Nirvanna the Band the Show (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Boost - full transcript
Matt enters Jay into a video game speedrun tournament, planning to win their way to a show at the Rivoli. As the competition tightens, Matt secretly gives Jay an illegal edge.
♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThe Raccoons
will be right back!
(Chuckling)
\h\h\h\h\hMAN: Hey, you ever
thought about taking drugs?
♪
GIRL: I don’t know.
\h\h\h\h\hWell, I never
really thought about it.
Think hard.
♪
The choice is yours.
What do you think?
\h\hNah, this jerk’s
not worth the time!
♪
(Screaming)
\hMATT: Birdy, what
the hell was that?!
Are you having a nightmare?
Look at this!
What d’ya done to da couch?
I kicked it off, I got...
Is this what you like?
I’m trying to remember
\hwhen you were sick.
(Coughing)
(Blowing)
Why don’t we take
\hsome medication?
Maybe I can-- Maybe I can
\hgo to the corner store,
get you some... some drugs, man?
♪
Aah!
Quite a reaction.
\h\h\hI’m not putting
any drugs in my body.
\h\h\hI’m not turning into
a junkie... on the street.
A junkie on the street?
We’re talking about
Tylenol Cold & Flu.
I’m just saying no.
How else are you gonna recover?
I wanna do a nice effing plan!
\h\h\hCome on, let me just...
I wanna have a video game day.
You’re obsessed!
Video game day.
Your mom was right about you!
She warned me, "Oh, be careful.
Jay’s gonna go through the games
\h\h\h\hlearning his
glitches and hacks!"
So what?
I’m sick.
Okay, sure.
\hBecause you’re sick,
you get what you want.
Grey controller.
The best one.
\h\h\hOkay, how do I
hook this up again?
It’s pretty easy.
- First, power.
\h- Plug it in.That’s not an extension cord.
\hOh why, you think
there’s gonna be...
maybe some fluctuations? Ooh.
You’re messing up
\hthe electricity!
I’m not messing up anything.
’Kay, give me a second here.
’Kay, so...
So video, white is the...
How ’bout you listen to
\hme tell you how to...
\h\h\h(Coughing)
...how to do it?
Video, L/Mono, R, Phone.
There’s three and three!
I know what they stand for.
R, C, A.
Coordinate the colours together.
(Zapping)
\h\h\hAah!What are you doing?- How are you getting shocked?
- You know what?
\hWith no chitchat, it’d be
done in a... lickity-split.
I got it!
No...
(Coughing)
(Screaming)
\h\h\h- Oh, oh, Jesus!
- What are you doing?
Aah!
(Blowing)
Aah!
\h\h- Are they fried?
- You fried the RCAs!I was the one who said
\htake some medicine!
Then you could’ve given
me better instructions!
They’re colour coordinated!
You were saying (Coughing)!
I’m sick!
Idiot!
\h\hOkay, I’ll go to A&C Games
and get new RCA cables for you.
And get-- get me some
\hcandy or something.
Get some what?
Candy?
You’re pushing it, man.
You’re really pushing it.
Go!
Okay.
(Panting)
(Door dinging)
Ah.
Good & Plenty candy.
Cold-FX...
Yeah, something for a cold.
For an adult, yeah.
\h\h\hFor an adult, except he
doesn’t like taking medication.
\h\h\h\h\hHe’s very...
He’s very anti-drugs.
\h\h\hDo you have a
garbage back there?
\hNo, ’cause I wanna
dump the candy out,
\h\hand I’m gonna replace it
with the... with the drugs.
Perfect.
Hi, how you doing?
Whoa, sorry man, hi.
(Panting)
\h\h\hDo you guys have RCA
cables for a Nintendo 64?
CLERK: Absolutely.
Thank you so much.
\hGoldenEye Speed
Run Tournament...
The prize is a show...
winner will be invited to
appear on the Rivoli show.
Is that real?
\h\h\h\h\hYeah, I don’t know
exactly what they are doing.
\hWe just host them, we just
like have the space for it,
\h\hand then they are
running it back there.
What’s a speed run?
What is a speed run?
Doing something as fast
\h\has humanly possible,
\hsometimes using
glitches and hacks
in order to get to the end.
(Zelda secret chime)
(Door slamming)
\h\h\h\h\hBird!
\h\h\h\hI just got the most
incredible news of my life!
You got the RCA cables!
Here, get, uh...I’ll hook it up this time!
\hOkay, I went into A&C Games
to try to get the RCA cables.
\h\h\h\hAnd I’m like okay,
yeah, paying, no problem.
\h\hTake out the cash,
gonna pay, look down,
something catches my eye: huh?
I look at this poster:
Bond, black and white.
\h\hHe’s looking with
the gun out like this.
My interest is not piqued.
\hBut as I often do,
I continued reading.
GoldenEye Speed Run Tournament.
Beat the whole game, the person
who finishes it the fastest
gets a show at the Rivoli!What?
And then I’m thinking, "Who do
I know who’s good at GoldenEye?"
