No Activity (2015–2016): Season 2, Episode 5 - Noughts & Crosses - full transcript

I usually nap, but it was Hendy,

he was asleep at the same time, you see?

And that's when the
superintendent called,

so it was pretty unlucky
for both of us, yeah.

Yeah, code 4 misconduct, they called it.

Anyway, it's nice to be in the
driver's seat for a change.

Hendy, he usually drives.

I'm normally where you
are, I'm the passenger.

Is this... you making some conversation?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, I don't want to.



I should tell him!

I reckon he'd get
a real kick out of this.

Uh, car 35, come in.

This is car 35. Go ahead.

- Hendy!
- Hey.

- Hey, guess what.
- What?

- I'm in the driver's seat.
- You are?

Yeah. You know, I'm usually
in the passenger side, you know?

Yeah, yeah.
I'm usually driving, hey?

Yeah.

Anything, uh, happening there?

Oh, well... no, no, nothing.

Nothing going on.

You know, we're getting on great guns.



This is... Plenty of laughs.

All right, mate, we'll, uh...
we'll chat soon.

- All right? Over.
- 'Bye.

- That was Stokes.
- Yeah.

Bit weird, isn't it?

Not... not... not because of you here.
Not us, I'm just saying...

We're not weird. Unless your dad
shows up with his big dick.

Sorry. I don't think it's...

I don't think it was bigger.
It was kind of just the same.

I didn't really notice.

I'm just saying I'm not that...

The point that I'm trying to make

is that Stokes isn't here
and that's what's weird.

- Usually it's Stokes.
- Yeah. I know.

You know? But obviously
you're here now. That's all.

Yep, got it.

I'm across it, I know
why you were separated.

- Well, do you, though?
- Uh-huh.

You were both sleeping.

Considering I have to be here,
do you think maybe we could

clear the air about last week
and you taking photos of me...

- Oh, come on!
- When I was running?

I did not take photos
of you in your running gear.

- We've been over this.
- Yeah, right.

And I've apologised
for the misunderstanding.

- Because you had wet shorts. I know.
- Yes.

- Yeah, sure.
- And that'll be the end of it.

Wonder what Stokes is doing.

Yeah, better ask him.

Car 72, come in.

Oh, thank God.

Hendy!

- Quick noughts and crosses?
- Sure.

Uh, top left, nought.

Top right, cross.

Top middle, nought.

Bottom right, cross.

Bottom left, nought. I got ya.

No, you didn't have anything
in the middle left... centre.

I didn't need anything
in the middle left centre.

I had top, middle, bottom in the centre.

Fuck!

Okay, do you wanna do I-spy?

You all right?

Yeah.

I'm a bit dusty. That was...
a great night at the roller derby.

Yeah, it was a big night.

Massive night. Fantastic!

- Yeah? You liked it?
- I loved it!

The way they, you know, get the crowd
involved and all geed up,

and it was really close at the end,

you just wanted to run on the rink
and just bloody...

That other jammer on the other team,

you just wanted to hip-and-shoulder her

and take her down.

- You know?
- No, you did.

- Hey?
- You did.

You shoulder-charged her.

Oh, that's why that's all... frozen up.

I can't... I can't... Got no...

It looked like it hurt, actually.

Yeah, that's hurting. Oh, wow!

- Ah, it's coming back!
- Okay! Crazy!

Yeah. No, I thought
you'd left, actually.

- Yeah? Did I...
- After they took you outside.

Yeah, but... 'cause I
wanted to go back in

to go to the toilet, remember?

Yeah, but then you just... went.

Oh, I've just gone outside,
haven't I? Oh, that's hilarious!

- I got no control down there, with...
- You were saying that, actually.

"Location is irrelevant!
I've had a kid!"

Yeah. Hilarious!

- It was fun.
- Late night, though.

Like, for a weeknight. 4am?

I'm pretty sure I was home
by midnight, actually.

It was definitely 4am when I got home.

Weren't you... Were you at the park?

And the Samoan security guards came up?

You know, it was your idea
to climb the tree.

I just... I don't think
I did climb a tree.

I'm pretty sure you did. In fact,
I think there's photos to prove it.

So I'll... Where's my phone?

