Nirvanna the Band the Show (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Banned - full transcript
In an effort to get onto the Rivoli's Band List, Matt and Jay pose as hackers and try to attack the Rivoli's mainframe. But Matt has ulterior motives.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPreviously
on Nirvanna The Band.
The Rivoli’s a store
\h\hon Queen Street.I know about the--
\h\hWhat the fuck is
underneath it, man?!
You forgot my birthday.
(Gasping)
♪
Well, what does Jay want?
What does Jay want
for his birthday?
The show at the Rivoli, Matt!
It’s my friend’s birthday, and
I’m trying to book a show for...
for us to play here tonight.
(Echoing)
You’re not wearing your hat.
Where’s my fucking hat?
♪
(Ominous music)
It’s the Get Unbanned list.
How to get unbanned,
\hthree easy steps.
One: don’t tell Jay.Simple.
\h\h\h\h\h\hTwo: in a French
Connection-style drug deal,
\h\hget someone, a Gene
Hackman-style character,
drop the drugs off
\h\hat the Rivoli.
Right, then call the cops.
And then we frame ’em.
Hey, unban us.
We’re your alibi, you fuck!
I just need to find this
Gene Hackman look-alike,
or Gene Hackman guy.
Don’t tell Jay.
Nobody...
Heh, you’re filming
\h\heverything, huh?
\h\h\hWe need change
around here, right?Some of the camera stuff.
Simple rule: nobody
\hin and nobody out.
Who’s by here?Who came by here?
Here’s another rule: footage
\hI don’t like goes, right?
Me dropping the shit,
\h\h\hall that stuff.
\h\hFull access to
everything, right?
It’s what you like, eh?
Camera right up my ass, eh?
(Beeping)
Hot milk!
(Screaming)
What, what?!
JAY: We got milk!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Um...
- What are you doing?
You got two glasses of milk?Are you hiding something?
\h\h\h\hAm I hiding-- You’re
literally hiding something!
\hYou know what it is,
it’s a magnetic force.
I got metal buttons, boy.
No, this is nothing, this is...
Get on band list?
Get...
What do you mean banned list?
\hLike the list of bands
that play at the Rivoli?
Right.
Yeah.
\h\hSo you wanna get
on the band list...
On the band list.
Tell Jay about the plan.
Oh yes, tell Jay, yes!
And then connect to a Hackman...
\h\hNo, they’re called
hackers, not hackmen.
There could be hackwomen.
Right, I got that wrong.
I meant hacker.
Good thing I got you around.
Hack onto the band list!
Oh my god, that’s
\han amazing idea!
\h\hWe can hack in, we don’t
have to go anywhere near it.
\h\h\hI guess that’s a
good thing too, yeah.
\hI mean, we don’t have
to go anywhere near it.
It’s a little more covert.
\hWe hack the Rivoli,
get on the band list.
That’s what I’m saying!
\h\h\h\h\hWe get off the
banned list with a hack.
No, on-- on the band list.
Exactly.
What’s "Frame the Rivoli"?
We hack in there to get--
Yeah, we are going to...
get a hacker to hack
us into the Rivoli!
Cheers to the hacker plan.
Cheers.
(Panting)Uh...
- To hacker plan!
- To hacker plan!
(Clinking)
(Gulping)
\h\hYou take a big
full swig of that?
Matt, hey, hey!
That’s homo.
Hey.
Take a breath, man.
(Gulping)
You just drink the whole thing?
\h\h\hI thought you were
watching your... figure.
♪
♪
♪
♪
Huh.
\h\hHey, you a...
are you a hacker?
We’re looking for a hacker.
\h\h\h\h\hAre you a hacker?
We’re looking for a hacker.
Yeah, computer hacker.
No, no, we’re looking for a--
You a hacker?
Do you know how to hack?
\h\h\hAre you a hacker?
Are you guys computer experts?
\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you know
anything about hacking?
\hOh come on, one of you
guys has to be a hacker.Somebody in here.
\h\h\h\h\hIs anybody-- Is
anybody a hacker in here?
Sorry, never mind, never mind.
Is there a pause button?
No, no, just relax.
We look like cops or something.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Like cops?
- Yeah, we don’t look...
(Laughing)
- No, we’re not cops.
\h\h\h- Sorry, sorry.
They’re not gonna talk to us!
\h\hLook what we just
looked like, alright?
\hWe walk in there
looking like this.
\h\hThat’s not how
you find a hacker.
They’re gonna think we’re narcs!
It’s our clothing?
Yes!\hIf you wanna catch a hacker,
you gotta look like a hacker!
Hey, we went in there trying to
find a hacker dressed like this.
(Laughing)
Exactly.
Oh, so this-- I’m not
dressed like a hacker?This isn’t what hackers...
\h\h\h\h\h\hIf we wanna find a
hacker, we gotta look the part.
How do I dress like a hacker?
I’m taking you shopping, boy.
(Techno music)
Why are we in Kensington?
\h\h\hThis is hacker
central of Toronto.
\hI’m not really seeing
what hacker clothes are.
\hBecause you don’t know
where to look, alright?
Here, look.
(Techno music)
So this is hacker central?
