Nirvanna the Band the Show (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Buddy - full transcript
Jay attends a music industry party, leaving Matt home alone. While there, Jay makes a new (yet familiar) friend, and they cook up a plan to book a show at the Rivoli.
(Shouting)
(Music playing)
Not spicy.
(Music playing)
There, okay, yes, the pepper.
Add... spice.
Hot jambalaya!
Okay, Jay, I figured it out!
Okay, I got it.
Listen to this: you go...
Actually, I’m going out tonight.
\h\hI’m saying this
plan is for tonight.
Going to a party.
Say what?
I know you have a plan,
\h\hand it sounds great,\hand I can’t wait
to hear the plan.
I don’t have A plan,
\h\hI have THE plan!
I have got the plan,
I’ve figured it out!
\h\hYeah, not tonight.
I have plans tonight.
(Sighing)Okay, what do you mean,
\h\h\hgoing to a party?
\h\h- Going to a party?
- I’m going to a party.
You’re invited to a party?
Can I go to the party?
What-- What are we doing?
\hAm I getting permission
from you to go to a party?
No, no, no, no, no,
here’s what it was.
I was so confused, ’cause here
I am coming up with the plan,
\hand I’ve got it,
and I’m thinking,\h\h"Alright, yeah, my best
friend’s coming downstairs.
\h\hTime to tell him the plan,
we’re working to get this show."
And I figured it out
after years, and...
No, wait, Matt.
\hI’m just... gonna do
my own thing tonight.
Doing your own thing!
Yeah.
Is that okay with you?
Yes, my man!
(Laughing)
Yes, it is.
\h(Laughing)
\h\h\hYou know we see
each other every day.
Uh, yes.
Kinda getting sick of it.
(Laughing)
\h\h\hIt is getting to the
point where you want to...
Do these guys know anybody else?
We need a break, right?
- Where are the women?!
\h- Where are the women!
\h\hWhat do you think’s gonna
happen: you try to cross here,
I pull a knife out of
a place you can’t see?
Right?
The surprise?
What is-- hidden blade?
\h- I gotta go.
- Yeah, exactly.
I’m-- Okay, have a
good at the party.
Alright.
Okay.
(Chuckling)
Hey, I’ll see you
when you get back.
Have a good time.
I’m sorry of the stu...
(Door closing)
Just doing his own thing.
Makes sense.
♪
♪ Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro ♪
♪ Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro
Figaro Figaro Figaro ♪
♪ Figaro ♪
♪ Son qua ♪
♪ Hey Figaro ♪
\h♪ Son qua, Figaro qua,
Figaro la, Figaro qua ♪
♪ Figaro la, Figaro su, Figaro
giu, Figaro su, Figaro giu ♪
\h♪ Pronto prontissimo
son come il fulmine ♪
♪ Sono il factotum della citta ♪
♪ Della citta, della citta,
\hdella citta, della citta ♪
Hey, how you doing?
Good.
Uh, yeah, I am...
(Music thumping)
\h\h\h\hThis is like a
musician party, right?
Yeah.
Um, well, I just knew that there
was a bunch of musicians here,
and I’m a musician as well.
\h\h\h\hUm, and I was
actually hoping to do
a little bit of networking.
Right.
Um, this is my friend here!
Hi, how are you doing?
You’re late!
(Chuckling)
For-- For the party!
Uh...
(Music thumping)
Um...
(Music thumping)
Alright, uh...
Alright.
(Music thumping)
(Music thumping)
(Bottle rattling)
(Music thumping)
(Crashing)
How you guys doing?
(Chattering)
So many people here.
\h\h\h\h\h(Laughing)
(Chattering)
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Hi!
- Hey, how you doing?
♪ I’m the cream of the crop,
\h\h\h\hI rise to the top ♪
\h\h♪ I never eat a pig
’cause a pig is a cop ♪
♪ Or better yet a Terminator,
like Arnold Schwarzenegger ♪
Must be nice.
I’m Holly.
Yes.
I’m Rachel.
(Chattering)
Lydia, Lydia, come on!
We gotta call the cops!
We gotta dial 911 now!Why?
Well, Mrs. Doubtfire,
\h\h\h\h\hhe’s a she!
He’s a sh-- He’s a she-she!
- What?
\h- Ah!
He’s half man, half woman!
What?!Yes, I swear!Alright, everyone,
now just calm down.\h\h\h\h\h\h- Freeze!
- Just relax, please!
- You’re gonna get it!
\h\h\h\h- In the balls!
Yeah!
She’s got ’em?
She’s got everything.
I’m not who you think I am.
Yeah, no shit.
It’s amazing they don’t know.