Oh, fuck, I've lost my phone.

Ugh.

That's not... Ow.

That's...

- Oh, can you hear that?
- Yep.

- Ohh.
- That's wrong.

That's not good at all, is it?

Oh, that's just...

That was worth it, though.
That was a great night.

Entering phase 3 Alpha 1.

We are leaving car 72 in position.

Car 35 has been moved to the location.

That's a very impressive
moustache you have.

Yeah.

Did... Do you spend much time grooming?

Yeah, I don't wanna talk
about my moustache.

It's just that it's quite, um...

It's got a great shape.

Looks like...

You know Sam Elliott, the cowboy actor?

It's a bit like his.

Yeah, I don't... I don't
watch much television.

Well, movies like "Tombstone" and...

Don't know him.

Do you mind if I, um...

if I just touch it?

I mean, I just wanna see how...

- You wanna touch my moustache?
- Well, just a... just a bit.

All right, I'll tell you what.

You can touch my moustache

if I can touch your balls.

Oh... Hey!

- What?
- Yeah.

You can touch my moustache, gently,

if I can unzip your fly,
put my hand between your legs

and just feel the little furry hairs
that grow from your scrotum.

Jesus!

No, don't... don't worry about it.
I don't wanna touch it.

- Okay. Forget about that?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Sorry I mentioned it.

The offer is on the table.

Bruce and Jimmy are
still on the package, boss.

I know.
I'm working out the next step.

This is just bullshit!

This is getting to the point
of being offensive, you know.

Mate, I've done all the right...

- Hung up.
- Ouch.

Ouch is right.

Is this the gay nephew thing?

Oh, yeah. I mean, mate,
you try, you know?

- He's come out, okay?
- Yeah.

Brave. Good kid, you know?

Family's freaking out
about it, you know?

- You're okay with that?
- Totally okay.

I'm celebrating this kid!

You used to really hate on the gays.

- I did.
- You used to be real...

You were really anti-homosexual

when, you know, a couple of years ago...

- Remember those?
- I do. I do.

And I take full responsibility for
that. Those days are over, mate.

- Remember Darren and Steven?
- Oh, at the café?

- What a wonderful couple.
- Weren't they beautiful?

I mean, so, so well mannered.

Always polite, always... Always
leave a tip. Always drop a tip.

Good tippers, yeah, yeah.

They were classy blokes.
I mean, Stevie, mate!

I used to sit there
with Stevie, he'd say,

"Oh, you're a rough-headed,"
you know, "boofhead."

And I'd say, "Oh, you big faggot!"

- You know, we'd laugh, mate!
- Yeah.

You know, it was a joke for us.

We understood each other.
It was no problem.

I mean, he really... I jumped
the fence once I met Stevie.

- Yeah, you sure did.
- You know?

So after meeting them, I thought,
"Okay, the kid's come out."

So what I do? I go buy the one thing
that I know gays are gonna love.

Hair straightener.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

That's... that's a gay thing, is it?

Oh, mate, you need to get out and
about, find out what's going on.

I bought a few gay mags,
you know, on the side.

- Did ya?
- Yeah, mate, you know.

I just wanted to do the homework
for the kid, you know?

And hair straighteners, I see
'em left, right and centre.

So I buy him this top-shelf
hair straightener, mate.

Had to get this thing imported, right?

I buy him all the adaptors
for round the world,

'cause I know them fellas,
they like to travel.

Drop it off to the birthday party.

I'm feeling proud and loud myself.
I'm feeling great about this.

Roxy, she starts abusing me
in the back room,

in front of the kid, which was
even more embarrassing, you know?

"Oh, you're a homophobe.
You're making the boy feel bad."

Because I bought him
a hair straightener?

I bought him a hair straightener
because gays love straighteners!

You know what's happened here?
You know what Roxy thinks?

That you've bought
the hair straighteners

'cause you want him to be straight.

That it's not about the curl in his
hair or the wave of this or that,

but it's about...
subconscious homophobia.

But I'm not.

I know you're not. I know you're not.

- I'm not. I'm not.
- I know you're not.

I know you're not.

But maybe you are.

Just a little bit.

Maybe I am, a bit... still.

Nah, but you're getting there.

And you like your nephew. Baby steps.