\h\hI’m just telling Jay
this is hacker central.
Oh.
Uh, okay, this is the spot.
Follow me.
Army Surplus?Yeah.
\h\hHi, man, how you doing?
Sorry, we’re just going in--
Oh, I thought you
were a mannequin.
Sorry about that, yeah.
\h\hWell, what’s gonna
happen to us in there?
\h\h\hYou’re about to
find out in a big way!
♪
♪ Magic people voodoo people ♪
♪
Thank you so much!
People are looking at us.
Well, dude, they’re not gonna
be looking once they see okay,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthere’s the most
handsome hacker on the whole,
uh, street, will they?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- No.
- How you doing, man?
It’s a hacker look.
We’re about to be hacking,
\h\hwe’re trying to hack--
Should we be telling people
\h\h\h\hthat we’re hacking?
This is the place.
Exactly, nobody cares.
\h\h(Laughing)
Yeah, exactly.
\h\h\h\hIt’s not exactly the
right day to be out hacking.
That’s exactly what
we’re trying to do.
That’s what we’re going for.
Yes.
Peace, man.
He said he’d be back?
Oh, oh, like he’s
coming to get us?
Oh shit, okay.
Let’s go find this hacker!
(Techno music)
Hack the planet!
♪
Ow!
(Chuckling)
It was a rock!
(Sighing)
Whoa! Sorry, kids!Where are we going,
\hto Home Hardware?
No, we’re getting a computer!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh!
- The super system.Oh, shit.\h\hHey, when we’re in here,
just so we don’t get taken,
we gotta act like we know
what we’re talking about.
- No problem.
- Sorry, sir.
\h\h\h- How are ya?
- How are you doing?
Oh, sorry.
I’ve got some blades on.
Okay.
(Gasping)
We should talk to
\hone of the guys.
Excuse me, we’re trying to buy
a super system, super computer.
Uh, can you help us with that?
And we know what we’re talking
about too, so don’t try to...
Like basically top-of-the-line
hacking computer.
\h\h\hWe gotta spend,
it’s gonna cost more.
\h\h\h\h- Yeah, alright.
- We’re ready to spend.
CPU parallelization,
\hthat sounds right.
Ridiculous core counts,
\h\hyeah, that’s right.
How ridiculous are they?
So it’s 20 a thread?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s all
hyper-threaded nowadays.
(Clap)
Um...
\h\h\h\h- Bingo.
- We’ll take it.
Uh, actually, hold on.
Can I-- One second.
Can I talk to you for a second?
\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
- Just one second.
\hWhoa, you got me
rolling here, man.
\h\h\h\h- One second.
- I’m really rolling.
I think we got...
\hI think we just
found our hacker.
You?
No.
Oh!
Hmm...
Oh, you devil!
(Snickering)
(Snickering)
(Keyboard typing)
(Muttering)
rivoli1982.
\h\h\h\hIs what we’re
doing right now legal?
(Sputtering)
Technically.
\hWell, if it makes
you feel any better,
it’s just so we can get a show.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
- Okay, let’s try it.
Password?
\h\h\h(Dinging)
Wrong password.
Fuck.
How does this-- How do
you normally do this?
Like... Like...
\h\h\h\hUm, I guess really
what you’d normally do...
actual hacker wouldn’t...
\hthere’s no real
way to hack this.
Well, clearly...
Ned, okay, okay, we need...
we need you t-t-t-t-t-t-t-to
\h\hhelp us with this, okay?
Like we’re-- the stakes are
\hlike insanely high for us.
\hUh, like you’d need to
find some vulnerability
in the Gmail system.
\h\h\hThe only way to find out
about that is knowing somebody
\h\hwho works at Gmail who
hasn’t either disclosed it
or they haven’t fixed it.Uh-huh.
\h\h\hWhat if we just like use
their computer at the Rivoli?
Yeah.
Uh, no.
What, you mean go to the Rivoli?
No, we can’t...\hWhy, wouldn’t that
make the most sense?
If we go into the Rivoli,
\hand maybe they have like
a computer there that’s already
logged in or something.
Umm...
\h\hI mean, that’s... same
idea as stealing a phone.
It’s usually a lot more
practical than trying to
break the software side.
(Panting)
Yeah, why don’t
we just do that?
We’ll go into the Rivoli...
Go into the Rivoli?
\h\h\hUh, it’s more
practical than this.
Jay...
So what are we waiting for?
I could just go in...
No, no, you can’t go in!
Uh...
Ned.
But Ned can.
I have a question.
\hHow come you want
Ned to go in there?Because he knows this shit!
He’s the-- He’s the guy,
he’s the computer whiz!
We’re just the band!
\h\h\hHe doesn’t want the
band next to him hacking!
Keep the band away...
We’ll keep the band away.
This is your idea?You’re coming-- You’re
\hcoming up with this?
Well, I’m seeing it from
\ha different angle now.I’m starting to see it
your way, and I think
what you’re trying to say is
we stay outside the Rivoli,
\h\h\h\h\hNed goes in,
we’re in the war van,
kinda like what Microchip
\h\h\h\hhad with Punisher,
\h\h\h\hand he’s got all the
screens up, the earpiece in,
and the pen cam, and
he walks right in...We can’t really get
\hall those things.
