wow. With all this money,
you must have a lot of security.

Oh, we do.
Not only do we have video cameras...

we also have armed security guards.

The bank is really safe.

And, speaking of,
we also have a really giant...

safe.

A little bank humor for you.

Oh, that's great.

You are so lucky, Ed.

Young people like Nick
are the future of banking.

Thank you for talking to me, Dorothy.

Oh, my pleasure.

I just wanted to ask,

we received a copy
of Nick's file from the state

and the photo in it isn't of Nick.

This happens all the time.

Our system is so antiquated.

I'm sure that if you looked

at a picture of me in my file,
it would probably be of someone else, too.

-It's really that common?
-Sadly, yes.

There are probably
two Nicole Pattersons in the system,

so the state and the local records
don't match.

You know what?

I bet this is what happened

when we were originally coordinating
with the wrong Ed Thompson.

Remember?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Well, thank you for clearing that all up.

No problem. Have a blessed day.

Jeremy,
I just talked to the social worker.

It's all a big mistake.

Turns out there are two Nicole Pattersons
in the system

and she said that the local office
has the right file.

Okay, well, the state said that there
was only one Nicole Patterson.

This is why we have to go down
to Child & Family Services

and see the file for ourselves.

No, I really don't think that's necessary.

Come on, Mom.

Don't you want to know for sure?

One way or the other?

Fine.

If it'll put an end to all this.

I'll get Eduardo
to handle things at the restaurant.

I'll pick you up after school.

I'm starving.

I've only had a protein bar all day.

You know Ed keeps candy in his desk,
right?

No, I did not.

Hello, Miss Louis.

Sorry to interrupt your lunch,
but may I join you?

I wanted to ask you some questions.

Wow.

It is so refreshing to have a young
person show so much enthusiasm.

Please, sit.

I am curious about your journey
into the world of banking.

Did you grow up here?

No, I'm actually from upstate New York.

A little town called Webster.

Oh, no way!

I know someone from Webster.

And you look just like her.

Rachel Garretts. Any relation?

Hmm. I don't believe we have any Garretts
in my family.

Oh, too bad.

How about on your mother's side?
What's her maiden name?

Donnelly.

Oh, love that last name.

And I love how inquisitive you are.

It's a gift.

Now, being from New York...

you must be a Billy Joel fan?

Was that your first concert?

Well, I have been known
to sing along with the Piano Man.

But, no, my first concert was...

You're going to laugh.

The Spice Girls.

I know!

My goldfish, Cliff...

used to love the Spice Girls.

What was your first pet's name?

Pet's name, Beowulf.

And...

Bingo!

What are you doing?

Uh...

I am so sorry.

I think I messed something up.

I was just trying to check my email...

but I may have pressed a few wrong buttons
and made a transfer.

It's okay. Don't worry.

There's no way you could have
accidentally made a transfer.

There are plenty of safeguards
in place for that.

Not even the bank president
can unilaterally make transfers.

Oh. Whew...

Believe me,
if they didn't have those in place,

I would have accidentally transferred
so much money to so many wrong people.

Sometimes, after I lose at Solitaire,
I get angry and bang on the keyboard.

Stuff happens.

Phew.

Thank you.

So to be clear,
you're saying there's no way

I could possibly transfer any money?

Not a chance.

Wonderful.

I never thought
I'd actually be hoping for a bank robbery

and or hostage situation.

But here we are.

Hey, Nick...

Helen is really impressed with you.

Oh, I'm so glad. She's amazing.

She's also a big fan of yours, Molly.

Nice try, Dad,

but I don't need to impress
a member of the financial elite

who is trying to indoctrinate me
into the amoral world of capitalism

and corporate profits.

Okay.

But how do you feel about desk candy?

Don't try to buy me off. I'm not for sale.

Plus I already ate all of your desk candy.

Remember earlier
when you mentioned bundling cash,

when do we get to do that?

Yeah, we don't do that anymore.

You'd think letting kids play around
with thousands of dollars of cash

would be a good idea.

Turns out it's not.

But, hey, who wants to see
the safe-deposit area?

Ooh, where people keep
their blood diamonds?

No thanks.

I'd like to see the safe-deposit room.

I thought you might.
It's my favorite room.

- Come on.
- Okay.

Wait. What about me?

Wait up!

Yuck. It smells like the 1% in here.

Ms. Chang, I didn't know you were here.
Would you like to use our privacy room?

No need. I'm very proud of my wealth.

Ed, do me a favor
and take over assisting Ms. Chang.

Sure. No problem.

Can we open some safe-deposit boxes
and see what's inside?

I wish.

It's a two-key system.

We've got one key, the owner
of the safe-deposit box has the other.

Hello, beautiful.

Oh, Ms. Chang. I'm blushing.

I was talking to the necklace.

Daddy bought it for me
when he married my best friend.

That necklace is worth $150,000.

It's beautiful.

It could feed an entire nation.

Thank you.

I'm going to be taking this out
for the next four weeks

- since it's Gala season.
- Ah.

Just don't drop the necklace
in a chocolate fountain.

Don't worry, it's insured.

It's worth more than you.

Not sure you can place a value
on human life, but you're probably right.

Thank you, Thomas.

She thinks my name is Thomas.

It's too late to correct her.

Why do you let her talk to you like that?

Because she's our biggest client.

And banking is all about relationships.

Exactly.

If I could get her to consolidate
all of her accounts to this bank...

I bet Helen would give you
a huge promotion.

Well, I think Ms. Chang is horrible.

No.

She's perfect.

