No Activity (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Oops Sorry - full transcript

Previously on No Activity...

I'm with you because, you know what,

I don't have time for an equal.

I outrank you because I'm a
better fucking cop than you.

Deal with it.

Copy that, Car 34. Dispatch out.

Fatima, if you're missing
Janice, you do know I have

a complete lexicon of
her speech available.

You can do Janice's voice?

How's this, Fats?

I would like to kick a door down



and yell, "Freeze,
Special Agent Cullen,"

and throw a guy off a rooftop.
That's what I would like.

Gary Westbrook, you're under arrest!

- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- On your knees, there.

- I'm doing it.
- Shut up.

Wait right there. Fuck.

Agent Kasprowicz? I'm sorry.

Agent Kasprowicz?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, fuck, where'd you go? No!

Whatever it is, it's nothing a
little sugar can't fix, Daisy.

I'm sorry, Eileen, I'm not myself.

This is my first automated ride,

this haul.

And you know, I used
to be a truck driver,



but now I'm a babysitter, apparently,

for a big magical steering
wheel that I can't touch.

- Hmm.
- You know, there's a highway

in Mississippi... I can't
remember the name of it...

and it just goes on and
cuts through the state.

Just hundreds and hundreds
of miles of green.

That sounds nice.

It's green on either side,
green all around you.

Blue up on top.

- Cornfields, mostly.
- Yeah.

And all the stalks are
exactly seven inches apart.

It's real strange, Eileen.

It's kind of like graph paper.

Wow.

You know what you don't see, though?

What's that?

People.

You don't see any fuckin' people.

- Okay, watch the language, Daisy.
- And it's because

there aren't any.

The whole place is run by robots.

And those machines, they're
just out there in the field,

and-and they're working,
and it's hot as hell.

And they're not complaining,
but I'm complaining.

I'm complaining right now,

while I still can.

You think your machine
truck's gonna come in here

and get bacon and eggs,

and listen to you bitch
about your husband?

- Hey.
- Oh, wake up, Eileen.

Frank's not working on his truck.

He's having an affair.

And it's probably with Hot Pants Susie

down at the end there, the Silver Fox.

And, Dennis... Dennis.

You remember when we
got hammered together

during the storm,

and I gave you a handy by the fryer?

You think a robot's gonna do that?

Did that really happen?

Actually, a robot probably will do that,

and it'll do a better job than I did.

My heart wasn't in it, but still.

How about some pie, Daisy?

Pie's not gonna help this time.

We got the cherry.

Break over.

- Return to vehicle.
- Oh, my lover is playing our song.

I'll be there in a minute, you robofuck.

I'll get this one, Daisy.

Thanks, Eileen.

You're a real pal.

I'm gonna pray for you, Daisy.

And I'm gonna build a big fuckin' robot

to pray for you.

You have one minute
to return to vehicle.

Request extension?

Damn it. No, I don't want that.

Oh, this thing...

Command not recognized.

Please try again.

Command not recognized.

Please try again.

Cabin temperature set to 130 degrees.

No.

Command not recognized.

- Please try again.
- Hello?

- Oh!
- I'm sorry.

- Excuse me. Jesus.
- Yeah.

- Warning.
- Yeah, I'm coming.

- You are running behind schedule.
- I'm coming!

Your paycheck may be reduced

due to extended break period.

Hey. Whoa, whoa.

Hey, excuse me, uh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

No, no, no! Stop the truck!

I'm back here!

Oh, God.

Cullen, I feel bad.

I feel real bad.

Yeah.

- Do you feel bad, too?
- Yeah, I do. Yeah.

You know what, I think we
drank too much last night.

- Mm-hmm.
- Way too much.

And those tequila shots at the end?

What were we thinking?

I don't want to... I don't
want to think about it.

Then we went to that diner.

Why did we go to a 24-hour diner

and order steak tartare?

Then they put a raw egg

- on top of it.
- Okay.

And then we ate it with our hands.

Stop, stop.

- And then you had sardines.
- Shut up about last night.

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay. Wow.

Well, well, well.

The boys are back together again.

Oh, hey.

Is this... is this friendly Leon, or...

I'll ask the questions here.

That answers that.

Are you gonna come
in and sit down, or...