...he gets the computer, and
we delete this banned list,
change the banned list, uh...Delete it?
\h...get our names, get
Nirvanna The Band off...
I can’t see you, Matt.
\h\h\h\hWhat I was saying was
banned list: that’s the goal.
Yeah.
Spelling to be determined later,
in terms of the number of Ns.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat are you
pitching him right now?
I’m not even really following.
Let’s try this.
Okay, so you’re here
\hto fix a computer?
Sure.
Go with just "yes".
- Yes.
- Yes.
- With confidence.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
\h\hThat was too quiet.
With a little bit of...
Here to fix a computer, yes.
Repeating the question
draws suspicion, so...
\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
- Yes, exactly.
You’re agreeing with me that
it draws suspicion, or you--
- This is the line?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
\hHey, are you here
to fix the computer?
Yeah.
- It’s "yes", remember?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.It’s "yes", okay?
"Yes" is the answer,
\h"yes" is the line.
\h\h\hOh, hey, you just
came in by the computer.
You here to fix the computer?
Yes, maybe.
Maybe or yes?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
- You-- You got it!
Okay!
(Clap)
What are you doing over there?
Weren’t you just sitting...
You’re on your phone?
(Gasping)
What are you doing?
Well, I got scared there, okay?
♪
(Drumming)
Just don’t mess with it, man!
\h\hWell, how come I
can’t hold onto it?
- Don’t, don’t!
\h- Don’t what?
I’m just touching it!
\h\hNo, wait, you’re
gonna bust it, man!
This was not cheap.
Only Ned gets to touch this.
Oh, yeah, welcome
to the battle van.
Yeah.
Okay, so, Ned, the plan...
\h\hSay-- Say it a little
louder so I can hear too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The banned list, and we are...
\h\h\h- The band list.
- Nirvanna The Band...
\h- Wanna get on that.
- Off the banned list.
You’re...
Oh yeah, oh yeah, and you want
to get us off the banned list.
- Off the banned list.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Shh!
No, on the band list.
\h\h- We wanna get on.
- On, exactly, right?
That’s the whole point.
\h\h\hThis is a pen
with a camera in it.
- It’s like you’re James Bond.
- Point the camera at the...
- Careful, don’t poke him.
\h\h- I’m not poking him.
- Am I poking you?
\h\h- You’re good.
\hWhat do you mean, good as
in you don’t mind the poke,
or there is no in fact...
There is no poke.
There’s no poke!
\h\h\h(Laughing)
\h\hHey, dude, thank you
so much for doing this.Okay.
\hOh, anybody ask, you never
heard of Nirvanna The Band,
\hyou don’t know us, and you--
oh, computer repair guy, right?
\hComputer repair guy,
there is no Nirvanna.
\h\h\h\h\hWe got a mobile
computer repair guy here.
JAY: Matt, shut up!
He’s going in just to
fix a computer inside.
Matt, shut the (Bleep) up!
\h\h\hWhat are you doing?
No reason to be worried,
\h\his what I’m saying.
Of course not, yeah yeah yeah.
Get the (Bleep) in here!
Later!
♪
Ned, do you hear us?Yeah.\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you know
which one is the Rivoli?
We parked right in
\hfront of it, man.
JAY: No, he’s going in.
There he goes, there he goes.
Oh my goodness, he’s
actually inside, eh?
This is crazy.
You’re doing great, Ned.
(Music playing)’Kay, just sit at the bar.
Sit at the bar and
look inconspicuous.
Yep.
(Music playing)
\hOkay, Ned, we’re getting...
we’re getting the bar.
We can see the bar.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNed, remember,
we’re looking for a computer.
Oh yeah.
\h\h\h\h\h\hUh, maybe do
a little panorama...
Be our eyes here.
Yeah, give us a little 360,
\h\h\h\hwalk around the...
Whoa!
What’s that, what’s that?
(Music playing)
Front bar, locked.
\h\h\h\h\hOkay, Ned, we’re
gonna need you to try
typing in a password.
(Keyboard typing)
(Dinging)
Fuck.
Oh, they gave us a hint.
\h\hAddress.
- Address.
It’s an address.
334 Queen W, try that.
(Keyboard typing)
\h\h\h\hOh my god.
He’s in, he’s in.
Find the band list.
Banned list, B-A-N-N-E-D.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHold on a
second, no, B-A-N-D.Yeah, right.
Ned, just try B-A-N-N-E-D
\h\hand we’ll just see--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s not
how you spell "band"!
\h\h\h\h\h\hBut maybe they
spelt it wrong, okay?
Idiot, you’re wasting time!
\h\h\h\h\hNed, you’re
doing great, man!
Do you know how to read?
\hDo you wanna get
on the band list?
\h\hThat would be "spell",
do you know how to spell.
\h\h\hWould you stop
being such an idiot?
Look, he spelled it wrong!
Zero files.Yeah, nothing found, fuck.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOkay, Ned, we’re
doing it my way now, okay?
Listen to me, Ned.
’Kay, Ned?