It's baby steps.

Yep. A step at a time.

Maybe you should return 'em and, um...

see if you can get him some
hair gel or something.

Yeah.

Gays love hair gel.

- Yeah.
- They love it.

Car 35? Come in, Car 35.

Car 35. Hey.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Rainer's asleep.

- Is he asleep now?
- Sound asleep!

- He's worse than you!
- Yeah, he's much worse than me.

He never wakes up!

- How old is he?
- Oh, I don't know.

He hasn't submitted to
carbon-dating yet.

We're not on a stake-out. We're in
an episode of "Antique Roadshow".

Love that one.

- It's a good one.
- You got any more?

You know how 135 years ago

Ned Kelly was arrested?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, guess who
the arresting officer was.

- Who?
- Rainer.

That's a good one, wasn't it?

'Cause he... That makes him a hund...

His eyes are open.

Now?

He's looking right at me.

Maybe he sleeps
with his eyes open.

Maybe. He's not moving.

I tell you what, just move
your finger from left to right

to see if he follows it with his eyes.

If he does, he's awake.

No response.

Ask him if he's awake.

- Are you awake?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, he's awake.
- Car 35 out.

Out.

Sorry.

Just having a joke.

Hendy and I, we often
just joke about stuff.

Do you know any jokes?

Oh, fuck off.

Car 35 is continuing surveillance

outside Foxtrot location.

Yeah. Sounds yummy.

You done?

Yeah. No, you leave it there.
I'll wash it up.

Yeah, okay. You go back to sleep.

Love you too.

See you soon. 'Bye.

It's... it's Gwen, my girlfriend.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yep. Living with her.

- Are ya?
- Pretty serious, yeah.

- Wow.
- She's an ultra-marathon runner.

What's an ultra-marathon?

Um, I think it's, like,
96 kilometres, or miles...

- Wow!
- It's ages.

She's incredibly fit. And I'm
gonna ask her to marry me.

That's amazing.

She's... she's a good fit.

That's good. It's a fit fit.

- It's good to be fit.
- Yeah.

Every second person's got diabetes
or is on the obese spectrum.

There was a, um, girl
at my high school called Tegan.

Fat Tegan. She was massive.
Like, she was a big girl.

- Really fat.
- You called her "Fat Tegan"?

Behind her back. But she was more
than just fat, she was pathetic.

And she was unfocused
and she was unhappy

and constantly fighting with her mum.

I mean, when her mum was even there.

Her mum was an alcoholic
and fucking out all the time.

But at lunchtime, me and some of
the other kind of skinny, cool girls,

we'd grab her lunch box every
lunchtime and count the calories.

Anything over 200, we threw in the bin

and made a bit of a spectacle of her.

She cried herself to sleep every
night and it was really hard for her,

but now she's a tight size 8.

And I did that.

So you're welcome.

Hmm.

Were you Tegan?

No. I'm April. Tegan was Tegan.

I was one of the hot girls.

Yeah, it just sounds like... you know
a lot of details about her, which...

But I do. Everyone...

About her mum and their relationship
and everything.

- Everyone knew all of that.
- Right.

But you said she cried herself
to sleep every night.

Okay, can we just drop it?
Why do you have to...

Like, Tegan isn't Tegan anymore.

Tegan actually died a few years ago.

- So can you drop it?
- Okay.

- Okay?
- Sorry.

Yep.

Even the fact that
you're saying that she died

makes me think that, you know,
it's still... you were Tegan.

That she died, metaphorically,
then April was born.

Just shut up!

Fuck!

Negative on the City West.

Looping back round via Broadway. Out.

Look at old Squirrelly!
Look at old Squirrel, eh?

He looks about 300!

I'm off the Instagram. I'm sick of it.

I'm off the Facebook.

I'm not gonna tweet anymore.

No more Snapchats.

No more social media.

You know, ever since we
lost the café, I'm just...

I'm not following "Beyons"
and Taylor Swift anymore.

I'm sick of seeing their successes,
their dreams achieved.

I love Tay Tay.

I love her. And look
what Beyoncé's done.

Look what Beyoncé's done, mate!

She turned bloody
lemons into "Lemonade",

getting stuck into Jay Z
over all that shit.