\h\hIt’s their dad,
and they don’t know.
How is that possible?
It’s the most unrealistic...
\hHow does your own wife and
kids not recognize it’s you?
You got a little--
\h\ha disguise on?
\h\hAnd they don’t
see through it...
(Orchestral swell)
Don’t follow me!
(Music thumping)
I’m Jay.
I’m in a band, um...
\hI’m one half of
my band, but I...
\h\hI’m not with that other
half tonight just because--
No, just ’cause we can do our
own thing and I don’t need to--
we’re not attached at
\hthe hip or anything.
No, we didn’t break up.
I’m just doing my
own thing tonight.
(Laughing)
I feel like-- I feel like you
guys are just making fun of me.
(Laughing)
(Sad acoustic music)
(Sad acoustic music)
♪ Well did you know that I was
one of those you left behind ♪
♪ You were up and gone
\hwithout a goodbye ♪
♪ They all said that you were
not the kind to stick around ♪
♪ I only wish I’d known
\h\h\hthat it was time ♪
\h\h\h\h♪ The evenings on the
highway coming down to be-- ♪
Sorry about that, man!
Do I know you?
No, no, I don’t think so.
Yeah, no, you...
We never met before, man.
Oh my god.
Fuck.
\h- Okay...
- Oh my god.
Yeah, okay, look...
You’re Steve Coogan!
You’re Steve Coogan, aren’t you?
The actor, Steve Coogan!
♪Right? Aren’t you?
No, you got it wrong, but...
\h\h\hbut pretty close, man!
What’s your name?
♪
This is the guy!
Met him tonight.That McCarrol’s a musician!
\h\hWell, you got a business
card or something like that?
\h- That’s awesome!
- That’s yours, man.
(Laughing)
♪ Pack it up, pack it in,
\h\h\h\h\h\hlet me begin ♪
\h\h\h\h♪ I came to win,
battle me that’s a sin ♪
\h♪ I won’t ever slack up,
punk you better back up ♪
\h♪ Try and play the role and
yo the whole crew’ll act up ♪
Playing a show at
the bloody Rivoli?
Yeah.
It’s next to impossible!
\h\h\h\hWell, I mean, we
tried a bunch of times.
I feel like we’re close.
So then what you need is a plan.
Come here, man.
I need a plan, I know.
And I just happen to have
\h\hthe exact plan for ya!
(Uplifting music)
(Laughing)
Matt!
Matt, wake up!
\hWake up!
(Clapping)
\h\h\h\h\h\hMatt, Matt, Matt,
you’re gonna wanna hear this!
Huh? Whoa!
(Laughing)
Hi, Bird, man.
What, are you out of breath?
What are you out of breath for?
\h\h\hYou know, I was having a
nightmare where I was running
\h\hafter a big piece of
cheese, finally got it.
Uh, what’s up?
How you doing?
I have a plan to get a show!
\hWhat a wake up!
Is this a dream?!
Here, alright, so...
This plan...
Uh, first...
\h\hYou know what, I’m just
gonna start writing it down.
Yeah, exactly.
And that’ll help me
\hremember the plan.
Remember the plan?
\h\h\hYou’re saying you
don’t remember the plan
that you just came up with?
- Believe me, it’s my plan.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Uh-huh.
- It came from my mind.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- I know.
\h\hI think I’ll have no
problem remembering it.
\h\h\hSo tell me the plan,
and then we can maybe even
go do the plan today.
Start with step one.
Uh, you...
Uh, okay, so you...
The Rivoli probably?
Yeah, go to the Rivoli.
\h\hRemember, the Rivoli has a
restaurant in the front of it.
Maybe...
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe sit at the
restaurant to have a meal.
Wow! Oh my god, that’s genius!We’ve never done that!
Did you know that there was
a restaurant at the Rivoli?
At the front. Very popular.
- Step three.
- Step three?
What was step two?
We’re at the restaurant.
\hStep one was go
to the restaurant!
That’s right.
Well, these can be
\hinterchangeable.
\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know what,
that’s sort of redundant.
I-- I gotta stop this.
\hYou’re making a
fool of yourself.
The...
\h\h\h(Sighing)
Okay, look, I...
Matt, stop.
I’m about to admit something.
Oh, not bigger than this.I mean, who knows?
\h\hMaybe you’re saying yeah,
like vagina instead of a penis,
something massive, but...
This plan?
It’s not mine.
It’s Tony’s.
Ah...
Oh. Oh! Jay!
\hWell, why did you try
to take c-credit for it?
I guess you’re wondering
\h\h\hwho Tony is, huh?