Did you not hear what I just said

about who's gonna ask
the questions here?

And then you immediately
ask me a fuckin' question.

Seriously?

No, I'm not gonna come in and sit down.

My plan for the moment
is to stay right here...

out of arm's way.

Officer Cullen went through a breakup,

and we had a lot to drink last night.

You know, raw meat with
raw egg on top of it.

But we're okay.

No, it sounds awesome.
Thanks for the invite,

- by the way.
- Sorry.

In case you're curious,

this arm used to jack
off Gary Westbrook.

He doesn't need it anymore...
because he's dead.

We found it attached
to the back of a truck

using your handcuffs, Officer Cullen.

You know, I think it
was Cicero who said,

- "The safety of the...
- "What the fuck, Leon?!

Get the fuck out of here, you weirdo!

Okay, uh, I'm not...

There's a what? Are we whispering now?

Okay. Sorry.

Leon, this is my bad.

- This is my bad, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.

- So it's a...
- Here's what I need.

I need you to

get the fuck out of here!

Take your arm and get
the fuck out of here!

Goddamn it!

What a weirdo. Am I right?

He's kind of weird, right?

You know, he brought
strippers to his own party.

So sad, right? You
know who told me that?

- He did.
- We were at that party.

- What? Tell me everything.
- Yeah.

It was barely a party.

I mean, he was wearing
the strangest wig.

Yes, yes, yes, yes! I've seen that wig.

He was trying to tell us
that his hair grew back.

Dude, that's fucking insane.

- Totally.
- Anyway,

I'm gonna go grab a coffee.
You guys need one?

- I would love a coffee.
- That'd be great.

Great, I'm gonna get us three coffees,

I don't know, an assortment of Danishes,

cookies, doughnuts, that kind of shit.

And then we're gonna figure out

which one of you fucking idiots

killed my last witness!

Janice?

Hmm. How are you, Clit?

You're fired. What are you doing here?

Trust me, I can't believe
I'm back here, either.

When I left this shithole,

I thought I would never
walk in this building again.

Yeah, that's because you were
becoming a prison guard, right?

With all the sexy inmates.

Mm, well, that was my plan of action,

but turns out I waited too long

and there's a six-month
waiting list, so...

- How interesting.
- Mm.

- You can leave now.
- Mm. Well, let me tell you,

I certainly didn't miss this place.

You know, all the turds out
there with their dumb faces

and weird body smells.

Again, you can leave now.

The tedious calls, the 911 overflow,

every asshole out there
calling with emergencies.

And then your smug face.

No, trust me, I did not
miss this place at all.

That's perfect, Janice,
because when you get fired,

you don't get to come to work anymore.

That's generally how it works.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying,

and I really can't
even believe I'm here,

but the truth is, I need my job back.

Well, you should've thought of
that before you told everyone

I fucked a tortoise.

Well, I still stand by that,

but I need a job because
I really need the money.

Sorry. What's done is done.

So you're not gonna help me?

Afraid not.

Oh, what about your son?

Will you help him?

What are you talking about?

Your son? Mason?

Who needs help?

Well, I'm fucked.

I am fucked.

Donezo.

Cullen, look, I love you,

but you need to get out of your own way.

What?

I'm serious. It seems like
every time we come close

to cracking a case or some big win,

you sabotage it.

- I sabotage it? I do?
- Mm-hmm.

Yes. Like clockwork.

It's like you get so wound up

with tension, you know,
from wanting to succeed

that you just, you become a loser.

You need to un-Cullen yourself.

Oh, God. I think I just hit it.

- Hit what?
- Rock bottom.

I think that's... that's it.

Aw. Come on, buddy.

Hey, did your shoulder get fat?

It's so soft.

I just said "rock bottom."

- Oh.
- I just said that.

- Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

Shouldn't bring up your fat shoulder.

- No. Maybe not now.
- Okay.

Don't-don't worry.
It's gonna be all right.

Yeah. This is your son.

Your biological son Mason.

He was a real sicko
during his early years...

wonder where he got that from...

but now he wants to go to college

and study environmental law,

which costs a lot of money.

I can't even believe that's a degree.

I'm gonna need a DNA test.

Perfect. You can do it together.

It'll be fun. Yeah.

Great. Let's get it on the books.