Fantastic, mate.

Well, where's our "Lemonade"?

We had our "Lemonade".
We spilled it everywhere.

Nah, mate, we're still bubbling,
mate. Still bubbling.

Still making bubbles, baby.

Yeah, sometimes I feel...

really proud to be alive in
the same time as "Beyons".

- Know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.

Sometimes a bit jealous, but...
mostly just really proud.

Me too, mate. Me too.

Yeah, look, if you're gonna check

your matches on Kindle
every two minutes,

do you mind putting it on silent?

No, it's not... This is Tinder.

Same thing.

No, it's not. It's not the same thing.

I mean, one's a dating app,

the other one's a... book reading thing.

Anyway, I'm on the line to Betty.

Well, trying to get hold of her.
She's been a bit non-responsive.

And she did a no-show
at our first date, so...

hoping for better things.

I'm on the verge of dropping her,
'cause... we don't need 'em, do we?

You know?

We don't.

Ow! Oh.

- Oh, that's tender.
- What?

- Oh, my hip.
- Yeah?

Yeah, got a bit of a twinge

right down there in the groiny, almost.

I was taking the bins out last week,

just, you know, out the front
and down the thing,

and I tripped over and I hurt my hip.

It's odd.

Sounds like you had a fall.

No! It wasn't a fall.

It was just a... just...

You know, a little trip.

- Ever happened before?
- Yeah.

Yeah, but ever so completely
without any rhyme or reason?

For no explanation other than

your body buckled under
years of strain and decay?

Ouff! No.

I remember my first fall.
I was about your age at the time.

No, it wasn't a fall...

Split-level house.
Just missed the one step.

I'm years off having a fall, though.

I mean, I'm at least 20...
30 years off having a fall.

- I don't fall.
- And this happened last Sunday? Yeah?

- Yeah.
- And you're still wincing?

Well, you know, it's getting better.

Ooh, that is with you
for the rest of your life.

- No. No.
- Till you're dead. Yep!

- You had a fall.
- I didn't have a fall.

- Welcome to the club.
- I'm not in that club.

I'm in a club that goes mountaineering

with young backpackers.

We are elderly men.

We have falls.

You had a fall.

Ohh.

I had my first fall.

- Hey.
- Oh, fuck it.

It's okay. It gets easier.

I had one this morning.

Haven't even thought about it.

No movement. Reports
all clear from the south. Over.

Car 35, please report.

Car 35. No activity.

Hey, g'day, April. How are you?

Good, thanks, Carol. You?

Oh, a bit dusty, actually.
Bit of a big night last night.

Hope you're all right.

Yeah, went out with Anousha,
my new partner in Dispatch.

Great! That sounds fun.

Yeah. And fun fact,
Anousha's actually Muslim.

Oh, okay. That's good.

Do you have any Muslim friends, April?

Um, I don't think so.

Should probably look into that.

It's a very diverse country we live in.

Yeah, sure.

Actually, I better go.
It's time for our tea break.

We do a bit of a, like,
little tea ritual.

That sounds lovely.

- Okay. See ya, April.
- Okay, see ya!

Oh, God, she sounds miserable.

- Do you think?
- Oh, yeah.

She sounded a bit
jealous, which is weird,

maybe jealous of us, I don't know.

Anyway, should... should
we have a cup of tea?

- Yeah.
- We could...

- A tea thing.
- You'll have to get the cups down.

- That's still... dead.
- Yeah, all right.

Check the East-West
on the way through.

Copy. Circling East-West.

The most annoying thing
happened today

when I was waiting at the station.

Am I supposed to prompt you now?

Yeah, if you... if you want.

Okay.

What happened?

Well, thanks for asking.

So I'm waiting at the
bus stop, all right?

You know, I often like to catch the bus

'cause it gives me a bit of
a thrill, a bit of a buzz.

I often put my badge on
the outside to, uh...

give the punters a bit
of a buzz as well.

They like to see the force
moving amongst them.

Okay. Great story.

- No, there's more.
- Is there?

Yeah. That was just the set-up.

That was just... just whetting
your appetite for more.

So I'm at the bus stop, okay,
you know, waiting for a bus.