(Piano slamming)
\h\h\h\h\h\hYou!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s a 64 game.
Nobody’s having a tournament--
I know it seems like one
\hof those crazy things,
I come home yelling
\h\hand you’re like,
"There’s no way I believe that!"
This time it’s true!
I did the whole thing:
\h\h\hpinched myself,
pretend to fly, is it a dream?
I’m in a dream!Ask Jared. Remember?
I was saying why would you
be filming me in my dream?
Okay, fine, fine, fine!
Just... fine.
It doesn’t matter.
Look at me.
I’m totally sick, I’m useless.
I can’t play a tournament.
Doesn’t matter how good I am.
Sick...
(Rattling)
What’s that?
\h\hOh, some candies
that I got for you.
It’s not a trick?
No.
What flavour is it?
That’s...
Good & Plenty.
(Crunching)
Mmm!
(GoldenEye theme)
♪
♪
♪
So we got Dossiers,
\hMission, Files...
Okay, fir-- start
on stage one, Dam.
Oh, you’re already there. Dam.
- Got the Nintendo Power.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- I’m going.(Beeping)
Okay, so the goal is beat the
entire game as fast as possible.
Yes, I understand!Alright, and I’ll help you out.
So first of all, you wanna
\h\hrun down this sort of
narrow passageway, and it looks
like there’s a green truck...
Oh, dude, you’re
already past it.
What the hell?
Goddamn he’s fast!
\h\h\h(Chuckling)
\h\h\hI’ve been training
for this my entire life.
I mean, if it’s not obvious,
this is the greatest plan
\hwe’ve ever come up with.
\hActually, wait a minute, we
didn’t even come up with a plan.
\h\h\h\hIt’s like-- It’s
like the plan found us.What’s it called,
manifest destiny?
\h\h\h- Manifest destiny.
- Manifest... It’s like...
\h\h\hGod is smiling
down upon us today.
(Gunshot)It’s a day of miracles.\h\h\h\hThere’s no way you
don’t win this tournament.
I mean, at this point, basically
something would have to gohorrifically wrong.
Like we would’ve needed to
have overlooked something
unbelievably major, or a...
\h\h\h\hWhat’s it, a
wrench in the works?
(GoldenEye music)
Bird, what are you doing?
\h\h\hOkay, shoot--
shoot the lock, man.
Shoot the lock!
(GoldenEye music)
\hYou know what, let’s just
take a quick five minute...
Take a break?
Rest-- Rest the eyes.
We just started!
What the hell is wrong with you?
(Sighing)
\h\h\hUh, how many of those
candies did you have, Bird?
How many have you eaten?
These? I dunno.
Almost the whole box.
(Exhaling)
Uh, okay.
Remember this morning
\hwhen you said you--
you didn’t wanna take drugs?
I’m never gonna do drugs.Right, heh.
\hIf I ever did drugs, I would
never be able to forgive myself.Uh...
If somebody else was involved,
I’d never forgive them either.
Okay, um...
Hey, I got an idea.
How about let’s do-- I know,
let’s do a quick rehearsal!
That’s a good idea.
\h\h\h(Clapping)
Right, speed up.Oh, I know!
\hLet’s get a suggestion
from the audience, okay?
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Perfect.
- What’s a fast song?Fast song...
\h\h"I wanna hear the X-Men
animated series theme song!"
\hWho said that?
I know that one.
Very fast song, let’s hit it!
\hDun-na-na-na na na-na,
dun-na-na-na na na-na...
(Fast X-Men theme)
We got him back.
\h\h\h(Clapping)
\h\h\hOkay, let’s get
some GoldenEye going.
(Slow X-Men theme)
Bird, no, remember?
(Clapping)
(Fast X-Men theme)
Dun-na!
(Slow X-Men theme)
Dun-na-na-na!
The big run around, the...
(Slow X-Men theme)
Faster!
They’re-- They’re crying now.
The crowd-- The crowd’s crying!They’re saying please!
\hThis whole plan is gonna be
over unless you can speed it up!
(Slow X-Men theme)
(Piano slamming)
\hIt did seem too good
to be true, didn’t it?
The Rivoli tournament.
We win, get the Rivoli show.
I mean, who am I kidding?
Maybe I did dream that.
He-- He-- He-- This is absurd!
\h\h\hI didn’t even know
cold meds could do this.
Right?
It makes no sense on any level!
\h\h\h\h\hWhat he needed was--
Imagine the candy gave him...
(Chuckling)
\h...energy.
♪
♪ You know I smoke
\ha lot of grass ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\hHow you doing?
Looking to buy some speed.
Speed? You got speed?
\h\h\h\hSelling speed?
\h\h\hNo, I’m in the
middle of something.
\h\h\h\hI’m trying to find
some speed from somebody.
Right.
\h\h\h\h\hRight, okay, the
speed’s not for me though.It’s actually for a friend.
\hI’m trying to speed him up
for a video game tournament.
Oh, no, literally
\hit’s not for me.No, I’m not kidding.