Ned.
(Keyboard typing)
What are you doing, Ned?
No no no no no.
(Static crackling)
What’s he doing?
♪
Are you fucking us?
Is that their email?
\hIt’s the Rivoli’s email.
Look at all those emails!
\h\hPeople just leaving
their emails logged in,
I see it all the time.
You’re supposed to
\hclick "Log out".That’s a message.
\h\hClick "Log out" when
you-- when you do the...when you do this stuff.\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnything--
Anything look important?
\h\h\h\h\hOkay, get closer to
that and let’s read them!
No, stop moving!
\h\hStop and scroll
back up to the top!
Brittany Mai-- Okay,
\h"Left my phone..."
\h\h\h\h\hImportant story from
Alex MacDonald, read that!
No no, do not read that email!
\h\h- Do not read that email!
- All staff be aware of what?!
Shh, shh, shh!
Pretty good.
I’m just here to
fix your system.
Say yes.
Yeah, I told her there’s
\ha computer repair guy.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOkay, Ned, fuck, you
gotta get outta there now, man.
No, Ned, you gotta get out now!
I gotta go get him.\h\h\h\h\h- No no no.
- I gotta go get him.\h\h\h\hNo no no no no,
Bird, no no no no no no!
\hNo, no, Bird, you
can’t go in there!
- Why? I gotta go get him!
\h\h\h\h\h- No no no, Jay!
How do I get outta here?
♪
♪
(Muffled shouting)
(Banging)
Okay, we’re going-- we’re
going black for a second!Okay, it’s fine.
It’s gonna be the Rivoli,
and they’re gonna be like,
"Okay, what the fuck, guys?"
It’s done, I’m just confessing.
No no, we’re not
confessing shit.
(Muffled talking)
(Banging)
Oh, nice work, Jay!
I bet you he’s getting tortured
in there by the Rivoli,
squealing like a canary.
\h\h\h\hWell let’s go, just
leave him, (Bleep) Ned!You brought Ned in.\h\h\hI’m not taking
the fall for Ned!
You said you wanted Ned!
You begged for Ned!
(Muffled shouting)
- Ned!
- Ned.
He’s alive!
Oh my god, get in,
\hget in, get in!
Oh, thank God you’re alive!
He got it, and he got
\ha little email too!
So the-- What do you mean?
\h\h\h\h\h- Got email.
- Oh, you printed it.
You want me to read it too?
No, don’t, don’t...
\h\hLet’s hear it!
Read it out loud!
Jay, before he reads this...
Yeah?
Oh, it’s fine.
I love you, and I’m--
you’re my best friend.
No no no no no, before you--
\h\h\hbefore you read it...
But wait a second, I don’t even
know what I’m expecting yet.
I do know!
And I’m saying I’m sorry.
But why?
Yeah, I’m-- You’re about to see.
\h\h\h\hWatch this, he’s gonna
read it, and we’re gonna see.
(Nervous laughing)
\h\h\hIt’s so funny,
going on with this.
Just read the email.
\h\hWhat did we get?
All staff, be aware.
Hey, I just got off the phone
with a guy from the city.
\h\h\h\hIt seems like they’re
doing some sewer maintenance.
He wants to access the tunnels
below through our boiler room.
Will anyone be around tomorrow
morning by 10:00 to let them in?
And then? Keep going.
That’s everything.
\h\h\h\hDid you print
anything on the back?
Oh, double-sided.
Nope.
(Sighing)
It’s so funny...
You were about to witness a real
admission of... guilt from me.
(Chuckling)
\h\hMatt, what did you
think this was gonna--
Yeah, pretty hot in these...
\h\h\h\h- Oh yeah.
- ...battle vans!
(Chuckling)
I’m fine.
- You’re not hot?
\h\h\h\h\h\h- No.You’re not sweltering?
You know why, it’s ’cause
I’m keeping a big secret.
What?
What did I say?
\h\h\hYou said you’re
keeping a big secret.
\h- No no no no.
- Yeah, you did.
- Did I?
\h- Yep.
\h\h\hUnfortunately, um,
this is the last episode
that we will be doing with Ned.
Um...
Yeah, normally it would...
like the Nirvanna The Band
\h\hthing would be up by--
♪
♪
♪ Hey ♪
\h♪ I just got off the phone
with the guy from the city ♪
♪ And it seems ♪
\h\h♪ Like they’re doing
some sewer maintenance ♪
♪
♪ He wants to access ♪
\h\h\h♪ The tunnels below
through our boiler room ♪
\h\h♪ Will anyone be around
tomorrow morning by 10:00 ♪
♪ To let them in? ♪
♪
\h\h\hAnd then we can do
a nice big solo, like...
(Jaunty piano music)
Tunnels under the Rivoli.
What?
Oh yeah, there’s tunnels
\hunder the Rivoli, eh?
(Muttering)
- Like if there--
\h\h- Ah, ah, ah.
Okay, no, actually--
\heveryone shut up.
\h\h\h’Cause if you can go
through, like literally...
(Whispering)
One, two...
- That’s the one.
\h\h\h\h\h- Right.
\h- The Last...
- Last Crusade.