Okay. Well, I feel like I'm
taking up all your time,

so I'm gonna go press my uniform.

Did you want the door opened or closed?

Closed.

I'm gonna leave it open.

I'm waiting.

I, uh, I cuffed Gary to the truck,

truck drove away...

Oops, sorry.

"Oops, sorry"?

- Oops, sorry. Yeah. Yes.
- Oops, sorry.

- Oops, sorry. Yes.
- That's what you have to say

for yourself. Oops, sorry.

Yes. Do you want me to say it again?

- Oops, sorry.
- Yeah.

Let me just paint a picture for you.

- Right.
- Because today,

a good portion of my day

has involved driving up the I-5,

finding pieces of my witness

scattered around the interstate,

his head was run over

by a school bus

full of children on a field trip!

- Really?
- Yeah, really!

They were going to see the
space shuttle or some shit.

Spoiler alert: they didn't make it.

They're talking to trauma counselors.

Why? Because you fucked up.

Oops, sorry.

Let me tell you what's
happening here. Okay?

Because of your actions,

the Las Hormigas Cartel
are now underground

where they will remain
until their next shipment

in some six to eight months.

We have nothing to go on.
We have no new leads.

And because of you,

the one witness we had is
gone. You fucked me here.

Hey, well, uh, honestly,

I mean, I can't say it enough, "Oops,"

but on the flip side, you
know, a criminal's dead,

so I kind of did my job.

Are we done?

So you just straight-up killed this guy,

- destroyed my case...
- Yeah.

... and you don't give a shit.

I think the salient fact here, though,

is that there's no coffee here.

You did say coffee, I think. Did he not?

- Do you still want a coffee?
- I do.

We'd love some coffee.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go out
there and talk to my guys.

- This is a wild turn of events.
- Okay.

Very interesting. Okay.

I'm gonna take my coffee with me.

Oops, sorry.

He liked that.

What are you doing?

I'm done.

Hey, Fats. You miss me?

Janice, you're back.

Well, in the flesh, for now.

What-what happened to Brookvale prison?

Well, I got on a list,

and I can still get you
on a list, all right?

So, last chance, Fats.

Honestly, maybe.

You were right about this
place. It's getting bizarre.

What are you bitches clucking about?

What the fuck? Now it sounds like me?

Well, yeah, I set it to your voice once,

and now I can't turn it off.

Oh. Sounds like you
missed me or something.

Um, yeah, I guess I did.

- Yeah, no, that's okay.
- All right.

- Yeah, that's not who we are.
- Yeah, we don't do that.

So, like, did you make
up with Clint? Or...

I don't understand. How are you here?

Let's just say I told Clint
that he was Mason's father.

W... Really?

And he totally believed me.

That's insane. You can't
do that to someone.

Oh, give me a break.

After everything he did to me,
don't you think he deserved it?

- Whose side are you on?
- Yours.

The truth is,

he might be.

- Really?
- Well, he could be.

- Could be?
- He is.

Mason is Clint's son.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

You should've seen his
face when I told him.

He totally bought it.

Okay, well, he bought it
because it's the truth.

Yeah. He bought it hook,
line and sinker. Right?

It was, like, straight out

of one of those Ocean movies.

I swindled him.

- You told him the truth.
- I told him the truth

and he believed me.

Anyhoozle, how long
has this Shitbox 2000

been impersonating me?

Well, now you're back.
Let's get to work.

- Too long.
- Yeah, too long.

Let's do some rearranging, shall we?

Let's take this piece of shit

and put it next to this piece of shit.

And add this piece of shit,
and then clear the air.

Gone!

- Okay.
- Okay.

Well, I have talked to some
of my colleagues out there,

and just so that we are clear,

Cullen, you are alone
claiming responsibility

for the death of Gary Westbrook?

Yeah.

'Cause I'll tell you what.
Right now, you are looking at,

at best, criminal negligence.

At worst, manslaughter.

Still comfortable with that?

- Of course we're not.
- Yeah, yeah, we are.

I mean, honestly,

so what?

A criminal's dead.

I mean, you lost your witness, sure.

I lost my girlfriend.
People lose shit all the time.

If you're gonna charge
me, just charge me.

'Cause this whole little dance here,

I don't need it.