I know maybe I seem
like a drug addict,
but I’m actually just buying it
so that I can fool my friend
\h\h\h\hinto winning a
GoldenEye tournament.
Yeah, you know GoldenEye 64?
\h\h\h\hYou ever played it?
\h\h\h\hYeah, so they’re
having one at A&C Games.
This’ll be--
\hWe’ve had issues
with that before.It put him right to sleep.
\hThat’s the issue we’re
dealing with right now.
You too, nice to meet you.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWish us luck!
Phew.
Um, looking for some speed.
You-- You have some?
Yeah, you got--
Sure, sure.
Can we do 200?
\h\h\h\hOkay, so now what?
I just give you the money?
Okay.
I’m Matt, nice to meet you.
There you go.
Yeah, I won’t.
Perfect, thanks a lot.
Okay, here we go.
\hBird, this way.
\hUgh, I’m just feeling
I’m getting sick again.
How you doing, man?
(Chattering)
Bird, this way, come on.
- We are gonna register.
\h\h\h- Cool, go for it!
- Thank you very much.
\h- Yeah, no problem.
(Chattering)
Hey, how you doing?
\h\h\hHey, is this to sign up
for the GoldenEye tournament?
WOMAN: Everybody back there
\hready for some GoldenEye?
(Clapping)
Alright guys, so hey,
it’s RWhiteGoose here.
I’m here to pilot you all
\h\hwatching on the stream
\hthrough this amazing race we
have here at A&C Games today.
Hey, are we late?
Hurry up, man!
Is there space for one more
\h\hto join the tournament?
$15 from (Bleep) Paler.
"I lost my boyfriend to cancer.
Time to get revenge,
\hkill the animals."
Uh, terribly sorry to hear that.
Okay, so remember
what we’re doing?
GoldenEye tournament.
Hey, remember what
we’re doing here?
\hMatt, I think I’m
too tired for this.
Okay, well, that’s
too bad because...
got a couple more candies.
(Pills clinking)
What flavour are they?
This is... uh...
You know what-- Juicy Fruit?
What?
Exactly.
(Pills clinking)
\h\hYeah, we’re ready to
get going here, I guess.
I’ll just be waiting over there.Good luck.
(Exhaling)
\h\hJust trying to think, what
if... you think that they’d...
Ehn, we’ll see what happens.
\hAlright, so I’m seeing the
official’s giving me the...
\hthe okay to start the race,
so all the runners are ready.
\h\hOkay, we’re gonna start
with a countdown from five.
And everyone is on-- everyone’s
on the start page here.
We’re gonna count from five.
Five, four...
\h(Crunching)
...three, two, one...
\h\h\h(Revving sound)
...go.
(GoldenEye music)
(Gunshots)
So we’re right out of the
gate, and it looks like...
it looks like The Bird
\h\h\his in the lead.
Got off to a good start
\h\h\h\hhere on the Dam.
Ooh!
It looks like the others in
\hthe race are a little bit
\h\h\hfar behind, having
trouble with the gates.
But Goldenguy and The Bird seem
to have a really good grasp of
how to play Dam, so...
Man, who’s saying drugs are bad?
What was they saying?!
\hWhat was that Fresh
Prince episode about,
\h\h\htrying to say
that it’s not good?
Carlton is...
Look at him! Look at him go!
Yes, Bird!
You wanna cut through
the guards almost like
cutting through butter
\h\hwith a hot knife.
Just use your gun like a knife.
\h\hAlright, moving here
through the train level.
\h\hOne of the more
complicated levels.
\hThis is-- No, the
Rivoli show the sh--
It’s a show for bands,
\h\h\h\hfor musicians.
We’re-- We’re a band.
Yeah, quite badly.
(Chuckling)
So we’re gonna watch the...
\hthe players probably
kill a lot of guards.
The Bird is the... The Bird...
has he stopped playing for...
Looks like he stopped
\hfor one second or so
\hto let go of his strafe
buttons, but it looks like
Goldenguy is now ahead by a
few seconds, 3 to 5 seconds.
What?
\hGoldenguy is safely
through saving Natalya
and out the train.
Um, this is absolutely massive.
Goldenguy is now ahead, Bird...
\h- Okay, dude...
- We got it, man.
\h\h\h\hThat guy over there is
beating you, he’s like a full--
Doesn’t matter, I’m the
fastest mother(Bleep)er
in the world right now.
Just watch this.
Uh, okay, we need a new plan.
It’s a day of miracles.
I woke up sick, and
then I got healthy!Yeah, I’m just trying--
Then you burned the RCA cables,
then you got new RCA cables
\h\hand you found out
about the tournament!
(Blowing)Now I’m gonna win
\hthe tournament.
Then we’re gonna have a show,
and then you and I are gonna
have a nice, happy
\h\hlife together.
\h\hDid you say we’re gonna
have a happy life together?
\h- I’m just excited.
- I’ll be right back.
I... have... an... idea.
(GoldenEye theme)
♪
\h\h\hYou guys don’t have
any scissors here, do ya?