Maybe I can help you
\hfill in the gaps--
And I think I know who can
\hhelp us figure this out.
- Me, I will--
\h\h\h- Tony.
Well, how are you gonna get Tony
to help you figure this out?
I’m gonna call him.
But what do you mean call Tony?
He doesn’t have a...
(Slowed) So just give
me your phone number.
Oh, you want a phone number?
\hYeah, I’m gonna put it
down in my contact list.
Oh, you’re wondering
if I’ve got a phone.
You mean one of these?
(Laughing)
So now I’m just gonna click
on his name and call mobile.
Argh!
Oh, gotta go to the
\hbathroom outside!
Calling mobile.
(Phone ringing)
’Ello, Tony here!
Tony! It’s Jay!
Ah man, what a wild night!
We had-- Let me guess, you
\hforgot the plan already?
\h\hYeah, I do need
help with the plan!
\h\hI’m gonna imagine
that you’re at a board
just writing this down, alright?
\hYeah, I’m right at
the board right now.
You order mild pad
thai, extra mild.
Anything hotter than
pepper will kill ya!
\h\h\h\hThen you have Matt
sneak into the kitchen...Oh, right!
\h\h\h\h\h\h...put cayenne
pepper on the pad thai...Spice it up.
\hOh, you... Oh, hold on,
I’m getting an order here.Oh shit, is this Uber Eats?
- Tony, what are you doing?
\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah, that’s us.
- Thank you, man!
- What’s going on?
Okay, so... hold on.
- Hey, Tony?
\h\h- Shoot.
Yeah yeah yeah, the plan, right.
Yeah, the plan, yeah.
Uh, why don’t you--
\hAh, Jesus Christ.
(Grunting)You spice it.
Then when it comes back,
\h\heat it, and you go,
"My god, this is spicy as hell!
I said I was allergic to spice!"Right.
Then you threaten to--
you threaten to sue...
Right, and then we sue them!
...unless they give
you and Matt a show.
Nirvanna The Band.
Did you tell me that was
\hthe name of your band?
I believe you did.
Why don’t you come along?
N... No, no, no.
This is your plan!
Nobody knows the plan
\hbetter than you do.
\h\h\hWha-- No, you don’t
need me, you got you and--
Plus, I want you to meet Matt.
\hHe’s my best friend, and
he’s the only other person
in the world that’s
\h\has cool as you.
\hThat’s an awful
nice thing to say.
It would mean a lot
to me if I could...
show him how cool you were.
Okay, what the hell!
Alright, I’ll see ya there!
JAY: Tony’s coming! Matt!
Bird...
Fuck, man, fuck!
Matt?
Matt! Matt!
- Hey!
- Hey!
How did your phone
call with Tony go?
Great.
He’s coming!
Oh, I knew that. Yeah.
You did?
Oh, no no no!
\h\h\hHey!
(Laughing)
(Streetcar screeching)
You’re good. Go, go, go.
Go, you’re good.
Go!
Tony might already be in there!
Okay.
(Panting)
Jesus Christ!
(Chattering)
Wow.
(Panting)
Okay, alright, I made it.
\hWell, if it isn’t
my good friend Tony!
How are ya, man?
(Panting)
\h\hGood.
Look at us!
We’re doing it, we’re doing it!
Yes, exactly.
\hHave you ordered
the food already?
\h\h\hWell, you know, we can
have a couple drinks first.
No, we gotta get a order in.
\hNo, come on, let’s get
a little small talk in!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Right.
- Let’s do some small talk.
Hi, how you doing?
Uh, yes, please.
\hAnd actually I think
he knows what he wants
to order right now.
Okay, I’ll have a...
\h\hpad thai, and...
\hOh yeah, and if you can make
that mild, that would be great.
\h\h\h\hNo no no, no no no, it
really has to be mild, right?
\h\h\hI mean, isn’t
that what you want?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Right.
- You’re allergic to spice.
Yes, I’m allergic to spice,
so I have to make it
as mild as possible.
Thank you so much.
Mild as a child.
No, I’ll have the same thing.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Okay, good, we did it.
You know what, Matt’s
\hprobably back there
spicing it up right now.
Say again?
Matt’s probably back there
\hspicing it up right now.
(Playful music)
\h\h\h\h\hUh, will you
excuse me one minute?
Hold on, wait! Small talk!
Can you just-- I’ll
be back one minute.Gotta go to the bathroom.
- Go to the bathroom, go, go.
- Thank you, alright!
♪
(Panting)
Oh god.
Oh, this is too hard.
Gotta... switch to... chef...
(Panting)
How you guys doing?
Ah, good.
I’m a chef at the Rivoli.