It’s a crusade.
(Orchestral music)Shut the fuck up!
- Guys, this is private!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Get out!
♪
on Nirvanna The Band.
The Rivoli’s a store
\h\hon Queen Street.I know about the--
\h\hWhat the fuck is
underneath it, man?!
You forgot my birthday.
(Gasping)
♪
Well, what does Jay want?
What does Jay want
for his birthday?
The show at the Rivoli, Matt!
It’s my friend’s birthday, and
I’m trying to book a show for...
for us to play here tonight.
(Echoing)
You’re not wearing your hat.
Where’s my fucking hat?
♪
(Ominous music)
It’s the Get Unbanned list.
How to get unbanned,
\hthree easy steps.
One: don’t tell Jay.Simple.
\h\h\h\h\h\hTwo: in a French
Connection-style drug deal,
\h\hget someone, a Gene
Hackman-style character,
drop the drugs off
\h\hat the Rivoli.
Right, then call the cops.
And then we frame ’em.
Hey, unban us.
We’re your alibi, you fuck!
I just need to find this
Gene Hackman look-alike,
or Gene Hackman guy.
Don’t tell Jay.
Nobody...
Heh, you’re filming
\h\heverything, huh?
\h\h\hWe need change
around here, right?Some of the camera stuff.
Simple rule: nobody
\hin and nobody out.
Who’s by here?Who came by here?
Here’s another rule: footage
\hI don’t like goes, right?
Me dropping the shit,
\h\h\hall that stuff.
\h\hFull access to
everything, right?
It’s what you like, eh?
Camera right up my ass, eh?
(Beeping)
Hot milk!
(Screaming)
What, what?!
JAY: We got milk!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Um...
- What are you doing?
You got two glasses of milk?Are you hiding something?
\h\h\h\hAm I hiding-- You’re
literally hiding something!
\hYou know what it is,
it’s a magnetic force.
I got metal buttons, boy.
No, this is nothing, this is...
Get on band list?
Get...
What do you mean banned list?
\hLike the list of bands
that play at the Rivoli?
Right.
Yeah.
\h\hSo you wanna get
on the band list...
On the band list.
Tell Jay about the plan.
Oh yes, tell Jay, yes!
And then connect to a Hackman...
\h\hNo, they’re called
hackers, not hackmen.
There could be hackwomen.
Right, I got that wrong.
I meant hacker.
Good thing I got you around.
Hack onto the band list!
Oh my god, that’s
\han amazing idea!
\h\hWe can hack in, we don’t
have to go anywhere near it.
\h\h\hI guess that’s a
good thing too, yeah.
\hI mean, we don’t have
to go anywhere near it.
It’s a little more covert.
\hWe hack the Rivoli,
get on the band list.
That’s what I’m saying!
\h\h\h\h\hWe get off the
banned list with a hack.
No, on-- on the band list.
Exactly.
What’s "Frame the Rivoli"?
We hack in there to get--
Yeah, we are going to...
get a hacker to hack
us into the Rivoli!
Cheers to the hacker plan.
Cheers.
(Panting)Uh...
- To hacker plan!
- To hacker plan!
(Clinking)
(Gulping)
\h\hYou take a big
full swig of that?
Matt, hey, hey!
That’s homo.
Hey.
Take a breath, man.
(Gulping)
You just drink the whole thing?
\h\h\hI thought you were
watching your... figure.
♪
♪
♪
♪
Huh.
\h\hHey, you a...
are you a hacker?
We’re looking for a hacker.
\h\h\h\h\hAre you a hacker?
We’re looking for a hacker.
Yeah, computer hacker.
No, no, we’re looking for a--
You a hacker?
Do you know how to hack?
\h\h\hAre you a hacker?
Are you guys computer experts?
\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you know
anything about hacking?
\hOh come on, one of you
guys has to be a hacker.Somebody in here.
\h\h\h\h\hIs anybody-- Is
anybody a hacker in here?
Sorry, never mind, never mind.
Is there a pause button?
No, no, just relax.
We look like cops or something.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Like cops?
- Yeah, we don’t look...
(Laughing)
- No, we’re not cops.
\h\h\h- Sorry, sorry.
They’re not gonna talk to us!
\h\hLook what we just
looked like, alright?
\hWe walk in there
looking like this.
\h\hThat’s not how
you find a hacker.
They’re gonna think we’re narcs!
It’s our clothing?
Yes!\hIf you wanna catch a hacker,
you gotta look like a hacker!
Hey, we went in there trying to
find a hacker dressed like this.
(Laughing)
Exactly.
Oh, so this-- I’m not
dressed like a hacker?This isn’t what hackers...
\h\h\h\h\h\hIf we wanna find a
hacker, we gotta look the part.
How do I dress like a hacker?
I’m taking you shopping, boy.
(Techno music)
Why are we in Kensington?
\h\h\hThis is hacker
central of Toronto.
\hI’m not really seeing
what hacker clothes are.
\hBecause you don’t know
where to look, alright?
Here, look.
(Techno music)
So this is hacker central?
\h\hI’m just telling Jay
this is hacker central.
Oh.
Uh, okay, this is the spot.