\h\hGoldenguy is just coming
to the end of Caverns here.
\h\h\hJust about to go through
the doorway and start Cradle.
\h\h\hThe lead does
look insurmountable,
but Cradle will be the tell.
We’ll see if Goldenguy
\hcan bring this home.
(Scoffing)
♪
\hIt’s (Bleep)ing
freezing in here!
Oh yes, oh yes!
What was it?
Red wire, yellow wire...
White, white, white!
\h\h\h\h\hGoldenguy is still
holding onto that massively.
Fuck!
Really clean headshot there.
This is over in like
15 seconds from now.
It’s red. The scissors are red.
Scissors are red...
(Slowed) Hey, listen to me.
\hHow about you listen
to me tell you how...
\h\h\h(Coughing)
...how to do it?
\hGoldenguy is 10 seconds
away now from ending this.
Hold up the yellow one.
That’s your video.
(Whimpering)
Five, four, three, two...
♪
Uh, it looks like I lost...
\h\h\h\h\hwe lost his feed?
We lost Goldenguy’s feed?
The Bird is defeating
\h\h\hTrevelyan here.
\hThe Bird... The Bird
is killing Trevelyan.
I’ve heard... It sounds like
Goldenguy’s console is dead?
\hIs he getting...
The Bird is done!
\h\h\h\h\h\hThe Bird is...
Has The Bird won the race?
Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh!
\h\hI’m gonna go talk to
the guy, get the prize.Just be quiet for now, okay?
\h\hThat was-- I’ve never seen
anything-- That was incredible.
That was absolutely insane!
\h- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
\h\hHey, okay, but
what do you mean?
What do you mean, on your show?
Are you a musician?
\h\h\hUh, okay, I’m
completely confused.
I... Your podcast?
So you’ll...
So you spell it Rival...
The number one, numeral.
And I...
\hIt was a reading
error on my part.
The one...
Yes, thank you.
Hey, Jay, um...
Jay?
Jay?
Hey, Jay, what are you doing?
Bird?
Jay?
Oh, fuck.
\h(Slowed) What does happen
if you take too much speed?
Over-amp?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hExplodes,
explodes, explodes...
\h\h\hOh no, Jay!
Oh no, fuck, Jay!
Jay, Jay, Jay!
Oh no, oh no no no no no!
\h\hYeah, hey, I have an
emergency at A&C Games.
\hMy friend is I thinking
having a drug overdose...
(Aerith’s theme)WOMAN: Great job, guys,
\h\h\hfor that fantastic
speed run of GoldenEye.
(Sombre Fresh Prince music)
(Beeping)
(Burping)
Jay, Bird!
Hey, hey, hey, you alright?
What happened?
You’re... You’re in a hospital.
- Um...
- What?
What happened to me?
\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, that’s
what’s got me confused.I must’ve blacked out.
Well, you passed out, and then
the doctors here are saying
\h\hthat you... some kind of
drug overdose or something.
It’s not a drug overdose.
I don’t take drugs,
\h\h\hyou know that.That’s what they’re saying.
\h\h\h\h\hI said no way, my
friend is not taking drugs.
Did you tell ’em that?
\h\h\hI was-- I went to
bat for you, and then--
So the joke’s on them.
Then they did the stomach
pump, and they were like--
What? Hold on, wait, what?
I had to sign a fucking thing.
Why’d you let them
\hpump my stomach?
\h\h\hWell, ’cause they said
otherwise you’re gonna die.
Oh (Bleep)!And it wasn’t through--
\hSee, I thought it was
gonna be simple, like--
Ah (Bleep)!
\h\hIs there a doctor or a
nurse or someone, please?!
\hOkay, listen, let me tell
you what happened, alright?I...
I switched the candy that
you were eating for speed.
I gave you drugs.
You son of a bitch.
I’m sorry, man.
(Gasping)
I’m sorry, man!
Come here.
(Bird chirping)
Aah!
(Laughing and cheering)
♪
\h\h\hSo there’s this
one famous story, um,
\hthe story about these-- a
couple named Sam and Tolki.
\hA Mormon couple,
18, 19 years old.Whoa, whoa, whoa...
The wife, Tolki, she starts
\h\hdrinking and partying...(Whistling)...and Sam, the husband,
\h\hdoes not like this.
\h\hWhat, Mormon? That’s
not even allowed, is it?No.
So I believe at one point Sam
went to go commentate a run,
sit on a couch for a friend.Oh no.
And Tolki got freaky with
\ha Banjo-Kazooie runner,
Stivitybobo, and this caused
an endless firestorm of
drama in the community.
\h\h\hWhat are some of these
other people doing in here?
\hIt’s a-- It’s a
music studio, man.
I think they’re working.
- Like music jobs, like--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes, man.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLike jingles and
commercial music and film music?
Music is a big industry.
It’s like a multi-billion dollar
industry I think, probably.
Maybe trillions, I don’t know.
Could be a lot of money!
(Snickering)You know, think about it.