Just a bit late for work.
♪
Okay, phew.
♪
♪
Oh, sorry.
(Tense music)
(Playful music)
Hot jambalaya!
♪
My god!
\hYou know what, I think it
was the white wine, and I--
Matt?
Oh damn.
Uh...
Matt?
Uh, I can explain.
Okay, so...
What in God’s name are you doing
dressed as the chef
\h\hsitting with me?
You’re gonna ruin Tony’s plan!
(Gasping)
Right!
(Laughing)
Oh my god!
\hDude, the number of times
we have been like this close
to me getting...
\h\h\h(Laughing)
\h\h\h\h\h\hIf you keep
staying here as a chef,\h\hthen the whole
thing’s (Bleep)ed!
\hExactly, okay, I’m
getting outta here.Don’t worry, pretend
\h\hyou didn’t see--
I knew you were gonna
\hscrew this plan up.
I knew it!
Tony warned me about you,
said you’re a (Bleep)-up.
Tony said I’m a fuck-up?Said you’re an idiot.
He said you’re a loser holding
me back from my true potential.
- Really?
\h\h- Yes!
Says that you’re weak.
Can’t (Bleep).
Tony said that?
Yeah, Tony said that.
\h\hStarting to make
a lot of sense, too.
Okay.
♪
♪ Come here sister ♪
♪ Papa’s in the swing ♪
Oh, he likes Tony?
Tony’s better than Matt, huh?
What’s that?
No, no!
♪
♪ Ain’t no drag ♪
♪ Papa’s got a brand new bag ♪
♪
Okay, look.
\h\h\h\h\hI’ve decided I don’t
wanna be your friend anymore.
\h\hTime for me to keep on
rolling, know what I mean?
\hNo no no no, hold on,
slow down a little bit.
Once this plan is done,
you and me are finished.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
\h\h\hBut hey, you got a
lot to look forward to.
You’ve got this plan, gonna get
you a show, so just take a bite
\hand you don’t need to
worry about me anymore.
Come on!
\hI’m just gonna do my
own thing from now on.
(Sad music)
\h\hYou don’t need to worry
about me, worry about Tony.
I’m gonna do my own thing!
My own thing...
(Slowed) I’m just...
gonna do my own thing tonight.
♪
Great.
♪
Jay, eat the shrimp, mum.
Go ahead.
I gotta go.
Wha-- Gotta go?
What you mean, gotta go?
I gotta go apologize
\hto my best friend.For what? What you mean?
\hTony, you made me realize
I hurt my friend’s feelings
\hreally badly this morning,
and so I gotta go find him.
No no no, Birdy, you
gotta take one bite.
- Oh, just for God’s sakes!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Sorry.
You can’t cover up the thing!
No plan until I apologize.What do I do?
Okay, I’ll eat it,
I’ll eat it then.
- Fine, I’ll do it myself.
\h\h\h- You’re eating it?
Tony, the plan doesn’t work.
You asked them for it
to be spicy, remember?
(Slowed) I’ll have
\hthe same thing.
Mild?
Thank you so much.
Oh, sorry!
- Did you say mild?
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
No, I’ll have it spicy as hell.
Okay.
(Laughing)
(Choking sounds)
You-- You okay?
Are you joking?
Tony, are you joking?
Are you choking for real?
Hey, for real, are you choking?
Hey, hey, hey!
(Dramatic music)
Come on! Come on! Come on!
(Grunting)
\hCome on!
♪
Come on!
One, two, three!
(Spitting sound)
(Crowd gasping)
It was the shrimp.
(Gasping)
Just sit there.
Oh my god!
Just sit there for a second!
(Panting)
I’m okay.
Oh my god!
(Panting)
I’m okay.
That was so scary!
(Panting)
Matt?
♪
♪ The road is long ♪
(Slowed) Tony!
Nice to meet you, man!
Thanks for the plan, Tony!
Anytime.
Alright!
Good luck!
I wish we could hang out more.
Ha!
Have a good one, bye.
♪ Who ♪
♪ Knows where ♪
♪ Who knows where ♪
♪
Let’s party!
♪
(Cork popping)
(Laughing)
Now come on, we’re just
\h\hhanging out with me!
You’re hanging out with me!
♪
Nice meeting you, man.
Nice meeting you too, Tony.
\hRemember what I
told ya, alright?
I will.
Hey, Tony?
Yes, mum?
\h\hThanks for being
nice to me tonight.
You don’t worry about a thing.
♪
Good meeting you!
’Kay, Tony, bye!
I’m leaving forever!
You want Uber Eats?
JARED: What? Yeah.Do you?