I can't believe we're this close
to finally finding out the truth.

Easy.

Here you go.

-Nicole Patterson.
-Thank you.

This is like Christmas and election day
all rolled into one.

That's her.

Satisfied now?

No, this is impossible.

The file from the state
was a different person.

Well, it's not unusual
for there to be discrepancies.

Especially between the state
and local filing systems.

No. None of this adds up.

You know what doesn't add up?

This RadioShack computer I have to use.

Literally no calculator.

Everything around here is done by hand.

Half these files have some major error.

Okay, but what about Dorothy?

I mean, she wasn't
in the Social Services database either.

You mean Dorothy Wachowski?

Nobody knows how to spell her name.

Liz?

Jeremy, hello.

I thought I heard you out here.

Are you okay, Jeremy?

What I think he's trying to convey is that
all of his questions have been answered.

Oh, Liz, I love your ring.

Thank you. It was my mother's.

You know, funny enough, I lost it
a few weeks ago, but Nick found it.

Wow.

That is lucky.

How is Nick?

-Did she have a good birthday?
-Oh, it was amazing.

Yeah, we totally surprised her.
Surprise parties are my thing,

-Oh.
-But we did have this little incident

where some crazy person
showed up at our door

claiming all of our furniture
was listed on Craigslist.

Other than that, it was great.

Wow. So random.

-Well, good to see you.
-You too.

Let's go, Jeremy.

Thanks for the heads up, Cheryl.

I owe you one unlabeled bottle
of Costa Nord.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you all for coming.

I can't wait to see you next year.

Siri...

remind me I have tests
in every subject one year from today.

Hey, let's get out of here already.

Hang on. I want to thank Helen.

I had so much fun today.

Me too.

You really are lucky to have this job.

- Isn't she great?
- So great.

I wish I could come back every day.

Wait a minute.

Maybe there is a way.

What do you mean?

Yeah, what do you mean?

I saw on your website,
you offer internships.

Oh, those are for college students.

I know, but maybe
you could make an exception?

Didn't you say
I was the future of banking?

You did say that.

Hey, I'm the future of stuff, too.

I mean, unless you don't have
the authority to change the rules.

I'm the president of the bank.
I can do whatever I want.

Welcome aboard, Nick.

Look at that!
The bank's new intern is my daughter.

I'm so glad.

Mmm!

So...

everyone else was right?

Yes.

And I was wrong.

Yes.

All this time...

everyone else was right...

and I was wrong.

I'm proud of you. You know,
it's hard to admit when you're wrong.

Hey, Nick is not a threat to you.
She's just a girl who needs our help.

I see that now.

Nick's legit.

She has been all along.

Sometimes,
things are exactly as they seem.

It's so weird being wrong.

I feel like Dad.

This is a lot of onions.

Yeah. Too bad a bear broke in
and ate all our porridge.

Hey.

Mmm!

You're in a good mood.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't believe

how amazing it was
to have Nick at the bank today.

Everyone loved her, especially Helen.

That's great, Nick.

Yeah. They even gave her an internship.

It was designed for college students,

but Helen bent the rules
because Nick was so impressive.

Hey, good for you.

Thank you.

She made me look so good.

I mean, she is the best.
I've never been so proud.

It's awesome.

Thanks, Dad.

What's going on?

I think I know.

Molls, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

You've never been so proud?

Well, I'm just glad you were finally
able to replace me with Nick.

The daughter you've always wanted.

Look, I never meant to hurt you, okay?

I am so proud of who you've become.

You're the most thoughtful, caring,
giving person I know

and no-one could ever replace you,
not in a million years.

You know that, right?

Not even the amazing Nick?

Not even the amazing Nick.

You will always be my little girl.

You really mean that?

Of course I do.

Look...

Nick...

is part of our family now...

but that doesn't mean
she's replacing you.

It just means
we all need to make a little room for her.

Think you can do that?

Nick.

I am so sorry.

I swear I would never try
to come between you two.

As much as I wish my parents were here...

I'd never want to take that away
from anyone.

Especially not my best friend.

I'll let you guys talk.

I wasn't trying to...

show you up or anything today.

I'm just really interested in bank stuff.

You know that's crazy weird, right?

Yeah, I know. I'm a weirdo.

That's okay.

So am I.

I'm sorry that I got all jealous.

I'm just used to being the only daughter.

So when you were getting
all of Dad's attention...

I guess I just...

freaked.

You don't have to apologize.

I'm just glad we're good.

Me too.

Sure is a beautiful evening.

The cicadas are really singing.

Seriously?

We've got to do this passphrase
every time?

No-one's around, man.

Fine!

It's a perfect day for fishing.
I wonder if the trout are biting.

See? That was easy and fun!

None of this is easy and fun.

You're a mobster
whose friends beat up my dad

and I pay you money
so it doesn't happen again.

We're not BFFs.

I've had friendships based on less.

As soon as I'm done
paying down his debt...

I don't plan on seeing
your ugly face again.

Okay. On that note,
I'll see you next week.

Oh, and I know I don't have to tell you

this, but, for your father's sake...

don't be late.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah, I just delivered the payment.

But I've got a new plan to get the money
and get our lives back,

all without hurting the Thompsons,
or the Harbaughs finding out.

It's simple.

I've got a new job at the bank.

So I saw Liz today.

She was wearing the ring Nick promised us.

And I think Nick tried to run
a Craigslist scam behind our backs.

Nick said that the juice
would be worth the squeeze,

but I think she's holding out on us.

We need to do something
to insure our investment.