\h\h\hHow much do these
artists make, you know?
Billions!
(Laughing)
Do musicians work here!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(Laughing)
♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThe Raccoons
will be right back!
(Chuckling)
\h\h\h\h\hMAN: Hey, you ever
thought about taking drugs?
♪
GIRL: I don’t know.
\h\h\h\h\hWell, I never
really thought about it.
Think hard.
♪
The choice is yours.
What do you think?
\h\hNah, this jerk’s
not worth the time!
♪
(Screaming)
\hMATT: Birdy, what
the hell was that?!
Are you having a nightmare?
Look at this!
What d’ya done to da couch?
I kicked it off, I got...
Is this what you like?
I’m trying to remember
\hwhen you were sick.
(Coughing)
(Blowing)
Why don’t we take
\hsome medication?
Maybe I can-- Maybe I can
\hgo to the corner store,
get you some... some drugs, man?
♪
Aah!
Quite a reaction.
\h\h\hI’m not putting
any drugs in my body.
\h\h\hI’m not turning into
a junkie... on the street.
A junkie on the street?
We’re talking about
Tylenol Cold & Flu.
I’m just saying no.
How else are you gonna recover?
I wanna do a nice effing plan!
\h\h\hCome on, let me just...
I wanna have a video game day.
You’re obsessed!
Video game day.
Your mom was right about you!
She warned me, "Oh, be careful.
Jay’s gonna go through the games
\h\h\h\hlearning his
glitches and hacks!"
So what?
I’m sick.
Okay, sure.
\hBecause you’re sick,
you get what you want.
Grey controller.
The best one.
\h\h\hOkay, how do I
hook this up again?
It’s pretty easy.
- First, power.
\h- Plug it in.That’s not an extension cord.
\hOh why, you think
there’s gonna be...
maybe some fluctuations? Ooh.
You’re messing up
\hthe electricity!
I’m not messing up anything.
’Kay, give me a second here.
’Kay, so...
So video, white is the...
How ’bout you listen to
\hme tell you how to...
\h\h\h(Coughing)
...how to do it?
Video, L/Mono, R, Phone.
There’s three and three!
I know what they stand for.
R, C, A.
Coordinate the colours together.
(Zapping)
\h\h\hAah!What are you doing?- How are you getting shocked?
- You know what?
\hWith no chitchat, it’d be
done in a... lickity-split.
I got it!
No...
(Coughing)
(Screaming)
\h\h\h- Oh, oh, Jesus!
- What are you doing?
Aah!
(Blowing)
Aah!
\h\h- Are they fried?
- You fried the RCAs!I was the one who said
\htake some medicine!
Then you could’ve given
me better instructions!
They’re colour coordinated!
You were saying (Coughing)!
I’m sick!
Idiot!
\h\hOkay, I’ll go to A&C Games
and get new RCA cables for you.
And get-- get me some
\hcandy or something.
Get some what?
Candy?
You’re pushing it, man.
You’re really pushing it.
Go!
Okay.
(Panting)
(Door dinging)
Ah.
Good & Plenty candy.
Cold-FX...
Yeah, something for a cold.
For an adult, yeah.
\h\h\hFor an adult, except he
doesn’t like taking medication.
\h\h\h\h\hHe’s very...
He’s very anti-drugs.
\h\h\hDo you have a
garbage back there?
\hNo, ’cause I wanna
dump the candy out,
\h\hand I’m gonna replace it
with the... with the drugs.
Perfect.
Hi, how you doing?
Whoa, sorry man, hi.
(Panting)
\h\h\hDo you guys have RCA
cables for a Nintendo 64?
CLERK: Absolutely.
Thank you so much.
\hGoldenEye Speed
Run Tournament...
The prize is a show...
winner will be invited to
appear on the Rivoli show.
Is that real?
\h\h\h\h\hYeah, I don’t know
exactly what they are doing.
\hWe just host them, we just
like have the space for it,
\h\hand then they are
running it back there.
What’s a speed run?
What is a speed run?
Doing something as fast
\h\has humanly possible,
\hsometimes using
glitches and hacks
in order to get to the end.
(Zelda secret chime)
(Door slamming)
\h\h\h\h\hBird!
\h\h\h\hI just got the most
incredible news of my life!
You got the RCA cables!
Here, get, uh...I’ll hook it up this time!
\hOkay, I went into A&C Games
to try to get the RCA cables.
\h\h\h\hAnd I’m like okay,
yeah, paying, no problem.
\h\hTake out the cash,
gonna pay, look down,
something catches my eye: huh?
I look at this poster:
Bond, black and white.
\h\hHe’s looking with
the gun out like this.
My interest is not piqued.
\hBut as I often do,
I continued reading.
GoldenEye Speed Run Tournament.
Beat the whole game, the person
who finishes it the fastest
gets a show at the Rivoli!What?
And then I’m thinking, "Who do
I know who’s good at GoldenEye?"
(Piano slamming)
\h\h\h\h\h\hYou!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s a 64 game.