\h\h\hOkay, I’m gonna
order for both of us.
♪
♪ He’s my brother ♪
♪
♪ He ain’t heavy ♪
(Music playing)
Not spicy.
(Music playing)
There, okay, yes, the pepper.
Add... spice.
Hot jambalaya!
Okay, Jay, I figured it out!
Okay, I got it.
Listen to this: you go...
Actually, I’m going out tonight.
\h\hI’m saying this
plan is for tonight.
Going to a party.
Say what?
I know you have a plan,
\h\hand it sounds great,\hand I can’t wait
to hear the plan.
I don’t have A plan,
\h\hI have THE plan!
I have got the plan,
I’ve figured it out!
\h\hYeah, not tonight.
I have plans tonight.
(Sighing)Okay, what do you mean,
\h\h\hgoing to a party?
\h\h- Going to a party?
- I’m going to a party.
You’re invited to a party?
Can I go to the party?
What-- What are we doing?
\hAm I getting permission
from you to go to a party?
No, no, no, no, no,
here’s what it was.
I was so confused, ’cause here
I am coming up with the plan,
\hand I’ve got it,
and I’m thinking,\h\h"Alright, yeah, my best
friend’s coming downstairs.
\h\hTime to tell him the plan,
we’re working to get this show."
And I figured it out
after years, and...
No, wait, Matt.
\hI’m just... gonna do
my own thing tonight.
Doing your own thing!
Yeah.
Is that okay with you?
Yes, my man!
(Laughing)
Yes, it is.
\h(Laughing)
\h\h\hYou know we see
each other every day.
Uh, yes.
Kinda getting sick of it.
(Laughing)
\h\h\hIt is getting to the
point where you want to...
Do these guys know anybody else?
We need a break, right?
- Where are the women?!
\h- Where are the women!
\h\hWhat do you think’s gonna
happen: you try to cross here,
I pull a knife out of
a place you can’t see?
Right?
The surprise?
What is-- hidden blade?
\h- I gotta go.
- Yeah, exactly.
I’m-- Okay, have a
good at the party.
Alright.
Okay.
(Chuckling)
Hey, I’ll see you
when you get back.
Have a good time.
I’m sorry of the stu...
(Door closing)
Just doing his own thing.
Makes sense.
♪
♪ Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro ♪
♪ Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro
Figaro Figaro Figaro ♪
♪ Figaro ♪
♪ Son qua ♪
♪ Hey Figaro ♪
\h♪ Son qua, Figaro qua,
Figaro la, Figaro qua ♪
♪ Figaro la, Figaro su, Figaro
giu, Figaro su, Figaro giu ♪
\h♪ Pronto prontissimo
son come il fulmine ♪
♪ Sono il factotum della citta ♪
♪ Della citta, della citta,
\hdella citta, della citta ♪
Hey, how you doing?
Good.
Uh, yeah, I am...
(Music thumping)
\h\h\h\hThis is like a
musician party, right?
Yeah.
Um, well, I just knew that there
was a bunch of musicians here,
and I’m a musician as well.
\h\h\h\hUm, and I was
actually hoping to do
a little bit of networking.
Right.
Um, this is my friend here!
Hi, how are you doing?
You’re late!
(Chuckling)
For-- For the party!
Uh...
(Music thumping)
Um...
(Music thumping)
Alright, uh...
Alright.
(Music thumping)
(Music thumping)
(Bottle rattling)
(Music thumping)
(Crashing)
How you guys doing?
(Chattering)
So many people here.
\h\h\h\h\h(Laughing)
(Chattering)
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Hi!
- Hey, how you doing?
♪ I’m the cream of the crop,
\h\h\h\hI rise to the top ♪
\h\h♪ I never eat a pig
’cause a pig is a cop ♪
♪ Or better yet a Terminator,
like Arnold Schwarzenegger ♪
Must be nice.
I’m Holly.
Yes.
I’m Rachel.
(Chattering)
Lydia, Lydia, come on!
We gotta call the cops!
We gotta dial 911 now!Why?
Well, Mrs. Doubtfire,
\h\h\h\h\hhe’s a she!
He’s a sh-- He’s a she-she!
- What?
\h- Ah!
He’s half man, half woman!
What?!Yes, I swear!Alright, everyone,
now just calm down.\h\h\h\h\h\h- Freeze!
- Just relax, please!
- You’re gonna get it!
\h\h\h\h- In the balls!
Yeah!
She’s got ’em?
She’s got everything.
I’m not who you think I am.
Yeah, no shit.
It’s amazing they don’t know.
\h\hIt’s their dad,
and they don’t know.
How is that possible?
It’s the most unrealistic...