- Cullen...
- No, fuck it.

I'm not intimidated by him anymore.

I mean, you FBI guys, you're just cops

that went to private school.

I mean, we're out there
doing it every day.

What do you actually do?

You really don't give a shit, do you?

I got to admit, I kind of like it.

Listen, man, I'm not gonna lie to you.

If we're gonna take down
people like El Chappie

and guys like him,

I need cold-blooded assholes
like you out there.

I'm gonna say this once,

never gonna speak about it again.

There's an opening on my
team. I'd like you to take it.

What... ?

Man, I'm flattered,

but it's a no.

You should really think about this.

I thought about it. It's no.

I'm not gonna ask again.

You've already asked, like, three times.

It's-it's a no. No means no.

Ooh, that only makes me want you more.

It's too bad, huh?

Cullen,

this is your way out.

- What else you gonna do?
- You know what?

I, uh, I'm thinking
I might just do nothing.

Just nothing.

Okay, okay, final...

- final offer, right now.
- Mm-hmm.

Are you in or are you out?

I think we're done here.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

You're turning this down?

- What gives you that idea?
- Cullen.

Cullen!

Look, we've had a bad day today.

He's just not himself.

Let me just go talk to him.

I'm sure everything
will be just... fine.

Cullen.

Goddamn it.

Dustin, you went in too hard.

You showed your hand,

and then he can just throw
it back in your face

and walk out.

Oh, when he walked
out, it was cool, huh?

Ooh, I would love a walkout like that.

_

Well, I guess this is where
I'm supposed to give you

some big sexy speech about
what it means to be a cop.

But I'm not gonna do that.

I will tell you this:

there is no one way to be a cop.

There are happy cops, sad cops,

good cops, bad cops,

black cops, white cops.

Cops who like to stay up late,

cops who like to go to bed early.

There's only one way to mess it up,

and that is to be a cop
who isn't true to himself.

♪ No, you could not... ♪

Huh? Did you say something?

Yeah, I just said a lot.

Oh, you did? I'm sor...

my bad... sorry.

- What-What's up?
- I was telling you

what it means to be a cop today.

You mean, like, a pep talk?

You gave a full... pep talk, and I...

- Yes.
- I missed the whole?

- Can you do it again?
- No.

Hold on, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, wait, wait.

This is... this is perfect.
This is perfect.

Hey, guys, Officer Reinhardt here.

Uh, I am, uh, first day on the job.

We're here, we're cruising.

We're trying to catch those bad guys.

I'm here with SDPD
veteran Officer Tolbell,

and he's going to give you

some words of wisdom, so listen up.

Um... just be yourself.

That's it?

- Yeah.
- Great. Cool.

Awesome. "Be yourself."

Oh, I know what I want to say.

Okay.

- You want to start it over?
- No. It's live.

- It's live?
- Yeah, the whole thing's going live.

Oh, um...

Just go. Don't worry.

Keep it real.

Th-That's all?

- Yeah, that's it.
- Great. That's great.

Amazing.

Yeah, keep it real.

So, what kind of cop
was your old partner?

That is a long story.

Operation Mouse Trap. Go! Go! Go! Go!

I'm in the south tower.
Heading to the roof.

Freeze! Special Agent Cullen!

- Whoa.
- Why waste a bullet, right?

- Hey, that's a pretty cool line, man.
- Thanks, man.

Yeah, you should use it when you
tell his widow that he's dead.

- I probably will.
- All right, you ready to do this?

- Let's grip it...
- And rip it.

- Stay down, fuckers!
- Police!

On the ground. On the fucking ground!

Oh, you killed that guy, Cullen.

- Oh, yeah.
- You're some kind of psycho.

That's right.

Okay, El Chapshit, keep
quiet and don't say a word,

or there's gonna be trouble.

But if you do as you're told,

there's still gonna be trouble.

- Right?
- Right?

- You little bitch!
- Right. 'Cause we own you, motherfucker.

- We're your bosses. We own you.
- We will destroy you,

- motherfucker! Yeah.
- Boss ladies.

- Ugh!
- Geez, another old guy.

What is this, a retirement village?

Hey, I saw some hot neo-Nazis
out on the quad doing burpees.

- Let's go.
- Yes.