Nobody’s having a tournament--
I know it seems like one
\hof those crazy things,
I come home yelling
\h\hand you’re like,
"There’s no way I believe that!"
This time it’s true!
I did the whole thing:
\h\h\hpinched myself,
pretend to fly, is it a dream?
I’m in a dream!Ask Jared. Remember?
I was saying why would you
be filming me in my dream?
Okay, fine, fine, fine!
Just... fine.
It doesn’t matter.
Look at me.
I’m totally sick, I’m useless.
I can’t play a tournament.
Doesn’t matter how good I am.
Sick...
(Rattling)
What’s that?
\h\hOh, some candies
that I got for you.
It’s not a trick?
No.
What flavour is it?
That’s...
Good & Plenty.
(Crunching)
Mmm!
(GoldenEye theme)
♪
♪
♪
So we got Dossiers,
\hMission, Files...
Okay, fir-- start
on stage one, Dam.
Oh, you’re already there. Dam.
- Got the Nintendo Power.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- I’m going.(Beeping)
Okay, so the goal is beat the
entire game as fast as possible.
Yes, I understand!Alright, and I’ll help you out.
So first of all, you wanna
\h\hrun down this sort of
narrow passageway, and it looks
like there’s a green truck...
Oh, dude, you’re
already past it.
What the hell?
Goddamn he’s fast!
\h\h\h(Chuckling)
\h\h\hI’ve been training
for this my entire life.
I mean, if it’s not obvious,
this is the greatest plan
\hwe’ve ever come up with.
\hActually, wait a minute, we
didn’t even come up with a plan.
\h\h\h\hIt’s like-- It’s
like the plan found us.What’s it called,
manifest destiny?
\h\h\h- Manifest destiny.
- Manifest... It’s like...
\h\h\hGod is smiling
down upon us today.
(Gunshot)It’s a day of miracles.\h\h\h\hThere’s no way you
don’t win this tournament.
I mean, at this point, basically
something would have to gohorrifically wrong.
Like we would’ve needed to
have overlooked something
unbelievably major, or a...
\h\h\h\hWhat’s it, a
wrench in the works?
(GoldenEye music)
Bird, what are you doing?
\h\h\hOkay, shoot--
shoot the lock, man.
Shoot the lock!
(GoldenEye music)
\hYou know what, let’s just
take a quick five minute...
Take a break?
Rest-- Rest the eyes.
We just started!
What the hell is wrong with you?
(Sighing)
\h\h\hUh, how many of those
candies did you have, Bird?
How many have you eaten?
These? I dunno.
Almost the whole box.
(Exhaling)
Uh, okay.
Remember this morning
\hwhen you said you--
you didn’t wanna take drugs?
I’m never gonna do drugs.Right, heh.
\hIf I ever did drugs, I would
never be able to forgive myself.Uh...
If somebody else was involved,
I’d never forgive them either.
Okay, um...
Hey, I got an idea.
How about let’s do-- I know,
let’s do a quick rehearsal!
That’s a good idea.
\h\h\h(Clapping)
Right, speed up.Oh, I know!
\hLet’s get a suggestion
from the audience, okay?
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Perfect.
- What’s a fast song?Fast song...
\h\h"I wanna hear the X-Men
animated series theme song!"
\hWho said that?
I know that one.
Very fast song, let’s hit it!
\hDun-na-na-na na na-na,
dun-na-na-na na na-na...
(Fast X-Men theme)
We got him back.
\h\h\h(Clapping)
\h\h\hOkay, let’s get
some GoldenEye going.
(Slow X-Men theme)
Bird, no, remember?
(Clapping)
(Fast X-Men theme)
Dun-na!
(Slow X-Men theme)
Dun-na-na-na!
The big run around, the...
(Slow X-Men theme)
Faster!
They’re-- They’re crying now.
The crowd-- The crowd’s crying!They’re saying please!
\hThis whole plan is gonna be
over unless you can speed it up!
(Slow X-Men theme)
(Piano slamming)
\hIt did seem too good
to be true, didn’t it?
The Rivoli tournament.
We win, get the Rivoli show.
I mean, who am I kidding?
Maybe I did dream that.
He-- He-- He-- This is absurd!
\h\h\hI didn’t even know
cold meds could do this.
Right?
It makes no sense on any level!
\h\h\h\h\hWhat he needed was--
Imagine the candy gave him...
(Chuckling)
\h...energy.
♪
♪ You know I smoke
\ha lot of grass ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\hHow you doing?
Looking to buy some speed.
Speed? You got speed?
\h\h\h\hSelling speed?
\h\h\hNo, I’m in the
middle of something.
\h\h\h\hI’m trying to find
some speed from somebody.
Right.
\h\h\h\h\hRight, okay, the
speed’s not for me though.It’s actually for a friend.
\hI’m trying to speed him up
for a video game tournament.
Oh, no, literally
\hit’s not for me.No, I’m not kidding.
I know maybe I seem
like a drug addict,
but I’m actually just buying it
so that I can fool my friend
\h\h\h\hinto winning a
GoldenEye tournament.