\hHow does your own wife and
kids not recognize it’s you?
You got a little--
\h\ha disguise on?
\h\hAnd they don’t
see through it...
(Orchestral swell)
Don’t follow me!
(Music thumping)
I’m Jay.
I’m in a band, um...
\hI’m one half of
my band, but I...
\h\hI’m not with that other
half tonight just because--
No, just ’cause we can do our
own thing and I don’t need to--
we’re not attached at
\hthe hip or anything.
No, we didn’t break up.
I’m just doing my
own thing tonight.
(Laughing)
I feel like-- I feel like you
guys are just making fun of me.
(Laughing)
(Sad acoustic music)
(Sad acoustic music)
♪ Well did you know that I was
one of those you left behind ♪
♪ You were up and gone
\hwithout a goodbye ♪
♪ They all said that you were
not the kind to stick around ♪
♪ I only wish I’d known
\h\h\hthat it was time ♪
\h\h\h\h♪ The evenings on the
highway coming down to be-- ♪
Sorry about that, man!
Do I know you?
No, no, I don’t think so.
Yeah, no, you...
We never met before, man.
Oh my god.
Fuck.
\h- Okay...
- Oh my god.
Yeah, okay, look...
You’re Steve Coogan!
You’re Steve Coogan, aren’t you?
The actor, Steve Coogan!
♪Right? Aren’t you?
No, you got it wrong, but...
\h\h\hbut pretty close, man!
What’s your name?
♪
This is the guy!
Met him tonight.That McCarrol’s a musician!
\h\hWell, you got a business
card or something like that?
\h- That’s awesome!
- That’s yours, man.
(Laughing)
♪ Pack it up, pack it in,
\h\h\h\h\h\hlet me begin ♪
\h\h\h\h♪ I came to win,
battle me that’s a sin ♪
\h♪ I won’t ever slack up,
punk you better back up ♪
\h♪ Try and play the role and
yo the whole crew’ll act up ♪
Playing a show at
the bloody Rivoli?
Yeah.
It’s next to impossible!
\h\h\h\hWell, I mean, we
tried a bunch of times.
I feel like we’re close.
So then what you need is a plan.
Come here, man.
I need a plan, I know.
And I just happen to have
\h\hthe exact plan for ya!
(Uplifting music)
(Laughing)
Matt!
Matt, wake up!
\hWake up!
(Clapping)
\h\h\h\h\h\hMatt, Matt, Matt,
you’re gonna wanna hear this!
Huh? Whoa!
(Laughing)
Hi, Bird, man.
What, are you out of breath?
What are you out of breath for?
\h\h\hYou know, I was having a
nightmare where I was running
\h\hafter a big piece of
cheese, finally got it.
Uh, what’s up?
How you doing?
I have a plan to get a show!
\hWhat a wake up!
Is this a dream?!
Here, alright, so...
This plan...
Uh, first...
\h\hYou know what, I’m just
gonna start writing it down.
Yeah, exactly.
And that’ll help me
\hremember the plan.
Remember the plan?
\h\h\hYou’re saying you
don’t remember the plan
that you just came up with?
- Believe me, it’s my plan.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Uh-huh.
- It came from my mind.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- I know.
\h\hI think I’ll have no
problem remembering it.
\h\h\hSo tell me the plan,
and then we can maybe even
go do the plan today.
Start with step one.
Uh, you...
Uh, okay, so you...
The Rivoli probably?
Yeah, go to the Rivoli.
\h\hRemember, the Rivoli has a
restaurant in the front of it.
Maybe...
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe sit at the
restaurant to have a meal.
Wow! Oh my god, that’s genius!We’ve never done that!
Did you know that there was
a restaurant at the Rivoli?
At the front. Very popular.
- Step three.
- Step three?
What was step two?
We’re at the restaurant.
\hStep one was go
to the restaurant!
That’s right.
Well, these can be
\hinterchangeable.
\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know what,
that’s sort of redundant.
I-- I gotta stop this.
\hYou’re making a
fool of yourself.
The...
\h\h\h(Sighing)
Okay, look, I...
Matt, stop.
I’m about to admit something.
Oh, not bigger than this.I mean, who knows?
\h\hMaybe you’re saying yeah,
like vagina instead of a penis,
something massive, but...
This plan?
It’s not mine.
It’s Tony’s.
Ah...
Oh. Oh! Jay!
\hWell, why did you try
to take c-credit for it?
I guess you’re wondering
\h\h\hwho Tony is, huh?
Maybe I can help you
\hfill in the gaps--
And I think I know who can
\hhelp us figure this out.
- Me, I will--
\h\h\h- Tony.