Follow me.
Army Surplus?Yeah.
\h\hHi, man, how you doing?
Sorry, we’re just going in--
Oh, I thought you
were a mannequin.
Sorry about that, yeah.
\h\hWell, what’s gonna
happen to us in there?
\h\h\hYou’re about to
find out in a big way!
♪
♪ Magic people voodoo people ♪
♪
Thank you so much!
People are looking at us.
Well, dude, they’re not gonna
be looking once they see okay,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthere’s the most
handsome hacker on the whole,
uh, street, will they?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- No.
- How you doing, man?
It’s a hacker look.
We’re about to be hacking,
\h\hwe’re trying to hack--
Should we be telling people
\h\h\h\hthat we’re hacking?
This is the place.
Exactly, nobody cares.
\h\h(Laughing)
Yeah, exactly.
\h\h\h\hIt’s not exactly the
right day to be out hacking.
That’s exactly what
we’re trying to do.
That’s what we’re going for.
Yes.
Peace, man.
He said he’d be back?
Oh, oh, like he’s
coming to get us?
Oh shit, okay.
Let’s go find this hacker!
(Techno music)
Hack the planet!
♪
Ow!
(Chuckling)
It was a rock!
(Sighing)
Whoa! Sorry, kids!Where are we going,
\hto Home Hardware?
No, we’re getting a computer!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh!
- The super system.Oh, shit.\h\hHey, when we’re in here,
just so we don’t get taken,
we gotta act like we know
what we’re talking about.
- No problem.
- Sorry, sir.
\h\h\h- How are ya?
- How are you doing?
Oh, sorry.
I’ve got some blades on.
Okay.
(Gasping)
We should talk to
\hone of the guys.
Excuse me, we’re trying to buy
a super system, super computer.
Uh, can you help us with that?
And we know what we’re talking
about too, so don’t try to...
Like basically top-of-the-line
hacking computer.
\h\h\hWe gotta spend,
it’s gonna cost more.
\h\h\h\h- Yeah, alright.
- We’re ready to spend.
CPU parallelization,
\hthat sounds right.
Ridiculous core counts,
\h\hyeah, that’s right.
How ridiculous are they?
So it’s 20 a thread?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s all
hyper-threaded nowadays.
(Clap)
Um...
\h\h\h\h- Bingo.
- We’ll take it.
Uh, actually, hold on.
Can I-- One second.
Can I talk to you for a second?
\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
- Just one second.
\hWhoa, you got me
rolling here, man.
\h\h\h\h- One second.
- I’m really rolling.
I think we got...
\hI think we just
found our hacker.
You?
No.
Oh!
Hmm...
Oh, you devil!
(Snickering)
(Snickering)
(Keyboard typing)
(Muttering)
rivoli1982.
\h\h\h\hIs what we’re
doing right now legal?
(Sputtering)
Technically.
\hWell, if it makes
you feel any better,
it’s just so we can get a show.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
- Okay, let’s try it.
Password?
\h\h\h(Dinging)
Wrong password.
Fuck.
How does this-- How do
you normally do this?
Like... Like...
\h\h\h\hUm, I guess really
what you’d normally do...
actual hacker wouldn’t...
\hthere’s no real
way to hack this.
Well, clearly...
Ned, okay, okay, we need...
we need you t-t-t-t-t-t-t-to
\h\hhelp us with this, okay?
Like we’re-- the stakes are
\hlike insanely high for us.
\hUh, like you’d need to
find some vulnerability
in the Gmail system.
\h\h\hThe only way to find out
about that is knowing somebody
\h\hwho works at Gmail who
hasn’t either disclosed it
or they haven’t fixed it.Uh-huh.
\h\h\hWhat if we just like use
their computer at the Rivoli?
Yeah.
Uh, no.
What, you mean go to the Rivoli?
No, we can’t...\hWhy, wouldn’t that
make the most sense?
If we go into the Rivoli,
\hand maybe they have like
a computer there that’s already
logged in or something.
Umm...
\h\hI mean, that’s... same
idea as stealing a phone.
It’s usually a lot more
practical than trying to
break the software side.
(Panting)
Yeah, why don’t
we just do that?
We’ll go into the Rivoli...
Go into the Rivoli?
\h\h\hUh, it’s more
practical than this.
Jay...
So what are we waiting for?
I could just go in...
No, no, you can’t go in!
Uh...
Ned.
But Ned can.
I have a question.
\hHow come you want
Ned to go in there?Because he knows this shit!
He’s the-- He’s the guy,
he’s the computer whiz!
We’re just the band!
\h\h\hHe doesn’t want the
band next to him hacking!
Keep the band away...
We’ll keep the band away.
This is your idea?You’re coming-- You’re
\hcoming up with this?
Well, I’m seeing it from
\ha different angle now.I’m starting to see it
your way, and I think
what you’re trying to say is
we stay outside the Rivoli,
\h\h\h\h\hNed goes in,
we’re in the war van,
kinda like what Microchip
\h\h\h\hhad with Punisher,
\h\h\h\hand he’s got all the
screens up, the earpiece in,
and the pen cam, and
he walks right in...We can’t really get
\hall those things.