Yeah, you know GoldenEye 64?
\h\h\h\hYou ever played it?
\h\h\h\hYeah, so they’re
having one at A&C Games.
This’ll be--
\hWe’ve had issues
with that before.It put him right to sleep.
\hThat’s the issue we’re
dealing with right now.
You too, nice to meet you.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWish us luck!
Phew.
Um, looking for some speed.
You-- You have some?
Yeah, you got--
Sure, sure.
Can we do 200?
\h\h\h\hOkay, so now what?
I just give you the money?
Okay.
I’m Matt, nice to meet you.
There you go.
Yeah, I won’t.
Perfect, thanks a lot.
Okay, here we go.
\hBird, this way.
\hUgh, I’m just feeling
I’m getting sick again.
How you doing, man?
(Chattering)
Bird, this way, come on.
- We are gonna register.
\h\h\h- Cool, go for it!
- Thank you very much.
\h- Yeah, no problem.
(Chattering)
Hey, how you doing?
\h\h\hHey, is this to sign up
for the GoldenEye tournament?
WOMAN: Everybody back there
\hready for some GoldenEye?
(Clapping)
Alright guys, so hey,
it’s RWhiteGoose here.
I’m here to pilot you all
\h\hwatching on the stream
\hthrough this amazing race we
have here at A&C Games today.
Hey, are we late?
Hurry up, man!
Is there space for one more
\h\hto join the tournament?
$15 from (Bleep) Paler.
"I lost my boyfriend to cancer.
Time to get revenge,
\hkill the animals."
Uh, terribly sorry to hear that.
Okay, so remember
what we’re doing?
GoldenEye tournament.
Hey, remember what
we’re doing here?
\hMatt, I think I’m
too tired for this.
Okay, well, that’s
too bad because...
got a couple more candies.
(Pills clinking)
What flavour are they?
This is... uh...
You know what-- Juicy Fruit?
What?
Exactly.
(Pills clinking)
\h\hYeah, we’re ready to
get going here, I guess.
I’ll just be waiting over there.Good luck.
(Exhaling)
\h\hJust trying to think, what
if... you think that they’d...
Ehn, we’ll see what happens.
\hAlright, so I’m seeing the
official’s giving me the...
\hthe okay to start the race,
so all the runners are ready.
\h\hOkay, we’re gonna start
with a countdown from five.
And everyone is on-- everyone’s
on the start page here.
We’re gonna count from five.
Five, four...
\h(Crunching)
...three, two, one...
\h\h\h(Revving sound)
...go.
(GoldenEye music)
(Gunshots)
So we’re right out of the
gate, and it looks like...
it looks like The Bird
\h\h\his in the lead.
Got off to a good start
\h\h\h\hhere on the Dam.
Ooh!
It looks like the others in
\hthe race are a little bit
\h\h\hfar behind, having
trouble with the gates.
But Goldenguy and The Bird seem
to have a really good grasp of
how to play Dam, so...
Man, who’s saying drugs are bad?
What was they saying?!
\hWhat was that Fresh
Prince episode about,
\h\h\htrying to say
that it’s not good?
Carlton is...
Look at him! Look at him go!
Yes, Bird!
You wanna cut through
the guards almost like
cutting through butter
\h\hwith a hot knife.
Just use your gun like a knife.
\h\hAlright, moving here
through the train level.
\h\hOne of the more
complicated levels.
\hThis is-- No, the
Rivoli show the sh--
It’s a show for bands,
\h\h\h\hfor musicians.
We’re-- We’re a band.
Yeah, quite badly.
(Chuckling)
So we’re gonna watch the...
\hthe players probably
kill a lot of guards.
The Bird is the... The Bird...
has he stopped playing for...
Looks like he stopped
\hfor one second or so
\hto let go of his strafe
buttons, but it looks like
Goldenguy is now ahead by a
few seconds, 3 to 5 seconds.
What?
\hGoldenguy is safely
through saving Natalya
and out the train.
Um, this is absolutely massive.
Goldenguy is now ahead, Bird...
\h- Okay, dude...
- We got it, man.
\h\h\h\hThat guy over there is
beating you, he’s like a full--
Doesn’t matter, I’m the
fastest mother(Bleep)er
in the world right now.
Just watch this.
Uh, okay, we need a new plan.
It’s a day of miracles.
I woke up sick, and
then I got healthy!Yeah, I’m just trying--
Then you burned the RCA cables,
then you got new RCA cables
\h\hand you found out
about the tournament!
(Blowing)Now I’m gonna win
\hthe tournament.
Then we’re gonna have a show,
and then you and I are gonna
have a nice, happy
\h\hlife together.
\h\hDid you say we’re gonna
have a happy life together?
\h- I’m just excited.
- I’ll be right back.
I... have... an... idea.
(GoldenEye theme)
♪
\h\h\hYou guys don’t have
any scissors here, do ya?
\h\hGoldenguy is just coming
to the end of Caverns here.