Well, how are you gonna get Tony
to help you figure this out?
I’m gonna call him.
But what do you mean call Tony?
He doesn’t have a...
(Slowed) So just give
me your phone number.
Oh, you want a phone number?
\hYeah, I’m gonna put it
down in my contact list.
Oh, you’re wondering
if I’ve got a phone.
You mean one of these?
(Laughing)
So now I’m just gonna click
on his name and call mobile.
Argh!
Oh, gotta go to the
\hbathroom outside!
Calling mobile.
(Phone ringing)
’Ello, Tony here!
Tony! It’s Jay!
Ah man, what a wild night!
We had-- Let me guess, you
\hforgot the plan already?
\h\hYeah, I do need
help with the plan!
\h\hI’m gonna imagine
that you’re at a board
just writing this down, alright?
\hYeah, I’m right at
the board right now.
You order mild pad
thai, extra mild.
Anything hotter than
pepper will kill ya!
\h\h\h\hThen you have Matt
sneak into the kitchen...Oh, right!
\h\h\h\h\h\h...put cayenne
pepper on the pad thai...Spice it up.
\hOh, you... Oh, hold on,
I’m getting an order here.Oh shit, is this Uber Eats?
- Tony, what are you doing?
\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah, that’s us.
- Thank you, man!
- What’s going on?
Okay, so... hold on.
- Hey, Tony?
\h\h- Shoot.
Yeah yeah yeah, the plan, right.
Yeah, the plan, yeah.
Uh, why don’t you--
\hAh, Jesus Christ.
(Grunting)You spice it.
Then when it comes back,
\h\heat it, and you go,
"My god, this is spicy as hell!
I said I was allergic to spice!"Right.
Then you threaten to--
you threaten to sue...
Right, and then we sue them!
...unless they give
you and Matt a show.
Nirvanna The Band.
Did you tell me that was
\hthe name of your band?
I believe you did.
Why don’t you come along?
N... No, no, no.
This is your plan!
Nobody knows the plan
\hbetter than you do.
\h\h\hWha-- No, you don’t
need me, you got you and--
Plus, I want you to meet Matt.
\hHe’s my best friend, and
he’s the only other person
in the world that’s
\h\has cool as you.
\hThat’s an awful
nice thing to say.
It would mean a lot
to me if I could...
show him how cool you were.
Okay, what the hell!
Alright, I’ll see ya there!
JAY: Tony’s coming! Matt!
Bird...
Fuck, man, fuck!
Matt?
Matt! Matt!
- Hey!
- Hey!
How did your phone
call with Tony go?
Great.
He’s coming!
Oh, I knew that. Yeah.
You did?
Oh, no no no!
\h\h\hHey!
(Laughing)
(Streetcar screeching)
You’re good. Go, go, go.
Go, you’re good.
Go!
Tony might already be in there!
Okay.
(Panting)
Jesus Christ!
(Chattering)
Wow.
(Panting)
Okay, alright, I made it.
\hWell, if it isn’t
my good friend Tony!
How are ya, man?
(Panting)
\h\hGood.
Look at us!
We’re doing it, we’re doing it!
Yes, exactly.
\hHave you ordered
the food already?
\h\h\hWell, you know, we can
have a couple drinks first.
No, we gotta get a order in.
\hNo, come on, let’s get
a little small talk in!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Right.
- Let’s do some small talk.
Hi, how you doing?
Uh, yes, please.
\hAnd actually I think
he knows what he wants
to order right now.
Okay, I’ll have a...
\h\hpad thai, and...
\hOh yeah, and if you can make
that mild, that would be great.
\h\h\h\hNo no no, no no no, it
really has to be mild, right?
\h\h\hI mean, isn’t
that what you want?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Right.
- You’re allergic to spice.
Yes, I’m allergic to spice,
so I have to make it
as mild as possible.
Thank you so much.
Mild as a child.
No, I’ll have the same thing.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Okay, good, we did it.
You know what, Matt’s
\hprobably back there
spicing it up right now.
Say again?
Matt’s probably back there
\hspicing it up right now.
(Playful music)
\h\h\h\h\hUh, will you
excuse me one minute?
Hold on, wait! Small talk!
Can you just-- I’ll
be back one minute.Gotta go to the bathroom.
- Go to the bathroom, go, go.
- Thank you, alright!
♪
(Panting)
Oh god.
Oh, this is too hard.
Gotta... switch to... chef...
(Panting)
How you guys doing?
Ah, good.
I’m a chef at the Rivoli.
Just a bit late for work.
♪
Okay, phew.
♪
♪
Oh, sorry.
(Tense music)
(Playful music)
Hot jambalaya!