...he gets the computer, and
we delete this banned list,
change the banned list, uh...Delete it?
\h...get our names, get
Nirvanna The Band off...
I can’t see you, Matt.
\h\h\h\hWhat I was saying was
banned list: that’s the goal.
Yeah.
Spelling to be determined later,
in terms of the number of Ns.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat are you
pitching him right now?
I’m not even really following.
Let’s try this.
Okay, so you’re here
\hto fix a computer?
Sure.
Go with just "yes".
- Yes.
- Yes.
- With confidence.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
\h\hThat was too quiet.
With a little bit of...
Here to fix a computer, yes.
Repeating the question
draws suspicion, so...
\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
- Yes, exactly.
You’re agreeing with me that
it draws suspicion, or you--
- This is the line?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
\hHey, are you here
to fix the computer?
Yeah.
- It’s "yes", remember?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.It’s "yes", okay?
"Yes" is the answer,
\h"yes" is the line.
\h\h\hOh, hey, you just
came in by the computer.
You here to fix the computer?
Yes, maybe.
Maybe or yes?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
- You-- You got it!
Okay!
(Clap)
What are you doing over there?
Weren’t you just sitting...
You’re on your phone?
(Gasping)
What are you doing?
Well, I got scared there, okay?
♪
(Drumming)
Just don’t mess with it, man!
\h\hWell, how come I
can’t hold onto it?
- Don’t, don’t!
\h- Don’t what?
I’m just touching it!
\h\hNo, wait, you’re
gonna bust it, man!
This was not cheap.
Only Ned gets to touch this.
Oh, yeah, welcome
to the battle van.
Yeah.
Okay, so, Ned, the plan...
\h\hSay-- Say it a little
louder so I can hear too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The banned list, and we are...
\h\h\h- The band list.
- Nirvanna The Band...
\h- Wanna get on that.
- Off the banned list.
You’re...
Oh yeah, oh yeah, and you want
to get us off the banned list.
- Off the banned list.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Shh!
No, on the band list.
\h\h- We wanna get on.
- On, exactly, right?
That’s the whole point.
\h\h\hThis is a pen
with a camera in it.
- It’s like you’re James Bond.
- Point the camera at the...
- Careful, don’t poke him.
\h\h- I’m not poking him.
- Am I poking you?
\h\h- You’re good.
\hWhat do you mean, good as
in you don’t mind the poke,
or there is no in fact...
There is no poke.
There’s no poke!
\h\h\h(Laughing)
\h\hHey, dude, thank you
so much for doing this.Okay.
\hOh, anybody ask, you never
heard of Nirvanna The Band,
\hyou don’t know us, and you--
oh, computer repair guy, right?
\hComputer repair guy,
there is no Nirvanna.
\h\h\h\h\hWe got a mobile
computer repair guy here.
JAY: Matt, shut up!
He’s going in just to
fix a computer inside.
Matt, shut the (Bleep) up!
\h\h\hWhat are you doing?
No reason to be worried,
\h\his what I’m saying.
Of course not, yeah yeah yeah.
Get the (Bleep) in here!
Later!
♪
Ned, do you hear us?Yeah.\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you know
which one is the Rivoli?
We parked right in
\hfront of it, man.
JAY: No, he’s going in.
There he goes, there he goes.
Oh my goodness, he’s
actually inside, eh?
This is crazy.
You’re doing great, Ned.
(Music playing)’Kay, just sit at the bar.
Sit at the bar and
look inconspicuous.
Yep.
(Music playing)
\hOkay, Ned, we’re getting...
we’re getting the bar.
We can see the bar.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNed, remember,
we’re looking for a computer.
Oh yeah.
\h\h\h\h\h\hUh, maybe do
a little panorama...
Be our eyes here.
Yeah, give us a little 360,
\h\h\h\hwalk around the...
Whoa!
What’s that, what’s that?
(Music playing)
Front bar, locked.
\h\h\h\h\hOkay, Ned, we’re
gonna need you to try
typing in a password.
(Keyboard typing)
(Dinging)
Fuck.
Oh, they gave us a hint.
\h\hAddress.
- Address.
It’s an address.
334 Queen W, try that.
(Keyboard typing)
\h\h\h\hOh my god.
He’s in, he’s in.
Find the band list.
Banned list, B-A-N-N-E-D.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHold on a
second, no, B-A-N-D.Yeah, right.
Ned, just try B-A-N-N-E-D
\h\hand we’ll just see--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s not
how you spell "band"!
\h\h\h\h\h\hBut maybe they
spelt it wrong, okay?
Idiot, you’re wasting time!
\h\h\h\h\hNed, you’re
doing great, man!
Do you know how to read?
\hDo you wanna get
on the band list?
\h\hThat would be "spell",
do you know how to spell.
\h\h\hWould you stop
being such an idiot?
Look, he spelled it wrong!
Zero files.Yeah, nothing found, fuck.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOkay, Ned, we’re
doing it my way now, okay?
Listen to me, Ned.
’Kay, Ned?
Ned.
(Keyboard typing)
What are you doing, Ned?
No no no no no.
(Static crackling)
What’s he doing?