\h\h\hJust about to go through
the doorway and start Cradle.
\h\h\hThe lead does
look insurmountable,
but Cradle will be the tell.
We’ll see if Goldenguy
\hcan bring this home.
(Scoffing)
♪
\hIt’s (Bleep)ing
freezing in here!
Oh yes, oh yes!
What was it?
Red wire, yellow wire...
White, white, white!
\h\h\h\h\hGoldenguy is still
holding onto that massively.
Fuck!
Really clean headshot there.
This is over in like
15 seconds from now.
It’s red. The scissors are red.
Scissors are red...
(Slowed) Hey, listen to me.
\hHow about you listen
to me tell you how...
\h\h\h(Coughing)
...how to do it?
\hGoldenguy is 10 seconds
away now from ending this.
Hold up the yellow one.
That’s your video.
(Whimpering)
Five, four, three, two...
♪
Uh, it looks like I lost...
\h\h\h\h\hwe lost his feed?
We lost Goldenguy’s feed?
The Bird is defeating
\h\h\hTrevelyan here.
\hThe Bird... The Bird
is killing Trevelyan.
I’ve heard... It sounds like
Goldenguy’s console is dead?
\hIs he getting...
The Bird is done!
\h\h\h\h\h\hThe Bird is...
Has The Bird won the race?
Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh!
\h\hI’m gonna go talk to
the guy, get the prize.Just be quiet for now, okay?
\h\hThat was-- I’ve never seen
anything-- That was incredible.
That was absolutely insane!
\h- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
\h\hHey, okay, but
what do you mean?
What do you mean, on your show?
Are you a musician?
\h\h\hUh, okay, I’m
completely confused.
I... Your podcast?
So you’ll...
So you spell it Rival...
The number one, numeral.
And I...
\hIt was a reading
error on my part.
The one...
Yes, thank you.
Hey, Jay, um...
Jay?
Jay?
Hey, Jay, what are you doing?
Bird?
Jay?
Oh, fuck.
\h(Slowed) What does happen
if you take too much speed?
Over-amp?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hExplodes,
explodes, explodes...
\h\h\hOh no, Jay!
Oh no, fuck, Jay!
Jay, Jay, Jay!
Oh no, oh no no no no no!
\h\hYeah, hey, I have an
emergency at A&C Games.
\hMy friend is I thinking
having a drug overdose...
(Aerith’s theme)WOMAN: Great job, guys,
\h\h\hfor that fantastic
speed run of GoldenEye.
(Sombre Fresh Prince music)
(Beeping)
(Burping)
Jay, Bird!
Hey, hey, hey, you alright?
What happened?
You’re... You’re in a hospital.
- Um...
- What?
What happened to me?
\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, that’s
what’s got me confused.I must’ve blacked out.
Well, you passed out, and then
the doctors here are saying
\h\hthat you... some kind of
drug overdose or something.
It’s not a drug overdose.
I don’t take drugs,
\h\h\hyou know that.That’s what they’re saying.
\h\h\h\h\hI said no way, my
friend is not taking drugs.
Did you tell ’em that?
\h\h\hI was-- I went to
bat for you, and then--
So the joke’s on them.
Then they did the stomach
pump, and they were like--
What? Hold on, wait, what?
I had to sign a fucking thing.
Why’d you let them
\hpump my stomach?
\h\h\hWell, ’cause they said
otherwise you’re gonna die.
Oh (Bleep)!And it wasn’t through--
\hSee, I thought it was
gonna be simple, like--
Ah (Bleep)!
\h\hIs there a doctor or a
nurse or someone, please?!
\hOkay, listen, let me tell
you what happened, alright?I...
I switched the candy that
you were eating for speed.
I gave you drugs.
You son of a bitch.
I’m sorry, man.
(Gasping)
I’m sorry, man!
Come here.
(Bird chirping)
Aah!
(Laughing and cheering)
♪
\h\h\hSo there’s this
one famous story, um,
\hthe story about these-- a
couple named Sam and Tolki.
\hA Mormon couple,
18, 19 years old.Whoa, whoa, whoa...
The wife, Tolki, she starts
\h\hdrinking and partying...(Whistling)...and Sam, the husband,
\h\hdoes not like this.
\h\hWhat, Mormon? That’s
not even allowed, is it?No.
So I believe at one point Sam
went to go commentate a run,
sit on a couch for a friend.Oh no.
And Tolki got freaky with
\ha Banjo-Kazooie runner,
Stivitybobo, and this caused
an endless firestorm of
drama in the community.
\h\h\hWhat are some of these
other people doing in here?
\hIt’s a-- It’s a
music studio, man.
I think they’re working.
- Like music jobs, like--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes, man.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLike jingles and
commercial music and film music?
Music is a big industry.
It’s like a multi-billion dollar
industry I think, probably.
Maybe trillions, I don’t know.
Could be a lot of money!
(Snickering)You know, think about it.
\h\h\hHow much do these
artists make, you know?
Billions!
(Laughing)
Do musicians work here!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(Laughing)
♪