♪
My god!
\hYou know what, I think it
was the white wine, and I--
Matt?
Oh damn.
Uh...
Matt?
Uh, I can explain.
Okay, so...
What in God’s name are you doing
dressed as the chef
\h\hsitting with me?
You’re gonna ruin Tony’s plan!
(Gasping)
Right!
(Laughing)
Oh my god!
\hDude, the number of times
we have been like this close
to me getting...
\h\h\h(Laughing)
\h\h\h\h\h\hIf you keep
staying here as a chef,\h\hthen the whole
thing’s (Bleep)ed!
\hExactly, okay, I’m
getting outta here.Don’t worry, pretend
\h\hyou didn’t see--
I knew you were gonna
\hscrew this plan up.
I knew it!
Tony warned me about you,
said you’re a (Bleep)-up.
Tony said I’m a fuck-up?Said you’re an idiot.
He said you’re a loser holding
me back from my true potential.
- Really?
\h\h- Yes!
Says that you’re weak.
Can’t (Bleep).
Tony said that?
Yeah, Tony said that.
\h\hStarting to make
a lot of sense, too.
Okay.
♪
♪ Come here sister ♪
♪ Papa’s in the swing ♪
Oh, he likes Tony?
Tony’s better than Matt, huh?
What’s that?
No, no!
♪
♪ Ain’t no drag ♪
♪ Papa’s got a brand new bag ♪
♪
Okay, look.
\h\h\h\h\hI’ve decided I don’t
wanna be your friend anymore.
\h\hTime for me to keep on
rolling, know what I mean?
\hNo no no no, hold on,
slow down a little bit.
Once this plan is done,
you and me are finished.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
\h\h\hBut hey, you got a
lot to look forward to.
You’ve got this plan, gonna get
you a show, so just take a bite
\hand you don’t need to
worry about me anymore.
Come on!
\hI’m just gonna do my
own thing from now on.
(Sad music)
\h\hYou don’t need to worry
about me, worry about Tony.
I’m gonna do my own thing!
My own thing...
(Slowed) I’m just...
gonna do my own thing tonight.
♪
Great.
♪
Jay, eat the shrimp, mum.
Go ahead.
I gotta go.
Wha-- Gotta go?
What you mean, gotta go?
I gotta go apologize
\hto my best friend.For what? What you mean?
\hTony, you made me realize
I hurt my friend’s feelings
\hreally badly this morning,
and so I gotta go find him.
No no no, Birdy, you
gotta take one bite.
- Oh, just for God’s sakes!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Sorry.
You can’t cover up the thing!
No plan until I apologize.What do I do?
Okay, I’ll eat it,
I’ll eat it then.
- Fine, I’ll do it myself.
\h\h\h- You’re eating it?
Tony, the plan doesn’t work.
You asked them for it
to be spicy, remember?
(Slowed) I’ll have
\hthe same thing.
Mild?
Thank you so much.
Oh, sorry!
- Did you say mild?
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
No, I’ll have it spicy as hell.
Okay.
(Laughing)
(Choking sounds)
You-- You okay?
Are you joking?
Tony, are you joking?
Are you choking for real?
Hey, for real, are you choking?
Hey, hey, hey!
(Dramatic music)
Come on! Come on! Come on!
(Grunting)
\hCome on!
♪
Come on!
One, two, three!
(Spitting sound)
(Crowd gasping)
It was the shrimp.
(Gasping)
Just sit there.
Oh my god!
Just sit there for a second!
(Panting)
I’m okay.
Oh my god!
(Panting)
I’m okay.
That was so scary!
(Panting)
Matt?
♪
♪ The road is long ♪
(Slowed) Tony!
Nice to meet you, man!
Thanks for the plan, Tony!
Anytime.
Alright!
Good luck!
I wish we could hang out more.
Ha!
Have a good one, bye.
♪ Who ♪
♪ Knows where ♪
♪ Who knows where ♪
♪
Let’s party!
♪
(Cork popping)
(Laughing)
Now come on, we’re just
\h\hhanging out with me!
You’re hanging out with me!
♪
Nice meeting you, man.
Nice meeting you too, Tony.
\hRemember what I
told ya, alright?
I will.
Hey, Tony?
Yes, mum?
\h\hThanks for being
nice to me tonight.
You don’t worry about a thing.
♪
Good meeting you!
’Kay, Tony, bye!
I’m leaving forever!
You want Uber Eats?
JARED: What? Yeah.Do you?
\h\h\hOkay, I’m gonna
order for both of us.
♪
♪ He’s my brother ♪
♪
♪ He ain’t heavy ♪