♪
Are you fucking us?
Is that their email?
\hIt’s the Rivoli’s email.
Look at all those emails!
\h\hPeople just leaving
their emails logged in,
I see it all the time.
You’re supposed to
\hclick "Log out".That’s a message.
\h\hClick "Log out" when
you-- when you do the...when you do this stuff.\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnything--
Anything look important?
\h\h\h\h\hOkay, get closer to
that and let’s read them!
No, stop moving!
\h\hStop and scroll
back up to the top!
Brittany Mai-- Okay,
\h"Left my phone..."
\h\h\h\h\hImportant story from
Alex MacDonald, read that!
No no, do not read that email!
\h\h- Do not read that email!
- All staff be aware of what?!
Shh, shh, shh!
Pretty good.
I’m just here to
fix your system.
Say yes.
Yeah, I told her there’s
\ha computer repair guy.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOkay, Ned, fuck, you
gotta get outta there now, man.
No, Ned, you gotta get out now!
I gotta go get him.\h\h\h\h\h- No no no.
- I gotta go get him.\h\h\h\hNo no no no no,
Bird, no no no no no no!
\hNo, no, Bird, you
can’t go in there!
- Why? I gotta go get him!
\h\h\h\h\h- No no no, Jay!
How do I get outta here?
♪
♪
(Muffled shouting)
(Banging)
Okay, we’re going-- we’re
going black for a second!Okay, it’s fine.
It’s gonna be the Rivoli,
and they’re gonna be like,
"Okay, what the fuck, guys?"
It’s done, I’m just confessing.
No no, we’re not
confessing shit.
(Muffled talking)
(Banging)
Oh, nice work, Jay!
I bet you he’s getting tortured
in there by the Rivoli,
squealing like a canary.
\h\h\h\hWell let’s go, just
leave him, (Bleep) Ned!You brought Ned in.\h\h\hI’m not taking
the fall for Ned!
You said you wanted Ned!
You begged for Ned!
(Muffled shouting)
- Ned!
- Ned.
He’s alive!
Oh my god, get in,
\hget in, get in!
Oh, thank God you’re alive!
He got it, and he got
\ha little email too!
So the-- What do you mean?
\h\h\h\h\h- Got email.
- Oh, you printed it.
You want me to read it too?
No, don’t, don’t...
\h\hLet’s hear it!
Read it out loud!
Jay, before he reads this...
Yeah?
Oh, it’s fine.
I love you, and I’m--
you’re my best friend.
No no no no no, before you--
\h\h\hbefore you read it...
But wait a second, I don’t even
know what I’m expecting yet.
I do know!
And I’m saying I’m sorry.
But why?
Yeah, I’m-- You’re about to see.
\h\h\h\hWatch this, he’s gonna
read it, and we’re gonna see.
(Nervous laughing)
\h\h\hIt’s so funny,
going on with this.
Just read the email.
\h\hWhat did we get?
All staff, be aware.
Hey, I just got off the phone
with a guy from the city.
\h\h\h\hIt seems like they’re
doing some sewer maintenance.
He wants to access the tunnels
below through our boiler room.
Will anyone be around tomorrow
morning by 10:00 to let them in?
And then? Keep going.
That’s everything.
\h\h\h\hDid you print
anything on the back?
Oh, double-sided.
Nope.
(Sighing)
It’s so funny...
You were about to witness a real
admission of... guilt from me.
(Chuckling)
\h\hMatt, what did you
think this was gonna--
Yeah, pretty hot in these...
\h\h\h\h- Oh yeah.
- ...battle vans!
(Chuckling)
I’m fine.
- You’re not hot?
\h\h\h\h\h\h- No.You’re not sweltering?
You know why, it’s ’cause
I’m keeping a big secret.
What?
What did I say?
\h\h\hYou said you’re
keeping a big secret.
\h- No no no no.
- Yeah, you did.
- Did I?
\h- Yep.
\h\h\hUnfortunately, um,
this is the last episode
that we will be doing with Ned.
Um...
Yeah, normally it would...
like the Nirvanna The Band
\h\hthing would be up by--
♪
♪
♪ Hey ♪
\h♪ I just got off the phone
with the guy from the city ♪
♪ And it seems ♪
\h\h♪ Like they’re doing
some sewer maintenance ♪
♪
♪ He wants to access ♪
\h\h\h♪ The tunnels below
through our boiler room ♪
\h\h♪ Will anyone be around
tomorrow morning by 10:00 ♪
♪ To let them in? ♪
♪
\h\h\hAnd then we can do
a nice big solo, like...
(Jaunty piano music)
Tunnels under the Rivoli.
What?
Oh yeah, there’s tunnels
\hunder the Rivoli, eh?
(Muttering)
- Like if there--
\h\h- Ah, ah, ah.
Okay, no, actually--
\heveryone shut up.
\h\h\h’Cause if you can go
through, like literally...
(Whispering)
One, two...
- That’s the one.
\h\h\h\h\h- Right.
\h- The Last...
- Last Crusade.
It’s a crusade.
(Orchestral music)Shut the fuck up!
- Guys, this is private!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Get out!
♪