And it was clear, obvious,
I was waiting,

'cause I'm just standing there, waiting,

and... and a million buses go by.

You know, some of them were full
and others could have been expresses,

but... it's just so annoying.

Oh, so that's it? That's...

That's the whole story?

Yeah, pretty much.

I mean, I moved through
the middle bit a bit quick

just because I could see that
you weren't enjoying it as much.

I was just reading my audience there.

Yeah, I don't know why
I'm engaged with this,

but, you know, a million
buses didn't go by.

Well...

You know, maybe not a million.

I was just exaggerating that bit
for... for the effect of the story.

- Yeah, but it ruins the story.
- Oh, I don't know.

I think storytelling is a fine art,
and the power of exaggeration

is one of the tools of the storyteller.

No, no, it renders the story meaningless

because no one has ever
experienced that.

A million buses gone by? I don't
even know what that would be like!

How many buses actually went by?

- Three.
- Three. Three buses.

- Four?
- Okay, let's keep it at three.

Three buses went by. That I understand.

Now I'm on your side. I can imagine
what that would be like, okay?

First bus goes by,
and you are like, "Motherfucker!"

Yeah! It's frustrating.

- Boy, is it!
- When you're waiting.

Yeah! Then the second bus goes by.

And you're, like, "Oh, fuck!"

"Fuck me! What the fuck is going on?!"

Yes. I didn't use that language,
but I see where you're going.

Then the third bus goes by.
Ooh, the third.

- And you are like, "Fuck my shit!"
- Ahh...

"Fuck my fucking shit!"

"Right, that's it, I am ringing
the motherfucking bus company."

"Come on! Yeah, pick up!
Come on, you pick up!"

"Hello? Don't put me on hold!"

"Don't you put me on hold,
you motherfucks! You're fucked!"

See, I can imagine what that is like.

You know, you've replaced
hyperbole for actual detail,

so now you've engaged me.

Now I'm feeling annoyed.

I feel all that, the frustration,
the anger, the annoyance.

I'm feeling very, very,
very, very, very annoyed.

All right.

That's so good, about you and Gwen.

Oh, yeah, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Just wanted to say that.
- It's cool.

Yeah, feels good. Good decision,
you know? Feels strong.

- I'm part of her support crew.
- Totally.

I mean, we had a little spark,

but... I mean, we obviously
just didn't take off.

And you've found that, though, with
somebody else, and that's great.

You thought we had a spark?

Yeah. Didn't you?

- Yeah, I did.
- Yeah.

- Just, like, a little one.
- A little one. Totally.

But it's, like... It's so good
that you're gonna marry Gwen.

- That's really cool.
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's definitely good.

Oh, it's the best. Definitely. I
mean, I haven't asked her yet.

- Oh, you... Oh, yeah, sure.
- No, no. But everything's good.

It's good, yeah.

Mmm.

It's funny, when I saw your
name on the roster list,

I was, like, "Oh, yeah, April."

- Wow, yeah.
- April Mayhew.

My heart definitely skipped a little
beat when I saw your name there too.

Really?

We shouldn't do this. We
shouldn't do it at work.

No. Mmm!

That's a real shame, Betty.

We really could've been something.

Shit!

Uh, car 35? Car 35,
Hendy, come in. Come in, Hendy.

Not now, not now. Over.

No, this... this one's important.

Negative. Shut up, go away.
Over and out.

Hendy. Car 35...

Car 35, come in.

I've been wanting to
do this for so long.

- Since you saw my arse at the beach?
- I didn't see your arse at the beach!

Since you were looking at my...

No, I didn't. Okay, maybe I did.
Maybe I did.

Since you took a photo of it?

I didn't take a photo!
I didn't take a photo.

- Oh, maybe one.
- Just one?

- Oh, just the one.
- Just one?

- Just one. Just one!
- You took one photo.

- Yeah, I did.
- I'm good.

You're Fat Tegan!

Yes. Yep.

Rainer? Rainer?

Rai... Oh, shit!

Car 35, Hendy?

Uh, Hendy, this is Stokes.
Come in, Hendy.

Hendy, we have an emergency here!
Rainer!

Come on, old man, wake up!

Oh, shit, I need some air.

Oh. Fuck!

Help!

Fuck.

Help!